Here’s Hoping Heaven Has a Leash Law
by Noah Lugeons
For fuck’s sake, there’s something called the Christian Veterinary Mission.
I know this because among the many awesome and generous people who listen to the show is a veterinarian. She was recently at a conference and sent along a little care package full of goodies she’d picked up there for our cats. Along with some new toys, some flea medicine, and a bounty of cool shwag were a few pamphlets from the Christian Veterinary Mission.
The first one shows a little pug with his head cocked in that adorable “curious puppy” way and above him is the burning question “Will I See My Pet In Heaven?” and believe it or not, it gets stupider from there. When you open it up, you find a dodgy answer to that question and boy do they cover their bases. They offer up three contradictory possibilities, inadvertently highlighting the stupidity of asking questions for which no data could possibly be collected, and then they offer an unrelated bible verse.
So why create an entire pamphlet if your ultimate answer to the question you, yourself posed is “Fucked if we know?” It turns out it was all a trick. The rest of the pamphlet takes the “Who gives a shit about Fido, what makes you so sure you’re going to heaven?” tack.
It’s essentially a chick tract in pug’s clothing, but it serves as a perfect reminder that those motherfuckers are everywhere. Think about it; there’s an entire ministry that exists for the sole purpose of evangelizing to veterinarians at conferences. They sponsor veterinary missions where you can go out and medicate goats in third world countries for Jesus. Because who needs the word of god more than a third world villager who’s injuring his goat?
Somewhere out there is an enterprising Christian trying to figure out the best way to proselytize to Norwegian, bipolar semi-professional left-handed bowlers. And when she figures it out, she’ll have financial backing. It’s depressing to see how far-reaching the opponents of reason are, but it’s encouraging to see how desperate they are. After all, there was a time when they could sell Jesus without resorting to cute pugs with cocked heads. Pretty soon they’ll have their own computer animated gecko.