Posts Tagged ‘Catholicism’

Papal Media Cock-Slobber-Fest

March 15, 2013 1 comment

by Noah Lugeons

Wow, what a successful first 48 hours Pope Francine has had.  He’s already transformed the image of the Catholic church, righted centuries of racial bigotry, cured global poverty, refocused the Catholic religion on the core of Christ’s message and made everyone completely forget about the child rape and torture thing.

What’s that you say?  He hasn’t done any of that?  Oh, sorry, I was getting all my information from the American television media.

I’m already sick of hearing about what a transformative figure Pope Franky is.  It’s not just the fallacious notion that anybody can be considered “transformative” after two days on the job (much of that spent sleeping).  We went from a sexist, scandal-plagued, geriatric, mentally-antiquated man of European decent to a sexist, scandal-plagued, geriatric, mentally-antiquated man of different European ancestry and this was a transformation?  We went from a backwards thinking jackass to a backward looking jack-off and that was a transformation?

But you’d never doubt it if you were just listening to the mainstream media.  They just can’t seem to get a big enough mouthful of papal cock.  He’s going to rededicate the church, you see, to dealing with global poverty.  The guy that’s moving into the golden palace built on crusade booty, confiscated Jewish fortunes and the tears of tortured children is going to rededicate the church to global poverty.

Well, I suppose the first step in that direction would be to lift the nonsensical, anti-scientific contraception ban that even the vast majority of Catholics think is stupid right?  No?  Not going to move on that one, huh?  Despite the fact that it would be the single most significant thing you could possibly do to combat global poverty and it would be free, easy and instantaneous.  Still not going to do it, eh?

Well don’t worry, I’m sure that in the absence of action the hard-hitting media will continue to pretend you’re transforming something despite the fact that you head the most static, moth-eaten, obsolete, perpetually pertinacious institution in the history of the world.  After all, we’re all getting bored with the whole “kid fucking” narrative and as long as the media isn’t talking about that, I suppose Pope Francesca is transforming something.



A Letter Home From Hitler Camp

February 18, 2013 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright

Until now, little was known about Joseph Ratzinger’s time in the “Hitler Youth”. Recently, the following letter surfaced, purporting to be a hand-written note sent from the Pope-to-be to his parents during a summer away at Hitler Camp.

Hey mom and dad,

Writing to tell you what a good time I’m having at Mein Camp.  Thanks for not sending me to that stupid Bible camp.  I think we can all agree that Catholicism is ridiculous.

Everybody is really cool and friendly.  Lots of foreskin and superior DNA, so that’s a plus. I’ve learned a lot, in only a few weeks.  The tenets of national socialism are quite an ethos.  Our generation really needs to take up the Aryan white mans’ burden, or else nobody will.  These guys make a lot of good points, and I’m thinking of going into politics.  I’m guessing that if I ever run for public office of some kind, my association with a reputable political party from a young age will be a nice resume piece.

Yesterday we did arts and crafts.  We made a whole bunch of lanyards, with these cool double triangle stars attached.  We also did this big collaborative piece, where we took this giant pile of shoes they gave us, and made a sculpture.

Then we had cartography class in the afternoon.  We all made a whole bunch of maps of different European cities, like Amsterdam, Warsaw, London, and Paris.

Finally, at the end of the day, they set up this big scavenger hunt.  The counselors hid 3 juice boxes in these abandoned buildings, and whoever found them won the prize.  So we’re all hunting around trying to find the juice. We searched for hours, and nobody could manage to uncover the elusive juice.  Somehow, I ended up winning when I found the juice under the floorboards.  The floorboards, can you believe it?!?  The juice had quite a sneaky hiding spot.  That is a lesson I won’t forget: If you’re ever looking to hide something really well, under the floorboards is a great spot.

Anyway, I’ve gotta wrap this up and get to sleep.  In the morning, I’m participating in the gold mein camp challenge.  Over near the building with all the shoes, there’s this big pile of ashes and we have to try to find the gold and jewelry inside.  Whoever finds the most, wins extra meth.

Miss you guys.