Archive
Episode 18 – Partial Transcript
by Noah Lugeons and Heath Enwright
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Sony’s new Pray Station Portable Pocket Placebo: When you need to credit random events to a nonexistent force and a sugar pill isn’t enough, reach for the Sony Pray Station.
PSPPP – Because Sony wouldn’t sue God, would they?
And now, the Scathing Atheist:
Intro:
It’s Thursday, it’s June 20th and we’re still waiting on that God fossil.
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from the perpetual parade that is New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
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It turns out they did make a good Superman movie… in 1980,
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The Pope will continue to suck at the infallibility thing,
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And Dan from Thank God I’m Atheist will join us for a little “Faith No Mormon”
But first, the Diatribe…
Diatribe:
Even in a city as diverse as New York, an atheist can still apparently be a rarity. I learned this while fighting crime the other day when a co-worker approached me to ask about this podcast. She’d heard from one of the other masked vigilantes that I was an outspoken atheist and she was curious. She’s one of these people that was raised with religion, accepted it without any real devotion and never really bothered to question it.
To these folks, the idea of atheism is completely foreign. God’s there because he was always there and why wouldn’t he be there?
She said she had a million questions, but since we were both on the clock, I asked her to narrow it down to one. And from her bouquet of inquiries, she plucked one that perfectly encapsulated how little she understood about the atheist worldview.
“Don’t you want to live in a world where you’re part of something larger than yourself?”
Of course, three words in she’d already fucked up. I don’t base my beliefs on the world I ‘want’ to live in, I base them in the world I do live in. To suggest otherwise betrays not just a lack of understanding about atheism, but a lack of understanding about understanding. It isn’t a rejection of a world without an afterlife or a loving god or a divine plan. Rather it’s a recognition of such a world.
But that’s not even the dumbest thing about this question. Now I’ve heard it before so I didn’t give her the blank faced glacial blink that it deserves, but I couldn’t give her the answer that she deserved either. I didn’t have enough time to explain the vastness and limitlessness of the universe I’m a part of. Or to elaborate on the modest role I’m playing in the enormity of history. Or to expound on the profundity of working my way through a world while authoring my own path.
From the perspective of a theist, the universe exists for them. It was brought into being for them and the billions of light years that surround them is just a decoration. What’s more, the grandest knowledge will never be known and the grandest knowledge that ever will be known is already known. The purpose may be mysterious, but the goal is established. The further the theistic mind wanders from the center of god’s love, the smaller and less significant the cosmos becomes.
But for a mind unleashed by the wonders of science, I know that from one perspective I’m an imperfection on a speck of dust and from another I’m as grand as a galaxy. I know that every cell in my body is born of billions of years of evolution and that their key elements are older still, forged in the hearts of stars too massive to comprehend.
When I raise my eyes to the heavens I’m no less in wonder of them than a person who looks there to see god. When I see a dim star nearly invisible amid the endless curtain of space I think of the journey those photons took along their epic voyage to our night sky Thousands or millions of years ago they were ejected from the boiling surface of some nuclear furnace at the speed of light.
Did they pass by some distant world along the way? Were they part of some beautiful alien sunrise before they got here? Did they narrowly miss a spacecraft from some species thousands of technological years beyond our own? Did they pass by some rogue planet drifting through the abyss of interstellar space? What astonishing marvels might they have happened by on their million year pilgrimage to my eye?
But the wonders of science aren’t limited to the grandiose. I can find that same awe when I look down at a community of ants or into a drop of water. I find that wonder when I contemplate the mundane because I know that the mystery isn’t any less beautiful because it’s solved. I look at the rainbow and I find that I admire it more because it was unweaved. Magnets are more fun when you do know how the fuck they work.
She asked me if I wanted to be part of something larger and by that she meant some tiny little god that rules over some tiny little fraction of some tiny little world. The product of tiny little minds from the distant past that had never tasted something as grand as a light year; a fiction conjured by an imagination that couldn’t begin to comprehend how big the cosmos truly was and how small they were in comparison.
But I didn’t have time to tell her all of this because somewhere out there, my arch-nemesis was plotting something counterintuitive and unnecessarily complicated so I had to settle for a short answer:
In the third episode of Cosmos there’s a phenomenal bit where Carl Sagan is answering questions for a bunch of kids at his old elementary school in Brooklyn. One of the kids asks him if the sun is considered part of the Milky Way and he gets that smile that teachers get when they get to tell you something you’ll never forget. He nods and he says, “You are considered part of the Milky Way.”
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is my fellow empiricist, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to continue being angrily correct?
Indeed I am. Also, you haven’t had any introductory announcements, so . . .
Anchoring the headlines as always is my fellow disbeliever in the evidently non-existent, Noah Lugeons. Noah, are you ready to begin your systematic weekly skewering of the bumbling, theist masses?
There’s only one way to know for sure…
In our lead story tonight, Warner Brothers might have found a use for churches after all; captive-audience marketing. With “Man of Steel”, the latest Zack Snyder computer generated, testosterone-vomit of a film hitting theaters this week, Warner Brothers wanted to make sure it had all the marketing angles covered, including sending “discussion guides”, “sermon notes” and a special “faith-friendly” version of the trailer to pastors all over the country.
Nobody can sell bad fiction like the Christian church.
Ironically, the “Superman” title should really belong to God’s eulogist, German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. Which makes one wonder whether Hasselhoff might have been a better casting move.
I agree. He would have made a way better Lois Lane than Amy Adams. Now, if you’ve seen the movie, you’ll have noticed that you don’t really need a preacher to point out the heavy handed Jesus allegories in the movie and if you haven’t seen it, (spoiler alert) it sucks.
Wait, wasn’t Superman created by a couple of Jews?
Yeah, but to be fair, so was Jesus.
So how overboard did they go on the Jesus stuff?
Couple of examples:
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Young Superman asks his stepdad “Did God do this to me?” and Jonathan Kent responds “You have another father and he sent you here for a reason.”
As shitty a director as Snyder is, he might have done that by accident.
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When an image of Superman’s Krypton dad says, “You can save them all,” Superman stretches out in a crucifixion pose, despite the fact that he’s floating through a jagged hole in a spaceship at the time so it’s kind of a counter-intuitive arm position.
Yeah, but they could’ve been referring to any crucified savior.
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Superman, at age 33, is wrestling with a moral dilemma in a church. Behind him is a stained glass window with an image of Jesus wearing a red cape. The scene climaxes with the priest explaining that sometimes you just have to take a (quote) “leap of faith”.
I don’t know, that’s a pretty tall building.
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The bad guy’s hench-girl says, amid mid-battle banter, “There’s no point in fighting, evolution always wins.”
To be fair, I did learn two things from watching this movie. It doesn’t matter if you can tell what’s going on, as long as you know it’s an action sequence and you should always take the 3D glasses off before facepalming.
Warner Bros. pushing “Super-Jesus” at the pulpit: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/06/14/superman-coming-to-a-church-near-you/
Moving on to a news item that isn’t just me bitching about a crappy movie, Pope Fran-Sista-Please admitted last week that there was a (quote) “gay lobby” in the Vatican. In the seemingly weekly ritual of the Vatican trying to somehow distance itself from the Pope’s declarations, the Pope-wranglers have this time opted for the “That shit never happened because you don’t have it on tape” defense.
Well I’m pretty sure gays don’t show up on video or in mirrors, so . . .
To be fair, this report comes from a private meeting between the Pope and a group of Latin American Catholic leaders so nobody at the meeting was trustworthy, but rumors of an increasingly powerful gay-lobby within the Vatican have been gaining legitimacy ever since the Vatileaks scandal.
The gay-lobby, also known as the Fudge PAC, has indeed come from behind, and has now managed to widen and deepen their impact on those assholes in Washington. I guess they’re tearing it up inside the Vatican now too.
It would also explain who was hiring all those male prostitutes. This would represent the first official confirmation of such a lobby, except that it isn’t official and it isn’t confirmed.
Seriously?! The reports that some Catholics might be gay is being called “unconfirmed” ?
“I can’t say for sure, so let’s not get cocky and call this ‘confirmed’, but is that a priest’s dick in my son’s ass? And now out of it . . . And now in it again.”
“I could swear that’s a . . . Take a look at the this angle here . . . Is it safe to say that my son was ‘unofficially’ gay raped by that priest who had his penis out in the video?”
What?! Gays?! Here!? Wearing these clothes?
Just because of all that holy seed on the walls?
And I love that they justify their paranoia by noting that Cardinals and Bishops engaged in gay relationships would be vulnerable to blackmail. Well, yeah, but not if you stopped being a bunch of queer-hatin’ rednecks about this shit. See how that works? If you stopped being bigots, they wouldn’t be afraid of your bigotry, right?
Pope Francis admits to “gay lobby” in the Vatican: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/06/11/pope-francis-gay-lobby-exists-inside-vatican/
And in other “It’s a gay! Kill it!” news, Danielle Powell, a lesbian student at Grace University in Nebraska was recently expelled for being a lesbian student at Grace University. Citing the general ickiness of gays, the Christian college gave her the boot only a few months before graduation.
Lesbians aren’t gay in the evil sense of the word. I thought everyone had agreed to a perfectly legitimate double standard on this. Gay bad, lesbian good.
The bible says nothing at all about women lying with women… I think it’s okay for women to masturbate as well, as long as they don’t squirt. But as much as the Omaha school hates gay people, they don’t seem to hate gay people’s money, as Powell received a $6000 bill from the school for matriculation. What’s worse is that it wasn’t tuition she owed them for the semester or anything. This was for reimbursement of federal loans that she’d only lost eligibility for because the school kicked her out.
And Grace University receives federal funding, yet somehow doesn’t have to follow federal anti-discrimination laws.
Yeah, according to the Department of Education, schools “controlled by religious organizations are exempt from some federal requirements that might conflict with the organizations’ religious tenets.”
So the spirit of the law is:
You can’t hate the homos… unless you cite your sources. “It’s not that I hate fags, as you can see here in this bronze age goat-herder’s manual, the omnipotent universe creator hates fags.”
It’s worth pointing out that in addition to their “no being in love with an unapproved gender” rules, this school also has rules against students having premarital sex, kissing on campus or even, prolonged hugging. Yes. This school has a policy about the acceptable duration of hugging.
Sounds like they’re pretty tight-assed . . . rosary anal beads might help.
Yeah, but then you’ll never get rid of the gays.
Lesbian expelled from Christian college for being a lesbian; charged tuition anyway: http://news.yahoo.com/christian-college-expels-lesbian-charges-tuition-233514855.html
And in “Uh, Uh, Uh, You Didn’t Say ‘Jesus Says’” news, 64 year old Margaret Doughty, a UK citizen who has spent more than 30 years living in the US was recently denied citizenship based on the non-religiousness of her morals.
“You can’t REASON OUT your belief system. If you do that, new information could change your opinion. All of a sudden we’re talking about open, rational discourse. This isn’t some sort of parliamentary democracy, you limey logic snob.”
Exactly. What’s worse is that this is really just a punishment for being honest on the paperwork. Among the questions she was asked was one of her willingness to take up arms in the defense of the country. We’re talking about a 64 year old woman so she could have just said, “Sure, what the hell”. But instead she opted for full disclosure.
Her answer read, in part, “Since my youth I have had a firm, fixed and sincere objection to the participation in war.” Now, this is a perfectly acceptable answer as long as you finish with, “Because it would make the baby Jesus cry.” But you’re not allowed to just find killing people in the name or regional conflict wrong; it has to be against your religion.
“It’s okay to have a fancy watch that works, but only show it to Christians twice a day. Don’t be an asshole.”
So based on her honesty and her unwillingness to pretend to be religious for the purposes of dodging the granny-draft, she was ultimately denied her bid for citizenship.
This really pisses me off. If we don’t let the British immigrants in, who’s going to correctly pronounce all the words that Americans don’t want to correctly pronounce?
Woman being denied citizenship for having non-religious morals: http://dividedundergod.com/2013/06/14/woman-being-denied-citizenship-because-her-morality-doesnt-come-from-religion/
And in “magical hat” news this week, the Quebec Soccer Federation was recently suspended by the Canadian Soccer Association because apparently both of these groups exist. The suspension was in response to a recent international uproar against Quebec for its failure to lift the long standing ban on wearing Turbans during matches.
In fairness, the “towel header” maneuver, does give an unfair advantage. Plus, these teams don’t need to employ a towel boy.
Those are both valid points, but instead, they cited safety concerns, which supporters of wearing magical hats point out is pretty silly, as soccer players all over the world wear turbans and there’s no record of turban-related-injuries. Of course, the Quebecois can’t just come out and say, “No because fuck people in turbans” in so many words.
Right, because Quebecois can’t speak English.
And according to people in France, they can’t speak French, either. Now I know a lot of atheists are on the fence about stuff like this and I understand it, because there is an element of xenophobia to some of these burka-ban type moves. But I for one support any move that denies some special privilege to religious people on the merit of what their imaginary friend demands.
At least the Jews are sensible enough to avoid similar yarmulke-related issues by entirely avoiding sports as a group.
Quebec bans soccer-players wearing turbans; idiots outraged: http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/on-faith/soccer-ban-on-sikh-turbans-leads-to-backlash-against-quebec/2013/06/14/63f30292-d523-11e2-b3a2-3bf5eb37b9d0_story.html?
And finally tonight, Rick Perry is a callous, misinformed, obtuse, asinine, fallacious, babbling, unthinking, dogmatic, sectarian zealot. And his mother dresses him funny.
And in breaking Rick Perry news, he thinks Texas needs to replicate the success of the TV ad that made New York City into the financial center it is today.
“Texas doesn’t suck because of all the shitty, racist, rednecks. It’s because we never put out an infocommercial. Everyone loves infomercials. Remember how well Ross Perot did?”
We first talked about Texas’s so called “Merry Christmas” bill back on episode 15. This bill essentially acts as an impediment to secular challenges against unconstitutional religious displays in schools and on public property. The bill sailed through the house and senate and could hardly land all the way on governor colostomy-hose’s desk before he signed it into law.
During the bill-signing extravaganza, in his tireless campaign to make George W. Bush look good in comparison, Perry was actually quoted as saying, “Freedom of religion isn’t freedom from religion,” to which secularists all over the country responded, “Yes, the fuck, it is.”
Yeah, freedom of religion is freedom to one religion. Exactly. You can’t go having no religions. We’re not hearing any of that shit.
The number of religions you are free to have shall be an integral number not equaling or exceeding 2, and not equal or less than 0.
And three is right out!
Nice
Thanks, but this asshole makes it pretty easy. He might as well have said, “Freedom of peaceable assembly don’t mean the cops have to peaceful.”
Right, “The first amendment isn’t a license to yell ‘fire’ in the middle of a burning building.”
Rick Perry signs “Merry Christmas” bill; says “Freedom of religion isn’t freedom from religion.” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/06/15/gov-rick-perry-religious-freedom-does-not-mean-freedom-from-religion/
Well that does it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks for joining me.
And when we come back, Dan from the Thank God I’m Atheist podcast will join us and teach me the secret Mormon handshake.
Outro:
Before we close things out for the night we need to take a few seconds to recognize the magnanimity, intelligence and pulchritude of this week’s best people Jason, Anne, Michael, Lindsay, Benjamin and Bryan.
Jason, the sharp-witted demolition expert with a heart of gold; Anne, the exotic and deadly master of disguise; Michael, the devastatingly brilliant computer genius with a black belt; Benjamin, whose sharp tongue and rugged good looks are urban legends in 14 countries; Bryan, whose indispensable wisdom is almost as valued as his katana skills and, of course, Lindsay, the fearless and brilliant leader of the team. Together, this duo of trios is known notoriously throughout the halls of villainy as the Fantastic Six, the Dirty Half-Dozen or sometimes the Hexa-Decimators. They’ve all earned our admiration and gratitude by taking bold steps to keep the world safe from stupidity by giving us money.
Not everyone has the magnificence and biological acuity that it takes to give us money, but if you share Jason, Anne, Michael, Lindsay, Benjamin and Bryan’s altruistic commitment and intellectual refinement, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d like to help but you’re money is yours damn it, you can also help us a ton by swinging over to iTunes and leaving us a good review there. Every review makes a big difference and it’s a great way that you can help us expand our audience. It also takes, like, 9 seconds and it’s free.
I also need to re-thank Lindsay (yes, the fearless leader) for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. I’d also like to take this opportunity to apologize to 51% of the world’s population for it taking 18 episodes for us to have a woman’s voice doing the quote. I also want to plug Lindsay’s very cool Facebook page, “Have You Hugged an Atheist Today?”, which you’ll find linked on the shownotes for this episode. Her and her sister run it, they always manage to find some funny stuff and they get good discussions going on the big issues, so I strongly encourage you to check it out.
https://www.facebook.com/HaveYouHuggedAnAtheistToday
And hey, while you’re there, you might as well like the Scathing Atheist page as well. And then go to Twitter and follow us there. And then go to YouTube and subscribe to us there. And then go to the blog and subscribe there. And then go to Stitcher and listen to our archives there.
Lastly tonight, I want to thank Lucinda for the bible lesson, Heath for the color-commentary and, of course, Dan from the Thank God I’m Atheist podcast. He and Frank have one of the best produced atheist podcasts out there. They’re funny, well-informed and they provide a really important voice to the movement so I strongly suggest you give them a day in court as well. Again, you’ll find a link on the show notes. And while you’re there, you can hear an extended version of the interview on our “Extras” page, along with a bunch of other cool extra stuff.
Thank God I’m Atheist Website: http://www.thankgodimatheist.com/
Thank God I’m Atheist on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/thank-god-im-atheist-podcast/id481105796
Thank God I’m Atheist on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TGIAtheist
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the “Contact” page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 17 – Partial Transcript
by Noah Lugeons and Heath Enwright
SPONSOR:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of Biblical shampoo, Seconds Acts Brain and Body wash. Our maximum strength indoctrination formula is powerful enough to wash away IQ points.
Hell, by the time we’re done with you you’ll be buying shampoo with vitamins in it. Like your hair can metabolize vitamins…
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
INTRO:
It’s Thursday, It’s June 13th and I can prove that if I have to.
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from pre-apocalyptic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
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A high school valedictorian will boldly stand with the many against the few.
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American Atheists will give the devil a place in Florida to rest his cloven feet.
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And the New England Patriots guarantee us at least one more season of Tebow jokes,
But first, the Diatribe.
DIATRIBE:
There’s an apologetics tactic that seems to be gaining popularity of late. This one isn’t showing up in any formal debates, mind you. This one is reserved for the “infantry” of religious debaters, the drooling ass-hats that you find commenting on You-Tube videos and trolling Reddit. It’s a tactic I call “God, the ingredient-less sandwich”.
It goes like this: First, I, the apologist, upon seeing your blog post or YouTube video or whatever, tell you how wrong you’ve got it. Then I offer a definition of god that is so vague and meaningless it would make Deepak Chopra blush. By the time I’m done, I’ve defined god to be absolutely nothing. He’s a sandwich with no ingredients. He’s “all things” or he’s “the transcriber of physical laws” or he’s “the part of us that knows the divine” or he’s “innate sense of goodness in each and every one of us.”
And then you, the counter-apologist, have nothing to argue with. Sure, you can point out that if the term “god” just means “all things” then there’s no point in the term “god” because clearly we both agree that “all things that exist” exist. You can point out that if, by god, I don’t mean an all-knowing, all-powerful, omnibenevolent, all-creating, conscious force, then I should probably come up with a different word to use, since that’s what the rest of English has decided that the word “god” means.
But I’m never wrong. Because whatever you say about god, I’ll just exclude from my definition. Let me give you a real world example:
I do a segment on the blog called “Live Blogging the Bible” where I jot down some of the craziest shit in the book as I come across it. Among the passages that inspired a blog entry was the one in Exodus where Moses outwrestles god by calling upon the magical powers of his son’s penis wreath.
So some theist pops on and gives a response along the lines of “Tee-hee, yeah, this part is really silly. But boy is that book still really, really divine though. Like, really, really importantly, sacredly, divinely inspired. But tee-hee, yeah, the individual passages are really silly.”
This has been a pretty common criticism of the whole “Holy Babble” segment. A Catholic friend of mine told me I was missing the point of Christianity by focusing on the bible. Who reads Leviticus, after all? I felt obligated to point out that Leviticus is the one they use to justify the homophobia thing so, you know, it matters. But as I’ve said before that’s not the point of the segment. We’re not out to “disprove” the bible or offer a textual critique. We’re here to point and laugh and make dick jokes about it.
So I respond, he responds, I respond. He seems overwrought by the fact that somehow his innocent defense of the bible on a website called the “Scathing Atheist” turned into a debate. He gives me his ingredient-less god in the form of “I don’t claim to know all the answers like you atheists do. I don’t claim to know what god is. I’m just open to the possibility and believe that it’s true.”
Well bully for you.
And this “liberal” defense of theism; this “I’m open minded and you’re not because I’m willing to believe logically incoherent things and you aren’t” defense really pisses me off. It brings out the worst in me. These nearsighted fucktards defend some wishy-washy, intangible notion of religion and because of that, they think they can wash their hands of all the bad shit religion does.
Religion starts wars. Yes, but not my type of religion.
Religion oppresses women and gays. Yes, but not my theological bent.
Religion opposes science. Yes, but not my vision of god.
It doesn’t fucking matter, jackass. If you’re setting out to defend “god” against the atheists, you don’t get to just defend your gelatinous definition, because that’s not the only one I’m attacking. Yes, it’s bullshit, too, but it’s not the only bullshit. You’re involving yourself in a social movement and if you win, you don’t just win for your little slice of your side. You win for every homophobic, misogynistic, child indoctrinating, anti-science, anti-education, anti-abortion, anti-equality fucktard who wears the cross. And I think it’s worth noting that there are a hell of alot more of those Christians than there are of you.
Keep in mind that I’m not talking about what you believe. Believe whatever you want. I might make fun of it, but I really don’t give a shit what you believe. I’m talking about what you choose to publicly defend; what you choose to put the weight of your intellect behind.
So eventually this commenter writes me off under the label of “religious intolerance”. What, like that’s supposed to be an insult? I’m wear the “religious intolerance” label pretty proudly. I spent about 40 hours a week being actively intolerant of religion and the rest of my time being passively intolerant.
The fact is that these would be apologists are defending the side that makes good people kill other good people. To that I simply say, “You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re not, so I’m ashamed of you for you.”
HEADLINES:
Joining me for headlines today is my freelance confessor Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to hear my sins?
As long as you don’t show me video again, like the one when you <<<Bleep>>> all using just the one cup.
I was young and I needed the protein.
In our lead story tonight, churches around the country celebrated their unconstitutional and illegal tax exemptions last Sunday by telling the IRS to go fuck itself. Yes, once again it’s that time of year; the time of year when preachers and pastors and priests go in front of their congregations, deliver politically charged addresses that prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that their tax exemptions are unlawful, videotape these sermons and send them to the IRS.
This doesn’t set any unreasonable precedents. I’m pretty sure the Confederacy still does slavery one day a year. Although I doubt they send the videos to the White House.
They call this ritual “Pulpit Freedom Sunday”, and it’s a reaction to that miswired portion of the Christian brain that sees “unrivaled societal privilege” and calls it “persecution”. By law, churches lose their tax exempt status if and when they endorse a political view. As their exemptions are based on the antiquated notion that a church’s primary function is the public good; using that institution to endorse a candidate or tell parishioners how to vote on an upcoming proposition is a clear violation of that societal contract.
The tax exemption for churches is especially egregious to me. Religious groups taken as a whole, own about 7% of habitable land on the earth. In this country, they don’t pay property tax on any of that. Lots of shenanigans where personal homes are somehow also tax exempt houses of worship, but nobody lets me in when I knock really loud late at night wanting to pray.
And somehow, that’s not enough for over 1000 religious leaders across the nation. They feel that they deserve tax exemption just because “up yours”. What’s more, they shouldn’t have to do anything to earn it, they shouldn’t have to conform to any laws or regulations and they should get a magical pony.
They’re already getting away with this. Having their sky-cake and eating it too. Churches are getting the exemptions, and they’re clearly helping organize votes for politicians that share their distaste for science.
“All you have to do, is shut up and take your impossibly over-generous status. Just don’t make a sex tape showing your greedy dicks in the taxpayers’ asses”
And yet they can’t manage that. They instead opt for the “do somethin’ muthatucka” approach. They provide the IRS clear evidence that they’re in violation of the law and dare them to act on it. The IRS, herein referred to as “Religion’s prison bitch”, responds by doing absolutely nothing and continuing to allow these leeches to flaunt their refusal to abide by even the most cursory attempts to limit their undeserved dispensation.
Christianity prefers syrup, and the IRS has obliged.
I also find it interesting, that without batting an eye at the thick ropes of irony on their face, the Christian vote went to Romney, whose religion defines marriage less like “one man and one woman” . . . and more like the porn industry.
Pulpit Freedom Sunday: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/06/09/today-is-pulpit-freedom-sunday-when-christian-pastors-dare-the-irs-to-revoke-their-tax-exemption/
And in “It’s-Just-a-Bench-You-Bloviating-Condom-Malfunction” news, we turn our eyes to north Cuba, also known as south New York City also known as the national death-queue, also known as Florida. This story begins with a six ton granite monument sitting in front of the Bradford County Courthouse in Starke, Florida, proudly displaying a list of secular values like “Thou shalt not kill” and “Thou shalt have no other gods before me”.
Now that god’s dead, can we have other gods after him? There’s gotta be some good midrash about this . . .
Anyway, maybe they’ll be able to find a Christian church somewhere in Florida. A place like that might be able to use six tons of propaganda to put out front.
And when American Atheists challenged the legality of it that’s probably what they should have done. Instead, they opted for the “fix-slavery-by-making-everyone-a-slave” approach and said that it was fine for Christians to put a monument up because anybody could put a monument up. So the atheists opted for the second best solution and offered a monument of their own.
This is great, because a whole bunch of Christians are going to be terrified of the secret Trojan Horse Satan sculpture us vile secularists are conjuring up.
Unfortunately they set aside your “Trojan Horse Satan” proposal and opted instead for a 1500 pound granite bench adorned by secular quotes from the likes of Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and Madalyn Murray O’Hair. And, in an effort to complement the existing ten commandments structure, it will also include a list of Old Testament punishments for violating said commandments, including being stoned, beaten or burned to death.
Fantastic – I’m sure the Christians will appreciate a nice homage like that built into the otherwise entirely demonic bench.
Actually, in a stunning display of cognitive dissonance, Christians are outraged. They manage a paradoxical simultaneous outrage that someone would dare to question the legitimacy of a monument endorsing a particular belief system and that someone would dare to assert the legitimacy of a monument endorsing a particular belief set.
Probably the same mental trait that allows them to engrave the words “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images” without recognizing the irony. And again, there are thick, arcing ropes of irony in the room.
Atheists give satan a place to rest his cloven feet: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2013/jun/7/atheists-set-unveil-first-public-monument-florida-/
Our next story takes us to Liberty, South Carolina, a town known for it’s upscale retailers like Family Dollar and nothing else. Because that’s honestly the only store in the whole fucking town.
Situated about 30 miles from anywhere you’d ever intentionally be, Liberty was home to a recent row between the ACLU, the FFRF and a bunch of Christian turd nuggets that liked to open their city council meetings with prayers.
We’ve been circulating that memo about the 1st of those 10 particularly important amendments since around Christmas of 1791. I know these people aren’t the most intelligently designed beings, but come on…
Yeah, you’d think they’d have heard it by now, but not so for high school valedictorian Roy Costner. Incensed by the sudden political pressure from folks what ain’t ever from ‘round here, Costner decided to use his valedictory speech to send a clear message against the ACLU and their damned Constitution of these United States.
Costner sounds like he’s bound for greatness. Valedictorians from Liberty are pretty much guaranteed admittance to North Northwest South Carolina Community College, and that’s like the Oral Roberts of North Northwest South Carolina community colleges.
And Costner proved that he’s got what it takes to stand in the proud ranks of North Northwest South Carolina’s fightin’ Fry Cooks by cleverly employing a surreptitious tactic called “lying”. He submitted one speech to the school for approval but then, upon taking the podium, dramatically ripped up his prepared speech and instead offered the Lord’s prayer. Because he’s an asshole.
“I had this whole speech prepared, but <DRAMATIC RIP> I’m going to improvise something entirely original . . . Follow along if you know the words . . . Our Father…”
What we have here is the specter of Christian persecution once again rearing it’s imaginary head. This podunk redneck can’t see beyond the Wal Mart on 93 up toward Greenville and actually thinks he’s part of the oppressed minority. The fact that nobody can get elected to national office in this country without swearing fealty to Jesus somehow fails to permeate his shell.
When a town in the pioneer Confederate State is called Liberty, the Christian white dudes there ABSOLUTELY DO NOT get to complain about oppression.
Douche-bag valedictorian delivers prayer for speech: http://www.christianpost.com/news/interview-valedictorian-roy-costner-iv-on-ripping-up-his-approved-speech-reciting-lords-prayer-97552/
And in the “There-are-only-atheists-in-foxoles-because-we’re-not-discriminating-hard-enough” news, the House armed services committee recently struck down a measure that would have created humanist chaplains to serve the near one in four American soldiers who have no religious affiliation.
Those atheist soldiers should have thought about this before they went and died before finding the lord. Of course the chaplains don’t tell the surviving parents that their atheist child is in hell outright. But they’re required to at least address how nice heaven would have been if they weren’t atheist, which is always awkward.
Arguing that humanists chaplains don’t believe anything, Republican pubic louse John Fleming of Louisiana said that humanists would make (quote) “A mockery of chaplaincy,” adding that if an atheist chaplain had to tell a family that their child had died they would tell them (quote) “You know, that’s it. Your son’s just worms.” And then he corrected himself by adding, “I mean, worm food.” Because he was too stupid to be that stupid correctly the first time around.
“You can’t talk to people about death without mass opiates to distribute.”
But don’t worry, it’s not like republicans hang their political hat on loving the troops or anything.
Also, to be fair, not all pubic lice are Republican Christians.
House Armed Services Committee kills humanist chaplaincy bill: http://www.goddiscussion.com/110407/house-armed-services-committee-kills-humanist-chaplain-amendment-for-military-service-members-by-a-vote-of-43-18/
And in military news this week, Jesus has declared war on the porn. We know because Pastor Jay Dennis told us so, and if anybody knows about the use of pornography, it’s apparently Pastor Jay Dennis, of Lakeland, Florida, whose infatuation with pornography has become his life’s work.
Well he’s gonna run into some opposition from the pastor-bation campaign known as “BCB” or “Bishops Choking Bishops”. They argue that if priests were to be denied access to porn, you might start hearing about rape scandals one day.
Even though he totally doesn’t stroke his own dick because, you know, that’s sinful, he presents himself as something of an expert on the sinful autoerotic stimulation of penises. He also doesn’t look at porn and only knows so much about it because he has vowed to obsessively take on the evil specter of pornography even if it means that he has to think about naked people fornicating all the time, day and night, forever.
Yeah I only go on the internet for the articles too. The reason that typing any single letter will autocomplete to a porn site is because I get my news on those sites.
Pastor Dennis is calling his single-minded preoccupation with men fondling their own genitals, “One million men porn free” and to end the evils of pornography, he often spends upwards of 16 hours a day thinking about all those poor men stroking their engorged, throbbing cocks; occasionally choking themselves a little bit at the end or maybe working in some ass play.
The fact that we can’t blow ourselves clearly disproves intelligent design. And the fact that we keep trying anyway indicates even less intelligence.
Calling pornography (quote) “the new bubonic plague in the church”, Pastor Dennis vows to figuratively “beat” every bishop that doesn’t take on the evils of pornography. To figuratively choke every chicken that doesn’t have the guts to take on this issue. To figuratively spank every monkey that covers its ears, eyes and mouth to the problem of pornography.
He should look into my new browser censorship software called “Stroke Ward”
Something about “Hand of God Job”
Pastor seeks one million porn-free men: http://www.christianpost.com/news/so-baptist-convention-2013-one-million-men-porn-free-among-featured-programs-at-annual-meeting-97526/
And in this week’s crucifix masturbation report, former Catholic student and current second cumming joke waiting to happen Valerie Dodds enraged officials at her former school, St. Pius X High School when she published nude videos of herself on school grounds masturbating with one of those little Jesus on the cross action figures that Catholics like so much.
We need to get this girl on our staff . . . And we should hire her too.
Basically, she just out scathed us by a mile; we just got served . . . We might need to dance back. “So you guys do a podcast about atheism? . . . That’s pretty cool . . . I just broke into a house of worship and came on the messiah’s face . . . Your move assholes . . . “
And then she just dropped the mic and walked off stage.
And while we here at the Scathing Atheist have occasionally been guilty of failing to fully vet our stories, you can bet your ass that I researched this one until I ran out of lotion. Because she’s smoking fucking hot. And she’s got a crucifix in her vag.
This is a way better take on the “pussy riot” concept. So did she cum or what?
I never made it that far into the video, honestly. She was later cited for public nudity for the stunt, so Dodds retaliated by returning to the school dressed in nothing but the legal minimum of a pair of panties and nipple covers, because she apparently entered the world by first escaping from a fourteen year old’s wet dream.
Also a 31-year-old’s wet dream during a post-shit nap earlier today.
Monsignor Perkinton, a representative of the school told the media that the school would respond by praying for the young woman. And I’d like to think that when you have a 19 year old porn star constantly showing up at your door in her panties, you should be done praying.
Her site should be called porn-huskers.com
Now that we’re not really on the subject, Jesus works well for several fetishes. My favorite is post-crucifixion necrophilia combined with the stigmata orifice thing. Any chance you have a snappy title for that genre? Must make pun . . .
A dirty Cristos? The holiest of holies? A wrist-job?
Former Catholic student breaks into school to videotape herself masturbating with a crucifix: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/06/07/nebraska-catholic-school-praying-after-former-student-masturbates-with-crucifix/
That does it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks for joining me.
And when we return, we’ll be back.
SKIT:
Narrator: In the beginning, there were two gods. And while many know the story of the more ambitious brother, Jehovah, only a few know the story of his twin brother Mikey. Both were gifted with omnipotence, but only Jehovah was gifted with ambition.
This is the story of Mikey:
(angelic choir, door opening)
“Whoa! What the hell is that?!”
I call it light.
Well… don’t you think it kind of blows? I’m blinded over here.
Oh, bro, you haven’t seen anything yet.
That’s cause I’m fuckin’ blinded.
I’ve got a whole plan… heavens, seas, animals…
Dude, unless this is at least tangentially related to Super Smash Brothers, I’m not interested.
Mikey, this is really important stuff.
(dismissively) Whatever, man. I’m going to bed.
Narrator: And as Mikey slept, his brother continued with his momentous plan…
(Snoring sounds, Splashing water)
(grumbling) Now what?!
(Sloshing through water, door opens and closes)
What the fuck are you doing?
I call it water.
Well, you think you could make it suck a little less?
Don’t worry, I’m going to create solid ground next.
Well can you hurry the hell up? It’s kinda hard to sleep with all this churning and rolling and salty crap getting sprayed in my face.
Yeah, I should be done with the ground tomorrow sometime.
Tomorrow!? What’s wrong with now?
This is a lot of work, bro. I promise… I’ll get to it as soon as I can. I’m still separating all these seas.
Fine… just hurry the hell up.
(door slams)
Narrator: And on the second day, Mikey rested… And on the third day, Mikey continued to rest. And on the fourth day he mostly just smoked bong hits.
(Bong sound effect)
PART TWO:
Narrator: Four days after the first intrusion of Jehovah’s light, Mikey awoke within a sealed wooden enclosure he’d used to avoid his brother’s twisted machinations. Beyond the wooden walls he could hear strange sounds and his curiosity eventually bested his lethargy. Mikey ventured once more into Jehovah’s new creation.
(Door opens)
Yo, Joey!
(mutters) My name’s Jehovah
I’m digging that big orange ball of flame… it’s nice. I’d have put it a little higher up, but hey, that’s just me.
It actually rises and falls back over on that side. It moves kind of slow. I’m trying to get it to exactly 24 hours but it’s a pain in the ass.
How close are you?
I’m within a minute.
Close enough.
(mutters) Isn’t that always your answer…
Loving what you did with the sky, little bro. Little white patches floating by… nice touch.
Clouds, I call ‘em. You should see it at night. I did stars and everything.
Nice. So what are you planning with this whole thing?
(slightly maniacal laugh) Well… I still gotta finish the moon, but then the next couple days I’m working on animals.
What the fuck are animals?
Little living, sentient things that’ll eat each other and compete for limited resources. It’ll be fun to watch.
Sounds like a pain in the ass. Are you gonna take care of all those things? You know… take ‘em for walks and stuff?
Nope. They’re on their own in a cruel world, bro. But hold on, I haven’t told you the…
Wait… a cruel world? Why would you create a cruel world?
Cruelty will act as a lesson about the vastness of my power. I’ll creating suffering so that they can enjoy bounty in its absence.
That doesn’t make a lick of sense.
No… it does. See, you can’t have good without evil.
Yes you can. You’re omnipotent, remember? You can have anything you want.
Anyway, don’t worry about it. That’s not even the best part. I haven’t told you about ‘man’ yet.
(skeptically) What are mans?
Men.
Okay, what are mens?
No, man, but when you pluralize it, you say ‘men’.
This is already weird and you haven’t even told me what they are.
I work in mysterious ways, Mikey.
Whatever… fine. So what are ‘men’?
Okay… this is so cool… They’ll be like little versions of us. My own image and everything. And I’ll give them free will and I’ll stick them in a garden paradise…
Well that’s nice of you. I was afraid…
… but I’ll put a tree in there with really delicious fruit on it and I’ll tell them not to eat it and when they do… and you know they will… anyway, when they do, I’ll curse them for all of eternity.
… what?
And then I’ll fuck with ‘em for a few centuries and totally remove myself from their world. And if they don’t believe I exist after that, I’ll condemn them to spend eternity burning in a fiery pit.
What’s a fiery pit?
It’s something I’m going to create just to be a miserable ass place to spend eternity in.
Um …Why?
Because I want them to see how awesome I am. They’ll love me or they’ll burn in hell in an unending orgy of tragic pain for all of time. It’ll be great!
Dude… you’ve lost your fucking mind. I’m sorry to just lay it out there like that, but you’re fucking crazy. That’s the weirdest shit I’ve ever heard. Seriously… I should create mental asylums just so I could lock you in one.
Go ahead. See if you ever figure out how magnets work, dick.
Narrator: God turned his back on his brother and Mikey retreated to his ark to play some video games. It would be centuries before he came out again and by then, his brother had so irrevocably fucked up his experiment that he’d simply given up on it and moved on to a new project.
Thus ends the gospel of Mikey.
OUTRO:
Before we snuff the candles this week, I wanted to respond to a few concerns a fan of the show raised on an otherwise very complimentary review on iTunes. Il Divertente points out that the show is funny, well-written, thoughtful and great, all of which are true. He then goes on to share two minor irritants:
One is my persistent mispronunciation of atheist as atheist instead of atheist. He or she is, of course, correct and as she or he is not the first person to point it out, and I hope he or she noticed the concerted effort I’ve been making to get it right. I’ve got a bit of a lisp I have to work around and there’s something about the word “Atheist” that always trips me up.
The second concern was that of my hidden identity. He or she correctly points out that my name is not actually “Noah Lugeons” and wonders what I’m hiding from. Well, Il Divertente, I would direct your attention to another person who hid behind a secret identity and redeemed humanity through his suffering. And that person’s name was Batman.
Now clearly, Batman had a way cooler car than me because who needs a car in New York, but I think we can all admit that Noah Lugeons is a way funnier pseudonym than Batman.
I should also point out that if you’d like to unmask the Scathing Atheist, an easy way to find out my secret identity is to give us money. Because of the way paypal sets up its donation system, everybody who donates to the show actually sees my name on the confirmation email they receive.
Which brings us to a quick recognition of the unparalleled awesomeness of this week’s most exceptional carbon based lifeforms, Richard and April. Already among the pantheon of the world’s greatest people for having donated to the show in the past, these two transcendently admirable and admirably transcendent individuals have earned a spot within the pantheon of the pantheon by doubling down and donating to our show not once but twice.
We make a lot of jokes about pretty much everything, but we are truly humbled by the generosity of our listeners and thanks you sincerely, even if it means having to be sincere for a few seconds. If you, too, would like to join the pantheon of the world’s best people, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you want to help but all your money is tied up in Linguini-based energy, you can always help us out by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes, telling someone about the show and then forcing them to download it at gunpoint.
That does it for us tonight but we’ll be working hard to earn another half hour of your life next week. If you can’t wait that long, be sure to check out our erratically published blog, follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook and subscribe to us on YouTube.
I want to thank Heath for everything he does to make this show possible. I also need to thank Lucinda for narrating the skit and putting up with the mostly unpaid second full time job I’ve decided to take on. I also need to thank Wesley from Atheist Nomads for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. He’s got a really fun and rowdy podcast going on over there. If you haven’t checked it out yet, I highly recommend you give him and Dustin a day in court. You’ll find a link to their podcast on the shownotes for this episode.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the “Contact Page” at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by your truly and yes, I did have my permission.
A Non-Trivial Problem
by Noah Lugeons
I’ve been trapped in an endless and ultimately pointless debate on this blog for over a week now. It all began when a pseudo-theistic pseudo-apologist commented on one of my “Live Blogging the Bible” posts with something that amounted to
“Tee-hee, yeah, this is a pretty silly part of the bible. I agree. But still, man is that book incredible and divine.”
Of course, I haven’t read the whole book and have barely crested the “preface” stage, but I still have to take issue with this assertion. The book cannot be more than the sum of its parts. If there are any genuinely meritorious parts of the book, one would still have to weigh them against the unscrupulous horrors in other parts of the book. And honestly, the rest of the book would have to pretty damn good to make up for the misguided anti-morality of the first three books.
The crux of the apologists argument was that my cursory reading of the bible was worthless as I wasn’t taking the time to understand it in context. I was also focused only on the bible and not the rich theology that has evolved through the ages. Christianity, he argued, is not the bible. The bible is just a starting point and the theology of the faith had advanced so much since the days of Moses’ foreskin aided wrestling match.
I pointed out that it’s not really possible to say that theology “advanced”, as one can no more say that theology of today is in accordance with the divine than the theology of yesteryear. It’s like talking about a breakthrough in homeopathy or phrenology. If the endeavor has no measurable value, it can’t be said to advance. Advance suggests a destination.
Instead of answering that charge, my esteemed opponent instead accused me of “religious intolerance” as though I did not boast of it. He suggested that I’d simply divided the world into the good people who are against religion and the bad people who are in favor of it. It was a thinly veiled charge of anti-theistic bigotry that rested on my continued insistence that without a goal one can draw no nearer to the goal. How dare I be so intolerant of people making bold and demonstrably false truth claims while insisting that they’re point of view should be respected and accepted without the burden of evidence?
This is a common tack from the “liberal” theist (and by liberal I refer here to their theology, not their politics). Atheists are bullies that are every bit as dogmatic as the believers. We’re intolerant of religious people (which is true) which means we’re just like the Muslims who are intolerant of the Jews (which is bullshit). They, on the other hand, are agnostics with a property-less god and the only honest position: self-imposed ignorance. We should just live and let live and who cares if fundamentalists stand in the way of science or oppress gays or mistreat women? That’s not religion’s fault.
It is an intellectually dishonest position and what’s more, anyone smart enough to take this position is also smart enough to see why it’s bullshit. Religious extremism is (as the name would suggest) simply a point on the spectrum of religiosity. Some people have benign tumors but that doesn’t mean tumors aren’t a problem. Fundamentalism is a problem that (a) all religions share and (b) cannot be found outside of a religious context. This would suggest that fundamentalism is a necessary byproduct of religion. And it really doesn’t matter what a bunch of Muslim scholars say about peace and love if the true believers are hacking people to death in the streets.
This is not a “live and let live” situation. This is a situation that demands intolerance. Religion is a non-trivial problem.
No rational person would wish for the destruction of the world. Such a proposition is as irrational as any you might propose. What’s more, no person irrational enough to wish for the destruction of the world could possibly acquire the means and assistance he or she would need to make it happen. While technology does give us the means to global catastrophe, it is hard to imagine that anyone with the stated goal of world destruction could find anyone willing to lend a hand. Sure, a clever statesmen could use nationalism and deceit to trick enough people into helping him, but the very nature of logic forbids any large scale attempt to bring about the end of one’s own species.
But, of course, if logic can be removed, there is no such safeguard. If one can be convinced without evidence that a whole different universe exists after you die that is way better and way more important than this petty world, you could overcome your natural survival instinct and happily march the planet toward the apocalypse that your god has promised you.
No doubt the liberal defender of theism would roll their eyes at this nightmare scenario. They would pretend it is ridiculous. They would pretend that there aren’t large, organized, multi-national groups with exactly this goal. They would pretend that somehow reason can prevail amid a group that has outlawed reason.
And of course they would. They have to. They can’t accept that the same thing that gives them their own personal love-Jesus might also have a dark side. And they certainly can’t accept that the dark side eclipses the bright side.
Religious extremism is just religion without constraint. No religion has ever voluntarily tempered itself. No religion has ever neutered its own power. It is the job of the secularist, the job of the scientist and the job of the atheist to castrate religion every time it thrusts its scrotum into the rest of the world. As fond as religion is of mutilating it’s own genitals, they still leave that job to us.
Adventures From the Bible Belt
After reading the post I wrote the other day about people sending me their stories, my wife felt the urge to share her own. As a rational person sentenced to an adolescence in the bible belt, her atheism was born of one of religion’s uglier and more terrifying faces; that of the Southern Baptist.
My Run in With Religion
by Lucinda Lugeons
Episode 15 – Partial Transcript
by Noah Lugeons & Heath Enwright
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new anti-erection medication for all of your overnight camping trips with known pedaphiles and children needs. The flaccidating power of new Celibacyalis will tame even the most immaculate ejaculate.
Celibacyalis, because only the Pope can be infallible, but anyone can be in-phallus-able.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday, it’s May 30th and what the fuck Detroit? You were up 3-1 in that goddamned series.
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from bohemian New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode:
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A recent law change in Texas will make it legal to not break the law,
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Iowa takes concrete steps to be dumber and less vaccinated,
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And we’ll make you laugh so hard a little bit of pee comes out,
But first, the Diatribe:
Diatribe:
I’d like to start off tonight with, an update on the soundclip that opened our show last week. And for the apparently sizable percentage of our audience with bong related memory deficiencies, it was the one where Wolf Blitzer makes almost as much of an ass of himself as he did when he went on Jeopardy and proved himself to be biologically fungal in mental function. And if you somehow missed that clip on the YouTube, the Twitter and the Facebook, the story goes like this:
Man means woman, woman’s holding baby in front of a house recently destroyed by a tornado, man is a salivating news whore so he puts a camera in front of her. So here’s this feeble-minded simpleton who managed to score a negative $4600 on the dumbed down Jeopardy they give to celebrities and he’s vamping for questions so he asks the poor woman if she remembers to thank god.
Now, I can’t really blame Wolf Blitzer for assuming that the random Oklahoman he was talking to was Christian. You’re gonna win that bet a lot more than you’re gonna lose it. Hell, it’s not like answering “What is Jerusalem?” when the clue was “Jesus hailed from this town”, but it’s still a stupid thing to ask someone about whom you know nothing. But it’s Wolf “which appendages do the pants go on again?” Blitzer so you expect shit like that.
But what followed is something you wouldn’t expect. Instead of looking at her shoes and muttering “well… yeah, whatever, I thank him, sure” she very politely and somewhat timidly said, “well, no, because I’m an atheist”. And then Wolf laughs. Like retarded people getting pudding .
The woman he was talking to at the time, now identified as one Rebecca Vitsmun, didn’t have to self-identify as an atheist. She could have just shrugged. But she used the A word. She said on national TV (albeit a channel nobody watches) that no, she doesn’t thank God because she doesn’t believe in God. And if anyone had been watching, they might have said, “Hey look, there’s a regular person with real problems and an adorable baby that isn’t religious and seems like a normal human.”
Keep in mind that normally there’s no reward for saying, “No, I’m an atheist”. In fact, when you live in Oklahoma there’s often something quite antipodal to a reward. If she was doing it with any end goal in mind it was probably a subtle reminder to Wolf and the other newscasters out there that they shouldn’t assume people are religious. It’s a bit of a sacrifice to send a very important message.
Wolf Blitzer won’t learn, of course, because he’s so stupid that he doesn’t even know he’s too stupid to go on Jeopardy, but I’m willing to bet that a number of other news anchors are taking notes. But not Wolf. Because it was rainy that day and his crayons don’t work in the rain. And I’m sorry if it seems like I’m focusing too much on Wolf’s mental-impairments, but we are talking about a guy who once looked at a bowl of penne on a television screen and said, “What is fettucini?” I mean, fettucini Wolf? Are you fucking kidding me?
So I heard this silly little soundclip and decided to open the show with it. And I wasn’t the only one who thought it deserved a share because within 24 of the live broadcast it was all over the atheist blogosphere and all over the english speaking world atheists were giving Rebecca an enthusiastic fist pump. But the story doesn’t end here, because it turns out that wasn’t all we were giving her.
Enter comedian and secular church co-founder Doug Stanhope who sees this thing and realizes that it’s a perfect time to show the world the benefit of putting your faith in the faithless. So he started an Indiegogo campaign called “Atheists Unite” to raise money to help our latest viral celebrity rebuild. And it turned out that we atheists thought it a fantastic idea.
So thanks to the efforts of Stanhope, the inexplicable morality of non-believers and the power of the atheist blogosphere, the secular community was able to raise $50,000 for Vitsmun in less than three quarters of a day with more pouring in to help her and other recently smited people in Oklahoma.
Now, originally I was going to tack this update on to the end of the headlines section, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this story represented every single step between now and secular majority. It begins with normal people standing up and proudly (if timidly) proclaiming their atheism. It ends with secular humanism stepping in and serving those functions that we’ve left to churches for so long.
Christians have a lot of places to go when shit hits the fan. Within hours of the storm clouds clearing there were religious missionaries there to help the religious people cope. And most of these people are probably just good people that want to help. They’d be happy to help the atheists too, but they’re not equipped. They can only exacerbate the stress by talking about god’s plan and asking us if we remembered to thank Super Jesus.
In researching for this show, I come across a lot of shit that makes me wonder if there’s any point in fighting this fight. I see laws being passed today that the 18th century would be embarassed by. I see world leaders justifying their actions with Aesop’s fables. I see people being killed by the hundreds for believing in the right imaginary friend the wrong way. And it makes me want to start a podcast about hockey or something.
But once in awhile I come across a story like this and it gives me hope. And it reminds me that there’s really some power in this community even if we are a bunch of unherdable pussies. It reminds me that even our weird, nebulous, infrastructureless, leaderless movement can still get things done. And it reminds me that Wolf Blitzer is verifiably nine thousand, two hundred Jeopardy-dollars stupider than NANCY GRACE. And I like being reminded of stuff like that.
Atheist Community raises money for Wolf Blitzer’s surprise Oklahoma atheist: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/05/24/has-the-oklahoma-atheist-been-saved/
And Proof that Wolf is really that stupid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVC28oemocA
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is my fellow ignorance wrangler, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to corral the flock?
I’m trying really hard to be the shepherd.
In our lead story tonight, it looks like we’re all going to heaven, unless, of course, the infallible guy was wrong, which, according to the people who believe him to be infallible, he was. The story begins at morning mass where the new, controversial pontiff controversially declared that everybody could get into heaven even if they’re not Catholic… and there was controversy.
I love when the pious get meaningless news…that they believe to be terrible news. Turns out they’ve spent their entire seratonin-deprived lives hedging their bets on the losing end of Pascal’s Wager. What’s wrong? You been completely wasting your time confiding your darkest secrets to an asexual man in the next stall every Sunday?
Could have just as well been going to a Minnesota airport mens room, and getting more than just your ego stroked?
Couldn’t be less productive than confession. Anyway, the atheist community, who, truth be told, could give a shit less what some senile old coot thinks about our chances of making it to space paradise, welcomed the statement and gave the pope a pat on the back for trying. In fact, many people of a number of different faiths welcomed the statement, but you can bet your ass that none of them were Catholic.
As quickly as they could rev up the holy-laptop…
Is that a Gateway… to Heaven?
No, they’re pretentious so it’s probably an I-Maccabees.
Wouldn’t they spring for the Adonai-Pad?
Well, whatever they used, the underlings that pull the pope’s strings took to the series of tubes to clarify the statement and assure faithful Catholics that what he really meant was the exact opposite of what he said. Despite infallible rumors to the contrary, only Catholics get sky-cake.
Nope, too late. You heard him, and like you said he’s infallible. “All my atheist sins of reason done been warshed away . . . Come on in boys, the water is fine.”
It’s gotta hurt to find out from Megatron that the heathen Autobots can have real cake, and sky cake, and eat it too. That’s like blowing someone for drugs that you’re not going to take, and then finding out they’ve been giving away free drugs to atheists the whole time.
Pope Decides Atheists Can Go to Heaven: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/05/23/heaven-for-atheists-pope-sparks-debate/
And in “It’s-Not-Praying-If-I-Don’t-Agree-With-You” news, Arizona legislator Steve Smith called for a metaphysical mulligan last week after atheist representative Juan Mendez profaned that body’s ritual of morning incantations by offering his own prayer to start the session. Steve Smith, who, in addition to being two washed up NFL wide-outs, is apparently also an old, white, bigoted fuck-plunger, was incensed by the audacity of equality and offered a second prayer in (quote) “repentance” for the godless heathen’s prayer.
That’s weird, because normally Representative Mendez arrives very late to these sessions, as Arizona law requires that he show his ID to any white person that sees him along the way.
Sounds like Smith is being fairly open-minded. He’s willing to allow anybody – even an atheist – to deliver a Christian prayer before the session?
Smith offered this hilariously stupid analogy to justify his actions, “If you don’t love this country… don’t say ‘I want to lead this body in the pledge’ and stand up there and say… ‘You know what, I love England’.”
Yeah we can’t have politicians wasting their time dwelling on societal problems. We need them focused on old books.
So apparently the constitutionally dubious opening prayer is okay and doesn’t endorse a particular faith group, but if you don’t pray to Mary’s Baby-Daddy, the Christians still get to pray anyway.
Michael Richards isn’t racist . . . We had Chris Rock open for him.
Atheist Prayer Not Good Enough For Arizona Lawmaker: http://news.yahoo.com/arizona-house-non-prayer-sparks-christian-213521848.html
And in military news, the state of Texas has issued a preemptive strike in the war on Christmas with House Bill 308, which protects a teacher or student’s rights to say “Merry Christmas” without repercussions. It also gives the districts the right to put up Christmas decorations, too. So apparently they can open the gates of the prisons and let all those “Merry Christmas” wishin’, mistletoe-hangin’ hoodlums back out on the streets.
I heard this legislation is just a piggy back on another larger bill, re-affirming that under Texas law, murder is still frowned upon. The amended murder ban would also include an exclamation point at the end. Texans want to show how serious they are about not murdering, unless of course, you’re paid by the government to inject people with poison.
Now, as an atheist, my ears always perk up when I hear about state legislators making things legal that are already legal and you don’t have to dig too deeply into this one to see what the real goal is. The bill doesn’t change a single letter of any law anywhere. What it does is send a firm message that atheists can go fuck themselves if they think they’re comin’ after the baby Jesus and our manger scene.
Well, if they’re worried about somebody stealing the baby Jesus from their tax-embezzlement-funded, life-sized shoebox diorama, why don’t they just nail him down?
Are they sensitive about that for some reason?
And just to clarify the visual gag I was using during a podcast, my arms were extended outward as I made that suggestion.
Who says sight-gags don’t work on audio? The bill specifically states that Christmas decorations are fine as long as there is at least one symbol from one other faith somewhere. Like, a menorah in the closet or a buddha in the attic or something.
Like a Jew under the floorboards?
…at least you didn’t say in an urn.
…or oven.
In fact, it even says that “at least one secular scene or symbol” is sufficient to offset the Christian-ness of a nativity scene leading one to ask, what the fuck is a “secular” symbol? I mean, are they saying as long as there’s a cross and a non-cross object, it’s okay?
Crosses are all about perpendicular, so they must mean secular objects like 2 lines that are extremely parallel.
“I mean, sure, that’s a diorama of Christ on the cross, but look at this secular umbrella stand next to it, so… you know?”
I guess representations of factual a priori knowledge would be secular objects.
I’m sure when questions like these come up, the highly-educated members of the Texas legislature routinely discusses Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason, and the concepts behind the (analytic / synthetic) and (a priori / a posteriori) distinctions.
Yes, I’m sure that Rick Perry can both comprehend and spell those concepts.
Texas mounts preemptive strike in the War on Christmas: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/05/24/texas-set-to-pass-bill-protecting-the-phrase-merry-christmas-from-well-no-one-really/
And in morbidly-obese-gubernatorial news, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has decided that they’re pretty much recovered from that hurricane shit and now they’ve got a spare 11 and a quarter million dollars to give to seminaries for capital improvements. And no, I don’t have to be fucking kidding you, because I’m not.
You’ve must have been fucking kidding me when you said “I don’t have to be fucking kidding you”.
I wasn’t.
The appropriations are tucked away amid 174 less questionable grants going to 44 less questionable colleges around the state. But if you go a-diggin’ you’ll find two line items totalling $11.25 million going to two religious schools. And I’m not talking “We’re Notre Dame and we love Jesus and we’re religious” religious schools, I’m talking about “We’re training religious people to be more religious and only people of our religion can come here” religious schools.
First of all, I’m not ok with Notre Dame getting any public money if they’re going to teach students about fictional characters like god and Manti Teo’s girlfriend. Also, after doing some google images research on this, I’m fairly certain that former Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weiss is the same person as governor Christie.
Hard to believe considering that when Sandy hit, Christie was able to mount a defense.
The two grants include a $650,000 grant to Princeton Theological Seminary and a stereotype reinforcing $10.6 million to the Beth Medrash Govoha rabbinical school. I think it’s worth noting that the latter of the two not only excludes non-Jews, but non-men as well so one must invoke exponents to express the unconstitutional nature of these grants.
Really?!?! $11.25 million dollars going to teach clergy? How much does it cost to build a new pseudo-science lab? Are they demonstrating scripture concepts with large hadron colliders now?
Something strikes me odd about a rabbinical school modernizing anyway.
Chris Christie Wants to Funnel Millions in Taxpayer Dollars to Seminaries: https://www.au.org/blogs/wall-of-separation/paying-for-praying-nj-governor-seeks-to-award-taxpayer-millions-to
And in “If-We-Stop-Testing-These-Kids-They’ll-Stop-Failing” News, the Iowa state legislature recently passed House File 215 in an effort to lower the bar of homeschooling standards so far that a person might theoretically trip over it. HF 215 ensures the success of every child by removing any standard that would require them to learn or do anything.
Is this in response to an outcry that Iowa parents were making their homeschooled children too smart?
Or maybe too healthy, as among the standards on the chopping block here is the requirement that homeschooled children be vaccinated
Most homeschooled children in Iowa are baptised, so why would they need vaccinations?
What’s worse is that some of this other shit is worse. This thing goes from relaxed to catatonic with revisions like:
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Homeschooled children no longer have to spend a set number of days a year learning things
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Homeschooled children no longer have to learn any things
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Homeschooled children never have to demonstrate knowledge of things
What is this, “No Child Pushed Ahead? Can parents get vouchers to cover the costs of not teaching?
Just the latest in Iowa’s aggressive strategy to end Mississippi’s reign as the stupidest state in the country.
And that’s a competitive category.
Iowa deregulates home-schooling: ttp://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/05/27/new-legislation-will-allow-iowas-homeschooling-parents-to-not-teach-their-children/
And in “We-Can-No-Longer-Afford-To-Be-Picky” news, the Church of England recently unveiled plans to allow people with vaginas to become bishops. After decades spent debating something the rest of the world had figured out so thoroughly it had long been encoded in law, the Church of England had decided that women have functional brains, too.
The Catholic Church needs to take a cue here. This would put a huge dent in the rape case numbers. I’m not saying female priests wouldn’t be capable of abusing their power, but it would end up being consensual way more of the time. When I was a 12-year-old boy, I would have happily taken a BJ from a toothless old nun.
12 years old? I’d still take a… oh, nevermind.
So perhaps it was for the toothless blowjobs,, perhaps it’s because you can’t fuck something up if it never has any actual results anyway or maybe it was spurred on by a genuine change of heart, the important thing to note is that they’re not going to rush into this. They’re only one full century behind modern thought on this so they’re gonna give it a couple more years before they revoke their bigotry.
This sounds a lot like the way the Republican Party is being forced to reluctantly embrace colored people.
And estrogened people at the same time.
Now, I have to point this out: In every article I saw on this they say that the church made “concessions” to the people who opposed women bishops, but I couldn’t find any details on that and I’m dying to know what that would entail. I mean, what, they can be bishops but I can still call them “Toots” and they have to make me a sandwich if I ask?
Listen guys, the female bishop thing is happening, but as a concession . . . From now on, “No” means “Yes”, and “Yes” means “Anal”.
Church of England to Allow Women Bishops in 2015: http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/05/24/us-britain-church-bishops-idUSBRE94N0RV20130524
And finally tonight in our international forecast on demonic activity, we turn to Madrid where the devil seems to be winning one fiddle-battle after another. An anonymous spokeswoman for the archdiocese of Madrid told the Associated Press that they had only one priest who was fully trained in devil-wrestling and that just wasn’t enough.
Is a spokeswoman like a female spokesman? Like a woman talking?
I doubt it… they’re Catholic.
Now, apparently you can only make the normal water turn into magic devil-kryptonite if you’ve been authorized by a bishop to do so and, of course, the Vatican is well aware of how silly the whole exorcism thing looks to everyone except idiots. As evidence, I offer the recent shit show that erupted when stories got out that one might have been performed in St. Peter’s Square last week by Pope San Francisco Treat.
You’ve been managing to get lots of mileage out of Pope Francis nicknames. This time you’ve got him as gay rice.
Thanks you. I project that by episode 24 I’ll be using shit like Pope Fart-rancis so enjoy it while you can. But anyway, this leaves Spain in a delicate position because they’ve got one exorcist Bruce Lee-ing his way through the Spanish demon-hordes here and he’s in desperate need of reinforcements, but nobody’s coming to help. And somebody please tell Michael Bay that I’d sell him that script cheap if he wants it.
So I would normally make a Michael Bay joke here, but where does one find anything to criticize in films such as Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys 2, The Island, Transformers, Transformers 2, Transformers 3, and Untitled Transformers Sequel?
I think that’s the most offensive thing you’ve ever said on this show, so I guess we can close it out there. Heath, thanks for joining me.
And when we come back, we’ll HTTP colon… oh wait, that’s the link.
The Holy Babble Supplement:
I got an email the other day about our Holy Babble segment and it accused us of just cherry picking out the bad shit and ignoring the good shit.
Well that’s the point of our segment. We’re not fact checking the bible line by line to see how bad their batting average is; we’re out to make circumcised dick jokes at its expense.
And boy does this thing have dick jokes, but I’d still respectlessly disagree with the dink who sent this email because we really haven’t had to do that at all. We’ve really just been telling the story as it’s written and it really is that fucked up. In fact, if anything, we’ve left out some of the most fucked-up stuff so that we’d have time to talk about the spattering of good stuff.
Non-evil stuff anyway.
Right. So as evidence of that, we’d like to offer you the top five horribly fucked up things we didn’t talk about when we broke down the first two books of the Bible in a segment we like to call…
The HOLY BABBLE… SUPPLEMENT
5) Genesis 6.
Now, we skimmed over the whole Noah’s Ark bit because plenty has been said about what ridiculous horseshit it is, so when we talked about it, we never even mentioned what an implausible concept it is. Who feeds what to who? What are they drinking? And who’s shoveling all the shit?
Sounds like an impossible to solve LSAT question. If you have a bag of grain, and 2 foxes, and 2 hens, and 2 of every other animal, on one side of the river, and an impossible ark on the other side . . . Also, why did the birds need an ark to survive a flood?
And what about the amphibians? And where did Noah go to pick up two polar bears? And how did they keep everything from fucking everything?
Seems like if FEMA had hired this Noah guy before Katrina, blacks might not be extinct in New Orleans.
Yeah, they definitely needed a few more cubits of emergency housing. Now, to keep things fair, I did look at what the apologists had to say about these questions and according to AIG, the ark would have produced about 11 metric tonnes of shit a day, a quota that Answers In Genesis can only aspire to.
http://www.answersingenesis.org/articles/am/v2/n2/caring-for-the-animals
4) Exodus 21:7
This is a verse that starts with the words, “When a man sells his daughter as a slave,” and doesn’t then go on to say, “you will castrate him with a rusty mayonnaise lid and let him bleed to death in the public square.” How could we possibly be cherry picking the worst stuff if we skipped over the bit where it outlines the ethical way to sell your daughter as a slave?
Actually, I assumed I would cherry pick something from this, but their guidelines on this are surprisingly reasonable. It even includes guarantees the whores won’t be sold to foreigners . . . so that’s nice.
True. It even encourages you to continue to feed her after you get bored of fucking her.
It also says that if you buy her for your son and she marries the slave you have to treat the slave like your daughter. Which sounds good until you consider that one book earlier Lot was tossing his daughters to rape-starved sodomites.
Which brings us to…
3) Genesis 19:30-38
Here we have a lovely little story about those same daughters repeatedly force-fucking their dad. It doesn’t set anything up or connect anything to anything. It’s just there to give perverse goat-herders an image to jackoff to and insult Moabites.
I guess the lesson here is “Dad’s dick is better than no dick at all.”
That’s the moral, yeah. So in this passage, Lot, after escaping from Sodom with his two date-rapist daughters and his favorite salt-lick, unwillingly impregnates his daughters with two inbred, incestuous, polydactyl prison babies.
Must have been legitimate rape.
Well, the Jews were probably worried about future persecution on account of their genetic superiority, so a few extra fingers and chromosomes just made sense. Nobody figured every single Moabite would settle in the same 3-block radius in Brooklyn.
I guess the one good thing about being gang raped by sodomites is that you won’t get pregnant…
I wouldn’t say that’s the ONLY perk about being gang-raped by sodomites.
2) Exodus 21:20-21
There’s no way to dress this one up worse than it comes off in the actual bible, so here it is from the NIV version:
“Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result, but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property.”
I can’t help but picture a Jewish version of a Southern plantation owner. Like Woody Allen instead of Don Johnson in Django.
Yes, Exodus was full of fair and equitable treatment of one’s slaves. For example, while one was encouraged to regularly beat one’s slaves and children, the gouging out of a slaves eye was frowned upon. In fact, the rule says that if you knock out the slaves eye you have to let him go, so I figure if I was a slave, I’d just be moving my eyes in front of the whip constantly.
1) Genesis 9:20-27
And finally, the most perplexing parable in the book to this point, we didn’t even mention the crazy post-deluvian antics of Noah and his dancing weiner.
This is the “If your dad’s a drunk, you need to walk around your house backwards wearing a cape” chapter.
Right, apparently they were supposed to walk around shading the lower half of their vision like the Bela Lugosi double in Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Not sure how the fuck we forgot to mention this part, considering I plan to be an alcoholic father one day.
As it turns out, if I want to smite my son and get him sent to hell, all I have to do is get wasted and pass out while hanging brain. Or more directly, just wake him up with a tea bag.
I guess that really shows the concern my dad had for my soul. When I was a kid he would only take his dick out when he was behind me.
I think this chapter is the basis for the penis game in “Waiting”
I never saw that flick. How does that game work? … Oh fuck dude!
Outro:
I had one quick but important announcement before we close things out for the night. In response to a number of requests for Scathing Atheist shwag, Heath and I are commissioning the design of three Scathing Atheist T-Shirts that will be available soon if you’re willing to interpret the word “soon” in a geological sense.
But between now and then, we want your help deciding exactly what to put on those shirts. We’ll be doing shirts for three of our many fine sponsors. I’ll be posting a poll on our blog and on Facebook, so if there’s a particular sponsor you’d wear on a T-Shirt, let us know. You can let us know over Twitter, on Facebook, via email or, if you want to make absolutely sure your vote is counted, you can add your preference to the end of a 5 star review on iTunes.
That’s all the time we’ve got for tonight’s show, but we’ll be back in 168 hours to tackle one of the most infamous books in the bible. If you can’t wait that long, be sure to check out our erratically published blog at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. You’ll also get your daily fix of Scatheism by following us on Twitter and liking us on Facebook. And don’t forget to check out our You-Tube channel, even though everything on it is just a segment pulled from the podcast which you’ve probably already heard.
I want to thank Heath for all his help this week. I also want to thank Reap from the Angry Atheist for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. Hard to believe he had the ten seconds to spare with all the content that dude is producing in a week, so if you haven’t checked out the Angry Atheist yet, I definitely recommend it along with ReapSow Radio, which you’ll find linked on the shownotes for this episode.
But finally and most importantly, we have to take a minute to honor this week’s most sexually attractive human beings, Paul, Dee, Kevin and Graham, who distinguished themselves this week by giving us money. Paul, whose clever inventions and godlike nunchaku skills will one day save humanity; Dee whose wit and sharp mind are the very metric by which future robot generations will measure their intellect; Kevin, whose agility, fearlessness and ability to banter well with supervillains are the envy of masked-vigilantes everywhere and Graham; whose very presence soothes children, moistens vaginas and lengthens telomeres even over Skype. These truly superlative citizens have all earned their place in history and in my heart with their stolid generosity. And we love them all equally, except Graham who we love just a little more because holy shit, the dude donated a hundred bucks. Which was fucking awesome and totally made my week. Thanks bro.
If you, too, would like to earn your eventual spot beside these exceptional bipeds on the Mount Rushmore of altruism and erudition, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. Remember, not every donation goes straight to booze and weed. Some of it goes to hosting and stuff.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page of our website. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Exodus, in Rhyme
by Noah Lugeons
Okay, so I know that this is already in the post right below this one, but I had a few people ask if I could post it separately so that they could link to the poem directly. So here it is, Exodus, by god, via Moses, via me:
The lord said unto Moses, “An Egyptian’s what you pose as,
But just look at all their noses, and you’ll see that you’re a Jew.”
Unto the Lord then replied Moses, “So what do you suppose is,
gonna happen when they know this? Just what am I to do?”
So he wandered as he pondered, of the Hebrews he grew fonder
So when he saw one get dishonored he attacked the perpetrator.
The dude was dead so Moses fled but in his head what Yahweh said
Still gave him dread as off he sped, telling Egypt “See you later.”
So when he finished with his fleein’ he wound up in Midian,
And he found a priest agreein’ to give up his daughter’s hand.
But the crazy shit he started seein’ left him guaranteein’
That his purpose would be freein’ all the Hebrews in the land.
See, he was tending Jethro’s flocks, when on some holy ground he walks,
He finds a burning bush that talks, and it tells him of his fate.
He asks god to choose another, since when he speaks he gets all buggered
God says, “Sure I guess you stutter, but your brother would be great.”
So upon this holy edict, they headed back to Egypt
And needed Gershom’s wee-dick when Moses wrestled god,
The Hebrews didn’t dare go, so Moses talked to Pharoah
With his eyes enraged and narrow and both his hands on Aaron’s rod;
He said, “LET MY PEOPLE GO!” But the Pharaoh just said “No”,
And fearing that might be so, tossed down the staff that god empowered,
It became a snake but those Egyptians, also had magicians,
Both of their staffs started hissin’, but quickly got devoured.
Still the pharaoh, unimpressed, left this grievance unredressed,
And as you might have guessed, the plagues are here unveiled.
The bloody waters soon arise, frogs start falling from the skies,
He sends a bunch of gnats and flies; epidemics, boils and hail
Still, the Hebrews were unpardoned, when God’s locusts ate their gardens,
Since the pharaoh’s heart was hardened, Moses needed one last card to play.
Now with the firstborns lying dead, the pharaoh finally said,
“Take your unleavened bread, and go the fuck away!”
They rejoiced with sounds like thunder, when the pharaoh knuckled under,
They grabbed a bunch of plunder and followed smoke that god provided;
But soon doubts about the route came out, unto Moses the devout would shout,
“I guess god’s no fucking eagle scout, just look where we’ve been guided!”
You see, pharaoh sent his men of war, in hopes of settling the score,
And here the Jews are on the shore, trapped and ripe for slaughter;
So Moses, feeling like a schmuck, says, “God I think you got us stuck”
It looks like they’re completely fucked, until God divides the water.
Forty years of eating manna later, Moses talks to his creator,
So he could act as God’s translator and carve commandments into stone,
And on the impatient Jews behalf, Aaron makes a golden calf,
Which they then pray to, bringing wrath, for which no mercy would be shown.
Then starting in chapter twenty four, we mostly just discuss decor,
Despite their being plenty more, important things to tackle,
Important shit just gets ignored, as we spend the last sixteen chapters bored,
Learning exactly how the Lord, wants his tabernacle.
Episode 13: Partial Transcript
by Noah Lugeons and Heath Enwright
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Hebrew delivery service, “Jew P S”. When you’ve got Hebrews that absolutely must be delivered out of bondage tonight, turn to Jew P S. Remember, not hail nor boils nor falling frogs shall stay our couriers from their appointed rounds”
Jew P S, all package, no foreskin.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday, It’s May 16th and either this show is moving to Comedy Central next week or Sylvia Brown is full of shit.
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from pollen-plagued New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
-
We’ll meet a liberal Muslim fighting for women’s rights to be publicly beaten
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Jesus backs a loser in Miami
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And Lucinda will join Heath and me to discuss the only book of the bible named after a Bob Marley album
But first, the Diatribe.
Diatribe:
There was a time in human history when religion served a purpose. It was a doctrine of culture, a subset of knowledge, an honest attempt to know what was, at the time, unknowable. The earliest assertions of religion were based on empirical evidence and we can hardly fault early humans for not quite figuring out shit like lightning and earthquakes.
So they pointed to the nearest place they couldn’t reach and said god was there, tossing down thunderbolts and shaking the ground. He was just up on that mountain there, you know, the one we can’t reach the top of? Yeah, that one. He’s up there making all this shit happen so now we understand it and we can control it. If the earth shakes, we offer some goat’s bladders or something and it’ll stop shaking.
And as misguided as it was, it wasn’t malicious. It was a synthesis of the best available information. The problem, of course, is that there wasn’t really any god up there so we had to rely on people to tell us what god was so pissed off about. And once you become the conduit of god, it’s gotta be damn tempting to decide god’s pissed off about how many virgins you’re not boning, or how many feasts you’re not eating. At the very least god probably wants you to spend the day in quiet contemplation while all the other saps plow the fields.
So at some point between the question and the answer, religion became something else entirely. It abandoned its desire to find truth in favor of a new desire to dictate truth. After all, the idea that god wants you to have more money and nicer clothes might not stand up to objective scrutiny so fuck objective scrutiny.
So when we got to the top of the mountain religion just pushed god further back. Turns out he was on the clouds, see… the really, really high up ones. But don’t worry, we might have been wrong about where god was but we were definitely right about him wanting us to bone more virgins and eat more food. What’s that you say? You build an airplane and checked on the clouds and he wasn’t there? Did I say clouds? I meant… what’s that stuff above clouds? Space! That’s what I meant. God was in space this whole time. What? Checked there too, did you? Well, when I say space, of course, what I mean is “alternate dimension that you can never get to no matter where you look” so quit asking so many questions and trust me on the nicer clothes and more food stuff.
Because when your power comes from your ability to dictate the truth, the real, actual, “doesn’t-give-a-shit-what-you-say” truth necessarily becomes your enemy. You have to be an impediment to discovery, a nemesis of knowledge. You have to literally set yourself in opposition to reality. To reality!
So sure, it’s fine to map the heavens as long as you didn’t notice a major hole in church doctrine while you were doing it. It’s fine to examine all god’s creatures as long as you didn’t figure out how they got there. It was fine to study every word of the bible as long as you didn’t notice the ones that contradicted each other.
There is a large swath of history where I’m perfectly willing to forgive religion for existing. Hell, even the first few centuries of the scientific revolution could have left an educated person in doubt. But nobody who is alive today was alive when anybody was alive who was alive when religion could justify its own existence. Today it’s degenerated into nothing but a disease; a cancer that exists only to perpetuate itself. A tumor that doesn’t know when to die.
And to turn a blind-eye to it and say, “well that’s just what those people believe and that’s perfectly alright” is to intellectually subsidize the equivalent of the DoDo preservation society. They’ve had enough time to find a reason to exist. We’ve given religion at least eight centuries to find something useful to do, but they haven’t. Instead, they’ve become a stumbling block on the path toward knowledge. In a lot of ways they didn’t have a choice, but that doesn’t make the sin any more forgivable. Faith is the exact opposite of science and they peddle it as a virtue.
Religion has nothing to offer the world but more religion. Give it another thousand years or another thousand centuries and it’ll still have nothing more to offer. But imagine what science could do with that time… especially if there was no religion there to stand in the way.
Headlines:
Joining me tonight for headlines it my color commentator, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to comment on colors?
I don’t care for whites. It’s getting embarrassing for us.
Well done, sir. And now on to the news. Our lead story tonight takes us to a state known for comedically sized hats, giant hunks of dead cow and long stretches of highway with nowhere to take a shit, Texas, where a state judge recently declared the establishment clause optional.
Yeah they like to conveniently forget about the 1st Amendment, but the entire state can recite the 2nd one word for word. I picture an entire state populated by the bad guys from “A Time To Kill”.
Fairly accurate from my experiences with the state. Tonight’s story begins about 250 miles east of the part of Texas that doesn’t suck in a small town called Kountze where the high school cheerleaders are fond of holding up banners with wholesome messages like “But thanks be to God, which gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ”, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” and, “Fuck atheists, people of non-Christian faiths and proper grammar”.
“And fuck you for already having come up with several Cunts jokes.”
Cunts is a small enclave, laying between Woodville and Lumberton, on Highway 69!!!.
I’m not even slightly fucking with you. All those things are actually true.
It’s also adjacent to the “Big Thicket National Preserve” and it’s due south of “Beaver’s Bend National Park”. Nice when geography just writes the jokes for you isn’t it?
The shape of the town on google maps even vaguely resembles a vagina with an oversized clit pointing up Highway 69 toward Woodville.
Priceless.
And with a tip of the cap to Kevin Smith, I’ll mention that an oversized clit is a lot like a small dick, and we can check off dick joke and vagina joke on story 1.
And a Kevin Smith reference so you’ve damn near hit for the cycle in the first inning. So anyway, back to the story here, the Freedom From Religion Foundation politely pointed out that their football team isn’t allowed to directly endorse a particular religion, but a state judge disagreed, citing his eventual need to get re-elected. The FFRF convincingly argues that this is tantamount to declaring an official school-religion. Obviously we’ll have more on this as it develops.
Kountze needs to be told what to do.
I’m sure they would agree.
Texas Cheerleaders allowed to raise Biblical banner: http://ffrf.org/news/news-releases/item/17683-official-school-religion-ok%E2%80%99d-by-texas-court
Our next story takes us to the number one state in: agricultural non-point source nutrient reduction, per capita tornado deaths and prescription drug abuse, Oklahoma, a state which, despite having Seth Andrews in it most of the time, sucks.
If you take your state name, and add an exclamation, and you get the title of an old-timey musical, it doesn’t bode well for progressive politics in the region.
As evidence of that assertion, I offer one Muldrow high school, where a freethinking student recently complained about ten commandment plaques that hung in every fucking classroom. The school was told to take them down and in a show of just how vapid the Christian comprehension of the whole minority consideration concept is, the students started a petition to revoke separation of church and state.
Can’t we just compromise and have a wall with plaques from all different religions . . .
So that atheist kids can vandalize the wall, and everyone can get all symbolically incredulous.
Yeah, well this just proves once again that Christianity can’t stand on it’s own in a free market of ideas. Christians have responded with threats against the complaining student and his family, some online bullying and a jackass pastor offering students free “ten commandments” T-shirts to remind kids that plaques or no, non-Christians are still a hated minority round these a’ here parts..
Isn’t there something about thou shalt not steal tax revenue for fictional purposes?
Student faces backlash after alerting FFRF to 10 Commandments displays in classrooms: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/05/12/oklahoma-high-school-student-seeks-removal-of-ten-commandment-displays/
And from the “Bet-You-Can’t-Collect-Em-All” file, Pope Frankie-Panky canonized over 800 saints all at once last weekend. It’s not clear if this is related to poor dashboard-sales projections for the 2nd quarter, but I like his focus on productivity.
In a move that can have no outcome at all but to piss off Muslims, the Pope went ahead with Ex-Benedict’s plan to Canonize the 813 “Martyrs of Otranto” who were beheaded by Ottoman soldiers for refusing to convert to Islam.
This would be 813 good candidates for the Darwin Awards. Choosing to die in the name of Catholic god – instead of pretending you like Allah – is borderline window-licker. Why does an omnipotent god need people to die for him? Either Catholic god is real and the martyrs don’t matter, or Allah is real and the martyrs don’t matter, or neither is real and the martyrs REALLY don’t matter.
And you know what else doesn’t matter? Being a saint. Sure, back in the 15th century it was a pretty exclusive club, but now they’re letting everybody in. Aren’t you supposed to have 2 miracles before you can be a saint? Even if we accept that getting a Pope who’s trying to patch things up with the Muslims to canonize you when all you ever really did was say “Fuck Muslims” back in the 1400s counts as one miracle, what’s the other one?
People caring 600 years later.
Pope names 800 new saints: http://news.yahoo.com/pope-francis-names-800-saints-one-235904106.html
And in “Fuck-The-Children” news, two elementary schools in Lake City, Arkansas cancelled sixth grade graduation ceremonies because a bunch of atheists wouldn’t let them include prayers. Rather than adjusting the ceremony to Constitutional standards, the school district elected to rob their student body of the coming-of-age milestone that is a 6th grade graduation.
“Sorry kids, the uppity negro that runs the federal government stopped letting our backwards town embezzle tax revenue for the tooth fairy, so you’ll all have to get your meaningless ceremony fix at church on Sunday like usual.”
Yeah, because for the record, I’d be fine with this if they’d just cancelled it because a 6th grade graduation is stupid.
School in Arkansas cancels graduation because atheists won’t let them pray: http://www.takepart.com/article/2013/05/09/arkansas-school-prayer-wrecked-graduation
In other news tonight, we hear from the all-too-often silent progressive wing of Islam. Controversial cleric Shaikh Isam Talimah says that stoning women for adultery is a practice that Muslims should abandon… in favor of whipping them.
I think it’s a personal preference thing. The stoning is more murdery, whereas the whipping is more rapey. So you’ve gotta decide what kind of Muslim husband you want to be.
That’s right, Talimah isn’t arguing with the idea of physically abusing women publicly for consensual sex, he’s arguing with the method of physically abusing women publicly for consensual sex.
This is going to hurt the image of Islam as a peaceful religion, as it so clearly states in their subway literature.
Controversial Cleric claims that women should not be stoned… should be lashed: http://gulfnews.com/news/gulf/qatar/stoning-is-not-shariah-says-qatar-scholar-1.1178703
And finally tonight, from the “Tell-Me-This-Is-Real,-Tell-Me-This-Is-Real,-Holy-Shit-It’s-Real” department, North Miami Mayoral candidate Anna L. Pierre recently put out a campaign flyer claiming an endorsement from none other than Jesus Christ.
And I can’t emphasize enough that this is a real thing that actually happened, despite the fact that this woman’s name is “Anal Peer”, which is exactly the kind of name we’d have given her if we were making this shit up.
How much clergy dick do you suppose she sucked to get JC Bump in an election?
And I should point out that that joke isn’t sexist. Heath would have made the same joke if she were a dude.
In unrelated news, from now on, the Marlins and the Dolphins, will both be known as the Jesus Fish.
Well, not so fast because of the 8 candidates on the ballot, Pierre somehow managed to finish 8th despite the fact that in addition to Christ, the Savior, she also boasted endorsements from the “Bladder Health and Reconstructive Urology Institute” and “Sunset Ranches” over on Palmetto Expressway just past Popeye’s. Some, including herself, blame her poor election day results on evil voodoo spells being used against her. And again, this is all actually happening in the real universe that you and I live in.
Next week on Awful TV Show, God’s savior son and a dick doctor team up in support of a former Haitian pop star overcoming voodoo spells to contend in her mayoral race.
Sounds better than the “Teeny-Bopper Vampire” crap my wife watches…
North Miami Mayoral Candidate claims endorsement from Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/05/13/north-miami-mayoral-candidate-says-she-is-endorsed-by-jesus-christ/
Well, that does it for headlines tonight. When we return, my aforementioned wife will join us to discuss a book that sucked even more than Twilight.
Poem:
Exodus in Two Minutes
by Noah Lugeons
The lord said unto Moses, “An Egyptian’s what you pose as,
But just look at all their noses, and you’ll see that you’re a Jew.”
Unto the Lord then replied Moses, “So what do you suppose is,
gonna happen when they know this? Just what am I to do?”
So he wandered as he pondered, of the Hebrews he grew fonder
So when he saw one get dishonored he attacked the perpetrator.
The dude was dead so Moses fled but in his head what Yahweh said
Still gave him dread as off he sped, telling Egypt “See you later.”
So when he finished with his fleein’ he wound up in Midian,
And he found a priest agreein’ to give up his daughter’s hand.
But the crazy shit he started seein’ left him guaranteein’
That his purpose would be freein’ all the Hebrews in the land.
See, he was tending Jethro’s flocks, when on some holy ground he walks,
He finds a burning bush that talks, and it tells him of his fate.
He asks god to choose another, since when he speaks he gets all buggered
God says, “Sure I guess you stutter, but your brother would be great.”
So upon this holy edict, they headed back to Egypt
And needed Gershom’s wee-dick when Moses wrestled god,
The Hebrews didn’t dare go, so Moses talked to Pharoah
With his eyes enraged and narrow and both his hands on Aaron’s rod;
He said, “LET MY PEOPLE GO!” But the Pharaoh just said “No”,
And fearing that might be so, tossed down the staff that god empowered,
It became a snake but those Egyptians, also had magicians,
Both of their staffs started hissin’, but quickly got devoured.
Still the pharaoh, unimpressed, left this grievance unredressed,
And as you might have guessed, the plagues are here unveiled.
The bloody waters soon arise, frogs start falling from the skies,
He sends a bunch of gnats and flies; epidemics, boils and hail
Still, the Hebrews were unpardoned, when God’s locusts ate their gardens,
Since the pharaoh’s heart was hardened, Moses needed one last card to play.
Now with the firstborns lying dead, the pharaoh finally said,
“Take your unleavened bread, and go the fuck away!”
They rejoiced with sounds like thunder, when the pharaoh knuckled under,
They grabbed a bunch of plunder and followed smoke that god provided;
But soon doubts about the route came out, unto Moses the devout would shout,
“I guess god’s no fucking eagle scout, just look where we’ve been guided!”
You see, pharaoh sent his men of war, in hopes of settling the score,
And here the Jews are on the shore, trapped and ripe for slaughter;
So Moses, feeling like a schmuck, says, “God I think you got us stuck”
It looks like they’re completely fucked, until God divides the water.
Forty years of eating manna later, Moses talks to his creator,
So he could act as God’s translator and carve commandments into stone,
And on the impatient Jews behalf, Aaron makes a golden calf,
Which they then pray to, bringing wrath, for which no mercy would be shown.
Then starting in chapter twenty four, we mostly just discuss decor,
Despite their being plenty more, important things to tackle,
Important shit just gets ignored, as we spend the last sixteen chapters bored,
Learning exactly how the Lord, wants his tabernacle.
Outro:
Before we close out the show tonight, I want to remind everyone that Heath and I are pretty good at this speaking shit so if you’re involved with an atheist or secular group in the vaguely New-Englandish area and you’d like us to address your group with our off-color wit and topical critiques, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact page of our website.
And before we cue the music, we have to spend a minute recognizing the generosity, ethical fortitude and enormous penises of this week’s best people; Matthew, Richard and Mr. Blue who proved their bravery this week by giving us money. Only the most intelligent and righteous people give us money and I hope that Matthew, Richard and Reservoir Dogs Deleted Character Mr. Blue fully appreciate that even if they should together cure cancer one day, their support for this program will still probably rank as the most benevolent action of their lives.
If you, too, would like to guarantee yourself a front row seat in atheist heaven, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
That’s does it for tonight’s show but if you want more, there’s more. You’ll find occasional nuggets of Scatheism on our blog, our YouTube Channel, our Facebook page and our Twitter Feed. You’ll also find more than 11 and a half episodes in our archives, which you should really listen to on Stitcher because we’re on Stitcher and Stitcher likes it when I tell you to listen on Stitcher.
And if you enjoy the show, please help us out by leaving us a good review on iTunes and be sure to tell everyone at church about us. And before we run out of time, a big thanks to Heath and Lucinda for joining me tonight, Justin Schieber for providing tonight’s Farnsworth quote and, of course, Matthew, Richard and especially Mr. Blue, who is addition to donating this week, also sent along some headlines for us and the great chemo bit I used after the diatribe.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the “Contact” page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Live Blogging the Bible: Exodus 25-31
by Noah Lugeons
Well, I just finished the “interior decorating” portion of Exodus. For those who haven’t read the book (and how I increasingly envy them), this is the part where Moses goes up on Mt. Sinai to receive the word of god. He’s up there for forty days and forty nights and honestly, it seems like god ran out of shit to talk about after day three.
The chapters immediately before 25 detail the closest thing to morality that the book has to offer yet. This part includes the nine commandments and the numerous supplementary commandments like “Thou shalt not boil a kid in its mother’s milk” and “Thou shall not offer the blood of my sacrifice with anything leavened” and as haphazard as this list is, many of the particulars deal with real world situations (mostly ox related).
But then God, supremely inefficient time manager that he is, decides that he’s pretty much taken care of all of human interaction with a few ox rules and a dictate to kill witches. So he spends the rest of his time on “Project Runway: Tabernacle Edition” and we spend 7 FUCKING CHAPTERS getting the low-down on exactly how he wants his tabernacle built… and his ark built… and his curtains… and his altar… and his separate little “incense altar”… and the clothes for his priests… and, I shit you not, the wash basin that the priests will use that will sit outside the tent.
For seven full chapters, we’re treated to details like (ex 27:16 & 27:17):
For the gate of the court there shall be a screen twenty cubits long, of blue, purple and crimson yarns, and of fine twisted linen, embroidered with needlework; it shall have four pillars and with them four bases. All the pillars around the court shall be banded with silver, their hooks shall be of silver, and their bases of bronze”
So apparently when Christians call the bible a “book of answers”, they assume one of your questions was “yes, but if I’m making an ark for god tablets, what kind of wood should I use for the poles to carry it?”
Episode 12: Partial Transcript
by Noah Lugeons & Heath Enwright
(Note: Transcript may contain portions that were edited for time reasons)
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And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday, It’s May 9th and somebody needs to tell people in Kentucky to stop wearing “I ‘heart’ KY” shirts
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from voluptuous New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
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Christians will get upset about imaginary threats to their imaginary friend,
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We’ll learn that in Turkey, you’re autistic,
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And Darrel Ray will rejoin us to talk about pee-pees and coochies,
But first, the Diatribe.
Diatribe:
I started my post-secondary education at a small state college in rural Georgia. And while you may not know me that well, even if this is your first time listening to the show you’ve probably already figured out that I’m not exactly right for a small state college in rural Georgia. Let’s just say that my theological opinions ran counter to the prevailing ones.
You may have also picked up on the fact that I really don’t give two shits who I offend.
As you can imagine, this made for a combustible mix that didn’t take long to ignite.
I all but insured it with what I thought a harmless and excessively hilarious gag. My dorm number was 174, but with a piece of posterboard and a sharpie, I cleverly changed it to 666. Now, rural Georgia or no, I didn’t think this would actually piss anyone off. Sure, they’re all Christian there, but this was college. We were all a bunch of seditious rebels telling the status quo to go fuck itself, right?
Well, as it turns out, not so much. Later that day I came back to a 174 where I’d left a 666 and below it there was a handwritten note. I don’t recall every word of it, but I remember the opening line exactly:
“All the rest of us on this hall are Christian.”
The righteous vandal went on to explain that they didn’t want to see none of my satanic crap any-no-how and if I didn’t love Jesus I didn’t belong in that dorm hall, I didn’t belong in that college, I didn’t belong in that state and, come down to it, I didn’t belong in this country. I was not welcome.
And, of course, I left a response. Again, I don’t recall it verbatim, but it was a variation on the following:
“How feeble is your conviction if the very fact that someone doesn’t agree with you threatens it?”
I probably used a lot more words than that and I probably ensured that a few of them would force his ass to the dictionary, but that was the core of my rebuttal. It’s been twenty years and I’m starting to think he’s not going to respond at all.
But that continues to be my strongest issue with religion as a whole. If your idea has merit, it doesn’t need you there to defend it. You can simply place it in the public arena and it can fend for itself. Hell, how impressive would an omnipotent god be if he needed you to fight his battles for him?
If you want to see the deafening echo of this threat-response, just express your atheism on any social media venue and watch the wagons circle. They’ll attack your intellect, your motivations, your morals, your conviction and occasionally your penis size (regardless of your gender). They’ll gather together like white blood cells to defend their precious idea.
But meritorious ideas don’t need white blood cells. If your ideas need to be reinforced once a week, they’re bullshit. If you need to read the same book over and over again and hang out with people pre-screened to agree with you, you’re giving the bullshit armor. If your ideas need to be propagated by an organized group that exists only to propagate your ideas they are bullshit. And finally, if you’re threatened by people thinking you’re full of shit, it can only be because you’re full of shit.
Nobody ever had to show up at my door on a Saturday morning to convince me that A is equal to C if both are equal to B. Nobody ever had to sneak a pamphlet into my Halloween candy to convince me that elephants are bigger than gerbils. Nobody ever woke up early and dressed their kids up so that they could go somewhere and sing songs about cesium atoms having 55 protons.
Nobody ever passionately held a belief because it was true. If it’s true, you don’t need passion. Logic is more than enough of a scaffolding to hold up a genuine fact. You only passion if logic isn’t enough.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is the Pythias to my Damon, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to… be pithy, I guess?
Like Tina Fey if she were a dude?
She’s not a dude? I feel so much less gay now…
In our lead story tonight, Christians across the internet are screaming themselves hoarse over an almost completely bullshit story about the Pentagon court-martialing people for being Christian.
Christianity pays for an entire staff of dudes who speak loudly about bullshit stories every week. As a group, not exactly the pantheon of epistemological rigor.
The tiny nugget of truth buried among this citadel of bullshit involves an April 23rd meeting between Mikey Weinstein, the head of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation and a group of pentagon officials including several generals and a chaplain. And the very fact that the pentagon had the audacity to sit down with a person bearing legitimate complaints about clear violations of military prohibitions against religious proselytization was more than Christians could bear.
If they’re not careful, all this logic is gonna snowball out of control.
Don’t worry, the paragons of journalistic integrity at Fox News were quick to put the brakes on it. They noticed an article about this meeting and asked the pentagon if there were any plans to court-martial chaplains who proselytize. The pentagon said no, but that wouldn’t piss of their viewers so they pretended the answer was yes. And before long bloggers were leading off with headlines like “Pentagon Confirms They May Court-Martial Soldiers Who Hold Christian Faith”.
Yeah, court martialing 90% of the armed forces. That shouldn’t fuck up military readiness, should it? I mean, who’s gonna remotely fly all these drones?
They manage to inflate a low-level meeting to Weinstein now chairing a panel to reform court-martial procedures, they conclude that this will mean the end of military chaplains and that Obama’s Defense Department was (quote) “promising to bring criminal charges against any military personnel who express or share their faith.”
I’m beginning to think Obama made up all that stuff about being Christian and white, just to get elected.
So yeah, scant amount of dubious evidence, passionately held conclusion despite overwhelming data to the contrary. Been there, done that.
Pentagon warns Christian soldiers that proselytization will be met with court martial: http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2013/may/06/blog-posting/bloggers-say-pentagon-may-court-martial-christian-/ & http://nation.foxnews.com/religion/2013/05/03/rear-admiral-says-faith-under-attack-military & http://www.christiannewswire.com/news/2569472030.html
And in other Christians-Being-Furious-Over-Shit-That-Didn’t-Actually-Happen News, a high-school track team in Texas was disqualified from a 4 by 100 meter relay last weekend when a runner made a religious gesture at the end of the race.
Jews are gonna get offended by swastikas . . . Muslims are gonna get offended by Danish cartoons . . . As an atheist, I’m supremely offended by any trinity-related gesture. Don’t we get to pick an N-word too? We’ve got unholy cows.
That sounds fair to me, but it really wouldn’t matter in this case because they weren’t actually disqualified because of a religious gesture, but rather because the judges deemed it “excessive celebration” and backed it up with clearly stated rules that specifically forbade “raising the hands or arms in celebration” after winning because, you know, it’s un-Jesus-y.
Do we really need to sit Christianity down for a quick seminar on what subset means? Did religion really manage to brainwash away the Venn diagram concept? That’s like a free built-in piece of brain functionality they’re throwing away. And don’t they believe that somebody REALLY IMPORTANT designed all the brains?
Well, I don’t know… if god made man in his own image then most of god is an idiot. But this is how desperate Christians are to maintain their “help, help, I’m being oppressed” narrative.
Supreme omnipotent power is a mandate from the masses.
Excellent supplementary reference. So here we’ve got a high school kid who gets disqualified from a track meet and it’s being reported on national news. Nevermind that he was DQed for “excessive celebration and acting disrespectfully toward officials” and admits himself that there was no oppression of his faith here.
We can’t keep having laws that say “No doing stupid shit, unless you REALLY believe in it, and have a group of people with similar hats.”
Track Team disqualified for making “Religious Gesture” (Officially for “excessive celebration”): http://www.christianpost.com/news/was-relay-team-disqualified-from-state-championships-for-religious-gesture-95251/
Our next story takes us to New York Cities parking lot, New Jersey, where three members of the Trenton Diocese have resigned amid allegations that they knowingly allowed a child-molester to accompany them on overnight youth retreats.
Father Michael Fugee was convicted of fondling a teenage boy in 2003, but the conviction was overturned on appeal despite the fact that he had previously confessed to investigators. Rather than retry the case, the prosecutors struck a deal with the archdiocese of Newark that would allow Fugee to remain with the ministry provided that he didn’t work with children.
I’m worried we won’t get in a dick joke if we don’t take the opportunity here.
This show does have a two dick-joke minimum…
So what do you suppose they had in their video library there? Movies like A Few Good Boys
The Priests of the Southern Child?
Altar Boys on the Side
Rosemary’s Adolescent
The Best Little Rectory in Texas
Super 8… Year Olds
Defrock of Ages (8-12)
And for the Jewish clients maybe Who Fucked Roger’s Rabbi?
It’s worth noting that in 2009 the archdiocese assigned him to the Saint Michael’s Medical Center in Newark and eventually removed him amidst scandal when this unsettling history came to light, so basically they’ve been moving this child-molester from place to place and waiting for somebody to say, “Hey, isn’t that dude a child-molester?” and then moving him somewhere else.
Wonderful . . . they figured out bit torrent for pedophiles.
3 resign from NJ church in pedophile priest scandal: http://news.yahoo.com/3-resign-nj-church-priest-scandal-161033762.html
And in our next story, a Turkish taint-stain has proven that when it comes to autism, one can actually have one’s head further up one’s ass than the anti-vaxers. Fehmi Kaya, the head of the Health and Education Associations for Autistic Children in Adana, Turkey said in a recent interview that atheism is (quote) “a different form of autism”.
If you’re gonna compare atheism to a mental disorder, autism is possibly the most flattering choice. Rain Man was an awesome dude. Sometimes autism comes with some super powers.
On the other hand, theism as a mental disorder, would be something more like addiction to delusional psychosis with an extra chromosome on top.
Arguing that autism is the result of a lack of development in the “faith” center of the brain, he explains that this is why autistic children lack empathy with others, just like we atheists.
Kind of like the way Martin Luther King had an underdeveloped bigotry center of his brain.
Turkish Head of Education Dept. says Atheism is a Form of Autism: http://www.examiner.com/article/all-autistic-kids-are-atheists-and-atheism-is-a-form-of-autism & http://www.timeturk.com/en/2013/04/22/all-autistic-kids-are-atheists.html
And finally tonight, from the “If-God-Existed-He-Wouldn’t-Make-It-So-Easy-On-Me” News, the priest who was in charge of the treatment center where they sent priests accused of inappropriate sexual conduct has resigned amid allegations of inappropriate sexual conduct.
You’ve gotta be a little suspicious of these corporate climber types. “So I hear you need somebody to head up the new Rape Department. Look no further. I’m your guy. I know rape backwards and forwards. I know it inside out… coming and going. I know it like the back of my fist.
What would that resume look like?
Now, in defense of Monsignor Edward J. Arsenault, former president and CEO of the Saint Luke Institute he was accused of more than just sexual impropriety. He’s also being investigated for some shady financial practices so he’s really proving himself Catholic to the core.
Throw in some Nazi affiliation and you’ve got the holy trinity.
And, of course, to a Monsignor the term “inappropriate sexual conduct” is redundant. So this could be an inappropriate, consensual relationship with his hand for all they care. If he’s coming, it’s inappropriate.
What if God blows you in a dream? . . . An Immaculate Erection scenario . . .
Or Ejaculate Conception…
Would that count as honorable discharge?
Priest who heads top clergy treatment center resigns amid allegations of impropriety: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/05/06/priest-who-heads-top-clergy-treatment-center-accused-of-impropriety/
Well, unfortunately we’ll have to leave you on that puzzler, as that’s all the time we’ve got for headlines tonight. Heath, thanks once again for joining me tonight.
And when we return, you’ll witness the second coming of Darrel Ray.
Calendar:
It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. Back and well rested from a hiatus on last week’s episode, this is the part of the show we set aside to keep everyone up to speed on all the great atheist and secular events happening around country and around the world.
We’ve already talked them up a couple of times on the show, but a quick reminder that the weekend of May 17th has two big events; Imagine No Religion 3 in Kamloops, BC and the Women in Secularism Conference in Washington DC. Details on the lineups are linked on the website.
Imagine No Religion 3: http://inr3.eventbrite.ca/
Women in Secularism Conference: http://www.womeninsecularism.org/
At the end of the month we’ve got the American Humanist Association Annual Conference in beautiful San Diego, California. They’ll be honoring some of the very best in the Secular Humanist movement including 2013’s Humanist of the Year, Dan Savage. Other honorees include Greta Christina, Katha Pollitt (I hope I’m pronouncing her name right…), Carl Coon and Richard Leakey. Oh, and did I mention Richard Dawkins was gonna be there? So yeah, if you’re in the same hemisphere as this thing (and by that, I mean Western or Northern), you should really try to make it.
American Humanist Association’s Annual Meeting: http://conference.americanhumanist.org/
The following weekend they’ll be doing something pretty similar on the other side of the Atlantic. The British Humanist Association Annual Conference will be taking place in Leeds over the weekend of June 7th. They’ll be honoring Terry Pratchett with the 2013 Award for Services to Humanism. They’ve already got a pretty impressive list of confirmed speakers and they’re promising more to come.
British Humanist Association’s Annual Meeting: http://bhaconference.org.uk/
You’ll find more information, including links to the homepages for all these events under the “Show Notes” for this episode. Remember, if you’re involved with an atheist, humanist, skeptical or secular event that could use a little free publicity, let me know. I’d be happy to plug your event to thousands of people who probably live nowhere near it, many of whom will hear it in archives long after it’s over. You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Outro:
Before we wrap things up for the night I wanted to make a quick correction about last week’s episode. But unfortunately it looks like we didn’t fuck anything up last week so I won’t get to. I promise to try less hard next time.
Normally I close the show out by thanking all the people who help make it go. I usually thank all the people who send encouraging emails, follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, subscribe to us on YouTube, rate us on iTunes and tell their friends about us. Then I’ll thank people like Heath Enwright and Darrel Ray who joined me on the show and I’ll usually thank people like Bill and Suzy from the “Bar Room Atheist” podcast for providing the Farnsworth quote this week and for putting together a really fun and relaxed podcast which you’ll find linked on our shownotes.
Bar Room Atheists on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/bar-room-atheist
And I usually thank everybody who could have spent the last 30 minutes listening to any number of awesome things and chose to listen to this show instead. And above all, I usually thank the world’s most astute, intelligent and discerning people, the one’s who donate money to our show. People like Justin, this week’s most valuable human.
But I’m not going to do that tonight. It’s not that all those aforementioned people don’t deserve thanks; they do, especially Justin because he gave us money, but I’ve got a really important thanks this week and I’m afraid it would have overshadow all those other ones. I want to thank one of the most dedicated, influential and admirable people in the modern secular movement. Eugenie Scott, long time director of the National Center for Science Education and valiant warrior against creationism and science denialism recently announced her retirement.
So I want to say to Eugenie Scott that we in the secular community cannot thank you enough for all the hard work you’ve done in defense of science and rationality. After a long and successful career taking on all comers, you’ve earned the right to retire in peace, knowing that you’ve made a substantive difference and that you’ve inspired an army of freethinkers to follow in your footsteps even if none of them will ever quite fill your shoes. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
That does it for tonight, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with the “Out of Egypt” Edition where Lucinda and Heath will join me to pour over 40 more chapters of immoral bullshit in the “Holy Babble”. But if you can’t wait that long for more us, fear not. Even in two parts I didn’t have quite enough room for all the good stuff from that Darrel Ray interview so I added a quick bonus question and answer to the “Extras” page on the website. While you’re there, be sure to check out our erratically published blog and if you want to help me buy a new alternator and a car to put it in, click on the donate button on the right side of the page.
If you have comments, questions or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the “contact” page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
The Scathing Atheist 
Live Blogging the Bible: Deuteronomy 12:31
by Noah Lugeons
God loves a good genocide.
I can’t help but feel like they’re going out of their way to make this god character an asshole so that it’ll be more cathartic when he’s redeemed, but I’ve gotta be honest, even with 61 books to do it, I’m not sure if there’s any way they can make me like this guy.
So in chapter 12 god reminds us why we can’t realistically entertain the “moral guide” notion of the bible by spelling out all the good reasons to thoroughly destroy every member and memory of the cities they’re all about to ravage. This is late in the chapter after a thrilling and detailed reminiscence about proper meat-eating etiquette.
God’s explaining why you shouldn’t worship any other gods or even know about how other people worship, which he reminds us of no fewer than infinity times in the book of Deuteronomy. And in an apparent effort to soften the blow of killing women and children, livestock and slaves, then burning homes, buildings, temples, possessions, clothes and any remnant of a civilization to the ground, Moses takes a minute to remind us just how horrible these societies are:
My first thought was of Abraham taking ol’ Isaac for a midnight stroll so the actual depth of the irony of this passage took me a second to process. God’s in the middle of telling them to kill all of these heathens, even the children. Their god is telling them that they have to burn their enemy’s children because their enemies would burn their children for their god.
But it’s totally still divinely inspired, though…