The Scathing Atheist

by Noah Lugeons

Alright, so I have a new favorite chapter in the Bible and I also have renewed hopes that the mammoth task of breaking this whole stupid book won’t all suck.  I’m actually shocked that this isn’t one of the stories that Christians trot out more often because it’s fucking awesome.

The story starts out with Dinah, daughter of the notorious pussy-magnet Jacob, catching the eye of Shechem, a Hivite prince.  And you know how those Hivites can’t keep their dicks to themselves, so Shechem rapes her.  But according to Genesis 34:3, after he raped her he was really sweet to her:

And his soul was drawn to Dinah, daughter of Jacob; he loved the girl and spoke tenderly to her.

And so post-rape, he decides he want to marry Dinah but Jacob and his sons are still understandably pissed about the whole raping their daughter/sister bit so at first they’re reluctant.  Shechem is persistent a la Pepe Le Pew so eventually Jacob makes a deal.  He tells the prince that if he and all the Hivites will join their tribe, he can marry Dinah.  Now that doesn’t sound to bad, but we learned back in Chapter 17 that part of joining their tribe is lopping off a significant portion of your cock.

But Shechem is smitten so he’s all “Lop off my foreskin and force all the men in my tribe to do the same?  No problem.”  And he agrees to it.

So in what must have been the single most baffling day in Hivite history, all the men cut their foreskins off.  Understandably, there’s not a lot getting done in downtown Hivite-ville that day because all the guys are laying in beds moaning “I hate monarchy!”  And while they’re in that prone, post-circumcision state, Jacob and his boys roll into town and kill all of them.

Yes, that’s right, they kill all the Hivites after tricking them into chopping at their genitals.  I’m guessing the resistance was a bit subdued here.  Hell, a lot of them were probably going, “Yeah, slit my throat, sure.  Whatever takes my mind off the pain in my dick.”