Archive
First 50 Diatribes Now Available as an E-Book
by Noah Lugeons
I said I’d have it available on Thursday and I missed that deadline by 32 minutes. But at 12:32 EDT on Friday, the first collection of diatribes went up on the Kindle Store.
I should note that there’s a bit of an error in the appendices which will be updated and the cover art will be updated within the next few days. As it stands, the cover of the book looks an awful lot like a pack of cigarettes and we can’t have that. But the important thing is that the words are all there, they’re all in order and they’re spelled correctly.
You can find the book by clicking here. At the moment it’s exclusively available on the Kindle Store, but we should have it available in all the fine e-book retail locations shortly.
It’s worth pointing out that more than a third of the 247 page book is all new material. The first fifty diatribes are there, each of them with a brief introduction, and many of them have been greatly expanded since there was no longer a need to fit them into an allotted time. If you’d like to get a feel for what you’re going to get, you can “Look Inside” from the Amazon page and read the introduction and the first chapter.
I should also point out that if you’ve listened to a significant number of the first 50 episodes, in my opinion you’re qualified to leave us a glowing review on the Kindle Store as well.
Episode 57 – Partial Transcript
by Noah Lugeons and Heath Enwright
(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out to fill the time allotted)
Warning: This podcast contains adult language, and you better not tell. And if you do, I will rip the heads off of all your stuffed animals. I swear to god, I will!
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Muslim outreach program, “Million Man March Madness”. Fill out your brackets and predict which faith will reign supreme in the coming Muslim inspired global religious war and you could win six dozen virgins of your choice.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday!
It’s March 20th!
And I’m not a breast man, or an ass man … as much as a throat man.
I’m Noah Lugeons
And I’m Heath Enwright and from “Oral Sexy” New York, New York
And “Moral Sexy” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode,
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We learn that explosions above 110th street in Manhattan don’t count as terrorism,
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We’ll find a Jewish holiday that doesn’t suck,
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And Noah will fuck up the George Hrab interview.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
It seems like me and Russell Crowe’s mom are the only people on the planet looking forward to the new Noah’s Ark movie. And no, it’s not because they named the movie after me.
Look, this is Darren Aronofsky here. We’re talking about a guy whose movies to this point have been about a mathematician, an old lady on diet pills, a grieving biologist, a professional wrestler and a ballerina. And all of them have been epic. I’m guessing he can do something with a antediluvian zookeeper, too.
But clearly I’m in the minority and it seems like hating this movie is one of the few things that religious people and atheists can do together. Everybody seems to have a reason, and the atheist reason is the least stupid, but it’s still stupid.
Christians are mad because the movie isn’t “historically accurate”. I haven’t seen it yet (and neither have they), but if you’re keeping up with the buzz, clearly Aronofsky’s taking plenty of artistic license with the story. I mean… he kind of has to, since the Bible devotes about 2000 words to the Noah story. You can read the whole thing out loud in six minutes. If he’d stayed true to the bible it would’ve been less of a feature film and more of a Vine.
Muslims are pissed about it because Noah’s a prophet and you’re not supposed to depict a prophet because they want to avoid the whole “fuckable Jesus” thing that Son of God touched off. And I should say that I’m being damn liberal with my description of what’s pissing the Muslims off here; since I could just as easily have said, “Muslims are pissed off about it because it’s a thing and they’re Muslims.”
Jews haven’t come out against the movie yet, but as Bill Maher points out, they will when they see the Box Office returns.
So what about atheists? Well, from what I can gather, a bunch of us are pissed off because it’s a movie about Noah’s Ark. I’ve gotten messages from a number of our listeners lamenting the release of this film as yet another hyper-religious cinematic debacle on par with “Passion of Christ”, “Son of God” or “Man of Steel”. “Do we need yet another big-budget, CGI enhanced sermon on the silver screen?”
I’ve surprised a lot of those listeners by telling them that I’ll be watching it on opening night… though I’ll probably have to drive out of town to see it. I’m fired up to see what a brilliant director with a stellar cast and a giant vat of money can do with this fairy tale. And I’m no more bothered by the religiosity of this movie than I am with the religiosity of Wrath of the Titans. Biblical stories should be fable-fodder for film makers.
Look, I have issues with the Judeo-Christian religions, but their mythology is cool. When we can look at Jesus and Satan the same way we look at Odin and Chronos, we’re done. We win. Pop the champagne. And I look at this movie as a step in that direction.
Clearly we’re not there. The fact that Paramount caved to the demands of the blithering Christies and added a disclaimer to the movie against Aronofsky’s will pisses me off to no end. There was no disclaimer apologizing to vikings for the historical inaccuracies in “Thor: The Dark World” and Jesus doesn’t deserve any better.
But when I hear atheists denounce this movie for its religiosity, that strikes me as petty. There might be plenty of great reasons to denounce this flick and I fear I’ll know what they are on March 29th, but Darren Aronofsky, in addition to being one the most visionary directors in a generation, is an atheist. He didn’t make this movie to preach the gospel.
In fact, knowing his penchant for dark, disturbing stories, I’m willing to bet that he made this movie because the source material is the most diabolical story known to humanity.
But I’ve got a guess here, and this is pure speculation so take it with a grain of salt, but I don’t think any Christians are really getting pissed about the (airquote) historical inaccuracies. I think they’ll be okay with the fiery sword and the flaming angels and stuff. What’s really gonna rile them up are the accuracies. If you think about all the horror, destruction and waterlogged corpses that make up the flood myth, this thing could make Requiem for a Dream look like a Disney Movie with an ass to ass dildo scene.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is “no longer suspected of racism” Heath Enwright. Heath, how do you feel?
I love black people!!!
Must I now show you the money?
Podcasting is all about the Georges and Abes. In our lead story tonight, from the “Mysterious Ways” file, God fire-bombed an East Harlem church, killing eight people (including five parishioners), yet local Christians remain faithful, because they found an old bible in the rubble. Several Kindle copies were also recovered. So luckily, the rare information isn’t lost forever.
Yeah, New York god does that shit. He’s like, “Yeah, whadda ya gonna do? Three thousand souls in a terrorist attack? Sorry about that, but did you notice the little cross I made in the wreckage?” So I’m just saying there’s precedent.
Let’s ignore – for the moment – the fact that religious people exhibit the psychoses of domestic abuse victims … I won’t even mention that … Instead, let’s try to figure out what it means that several large, glass dildos were also found in the wreckage, completely intact. Could this be evidence that a second coming is imminent?!? Finish times are near???
God kills 8 in NYC explosion, saves bible: http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/uptown/decades-old-bible-east-harlem-church-survives-blast-article-1.1723125
And in “Edited to fill the Space Time Odyssey Allotted” news, an Oklahoma Fox affiliate is facing criticism over some impromptu local editing to the Cosmos remake. In episode one of the new series, my second favorite living astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson took a minute to talk about evolution, but you wouldn’t know it if you were watching KOKH Fox 25, as the station chose to accidentally interrupt this moment of the show with a promo for a news story about a professional redneck killing things with a bow.
How do you censor a science program about evolution?!? Blur out the beaks of the finches?!?
Oklahoma viewers say the second episode, which was all about evolution, was free of interruption, though many of them criticized the show for spending too little time on biological diversity and too much time on Shirley Temple hanging out with her curmudgeonly grandfather in the Swiss Alps.
OK Fox affiliate cuts references to evolution from Cosmos Broadcast: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/13/oklahoma-station-cut-cosmos-evolution-video_n_4958024.html?&ir=Religion&ncid=tweetlnkushpmg00000055
And in “Allah Carte Only” news, Saudi cleric Saleh al-Fawzan figured out why Muslims kept going to hell, so he declared a fatwa banning all-you-can-eat buffets. Basically, everything that happens in Vegas … is illegal in Riyadh. And it’s the gambling – not the gluttony – that makes the buffet unkosher. Essentially, the restaurant is betting against the Cool Hand Luke-ability of each patron to eat crazy amounts of buffet food, like – for example – fifty hard-boiled eggs.
I can think of plenty of good reasons to avoid buffets, but the sinful failure to itemize the expenditure doesn’t make my list. Must be nice to live in a country that has all the real problems fixed so they can focus on meaningless bullshit.
Right, it’s not like they’ll be a completely useless desert in 50 years. Anyway, according to Musa Furber – another Muslim scholar who also possesses fatwa powers: (quote) “The Sheikh’s reasoning is that the value and quantity of what is sold should be pre-determined before it is purchased.” (end quote) … But that’s stupid, because “all-you-can-eat” is a pre-determined amount. And … That’s an impossible standard for everyone, not just buffets. How many dead crabs in each bowl of bisque? What’s the milligram weight of a parsley dusting? How many salt grains on a margarita glass?
38,606. Not sure on the parsley or the crabs, though.
One more question … When Saudi royalty hijacks the entire national oil industry to pay for their shitty sober yacht parties … And then makes billions on top of that from sales and trading in the oil market … And then tricks its citizens into being okay with not sharing the enormous profits by running a brain-crushing theocracy … Is that what the Koran intended in their commerce clause?
Saudi cleric declared anti-buffet Fatwa: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/15/buffet-ban-fatwa-saudi-cleric_n_4971190.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And in “Sub-Zero Wins” news tonight, the followers of Indian Guru Ashutosh Maharaj insist that their leader is in deep meditation despite the fact that he’s both dead and frozen solid. Despite medical confirmation of his death, his followers insist that he’s in a deep form of meditation that traditionally begins with three deep breaths and a massive coronary.
Well these men are nihilists, which is exhausting. Death? Infinite Ice Nap? Are we splitting hairs?
It’s worth noting that there’s probably more to this than stupidity. Apparently there have been accusations that the followers are claiming he’s still alive in an effort to maintain control of property owned by the guru. Which is exactly the plot of Weekend at Bernie’s.
But these guys really thought it out pretty well. If the dead guy just has to sit still inside an ice block and meditate, they don’t have to pull off all the whacky dancing antics. Bad movie, but a good con. It’s like an awful David Blaine trick as an entire movie. It’s a David Blaine show.
Followers insist their dead, frozen guru is “just meditating”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/14/dead-frozen-indian-guru-ashutosh-maharaj-is-just-meditating-followers-insist/
And in “Hanukkah of St. Patrick’s Day” news, Israelis get wasted for Purim, so the National Police carried out raids on kiosks, clubs, and parks last Saturday, to prevent the illegal sale of drugs and alcohol to all the young partygoers that somehow have vices, despite god.
And those Hassidic stoners are hard core. Have you ever seen kosher cocaine? Plus they can’t use fire on the Sabbath so they have to mainline most of their shit. And their needles are curly.
Coincidentally, this holiday finds its Biblical origin in the book of Esther, and it’s therefore a mitzvah to read Esther this time of year. So like it or not, Yahweh owes us one mitvah credit, because we’ll be talking about that very book on next week’s Holy Babble. I’m hoping to save up mitzvah credits, and redeem them for the giant stuffed Moses.
If we pool ours together we might be able to get a plague of locusts… which would be awesome at a revival.
According to a genuine Jewish person, who learned this from a Rabbi … Another part of Purim tradition – beyond drunken debauchery – involves eating a vagina-inpsired cookie called hamentashen. I’m a feminist … Let’s roll with it …
30 seconds on the clock for “Genital-Inspired Holidays and Their Related Foods”
The… what? Alright, that’s hard… you go first.
Yeah it’s a weird one … The hamentashen works better as a tradition for Gash Wednesday …
PuRim Jobs, on the other hand, call for Felch’s Grape Jelly.
Tits-mas – Milk and coochies.
All Taints Day – Drizzlings of Warm Papal Syrup
St. Fat Dick’s Day – No food, of course; but the traditional drinks would be Cocke’s Single Malt or maybe a Pud-weiser.
Yanksgiving – Cans Full of Manberry Sauce
Which immediately precedes Hairy Palm Sunday – Jerked Chicken
Swalloween – And the tradition would be Twizzlers as a felching straw? Jizzlers. (…)
How about the Jewish celebration of Ass-over where they Harvest Pudding from Matzo Balls?
Twinko De Mayo – Cream Filled Hostesses
Vaginese New Year – Twat and Sour Soup
Girth Day – Gapin’ Egg and Cheese
Rama-dangly Bits – But there’s no food because you’re not supposed to swallow.
Israeli police raid drug and alcohol kiosks to curtail Purim partying: http://www.jpost.com/National-News/Police-mark-Purim-with-kiosk-drug-and-youth-drinking-raids-345522
And on that fatwa bait, we’ll close out the headlines for tonight. Heath, thanks as always.
Jew-Manji!
And when we come back, George Hrab will cause me to go all unwittingly fanboy.
Outro:
Before we blow out the candles tonight I wanted to issue two apologies and a correction. A few weeks ago I declared Dave our most generous donor of all time without realizing that David also donated on the same week which led to a bit of confusion, especially after I played a Farnsworth quote from David who mistakenly thought he was our most generous donor of all time. So I want to apologize to both Dave and David for all the confusion. I also want to apologize to everyone for the confusing apology.
I also wanted to update everyone on the status of the diatribe book. It should still be available on the day this episode is released, though it might not be available until late in the day. It’ll be on e-book retailers across the interwebs and we’ll have all the info on how to purchase your copy on the website so keep up with us there or look for it online “The Scathing Atheist Presents: Diatribes, Volume One; 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”
Also, if you don’t subscribe to our YouTube channel you’re missing out. We just posted the first illustrated version of Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids, complete with animated ass-hamster so I strongly encourage you to check us out there. You can find a link on the shownotes to this episode, on our Facebook page, on our Twitter timeline and, of course, our YouTube channel.
Wanna wish a happy birthday to friend of the show Wesley from the Atheist Nomads podcast, who has grown quite adept at orbiting the sun over the years. Happy birthday bro, here’s to many more.
Of course I have to thank Heath for his Occam’s Razor sharp wit, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show and I need to toss out one more big thanks to the funkiest caucasian from the Caucasus, George Hrab. Once again, you’ll find links to his music, his podcast and more on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
http://www.geologicpodcast.com/
Also need to thank Tanner Campbell of the No God Cast Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote. He’s doing some really innovative stuff with fundraisers, secular partnerships and community building so I’d strongly encourage you to check out his show, which you’ll also find linked on the shownotes for this episode.
But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s best people; Tim, Wesley, April, Kenny, Howard, Steve, David, Shelby, Vinne, Geoff, Cliff, Liam, Jeffrey and Aiden. Tim and Wesley, whose erections are measured on the Mohs Scale; April and Kenny, whose very proximity is considered a performance enhancing drug; Howard and Steve, who kill up to 99.9% of harmful bacteria on contact; David and Shelby, who are so intriguing Waldo looks for them; Vinnie and Geoff, whose orgasms register on seismometers; Cliff and Liam, whose swordsmanship continue to keep the interdimensional invaders at bay; and Jeffrey and Aiden, who are so sexy the very mention of their surnames just made 8% of our audience come.
These fourteen noble and valiant souls have earned their way into both my heart and my outro this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the combination of generosity, sophistication and raw sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you have what it takes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
A number of people have also contacted us to see if they can support us through Patreon (dot) com. We’re setting up an account there this week so we’ll have more details on episode 58, along with more details on where and how you can buy the book.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Diatribe E-Book Coming Soon
by Noah Lugeons
We’ve been talking it up on the show for weeks and you may even have heard an ad for it on another fine audio program. Rest assured, the Diatribe Collection will be available soon. We hope to have a link up by midnight tomorrow night and when we do, you’ll find it here first.
The title was a little tricky, I must admit. We wanted to make it clear to our audience what they were getting and we wanted to make it clear to people who’d never heard of the show what they were getting as well. After much discussion, we settled on:
“The Scathing Atheist Presents: DIATRIBES, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”
I know that it’s a real mouth full, but on the plus side, it’s possible that a Scientologist will buy it after an insufficient scan of the title and with a little luck we can save their children from some very quiet psychological abuse.
Episode 56 Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
Warning: This podcast contains all the words you can’t say on television except cocksucker.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new all natural cure for Resurrectile Dysfunction, Holy Cialis. Do you have a savior who just can’t rise like he used to? Is your deity suffering from OmnImpotence?
Then try Holy Cialis: Because we could even make the Flying Spaghetti Monster Al Dente
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s March 13th
And we’re on the cusp of hot coffee and iced coffee season. Can’t decide!!!
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from spontaneously explosive New York, New York,
And extraneously erosive Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
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A Kenyan Pastor will half ass the nudist church thing,
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We’ll step right up, step right up and learn all about the most unbelievable, inconceivable, incredible, inedible, stupendous and tremendous tonic this side of the Mississippi.
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And Mark Nebo – from BeSecular – will show us the difference between a beard ride and a mustache ride.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe
“The lord works in mysterious ways.” It’s the first apologetic most of us ever heard. It’s the one they needed when you were seven years old and critically examining Noah’s Ark or Adam and Eve’s brood of sibling fuckers. It was the one they trotted out when you asked what kind of dick god would kill your turtle or your grandma. God has a plan and it’s mysterious and we petty humans with our mortal intellects can never begin to comprehend it.
It was also probably the first apologetic you ever debunked. If you were anything like me, you did so as soon as it occurred to you that that sentence could be used to justify and/or excuse exactly everything. There is no logical inconsistency too great, no direct contradiction too big, no genocide too horrible to refute with it: While we live on his planet, we live by his rules. And we don’t know what they are. Because he’s mysterious.
It may also have occurred to you that it makes god’s followers sound an awful lot like a battered spouse. Yes, sometimes he does things that are mean and sometimes they hurt but I know that deep down he really does love me. And he knows what’s best for me so I’m sure I had that typhoon coming.
But there’s way more wrong with the statement than it’s circular nature. For the longest time I just wrote it off as a meaningless, useless turn of phrase; a rhetorical tinfoil hat that represented the closest a believer was allowed to get to conceding in a religious discussion. But it came up again the other day and I started giving it another look. And it turns out that it was even stupider than I thought it was.
Okay, so you normally hear this when something horrible has happened, right? A bus full of kindergarteners explodes or an earthquake hits one of those flies-on-your-face countries and a bunch of people die. And the religious folks have this sudden pang of cognition and they say, “Hey wait a minute… a loving god wouldn’t do this! Either there’s no god or there is and he’s an asshole!”
And then they remember that the lord works in mysterious ways and they’re too feeble to understand them. It allows them to shut off that part of the brain that does the thinking and it works so fast that their brains shut down before they realize that no amount of intelligence makes an act stop being evil.
Hannibal Lecter was a fucking genius. I don’t have to ‘understand his ways’ to know that eating census takers with fava beans is evil. I don’t have to know why Hitler killed jews to know it’s evil. Sure, Hitler works in mysterious ways. But that doesn’t excuse anything he fucking did!.
When people excuse god’s ruthless savagery by appealing to his mysteriousness, I want to ask them exactly how much smarter than them I’d have to be before it would be moral for me to give them cancer… to invent cancer and then give it to them. Think about it. They’re saying that there’s a certain line of superior intelligence where suddenly every horrible atrocity ever committed in the history of humankind becomes okay. God let it happen and who am I to question his great wisdom? So logically speaking, there has to be a cut off.
And yet still there’s more wrong with this absurd excuse. Because when it comes down to it, god doesn’t work in mysterious ways. Reprehensible? Sure. Merciless? Certainly. But mysterious? If god worked in mysterious ways, I might believe he existed. If sometimes when I opened my back door it led to the Himalayas, I’d say, “well shit, there goes god again, working in his mysterious ways.” But it always leads to the backyard. Scientists and statisticians don’t have to work in a variable to account for the “mysteriousness” factor.
As it turns out, god behaves in an absolutely predictable manner. He works in the way that is precisely consistent with not existing. And there’s nothing mysterious about that at all.
Headlines
Joining me for headlines tonight is still misunderstood Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to re-clear the air?
I don’t know how many times I’ve gotta explain this sarcasm thing.
In the defense of your detractors, I think they know that you’re being sarcastic and still somehow think you’re sexist and/or racist..
I don’t get it … Plus, some of my closest N-words are female N-words.
Yeah, that should clear up the inbox.
With an ‘A’ … N-words with an ‘A’ !!!
Anyway, in our lead story tonight, Oklahoma doctor (slash) Ohio felon John Michael Lonergan has developed a magical Jesus-based lifelong cure for all ailments and would be happy to squirt some into your body for three hundred bucks. Known alternately as Dr. Lonergan, “Dr. Mike” and that felonious snakeoil salesman in Edmond, this quack claims to have co-created this magic potion while serving as a special forces doctor and calls it (I shit you not) “Jesus Juice”.
According to the data, this ‘Jesus Juice’ stuff is just as effective as the Catholic Mass hangover cure. So let’s not be too skeptical. Priests charge about 300 dollars for a backwashed public goblet of Jesus blood, right? Same deal.
Prayer, Jesus Juice, homeopathy… Now I think it’s worth noting that Lonergan had his medical license revoked by the state of Ohio in 2005 after he was convicted of, among other things, health care fraud. But it would seem that one of the things Oklahoma is OK with is allowing convicted felons straight out of prison to provide fraudulent medical treatments to its citizenry.
Whenever I hear Oklahoma, I can’t help but picture entire towns breaking out into choreographed redneck musical numbers. Oklahoma is to legitimate medical license … as Phoenix Degree is to PHD.
Doctor/Felon in OK injecting miracle “Jesus” shot for $300 per: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/03/05/oklahomas-dr-mike-allowed-to-continue-injecting-miraculous-jesus-shot-for-300-a-pop/#.Uxk0-maM0DU.facebook
And in “Just 15% of the bill, just for a second, just to see how it feels” news, Tennessee pastor Chad Roberts has launched a website called “SundaysAreTheWorst.com”, where he aims to help address the problem of Christians being bad tippers. The site gives angry waitstaff a place to vent about awful patrons, and Pastor Roberts hopes to have parishioners make apologies for each complaint. However, rather than also send an appropriate tip, they plan to reimburse with food stamps, because restaurant workers are all drug addicts.
Then why not reimburse them with rock?
Somehow it’s politically incorrect to point out the following self-evident truth … But that’s what I’m here for, so here it is … Unless every demographic group is equally pleasant and generous at restaurants, then certain groups are worse. Ask every single restaurant employee ever, and you can find out which groups. And their derogatory euphemism code names. Christians (aka Cross Trainers) will not fare well on this test. And the pamphlet-tips just make it worse.
Yeah. Because you can’t trade Chick Tracts for rock. Believe me, I’ve tried. “C’mon man, I’ve got four ‘The Only Hopes’ and a ‘Satan Comes to Salem’ for a crumb… alright then let me lick your pockets for a ‘Holy Joe’.”
A Cornell study from 2010 tried to claim that a false perception exists, but then quickly contradicted itself: (quote) “While it is statistically false to say that Christians are bad tippers, it is true that Christians are more likely to stiff their servers than people of other religious (or non-religious) bents.” Being more likely to stiff your server means bad tipper!!!
And they try to explain that away by saying “Christians aren’t abnormally bad tippers, it’s just that Jews and atheists are abnormally good tippers. I swear, that’s actually what they say in the published version of the study.
Public Food-Service Announcement: Restaurants are legally allowed to pay waiters and waitresses less than minimum wage, based on the assumption that they receive 15-20% tips on sales. These servers also have to pay out a percentage of their sales to busboys, food runners, etc, based on this same 15-20% assumption. If you tip less than that, your presence at the table can COST the server money … Not to mention the tips lost had there NOT been six cheap bastards in their real estate for two hours.
I’m Lucinda Lugeons and I approved this message.
Pastor starts website to make amends for bad-tipping Chrisitians: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/09/on-sundays-are-the-worst-website-a-pastor-tries-to-make-amends-for-poor-tipping-by-christians
And from the “turning off the bigot spigot” file tonight, the Kentucky Baptist Convention has cut off funds to a group called “Sunrise Children’s Services” after the group’s controversial pseudo-embrace of tolerance and human equality. Sunrise Children’s Services is the largest private child care agency in Kentucky and stands to lose over seven and a half million dollars annually because of god’s seething hatred for the gays.
So they’re diverting funds from a child care service that isn’t anti-gay enough … Based on reading several headlines a week over the last year on the subject, the church’s child care policies don’t seem to be anti-gay at all. In fact, the diverted funds will likely help pay for lawsuits confirming my suspicions.
Sunrise, formerly known as “Kentucky Baptist Homes for Children” is one of the many groups that are legally exempted from basic human decency because of their religious affiliation. Despite their divinely dictated and government protected right to discriminate against people they don’t like, they considered not summarily dismissing qualified employees on the grounds of who they fuck.
“We set this up on a silver platter for you. We all read the Bible. We all sincerely hate gays. You’re legally allowed to do that now, and we’ll pay you 7.5 million dollars to just keep doing that.” That happened, and the homophobic ploy didn’t work. When multi-million dollar bribes can’t keep your shitty platform going, it’s time to stop having a platform.
The important thing to keep in mind here is that the group didn’t start hiring gays. They just considered it. Briefly. And then rejected it. And then forced the guy who brought it up to resign in disgrace. And the Kentucky Baptist Convention is still withholding those funds.
Kentucky children’s group loses donations from Baptists because they hire the gays: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/08/sunrise-childrens-service-baptist-donations_n_4919227.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And in “Meet Joe Blackface” news, Kentucky pastor Joe Pickens performed what would have been a terrible impression of Mr. T as Clubber Lang from “Rocky 3” … if it weren’t for the blackface … as a crowd of minor league zealots at the National Young Fundamentalist Conference laughed and applauded.
How the hell can anyone not know that blackface is offensive? Are you kidding me? That’s like not knowing that dinosaurs preceded mankind or that trees can’t be older… than the… planet they’re on… nevermind.
Apparently they decided to dress up as professional athletes for crowd appeal, but when someone suggested the New York basketball team, nobody made sure Pastor Pickens knew that it’s pronounced ‘Knicker’, and they’re not boxers. “I said we should all dress up as Knickerbockers! Knicker-bockers!!!”
And if I’m not mistaken, blackface is double racist if you wear it while you’re not fucking Whoopi Goldberg.
Ted Danson at the roast joke – nicely done! “No blackface” is a social NORM!!! So I’m thinking maybe we can give them some classier racist skit ideas for next year …
30 seconds on the clock for “Bigoted Sports Teams and Athletes” – GO!!!
Washington Redskins
Good start – It’s definitely a good thing that it’s not the Cleveland Brownskins …
But I mean like Pittsburgh Ass Pirates, Montreal Canadiens
Um… the Towel Head-menton Oilers
Phoenix Sons of the Confederacy … Really, anything in Arizona works.
Yeah, I was gonna go with the Diamond Wetbacks.
Anaheim Mighty Duck Dynasty
Los Klan-geles Angels… of Ku Klux Klaneheim
Dwayne Wades, but can’t swim???
Does he still play for the Miami Hebes?
Or the Miami Sheet … with eye-holes cut out.
What about … Kevin DurAnt Jemima
Do gays count as an oppressed minority? I mean… even if it’s based on a sincerely held religious belief? Cause if so I’ll go with the Brown Bay Packers.
Tar Babe Ruth …
“Jungle Fever Pitch: Curse of the Tar Babe”
Manchester Confederated
White people in blackface … AKA “Going Richie Incognito”
The U! …genics.
Hanging Chad Ocho Cinco- Move on quickly!!! Segue!!! Segue!!!
Kentucky pastor performs “comedy” bit in blackface: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/08/at-baptist-fundamentalist-conference-in-kentucky-a-white-pastor-just-performed-in-blackface/
And finally tonight, in “Heath definitely wasn’t suggesting hanging a black guy” news…
And just to clarify one more time, I was talking about the appalling disenfranchisement of black voters in the American South.
Of course you were. So in “changing the subject” news, Kenyan pastor Reverend Njohi explains that Jesus is yet another of the many things that can’t come until you take off your panties. After a recent meeting of the church’s elders, the good pervert passed an edict banning women from attending services at the church if they were wearing a bra or panties.
As for the Kenyan churgoing commandos, the fact that it’s only the women is suspicious. Something smells Jesus fishy. If they’re hangin’ Pinky, I’m hangin’ Brain.
Njohi defended his decision by explaining that people attending church need to be free in body and spirit to receive Christ. When it was pointed out to him that those are just a series of words that lack any meaning or explanatory power, he added that Jesus loves the pussy. No word yet on how panties effect intravenous injections of Jesus.
You think the women are allowed to wear gags and muzzles?
African Pastor: Women can’t receive the lord if they’re wearing panties: http://jezebel.com/pastor-bans-women-from-wearing-any-underwear-in-church-1535717901
I guess we should close out headlines before the inevitable strapon questions arise.
Too late.
Right. Well, Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
And when we come back, Mark Nebo will join us for a little secular innuendo.
Poems:
The Book of Ezra in Rhyme:
Yet another book of the bible devoted
To making it hard for a biblical poet.
They’ve built this damned temple three times before,
Complete with altars and censers and golden decor.
Then they stripped it and shipped it to Babylonian rulers,
Where the bankers and smithies and merchants and jewelers
Bought it all so the kingdom was able to get
More soldiers to take even more of their shit.
Their temple was ruined and a few were desirous,
To rebuild it so they went to see the noble king Cyrus.
He granted them audience and to their amazement,
When provoked he revoked their terms of enslavement.
So with a word from the sovereign, the exile was finished,
Their wealth and their health and their passion diminished,
But they went back to Judah with singers and priests,
And anointed the temple with bloodthirsty feasts.
Then they gathered up mortar and lumber and bricks,
But unfortunately Judah is surrounded by dicks.
For example, Rehum, looked on Jews with disdain,
So he started a vicious letter writing campaign.
He spread rumors and lies and showed them no mercy;
He slowed down so many Jews you’d think he governed New Jersey.
And just when their situation seemed most precarious,
They got a reprieve from another king, Darius.
So the temple was finished, rebuilt to its glory,
And if this wasn’t the bible, that’d be the end of the story.
Ezra’d reclaimed the most holy of places,
But you can’t be a biblical hero if you’re not also a racist.
So when he heard that some exiles took foreigner wives,
He laments and repents and threatens their lives.
And since god’s such a bigot, they do what’s humane,
And sent their wives and their children away in the rain.
Nehemiah in Rhyme:
And for the book of Nehemiah, I offer something a little more of the “short and sweet” variety:
Nehemiah sat on a wall,
After Jerusalem had a great fall.
All the king’s horses, and all the kings men,
Helped him put it together again.
Outro
Before we let the dogs out tonight, I wanted to remind everybody that we should have the first fifty diatribes available as an ebook by this time next week. So be on the look out for “Diatribes Volume One: 50 Essays from a Godless Misanthrope” coming soon to an Amazon store near you. We’ll obviously have more on that on next week’s episode.
We’ve also had a few listeners get in touch with us asking us to set up a Patreon account. If you’re not familiar with Patreon, it’s a new service that allows our fans another way to financially support the show. I’ll be setting that up this week as well. If you want more details be sure to keep up with our erratically published blog or just wait until next week’s show and I’ll fill you in on all the finer points of Patreon patronage.
And we can’t close it out without giving a big thanks to Heath for existing and having the decency to do so on this show. I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show and regularly having sex with me. I need to thank Dr. Professor Atheist for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and for rerecording it for me in a different file type at the last possible second. Thanks for that.
I also want to thank Mark Nebo, and his incessant interview companions Leo and Vex one more time for joining me tonight, also wanted to encourage you to check them out at Be Secular (dot) com one more time. You can also find them on Facebook or on Twitter, (at) BeSecular. You can also follow Mark (at) Mark Nebo, you can also follow his wife Shannon, who is the president of Be Secular and, as I understand it, the more skilled arm wrestler (at) Secular Sunshine.
@BeSecular @MarkNebo @SecularSunshine
But of course, most of all we need to thank this week’s most stellar derivatives of stardust; Robert, Steven, Mark, Jason, Graye, Robin, Braxton, Laura, Charles, Robives.com, Dee, James and Thomas. Robert and Steven, whose erections darken the skies; Mark and Jason, who are so brilliant the exponents on their IQs have exponents; Graye and Robin, who are so awesome superheroes read comics about them; Braxton and Laura, who are so attractive Insane Clown Posse can’t figure out how they work; Robives (dot) com which has some really cool videos if you ever have a few extra minutes; Charles and Dee, whose brilliance can only be measured because they were smart enough to figure out a way to measure it; and James and Thomas, who are so sexy Vladimir Putin was willing to invade Crimea just to get that much closer to them.
These thirteen noble humans and websites have banded together to ensure that god would get his requisite amount of shit this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money that it takes to give us money, but if you have money, we’ll happily take it. You can give it to us by visiting the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com and looking for the donate button on the right side of the page. Because remember, if we starve to death, we can’t do the show anymore.
And if you’d like to help but you spent all your money on the finer amphetamines in life, you can also help us out by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes. Remember, every time we get a five star review, an angel gets debunked. You can also keep up with us on the Facebook, the Twitter, the YouTube and the Google Plus.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
The Four Reply Rule
by Noah Lugeons
I started this blog several years ago and expected to get a lot of religious trolls, but I didn’t. Of course, for the first couple years it was up I was hardly posting and nobody was reading it, so I guess that goes a long way toward explaining it.
I started the podcast over a year ago and expected to get a lot of religious trolls, but I didn’t. Of course, the podcast audience is so small that you’d really have to be looking for atheist shows to find it, so it’s no surprise that the religious folks are still unaware of it.
I got active on Facebook and Twitter shortly after starting the show and expected to get a lot of religious trolls, but I didn’t. I suppose there are far too many prominent atheists on social media for any of the trolls to take time out to fuck with me.
I started putting the diatribes on YouTube to expand our audience and expected to get a lot of religious trolls. And it’s YouTube so of fucking course I did. YouTube is troll crack so of course, if they were going to show up anywhere, it would be there.
As the show grows, the troll activity has slowly grown on all our media and I’m sure it will continue to do so. And while I still see trolling as a badge of accomplishment, it gets tiresome pretty quickly. Because I can’t help but respond. I can out-troll most trolls and I enjoy arguing. Even arguing with an idiot can be good mental exercise, as you have to find ways of dumbing down what you’re saying and explaining why the thing they just said is horseshit.
But, as we all learn at one point of the other, there is no time limit in mom’s basement. Feeding trolls is an unending cycle if you allow it to be and once they’ve stuck their fingers deep enough into their ears there’s no real point in responding. Well… I suppose there’s virtually never a “point” in responding, but at a certain point is also stops being fun.
So to keep myself from falling into that infinite loop, I have a four-reply rule. It’s something I implemented after reading back over pages of stupid arguments I had over an entry on this blog. I realized that with the same effort I could have written a whole extra episode rather than devoting the time to one slobbering jackass.
I should note that I’ve been using the term “troll” pretty liberally. I’m actually referring to damn near anybody who leaves a comment that disagrees with me and then fails to articulate any rational argument against my point. If somebody leaves “FUC!K YOYU ASSHOEL!!!!!!!!!” I probably won’t respond at all, but if somebody says, “You’re wrong and fuck you, asshole,” I probably will.
And if the conversation or the point of contention is interesting and the discussion seems to be going somewhere, I’m happy to keep a thread open for days. But if I discover that it’s a pointless “No I’m right!” dick waving contest, I have to check out. My dick waving propensity makes that difficult to do, of course. Hence, the four reply rule.
It usually takes a little back and forth to determine whether somebody is engaging in a debate or an argument, but within four replies it’s clear. And if somebody is making no attempt to refute my point or defend the flaws I’ve identified in their own within four replies, I feel comfortable cutting the conversation short.
My ego hates to do that. My ego shouts “somebody’s wrong on the internet!” and tries to force me back into the void, but my more rational mind usually wins out and explains to my ego that just because this person said something last doesn’t mean we lost. It tells my ego to calm down, smoke a bowl and remember that the only real way to lose an argument with a troll is to spend time arguing with a troll.
Episode 55 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.
Warning: The explicit language in this podcast is starting to rub off on the pope.
Sponsor:
This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Hindu sex worker industry of South Asia.
For live shows, come on down to The HinDude Ranch. And if you want to get laid in your second life, visit our brother and sister websites; FudgePakistan.com and PunjabPoonJobs.com
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday…
It’s March 6th,
And Christian Mingle for godless, horny geriatrics should be called RadiocarbonDating dot com
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Black History Forgotten” New York, New York,
And “Black History Still Embraced” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode,
-
The pedophile ISN’T Catholic … Just kidding. He’s obviously Catholic.
-
We’ll hit you up for money at the end of the show,
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And conception got pushed back again. It used to occur at orgasm, then it was the third pump (if applicable), and now it officially happens retroactively at puberty.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
I picture a group of people sitting around in hell. One says, “Yeah, I shot my wife” and another one says, “I burned down an orphanage” and the third says, “I baked a cake for some queers”.
Luckily, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer forestalled the national embarrassment of SB 1062 with a last minute pang of cognizance. But we were still one crayon-scrawled signature away from a state redacting humanhood for three and a half percent of their population. Or maybe two point two percent… I don’t know if bisexuals cakes are as sinful as gay cakes.
The law, which passed through both state houses and probably would have been signed into law if not for a tsunami of national media attention, would have allowed anyone the right to discriminate against anyone, provided the bigotry was based on (quote) “a sincerely held religious belief.”
We’ve heard that phrase a lot on this show. A lot of laws that try to find a way to legally protect homophobia and misogyny under the auspices of religious freedom and the only thing that makes SB 1062 noteworthy is that it got one step closer than most. There’s a huge national effort to build a big wall of bibles to hide behind when we secularists come to take away their god given right to hate men who love men. And women who love women. And… women.
And I’m gonna give the religious people a little more credit than most. Because I don’t think religion is the source of the bigotry at all. I think these people are just good old fashioned bigots and Jesus makes for a willing scapegoat. Anti-civil rights legislation was largely cloaked in religious liberty, but today the people who have those same religions generally don’t hate the coloreds. It wasn’t that religion was making them racist. They were just racists and religion was providing cover.
And therein lies the problem. As Anne Lamott points out, god hates all the same people you do, so hate can always hide behind religion. In fact, as soon as you invoke the words “religious liberty” you can hide anything back there you damn well please. To you and me, “religious liberty” means the freedom to practice one’s religion, but these theocrats are desperately trying to redefine it; to make it mean “freedom to do whatever the hell I want, regardless of the law, so long as Jesus”.
And of course, since Jesus can’t chime in, religions doctrines can’t be tested against reality and faith can’t be measured, that makes it a legal panacea. Don’t want to serve gays? Religious liberty. Don’t want to rent to an unwed couple? Religious liberty. Don’t think people should have recreational orgasms? Religious liberty.
It’s impossible to miss the smell of bullshit here. If you define religious liberty the way they’re trying to define it, nobody would fight for it. The bible tells me to murder my disobedient children, stone people to death for working on Saturday and sacrifice bulls at the altar. According to the Arizona legislature, that would all be perfectly legal as long as I sincerely believed it.
Not only does this provide the legal justification of shit like SB 1062, but it also provides the psychological justification. If you take away the god nonsense and force somebody to explain their objection to gays or gay marriage or gays eating at restaurants; pretty quickly they have to come face to face with an ugly part of themselves. But as long as you can retreat to Leviticus you don’t have to bother with real morality.
And people act like this is some intractable problem. How can you balance religious freedom and the interests of the secular state? How can we ensure that everyone’s rights are protected? They act like those are hard questions to answer, but if everybody just had to follow the same rules, the problem disappears. Just get rid any law that is contingent on a religious belief and we’re in the clear. If it’s illegal to suck a baby’s cock, it’s just illegal to suck a baby’s cock.
Seriously, is anybody actually arguing that the use of psychedelics is less dangerous if you think they’re carrying you into the spirit realm? Does anyone believe that bigotry is less dangerous if you think it’s divinely sanctioned?
Nobody wants to carry this all the way, of course. Even the rampaging bigots in Arizona draw the line at the United Methodist Church of Methamphetamines, so what they’re asking, nay, demanding the government do, is get in the business of deciding what does and doesn’t count as a religious belief. And I can’t imagine anybody wants that.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is the oft-misunderstood Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to help everyone better understand the Scathing Atheist Satire System?
When I say things that sound sexist or racist … that part is satire. My true opinion on this issue is that women and non-white people – as groups – are generally much better people than men and white people.
Yeah, that should free up some time at the complaints department. Appreciate that.
In our lead story tonight, Seventh Day Adventist parents Nkosiyapha and Virginia Kunene admitted to something known as “secular manslaughter”, after causing the death of their five-month-old son by giving him rickets, and then refusing him rickets medicine.
How prehistoric do your views on medicine have to be to get rickets? That’s a fucking old-timey disease. That’s like dying of “the summer complaint” or milk leg.
Exactly. (Milk Leg!!!) … Two important points: Yes it’s really easy to prevent rickets: Don’t be an infant who is a vegan with no vitamin D in your diet. And yes, it’s easy to treat rickets … Vitamin D. It’s also now very easy to prevent polio, amoebic dysentery, and plague. Diseases that killed you on the Oregon Trail, shouldn’t be a threat anymore. If your kid dies of cholera, why were you bathing him in a dirty puddle?!? Or you should have just caulked the wagon. Your fault.
And they’ve made a lot about this vegan diet that the parents were on, but I don’t know why. There are plenty of vegan options for a five month old, provided you don’t also sequester them from medicine and try to stupid the malnutrition away instead.
Here’s a statement from Justice Singh, who apparently had to explain his reasoning when he ruled that when you murder your child because you’re stupid, it has to be at least a little bit illegal: (quote)
Did he just say “fuckin duh?”. I’m betting “fucking duh.”
“The law respects the right of everyone to freedom of thought and belief. However the right to manifest one’s religion is not absolute. It is limited in particular by the rights of others. The state has a particularly important duty to protect the right to life, especially when a young child is concerned.” (end quote)
So besides turning pro-life rhetoric against religion (tastes bitter doesn’t it), the Justice makes an extremely important distinction, that is really the crux of every argument about this. You can think and believe whatever you want, but you can’t manifest those beliefs in ways that threaten the lives of others, especially five-month-old children that are yours!!!
I noticed he also said that the couple’s views on Seventh Day Adventism were (quote) “very extreme and do not reflect the official doctrine of the church” (end quote) as though this absolves the religion from any wrong doing. Sorry, your honor, but anybody who pretended god existed or prayer did stuff has at least a little of this kid’s blood on their hands.
That’s right. A little bit of small pox infested infant blood on your hands. Can’t feel as good as you thought it would. Because you build it up as this great thing in your head. Inevitable letdown.
Parents jailed after trying to pray away baby’s fatal disease: http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2014/feb/28/parents-jailed-manslaughter-baby-rickets
And in “I’d Never Have Molested Them if You Aborted Them” news tonight, the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis is blaming a mother for allowing her children to be molested by one of their priests.
Well, he was a priest…
Reverend Curtis Wehmeyer, who I’ll grant couldn’t look more like a kiddie-diddler without a Pee-Wee Herman suit, molested two of her sons, age 12 and 14 and, upon discovering that the archdiocese knew he was a sexual predator before they hired him, she sued. And apparently they’re going with the “what kind of responsible parent would leave her kids with a Catholic priest?” defense.
Corollary to the “What kind of God would allow 12 and 14-year-old kids to be raped, without letting their mother win a large settlement which correctly puts a dollar value on the consent virginity and regular virginity of a child” … defense.
The mother was an employee of the church and felt that Wehmeyer (quote) “needed some friends” (end quote). So that nobody could mistake them for just half-assed evil, the archdiocese refused to let her use sick days or vacation days to care for her kids after this all came to light. What’s more, they reneged on a promise to pay for the kid’s therapy and they cut her hours back. And then they went to her house and ripped her kitten to pieces in front of her and pissed on her rug.
Minnesota diocese blames mom for letting her kids get molested by their priest: http://www.alternet.org/belief/outrageous-church-blames-mother-pedophile-priest-molesting-her-two-sons
And in “Praising the Steaks” news, the Kentucky Baptist Convention is promoting what they call “Second Amendment Celebrations”, encouraging churches to give away dead cow slices and deadly firearms to local heathens, if they’re willing to open a trial account with God. And despite nearly everyone in these flyover areas already owning livestock and murder weapons, the soul bribery seems to be working.
What’s funny is that in a way this reminds me of the story we covered a couple weeks ago about the racist “black history month” lunch menu. Because “Steak and guns” is probably the white trash equivalent of offering black people watermelon and cornbread. Except in this case the race being stereotyped is too stupid to realize it.
Their plan – reportedly labeled “outreach to rednecks” by a spokesman – sounds a lot like animated wabbit hunting … Luring godless Tea Partyers under a box, floating them by their nose with the cartoon smell of animal blood and gun oil, and then knocking the stick out that holds the box up.
Ooh… piece of candy.
Also, I’d like to preserve any extra half-minute segments we might have, so I’ll just quickly add, that a redneck meat retailer slash arms dealer should be called “Pistol Peter Luger”, “Beefed-Up Security”, or “Wal-Mart”.
Glad this is working, because plan B was the Duck Dynasty sex tape giveaway. And if you thought their facial hair was nasty…
Steak and guns for Jesus: http://www.courier-journal.com/article/20140228/FEATURES10/302280129/Kentucky-Baptists-use-gun-giveaways-lure-unchurched-men-Christ?nclick_check=1
And in “Bowing toward Megatron” news, an Iranian school teacher has developed the perfect Muslim; an unthinking automaton that does nothing useful and prays five times a day. Akbar Rezaie, who teaches mythology and doesn’t realize it at an elementary school in the Iranian town of Varamin has recently unveiled a small humanoid robot that he created to help teach children how to properly appease Muslim God.
If you follow the Koran and get to the Allah-Spark, you get 72 unused Sybian machines. Brand spankin’ new.
Rezaie hopes his robot will help make prostrating oneself before an invisible warlock “cool” again. Some people have criticized him for using cutting edge science to promote the opposite of science, but those allegations clearly overlook what a low-tech piece of shit his little robot really is.
What’s the robot’s name? … HALal 9000??? …
Also, I’d like to quickly note that the evil computer from “2001: A Space Odyssey” has the same name as Halliburton’s ticker symbol.
I’ll alert Alex Jones immediately.
Iranian teacher makes Prayer-bot: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/iranian-school-teacher-builds-robot-to-teach-children-prayers-9154038.html
And in “Catholic GeStopHo” news, an anti-prostitution operation in Phoenix, Arizona called Project ROSE is detaining suspected sex workers at a local church, and forcing them to choose between religious propaganda class and jail. And that’s a tough call, considering it’s risky to drop the soap at either venue.
Tough call… I don’t want Jesus inside me, but I don’t want Jesús inside me, either.
The orgasm specialists who wish to avoid prison must complete a 36-hour Jesus sexuality class, which teaches great ideas like prostitutes not using condoms.
(Or getting abortions)
In order to pass the program – which has a reported 30% graduation rate – the accused must also display sufficient amounts of sadness and shame. All sounds awful and stupid, but there is some good news … The First Amendment says the police have to wrangle whore-interns for atheist clubs too.
Now you tell me.
As long as we’ve got a bunch of sex workers forced into cages at church … The stage is set … And also, in honor of the Oscars last weekend … 30 seconds on the clock: “Religious Porn Parodies of Best Picture Nominees” … GO!!!
Okay, but first I want to thank god for giving me an award I don’t deserve rather than curing the disease the movie was about in the first place. And of course, the movie I’m referring to is The Phallus Buyers Club.
Good movie to watch with a cocktail …
What about: 12 Years Old A Slave
Topical. How about Little Mister Sunshine?
Kneeling in the Confessional Booth: Tales From The Squirt Locker
Diddler on the Roof… On the Roofies?
In the Shame of the Father
Fetal Attraction
Semen on the Brokeback Mount
The Maltese Fuckin’
The, uh, stuff that wet dreams are made of …
Lord of the Cock Rings Third Leg: The Second Coming of the King
Father Cassidy and the Un-pantsed Kid
The Father’s the Butch, and the kid’s the bitch …
50 Shekels of Silver Linings Playbook
Starring Jennifer Lawrence of the Labia?
Good climax, but it’s missing something … Might be “Consent of a Woman”
A Vicar Named Desire?
This doesn’t really count, but you’re gonna want some Schindler’s Listerine on set.
The Pleasure of the Sierra Padre
Working on a double, for the bonus points in Splatter-gories …
The Fugitive Priest: Around the World in 80 Gays
Million Dollar Baby-Fucking Settlement
Finding Neverland Ranch: The Kids Are All Tight
I think I already used “Priests of the Southern Child” for something, didn’t I?
You can reuse them. Okay one more try at the double bonus …
Vishnu’s Avat-Argo Fuck Yourself??? … I’ll show myself out.
Sex workers can have church or jail: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/28/project-rose-offers-sex-workers-a-choice-church-or-prison/
That’s alright, the band was playing us off anyway. So I guess that’ll do it for headlines this week, Heath, thanks as always.
Messiah-nara, bitches.
And when we come back Lucinda will be here to give you a double dose of biblical boredom.
Skit:
Hilarious email that I got this week that I absolutely had to share. If this is legit, and it honestly looks like it is, it’s from Ray Comfort. Apparently he’s aware of some aspects of our show and not others and he sent me this really complimentary message about how important it is for atheists to read the bible and how he’s sure Jesus will reveal himself to me along the way.
In fact, I guess he was so impressed by our commitment to get a broader perspective on the bible, he wanted to do, you know, whatever the theistic equivalent would be. Try something out that he dislikes and disagrees with in order to widen his perspective on it. So I guess him and Ken Ham got together and tried out gay sex.
And, as luck would have it, they were nice enough to send me audio of that erotic encounter.
I’m Ken Ham
Hi, I’m Ray Comfort
Well good evening.
When I arrived you had a hotel for me and a fruit basket
Oh he’s tall and muscley
Say that again?
He’s tall and he’s handsome and he’s the star. I’d really like to go out with him.
Thank you
Why do we wear clothes?
Well we all do that
See unless they’re taken off…
Can I just stop you there?
Don’t be intimidated.
There’s nothing I have to look at and say I’m embarrassed.
When it’s okay, whip it out.
Behold!
That’s a pretty big number, isn’t it?
How can you look at this beautiful creation and not give praise?
It’s enormous!
Notice how gracefully it sits over the human hand
A perfect creation
There’s a point at the top for easy entry and it’s just the right shape for the human mouth.
We weren’t told we could eat meat.
It’s even curved toward the face to make the process easier.
Yet another poke in the eye.
The contents don’t squirt in your face
But you don’t know and there’s a lot of evidence that that’s not so.
Okay it’s my turn
Check it out
There’s nothing I have to look at…
You don’t see that?
No I don’t.
I’m sort of little
Your dick. It’s this magic wand of nothing.
It’s not the outside that matters, it’s the inside.
Sir, this is a very important issue.
Now I want you to look at my point.
Well I said it was pathetic when I started
And what I want to show you is how this works.
Could you explain it to me?
This is where it comes from, right here.
That’s common sense.
Even if you’ve got a dead stick.
But you’re… you’re sprung.
There’s a book out there… With this diagram… They’re sitting one on top of the other
Why?
To make it gay
Tell me why
You’ll learn the lesson the hard way
If you could put your finger on…
No no no no no
Here’s a fork, stick it in there
But there’s limits.
Anything that fits.
No. We’re gonna look at dogs to help us understand this
I’ve gotta get to the bottom of this.
You know there was plenty of room.
Okay here it is
Okay, Alright
Oh, god!
Oh… oh…
And it’s a little difficult
It’s easy if you try
(Oh’s, Gods and Lords)
Wow!
This is so radical it’ll blow your mind
Of course it is
Sir I can’t go on, my brain is full
You have to let me finish
Would you come?
I came
You’re an animal.
Put another notch in my belt.
Why haven’t we already done this?
Babble:
Originally, the books of Ezra and Nehemiah were a single book and remain intact in the Hebrew Bible, which is odd, because the Hebrews aren’t really known for leaving things intact. Anyway, since they’re both short and they more or less tell a linear story, we elected to double up this week and give you twice the Babble.
Anything that gets us through it quicker. So in honor of Noah turning thirty-mumble, we decided to party hard with our Hebrew Lit Book Club. So happy birthday Noah!!!
And joining us, of course, in this masochistic endeavor is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.
We always meet under the worst circumstances, the three of us..
Alright, so when we last left our intrepid heroes, they were scraping their way out of exile in Babylon.
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Thanks to the good King Cyrus. He sends word to all the Jews that they can go back to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple, and he even gives back all the vessels of the house of the lord that Nebuchadnezzar stole
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And apparently as they were reinhabiting the promised land they went through an amusement park turnstile and somebody checked IDs or something because in chapter two we get a precise headcount.
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You approach the turnstiles leading into the ancient Jerusalem circus, and you know that when you get there, you have to give the man 2 shekels or he won’t let you in. But when you get there, everything goes wrong …
“Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine.”
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First things first, they celebrate Sukkot and then get to work rebuilding their temple.
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The Sukkot tents doubled as a circus venue.
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But the man always be holdin’ ‘em down. They start trying to build their temple but then the kids from the “cool” fraternity show up and start making trouble for them, so they have to stop.
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“So you guys remember that Jewish tribe we enslaved, that we definitely can’t trust because we enslaved them after centuries of genocidal warfare? … Well Cyrus let them start building a giant God Castle again. Could be real God. Our prayers don’t do shit. Is this something we need to worry about?”
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And you can tell that the bronze age FCC was getting on their ass about all the wars and genocides in season one, because when shit hits the fan in Ezra we get a vigorous letter-writing campaign.
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I was hoping they would address the paperwork situation. Because building a temple, to an exotic God, without a permit, with- …
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Within the Jerusalem city limits. That ain’t legal either.
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I thought this was Trans-Euphrates?!? Are we not in Trans-Euphrates?!?
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Eventually the Jews find all the necessary receipts and what-not and get permission to finish their temple, which they do.
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And that’s great unless, of course, you’re a local bull, ram, lamb or goat, in which case you’ll be brutally slaughtered to appease Jew-God’s bloodlust.
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And now that we’re two thirds of the way through the book we meet the titular Ezra, who know his Mosaic law like nobody’s business. And on the merit of this, King Artaxerxes gives him all of Jerusalem.
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And then all of a sudden we’re in the first person, which is odd.
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Taking over as objective narrator in God’s book … The balls on this guy!!!
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So Ezra gathers a sufficient number of Jews, divvies up the cash, fast for a while and then head to the newly rebuilt temple.
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Then he makes it very clear to everyone that the reason god exiled them was obvious: They weren’t being racist enough. So he make sure everyone knows to be extra racist this time around.
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He even says that they can’t see to the “peace and prosperity” of the neighboring tribes so you’re not even allowed to be just passively racist.
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The Middle East is like the crazy kid in school getting tricked into fighting the even crazier other kid. It’s a fun TV show for atheists … “Deluded Giant Squid vs. Equally Naive But Tribally Different Mega Shark”
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So to keep Jew god from getting pissy again, Ezra orders anyone who married a foreigner to send away their wives and children…
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And there’s even a detailed miscegeny list, with all the people who cheated and gave their kids illegal performance enhancers like dominant DNA.
So obviously Ezra just blew the right scribe to get his own book in the bible. The same is almost certainly true of Nehemiah, whose claim to fame was building a wall where once there was only most of a wall.
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1. Right. First we meet Nehemiah, who spends chapter one shitting all over Ezra, basically. They rebuilt the temple, so he decides to lament the fact that they didn’t also do the wall.
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2. So Nehemiah is all bummed. Meanwhile he’s landed this awesome gig “bearing the king’s cup” if you know what I mean.
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So King Artaxerxes asks what he’s so bummed about, he tells him and the king’s like “Oh, here’s some lumber and stone. Have at it.”
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Then he inspects the wall, including the unfortunately named “Dung Gate”
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Talk about using the rear entrance
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And then you get some blatant evidence planting. They’re working on the rebuild, and three rival officias – a Horonite, an Ammonite, and an Arab – might as well walk into a Jewish bar, and ask Nehemiah if his crew is gonna rebel against the king. So Nehemiah – as if wearing a wire – says: “Hello three people that represent the historical property rights of your entire future race, who agree that you have no claim, share, or historic right to Jerusalem whatsoever say-nothing-if-you-agree-forever-Done. Why do you guys care?!? “
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3. And everybody goes out “Hands across Jerusalem” style and they all fix a little section of the wall.
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6. And Sanballat, the mean-girl from a cheerleading movie of biblical villains, starts writing letters to Nehemiah telling him he’s gonna spread rumors about him and blow his boyfriend if he doesn’t stop building his wall.
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7. And in case you missed the exhaustive list of which tribes all the returning exiles were from, we get it again in chapter seven.
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If you want the book to be longer, just increase the margins, or the font size. Or add some chapters about morality. Or being reasonable. Or a “how-to” guide on reading allegories. Plenty of options.
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8. Then they all get together to love god and live in booths.
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9. And to be honest, I’m half convinced that if you started reading the bible at chapter nine of Nehemiah, you wouldn’t have missed much. Because Ezra spends this extremely long chapter going on and on about how awesome god is by rehashing most of the shit that’s happened so far in the book.
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10. Then he drives home the two main points of the last six or seven books: One, god needs you to kill a lot of goats for him, and two, don’t forget to be racist. Whatever you do, don’t interbreed with any of those foreigners.
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Yeah, let’s keep all these recessive genes to ourselves.
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Withholding the blind, translucent, polydactyl piano prodigy. Smart.
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“Stay Pale on three! One, two, three: STAY PALE!!! Jew-Ra!!!”
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11. And lest you think we’re shitting you about how boring this book is, they spend chapter eleven telling which people moved to which towns as they repopulated.
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“What?!? I’m making a detailed list of all the Jewish people, and their addresses … How would this backfire?!?”
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12. And in a valiant effort to make chapter eleven seem interesting, they spend most of chapter twelve explaining who stood where during the ribbon cutting on their new wall.
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13. Nehemiah then makes the mistake of turning his back for a second and within a few days priests are setting up rooms for their old frat buddies in the temple, they’re working on the Sabbath, they’re marrying foreigners.
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Yeah, so he beats them and pulls out their hair.
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Literally – Handfuls of soul-less ginger clumps.
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Heck of a guy that Nehemiah.
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So yeah, in summary the Jews are back and they have a temple and a wall again.
That’s all they really needed to say.
Esther’s up next and that’s another short one but it’s gonna get it’s own segment in episode 58 because something tells me we’re gonna want to spend a whole episode on Job. Anyway, thanks for bearing with it, guy and gal.
Outro:
Before we get played off tonight, I wanted to let everyone know about something I’m rather stoked about. At the behest of a number of listeners I spent the last few weeks compiling the first fifty diatribes into book form. Many of them have been rewritten or lengthened, and I’ve added a few paragraphs of introduction to each one so you can think of it as the director’s cut of the diatribes. More than a third of the book is all new material and that should be available as an ebook on the twentieth of March. We hope to have physical copies available by ReasonCon at the beginning of May. We’ll be talking that up a bunch over the next couple of weeks.
And if you were hoping for a poem tonight, sorry about that. It’ll be on next week’s show. Part of that was to make room for the scandalous Ham/Comfort sex tape, but after some discussion with Heath and Lucinda we’re all of the mind that it generally makes more sense to do the bible poems after we’ve reviewed the books in question rather than before.
That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more. Between now and then I have to thank Heath for his continued commitment to excellence in excrement jokes; I need to thank Lucinda for all that she brings to the show and I need to thank David for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and for his incredible generosity. Here’s hoping he sparked a bidding war to claim the title of our most generous donor ever.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans; Paul, Rebekah, Michael, Crystal, Andrew, Shane and Joel. Paul, whose mighty fists serve as the primary backup system for the Large Hadron Collider; Rebekah, who’s such a badass she has to let alligators tag-team when she wrestles them; Michael, whose dick is so big it has Lagrangian points; Crystal, whose intellect is so vast it could hold two of every unclean animal and seven of every clean one; Andrew who’s too sexy to play Jesus; Shane, whose biceps are powerful enough to run the flux capacitor; and Joel, who’s so hot Stacy’s mom sings songs about him.
These bright, shining examples of altruism have earned their spot in my anti-Putin bunker this week by giving us money. Only the smartest, strongest, sexiest secularists have what it takes to give us money, but if you feel like you’ve got all the requisite silibants, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And, of course, if you love the show but you spent your entertainment budget on Romanian vampire porn, you can also help us out a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or whatever place you prefer to leave glowing podcast reviews. And if you just can’t get enough of us, be sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube and check out our erratically published blog.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
The One Thing Atheists Should Stop Saying
by Noah Lugeons
It’s rare that I so profoundly disagree with Hemant Mehta. Anybody who reads this blog or listens to the show knows what a high regard I hold the man in; after all, he was my nominee for 2013 Atheist of the Year.
But in a recent video post, Hemant offered a list of “9 Things Atheists Should Stop Saying“, and without exception, I disagree with every single one. While I agree with some of the larger points he was fitting within this framework, he didn’t actually come up with anything I think atheists should stop saying.
Let me break his points down along with my objections.
#1) “I lost my faith”
This was the only one of his nine where I had trouble even seeing what point he was trying to make. He starts off by claiming that “lost” carries a negative connotation (ie I lost my keys, I lost my job, etc.), then points out that this is false by bringing up the counter-examples of “I lost my virginity” and “I lost weight”.
The point he appears to be making is that when an atheist says, “I lost my faith” it sounds sad to a believer. I’m not sure if this is true or if it is relevant, but either way I don’t think it belongs in any reasonable “banned phrase” list. It’s a minor semantic objection and if we disabuse ourselves of this phrase we’re hamstringing our ability to talk with theists in the language they understand. I’d like to believe that when reasonable theists here someone talk about “losing their faith” they will attach it to the context in which the statement is being said. If it’s uttered by a forlorn shell of a human, it’s depressing. When it’s offered as a preamble to an enthusiastic defense of atheism, one would have to be almost willfully naive to see it as a negative.
#2) “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.”
The point he’s making here is that when we say this in the context of a religious debate, it sounds like we’re setting an uneven criterion. The claim that prayer works is extraordinary to you and I, but might not be for a Christian. It almost sounds like we’re setting up a double standard that asks their claims to meet a higher standard of evidence that theirs.
But rather than chucking such an important rhetorical point under the bus, I say that when you encounter this misunderstanding you should explain what it meant by it. Offer up an extraordinary claim in science such as the big bang and explain the extraordinary amount of evidence that was needed for the scientific community to accept it. Explain the precept of Occam’s razor. Explain what makes a claim extraordinary.
He also makes the point that many theistic claims fail to meet even the lowest bar of evidence and I agree that this should be pointed out, but this can be offered as an addendum rather than a replacement point. This claim is also spectacularly useful when dealing with claims that do meet a very low bar of evidence (think ancient alien conspiracies, for example).
#3) “Everyone is born an atheist”
Hemant’s point against this statement makes perfect sense when he presents it without context. As a stand alone statement, this would be a ridiculous claim. All babies are atheists in the same way that all rocks and staplers are atheists. It confuses the difference between explicit and implicit atheism and might confuse people as to what, exactly, we mean by atheism.
That being said, I’ve never heard this offered by itself. Perhaps I’m less “in the know” that he, but when I hear atheists making this point, it’s usually in response to references to “Christian” babies or “Muslim” babies. Hemant compares the statement that atheists are babies to saying that babies are “political independents”. And this makes sense, except that their aren’t people claiming that babies are republicans or democrats. People do claim that babies are “Christian” or “Jewish” or what-have-you and go so far as to surgically alter them in accordance with that belief.
In this context, I think it is very important to point out that all babies are atheists, though I’ll admit that such a notion could easily me misapplied by a novice atheist debater.
#4) “We can be good without god”
Here he draws a very compelling parallel. Christians might take this the same way that one would take the statement, “I can drive home without wearing my seatbelt”. Well sure, you can and you’ll probably be fine this time, but wouldn’t it be better if you did wear the seatbelt? The theist will take this statement at face value, but might counter with the notion that you could be better with god.
And maybe this is true of some theists in some situations. But I’d reckon that the minority. As Matt Dillahunty points out in his response to this same post, morality continues to be the major sticking point with most people that have issues with atheists. The claim that we have no “absolute moral code” or that morals can only exist with a divine lawgiver is pervasive in the religious community and I don’t know that there’s a single message we could be sending that’s more important than “We can be good without god.”
#5) “I trust science, not some 2000 year old book”
I can’t fairly summarize his point here, because I didn’t honestly understand it. It was something about this statement lending a false legitimacy to the bible, but I really didn’t follow him. If his point had been not to use the word “trust”, I might be inclined to go along since we don’t “trust” science; we demand from it the same evidence that we would from any other claim or sets of claims; but that wasn’t the point he was making at all.
#6) “You can’t reason someone out of something they weren’t reasoned into in the first place”
This is the closest I come to agreeing with any of his points, but again, I think he sets aside context when he says this. If the statement above is offered as a reason not to engage with theists, it is profoundly incorrect. We should definitely employ logic and reason in our efforts to move people out of the “believer” column. We shouldn’t belittle their mental function by pretending that they don’t prop up their beliefs through reason.
But that doesn’t mean there isn’t merit in this statement. I say it all the time and I’ll continue to say it, but when I do it isn’t to point out that reasoning with a religious person is impossible; it’s to point out that reasoning with them isn’t enough. Most atheists hold to their disbelief for logical reasons, but there is an emotional aspect to faith that can’t be ignored in debate. This statement serves as a constant reminder that reason might not be able to do the trick alone.
When I’ve successfully “deconverted” people, it’s been a long process that began with breaking down the logical walls, but ended when I helped them through the emotional hurdles of accepting a worldview without an afterlife or without a “divine plan”.
#7) “I don’t believe in god”
This one didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense to be either, to be honest, though I did like the larger point he was making with it. He points out that when you say “I don’t believe in god”, a theist probably reacts the same way we do when people say, “I don’t believe in evolution”. It doesn’t matter if you believe in evolution; evolution doesn’t need you to believe in it to exist.
And this is a good point; one worth keeping in mind any time you engage with a believer. But I don’t understand why one would avoid saying it. I don’t believe in god. That’s an accurate statement. What’s more, the replacement he offers is all but a distinction without a difference: “I don’t believe that any god exists”. I’m not sure how this solves the perception issue, as I’d be no more impressed if a creationists said, “I don’t believe that any selective pressures that cause speciation exist”.
#8) “Religion doesn’t make any sense.”
Again, completely devoid of context, this is probably a useless statement. As Hemant points out, quantum mechanics don’t make any sense. But more than that, it offers the theists a mental refuge. When you say, “Religion doesn’t make any sense”, you’re saying that you don’t understand it and the theist can retreat to the comforting thought that if you understood religion, you’d be just as religious as them.
But again, it’s not like this statement is generally offered as a standalone. I would assume that the majority of atheists would follow this statement up with a few examples of why they don’t think that religion makes sense and, if done well, those supplementary points would aptly demonstrate that the atheist does know as much (or more) about the religion than the theist.
And if the theist counters with a point about quantum mechanics not making sense, the atheist can offer in response that quantum mechanics is able to demonstrate its claims. Cellphones work and we can prove that. There is no religious equivalent when it comes to demonstration.
#9) “You can’t just pick and choose what you believe”
This is a fairly common practice among atheists while I’m not ready to draw a circle and a line through this statement, I actually do agree with the larger point he’s making here… or at least I tangentially agree with it. He’s talking here about “cafeteria Christians” that believe in the good parts of the bible and disagree with the hating gay people and stoning adulteress parts. Atheists very often enter debate with an “all of nothing” attitude about the bible that doesn’t reflect a realistic understanding of their opponent’s position. After all, who is an atheist to tell a believer how to believe in their religion?
But again, this only makes sense when it’s divorced of context. I’ve used a variation of this in debate before but never when talking about religion in general. This is an excellent point when discussing the bible. If a theist offers a biblical justification for belief x or belief y, it’s perfectly acceptable to point out all the horrible shit in the bible and say, “You can’t just pick and choose the biblical passages that support your point and ignore the ones that refute it”. In other words, if they want to use the bible in their defense, their stuck with the whole thing, warts and all.
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Nine for nine. I didn’t agree with a single point he made.
Now, to be fair to the Friendly Atheist, he was using this framework to make a series of larger points, many of them quite valid. But none of them justified the concept that atheists should “stop using” this phrase or the other. It’s important that we take time to reflect on what we’re saying and how it’s being interpreted, which is precisely what Hemant was doing with this blog entry, but it’s also important that we phrase it correctly. None of these are statements that atheists should, “stop saying”, but they’re all things atheists should think about and reflect on before using them in conversation.
In my opinion, there’s only one thing that atheists should stop saying, and that’s what other atheists should and should not say.
It Was Bound to Happen Eventually
by Noah Lugeons
I got an email yesterday that’s had me a little in the dumps. It’s something that was bound to happen at some point, but that doesn’t take much of the sting out of it. I won’t name any names or anything, but a guest I was really hoping to interview on the show just turned me down. By itself, this is not new. It’s happened a number of times before. But this particular guest declined based solely on how raunchy our show gets.
To her credit, she sent a really nice and non-judgmental email in reply to my request, told me she was flattered by the invitation and explained precisely why she was turning it down. And it wasn’t because we swear too much or make too many dick jokes, but rather because we have no filter when it comes to who or what we joke around about.
In her words;
… [T]he jokes about whores and junkies and Chinese midgets crossed a line for me. I enjoy and appreciate edgy, scathing humor — but not when it punches down. I’m just not willing to be part of that.
Like I said, it was bound to happen eventually. It’s a risk that we know we’re taking when we record the really cringe-worthy jokes. We know that we sacrifice some listeners and inevitably sacrifice some really interesting guests.
I was asked about this in a round-about way on a recent interview on “Rational Talk“. We were discussing the out-of-whack moral compass of the show and how it’s grown edgier as time went on. We were specifically discussing Heath’s penchant for political incorrectness, but everything I said of him has become true of me as well.
When we first started the show, I was a lot pickier about what I would and wouldn’t let in. I never shied away from an opinion, but some of Heath’s more over-the-top racist, sexist, Chinese midgetist jokes wound up on the cutting room floor. I would talk to him about it afterword and I would offer in defense the excuse that it “went too far.”
But how far is too far? It’s an arbitrary cultural line and, of course, it’s one that we wanted to cross. But I wanted to dip my toe in the water of “too far” and Heath wanted to dive in. And his justification makes perfect sense to me. If we allow a joke that is “a little” racist but not “really” racist, it’s as though we’re endorsing a certain amount of racism. It’s as though we’re saying “this much racism is okay.” But if we allow the joke to live all the way on the other side, it’s impossible to ignore the sarcasm. It’s impossible not to see how tongue-in-cheek the act is.
Let me be clear, we use our platform to denounce racism, sexism, homophobia and child abuse. But along the way we joke about racism, sexism, homophobia and child abuse. And since any joke on any of those subjects “crosses the line”, we cross the line. And we’ve rejected the notion that it’s okay as long as you swim in the shallow end.
All that being said, I don’t begrudge my would-be guest her decision. She didn’t say that she we shouldn’t be doing the show, she didn’t say she thought we should tone it down. She simply didn’t want to lend her name to it. I admire the principle even if I disagree with it.
Still, would have been a really cool interview though.
Episode 53 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
GUEST LINKS:
The Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe Homepage
The Skeptics’ Guide YouTube Channel
Homepage for NECSS (Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism)
Warning: This podcast contains Heath Enwright
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Sharia Law & Order: Sinful Victims Unit.
In the Islamic Justice System, female victims of sexually based offenses are considered especially culpable. The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious women are an elite squad known as the Sinful Victims Unit. These are their stories.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s February 20th,
And now that Paul Walker’s dead, his roles will be played by Aaron Paul – aka the “Miracle on Ice”
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright and from the city that never sleeps, New York, New York
And the city that never flosses, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist
On this week’s episode
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We’ll open with a series of bullet points,
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We’ll get through a snake-handler story with no masturbation jokes,
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And Jay Novella joins us share non-culinary advice for atheist parents
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
I was accused in an email exchange the other day of “hating religious people”. And I was about to email back that “I don’t hate religious people, I hate religion”… but I stopped myself, because I didn’t want to be dishonest. I do hate religious people.
But it’s not because they’re religious… it’s because they’re people.
Think about the copious amounts of ass that people suck. I hate most of them. And I’d guess that about 80% of the people I hate are religious. And 2% of them are atheists. And 18% of them are spiritual, agnostic or “other”.
The whole notion that the atheist movement hates religious people is even stupider than the assertion that atheists hate god. Religion is an oppressive force and it harms religious people a hell of a lot more than atheists. I’m in no danger of foregoing life saving medicine and opting for prayer. I’m in no danger of being swindled by a preacher. I’m in no danger of being butt-raped by a Catholic Priest… well, no, I guess we all are, but I’m in a low-risk demographic at least. But the whole premise is asinine. It’s like saying abolitionists were motivated by their hatred of slaves.
Of course, this came about in one of those stupid “How can religion be bad if so-and-so exists?” arguments So-and-so being, of course, some morally incorruptible person. And whether the example is Martin Luther King, Jr. or the sweet old lady across the street, it’s no less stupid an argument. Lucinda and I have a couple of neighbors that are as nice as two people can be, except the fact that they disowned their son for being gay.
And sure, they’d run into a burning building for us, they’d donate a lung for us, they’d fight off a pack of she-bears for us, but does that make homophobia any less egregious? Does the fact that the axe murdered also fed stray cats a reason to go easy on axe-murdering? And if good religious people mean that religion is good, what the hell do bad religious people mean?
But there’s more wrong with this argument than it’s simple failure to sequit. I’ll give you a great example in the form of my landlord.
The dude is as nice as anybody you can imagine. Seventy two years old, spry, intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humor and he’s quick to hurry over and fix shit that goes wrong, provided it doesn’t do so on the Lord’s day. He’s super-religious and it would be physically impossible to dislike him.
The other day I was talking to him and he brought up his church which he is often wont to do. He had a bit of a sunburn going and when I asked him about it he said he got it mowing the lawn at his church. The two acres around this church. That a seventy-two year old man is mowing for no compensation. And why, pray tell, is the old man mowing the lawn? Well, the church was concerned with their finances and they feared they could no longer afford the monthly landscaper’s fees. And they figured that Jesus would really appreciate it if somebody volunteered to mow that giant-ass shadeless lawn once a week under the unforgiving South Georgia sun.
But it’s not that they were taking advantage of him. Au contraire. He understood how important it was. Why, unless somebody donated their labor to the church lawn, they wouldn’t be able to send any money to the Southern Baptist Convention.
So the church is sending a septuagenarian out to mow their lawn so they can properly fund an anti-gay hate-group that was founded on White Supremacy and only got around to apologizing for that shit in the mid-nineties. How moral of them.
So no, I don’t hate religious people… at any higher rate than I hate non-religious people. And I’d even go so far as to say I can prove it. If I really hated religious people and I really wanted to stick it to them, I’d stop doing this show, I’d just shut up about atheism and I’d let the church have ‘em.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is Olympic Vanadium Medalist Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to go for the Chromium?
Hey, don’t knock Vanadium. It has the highest melting point of any period 4 transition metal.
Take that titanium!
In our lead story tonight, Australian chemist Simon Horsfall is slipping disapproving notes into the package when he sells oral contraception to those customers of his pharmacy that don’t share his Catholic beliefs. In other news, Australian pharmacists mistakenly refer to themselves as “chemists”. They count pills, and collect people’s money every week. They have the same skill set as a drug dealer. They’re not exactly inventing new plastics for NASA.
This actually explains why the Australian Space Agency is still lagging so far behind Latvia. Reminds me of those Fosters commercials. You show an uppity fucker eyeing me suspiciously when buy syringes for my diabetic cat and it says “Chemist” and then it shows a cheap can of carbonated dingo piss and it says “Beer”… but it’s Australian so it’s three syllables long and they never quite get to the “R”….
Here’s a statement from the (air quote) “chemist” (end air quote), who’s been writing self-righteous notes like this for 12 years: (real quote) ”It’s about integrity – if you say one thing and do something else, that is hypocrisy. We practise what we preach.” (end real quote) … First of all, ‘practice’ doesn’t have an ‘S’ … It has a ‘C’ … Second, he doesn’t practeeze what he preaches at all. He’s been making money selling contraceptives for at least 12 years!!! He’s going to hell, and he’s talking about integrity and avoiding hypocrisy?!?
It’s more like hypocrisy squared. “I’m against this, but I’m gonna profit off of it, but I’m gonna call you an asshole for giving me your money.”
I’m willing to consider the merits of both sides of the abortion issue. But contraception?!? Wearing a cross around your neck is pretty good contraception. Money shots are contraception. It was happening before condoms, just not well. So like it or not – and whether or not one particular outer-suburban pharmacy (slash) Pfizer Lab in Australia approves – widespread availability of real contraceptives is one of the greatest public health accomplishments of the last century.
Yes, I think it’s time we moved beyond the “orgasms are evil” doctrine.
Australian Pharmacist puts disapproving note in every bottle of contraceptives: http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/take-note-this-chemist-disapproves-of-contraceptives-20140213-32jz1.html
And in “god forsakes the flakes who partake in the shaking of snakes” news tonight, Kentucky pastor and squamate appetizer Jamie Coots died of stupidity last Saturday after being gnawed on by a venomous rattlesnake. Coots is part of the Darwinian oversight known as “Snake handlers”, a group of Pentecostals who believe that god is the only anti-venom they need, despite the extraordinarily high rate at which their pastors demonstrate otherwise.
It’s literally gotten to the point that if this happens again next week, we’d almost have to skip the story out of boredom. Maybe we just do occasional segments when zero Pentecostal preachers committed suicide by serpent venom that week.
Yeah, snake handlers have been done to death at this point. Coots was bitten during a Saturday night service but rather than seek medical attention for the treatable but otherwise mortal wound, he instead opted for the “Jesus take the presynaptic neurotoxin” approach and treated the bite by laying on his couch and praying… even after EMTs showed up at his home and offered him real-universe medicine.
It’s a good thing I’m not an ambulance guy. I would have made a joke about it being “Pastor Expiration Date.”
Yeah, your sense of humor might not work well in any emergency medical profession. Now, if the name Jamie Coots sounds familiar, it’s because be discussed this celebrity death-pool lock back on episode 27 of this show when National Geographic tapped him to star in their visual testament to faith-inspired idiocy “Snake Salvation”. Nat Geo has issued an apology and vows to replace the show next season with more responsible programs like “Cutting Yourself for Jesus” and “Rabbi Rosenbaum’s Wide World of Long Distance Circumcisions”.
Yet another snake handling preacher killed by… wait for it… snakes: http://www.wbir.com/story/news/local/2014/02/16/pastor-dies-after-snake-he-was-handling-bit-him/5529907/
And from the “Not in Ken’s Ass Anymore” file, the state House of Representatives in Kansas has overwhelmingly approved Jim Crow Laws for gay people. Proponents of the legislation seem to feel this is necessary to facilitate a smooth transition to humanhood for the queers, following their recent liberation from slavery in the state. An existing gay resident can be grandfathered in for full humanhood right away, however he may be required to prove his grandfather was gay.
Which sucks for straight Kansas grandfathers. What a dilemma; “Hey grandpa, they’ll let me use hospitals and pharmacies, but only if you’ll go down the county registrars office and gobble some cock.”
Should the bill be signed into law, gay couples could legally be denied service absolutely anywhere, and if gays are permitted inside buildings at all, I’m certain they’ll be required to use the rear entrance, which is really just an exit for everyone else. (…) I guess this must be the Christian response to the hordes of gay couples in the Bible Belt, who were ruining public parks for everyone else, with lewd displays of deep-throating water fountain spigots? …
Shit yeah, the “Spite a bigot, blow a spigot” campaign. Of course, it’s worth noting that the leader of the state senate has already come out and said that there’s no way in hell they’re gonna pass this thing, but the fact that Kansas is trying to compete with Russia and Uganda when it comes to legislative gay-bashing is still newsworthy.
And just to be perfectly clear, this would allow a public hospital to refuse treatment, or a police officer to refuse policing, as long as the homophobes make their decision “based on a sincerely held religious belief”. Lucky for anyone in Kansas with the sincerely held belief that hateful assholes should be brutally tortured for even suggesting this – they should soon be able to carry out their vigilante water-boarding spree of religious zealots with full impunity.
Kansas gay segregation: http://www.ryot.org/kansas-tries-implement-anti-gay-segregation/571197 <<and>> http://www.kansascity.com/2014/02/13/4822324/senate-balks-at-kansas-religious.html
And from the “Keystone Caliphate” file tonight, a suicide bombing instructor in Iraq shook up this year’s Darwin Award standings last week during an accidental pop quiz. While demonstrating how to kill oneself and a score of bystanders, Professor Aggressor the Lesser accidentally killed himself and a score of bystanders.
This does shake up the Darwin standings, but I’d say the bystanders are at the top of the list. If there’s anyone dumber than a suicide bomber conducting a demonstration, it’s the people who showed up for the demonstration. That’s the sort of meeting you might want to Skype in.
In addition to the instructor, twenty-one students were killed, 15 pupils were wounded, 8 militants were arrested and 1,548 virgins were very disappointed. The instructor’s name was not released but Iraqi officials say he is a well-known terrorist recruiter who will forever be remembered for his poignant last words; “whatever you do, never do this.”
Instructor accidentally blows up a class full of suicide bombing students: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/11/world/middleeast/suicide-bomb-instructor-accidentally-kills-iraqi-pupils.html?_r=0
That’s why you never buy your bomb fuses at the Acme Store. Moving on to “Sacred Cowboys” news: UConn’s new assistant football coach Ernest Jones has resigned, immediately following controversy surrounding his violation of the university policy that says you can’t preach about Jesus while you’re working. Jones, as well as head coach Bob Diaco, were both hired from Notre Dame, which would be impressive 30 years ago. In 2014, all it tells me is that Mantai Teo’s imaginary friend delusions make a lot more sense.
In an “immaculate deception” sort of way…
Among other useless coaching methods, Jones told players that football wouldn’t exist without the Christian lord and savior, and that Jesus belongs in the huddle, even though that’s obviously a 5-yard penalty.
Twelve disciples in the huddle, yeah.
So, in honor of the newly resigned (read about to be fired) Jones … Let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Failed Religious Sports Teams” … GO!!!
Notre Dame!
Well played! But I was thinking more like … JC Milan … Re-Allah Madrid … Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark
If we’re allowing movies about failed religious sports teams, then my answer is Rudy.
Well played again! But I mean like … The Nashville Sexual Predators … The Dallas Plow Boys
Sounds like they play in “A Catholic League of Their Own” …
Ok I Iike the movie titles … Let’s roll with it … What about “Million Dollar Baby Jesus”?
Original Cinderella Man
Papal Bull Durham
Parting the Red Seabiscuit
Any Given Sunday School
Bang the Kids Slowly?
King of Kingpins
Judas Iscariots of Fire
Semi-Pro Life
Raging Bullshit
The Fast Boy Scout
Or Run Altarboy Run. Either way, the priest ends up with Varsity Blue-Balls.
Bad New Prayers Don’t Work
Christian asshole resigns from assistant football coach position at UConn: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/18/uconn-assistant-football-coach-who-said-jesus-christ-should-be-in-the-center-of-our-huddle-resigns
They don’t. And I think that’s actually as good a point to close on as any we’ve made. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
And when we come back, Jay Novella from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe will be here to Skeptically Guide us through the Universe.
Outro:
Before we dismiss the royal guard tonight I wanted to make everybody aware of a very cool fundraiser that our friends at Secular (dot) FM are putting together. They’re doing a 24 hour live broadcast to raise money for the Foundation Beyond Belief. It’s running all day this Sunday, the 23rd, starting and ending at midnight. Tanner Campbell, Mark Nebo and David Viviano are hosting the thing and they’ve got a list of guests that makes me drool: Dale McGowan, Seth Andrews, Shelley Segal, JT Eberhard, DJ Grothe, Jessica Ahlquist, Jerry DeWitt, Dave Muscato… and I’m seriously just scratching the surface.
I’d strongly encourage you to check it out; it should be a lot of fun and it’s for a good cause. You’ll find links to more info on the shownotes for this episode.
https://www.facebook.com/secularprogramming
I also wanted to apologize for the 2 Chronicles poem getting bumped again but we needed the time for the interview. I promise it’ll be on next week’s show.
And, of course, I need to give Jay another big thanks for coming on the show. Very awesome guy, super passionate about what he does and one of the real pioneers of podcasting so thrilled to have him on. I also need to thank Heath for his indefatigable sense of humor, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show up tonight and I need to thank Matt from Chicago for his awesome Farnsworth quote (slash) Cafepress plug (slash) rape joke.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most prestigious paragons of personhood, Thomas, Tim, Brad, Tyler, Kenny, Shelby, Vinnie, Geoff, April, Leo, Wayne, Liam, Richard and Tom. Thomas and Tim, whose reflexes and strength are so great they could be empowered by radioactive spiders and not notice; Brad and Tyler, whose levers are long enough for Archimedes if we could just find the fulcrum; Kenny and Shelby, the Wonder Twins of atheism, except that neither of them has a power that sucks compared to the other one; Vinnie and Geoff, who are hot enough to melt vanadium; April and Leo, who are so awesome they named a month and a sign of the zodiac after them; Wayne and Liam, whose attractiveness holds the key to zero point energy; and Richard and Tom, who have to turn away more pussy than a Friskies audition.
These fourteen upright, upstanding, uproarious, uplifting individuals have proved their up-ness this week by giving us money. Only the most atheistic of all atheists have the atheism it takes to give us money, but if you think you disbelieve in god enough, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
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If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
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