Archive
Patron Saint of Genital Diseases Could be Yours!
by Noah Lugeons
Sometimes, I only wish I was kidding.
Next Sunday you will have the option of purchasing the decapitated head of Saint Vitalis of Assissi at auction. As if this wasn’t macabre enough, the head belongs to the patron saint of genital diseases.
Instead of focusing on what a post-mortem “fuck you” it is to be posthumously associated with genital warts, I’d rather take the angle that I don’t think the Catholic Church can really afford to be giving up that relic. Given the ever-expanding scope of the sexual abuse scandal, it’s only a matter of time before they really need this guy. Or, at the very least, their victims might.
Apparently St. Vitalis of Assisi was something of a player in his life (and with a name like “Vitalis”, how could he not be?). He spent the first half of his days fucking everything he could hold down and the last half atoning for those sins. No word on how many venereal diseases he managed to collect in his lifetime, but clearly it was enough that “genital disease” was the first thing that popped to mind when people thought about him after death.
But now, centuries later, his mortal remains have become something of a ghastly souvenir. The auction house expects his skull to sell for somewhere between $1200 and $1800 according to published reports. I can only imagine how bad your syphilis has to get before you’re willing to spend $1800 on a pagan relic to get rid of it, but that’s beside the point.
What is the point?
Well, that’s hard to answer and it’s even harder to answer without the use of a dick-joke, but I’ll try:
There is a worldwide institution with about 1.1 billion members that thinks that the skull of some Lothario has the magical powers to rid them of their pubic lice. Nevermind that the same institution is guilty of a worldwide child-rape cover-up and continues to depress the availability of condoms in AIDS ravaged Africa. Nevermind that they illegally influence the sovereignty of other nations. Nevermind the fact that they suppress the truth about their perverse and demonic history. The pertinent fact remains that these are people that think a 700 year old skull has super powers, and there are a billion of them.
Just keep this in mind next time someone accuses you of being “disrespectful” to their faith. Does a group that worships the remains of a 14th century philanderer really deserve anyone’s respect?
Dear Bryan Fischer, Shut Your God Damned Mouth
by Noah Lugeons
The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer isn’t so sure about the whole “free speech” thing. He doesn’t think its bad enough that America hasn’t gotten around to wiping all the blasphemy laws off the books, he wants to see them enforced.
And don’t tell him about no Constitution. He don’t wanna hear it.
He makes his point in the eloquent, stumbling manner we’ve come to expect from the echo-chamber education of our bible college turnouts. You can hear it on this YouTube video if you want to, but I wouldn’t recommend it. I’ll save you the trouble, though I’ll be unable to convey the full extent of the verbal slapstick he falls into when trying to pronounce words like “Lord”.
His argument against the constitutionality of fining people for taking the lord’s name in vain is made in two misguided points. The first is about an NBA player who was fined $50,000 for using a bigoted term against gays (with a ‘fucking’ added as a modifier) and poor Ed Shultz, who finds himself on a leave of absence after insulting some slut.
If the first thing you thought when you read those examples was “well, those aren’t examples of people being fined by the government, but rather the enforcement of a contract to which both parties previously agreed”, congratulations, you’re smarter than the American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer.
But nevermind the time-honored and proven foundations of our society, why not be more like Iran or Pakistan? Why not take our already overblown sensibilities to every potentially offensive word or phrase and add civil penalties? We really need to find something to keep that judicial system busy anyway, right?
This is typical theocratic extremism and it’s becoming more and more common from America’s Red State rebellion. They love to wrap themselves in the American flag; they like to perpetuate the myth that the founding fathers were all deeply religious; they love to sing patriotic songs and drive around with patriotic stickers. But when it comes to the principles upon which the country was founded, they get a little shakier.
What is America? Is it simply a space within a boundary? If America is no more than a geographical distinction, there is no reason to be patriotic or have national pride. But if America is a collection of ideas enacted, a forward thinking governmental construct that challenged the dogma of the age and revolutionized the social contract there is plenty to be proud of. If America is an ideal in itself, it makes sense to get teary eyed when you look at the flag.
But if America is just a tough word to rhyme into a country song, claiming patriotism is a platitude. You can not love the country if you fight against the ideal. We, the majority, would like to move forward as it is the manner that is consistent with the way our calendars work. If you want to move into the past, be my guest. Just don’t try to take the rest of us with you.
Normally I would have closed on that, but given the nature of the article, I can’t forget to blaspheme. So Bryan Fischer, you are a god-damned, jesus-jerking, moses-molesting whore of the holy ghost. Fuck you and your antiquated nincompoopery.
Even the Brainless are People in Alabama
by Noah Lugeons
According to the Alabama state senate, you don’t need a brain to be considered a person in their state. You don’t need a beating heart or a functional nervous system… hell, you don’t even need to be multicellular.
SB 301 passed the state senate by more than a 3-1 margin yesterday. The bill, which still has to pass in the House, would redefine the term “person” to include zygotes. In the bills own words, “The term ‘persons’ as used in the Code of Alabama 1975, shall include any human being from the moment of fertilization and implantation into the womb.”
This is actually a slight back pedal from the original wording, which would have defined personhood as beginning at fertilization with no requisite implantation. Luckily, they compromised to a position that is only 98.945% insane.
This is, of course, only one in a long list of anti-abortion measures that various red states seek to implement on this legislative calender. In a brazen attempt to fire up the base of their opposition, Republicans rode to majorities nationwide by promising fiscal responsibility and then used that victory to claim a mandate against women’s reproductive rights.
The fact that such a law is scientifically untenable and reduces a complex ethical dilemma into kindergarten logic left the senators unphased. In a 23-7 vote, they decided it was alright to classify abortion as murder. The bill makes no provisions for rape, incest or the safety of the mother.
It is also, of course, political masturbation. It likely won’t pass in the house and even if it did it would be quickly struck down even by today’s conservative leaning Supreme Court. It is a theatrical and inhumane way of courting religio-tards. It is a mere spectacle of Jesosity. And, of course, while the state senate pisses away resources debating the rights of the unicellular, the people’s work goes undone.
There is, of course, strong opposition to this bill from within the state. But the strongest opposition comes from the voices who say that the bill doesn’t go far enough. While there are certainly progressive voices within the state battling this draconian misogyny, they are being drowned out by those who say that life begins at fertilization, not implantation. They’ve gone so far as to cite extremely rare cases where women carry babies to term outside of the uterus.
But I say why stop there? Why should we wait for fertilization? I say that, in the words of history’s greatest comedy troupe, every sperm is sacred. I say that every thirteen year old boy with a bottle of hand lotion and an internet connection is a murderer. Hell, with the advent of cloning, every cell on the body has the potential to become a human being so shouldn’t scratching at a sunburn count as murder as well?
I think it’s safe to say that, as a general rule, if your position on an issue is so indefensible that it requires redefining what a human being is, you’re on the wrong side of the issue.
The ACLU: Banner Banners
by Noah Lugeons
Gotta love the ACLU.
The ACLU announced yesterday that they would be filing a lawsuit to force a Boston area school to remove an explicitly Christian banner from the school’s auditorium. Apparently just pointing out that the law expressly forbids it hanging there wasn’t enough to convince the school, who voted to keep the banner up when the same issue was brought before them last year.
The ability of Christians to play “repressed” never fails to amaze me. In a nation where virtually every position of power in the government is controlled by a Christian, every president through our nation’s history has been Christian (unless you believe Bradlee Dean) and Christianity enjoys a cornucopia of privileges not granted to other faiths, still the holier-than-me of the world will claim oppression whenever they are expected to play by the same rules as everyone else.
Keep in mind that when atheists put a harmless sign on a bus with the pussy-footing message of “There’s probably no God”, the Christians get apoplectic. They sue, they protest, they write angry letters to the editor and eventually vandalize the signs. This is their reaction to a message so watered down it’s drowning. This is their reaction when we simply say “by the way, we also exist”.
And yet, somehow in the miswired mind of the faithful, it’s perfectly okay to indoctrinate the children of atheists (not to mention Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists and those of any other faith). So much so that it will require action by the courts just to get them to stop flaunting their majority in a way that is expressly forbidden in the Constitution.
I’m okay with Christians claiming oppression, but shouldn’t we at least get the joy of oppressing them first? If they were complaining because they were being fed to lions, I would completely understand that. I’d also be on You-Tube searching every derivative of the words “Christian”, “Lion” and “Disemboweled”.
I’ll never understand how the Christian brain manages to overcome the inherent paradox of saying that they are being treated unfairly because they are being treated the same way as everyone else.
By the way, I double checked… there are no You-Tube results for Christian, Lion, Disemboweled. All for the best… it might have been a video of CS Lewis’ Jesus allegory getting ripped open.
Man Arrested for Planning to Kill Abortion Provider
by Noah Lugeons
It’s happened again. Much to the surprise of the evangelical pseudo-radicals, their vicious and careless rhetoric about “killing babies” has spurred one of their half-baked followers to seek an “eye for an eye”.
63-year-old Ralph Lang was arrested in Madison, Wisconsin late Wednesday night when he accidentally fired off a round in his motel room. The motel was conveniently located near a planned parenthood center where Lang allegedly intended to take the Lord’s work into his own hands.
This was not the first time Lang ran afoul of the law with regards to his anti-abortion lunacy. He was arrested in 2007 outside another Madison Planned Parenthood facility, where he apparently told the police that everyone in the building should be executed. Because apparently when Jesus said “turn the other cheek” it was so that you wouldn’t get blinded by the muzzle flash.
This type of psychotic, self-righteous rampage is far too easy for the mentally unhinged to justify. When they hear the venomous rhetoric of “baby-killer” from the trusted lips of their clergy and the horrific growl of their favorite talk-radio host, one should not be surprised that they take it seriously. We are mere days from the second anniversary of the assassination of Dr. George Tiller and yet the violent tone of the religious right’s balderdash has, if anything, amplified.
There is no doubt that we will hear from the apologists in the coming days. They will implore us not to paint every Christian or anti-abortion advocate with the same broad brush. They will accuse people like me of anti-religious bigotry (guilty!) for pinning blame on the mouthpieces that direct lunatics like Ralph Lang. They will distance themselves from this self-styled Christian warrior and say that they can’t be blamed for the actions of every lone lunatic out there.
But their arguments seem rather disingenuous. A few states away in nearby South Dakota and Nebraska the state legislatures have proposed laws that would expand the definition of “justifiable homicide” to include the murder of abortion providers. Until I see the churches organizing rallies to fight these proposals and marching on the capitol buildings of both states, I will discard their objections. When you fill people’s heads with the notion that a medical procedure is tantamount to murder you deserve the blame when those people take you seriously.
Ralph Lang actually believes that abortion doctors are out there killing babies day in and day out. If I thought there was someone, or worse, an organized group of people murdering babies, I would take my gun in hand as well. I’d like to think that I’d have the sense not to accidentally discharge it in my motel room the night before, but that happens to every guy as they get older, I suppose. The problem is the rhetoric. The problem is the terminology. When you start by accusing your opponents of being heartless murderers it’s gonna be tough to slip into a level-headed negotiation later.
Fred Phelps to Protest Memorial Service in Joplin, MO
by Noah Lugeons
There is no level of vile, inhumane, despicable, heinous, venomous heartlessness that would be considered unreasonable for the Westboro Baptist Church. There is no limit to their thoughtless bigotry. There is no act so unconscionable that we would put it passed Fred Phelps and his loyal band of homophobes.
No sooner had the dust settled over the devastation in Joplin, Missouri than the WBC was loudly proclaiming it to be the latest act of their spiteful and small-minded deity. Their website proudly proclaims this vast smiting to be yet another example of their fag-hating-god and his insatiable blood lust.
Filled with phrases like “We pray for your destruction…”, “God will not acquit you evil beasts of MO (who have sex with animals among your filthy sins)…” and, perhaps most telling of the dark and tortured part of the psyche their religiosity comes from, “Too many dead bodies to bury! That’s God’s Glory!”, their letter of praise to their vicious and petty lord reads like a love letter to death.
And they make it clear that this occasion requires the use of their most familiar weapon; bigoted picket signs.
It amazes me that our nation’s admirable defense of open-mindedness is such a ready tool for the small-minded. Our principled refusal to shut these people up exonerates our nation from the charges that Phelps levels against it (though I’m not sure it exonerates Obama from the charge of being the Anti-Christ). We, as a nation, are considerate even of the inconsiderate.
That is admirable if problematic. Putting up with the ranting, inbred fucktardery of people like Fred Phelps is a small price to pay for free speech and open dialogue. I just hope that there are plenty of us who are willing to stoop to Phelps level when he dies.
I’ve heard a lot of talk about protesting at Phelps funeral… or at least using it as an excuse to have a party as close to his funeral as legally allowable. I might be in for that, but ultimately it would be pointless. He’ll be dead and decomposing and won’t have the remotest inkling that anything ever happened. If you really wanted to turn the tables on him, it would have to be the funeral of his wife or a beloved son. Only then could he glean the slightest understanding of the suffering he’s caused to so many grieving parents.
But even then, his moral absolutism would shield him. When people speak for god, they are invincible. All who speak of god are in some way responsible for the misanthropy of douche-nozzles like Phelps. By empowering an invisible, fictional character with absolute ethical authority you leave a void where any lunatic who chooses to can stand in and speak for him. After all, it’s not like god can speak for himself. Does it matter if two people who claim to speak for the same imaginary space-daddy say different things? How can one message be more valid than the other?
The Pretty Problem
by Noah Lugeons
The atheist blogosphere is abuzz this week, as it should be, over the charges of sexism within our movement. Greta Christina had a thorough and thoughtful piece on it. PZ Myers threw in as well. I’m not going to rehash the charges, the apologies, the accusations and the resolutions. Suffice to say that it all centers around comments made by a rather attractive atheist vlogger, ZOMGitsCriss who does some pretty good videos while simultaneously being hot.
There hasn’t been criticism against her, of course, but rather against a number of thoughtless comments about how important it is to have more sexy atheists so that people would look at us more. I’m decimating the details here but if you want the skinny, feel free to check the links above. For my purposes, the bare bones sketch I just gave is more than enough.
See, it turns out that the church is having the same problem. They’ve discovered that having sexy vicars can help fill the pews with the added benefits that the molested boys will complain far less often. They don’t see this as a problem, per se, but it has to feel threatening if you’re the Raisenette centurion that she’s opening for.
I dont’ want to talk out of school or anything, but it appears they even have the same problem in broadcast news.
So let me make my point as delicately as possible. Unlike the news media and the Vatican, I think that the atheist community is moving in the right direction on this issue. Sexism is not an atheist problem, it’s a cultural problem that touches everything we touch. It is present in advertising, education, academia, entertainment, employment, religion, government and, of course, atheism.
We should be talking about these issues and we are, but it’s not fair to characterize that as the “first step”. It’s more like a first rocking forward in anticipation of lifting the foot. Talking is not stepping.
And this is not a new issue either. A number of small things have touched off this debate in the past and PZ Myers has been sounding the general alarm on this issue for some time. He’s strongly urged the inclusion of more women and minorities at atheist conventions and panels. This would represent an actual step and there is some evidence that it’s happening.
But a real step is in finding the common ground between atheism and feminism. I think it’s clear to everyone that the biggest common field in the Venn diagram of social issues here is abortion. Abortion is a right that is under constant attack from religious fundamentalism and far too often the atheists stand back in order to avoid the label of being politically biased.
There are a few secular arguments against the right to have an abortion. I don’t find any of them remotely convincing, but it is fair to acknowledge that the “Pro-Life” movement is not comprised entirely of rabid, inbred young-earthers. There are deeper questions of social and ethical concerns surrounding abortion than “Jesus wouldn’t want it!”, but those arguments are not heard in the echo chamber of fundies. Regardless of where you stand on the issue, all reasonable people recognize that a delicate moral line has to be drawn around the issue. But it’s impossible to have a reasonable argument with an unreasonable opponent, and good luck finding a reasonable religious extremist.
I don’t need to tell the liberals or the feminists why they should rabidly oppose the detestable wave of anti-abortion legislative trickery that is sweeping through America and, as Rebecca Watson points out, nobody should have to tell the atheists either. Regardless of your feelings or relative passions regarding this issue, the fact remains that religious fundamentalists stand on the verge of overtaking a right consistently upheld by the Supreme Court just because their god says no.
This fight need not only be about the right of a woman to exercise dominion over her own body. It need not only be about reproductive rights and equal respect for both halves of humanity, though that should be plenty enough to get everyone fired up. It is also about the ability of the religious right to trample upon the full freedom of American citizens and that is something that should have every atheist getting out their torches and pitchforks*.
*actual torches and pitchforks not recommended.
We Need Towel Day Carols
by Noah Lugeons
Today we celebrate Towel Day, one of the greatest of secular holidays. This is a day we set aside to remember the works of the great Douglas Adams, author of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series and the less often cited but no less hilarious Dirk Gently series.
Adams was pivotal in my personal trip toward atheism. I had already lost by belief by the time my cousin gave me his tattered copy of the Hitchhiker’s Guide. I was about 12 at the time and it was the first time I’d seen religion unapologetically lampooned in a work of fiction. It was the first time I’d seen anyone treat religion the way that I always saw atheism treated. It was the first time in my short and limited experience that I felt like it was okay not to believe in god.
The atheist thread runs deep in all of Adam’s works and he was an outspoken atheist and skeptic throughout his public life. His works continue to inspire and amuse and while it is hard to call such a recent work timeless, it is harder to imagine a day when analogies like:
“The ships hung in the air much in the way that bricks don’t”
will cease to be funny.
In addition to inspiring me to embraced my disbelief, Douglas Adams is also the person that inspired me to write. He sparked a lifelong passion that has done more to define the person that I am than anything else.
I will carry my towel with pride today.
I’m too late this year, but I’d like to put out an open call from the wide expanse of the interwebs (or the laser-narrow portion that reads this blog) for plenty of Towel Day Carols for next year. I can’t imagine anything that would be a more appropriate tribute to the life and works of Douglas Adams than a bunch of sacrilegious, sarcastic songs about a bullshit holiday celebrating towels.
I’d like to close this brief tribute with one of the most atheist appropriate quotes that one could find in Adam’s writings:
“Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?”
Harold Camping: 3rd Time’s the Charm!
by Noah Lugeons
This is why I’ll never understand the faithful. Harold Camping predicted the rapture would happen on September 7th of 1994. When that didn’t happen, he predicted it again in 2011.
So let’s try to get beyond that first. You fail in predicting something as grandiose as the fucking rapture, you shouldn’t be qualified to guess weight at a carnival from that point forward. If a scientist predicted the end of the world and then it failed to pass, nobody on this planet would listen to anything that scientist said again but to mock it.
But religion doesn’t work that way. Harold Camping got a mulligan.
And it wasn’t even like his followers were slightly less credulous the second time around. It would be easy to say that after being burned once you’d at least accept the possibility that he was going to come up short again this time. But if you look at the results from this latest failure it seems that if anything, their faith in their leader increased. At the very least their financial support grew if the national advertising blitzkrieg is anything to judge by.
From my rational, atheistic point of view it seems like the idea of going out to witness the end of mankind again would be a red flag in itself. But not for these unquestioning Camp-ites. They are doubly sure this time because they were wrong the time before.
Different year, same result. No rapture. And Camping gets a mulligan.
That’s right. Camping has spoken. Turns out that the rapture did occur on Saturday. I figured as much… as though he might suggest that us linen-wearing, indiscriminate meat-eaters weren’t good enough to be spared, but he chose the more “loving Jesus” approach to the whole thing.
Camping’s explanation for why the rapture failed to happen is simple. Jesus reappeared and took a look at humanity and his big-old Jesusy heart just couldn’t bear to put us through all that torment. But have no fears, Camping isn’t backing off from his original October deadline for the actual end of the world. He’s just saying that Christ didn’t have the heart to rapture his loyal followers up to sky-candy land. Seems that this pang of conscience didn’t extend to not actually killing everyone and sending the vast majority to an eternity of suffering in Hell.
I’m sure Camping lost some of his flock, but if even one person is still clinging to the ramblings of this deranged old kook it is one too many. Come to think of it, I feel the same way about Jesus.
A Letter to the Pope: Saint Starbucks
by Noah Lugeons
Yet again, the papacy has spent a week highlighting its own ineptitude. The reign of Pope Benedict XVI continues to be marked by a long and embarrassing series of revelations as to the depth of the sex abuse scandal, broken only by misguided and increasingly asinine attempts to recover their public image.
This week began with the pope issuing yet another new guideline for dealing with accusations of clerical abuse. Yet again the report failed to recognize the institutional role in the scandal and again put the power over these matters in the hands of the local bishops who have the greatest incentive to cover things up. This latest revision reduces the focus on outside groups unaffiliated with the church. What’s worse is that they continue to act as though the correct response to this abomination is to handle it within the church rather than allow the courts to deal with it in the way that secular societies demand.
But this was only the first fuck-up this week and Pope Benny is nothing if not an overachiever. To further embarrass the pontiff, a new report was released a few days later detailing a long study of the root causes of the unchecked pedophilia. The study, funded entirely by the church and collected from data provided entirely by the church, took four years and cost upwards of $2 million.
The John Jay College of Criminal Justice published the findings of the report a few days ago and strangely enough, very little of the blame was placed on the institution itself and its policy of 3-pedophile-Monte. Instead, they chose to blame those damn kids with their long hair and their rock music.
Through it all, Pope Benny hangs his head in shame and wishes old Harold Camping had been right about the rapture. He’s tried his damnedest to produce a newsworthy story about Catholics that doesn’t include the words “child” and “molestation” in conjunction. They’ve put John Paul in the beatification express line and waived all the normal waiting periods and traditional taboos in hopes of cashing in on the popularity of the pope who actually presided over the pedophilia scandal. But it’s not enough.
Well, ever since he pulled me free from that alligator infested phone booth (remind me to tell you the story sometime), I feel like I owe Pope Benny and in his hour of need I want to be there for him. So I’ve come up with an idea that might help take the focus of their literal translation of the whole “coming unto the children” bit: E-Bay Canonizations.
Think of the potential here. The Vatican could engage a younger, more internet savvy audience, they could raise some money to make up for the billions they’ve paid out in hush money to rape victims, they would get new pagan idols to pray to and, best of all, the outrage would take some of the focus off the sex abuse scandal and the Catholic Church’s appalling stance on contraception.
I can see the papacy resisting this idea, of course. If you just offer sainthood to the highest bidder than you couldn’t end up venerating PZ Myers or Steven Colbert so I also come bearing a plan B. You could just establish a market rate for sainthood and attach a rider that allows you to boot us heretical non believers. I would imagine any company that does heavy business in South America would be happy to pay a premium for an officially recognized canonization.
If that’s too much, you could even give existing saints sponsors. I could see a defense attorney shelling out big bucks to sponsor Saint Jude. Blue Cross/Blue Shield could start a bidding war with Humana over Saint Luke. For a smaller fee, a local doctor could sponsor Saint Werenfridus, the patron saint of stiff joints.
I know this idea might sound extreme, but it will cost a hell of a lot less than your bullshit study and it couldn’t possibly make you look stupider than you look endorsing a study that blames your institutional indiscretion on the Love Generation.
The Scathing Atheist 