The Scathing Atheist

by Noah Lugeons

Wow, what a successful first 48 hours Pope Francine has had.  He’s already transformed the image of the Catholic church, righted centuries of racial bigotry, cured global poverty, refocused the Catholic religion on the core of Christ’s message and made everyone completely forget about the child rape and torture thing.

What’s that you say?  He hasn’t done any of that?  Oh, sorry, I was getting all my information from the American television media.

I’m already sick of hearing about what a transformative figure Pope Franky is.  It’s not just the fallacious notion that anybody can be considered “transformative” after two days on the job (much of that spent sleeping).  We went from a sexist, scandal-plagued, geriatric, mentally-antiquated man of European decent to a sexist, scandal-plagued, geriatric, mentally-antiquated man of different European ancestry and this was a transformation?  We went from a backwards thinking jackass to a backward looking jack-off and that was a transformation?

But you’d never doubt it if you were just listening to the mainstream media.  They just can’t seem to get a big enough mouthful of papal cock.  He’s going to rededicate the church, you see, to dealing with global poverty.  The guy that’s moving into the golden palace built on crusade booty, confiscated Jewish fortunes and the tears of tortured children is going to rededicate the church to global poverty.

Well, I suppose the first step in that direction would be to lift the nonsensical, anti-scientific contraception ban that even the vast majority of Catholics think is stupid right?  No?  Not going to move on that one, huh?  Despite the fact that it would be the single most significant thing you could possibly do to combat global poverty and it would be free, easy and instantaneous.  Still not going to do it, eh?

Well don’t worry, I’m sure that in the absence of action the hard-hitting media will continue to pretend you’re transforming something despite the fact that you head the most static, moth-eaten, obsolete, perpetually pertinacious institution in the history of the world.  After all, we’re all getting bored with the whole “kid fucking” narrative and as long as the media isn’t talking about that, I suppose Pope Francesca is transforming something.