Posts Tagged ‘antitheist’

Episode 103 – Show Notes

February 5, 2015 Leave a comment

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Guest Links:

The ORLY Radio Podcast:

Headline Links:

Diatribe story and study: and

Ken Ham pissed that Superbowl ad references evolution:

Bryan Fischer kind of fired, but not really:

Chris Christie calls for “balanced” approach to childhood vaccination: <<AND>>

Southern Baptist convention takes “nigga” pastor to task for theological minutia… ignores him saying “nigga”

Pastor Manning ups the ante of fucking nuts:

200 Year old mummy only “mostly dead” according to idiots:

Employee wins lawsuit after refusing to use hand scanner because the devil:

Community residents complain about atheist billboard; billboard taken down:

Mitt Romney cheats us out of a year and a half of easy Mormon jokes:

This Week in Misogyny:

Iranian atheletes warned not to take selfies with women:

Saudi Arabia proposes separate Olympics for men and women:

Muslim women in LA start a ladies mosque:

Episode 102 – Shownotes

January 29, 2015 2 comments

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Guest Links:

Click Here to check out Dogma Debate Radio with David Smalley

Click Here to learn more about Secular Media Group


Headline Links:

Christian files discrimination charges against bakery for refusing to write “God hates Gays” on cake for him:

FOX is too anti-Christian now:

GOP lawmakers don’t want gays or atheists getting married:

1 in 4 Americans: God will decide the Superbowl:

Pope: “Stop fuckin’ so much!”

Aborted fetuses go to hell:

Atlanta fire chief fired for distributing anti-gay literature files religious discrimination suit:

The Donald to build a fence:

Sally Kern: “Religious freedom or not, we have to hate gays somehow.”


This Week in Misogyny:

Abortion bill scrapped, Gohmert blames woman-think:

Mike Huckabee calls women who swear “trashy”

Christian blogger swears off leggings to honor god:


Feedback Story:

Saudis pissed at Obama for not covering up his wife’s head:



Episode 101 Show Notes

January 22, 2015 1 comment

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Guest Links:

QED takes place in Manchester, England, April 24th through the 26th.  For more information, Click Here.

To listen to Andy’s hilarious InKredulous Podcast, Click Here.

To find out more about the Merseyside Skeptics, Click Here.

To hear Noah on Stocks and Jocks radio, Click Here.

Headline Links:

“The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven” kid admits he made that shit up:

Some asshole: “National Guard to block the gay weddings”

Inmate busted for heroin laced bible:

SCOTUS to consider banning bigoted bans:

Glenn Beck on keeping special privileges:

Yet another “I wasn’t allowed to read my bible” story turns out to be bullshit:

Ben Carson is the worst black guy ever:

Mississippi bill would make the bible the official state book:

Pope says it was both of their faults: Don’t murder cartoonists and don’t make mean pictures:


This Week in Misogyny:

GOP Congresswomen withdraw their names from proposed abortion ban:

Christian men apologizing for women having abortions:

10 Women Christian men should avoid:


Feedback Link:

Florida Sheriff displays “In Dog We Trust” rug:

Note: We’ll have the pics from last week’s top ten up later today.  Thanks for your patience.

Episode 96 Shownotes

December 19, 2014 4 comments

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Click Here to check out Bar Room Atheists

Click Here to check out Noah on the Imaginary Friends Show



GOP Governor forces schools to partner with churches to receive tax benefits:

Celibacy leads to sexual frustration?:

Mormons angry over space-mormon statue in Salt Lake City:

Daily Show runs skit making fun of FFRF over prayer discount action:

Vatican: “All dogs don’t go to heaven. Because fuck all dogs”

Rick Perry on Wealth Inequality: “The Bible says there’ll always be poor people”

Iowa man charged with selling millions of dollars of beef as Halal:

Bryan Fischer claims “God wanted the CIA to torture people.”:

Report: Discrimination against atheists is getting worse:

Ohio kid goes on Knowledge Strike in support of religion:

PA School District: “10 commandments statue isn’t religious because it has an eagle on it.”

Rick Santorum thinks he’s running for President again:


Ann Coulter “Rape victims just want attention”

Princeton Mom: Getting drunk-raped at college is a learning experience

Sexist Pope Francis Quotes:


Australian gamers urge Target to ban the Bible for misogyny and violence (in response to GTA ban)


Episode 95 Shownotes

December 11, 2014 2 comments

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Click Here to check out Adam Reakes’ Herd Mentality Podcast

Click Here for more information on the Jan. 11th Susan Jacoby talk in Red Bank, NJ



Steve Anderson (the white David Manning) calls for gay genocide to deal with AIDS problem:


Follow-Up to Steve Anderson — Lumps of coal for suggesting gay genocide:

Judge dismisses suit that alleges teaching evolution is religious promotion of atheism

Todd Starnes calls out Disney (incorrectly):

Bill Donahue: “Them Atheists Are Insane!”

Bollywood star sentenced to quarter century in prison for blasphemy

Westboro gets pranked:

Bigoted atheists like Obama and his “secular government” caused Ferguson problem:

HBO employs about 160 lawyers for doc about Scientology

Michigan passes “discriminate, but only if you’re really religious” bill:

Vatican finds shitload of money:

Ugandan Parliament speaker: “Foreigners who adopt our kids will make them gay”



Blogger says hitting your girlfriend is sign you love her:

Janay Rice: “Elevator KO was god’s plan”

The problem with rape is women talking about it:


The number you should call if you are worried about giant radioactive turkeys is definitely not (785) 273-0325.

Show Notes – Episode 90

November 6, 2014 Leave a comment

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Skepticon 7:

In the Netherlands, November 8th:

In Portugal, November 15th:

In Hungary, November 15th:

Australian Skeptics National Convention, November 28th-30th:

New Zealand Skeptics Conference, Dec 5th-7th:

November 8th is “Carl Sagan” Day


Humanism declared religion by federal court:

Follow Up: UC Berkeley does the right thing: <<AND>>

Follow up: Houston Mayor kowtows to Christian pressure over subpoenas:

Phil Robertson promises to pee standing up for anti-gay rights:

Raelians DNA test communion wafer; find no Jesus:

Michigan State hosts creationist conference: <<AND>>

Albuquerque church hands out ballot with the right names highlighted:

Jailed Pastafarian sues Nebraska DoC so he can dress like a pirate:

Americans seriously over/underestimate the number of each religion’s adherents:

Olfactory artist makes Virgin Mary ice sculpture out of vaginal sweat:


AZ School board votes to tear abortion related pages out of biology textbook:

Republican Radio Host: “War on women” is a big lie!

Alex Jones: Beware the bands of roving black people:

Episode 87 – Show Notes

October 16, 2014 3 comments

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Click Here to check out Atheists on Air

Click Here to learn more about Chris Johnson’s “A Better Life”



Pew Survey:

Story about Carrie Underwood Song:



Salman Rushdie is a badass:

Scalia: Gov’t can favor religion over non-religion:

Atheism and cancer medicine cures cancer:

Cop evangelizes during a traffic stop:

Hucakbee is an idiot again:

Spain gives police medal to statue:

Catholics use catholic-magic to overpower satan magic in Oklahoma:

Ray Comfort: Bible says Stephen Hawkings is wrong:

Catholic League warns Mindy Kaling about butt sex and binge drinking on TV:



Saudi soccer fans spot woman in stadium:

Iranian woman arrested for watching volleyball:

Malala wins Nobel Peace Prize:

Episode 71 – Partial Transcript

June 26, 2014 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out of the episode due to time constraints.

LINK TO ELENA’S FUNDRAISER discussed during the Feedback segment (for more info on the accident, click here)


LINK TO THE RELIGION RECOVERY CHARITY David discussed during the interview.



BUY THE BOOK (Paperback) (EBook)



Warning: This podcast contains things that you just can’t unhear.



Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Pastor Oil: The New Christian Emetic Laxative

Did a spiteful atheist waiter trick you into eating something that’s banned in the Bible?  Can’t decide between emergency diarrhea and emergency vomit?  We’ll give you both … Right away … Violently!!!  We’re the ‘Plan B’ of religious culinary law.

Pastor Oil: “For the last time, it’s not a lube.”

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s June 26th,

And if the USA and Germany tie … they both win … Interesting …

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “Spacious Waterfront Studio” New York, New York,

And “Van Down by the River” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll ask: “What the fuck is Baha’i?”,
  • We’ll learn yet another reason to never visit Kenya,
  • And David from My Book of Mormon joins us to assure you that the 2nd M isn’t a typo.

But first, the diatribe…



Dan Fincke came on last week and reminded me not to call religious people stupid.  And I needed to be reminded of that.  Now, on a side note, there’s a ton of shit Dan had to say that some of our listeners took objection to and hopefully we can get him back on sometime to air a few of those grievances, but that’s too big a subject for a diatribe, so I’m just gonna stick with the stupid thing for now.

Because Dan’s right; we shouldn’t call religious people stupid.  Now let me defend that.  Ultimately, I’m not convinced by the assertion that “stupid” is a bully word because I don’t give a shit.  If something’s stupid, I’m gonna call it stupid.  I was bullied out of the Santa Claus myth the same way and so far, it stuck.  I’m also not convinced by the assertion that it makes communication less effective.  Pissing people off sometimes makes your message stick a little deeper and even an effort to prove you wrong is a win in this fight.  Plus, if I was obsessed with effective means of communications, I probably wouldn’t make jokes about eating aborted fetuses.

The point he made that convinced me is the fact that it’s simply false.  Religious people aren’t stupid.  Religion is stupid.  All the little fables in the bible are stupid.  The claim that Jesus cleared you a parking space is stupid.  The claim that the earth is six thousand years old is stupid.  And I’ll call them stupid.  But the people who hold many of these beliefs don’t have to be stupid to do so.  Like Dan said, trusting your parents and the community around you is more often going to lead you to wisdom than stupidity.  You can’t blame an indoctrinated person for their indoctrination anymore than you can blame a rape victim for their rape.

So perhaps we shouldn’t call the religious people stupid.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m gonna need to be reminded a time or two before I break the habit and start showing those stupid motherfuckers the respect they deserve, but it’s something I should probably work on.

And if anybody out there is saying, “Don’t do it Noah!  Don’t turn the Scathing Atheist into some politically correct, can’t we all just get along, Kumbaya and puppy dog tails accomodationist bullshit”, don’t worry… I’m not motivated by being nice.  And I’m not even necessarily motivated by being accurate.  My motivation here is tactical.  When we call our opponents stupid, we run the risk of believing that they’re stupid.  And if we do that, we run the risk of underestimating them.

If we label them stupid, we’re playing right into their hands.  Clearly, they seem to want us to think they’re stupid.  Pretending to be stupid might be the most common debate tactic they employ.  Think about it.  Have you ever been arguing with a Christian and the reliability of “faith” comes up?  And they’ll almost always counter with something like, “Well, you have ‘faith’ in your wife, don’t you?”

Now, you’d have to be a Boo Radley level idiot not to see the difference between those two things.  My wife is a tangible, measurable phenomena whose existence I can prove to any reasonable standard.  What’s more, I don’t have ‘faith’ in my wife, I have ‘trust’ in my wife based on observable behavior.  But if she started working a lot of late shifts that required her to bring a riding crop and a ball gag, I’d start to lose my ‘faith’ damn quick.  Clearly we’re talking about different meanings of the word ‘faith’.  And obviously they know that.

If you want to see a master at the “pretending to be stupid” strategy, you need look no further than Ray Comfort.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he’s not stupid.  He very well may be, but he’s not as stupid as he pretends to be.  Watch any debate he’s ever done.  His whole schtick is pretending to not understand things no matter how simply they’re explained.  You can watch his opponent break down speciation to a level a brain damaged parakeet would comprehend and he’ll just say “pudding is my favoritest!”

And even when he’s cornered into admitting that yes, he understands why evolution doesn’t lead to croco-ducks, it doesn’t stop him from using the same stupid argument in his next debate.  If he was as stupid as he lets on he would have wiping instructions tattooed backwards across his forehead.  But it’s a damn good debate strategy; refusing to understand what your opponent is saying allows you to also refuse to understand when you’ve lost.

Hell, it’s even their legal defense.  Sometimes they’re just too stupid to know that raping kids is against the law.  We can’t afford to grant them that concession.

We’re never gonna win this fight if we don’t admit what we’re up against.  And if it was the army of drooling fuck-wits we often portray them to be, we’d already have won.  If we want to truly sway this world away from religion, we need to fully understand how smart people fall victim to their cognitive biases.  We need to explore the true root of the stupid beliefs buried in these intelligent people.  And we need to admit to the true power and nature of motivated stupidity.



Joining me for headlines tonight is a man only three miracles from sainthood, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to cure the blind?

How about the dumb?

It’s a start.

In our lead story tonight, in “Turning the other cheek toward a rapist” news – aka “mouth to ass” news … A recent investigation spoke to several former Bob Jones University students, and revealed that the school policy on counseling sexual assault victims goes something like this: “God sent you a rapist for a reason.  So you’re not getting into heaven unless you call the guy, and apologize for your role in this mess, and whatever you did wrong.  You must have done something.  Check Leviticus.  It’s almost always Leviticus.”

“…I’m also required to inform you that there’s a few shekels in it for you if you marry him.  So it’s not too late to salvage this thing.”

The abuse counseling procedures at BJU have been called into question by – among others – Katie Landry, who described reporting a rape to the dean of students, at which point he responded, (quote) “Well, there’s always a sin under other sin. There’s a root sin […] We have to find the sin in your life that caused your rape.” (end quote) … At that point, Landry realized she was alone in an office with a man that just took the rapist’s side, so she correctly ran away in terror.

“Tell me all about it… in detail… and I’ll just have my hands under the desk here in case I have to send a text or something…”

Very understandably, after being asked “Did you consider just consenting?”, and then being told to repent for being an enabler, Landry appears to have abandoned the clearly-broken Christianity platform.  She now lives in New Orleans, where she started a business that provides tours of historic madams and brothels … where you pay for sex as part of a mutually-beneficial transaction, like civilized people.

“Bob Jones University: Making prostitution look good by comparison since 1927”

Whorehouse 1, Bible 0 … But who’s keeping score?!?

Bob Jones University to Rape Victims: Repent!

Speaking of which, from the “Biblical Penetration” file, it turns out that Rickey Wagoner is such a pathetic bastard that he even gets his ass kicked in his delusions of grandeur.  You might recall a brief flurry of feel good news back in February about a Dayton, Ohio bus driver who was allegedly attacked by three scary black men whose attempts to shoot him dead were thwarted by the bible he had in his chest pocket.  And it turns out that much like the book that supposedly saved him, the event was a bunch of poorly fabricated bullshit that doesn’t stand up to even a cursory investigation.

So what actually happened? … The Bible and the gun were in his sweatpants, and he shot himself like Plaxico???

Way worse if you can believe that.  So let’s examine the holes in Wagoner’s story before we examine the holes in his body.  First of all, bible or no, there’s no way this guys moobs are penetrable to a .22 caliber bullet.  In addition, the 320 pound man wasn’t at all winded in the 911 call he made immediately after the alleged attack.  In addition, the stab wounds on his arms and legs suggested to experts that they were self-inflicted, as did the one bullet that got passed his bible.

So he’s a cutter … and a shooter?!?  Will someone please pay attention to Rickey Wagoner already!!!  This guy literally brought a gun to a knife fight, and lost … to himself … because he also brought a knife to a gun fight.  Somebody just say hi, or ask him a question about large vehicles, or obesity … anything.

But the silver lining of this story is that it provides possibly my all time favorite mental image.  After stabbing and shooting himself, this lumbering land-walrus set his bible on the street, shot it twice, bent over to pick it up, put it back in his pocket and called the cops.  Which, to his credit, is exactly what I wanted to do during Proverbs.

Ohio bus driver lies about bible stopping bullet:

And in a follow up to a story from last year … from the “Swine and Cheese” file … You may remember when we reported on an Edinburgh mosque that had to call in the HazMat Team after Scottish racist assholes Chelsea Lambie and Douglas Cruickshank – who I’ve been assured are definitely not funny – attacked the house of worship with salted pig strips.  Well their sentences were justed handed down … Lambie will go to prison for a year, and Cruickshank – who didn’t laugh at the hearing when the judge said “breakfast meat” – will only get nine months.  

I’m so torn on this one.  Because on the one hand it’s undeniably motivated by racism, but on the other hand, people were just put in jail for malicious use of bacon.  It just kind of seems like getting in trouble for groping somebody’s aura.

So they should definitely be punished, especially since it- Are we sure on that? … Kind of, yeah …  Okay, it wasn’t quite funny enough… But I’m wondering how the law will work in the future with this … If it was turkey bacon, would they have just gotten a vandalism ticket???  Can you get in trouble for brandishing a side order??? … What about bluffing?!? … “Stand back unless you want to find out what kind of fried rice this is!!!  Do I look like a shrimp guy?!?  Do you feel lucky?!?  Well, do ya, punk?!?”

Muslims just need to pick a less ubiquitous kryptonite.

Couple jailed for mosque baconing:

And in “Okay, but You Guys are still stuck with Pope Innocent the Fourth” news, Christian musician and ineffective wife killer Tim Lambesis recently admitted that he was secretly an atheist the whole time.  Having apparently recognized the inadequacies of both his faith and his musical talent simultaneously, he simply continued to head the Christian band “As I Lay Dying” whose most widely heard recording was the one where he asked an undercover FBI agent to murder his wife during a sting operation in April of last year.

Here’s the part that confuses me … How does that sting operation work? … Did they get a tip there was a lot of apostate bandleaders hiring assassins at a particular bar??? … “Psst … Buddy … Killyourwife? … Killyourwife? … No?  You?  No- I though you started to lean in- …”

Now, far be it from me not to take a convicted felon who apparently dedicated his life to deceiving people for financial gain at his word, but after admitting to a career in telling Christians whatever they want to hear, I think he went on to tell Christians whatever they want to hear.  They couldn’t get behind a story of a prominent Christian trying to hire an assassin to kill his wife, but they can gobble up the story of a Christian turning to the dark side and immediately setting about exacting murderous vengeance.  The rededication of his life to Jesus and the subsequent book deal are scheduled for release by Christmas of 2015.

Ineffective wife assassinating Christian musician admits he was “secretly an atheist”

And in “Ebonic Plague” news: Bitches be trippin’ if day fin ta brinday nassy smawl pox keeds inta skoo … (clear throat) … New York City public schools recently faced a legal challenge to their very logical public health policy that says something along the lines of: “During a disease outbreak, unvaccinated children – and rhesus monkeys with ebola – are not allowed to come in and help spread mass sickness on those days … They can however, come in the next day, if they take their autism shot.”

This is such insane horseshit.  So the parents are refusing inexpensive and potentially life-saving medicine on behalf of their children and not only does the state allow it, but they even have the foresight to protect these kids from their parents stupidity by keeping them home when people have the diseases that they’re not vaccinated against.  And the parents are suing the state!?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Shouldn’t they at least have to burn themselves with some McDonald’s coffee first?

So yeah, three anti-vax families – without the requisite crotch burns – decided to contest this policy, for violating their religious right to freely exercise socially destructive stupidity.  The case was decided last week at the Federal District Court in Brooklyn, where Judge William F. Kuntz II (the second) – despite being a douche for the Roman numerals – ruled in favor of “LESS kids with diseases”, upholding the right of schools to act rationally.  

Not only that, but he cited a 109 year old Supreme Court precedent.  So not only did he tell them no, but he also pointed out that we settled this shit in 1905.

Right – when we decided you’re not allowed to spread smallpox!!! … So the free exercise violation claim is clearly nonsense.  New York City public school attendance certainly isn’t required by any holy books.  But more practically: Don’t these kids have rickets and shit, anyway?  Are they gonna be able to get to school, even if we let them?!?  Nobody wants the rickets kid in class.  Awkward for everyone.

NYC Quran-Teenage Wasteland:

And in “Kenya believe it?” news tonight, a group of Islamic militants in Kenya gave new meaning to the term ‘Final Exam’ last week when 27 people were murdered for failing a door to door pop quiz about Islam.  Apparently several of them missed the very first question, which was ‘Are you a Muslim?’  Others were killed for lacking detailed knowledge of the Quran, and still others simply didn’t have the number two pencil.

“Excuse me, sir?  Sir?  Yes you, the only person for miles.  I see that you’re clearly busy jogging with this herd of nomadic gazelles, but if I could just have a moment of your time.  Me and these guys with AK-47s are big fans of Allah.  What about you?” … And 27 morons said they prefer Gozer the Gozerian?!?  When terrorists ask you if you like the one true god, you say yes!!!

Now, I know this kind of emphasis on book learnin’ might seem disingenuous coming from a group of people who haven’t passed a test since their moms pissed on that little stick, but one can’t help but applaud the renewed emphasis on education.  A loaded rifle in your face kicks the shit out of a gold star any day.

So the Tea Party and the homicidal militant Kenyan Muslims are on the same page: Teachers need way more guns.  

And on the other side of the aisle, liberal apologists are already hard at work explaining how Western imperialism is the true culprit here, for which the international cabal of militant muslim theocrats are genuinely appreciative.

Muslims kill dozens of Kenyans for failing a pop quiz on Islam.

And in “Makin’ it Rain Sulfur” news, the nuns of St. Charles Borromeo (in Stone Park, Illinois) have filed suit against Club Allure – a strip club that operates next door to their convent.  They argue the club ruins their ability to collect dollars, will likely incur God’s wrath, and also violates a state law against adult entertainment within 1000 feet of a church or school.

It’s like these nuns heard we needed a 30 seconds on the clock segment.  But seriously, how about “one who has an issue with the other’s existence has to move” rules?  Isn’t that fair?  It’s the difference between burning a cross and just moving closer to the golf course.

In response to the allegations, a spokesman for the club may have said (quote) “But we pay taxes … And aren’t you considered a lesbian brothel by state law? … Well regardless, you ladies are more than welcome to take a song on stage with the collection plate.” (end quote)

Whole new meaning to “selling indulgences” there… and less immoral than the old one, too.

So the sisters listed a handful of problems with Club Allure, but here’s the best one … They want the place shut down because it leads to women walking around (quote) “alone or in groups, with or without accompanying males.” (end quote) … So they’re complaining about women being in public, but only if they’re in groups of one, or many … And only if they have or don’t have male chaperones.

They also took issue with them getting beer deliveries in heavy trucks.  But it was worth reading the entire complaint just for the visual image of one of the nuns having to go out each morning to clean the used condoms off the sidewalk.

It must have been a fun scene when the nuns walked over to the strip club to lodge their complaints.  Everyone so sure they were about to get on stage.  Enormous tease!!!  But a great business idea.  So we’re suggesting the two parties bury the hatchet wound, and get together on a combo enterprise … And to help them out, let’s put 30 seconds on the clock …  “Ideas for the Strip Club Convent” … GO!!!

St. Doll’s Cunt-thedral, home of the Padre’s Cadre

“77 Nun-set Strip”

Obviously we need a ruler-based S&M club… um… “The Schoolmarm harm farm.”

“Jack-offs of All Trades, Masturbaters of Nun: Support the Habit”

…or “Kick the Habit”

Much better!!!  What about: “Hooters, Pooters, and Sunday School Tutors” ???

“Our Lady of the Hosiery?”… or if it’s a low budget place, it could be “The Yeast of Our Lady of the Hosiery.”  And that’s appropriate too, because if you think about it, a yeast infection is pretty much reverse transubstantiation.

“The Booby Trap at Single Mother Superior’s”

“Episco-pole Dancing”, where the Holy See goes to See the Holy.

“Sisterhood of the Traveling Implants”

Basilicone Implants, to be exact.

“A Sleazy Ass Tease” … Who wouldn’t wanna see a donkey (slash) nun show?!?

“The Titty Twister Sister Fister.”

“The Tits n Asherah Pole”

Nuns suing strip club:

And we’ll end on some good news for a change tonight, from the “One Dar, Two Wins” file, the UK has officially banned the teaching of creationism as science in any school that receives public funds.  Of course, for a country that until recently had Chuck D on their money, this might seem a little late in coming, but “better late than never”, as the British national motto clearly states.

They eventually disliked the Nazis.  But for the first few weeks, they were just polite hosts.  Finally, something had to be said …

The change comes as part of a newly reworded funding agreement between the British Government and schools receiving tax revenue.  And the sections about creationism are so good I wished I’d written them for a diatribe.  In a few paragraphs they completely dismantle all the major claims of creationism, label it pseudoscience and point out that even most religious people agree that it’s bullshit.

British churches should be happy.  This clear defeat is actually an honor.  Think of all the absurd accommodations they must get for this to be necessary.  We shouldn’t need a rule, that says: “Don’t blow tobacco smoke up a drowning victim’s ass with an enormous anal bellows.  Instead go straight to rescue resuscitation.”

UK bans the teaching of creationism in schools. Ken Ham loses his shit:

Well, if I could have ended the headlines on the image of a giant anal bellows and didn’t, I’d never forgive myself, so Heath, thanks as always.

Fire up the Bung Bong!!!

David from the My Book of Mormon podcast will be here in a bit to compare shitty holy books, but before we get to that, I want to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda Lugeons, for a new segment that the headlines have been begging us to add for quite a while…


This Week in Misogyny:

Bad news, ladies.  It turns out that our secret is out.  The guys are now well aware how much we love getting raped.

Now, clearly we should have seen this rape-whistle blower coming, because who knows more about the desires of college aged women than a geriatric conservative who’s been impotent since the Nagano Olympics?  That’s right, conservative columnist George Will spilled the beans on our beans in a column that claimed that being a sexual assault victim was (quote) “a coveted status on today’s college campuses”.

So if you are a victim of sexual assault, be sure to email George about where to collect your consolation prizes and your fifty shekels.  I think it’s also safe to say that George is coveting rape victimhood… and I only mention it in case the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is listening.

But one way or the other, the pussy’s out of the bag now.  Our secret love of sexual victimhood is a matter of public record.  And you can read all about it in George Will’s column… if you can find one of the few papers that didn’t stop running his columns after this outrageous shit.

George Will: Rape is coveted status

Now, I’m sure there are some women out there that will say, “No, George, we don’t covet sexual assault,” but I think we all know what women really mean when they say “no.”

But if you’re one of those women, I ask you, if you didn’t like being sexually assaulted so much, why don’t you show a little modesty and dress like an Antarctic beekeeper?  That’s the advice of Indian Minister Babubal Gaur, who explained that rape is “sometimes right and sometimes wrong.”

This came shortly after two girls, age 12 and 14 were raped and hanged in his district, but in his defense, I’m sure that those were “wrong” rapes.  Clearly, officials throughout the nation are working hard to keep India the brutal rape capital of the world

Indian Minister “Rape is sometimes acceptable”:

But if you still insist that you’re not a fan of being raped, at least we know who to blame for it now.  And it turns out, it’s not the rapist, it’s Charles Darwin.

That’s right, as Creationist douchebag Darek Isaacs explained on “Creation Today” last week if evolution is true, it’s all just about men propagating their genes.  He ends with what he thinks is a rhetorical question.  (quote) “If evolution is true… is rape wrong?”

And the rhetorical answer is “yes, you misogynistic fuck wart.”

Creationist: If evolution is true, is rape wrong?

And finally, proving that you don’t need a penis to be a sexist, we bring you the story of mommy blogger Laura something-or-another at the “Apples and Band-Aids blog”.  She reminds all of us ladies to be ashamed of our bodies this beach season in a post called, “My Husband Doesn’t Need to See Your Boobs.”

In the article, she explains that apparently her husband is some kind of undomesticated raging pervert that dives erection first into anything with visible cleavage.

So I’d like to close by pointing out to Laura that I don’t need to see your husband’s asshole, either, so please take your picture off of your blog.

Mommy blogger is a prudish bitch:

That’s all the misogyny I have for you this week, but I’m sure there’s more to come.  And remember guys, we outnumber you.



“Diatribes Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope” is already being called the greatest work of nonfiction in the modern age.  And now I’m calling it an earth shattering literary achievement.

But nevermind what I have to say, let’s hear what the Amazon reviewers are saying:

  • “Only had this about 6 months and the roller brush seized up which caused the belt to continue spinning and almost caught the vacuum cleaner on fire……Really bad design on the roller brush.”
  • “After putting batteries in the device, it did not vibrate.  What a waste of money.  If it were thicker, maybe I could use it as a dildo.”
  • “The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer changed my sex life”

And now, let’s hear what they have to say about “Diatribes Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope:

  • “A sharply written and well-reasoned book.  It acts both as a great companion to the podcast and as a stand-alone commentary on the state of the art stupidity we’re exposed to every day.”
  • “The authors present familiar arguments in a new and irreverent way that [is] refreshing after all of the books, blogs and podcasts that try to walk the line between arguing and offending.”
  • “…this book skewers the pretensions of the pious in a way that is viscerally satisfying, laugh out loud funny, and profoundly truthful.”
  • “Highly recommended for anyone that has a brain or is considering getting one.”

So pick up your paperback or digital copy today by following the links at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  “Diatribes Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”: because I’ve only said the name of the book twice and the marketing guys say you should say it at least three times.
Song: Numbers


1 is the number of gods and he gives

2 shits about who gets killed and who lives.

3 times Balaam and his donkey have spats

be-4 god starts talking out of that Midianite’s ass.


5 chapter in things get scary for chicks,

6-tuff’s prescribed if they’re getting side-dick.

And 7’s for resting unless you need stones,

To break some stick gathering heathen’s skull and his bones.


8 too much Manna? Should you voice your critiques?

God will plague you and kill you, but he’ll send quail for weeks.

And that asi-9 bastard may invoke some damned clause,

To show you what a 10-uous promise that promised land was.


11 Tribes conscribe all their fighting age men,

but the 12th tribe (the Levites) just carry the tent.

20 is war-age, but like most things, you’ll notice,

The tribe that’s exempt is the one that has Moses.


30 Days mourning when god kills Aaron on high,

Then 40 years waiting for all the bad jews to die.

50 percent of this book we spend bored

Counting jews and the booty they offer the lord.


We get a couple of censuses from all of the tribes,

Enumerated offerings are in detail described,

As the name would suggest, the book’s obsessed with amounts,

But no number gets higher than god’s body count:


WTFI – Baha’i

The cold-sore to Islam’s genital herpes, Baha’i is a diacritically perplexing faith that began in the mid nineteenth century when Iranian slacker Siyyid Ali-Muhammad realized that claiming to speak for god was a pretty good racket.  He took the name “The Bab”, which means “The Gate” and declared himself the 12th Imam of Shi’a Islam in 1844.  That worked out well for him until his public execution in 1850.

Before his death, the Bab had amassed thousands of followers, who have the impossible to take seriously monicker of “Babis”.  A brief schism between the remaining adherents ended with one Mirza Husayn-Ali Nuri in charge, who thus chose the humble title of “Glory of God”, or “Baha’u’llah”.

Since then, by most measures, Baha’i has been the fastest growing religion in the world, quickly spreading to over 200 nations (take that, Mormons).  Baha’i was considered a very progressive faith for the mid nineteenth century and even now, it is a very progressive faith for the mid nineteenth century.

The belief is founded on three main principles, all of which are unwavering, eternal, and cast aside in a heartbeat if it conveniences the propagation of the faith.

The first is the unity of god; Baha’i is a monotheistic religion that employs the familiar cop-out that all religions are worshipping the same god in different and often directly contradictory ways.  This leads to the second founding principle, the unity of religion, which is essentially the same thing, but you can’t just have two founding principles or you’ll look like an asshole.

Like the Muslims and the Christians before them, they accept the divine status of the other Abrahamic prophets and, again like the Muslims and Christians, they believe their prophet was both the best and the last.  The gist of the teaching is that all religions are true, but Baha’i is the most true.

The final principle is the unity of humanity; a firm and founding belief that all humans are created equal, regardless of faith, race and culture.  Unless they’re gay.

The history of Baha’i is one of persecution and persistence.  Despite the execution of their first prophet and the exile of his successor, the religion has grown steadily.  The first several successors were appointed by god through his holy representative and by an amazing cosmic coincidence, god chose the children of those holy representatives for three generations.  After that, god could no longer be bothered to appoint leaders and they turned to democracy.

There is a strong focus in Baha’i on gender equality, which is shown clearly by how many of their holy buildings look like nipples or vaginas.  They focus a large amount of their charitable work toward the empowerment of women through early education.  This mission is no doubt paramount to the council of nine that runs the religion.  In fact, they’re so dedicated to gender equality that they might eventually consider allowing women to serve on that council, but for now a scrotum remains a prerequisite.

Baha’i also pays lip service to the compatibility between faith and science, though their failure to voluntarily disband and stop praying shows this to be as hollow as the gender equality thing.

Baha’i is usually represented by a nine pointed star, as all the good numbers of points on a star had been taken by 1844.  It’s the thirteenth largest religion in the world, resting between Judaism and Jainism, but if it continues to grow at the pace it’s been growing over the last century, it could supplant Korean Dictator worship as the 10th largest religion as early as the year 2268.

Because of it’s focus on equality and relatively progressive stance on gender roles, the faith’s adherents like to present themselves as the “atheist-friendly” alternative to other world religions.  And hopefully, armed with the knowledge that their all-male “Universal House of Justice” still condemns both premarital sex and homosexuality, you have all the facts necessary to call them on their bullshit.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback.  This is the few minutes we set aside with increasing frequency now that the show is an hour long to answer some of the emails and tweets we get each week.  We’ll start with a little international flair this week, as our first email comes from Espana.

Miguel the angry Spaniard writes to say, “In episode 70 of your podcast, you made fun of the ancient Spanish custom of trampling infants.  Is that the best you can come up with?  Really?”  He then goes on to list a series of far more bizarre Spanish Easter traditions including,

  • The Spanish festival of KKK members in backless robes doing street BDSM,
  • The Spanish festival of shaking the fuck out of a poorly ballasted shrine en masse,
  • And the Spanish festival of forcing terrified children to climb human pyramids on top of mountains.

So yeah, Miguel, sorry we so grossly underestimated the bat-shit insanity of the Spanish national character.

I have to admit, I never expected an inquisition from there…

Our next email comes from Elena and it’s a bit more on the serious side.  She wrote to tell us about a tragic accident that took the lives of two of her atheist friends and nearly took the lives of their two daughters.  Next comes the chorus of “god’s plan” and “I’ll pray for you” half-measures, but of course, when the financial reality for these two girls sets in, the people who are so ready to pray for them are saying, “shame they didn’t belong to a church that could help them out.”

Anyway, Elena has set up a fundraiser on “Go Fund Me” and has reached out to the secular community for help.  And I happen to know we have a damn generous audience that’s way better than a church in times like this, so I thought I’d share the link to the fundraiser and some more information on the website and the show notes for this episode.

As usual, I’m not allowed to add commentary to segments like this, so just go ahead and cut me off-…

And if you listen to our friends over at Cognitive Dissonance, you might notice that they, too, have a listener named Elena that recently lost two friends in a similar accident and started a similar go-fund-me campaign for similar reasons.  I strongly urge you to give to our Elena, not there’s.

And finally, we have an email from Hannah who is a big fan of the show that wonders if we’ve ever noticed that in 70 episodes, we’ve never interviewed a female guest.  She closes the email by urging us to (quote) “get on that shit” (end quote).

Okay, so first of all, yes, we’ve noticed.  And yes, that’s really bad.  And yes, we should get on that shit.  All that being said, there’s two mitigating factors that I want to point out that slightly soften that apparent sexism.  The first is that it’s not like we’ve interviewed 70 people or anything.  We’ve only had guests on a little over a quarter of our episodes, so it’s only out of 18 interviews… which is bad, but not as bad.

I interviewed a girl last summer at camp, but she lives a few towns over.  Don’t bother checking.

Also, and this is the story of my life, I’ve been turned down by a lot of women.  I’m not gonna name any names because that just wouldn’t be classy, but we’ve been turned down by more than a few prominent female atheists.  If every potential guest I’ve ever contacted came on the show, we’d have interviewed way more than zero women.

Why don’t women like rape jokes?

Well that joke should help our cause, thanks, Heath…

And that does it for feedback.  If you you want more, send us more emails, Tweets, Facebook messages and for fuck’s sake, somebody issue a fatwa against us already.



Before we rinse and spit tonight, I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to give us some feedback on the new format.  So far it’s been all positive, but by all means, keep the comments coming.  Obviously we tried out some new stuff this week, so let us know what you think and help us make the most out of the hour of your life you’re giving us.  And I should mention that we read every email that comes in, though we don’t have time to respond to all of them.  Just know that when you don’t get a reply, it’s not like prayer… somebody is listening.

Anyway, that’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  Between now and then, you can get your fix of Scatheism on our Facebook Page, our blog or you can follow us on Twitter, that’s at Noah (underscore) Lugeons (L-U-G-E-O-N-S) and if you follow at Heath Enwright, (E-N-W-R-I-G-H-T) you get to see a picture of Heath’s gaping starfish.

Also, we’ll be posting some guest blogs at Scathing Atheist (dot) com starting this week, so be sure to check for that and if you’d like to submit an article for consideration, by all means, do that.  And if you know an atheist blogger that could use a little more publicity, let us know or let them know and we’ll see if we can’t work something out.

Of course, I need to thank Heath for kicking double the ass again tonight.  I need to thank the lovely Lucinda for going above and beyond the call of duty.  Obviously I need to thank David from My Book of Mormon for giving us some of his time this week.  Again, he’s got a really well done podcast which you can check out by heading over to Scathing Atheist (dot) com and clicking on the link you’ll find there.

I also need to thank Bobby and Ashley from the “No Religion Required” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote, and while we’re on the subject, I want to thank Ashley for lending her voice to the atheist movement by joining Bobby as his co-host.  Glad to have you in the atheist podcasting club.  Of course, you’ll find their show linked on the shownotes as well.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most seductive simians; Andrew, Stephen, Brian, Amanda, Dan, Michael, Jeff, Ginny, Robert, Duff, James, Alexey, Elvin and Rob.  Andrew, Stephen and Brian, whose erections could be used to resupply the ISS; Amanda, Dan, Michael and Jeff, whose combination of speed and swordsmanship would fuck the Transformers up even worse that Michael Bay; Ginny, Robert, and Duff, who are so sexy I could masturbate to their footprints and James, Alexey, Elvin and Rob, who are so rational their farts come with citations and complete bibliographical reference.

These fourteen formidably forthright fornicators have fortified our fortunes this fortnight by forking over some money.  Not everyone has the courage, pride and superior sexual organs it takes to give us money, but if you want to test your mettle, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll find linked at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.


Episode 67 – Partial Transcript

May 29, 2014 5 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.





Warning: The book of Proverbs says you shouldn’t listen to people of my gender… but fuck that book.



Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Prostate Farm: Anal Virginity Single Prayer Health Insurance: Where you can bet your ass that we’ll pay your claim.  Are you worried about the rectal risk of sending your children to church but still insist on sending them to church anyway?  Are you afraid they might turn the other cheek the wrong way?

Well then let Prostate Farm cover your ass.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s May 29th,

And whole milk is still better.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

And I’m Heath Enwright.  And from the city nicknamed after the fruit that brought you gravity; New York, New York,

And the state nicknamed after the one that looks like an ass, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Redneck preachers getting bit by poisonous snakes will get so common we don’t even bother to cover it in the headlines,
  • God will punish me for that time I had an abortion,
  • And Lucinda will join us to discuss Proverbs in this week’s Pope-rah’s Book Club

But first, the diatribe.



I’ve got an analogy for you.  Imagine you’ve got an aunt named Millie.  And you were close to her when you were a kid, but in the last decade you only ran into her once at a wedding or something.  And now imagine that Aunt Millie dies.

But your cousin Bob, who’s Millie’s only child, decides that he doesn’t want you to go through all the grief of losing your beloved aunt so he doesn’t tell you she died… ever.  In fact, he goes out of his way to mislead you.  He makes excuses for why she never shows up at family reunions, he tells you she doesn’t answer her phone any more because she’s convinced it’ll give her cancer, he sends you Christmas cards with her signature forged onto them.  All in an effort to keep you from grieving.

So the question is; is Bob doing you a favor?

Now before you answer, let me add another layer to it.  Imagine after a while the charade gets so wacky that you’re on the phone with Bob and you’re saying, “Wait a minute… she went back to pan more gold in Brazil even after the ocelot attack?” and it suddenly occurs to you that Bob might be full of shit.  So you start having doubts and you ask him point blank; “Is Aunt Millie dead?”.  But even then, he keeps lying to you.  Doesn’t matter how elaborate of half-ass his answers get, he keeps up the act.

So I’ll ask you again, is Bob doing you a favor?

And I’ll also interrupt you again before you have a chance to answer, because to be thorough, I need to add one more layer to the analogy.  Bob has to get something out of this for himself.  So now imagine that up until now, every year you’ve sent Aunt Millie a really nice present on her birthday and on Christmas; and Bob’s been selling the gifts on Ebay and pocketing the money.  He justifies it by telling himself that he works really hard to keep you from grieving and it’s a small price to ask for all his effort.

Now, I don’t need to ask you again because even before I started adding all the layers to it, you already knew that Bob was being an asshole… a well meaning asshole, maybe, but an asshole nonetheless.  It’s not for him to decide if you can handle Aunt Millie’s death.  He’s robbed you of your ability to grieve for her.  What’s worse, he’s taken away the quintessential reminder of the impermanence of the people we love.  What if knowing about Aunt Millie’s death would have driven you closer to Uncle Paul and Aunt Gretchen?  What if you’d have otherwise been inspired to start a charity in her name, or take care of her favorite dog… or live in the comfort of knowing she’ll never break into your house again and molest your ferret.  Whatever.  Doesn’t matter.

Look, if we want to spread atheism we need to confront the issue of death.  Not only do we need to confront it; we need to embrace it.  We need to fall in love with mortality and sell it.

Of course, if you have no interest in spreading atheism, feel free to disregard everything I’m saying.  You’re under no obligation to devangelize.  But if that’s your goal, you need to find ways to help people put away their immortal security blanket.  Because when we say, “Your religion is stupid”, what they hear is, “that hope that you’ll see your favorite dog and your grandma and the son you lost to leukemia is stupid.”

Now, I don’t think that means we should say their religion is stupid, because the idea that you’re gonna see your dog and your grandma and your kid is stupid, but we need to understand why so many people are so scared to agree.  One way we can do this is by pointing out that religion doesn’t actually help you grieve, but the other is to help people understand that mortality is a good thing.  It’s the greatest motivating factor on the planet.  It’s the only reason we sometimes have to forgive and to reconcile.

Obviously we can’t offer them eternal life in paradise with virgins and mansions and shit because we’re limited to the truth.  But it’s like Sam Harris says; when you learned that [spoiler alert] Santa Claus wasn’t real the truth that replaced it was nowhere near as fun, but at least there was a truth to replace it.  We can’t afford to avoid this topic.

Think about all the people that you love, that you plan on outliving.  And next time you say goodbye to them, remind yourself that this could be the last time.  And next time you say hello to them, treat them like they just returned from the dead.  That’s something you can only do if you let go of the afterlife; when we keep mortality in the front of our minds instead of burying it behind religions and superstitions and pithy bravado.  Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we all just admitted that we’re all going to die.



Joining me for headlines tonight is stickler with a smart phone, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to share your latest fact-bomb victory?

You must be referring to how I “Snopes-ed” the shit out of some guy at the bar the other day.  He was trying to impress this woman talking about being a scientist.  He used the general term “scientist”.  Already suspect.  

He’s a “Just Scientist?”  Really?  “Oh, I study sciencography… you know, the science of… things and stuff”

And, he bothered me earlier by ordering a drink using well above the 10-syllable max for dudes.  And then he mentioned he was a devout Christian, and loved how science coincides with the Bible.

You know, those rabbits and their cud

So I absolutely couldn’t let him go, when he started talking about “glass actually being a liquid, which they discovered by looking at the window panes at cathedrals, that were thicker on the bottom.”  No – it’s a solid.  it’s technically an “amorphous solid”, but you didn’t even know that, so it doesn’t count.  But it has a melting point, so it’s clearly not a liquid!!!    

But as if he wasn’t already wrong enough, the whole thing about the cathedral windows being thicker at the bottom is bullshit anyway.  So even if we grant him the bullshit on both sides of his bullshit equation, it’s still bullshit.

In our lead story tonight, from the “Shady Antebellum” file: Reginald Wayne Miller – president and founder of the totally-real-sounding Cathedral Bible College in South Carolina – was placed under house arrest, after receiving charges of felony-level ‘slavery and exploitation’.

I guess at a certain point you’ve really gotta do some crazy shit to stand out.  Reggie’s sitting around thinking, “fucking kids has been done to death… the Vatican has money laundering, the Pentecostals have snake felatio, the Muslims have throwing acid on innocent women… What about slavery?  Is anybody else doing slavery?”

Wow really???  Baby slavery’s taken?!?  What about regular slavery?  Yeah- Shotgun!!! Whip!!! … So Miller’s legal defense team plans to argue that the Bible and the free exercise clause justify the slavery and exploitation.  The prosecution – on the other hand – plans to argue that the Bible and the free exercise clause justify slavery and exploitation … So those clearly don’t count, right?!?

And here’s the most fucked up thing… if the allegations are true (and he’s white so they probably are) there wasn’t even an actual college.  He sets up this faux school for the express purpose of bringing exchange students over, putting them to work for between a buck fifteen an hour and nothing an hour, and revoked the student visas of the kids that complained.  And I only point this out because biblical apologists like seem to think there’s good slavery and bad slavery so you have to be specific about what kind of slavery you’re dealing with.  In this case; bad.

Now to the untrained South Carolina eye, Miller was simply running a legitimate indentured servitude Christian agri-business.  However, his 2006 charge of exposing himself to an undercover agent at a bath house doesn’t help bolster his “At least it wasn’t sexual slavery” defense.  “Human trafficking sex plantation?!?  Who’s talking about HTSP’s?!?  You brought that up!!!  You guys knew that acronym.”

South Carolina Bible College president placed under detention for slavery and exploitation:

And in “I’ll Render Unto Whoever I Want” news tonight, a federal judge in Kentucky has ordered the secular nonprofit American Atheists to go fuck themselves this week by dismissing a lawsuit that sought to hold the IRS accountable for its prejudicial policies regarding churches.  This is not a “tax the churches” suit; though I’d be behind it every bit as much if it was.  Rather, this suit challenges the preferential treatment and lack of transparency that the IRS exclusively affords to religious nonprofits.

Oh, right … The single most important political issue on the atheist platform!!!  The hole we could plug, and save billions in stolen tax revenue every year!!!  Are the employees of God really claiming they won’t take a pay cut?  Are they supposed to get paid?!?  

As is often the case in lawsuits like this, the question is one of standing: Is American Atheist harmed by this policy?  U.S. District Judge William O. Bertelsman says no, and in a remarkable display of cognitive dissonance he justifies it by pointing out that American Atheist might be able to gain classification as a religious organization.  <<So?>> Right!  That’s like dismissing a racial discrimination suit on the basis of the plaintiff being pretty light skinned for a black dude.

“Dude just lie about your heritage, and learn to (talk like this) … You’ll be fine.  Case dismissed.”

Further demonstrating their impressive “getting it” deficit; lawyers for the IRS pointed out that it couldn’t be a discriminatory policy because it was available to all people who are religious, regardless of their preferred space-dessert.

Federal judge dismisses atheist suit against IRS:

And in “The asshole doesn’t fall far from the tree” news, Senator Ted Cruz’s father, pastor Rafael Cruz – in his expert capacity as the sphincter tree in that analogy – was a featured Tea Note Speaker at a conservative political conference held by a certain society … I don’t believe I have to mention it’s name … I will anyway … It’s the “Family Research KKKouncil”.

Okay, so the dude who spawned self-identified “proud wacko bird” Ted “The UN is coming for the golf courses” Cruz, speaking to a group of bigots on behalf of a hate group?  I bet he said something poignant.  Was it poignant?

I do not think that word means … what you think it means.  Here’s Cruz the Elder’s inconceivably poignant thesis: Ever since we stopped forcing Christianity on public school students, it’s led to nothing but moral decay and teen pregnancy.  No question 1963 was a tough year for many white Christians in the South.  Bible study was out the door at public schools, and black people were in the door … Maybe not the same door, but baby steps.  

Who knows… in another hundred years, maybe they’ll even desegregate the churches.

Now the ensuing decade of moral decay must have been great … And I don’t doubt the teen pregnancy numbers were high … But the teen parent numbers must have levelled off after Roe v. Wade, just nine years later … So it’s all good.  We did that for you!!!  Irresponsible pregnant teens can get abortions now.  You’re welcome!!!

Yeah, there should really be a rule that you’re not allowed to be against both the problem and the solution.

Ted Cruz’s dad is also a dumbfuck:

And from the “Right Wing Hobby-Lobbyist” file, we’ve got a quick follow up to a news item we covered in episode 62 of this fine program.  As you may or may not recall, Hobby Lobby president Steve Green is peddling a bible curriculum for public schools which, despite being a bible curriculum for public schools has been adopted by the school district closest to his company’s headquarters.  They claim it’s a “bible as literature” course, and therefore legal, but those possessing cognition doubted that assertion.

I wouldn’t say the “as literature” part is the problem, although that’s ridiculous too, because it’s terrible literature.  But does it really matter if it’s “Bible as Literature”, or “Bible as a Treasure Map”, or “Bible as a Way to Win Friends and Influence People”???  

Well, look, maybe we should learn about the Bible in school… it’s important to our history, our literature, our culture… but among the extensive but far from exhaustive list of church/state violations the FFRF discovered in the textbook were things like chapter headings like “How do we know that the Bible’s historical narratives are reliable?”, claims that the bible created feminism, the inclusion of Christian apologetics around the nastier bits, the complete lack of recognition of non-Protestant Christianity, and a fundie-friendly rewriting of America’s founding.

Leading the Jehovah’s Witness a little bit there … “How do we know the Jews stopped beating their wives, only a few short centuries after they created feminism?”

Now, if you’re one of our many listeners that studies Oklahoma state regulations in their spare time, you may be wondering how the hell this curriculum is only now coming to light, despite the fact that it has already been adopted by a school board.  After all, by state law, all school board meetings must be open to the public.  Well, as it turns out, it only counts as a meeting if more than 50% of the school board is present, so on the advice of the morally upstanding Steve Green, they just split them into two groups when they discussed it.  Because as any orthodox Jew will tell you, god loves him some loopholes.

Follow up on Hobby Lobby Bible curriculum:

And in “Bible Belt Turniquet” news, after three recent heroin smuggling incidents at Daviess County Jail in Owensboro, Kentucky, Sheriff Keith Cain and Jailer David Osborne – not wanting to get their hands (and lower arms) dirty being thorough – opted instead for wishing the drug away really hard.  But this time, the wishing took place in a church … and this is a new strategy … so we’ll see what happens.

See, this is where Baptists just fails.  When you’ve got a problem with people hiding things in their ass, what you really need is a Catholic.

So ‘Prayer’ loses to everything in “Rock, Paper, Scissors, Prayer” … But even if these guys were doing this on their own time without technically wasting taxpayer money (and that’s not really true) … They certainly are selling Christianity pretty hard at their “Church and State Pen”, to a very captive audience.  And you probably don’t wanna give Bibles to convicts too much.

Yeah, cause they’ll hide their rock hammer in it.

500 yards of bullshit doesn’t compare though …  I’m reading it now, and the morality in the Old Testament so far is fucked up!!!  If anything, we should be forcing a peaceful religion on inmates, like what’s the opposite of Judaism? … Islam.

Christians solve heroin problem with prayer:

And in “Didn’t he used to run England?” news tonight, former celebrity Toni Braxton has scribbled a new autobiography, in which she explains that her son’s autism is almost certainly a punishment from god for having an abortion.  Strangely, she didn’t comment on what god was punishing her son for by giving him a mother that’s such a horrible bitch that she would publicly describe her child as retribution.

The dude you’re thinking of … who used to be King of England … Pretty sure that’s Margaret Thatcher.

I know it’s hard to believe that something so stupid could come from the inimitable wordsmith that penned such brilliant lyrics as “Oh baby, oh baby, I can hardly wait to see your face; Oh baby, oh baby, heartbreak is gonna be the case,” but she goes on to explain that her parent’s divorce and her own lupus diagnosis were also divine vengeance.

Divorce and lupus?!?  Really?!?  Do you hear that?  It’s the world’s shittiest violin, playing shitty, sad Toni Braxton music for shitty, sad Toni Braxton.  Birth a child that isn’t too logical to love you, and we’ll talk.  Oh, you can’t???

Braxton walked back the comments amid a firestorm of criticism, saying, (quote) “When my youngest son was diagnosed with autism I feared that I was being punished for my earlier actions.  I have since realized what a calloused scut that makes me look like,” (end quote)

Toni Braxton: My Autistic kid is punishment from god for having an abortion:

And finally tonight, Atheist rappers Greydon Square and Tombstone da Deadman will perform in concert on July 26 in Temple Hills, Maryland, staging the event in collaboration with Grand Unified – a science-spreading artist collective.

Seems like more of a “calendar” segment than a “headline” segment”.  Unless, of course…

Well that is pretty much the whole story, so I could vamp for 30 seconds … And that could go downhill really quick … Or instead, we could spend that same amount of time listing “Ideas for Atheist and Religious Music Festivals” … GO!!!

Oh good… I was afraid you were gonna say “Rappers” and I’d have to reveal just how white I was.  How about the “Apostate Fair”?

I’ll start by cheating.  Had these already.  These are my personal hypothetical atheist rapper aliases: Notorious BIG Bang and Scientific Method Man

Maybe a Buddhist fest called “Nirvana-roo”…

Lots of big, naked, buddhists with eightfold paths, listening to KoAni DiFrancoFree Tibetter Than Ezra


All-4-One With Everything?

Maybe William Lane Craig could have an Apologetics Festival and call it “South by Northwest”

I heard Fitty Shekels and Kanye West Bank were gonna be at “Gathering of the Tribes” … Jewish …

Fitty Shekels… love it.  “Oy vey can you see?”  Anyway, how about the “Warped Logic Tour”?

What about a Puritan music fest? … Burning Woman at the Stake

“We wanted to see Motley Crucifix, but we ended up getting stuck with a set of Three Nine Inch Nails.”

Or Ray Comfort could host a creationism one; “Bananaroo”.

Phil Collins and the … I Can’t Dancers in Genesis ???

Or maybe… and we should maybe actually do this one… a festival to raise money for secular education for women in Muslim countries called, “Malala-palooza?”

Gotta assume there’s already some kind of shitty lute fest and humus mash-off called “Halal-apalooza”.

I thought there was no true festival but “Allah”-palooza.

And despite being completely irrelevant now, I’m sure they’ll bring up “Benghazi Ozbourne” …

Maybe the Arab gangsta rap giants “Sand NWA” …

By the way ladies, be careful to avoid the acid at Allah-palooza.

Atheist Rapper Concert:

Alright, well now that we can be sure we’ve offended everyone, I think we can close out headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back, we’ll learn that after Psalms, we can take just about anything.



Babble – Proverbs

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a “proverb” as “a brief, popular saying that gives advice about how people should live”, but the biblical definition is more like a “statement of indeterminate length that expresses a notion that is either common-sense, true by merit of definition, or painfully, ridiculously wrong.”  Chocked full of important nuggets like, “The clever do things intelligently, while the fool displays folly”, Proverbs does distinguish itself for being, at best, the least horrible book in the bible so far.

And it’s basically a lucky famous person giving stupid advice, because he confused covariance and causality.  It’s King Solomon explaining how if we all heed the lord’s wisdom, then everyone will become the extremely wealthy King of Israel, just like him.  See – it works!!!

So joining us to discuss a book that spends about 8% of its words warning us about the dangers of listening to women is a woman.  Specifically, my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

I am woman, hear me roar!

So despite being recently told by an inerrant book that the true purpose of a wife is to make sure that I (quote) “let your breasts satisfy me at all times” (end quote), we’re gonna talk about the bible instead.  You mind starting us off?

  • At first I was thinking to myself, “Who named this book?  Alanis Morissette?  Aren’t proverbs supposed to be short?”
    • Right and instead we get unnecessarily long restatements of the same thing over and over again.  They’re more like… con-verbs, or whatever.
  • So these are ancient words of wisdom, and the very first one basically says: “If a bunch of dudes invite you to go ambush and murder some innocent people with them … Don’t do that.”  So right off the bat, Solomon really drops some insight on us.      
  • And even when you shave it down to a pithy sentence, it’s still bad advice.  Chapter two, for example, tells us that as long as we fear god and seek wisdom <<which are mutually exclusive goals>> we’ll never have to worry about having raunchy, sinful naked time.
  • And chapter three teaches us that the true goals of wisdom should be living a really long time and getting rich.
  • “Lean not on your own understanding, do not be wise in your own eyes, and pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”  So basically, don’t let judgment cloud your …  judgment.
  • Yeah, something of a pattern emerges right away.  About 90% of the proverb is reminding you to pay attention to this proverb because it’s really, really important, and the other 10% vaguely tells you not to be wicked… without really defining wicked.
    • Right.  It’s like the verbose Leviticus.
  • I don’t know, though, chapter five is pretty on message.  It says, “beware vaginas”.
    • But it also expressly endorses titty-fucking.
  • As long as you “push in” at the last second.
  • And I want to point out that whoever wrote chapter six was very familiar with the price of a hooker.  
    • Yeah, and it was only a loaf of bread back then, so I guess the ancient world wasn’t all bad.
  • These days, with Atkins, it’s a meatloaf.  Also in this chapter: (quote) “There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him” (end quote) … Weird fucking way to present a list of 7 things … Anyway, most of them are pretty bad things like spilling innocent blook, lying, scheming, etcetera.  But one of them … One of the seven things God could is capable of hating … is “haughty eyes”.
  • This book is so obsessed with who you do and don’t fuck that through the first seven chapters it reads like the dorky guy who’s trying to explain why he never gets laid, “Well, yeah, there were a bunch of hotties down at the square begging me to fuck ‘em again tonight… you know, they’re all ‘I perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloe and cinammon; come let us take our fill of love until morning’… but I stayed righteous.”
  • I fucked this girl from Moab at camp last summer.  You wouldn’t know her.  She lives a few tribes over.  
  • Then in chapter eight we meet god’s wife, I think.
  • And apparently she has a nice house and she invites stupid people in.
  • And then finally, after nine chapters of, “I swear I’m really smart and you should listen to me” bullshit, we get some actual proverbs.
    • And apparently god sucks at proverbs.  I mean, George Lucas wrote better wisdom than this.  Couldn’t the guy that made Confucius come up with a few that would stick?
  • There’s no puns, no rhymes, no wordplay of any kind.  It’s a long, terrible, completley unclever version of Animaniacs’ “Good Idea, Bad Idea” segment …  “Good Idea: Don’t be a mocker.  Bad Idea: Mock.”  Unforgettably eloquent stuff like that.
  • Right.  Chapter Eleven has 31 proverbs and they’re all variations on “Being righteous is preferable to being wicked.”  Really?  You’re divinely instructing your people and that’s all you bring?
  • Yeah, you even get tautological shit like Chapter 12, verse 5 “The thoughts of the righteous are just; the advice of the wicked is treacherous.”  So… evil people are evil.  Thanks for clearing that up.  No room for oral hygiene in this book, but we cleared up the whole, ‘are evil people evil?’ question.
  • Thirteen has some really good advice on beating your children…
  • Yeah, the advice is: “Beat your children with a rod.”
    • Yeah, but just in case you didn’t get it then, they restate the pro-child beating case in chapters 19, 22, 23 and 29.
    • And also there’s some good slave-beating advice in chapter 29.
  • Perhaps my favorite, though, is 14:20 which states… (I shit you not) “The poor are disliked, even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends.”  That’s the whole thing.  Be rich and people will like you more.
  • Seems to be working for the Jews quite nicely ever since.  Who doesn’t like the Jews?  They’ve got all that gold.  
  • And a lot of focus on the “wise people are smart, fools are stupid” proverb.  It’s restated maybe 50 times in the first fifteen chapters.
  • Yeah, I’m willing to say that the tales of Solomon’s wisdom were greatly exaggerated.
    • Well, he was the king… so who’s gonna argue.  “Split a baby in half?  That’s a great idea, your highness.”  I picture him gorging on a turkey leg and a virgin, yelling, “Scribe!  I have another one of those smart thingies for you.  ‘Sometimes there is a way that seems to be right… but… um… in the end it is the way to death.’  Write that down.  And put a little skull next to ‘death’… or no, make that the E in death… a little skull.”
  • And he continues to be the inept minstrel that keeps missing the rhyme.  “Good is good, and bad is bad.  Evil stuff makes God real … pissed- SHIT!!!  I suck at this!!! I’m such and idiot!!!”
  • In seventeen we learn that it’s immoral to flog people for having integrity and we also learn that people in general should shut the fuck up.
  • Apparently living alone is wicked, by the way.  Never realized that, but it is.
  • Every morning, I take a naked shit, with the door open, while drinking milk from the carton … Then it gets ugly.  Didn’t have a google suggestion this week.  Figured I’d just leave you with that image.
  • Here and there there’s a weird one and a couple of times you get actual good advice, but most of them fall into one of three themes: Sit down and shut up; Stupid people are even worse than poor people; and evilness is evil.
    • A lot of “god will fuck your shit up”, too.
  • And since these are all attributed to kings, there’s also a lot of, “How awesome are kings?” ones too.
  • We also learn repeatedly that lying is bad.
  • It’s so boring, in fact, that if you’re not careful, you’ll miss the good blow job jokes.  For instance, after the enigmatic proverb that tells us that lazy people say that the streets are filled with random lions, we get this gem,  Chapter 22, verse 14 “The mouth of a loose woman is a deep pit.”
  • Or a shallow pit, but it’s really wide.  I don’t judge.  They also mention that you’re not supposed to fuck with the property lines by moving ancient boundary stones.  “Maybe I wasn’t clear earlier.  I’m God … And I’m giving all the oil to the Jews …  So it’s very important that they get to keep all this shitty-seeming dessert land, that I’ve marked off here.”
  • And then we’re back to stupid shit like warnings that stingy people’s bread will make you puke and kids who don’t get beaten regularly will burn in hell.
    • It also says that prostitutes are deep pits and adultresses are narrow wells, so apparently they’re saying if you’re gonna fuck around, try to get the tighter vagina of an adulteress before settling for a hooker.
  • And in twenty four… or actually about halfway through chapter twenty three, we made a hard left out of the realm of pithy and onto just somebody saying something.
  • Oh, and by the way, and apparently this is important, when you start eating honey, stop before you vomit.
  • If you vomit, or hit the East River, you’ve gone too far.  That’s helpful.
    • Good thing god was around to inspire Solomon to tell Hezekiah to write this shit down.
  • By chapter twenty six they’ve entirely run out of shit to say and start repeating earlier proverbs verbatim.
    • Yeah, but if I’m not mistaken, chapter twenty six also has the bible’s first reference to dog vomit… so there’s some new shit sprinkled in there as well.
  • And it’s such a weird mix of shit.  Like in twenty seven we get a bit of generally good advice about not being a dick to your friends and then we close off with god telling you not to worry about the goat’s milk, because he’s got that covered.
  • And even the stuff that sounds wise isn’t.  Like 28:1, “The wicked flee when no one pursueth…” right, but they also flee when people do pursueth.  Because if they weren’t fleeing, you couldn’t exactly pursue them.  You’d just walk over there or something.
  • And righteous pitchfork mobs don’t just “walk over there”.  So correctly anticipating a lynch mob attack and going somewhere else, is evil???
  • And sometimes it seems like they don’t understand that the two clauses in a proverb should be at least tangentially related.  In 29:3, for example; “A child who loves wisdom makes a parent glad, but to keep company with prostitutes is to squander one’s substance.”  Fucking what!?  We go from making our parents proud to not wasting perfectly good semen in prostitutes?
  • If you’re not getting A’s in school, you might as well be coming on a hooker’s back.  Useful, everyday, false duality to guide your study habits and sperm targeting behavior.
  • In 30 we learn that if you disobey your parents, vultures will eat your brains.
    • In the King James it’s ravens plucking out your eyes and feeding them to eagles.
  • And then after they finished the whole book, King Lemuel shows up with a poem that his mom wrote and said, “I want this one to be in the book, too.”
    • And the whole thing is a ridiculous stereotype of Jewish moms.  It starts off with her saying, “Don’t drink too much”, moves on to her asking when he’s gonna find a nice Jewish girl to settle down with and then ends by telling him how awesome he is.

And then it mercifully ends a hundred and nineteen chapters earlier than Psalms did.  And while it seems more like something that belongs in a book of wisdom, it did leave me wishing god would go ahead and genocide somebody again or something.  This book is getting boring even for this book.

I’d just like to point out that this book ends with an Epilogue about a wife of noble character… which is basically a list of shit she has to do with a smile on her face.  She may not be charming and she may not be pretty but if she fears the lord you should praise her…. because apparently fear will make her get shit done.

So that does it for the Babble.  We’ll be back in three weeks with Ecclesiastes, which I hear is by far the least bad book in the Bible, so that one might be harder to make fun of, but we’ll make due, I’m sure.



Before we reach for the washcloth tonight, I wanted to congratulate a friend of mine on a pretty significant milestone.  Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast is about to record his 100th episode.  Among his many podcasting accolades is the fact that he was the first person to ever interview Heath and me about this show.  So huge congrats to him on number one hundred, which I recommend you download and listen to when it’s available and not just because he invited us back on to temporarily join in the festivities.

And speaking of shows that I’ll be on soon that you should be listening to even when I’m not on them, rumor has it that I’ll also be joining Jake Farr-Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show this week, should be available over the weekend.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with the incomparable Eli Bosnick to discuss the new film “Heaven is For Real” so be sure to have your popcorn ready for that one.  Until then, you can keep up with us on the blog, on Facebook, on Twitter and on Google Plus.

I need to thank Heath once more for always having 190 seconds to spare for a segment called “30 seconds on the clock”; I need to thank Lucinda for powering through books of the bible post-op; and, of course, I need to thank Shawn from Alberta for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and Ukulele solo.

But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most bestest people in the whole wide world; David, Wally, Greg, Steve, Colin, Laura, Goran, Troy, Jeff with a “J”, SharpestOne, Tammy and Geoff with a “G”.  David, Wally and Greg, whose cocks are available by prescription only in the state of Georgia; Steve, Colin and Laura, who are so intelligent that the next incarnation of personal communication devices might be referred to as “Steve, Colin and Laura”-phones; Goran, Troy and Jeff with a “J”, who are so legendary they named a planet, an ancient empire and a Lebowski after them, respectively; and Sharpest One, Tammy and Geoff with a “G”, who intergalactically notorious ninjutsu solves the Fermi Paradox.

These twelve paradisaic paragons have helped us paralyze a few more paragraph of paranoid parables from parasitic paranormalists this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the altruism, benevolence and discretionary income needed to give us money, but if you’d like to join the ranks of our financial supporters, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist; or make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help, but you only like us as a friend, you can also help us a ton by giving us a sterling review on iTunes, Stitcher or the nearest church’s bulletin board.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode except Shawn’s ukulele bit was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 30 – Partial Transcript

September 12, 2013 10 comments

(note: Transcript may contain parts that were edited out of the final episode due to time restraints)


This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of creationist-friendly grocery stores “Ray Comfort Foods”, where the vegetables are guaranteed to be divinely created in their present form, the canned goods are 100% abiogenesis free and there’s plenty of Jesus in our cheeses.

So shop at Ray Comfort Foods, because creationists do what they’re told.

And now, the Scathing Atheist


It’s Thursday, it’s September 12th and it’s the 12th anniversary of Heath’s first 9-11 joke.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from sardonic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll be compassionate enough to cut the story with all the childrens’ cancer jokes

  • We’ll discover that there are levels of evil Pat Robertson can reach that would still surprise you,

  • And Christian homophobes create a Christian version of something that was Christian to begin with.

But first, the diatribe.


I was twelve years old and my mom was talking to a couple of friends of hers about where they were when they learned that Kennedy got shot.  One of the friends admitted that she couldn’t actually recall where she was and that freaked my mom right the fuck out.  How could she not remember that moment?

Now, psychologists will tell you these so-called “flashpoint” memories are just as unreliable as most of our other memories, but I didn’t know that at the time and neither did my mom.  It was simply unthinkable in her mind that somebody could have forgotten that moment.  And that was simply unthinkable to me.  I couldn’t comprehend of an event so potent that you’d be surprised when somebody failed to recall it precisely a quarter of a century later.

And I continued to not comprehend that for another thirteen years.

It’s damn hard to say that there was a silver lining to 9/11.  I’ll have enough respect not to rank it on a scale of tragedy, but it was the most horrible example of humanity that I’ve ever had to witness.  The emotional reaction that so many of us shared that day can’t be explained rationally.  That colossal mix of anger, fear and impotence isn’t something I’d ever like to revisit.

But if there was a phoenix that rose from the ashes that day, it was the new-atheist movement.  The four horsemen all cite the 9/11 attacks as the impetus to their vocal opposition to religion.  Throughout the 90s we’d all been force fed the immutable dictum of cultural tolerance so faith was off limits.  Sure, there were still plenty of atheists and there were still plenty of people bitching about the evils of religion, but after 9/11 those people were suddenly on TV.  They were writing best sellers.  They were suddenly being listened to.  They had been right all along and it took a few airplanes crashing into a few buildings on live television for a lot of people to realize that.

Of course, references to 9/11 have fallen out of favor in the atheist movement.  It’s become fashionable to rise above that type of rhetoric.  I’ve seen a number of prominent atheists vehemently disavow the popular meme that reminds us that science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings, or the one that shows the twin towers standing stalwart above the words “Imagine no Religion”.

The platitude a la mode would tell us that the number of religious people who have flown airplanes into buildings is sufficiently eclipsed by the number of religious people who haven’t flown airplanes into buildings.  It would be too simplistic to say “religion did it”, wouldn’t it?  There were far more things contributing to the rationale of the suicide bombers on 9/11 than just the six dozen hotties they were about to deflower.  So you can’t blame religion, can you?

And there’s a lot there that I’ll agree with.  I’ll agree that the overwhelming majority of believers aren’t suicide bombers.  And I’ll agree that it’s more complex than “religion did it”.  And I’ll agree that there were other contributing factors.  And even granting all that, I’ll still blame the shit out of religion.

Here’s the thing: convincing somebody to blow their self up is trickier than you think.  Without divulging any of the details of why I know that, consider the most gullible person you know and ask yourself if you think you could convince them that blowing their self up would earn them a trip to a virgin-laden paradise.  Tough, huh?  Now imagine you had to do it without using religion.

No one person can do that.  It would take indoctrination from birth.  It would take total control of what the victim learned, what they read, what they watched.  It would take institutions to make somebody believe anything so patently counterintuitive.

And it just so happens that we have institutions that were designed for exactly that purpose.  Modern day religious apologists are fond of telling us that the religion of today is nothing like the barbaric faith at it’s roots and that’s true to a certain extent in certain parts of the world at certain times, but that doesn’t change the fact that the vehicle they’re driving was designed to make people do what they were told to do, even, nay especially, when it went against their own best interest.

If you take out the poverty or the nationalism or the charismatic recruiter, you could still get probably round up 19 guys willing to kill in the name of god.  But if you take out the god your task becomes damn near impossible.

So call it hyperbolic if you want.  I say if there was any lesson we could extract from that tragedy it’s that religious zealotry isn’t something we can afford to tolerate.


Joining me for headlines tonight is cleverly introduced Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to participate in pre-headline banter?

Witty response, Noah.

Laughter, fading to witty retort, Heath.

Laughter indeed, Noah.  I think I’ll exercise my optional additional witty rebuttal here, at which point you’ll probably add a rejoinde-

Rejoinder ending in half-ass segue.

In our lead story tonight, the Vatican has recalled its ambassador to the Dominican Republic amid allegations of being a naughty, naughty nuncio.  Archbishop Josef Wesolowski was yanked off his post for getting his post yanked off and then winding up in the yankee post.

“Pope Franky Cranky About Wesolowski Lanky Crank Yanky Spanky Hanky Panky”  

Surprised you didn’t get “skanky” in there.  Rumors of the archbishop’s frisky business first arose in the Dominican press a few weeks ago and the ambassador was whisked away before you could say “official investigation”… or at least, before Dominican Attorney General Francisco Dominguez Brito could say “official investigation”.

We atheist podcasters could be foiled so easily, by clergy just not raping kids.  We’d lose a big chunk of material there . . .

So if the intrinsic value of not raping kids isn’t enough, they should consider the strategic value.  And as much as it would hurt our stellar ratings, I’d give away all this fame and podcast fortune,

if the church dialed down the rape even just a little.  

Sounds fair to me.  But instead, in yet another concerted effort to undercut their own “we-really-mean-it-this-time” charade, the Vatican has moved quickly and decisively to protect an Archbishop from prosecution for sex crimes AGAIN.  With the ink on his new “get tough on child rapists” legislation still drying, Pope Sweet Frans-vestite winds up in the delicate position of explaining that when he said “get tough” he didn’t mean tough as in “subject to the same minimal legal standards as the rest of the world”.

When a senior official of an institution is caught covering up decades of child rape, there IS a classy way to handle it.  And I think Joe Paterno showed us that classy way . . . And in case that was too subtle . . . I’m saying take a cue from Joe Pa and go die quickly.

Wesolowski, who was nomadic even for a child-raping Catholic official, had previously served in Africa, Costa Rica, Japan, Switzerland, India, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan and Denmark.  But I’m sure he only started fucking kids in the DR.

Yeah lots of people don’t develop those kid-rapey instincts until later in life.  Much like scotch, cock is an acquired taste.  Best to start with ten-year-olds, then maybe move your way up to twelve and fifteen.  Twenty-one isn’t worth the extra money.         

And I know that officially I’m supposed to call him “alleged child rapist” or whatever, but fuck that and fuck him.  The Vatican is going to make damn sure he’s only ever “alleged” child rapist so I’m gonna go ahead and call an unprecedented abrupt removal from a diplomatic post that exactly coincides with the opening of a sex-crimes investigation an admission of guilt and say this dude is a dirty child fucker.  And if he doesn’t like it, he can come and get me.  He’ll find me in a neutral nation with friendly extradition treaties with the Dominican Republic.

Do you think the court cases against these guys ever get settled by the victims raping them back.  Like a “brown eye for a brown eye” type of deal?

Vatican withdraws Dominican ambassador quick before he has to face charges of child sex abuse:

And in “Not all the stories can be as light hearted as that last one” news tonight, a Bangladeshi court has indicted four atheist bloggers on charges of not properly cupping Mohammed’s balls and saying things that hurt Allah’s feelings.  Because apparently Allah is a sissy god and can’t smite these dudes on his own.

Are there a lot of Bangladeshi citizens reading atheist blogs and Reddit posts all day, trying to really hash out their true feelings on the origins of the universe?  Is that what they do between state-mandated early morning Muslim prayer, and state-mandated later early morning Muslim prayer?

Despite the Vonnegutian nature of arresting people for insulting a fictional character, the (air quote) “assailants” are facing as much as 14 years in prison after at least one of them already faced a brutal assassination attempt.

If you get 14 years for epistemological whistle blowing, what’s the penalty for attempted brutal assassination?

The indictments you were asking for, apparently.

This is like if Edward Snowden found out the CIA was spending millions of tax dollars to track Santa Claus throughout the Arctic . . .

And also chasing Carmen Sandiego from Berlin down to Belize.  

I’d like to think we wouldn’t have jail time and water boards on the table in that situation.     

Before moving on to any more of the details, I’d just like to say that I make a lot of jokes about how backwards and fucked up the US judicial system is, but all things considered, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of ‘Murica and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under whoever the fuck I’ve gotta say to not spend 14 years in prison, so help us baby-Jesus, Amen.

The accused, whose names I won’t butcher out of respect, have already spent three months in prison and are currently free on bail after pleading not guilty.

Prosecution by the Ministry of Silly Walks would be far less ridiculous.

4 Bangladeshi Bloggers indicted for being atheist bloggers:

And from the “It turns out there actually were worse things we could’ve done in Rwanda than nothing” file tonight, blathering idiot and perpetual first runner up in the crypt-keeper lookalike competition Pat Robertson is working hard to remind everyone that he’s not just a crazy, ranting, superstitious, senile old bigot; he’s also evil.

First place must have gone to Lisa Robin Kelly from “That 70’s Show”?

Well, …now.

But even slightly pre-mortem.  And for those listeners playing in celebrity death pool fantasy leagues, she was 43 years old, so that’s 57 points for the predictably departed meth enthusiast, in standard formats.  

And from celebrity death pool back to celebrity death-monger, a documentary titled “Mission Congo” recently premiered at the Toronto film festival and apparently it details how Pat Robertson used the suffering of the Rwandan people to perpetuate a scam almost as reprehensible as the whole Jesus thing.

It’s hard to tell who cured more cholera and dissentary in the refugee camps, because Doctors Without Borders was there at the same time as Pat Robertson’s preachers.  That’s lots of doctors and lots of bibles, so . . . who’s to say?  

According to filmmakers David Turner and Lara Zizic, it might be fewer bibles than you think.  Robertson consistently exaggerated, distorted and misrepresented the extent of his charity’s work in Rwanda and used these lies and deceptions to bring in hundreds of millions of dollars, a very small percent of which actually wound up helping anyone but Pat Robertson.

It’s about now I’d normally compare him to a Bond villain, or a Die Hard villain . . .

But Pat Robertson is SO MUCH WORSE, because he’s actually a real person doing this shit in reality.  He raised money from gullible rednecks in the American south, to finance bullshit humanitarian aid to Rwandan refugee camps, but actually diverted the planes to service his secret blood diamond company!!!  All he’s missing is a disfiguring scar, and conspicuous red doomsday button that says DO NOT PRESS.   

If anybody’s out there investing in “rapture button” technology…

And just to fit the bad guy stereotype perfectly, and get a three week timeshare on Secret Bad Guy Island, his covert African diamond mining company is owned through those “offshore accounts” they always use.  I never understood those.  Is the money hidden in the ocean?  Why does offshore mean we can’t find these banks?  Yes it’s offshore, but we all still know where Bermuda is.  

Robertson denies these allegations and if you can’t trust the guy who said last week that gay people in San Francisco have secret rings with AIDS needles so they can infect straight people when they shake their fucking hands, congratulations, your brain still works.

Obviously a hoax . . . And if Pat Robertson had ever been to San Francisco, he would know that real gay people in San Francisco don’t shake hands . . . they dick bump.  

Yeah but to be fair, the ring idea would work for that, too.

Pat Robertson accused of fraud:

And protecting the rights of children to be stupid this week is the Islamic Society of Tampa Bay Area who are fighting for the right of their children to be the most undereducated in the Florida public school system.

Muslims and Christians love to compete … I guess “Dumbest Kids in Florida” is a fitting battle for those two groups.  We’re really talking about “Dumbest Adults in Florida” aren’t we?  And that’s a competitive category.  This is a state that was governed for eight years by a guy named Jeb.  

This story revolves around a letter being circulated by said society that twists the shit out of Florida law to make schools think they’re under some obligation to let kids out of school whenever god tells them to.  Titled “Religious Observance Early Dismissal Request Form”, the letter misrepresents several laws in an effort to excuse Muslim kids from school at 12:30pm to pray during a special holiday… called Friday.

What are we even talking about?  How disruptive could it be for the three Muslim students in all of Florida to leave early on Friday?

And, as the group points out, education obviously isn’t as important as everyone makes it up to be or they couldn’t get away with the grammatically dubious moniker “Islamic Society of Tampa Bay Area”.

This whole thing is suspicious though. Muslim families in Florida?!?  There’s no normal Muslim family stubborn enough to settle in Florida.  These are obviously deep sleeper cells.

Tampa Islamic group wants kids released early once a week to pray:

And from the “Equal Opportunity Inequality” file tonight, pastor Makeda Pennycooke is begging for forgiveness from Jesus and people who really exist this week after sending out a controversial email that encouraged her congregation to try to look less black.

As in more Barack, less Michelle?  Colored but not too colored?

No, Barack is still too black for her.  The email in question actually said that the church should work to put it’s best foot forward and make sure that the people greeting parishioners on Sunday morning should only be the best people, by which she meant the white people.  And don’t let the caucasian sounding name fool you, pastor Makeda Pennycooke is a sista.

I’d like to read a quote I made up, from the email:

“Our white workers will be at the front, and our workers of color will have a separate, but equally important job in the back of the house, much like a restaurant staff.”

Can’t imagine how that stirred up any trouble.

And while there is something of a silver lining in the realization that a black woman can hate the coloreds as well as any white man, I think we can all agree that it’s important that we continue to allow blacks in North Carolina to greet people outside of churches.  Otherwise they’ll have nothing at all to do on election day.

Black Pastor apologized for insisting that only white people should greet parishioners:

And in “We’ll just start our own universe and it’ll be way better than yours” news tonight the ongoing attempt to create a fully realized parallel reality for Christian children is one step closer to fruition this week with the announcement of the new queer-hatin’ alternative to the Boy Scouts, Trail Life USA.

The Brokeback Mountaineer issue strikes again.

Joining Christian versions of theme parks, museums, music, science, television, wikipedia, schools and Floridian Courthouses, this latest attempt to inculcate children with a Truman Show like inability to recognize that gays don’t have hooves and bifurcated tails is, of course, a response to the Boy Scouts recent partial backpedaling of it’s long standing official policy of demonizing an innocent segment of society.

Nothing says “The Boy Scouts of America no longer officially hates gays enough” . . . than starting your own all-male tent pitching squad.  

Scheduled for official launch on precisely the day that the Boy Scouts start letting the homos in, Trail Life USA promises to be (quote) “stronger, safer and more principled in every way” and co-founder and head redneck John Stemberger went out of his way to use hairy testicled phrases like “masculine outdoor program” when describing the program and how totally heterosexual it will be.

I think as a country, we’re pumping out more than enough homophobic outdoorsmen, without any additional youth outreach programs.  There’s an entire homophobic outdoorsmen genre on television.  We have an entire swath of this country that is clever enough to see the amazing rhyme potential of hatin’ queers and lovin’ steers, but fails to see the irony of preferring livestock anus to human male anus.

New Alternative to Boy Scouts for queer-hatin’ rednecks:

And finally tonight, in felonious coconut news, a delinquent drupe was detained by detectives in the Maldives last week under suspicions that the tropical fruit was possessed by an evil wizard who intended to use the dark coconut arts to influence an upcoming election.

I’m not sure how we could possibly mock religion here, but you were saying “evil coconut wizard” . . . go ahead.

The story begins, as magical coconut stories often do, when a concerned citizen noticed the suspicious brown orb outside a local school that was designated as an upcoming polling station.

Can a brown orb that is – in fact – a coconut, be suspicious in a country that has palm trees and coconuts everywhere?

Well, either it was noteworthy or this weird ass is just taken to closely examining the scattered fruits he comes across  One way of the other, he noticed that a Koranic verse was etched into it, meaning it could only be the work of a malicious sorcerer.

Or maybe one of the 100% of citizens that are Muslim, have Korans lying around, and have easy access to brown orbs.      

He contacted authorities who inexplicably did not tell him to fuck off and instead investigated the coconut and according to the terminology in every news report we could dig up, the coconut was… arrested.

Textbook profiling of an infidel spy.  Brown on the outside, white on the inside.

A local wizard was summoned by the police to determine the exact mystical properties of the suspect and to counteract its evil powers.  Because apparently Maldivians are idiots.  And before we get a bunch of emails about it, yes, Maldivian is the correct demonym.

And yes, “idiots” meaning “stupid people that believe in voodoo coconut election fraud” . . .   

And I can’t believe we didn’t mention this yet, but how does election fraud make any fucking difference in a theocracy?!?  

Fraudulent by definition.

Curse-carrying coconut arrested in the Maldives:

That’s gonna do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks again for joining me.

And when we come back, we’ll be doing that bit you were really looking forward to.



For the sake of your survival, you should really read the bible,

It’s the only moral guide you’ll ever need;

Think you found a contradiction? You must suffer some affliction,

Cause there ain’t no fucking fiction there to read.

For the sake of your salvation, believe in Biblical creation,

Learn these Jewish incantations, learn them well.

Why go through life just guessin’, when the bible teaches lessons,

Like the fabrics you can dress in; to bypass hell.

Well… God wrote that he wrote it.  Inside that’s clearly noted.

Just ask yourself, why would he lie?

God said that he said it.  Don’t you ever forget it.

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

For the sake of your society, you really should try piety,

It cloaks your improprieties, we swear.

We’ll accept your sinful vices, and my only real advice is,

If you put your life in Christ, you’re in the clear.

Don’t forget the basics, like the fact that god’s a racist,

And it’s okay if you’re a rapist, if you pay.

If you’ve committed genocide, it’s possibly justified,

If god hates the folks who died, it’s all okay.

The most immoral bastard, gets forgiven if he ask for,

A quick favor from his master in a jam.

What’s that? You’re no believer? Then gimme that book and leave, sir.

And if I seem a little eager; it’s cause I am.

After all…

God insists he insists it.  I’m not sure how you missed it.

Don’t see how that’s difficult to buy.

God revealed he revealed it, so I figured that sealed it.

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

God claimed that he claimed it.  All this time he’s maintained it.

You keep debatin’, but I don’t know why.

God declared he declares it, and he swore that he swears it,

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.



Now it’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.  This is the part of the show where we hope other people will write funny shit that we’ll tangentially get credit for and act as though we have some kind of expertise or special knowledge that qualifies us to answer questions.

So our first email comes from Milton in New Jersey City and he asks:

When is it okay to tell Christians to go fuck themselves?

Any time after 3pm and all day Sunday

And to clarify, any time is OKAY.  I think he means, “When is it BEST to tell Christians to go fuck themselves?”

Right.  And I think it’s worth noting that Heath and I have pretty lax personal “Go fuck yourself” thresholds even for New Yorkers so I’m saying it’s okay any time you’re saying to yourself, “I’m done talking to this Christian and I have no interest in eventually having sex with them.”

Our next comment comes from the blog.  Ken loves the show but offered a not-exactly-correction to our story in episode 29 about the Salvation Army attending a South African Porn Convention to (quote) “be available”.

Ken points out that the Salvation Army often goes to these types of events to be available for potential victims of sex trafficking and abuse, which, we didn’t mention because we were busy making apartheid dick jokes.

And it’s probably a good thing that we didn’t know about that angle.  We clearly would have made sex slave rape jokes that were way worse than mere apartheid dick jokes.  

Also, I don’t recommend using our notoriously dick-joke-laden headlines segment as a single source news program.

Our next email comes to us all the way from wherever Brandon is from.  And Brandon writes us to ask what he can do about the Jehovah’s Witnesses that keep showing up at his door.

Hm… great question.  My first thought on this one requires a wheelbarrow, a holocaust cloak and Andre the Giant but he’s dead so that won’t work.

“Do I want some literature about Jesus?  No.  But do you want some weed?”

I find that wearing nothing but a necktie when you come to the door works with varying levels of success depending on what you tie it around.

Sometimes I like to lower a basket down from the second floor window, and yell “It puts the propaganda in the basket!!!”  Then they get the hose regardless.  

Okay, so here’s my serious answer.  I say you invite ‘em in, get ‘em a drink and let them give you the whole spiel for their little cult.  But the whole time have this episode playing on the stereo in the background.  Make sure it’s loud enough that they can hear it the whole time, but not loud enough to drown them out.

Until you reach this part.  And then you turn it up really loud so that they know that you’ve been fucking with them the whole time and delaying them from spreading their filthy virus to anyone else while you made them listen to the Bible song.  And if they’re still in the room they can hear me tell them to go fuck themselves while they’re gathering up all their Jesus stuff.

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, send us more questions.

You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.


Before we lock it up for the night I wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s show.  If you were looking for the interview I did on the A Matter of Doubt Podcast and were surprised to discover that I was actually ex-Jehovah’s Witness Kenny Wyland, that’s because I fucked up the episode number.  I said episode 54, but it was actually episode 56 that you wanted.  Not that episode 54 didn’t kick ass or anything, I just wasn’t on it.

And if you were looking for the live broadcast I did on CWebb’s Sunday School, well, sorry about that, too.  An hour after I published the episode I learned that the time had been pushed back from 5 to 4:30.  Sorry if you missed it live; it was a fun panel discussion on the biblical prophecies surrounding the destruction of Damascus.  It’s on CWebb’s archives now if you’d like to catch up.  You’ll find a link in the shownotes, of course.

And because I’m apparently a total podcast whore, you’ll also be able to catch me on the extremely funny Imaginary Friend Show with Jake Farr-Wharton in the next few days.  I believe the episode will be up this weekend and as soon as I know the date, I’ll be posting it on our Facebook page, our blog and our Twitter feed, all of which you should probably follow just in case.

Can’t close the show without thanking Heath for everything he does to make this show have Heath in it.  I also need to thank Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality podcast for providing this week’s embellished Farnsworth quote.  He’s a rising star in the podcast community and if you check his show out you’ll find out why.  Can’t recommend it enough if you haven’t heard him already.  And if you’re presently kicking yourself for that oversight, calm down, you’ll find a link to his show in the show notes for this episode.

I also need to thank Heath’s roommate for our kick ass new logo.  We’ll be setting up a Cafe Press site this week if you’re dying to get a customized Scathing Atheist T-Shirt, coffee mug, iPhone cover, whatever.  That stuff should be available no later than Sunday so there’s plenty of time to do all your Jesus-Day shopping right there.

And lastly, of course, I need to thank this week’s most shining examples of humanity, Kevin, Richard, Brian, Andrew and Magnus.  Kevin, who once defeated the devil himself in arm-wrestling and scrabble at the same time, with the same hand; Richard, a man whose bravery and intelligence redefines redefinition; Brian, who shall rescue humanity in it’s darkest hour atop his mighty steed, Poof the Fabulous Dragon; Andrew whose army of robot spiders and amazon love warriors are the envy of supervillains everywhere; and Magnus whose name is so fucking cool that I don’t have to add any imaginative descriptors to increase the perception of his awesomeness.

These five noble philanthropists have conquered the final task in their path to glorification by giving us money.  Not everyone has the gallantry, luminosity and sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you’ve got what it takes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help but you only love us as a friend, you can also show your appreciation and help us out a ton by swinging over to iTunes and leaving us a glowing review.  We really appreciate everybody who takes the time to stroke our ego and help our iTunes ranking.  You can also help us out by telling your friends about the show or sharing an episode on Facebook or Twitter or whatever.

Oh, and listen to us on Stitcher if you’re into that kind of thing.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.