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Dear Bryan Fischer, Shut Your God Damned Mouth

by Noah Lugeons

The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer isn’t so sure about the whole “free speech” thing. He doesn’t think its bad enough that America hasn’t gotten around to wiping all the blasphemy laws off the books, he wants to see them enforced.

And don’t tell him about no Constitution.  He don’t wanna hear it.

He makes his point in the eloquent, stumbling manner we’ve come to expect from the echo-chamber education of our bible college turnouts. You can hear it on this YouTube video if you want to, but I wouldn’t recommend it. I’ll save you the trouble, though I’ll be unable to convey the full extent of the verbal slapstick he falls into when trying to pronounce words like “Lord”.

His argument against the constitutionality of fining people for taking the lord’s name in vain is made in two misguided points. The first is about an NBA player who was fined $50,000 for using a bigoted term against gays (with a ‘fucking’ added as a modifier) and poor Ed Shultz, who finds himself on a leave of absence after insulting some slut.

If the first thing you thought when you read those examples was “well, those aren’t examples of people being fined by the government, but rather the enforcement of a contract to which both parties previously agreed”, congratulations, you’re smarter than the American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer.

But nevermind the time-honored and proven foundations of our society, why not be more like Iran or Pakistan? Why not take our already overblown sensibilities to every potentially offensive word or phrase and add civil penalties? We really need to find something to keep that judicial system busy anyway, right?

This is typical theocratic extremism and it’s becoming more and more common from America’s Red State rebellion. They love to wrap themselves in the American flag; they like to perpetuate the myth that the founding fathers were all deeply religious; they love to sing patriotic songs and drive around with patriotic stickers. But when it comes to the principles upon which the country was founded, they get a little shakier.

What is America? Is it simply a space within a boundary? If America is no more than a geographical distinction, there is no reason to be patriotic or have national pride. But if America is a collection of ideas enacted, a forward thinking governmental construct that challenged the dogma of the age and revolutionized the social contract there is plenty to be proud of. If America is an ideal in itself, it makes sense to get teary eyed when you look at the flag.

But if America is just a tough word to rhyme into a country song, claiming patriotism is a platitude. You can not love the country if you fight against the ideal. We, the majority, would like to move forward as it is the manner that is consistent with the way our calendars work. If you want to move into the past, be my guest. Just don’t try to take the rest of us with you.

Normally I would have closed on that, but given the nature of the article, I can’t forget to blaspheme. So Bryan Fischer, you are a god-damned, jesus-jerking, moses-molesting whore of the holy ghost. Fuck you and your antiquated nincompoopery.

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