The Scathing Atheist

by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript may include portions that were edited out due to time constraints)

Sponsor

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.  So if you’re tired of the J Dubs loitering on your porch and you find that candles and birthday cake doesn’t scare them off the way they used to, turn to the experts in cruel and elaborate front porch security systems.

Act now and get three free alligators when you upgrade to the new moat and drawbridge package.  Jehovah’s Witness Protection, because there are worse things to have on your porch than a flaming bag of shit.

And now the Scathing Atheist

Intro

It’s Thursday, it’s September 19th and this sentence is a palindrome…

mordnilap a si ecnetnes siht.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from “Rapture City” New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

• Lucinda will join us in the Holy Babble segment to take the edge off the concubine gang rape jokes,

• Christians will drink poop,

• And we’ll learn that every time a pastor beats you off, a fairy gets its wings.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe

I’ve got a friend who has one of those jobs where occasionally you have to take phone calls from people who bitch at you for things you have nothing to do with.  Oh, and for our younger listeners, phone calls are like real time, voice activated audio-texts.

Anyway, so the other day I ran into him and he was dying to tell me about one such conversation.  Some dude had called to complain about some company policy that was set by somebody in another country.  So while he’s bitching, my buddy explains that he doesn’t actually set the company’s policies and has no control over them.

To which his animated caller goes all prematurely Godwin and tells him that he’s no different than the guards at them there concentration camps.

Exhibiting a nearly Herculean amount of patience, my friend calmly asks the guy to dial back his rhetoric a bit and then the jerk tosses out a response so indefensibly stupid I had to write a diatribe about it.

He said: “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a pastor.  I’m used to fighting for the weak.”

I don’t want to bog this down with boring details of the policy the guy was complaining about, so I’ll just say that him bitching about it had about as little to do with “fighting for the weak” as being a pastor does, so I can only imagine the befuddled silence and stifled laughter that the assertion actually provoked.

My first thought upon hearing the story was “fight for the weak, eh?  So you guys are paying taxes now?  Because every time I earn a dollar a chunk of it goes to the weak.  Every time I pay my property taxes they go to the weak.  How about you?  Who pays your tax-free salary again?  The weak?  Got it.”

But that’s far from being the most ludicrous delusion in that sentence.  This person is actually invoking a career in taking advantage of people, deluding people, indoctrinating children, fighting against reality, opposing social progress and believing in fairy tales, and for this he thinks he’s entitled to some level of respect.

I’m not just stupid, I majored in stupid.  I have an advanced degree in stupid.  I’ve devoted my life to stupid.

Well somehow I’m still not impressed.  I’d be more impressed if you had a masters degree in My Little Ponies because… My Little Ponies are actually pretty awesome and bronie or no, I guarantee you’ll find more morality in those cartoons than you’ll find in the bible.

“I’m a pastor…”  And for that you deserve some kind of deference?  You know, given the fact that we’re gonna be leading off headlines this week with a story about a pastor raping children for the third week in a row I don’t know how the fuck you try to attach that profession with morality.  If he said, “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a pastor, I’m used to sexually abusing the weak”, I’d have simply applauded him for his honesty.

And you know what, maybe this dude does “fight for the weak”.  Maybe he’s out there right now with his metaphorical boxing gloves on kicking the shit out of hunger and homelessness at this very moment.  But if he is, it ain’t cause he’s a fucking pastor.  It’s because he’s a moral person.  The CEO for Panera Bread fights for the weak too but I bet he wouldn’t excuse his assholery on the phone by saying, “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a CEO, I’m used to fighting for the weak.”

The very fact that such a thing as a degree in theology exists is an insult to education.  Think about it.  We’d be pretty fucked if we woke up tomorrow and all the world’s surgeons were gone.  Or all the world’s physicists.  Or all the world’s firefighters or teachers or plumbers or carpenters or jizz moppers or truck drivers or pharmacists.  And we’d at least be horribly inconvenienced if we woke up tomorrow and there were no podcasters, jugglers, musicians or masked vigilantes.

But what would happen if we lost all the theologists?  Where would we get our nothing?  If all the world’s pastors were abducted by aliens tomorrow, who would molest our children?  Who would fleece our uneducated?  Who would terrify our nieces and nephews?  Who would hate our fags?

Yeah.  You’re a pastor.  You wanna impress me?  Try getting a real job.  Like one where you have to take phone calls from assholes like you.

Headlines  

Joining me…

Joining me for headlines tonight is Noah Lugeons because if I talk first then you’re joining me.  I mean, we were both already here.

What the hell?  Next thing I know you’re gonna try to beat me to the lead story.

In our lead story tonight, a pastor in Iowa claims allegations of sexual abuse against him are just another big misunderstanding.  Ex-Pastor Brent Girouex pioneered a procedure he calls a Semen Exorcism, in which he jerks off kids until they stop being gay.

Alright, so the movie version would be called “Redeemin’ the Semen Demon” obviously, but I can’t decide if Michael Bay or Steven Soderbergh would direct.  One way or the other, Sharon Stone plays pastor Girouex.

He credits his success to such awful handjob technique, that even women do it better.  In particular, poor sense of cock, and also bad calluses – or the “lumber-jacking effect”.  Used in a sentence: “I got lumber-jacked by Pastor Brent, and now I prefer vagina.”

I don’t know… I’m finding his excuse a little hard to splatter on my tits.

One self-proclaimed rape victim – or exorcise partner – argued (quote) “But you can see how someone might think they were the victim of a gay pedophile, right?” (end quote) . . .

Isn’t it sad that pastor-rapes-child stories have to have an angle now to be newsworthy?  I mean, if it wasn’t for this dingleberry convincing himself that he could clear things up with the “Hey, it isn’t rape if we were praying defense,” this would be a non-story.  What?  Pastor raped 60 kids over a period of decades?  And how’s that news?

Somehow convinced he could smooth things over, the allegedly disgraced gay sexorcist allegedly spoke to detectives, and had words to say.  Here are those words.  Keep in mind, this an adult, talking to police about his activities with kids, trying NOT to get arrested . . .  

(quote) “When they would ejaculate-” Now right there.  Already a bad start . . .

(quote)“When they would ejaculate, they would be getting rid of the evil thoughts in their mind,” (end quote) . . .

And the science backs him up on this.  Thinking about ejaculating, ejaculating.  Those are the only two settings for the teenage male brain.

And in case you’re wondering if his punishment will be as stiff as his altar boys, 60 counts of sexual exploitation will land him in jail for as many as 24 hours.  He might leave after lunch, if he doesn’t manually service anyone inappropriately that morning.   

Yeah, he was originally sentenced to 17 years, but it was later reduced to probation and treatment when it was pointed out that the kids he molested were cured of their gayness.

New Rationale for Pedophilia: http://www.opposingviews.com/i/society/gay-issues/ex-pastor-brent-girouex-allegedly-had-sex-boys-help-them-homosexual-urges#

And in convenient…

And in convenient archaeology news, an Israeli team has uncovered a new cache of Jew gold, and some other really old unfabricated stuff, proving conclusively that Judaism actually existed long before 1948.  Along with 36 gold coins, and a medallion with a menorah drawing, they found a tablet etching that read “Jewish Jesus was here first”.  

Well if nothing else, I suppose this finally settles the “who owns the temple mount” question.  Which is a shame because I was still holding out hope that it would ultimately be adjudicated by a winner take all wet-burka contest.

Just when Israel was about to cave, and peacefully concede a bunch of land to Palestine, they find perfectly preserved title deeds, corresponding precisely to all the dibs in the Old Testament, including Holy Water Works and all four railroads.  

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could talk it out like a Monopoly trade?

“Tell you what, I’ll give you Marvin Gardens and Hotels for Gaza, you give me the Temple Mount and that other green one.”

This all sounds like rock solid proof of cosmic historical ownership.  I’m sure they would reconsider if they ever found an Islamic artifact buried in Jerusalem, which they clearly have not.  All of a sudden, you might see the stubborn side of Netanyahu, as opposed to his normal, silky smooth, placating diplomacy with neighboring “so-called” countries.  Let’s all hope this doesn’t lead to instability in the region.  

Ok sarcastically mocking the Jews . . . Check.  Are the Christians up to any stupid shit?  

Jews find more jew gold: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/09/10/ancient-treasure-trove-uncovered-near-temple-mount/

And in “The… (pause) And in… you gonna…?

No, go ahead.

And in “the Holy Shit joke would be too easy” news tonight, a recent study has discovered that the majority of the world’s holy water contains dangerous amounts of fecal matter.  Because when we said the church was feeding you shit, we only thought it was metaphorical.

I love it!!!  Christians are honest-to-god shit sippers!!!    

The only way this gets worse for them, is getting that awkward email from Jesus, saying he has AIDS, and everyone who’s had contact with his blood should get tested.   

Austrian researchers sampled water from 39 different holy springs and church fonts and discovered that the water was so blessed with vitality it was home to some 62 million bacteria per milliliter, including E coli, enterococci and campylobacter, a combination that comes in handy for anyone who needs to projectile defecate through a coffee filter and then die.

Christianity: Drink shit and die . . .  

You’d hope the church will finally have to break down and apologize for LITERALLY feeding their shit to the public, then the public shitting it out, wiping it on their hand, dipping it in the church basin, and then ingesting more shit, and then lethally projectile shitting out diarrhea, which is made up of the holy shit they drank.   

Dr Alexander Kirschner, a microbiologist from the Medical University of Vienna, recommend that priests act responsibly and put up signs warning people that the holy water has as much shit as the sermon.  But loyal Christian sewage garglers point out that their only drinking blessed remnants of fecal matter.

“Holy water number two number two cause of Christians being full of shit.”

Majority of world’s holy water found to contain fecal matter: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/14/most-holy-water-found-to-contain-not-so-holy-shit/

According to a pastor in Houston, all contracts are void if either party has their delicate religious sensibilities offended.  Apostle Michael Canty of the Truth Ministries Holiness Church – which sounds like a government building in “1984” – refused to marry a couple because the bride’s dress was too revealing.  

According to the article on Friendly Atheist (dot) com, the family assumed the pastor was wearing out a crappy joke when he repeatedly asked where the rest of the dress was.  Upon discovering that no, this wasn’t the pre-dress or anything, the pastor demanded that the bride-to-be cover up her breast area and lengthen the dress.  In thirty minutes.  Or he was taking his balls and going home.

Granted, the so-called wedding dress looks more like a tear-away stripper warm-up uniform . . .

But demanding a last minute, iron-on burqa attachment is asinine.  

Yeah… nothing says slutty like “I now take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband.”

All things considered, you probably don’t want to be married by a guy with a visible erection anyway . . . But it is refreshing to see a pastor aroused by an adult female.   

“Anyone who objects to this bridal gown should forever hold his piece… or at least turn it to one side and tuck it under his belt so the bulge isn’t as noticeable.”

Priest Can’t Perform Wedding With Visible Erection: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/10/pastor-refuses-to-marry-couple-an-hour-before-ceremony-because-brides-dress-is-too-sexy/

And in “The-Strong-Forearm-of-the-Law” news tonight, it turns out that an Indonesian lawmaker whose career has been defined by a single-minded obsession with pornography is obsessed with pornography

Fifty year old conservative MP Arifinto championed a law that called for prison terms for everything from public kissing to displaying lewd artwork and then managed to get caught surreptitiously watching pornography during a parliamentary debate.

In fairness, it’s important to point out that Arifinto’s not usually known as a master debater at these events, but wanting to display prominent member status on the parliament floor, he must have decided to get his feet wet that day.  

Images of the newly-disgraced, newly-unemployed hypocrite drooling over PornHub were captured by a photojournalist and quickly found their way into newspapers throughout the nation.  Indonesia, which boasts the world’s largest population of Muslims could not be reached, as the porn-starved nation was busy rubbing one out to the blurred images of whatever Arifinto was looking at.

Anti Porn MP resigns after getting caught watching porn: http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-202_162-20052796.html

Well that’s gonna to it for headlines tonight, Heath thanks for joining me tonight.

    Well that’s gonna to it for headlines tonight, Noah thanks for joining me tonight.

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to take some of the sting out of how bad the bible sucks..

Poem

Okay, so I think we can all agree that eventually this whole poem shtick is gonna wear thin if I don’t change it up here and there, so I’d like to now present the book of Judges, in Limericks.

There were a series of jews tasked with judging,

Through god’s incessant fits and begrudging,

So quick, alert CNN

As we learn once again,

That god’s a testy, forgetful curmudgeon

The first judge, Ehum, was left-handed.

The jews angered god so they got reprimanded

By an oppressive, fat lord,

So Ehum took his sword,

And shoved it so deep in the king’s gut it got stranded.

Deborah, the next judge, saw visions,

Upon which the jews made decisions.

Sisera’s armies attack,

So she goes with Barak,

And they use a stake as their chief ammunition.

Then there’s Gideon, whose kind of a dick,

He kills Midianites with a trumpet based trick,

With 300 men he achieves,

Something as hard to believe

As that god-awful Zack Snyder flick.

There’s Abimelech from just south of Ephraim,

Who figured all the jews should obey him,

So he tried to kill all his brothers,

But the youngest recovered,

And then suggested his subjects should slay him.

Then Jephthah who was the son of a whore

Took an oath; to the almighty he swore

That if his campaign didn’t fail

And god let them prevail,

He’d kill the first person that walked out his door.

There once was a fella named Samson,

He was strong, he could fight, he was handsome,

He set fire to some crops,

So they called the Ammonites cops,

And on his head they placed a king’s ransom.

So they demanded he succumb to the law,

But it turned out their plan had a flaw

Despite all their hopes,

He broke through their ropes.

And killed a thousand men with a animal jaw.

Then along came this chick named Delilah,

Who Samson had the urge to defile,

So as long as it took,

There’s good advice in this book:

Don’t your girlfriend be your hair-styler.

Babble

Ah, Judges, the disjointed and chronologically perplexing series of pointless short stories that really make you appreciate the parts of your life you spend not reading them.  So joining me to dig through this morass of spasmodic drivel is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome to the show.

Glad to be here.

And of course, to my left is my right hand man, Heath Enwright.  Heath, thanks for not stepping on my intro here.

Once is enough

Clearly Judges ranks high in terms of overall irrelevance, but let’s dive right in anyway, shall we?

1. So basically Joshua is dead and god didn’t think to have the divine Rico chart figured out in advance like he did with Moses.  So they kill everyone because damn it, that’s what Old Testament Jews do.

   1. This chapter is all over the place but it has all the staples we’ve come to expect out of the bible.  There’s slavery, xenophobia, incest, betrayal but most of all, genocide.

   2. You know there’s a lot of genocide in a book when by the end they just start listing the tribes that weren’t completely massacred.

• And just when you thought it was a little cruel to cut off the opposing general’s thumbs and big toes, the guy laughs it off, in confirmation of the Jews’ legendary comedic timing . . .

  • “You guys are gonna laugh too when I explain . . . I actually did this exact same ‘thumbs and big toes’ thing to seventy kings once, and made them eat my table scraps like dogs . . . So well-played Israelites.  I clearly deserve this.  You guys are a stitch.”  

2. And of course, if you aren’t genociding correctly, you’re gonna piss god off so in chapter two he sends an angel to bitch out the Jews for not murdering thoroughly enough.

• Yeah, a half-ass genocide’s never a good move.  That’s just normal mass murder.  That’s like swimming ninety percent across a river, seeing a few non-Jews onshore, and turning back without murdering them.    

3. Chapter 3 contains the weirdest assassination we’ve encountered yet.  Ehud the left-handed, kills Eglon the fat.  He pretends he has a secret message from god, gets the king by himself then kills him with a sword he’d been hiding in his taint.  Then he locks the door so everybody will think the king is taking a massive shit while he makes his escape.

4. Then there’s the only slightly less odd assassination of Sisera in chapter 4.  Here we meet Deborah, who is judging Israel at the moment.  She defeats an army with 900 chariots of iron.

   1. But during the ensuing battle, Sisera escapes on foot and he finds some chick in a tent and he’s all like “Hide me” and she says “sure, no problem” and then as soon as he falls asleep she drives a fucking tent pole through his head.

• Right, Jael: Gentile Vampire Slayer.  How do you hammer a post through someone’s temple while they’re sleeping?  Did she tap it in really softly to get it started.  Just isn’t believable … Women hammer nails about as well as they merge in traffic and earn equal pay.   

5. And then they relive the head-staking in song.

   1. I think Deborah is the first woman we meet in the bible that doesn’t get raped, murdered, sold, turned into a leper or forced to mutilate a penis.

• Yeah starting with Judges, it looks like the Bible might start getting a little preachy with all the feminism.  I just hope their progressive stance doesn’t take away from the rapey narrative that’s been working nicely so far.  

• If it aint broke . . .

6. So god gets bored of fucking with them he appears to Gideon and tells him to kill all the Midianites.

   1. And Gideon is skeptical of course, so he says, “If you’re really god, make this rug wet when I wake up in the morning.”  Seems like an odd test of divinity… “Hey god, bet you can’t piss on this rug!” but apparently god passed.

7. So Gideon gathers his army to attack the Midianites and god tells him “Any god could kick ass with that big an army.  Send all but 300 of them home, otherwise people will think I’m a pussy.”

   1. So Gideon sends home all the soldiers that don’t lap river water up with their tongue and they kick all the Midianites’ asses with trumpets and irrational fear.

• And then these weird-ass canine-tongued soldiers lift their legs and pee on the fallen enemies.  A few of them start licking the blood from open wounds, and it’s a little gross, but still somehow cute and endearing.  

8. Then in chapter 8 Gideon kills the kings and anyone else that fucks with him, then he takes enough wives to have seventy sons and dies.

   1. And something of a pattern is emerging here, because as soon as Gideon dies the Jews go right back to worshipping Baal again.

• Seems like the only time the Jews STOP worshipping Baal is when some crazy fucking zealot announces the next genocide mission he heard from real god.  So the lesson we’re supposed to learn here is . . . You can spot a false god when they don’t sponsor regular tribal murder sprees.  

9. Next we get the brief reign of Abimelech the Easily Provoked.  He wakes up one day and says, “Mom, wouldn’t it be awesome if I was king?” and then he kills his dad and all his brothers except the youngest one, takes over the promised land, spends a few years killing anybody who insinuates he has a small dick and gets killed by a chick with a millstone.

   1. And because the only thing worse than death is a vagina, Abimelech is stammering around with his head half crushed trying to find a man who can stab him to death so that people won’t think a woman killed him.

   2. “Will a man please murder me?”

10. And since fuck originality, the Israelites piss off god again and he lets the Philistines make slaves out of them.

    1. So after a couple decades of slavery the Jews are going, “Okay, sorry about the worshipping Baal, again.  We’re sorry… again.  So you can go ahead and deliver us… again.”  And god’s like “Nope.  Fuck off this time.”

11. And then you get this very weird story about Jephthah where he has to offer up his daughter because she’s the first person to come out of his house when he gets home.  Which apparently means… she has to spend two months on a mountain, never gets to fuck and has to be burned to death for god when she gets home..

• He was clearly expecting his wife to come out first.  Or his whore mother.   

12. Then the men of Ephraim get pissed cause Jephthah killed the Ammonites without them so they tell him they’re gonna burn down his house.  So he kills them and anyone with an Ephraim accent.  And then Jephthah dies because nobody survives through more than three or four chapters in Judges.

13. And then we meet Samson, who was apparently immaculately conceived a la Jesus.

• This is a tough sell to your husband . . . “So you know how I’m barren and you’re impotent . . . Well I talked to this angel, and he said if I can handle his angel cock, he’ll give us a kid who’s a main character in the book.”

14. So Samson grows up, finds a Philistine chick he wants to bone so he tells his parents to go get her, because that’s how it worked back then.

    1. And then Samson gives his friends a riddle, which is bullshit because you needed to know that if you murder a lion bare-handed, you can later eat honey from its rotting, bee-infested carcass.  How is that an acceptable prerequisite for a riddle?!?  That’s what six-year-olds do when they try to tell their own shitty riddle.  

    2. Yeah, and then he gives his wife to his best man because he doesn’t like her.  Or his best man apparently.

15. Then he changes his mind,decides he want to bone his wife after all, but when he goes back to get her, her dad says, “too late, dude, she’s shacked up with the best man.”

    1. So in a rage he ties torches to a bunch of foxes, lights them on fire and sends them running through their fields.

    2. So they demand Samson, and the jews tie oblige.  And then Samson goes all Samson on them, melts the ropes with his anger and then kills a thousand men with the jawbone of a donkey.  And don’t forget… this book is infallible.

• So Samson took his bone from the mouth of the ass?  

• You never go ass to mouth.

• Just sounds unkosher.

16. In chapter 16 we meet the foul temptress we knew was coming.  Samson falls for Delilah and she likes it kinky because basically the first words out of her mouth is “how can you be tied up?”  And I guess he likes it kinky too, because he keeps telling her new bullshit ways to tie him up.

    1. And he’s a bright one, too, right?  She says, “How can you be captured by your enemy?” and this isn’t a red flag to him.  After the fifth time he says some weird random “here’s how to capture me” lie then wakes up to find her trying it, he eventually tells her the truth, which is apparently that Barbasol is his kryptonite.

    2. So then the Philistines promptly shave him, capture him, gouge out his eyes and make him dance like a monkey.  But he dances like a monkey so long that his hair grows back so he brings down the temple.  And if he can kill a thousand people with an ass-bone, you can imagine how much ass he can kick with a whole temple.

• Yeah he prays to god for the strength to kill himself and a thousand other people in a building collapse.  Turns out the first suicide bomber was Jewish.  Who knew?  It wasn’t the Buddhists like you were thinking, you racist.      

• So when Muslim terrorists pull this shit now, it’s so hackneyed.  Samson did it!!!  

17. 17 and 18 suck.  Micah, Danites, Shrine, Murder, whatever…

18. –

19. And then shit gets real.  We meet some unnamed coward from the hill country.  He’s travelling from Bethlehem with his concubine, some old dude invites him to crash at his place.  So far, so good, until all the townfolk show up at the old man’s door demanding that he send his guests out so they can ass-rape him.

• To be fair, in King James, they didn’t specify ass-rape.  For all we know, they just wanted to work with the ear, nose, and throat.  

1. But we already know what to do in this situation.  Just offer the crowd your concubine… and maybe your virgin daughter.  So they shove the women out of the house so the crowd can rape them to death.

• Right, nothing calms down a mob of gay rapists like some vagina?  Maybe they figured she’s a virgin, so it’s pretty tight . . . That’s almost like two assholes on one person.  More bang for your shekel … and your schmekel.  

2. So in the morning this asshole wakes up, opens the door and there’s his concubine lying dead from being gang raped and he says, “get up! We’re leaving.”

3. And when he finally realizes she’s dead, he brings her home, chops her into pieces and mails the pieces to different people with a note saying, “Israel really sucks these days.  It’s gotten to where you can’t offer your concubine to a bunch of salivating rapists without her getting fucked to death.”

4. And it’s gotten to the point where you get disembodied abused-corpse pieces with your mail, too.

• Can a man not block a rape with his whore-shield in this town anymore?!?  And speaking of which, can a guy get a decent whore-shield in this town anymore?!?  Maybe one that doesn’t DIE on her FIRST biblical rape mob.  It’s like having your starting QB take an injury in week 1.  

• I thought this was the promised land!  Are we not in the promised land?!?  Do I really need to dismember my dead sex slave, to teach Israelites how to rally around a good cause again?!?

20. So in hopes of putting an end to all the violence, the Israelites gather an army and attack Gibeah.  It takes a few tries, but eventually they kill the whole army, murder all the women and children, slaughter all the livestock and burn the city to the ground.  So that nobody else would get hurt.

• “There’s lots of crazy tribes going around killing entire towns.  We’d be crazy not to start murdering some towns full of these tribes.  Hey Gibeah’s a town.”  

21. And then you get the most high-stakes game of not-it ever.  The Jews say “We can’t marry our daughters of to these Benjamite scum, so let’s kill all the non-virgins in Jabesh-Gilead.  That should be enough virgins for all these Benjamites.”

    1. But it’s not, so then they decide to just kidnap a bunch of dancers to round things off.

• I feel bad withholding all the Jew pussy from the Benjamites.  We should at least throw them a virgins and sluts party.  Half prude, half crude, lots of oil.  A righty tighty lefty loosy party.  Admittedly stretching the orifice jokes now.  

• We forgive you.

• But can I cram one more in there last minute?    

I don’t think we have room.  That’s gonna have to wrap up the Holy Babble this week.  Heath, Lucinda, thanks for not bailing on this insanely boring project yet.

Our next book is Ruth which is short for a pamphlet so we get a bit of a reprieve.  We’ll be breaking that one down in Episode 34 so until then fuck this stupid book.

Outro

Before we seal the envelope tonight I need to make a quick correction to next week’s episode.  I’m going to misidentify Charles S. Durnam as Charles S. Dunnum, and I just wanted to apologize in advance for that.

I wanted to remind everybody that I took part in a two part panel discussion with Jake Farr-Wharton over at the Imaginary Friends Show along with Martin S Pribble and Twitter’s very own Gamma Atheist.  Both episodes are available over at Imaginary Friends Show (dot) com, we had a blast recording and I’d highly recommend them.  You also find a link on this week’s shownotes.

I also have a few quick thanks to toss out.  Thanks of course to the lovely and talented Lucinda Lugeons for joining us this week.  Thanks to the talented but decidedly less lovely Heath Enwright for kicking ass, taking names and then kicking those names’ asses.

I also need to thank Phil from The Week in Doubt podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  He’s a very intelligent guy and it really comes across in his podcast.  It’s well researched, well presented and if you want to check it out, you’ll find a link to his website on the shownotes for this episode.

http://palbertelli.podbean.com/

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most structurally sound arrangements of organic molecules; Henk, Bruce, Josh, Ryan, Else and Magnus the Great Dane, who is either a dog or an exemplary person from Denmark, but either way, makes my short list of people I’d most like to have at my side when fending off the impending alien apocalypse.

These superior examples of humanity and/or caninity have proved their worth to the species, the planet and the galaxy this week by giving us money.  Secure in the knowledge that giving us money is the universal currency of decency, Henk, Bruce, Josh, Ryan, Else and Magnus the Great Dane can maintain their claim to moral supremacy even if they should later take to a life of drugs, crime and aardvark prostitution, which they won’t.

If you think you have the superior wit, wisdom and worth required to give us money, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help, but you wasted all your money on food and diapers, you can still help us a ton by leaving us a 5 star review on iTunes, following us on Twitter and Facebook and YouTube and adding us to your favorites on Stitcher.  Or maybe naming an asteroid in our honor.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.