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A Letter Home From Hitler Camp

by Heath Enwright

Until now, little was known about Joseph Ratzinger’s time in the “Hitler Youth”. Recently, the following letter surfaced, purporting to be a hand-written note sent from the Pope-to-be to his parents during a summer away at Hitler Camp.

Hey mom and dad,

Writing to tell you what a good time I’m having at Mein Camp.  Thanks for not sending me to that stupid Bible camp.  I think we can all agree that Catholicism is ridiculous.

Everybody is really cool and friendly.  Lots of foreskin and superior DNA, so that’s a plus. I’ve learned a lot, in only a few weeks.  The tenets of national socialism are quite an ethos.  Our generation really needs to take up the Aryan white mans’ burden, or else nobody will.  These guys make a lot of good points, and I’m thinking of going into politics.  I’m guessing that if I ever run for public office of some kind, my association with a reputable political party from a young age will be a nice resume piece.

Yesterday we did arts and crafts.  We made a whole bunch of lanyards, with these cool double triangle stars attached.  We also did this big collaborative piece, where we took this giant pile of shoes they gave us, and made a sculpture.

Then we had cartography class in the afternoon.  We all made a whole bunch of maps of different European cities, like Amsterdam, Warsaw, London, and Paris.

Finally, at the end of the day, they set up this big scavenger hunt.  The counselors hid 3 juice boxes in these abandoned buildings, and whoever found them won the prize.  So we’re all hunting around trying to find the juice. We searched for hours, and nobody could manage to uncover the elusive juice.  Somehow, I ended up winning when I found the juice under the floorboards.  The floorboards, can you believe it?!?  The juice had quite a sneaky hiding spot.  That is a lesson I won’t forget: If you’re ever looking to hide something really well, under the floorboards is a great spot.

Anyway, I’ve gotta wrap this up and get to sleep.  In the morning, I’m participating in the gold mein camp challenge.  Over near the building with all the shoes, there’s this big pile of ashes and we have to try to find the gold and jewelry inside.  Whoever finds the most, wins extra meth.

Miss you guys.

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