antitheism | The Scathing Atheist

Did a spiteful atheist waiter trick you into eating something that’s banned in the Bible? Can’t decide between emergency diarrhea and emergency vomit? We’ll give you both … Right away … Violently!!! We’re the ‘Plan B’ of religious culinary law.

Pastor Oil: “For the last time, it’s not a lube.”

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s June 26th,

And if the USA and Germany tie … they both win … Interesting …

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright. And from “Spacious Waterfront Studio” New York, New York,

And “Van Down by the River” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

We’ll ask: “What the fuck is Baha’i?”,
We’ll learn yet another reason to never visit Kenya,
And David from My Book of Mormon joins us to assure you that the 2nd M isn’t a typo.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

Dan Fincke came on last week and reminded me not to call religious people stupid. And I needed to be reminded of that. Now, on a side note, there’s a ton of shit Dan had to say that some of our listeners took objection to and hopefully we can get him back on sometime to air a few of those grievances, but that’s too big a subject for a diatribe, so I’m just gonna stick with the stupid thing for now.

Because Dan’s right; we shouldn’t call religious people stupid. Now let me defend that. Ultimately, I’m not convinced by the assertion that “stupid” is a bully word because I don’t give a shit. If something’s stupid, I’m gonna call it stupid. I was bullied out of the Santa Claus myth the same way and so far, it stuck. I’m also not convinced by the assertion that it makes communication less effective. Pissing people off sometimes makes your message stick a little deeper and even an effort to prove you wrong is a win in this fight. Plus, if I was obsessed with effective means of communications, I probably wouldn’t make jokes about eating aborted fetuses.

The point he made that convinced me is the fact that it’s simply false. Religious people aren’t stupid. Religion is stupid. All the little fables in the bible are stupid. The claim that Jesus cleared you a parking space is stupid. The claim that the earth is six thousand years old is stupid. And I’ll call them stupid. But the people who hold many of these beliefs don’t have to be stupid to do so. Like Dan said, trusting your parents and the community around you is more often going to lead you to wisdom than stupidity. You can’t blame an indoctrinated person for their indoctrination anymore than you can blame a rape victim for their rape.

So perhaps we shouldn’t call the religious people stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I’m gonna need to be reminded a time or two before I break the habit and start showing those stupid motherfuckers the respect they deserve, but it’s something I should probably work on.

And if anybody out there is saying, “Don’t do it Noah! Don’t turn the Scathing Atheist into some politically correct, can’t we all just get along, Kumbaya and puppy dog tails accomodationist bullshit”, don’t worry… I’m not motivated by being nice. And I’m not even necessarily motivated by being accurate. My motivation here is tactical. When we call our opponents stupid, we run the risk of believing that they’re stupid. And if we do that, we run the risk of underestimating them.

If we label them stupid, we’re playing right into their hands. Clearly, they seem to want us to think they’re stupid. Pretending to be stupid might be the most common debate tactic they employ. Think about it. Have you ever been arguing with a Christian and the reliability of “faith” comes up? And they’ll almost always counter with something like, “Well, you have ‘faith’ in your wife, don’t you?”

Now, you’d have to be a Boo Radley level idiot not to see the difference between those two things. My wife is a tangible, measurable phenomena whose existence I can prove to any reasonable standard. What’s more, I don’t have ‘faith’ in my wife, I have ‘trust’ in my wife based on observable behavior. But if she started working a lot of late shifts that required her to bring a riding crop and a ball gag, I’d start to lose my ‘faith’ damn quick. Clearly we’re talking about different meanings of the word ‘faith’. And obviously they know that.

If you want to see a master at the “pretending to be stupid” strategy, you need look no further than Ray Comfort. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he’s not stupid. He very well may be, but he’s not as stupid as he pretends to be. Watch any debate he’s ever done. His whole schtick is pretending to not understand things no matter how simply they’re explained. You can watch his opponent break down speciation to a level a brain damaged parakeet would comprehend and he’ll just say “pudding is my favoritest!”

And even when he’s cornered into admitting that yes, he understands why evolution doesn’t lead to croco-ducks, it doesn’t stop him from using the same stupid argument in his next debate. If he was as stupid as he lets on he would have wiping instructions tattooed backwards across his forehead. But it’s a damn good debate strategy; refusing to understand what your opponent is saying allows you to also refuse to understand when you’ve lost.

Hell, it’s even their legal defense. Sometimes they’re just too stupid to know that raping kids is against the law. We can’t afford to grant them that concession.

We’re never gonna win this fight if we don’t admit what we’re up against. And if it was the army of drooling fuck-wits we often portray them to be, we’d already have won. If we want to truly sway this world away from religion, we need to fully understand how smart people fall victim to their cognitive biases. We need to explore the true root of the stupid beliefs buried in these intelligent people. And we need to admit to the true power and nature of motivated stupidity.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is a man only three miracles from sainthood, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to cure the blind?

How about the dumb?

It’s a start.

In our lead story tonight, in “Turning the other cheek toward a rapist” news – aka “mouth to ass” news … A recent investigation spoke to several former Bob Jones University students, and revealed that the school policy on counseling sexual assault victims goes something like this: “God sent you a rapist for a reason. So you’re not getting into heaven unless you call the guy, and apologize for your role in this mess, and whatever you did wrong. You must have done something. Check Leviticus. It’s almost always Leviticus.”

“…I’m also required to inform you that there’s a few shekels in it for you if you marry him. So it’s not too late to salvage this thing.”

The abuse counseling procedures at BJU have been called into question by – among others – Katie Landry, who described reporting a rape to the dean of students, at which point he responded, (quote) “Well, there’s always a sin under other sin. There’s a root sin […] We have to find the sin in your life that caused your rape.” (end quote) … At that point, Landry realized she was alone in an office with a man that just took the rapist’s side, so she correctly ran away in terror.

“Tell me all about it… in detail… and I’ll just have my hands under the desk here in case I have to send a text or something…”

Very understandably, after being asked “Did you consider just consenting?”, and then being told to repent for being an enabler, Landry appears to have abandoned the clearly-broken Christianity platform. She now lives in New Orleans, where she started a business that provides tours of historic madams and brothels … where you pay for sex as part of a mutually-beneficial transaction, like civilized people.

“Bob Jones University: Making prostitution look good by comparison since 1927”

Whorehouse 1, Bible 0 … But who’s keeping score?!?

Bob Jones University to Rape Victims: Repent! http://america.aljazeera.com/watch/shows/america-tonight/articles/2014/6/18/bob-jones-universitysexualabuse.html

Speaking of which, from the “Biblical Penetration” file, it turns out that Rickey Wagoner is such a pathetic bastard that he even gets his ass kicked in his delusions of grandeur. You might recall a brief flurry of feel good news back in February about a Dayton, Ohio bus driver who was allegedly attacked by three scary black men whose attempts to shoot him dead were thwarted by the bible he had in his chest pocket. And it turns out that much like the book that supposedly saved him, the event was a bunch of poorly fabricated bullshit that doesn’t stand up to even a cursory investigation.

So what actually happened? … The Bible and the gun were in his sweatpants, and he shot himself like Plaxico???

Way worse if you can believe that. So let’s examine the holes in Wagoner’s story before we examine the holes in his body. First of all, bible or no, there’s no way this guys moobs are penetrable to a .22 caliber bullet. In addition, the 320 pound man wasn’t at all winded in the 911 call he made immediately after the alleged attack. In addition, the stab wounds on his arms and legs suggested to experts that they were self-inflicted, as did the one bullet that got passed his bible.

So he’s a cutter … and a shooter?!? Will someone please pay attention to Rickey Wagoner already!!! This guy literally brought a gun to a knife fight, and lost … to himself … because he also brought a knife to a gun fight. Somebody just say hi, or ask him a question about large vehicles, or obesity … anything.

But the silver lining of this story is that it provides possibly my all time favorite mental image. After stabbing and shooting himself, this lumbering land-walrus set his bible on the street, shot it twice, bent over to pick it up, put it back in his pocket and called the cops. Which, to his credit, is exactly what I wanted to do during Proverbs.

Ohio bus driver lies about bible stopping bullet: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/ohio-bus-driver-lied-bible-stopping-bullets-race-fueled-gang-attack-police-article-1.1835291

And in a follow up to a story from last year … from the “Swine and Cheese” file … You may remember when we reported on an Edinburgh mosque that had to call in the HazMat Team after Scottish racist assholes Chelsea Lambie and Douglas Cruickshank – who I’ve been assured are definitely not funny – attacked the house of worship with salted pig strips. Well their sentences were justed handed down … Lambie will go to prison for a year, and Cruickshank – who didn’t laugh at the hearing when the judge said “breakfast meat” – will only get nine months.

I’m so torn on this one. Because on the one hand it’s undeniably motivated by racism, but on the other hand, people were just put in jail for malicious use of bacon. It just kind of seems like getting in trouble for groping somebody’s aura.

So they should definitely be punished, especially since it- Are we sure on that? … Kind of, yeah … Okay, it wasn’t quite funny enough… But I’m wondering how the law will work in the future with this … If it was turkey bacon, would they have just gotten a vandalism ticket??? Can you get in trouble for brandishing a side order??? … What about bluffing?!? … “Stand back unless you want to find out what kind of fried rice this is!!! Do I look like a shrimp guy?!? Do you feel lucky?!? Well, do ya, punk?!?”

Muslims just need to pick a less ubiquitous kryptonite.

Couple jailed for mosque baconing: http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-27941589

And in “Okay, but You Guys are still stuck with Pope Innocent the Fourth” news, Christian musician and ineffective wife killer Tim Lambesis recently admitted that he was secretly an atheist the whole time. Having apparently recognized the inadequacies of both his faith and his musical talent simultaneously, he simply continued to head the Christian band “As I Lay Dying” whose most widely heard recording was the one where he asked an undercover FBI agent to murder his wife during a sting operation in April of last year.

Here’s the part that confuses me … How does that sting operation work? … Did they get a tip there was a lot of apostate bandleaders hiring assassins at a particular bar??? … “Psst … Buddy … Killyourwife? … Killyourwife? … No? You? No- I though you started to lean in- …”

Now, far be it from me not to take a convicted felon who apparently dedicated his life to deceiving people for financial gain at his word, but after admitting to a career in telling Christians whatever they want to hear, I think he went on to tell Christians whatever they want to hear. They couldn’t get behind a story of a prominent Christian trying to hire an assassin to kill his wife, but they can gobble up the story of a Christian turning to the dark side and immediately setting about exacting murderous vengeance. The rededication of his life to Jesus and the subsequent book deal are scheduled for release by Christmas of 2015.

Ineffective wife assassinating Christian musician admits he was “secretly an atheist” http://www.mediaite.com/online/christian-metal-star-convicted-of-attempted-murder-admits-he-was-secretly-atheist/

And in “Ebonic Plague” news: Bitches be trippin’ if day fin ta brinday nassy smawl pox keeds inta skoo … (clear throat) … New York City public schools recently faced a legal challenge to their very logical public health policy that says something along the lines of: “During a disease outbreak, unvaccinated children – and rhesus monkeys with ebola – are not allowed to come in and help spread mass sickness on those days … They can however, come in the next day, if they take their autism shot.”

This is such insane horseshit. So the parents are refusing inexpensive and potentially life-saving medicine on behalf of their children and not only does the state allow it, but they even have the foresight to protect these kids from their parents stupidity by keeping them home when people have the diseases that they’re not vaccinated against. And the parents are suing the state!? Are you fucking kidding me? Shouldn’t they at least have to burn themselves with some McDonald’s coffee first?

So yeah, three anti-vax families – without the requisite crotch burns – decided to contest this policy, for violating their religious right to freely exercise socially destructive stupidity. The case was decided last week at the Federal District Court in Brooklyn, where Judge William F. Kuntz II (the second) – despite being a douche for the Roman numerals – ruled in favor of “LESS kids with diseases”, upholding the right of schools to act rationally.

Not only that, but he cited a 109 year old Supreme Court precedent. So not only did he tell them no, but he also pointed out that we settled this shit in 1905.

Right – when we decided you’re not allowed to spread smallpox!!! … So the free exercise violation claim is clearly nonsense. New York City public school attendance certainly isn’t required by any holy books. But more practically: Don’t these kids have rickets and shit, anyway? Are they gonna be able to get to school, even if we let them?!? Nobody wants the rickets kid in class. Awkward for everyone.

NYC Quran-Teenage Wasteland: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/23/nyregion/judge-upholds-policy-barring-unvaccinated-students-during-illnesses.html?_r=0

And in “Kenya believe it?” news tonight, a group of Islamic militants in Kenya gave new meaning to the term ‘Final Exam’ last week when 27 people were murdered for failing a door to door pop quiz about Islam. Apparently several of them missed the very first question, which was ‘Are you a Muslim?’ Others were killed for lacking detailed knowledge of the Quran, and still others simply didn’t have the number two pencil.

“Excuse me, sir? Sir? Yes you, the only person for miles. I see that you’re clearly busy jogging with this herd of nomadic gazelles, but if I could just have a moment of your time. Me and these guys with AK-47s are big fans of Allah. What about you?” … And 27 morons said they prefer Gozer the Gozerian?!? When terrorists ask you if you like the one true god, you say yes!!!

Now, I know this kind of emphasis on book learnin’ might seem disingenuous coming from a group of people who haven’t passed a test since their moms pissed on that little stick, but one can’t help but applaud the renewed emphasis on education. A loaded rifle in your face kicks the shit out of a gold star any day.

So the Tea Party and the homicidal militant Kenyan Muslims are on the same page: Teachers need way more guns.

And on the other side of the aisle, liberal apologists are already hard at work explaining how Western imperialism is the true culprit here, for which the international cabal of militant muslim theocrats are genuinely appreciative.

Muslims kill dozens of Kenyans for failing a pop quiz on Islam. http://nypost.com/2014/06/16/27-killed-in-militant-attack-on-kenya-town-police/

And in “Makin’ it Rain Sulfur” news, the nuns of St. Charles Borromeo (in Stone Park, Illinois) have filed suit against Club Allure – a strip club that operates next door to their convent. They argue the club ruins their ability to collect dollars, will likely incur God’s wrath, and also violates a state law against adult entertainment within 1000 feet of a church or school.

It’s like these nuns heard we needed a 30 seconds on the clock segment. But seriously, how about “one who has an issue with the other’s existence has to move” rules? Isn’t that fair? It’s the difference between burning a cross and just moving closer to the golf course.

In response to the allegations, a spokesman for the club may have said (quote) “But we pay taxes … And aren’t you considered a lesbian brothel by state law? … Well regardless, you ladies are more than welcome to take a song on stage with the collection plate.” (end quote)

Whole new meaning to “selling indulgences” there… and less immoral than the old one, too.

So the sisters listed a handful of problems with Club Allure, but here’s the best one … They want the place shut down because it leads to women walking around (quote) “alone or in groups, with or without accompanying males.” (end quote) … So they’re complaining about women being in public, but only if they’re in groups of one, or many … And only if they have or don’t have male chaperones.

They also took issue with them getting beer deliveries in heavy trucks. But it was worth reading the entire complaint just for the visual image of one of the nuns having to go out each morning to clean the used condoms off the sidewalk.

It must have been a fun scene when the nuns walked over to the strip club to lodge their complaints. Everyone so sure they were about to get on stage. Enormous tease!!! But a great business idea. So we’re suggesting the two parties bury the hatchet wound, and get together on a combo enterprise … And to help them out, let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Ideas for the Strip Club Convent” … GO!!!

St. Doll’s Cunt-thedral, home of the Padre’s Cadre

“77 Nun-set Strip”

Obviously we need a ruler-based S&M club… um… “The Schoolmarm harm farm.”

“Jack-offs of All Trades, Masturbaters of Nun: Support the Habit”

…or “Kick the Habit”

Much better!!! What about: “Hooters, Pooters, and Sunday School Tutors” ???

“Our Lady of the Hosiery?”… or if it’s a low budget place, it could be “The Yeast of Our Lady of the Hosiery.” And that’s appropriate too, because if you think about it, a yeast infection is pretty much reverse transubstantiation.

“The Booby Trap at Single Mother Superior’s”

“Episco-pole Dancing”, where the Holy See goes to See the Holy.

“Sisterhood of the Traveling Implants”

Basilicone Implants, to be exact.

“A Sleazy Ass Tease” … Who wouldn’t wanna see a donkey (slash) nun show?!?

“The Titty Twister Sister Fister.”

“The Tits n Asherah Pole”

Nuns suing strip club: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/19/nuns-file-lawsuit-against-strip-club-outside-chicago-claiming-its-too-close-to-their-convent

And we’ll end on some good news for a change tonight, from the “One Dar, Two Wins” file, the UK has officially banned the teaching of creationism as science in any school that receives public funds. Of course, for a country that until recently had Chuck D on their money, this might seem a little late in coming, but “better late than never”, as the British national motto clearly states.

They eventually disliked the Nazis. But for the first few weeks, they were just polite hosts. Finally, something had to be said …

The change comes as part of a newly reworded funding agreement between the British Government and schools receiving tax revenue. And the sections about creationism are so good I wished I’d written them for a diatribe. In a few paragraphs they completely dismantle all the major claims of creationism, label it pseudoscience and point out that even most religious people agree that it’s bullshit.

British churches should be happy. This clear defeat is actually an honor. Think of all the absurd accommodations they must get for this to be necessary. We shouldn’t need a rule, that says: “Don’t blow tobacco smoke up a drowning victim’s ass with an enormous anal bellows. Instead go straight to rescue resuscitation.”

UK bans the teaching of creationism in schools. Ken Ham loses his shit: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/20/ken-hams-ignorance-is-exposed-again-in-a-rant-against-uk-schools-banning-the-teaching-of-creationism-as-science/

Well, if I could have ended the headlines on the image of a giant anal bellows and didn’t, I’d never forgive myself, so Heath, thanks as always.

Fire up the Bung Bong!!!

David from the My Book of Mormon podcast will be here in a bit to compare shitty holy books, but before we get to that, I want to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda Lugeons, for a new segment that the headlines have been begging us to add for quite a while…

This Week in Misogyny:

Bad news, ladies. It turns out that our secret is out. The guys are now well aware how much we love getting raped.

Now, clearly we should have seen this rape-whistle blower coming, because who knows more about the desires of college aged women than a geriatric conservative who’s been impotent since the Nagano Olympics? That’s right, conservative columnist George Will spilled the beans on our beans in a column that claimed that being a sexual assault victim was (quote) “a coveted status on today’s college campuses”.

So if you are a victim of sexual assault, be sure to email George about where to collect your consolation prizes and your fifty shekels. I think it’s also safe to say that George is coveting rape victimhood… and I only mention it in case the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is listening.

But one way or the other, the pussy’s out of the bag now. Our secret love of sexual victimhood is a matter of public record. And you can read all about it in George Will’s column… if you can find one of the few papers that didn’t stop running his columns after this outrageous shit.

George Will: Rape is coveted status http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/george-will-college-become-the-victims-of-progressivism/2014/06/06/e90e73b4-eb50-11e3-9f5c-9075d5508f0a_story.html

Now, I’m sure there are some women out there that will say, “No, George, we don’t covet sexual assault,” but I think we all know what women really mean when they say “no.”

But if you’re one of those women, I ask you, if you didn’t like being sexually assaulted so much, why don’t you show a little modesty and dress like an Antarctic beekeeper? That’s the advice of Indian Minister Babubal Gaur, who explained that rape is “sometimes right and sometimes wrong.”

This came shortly after two girls, age 12 and 14 were raped and hanged in his district, but in his defense, I’m sure that those were “wrong” rapes. Clearly, officials throughout the nation are working hard to keep India the brutal rape capital of the world

Indian Minister “Rape is sometimes acceptable”: http://readersupportednews.org/news-section2/318-66/24070-india-state-minister-on-rape-sometimes-its-right-sometimes-its-wrong

But if you still insist that you’re not a fan of being raped, at least we know who to blame for it now. And it turns out, it’s not the rapist, it’s Charles Darwin.

That’s right, as Creationist douchebag Darek Isaacs explained on “Creation Today” last week if evolution is true, it’s all just about men propagating their genes. He ends with what he thinks is a rhetorical question. (quote) “If evolution is true… is rape wrong?”

And the rhetorical answer is “yes, you misogynistic fuck wart.”

Creationist: If evolution is true, is rape wrong? http://www.salon.com/2014/06/11/creationist_author_asks_if_evolution_is_true_is_rape_wrong/

And finally, proving that you don’t need a penis to be a sexist, we bring you the story of mommy blogger Laura something-or-another at the “Apples and Band-Aids blog”. She reminds all of us ladies to be ashamed of our bodies this beach season in a post called, “My Husband Doesn’t Need to See Your Boobs.”

In the article, she explains that apparently her husband is some kind of undomesticated raging pervert that dives erection first into anything with visible cleavage.

So I’d like to close by pointing out to Laura that I don’t need to see your husband’s asshole, either, so please take your picture off of your blog.

Mommy blogger is a prudish bitch: http://www.donotlink.com/framed?45074

That’s all the misogyny I have for you this week, but I’m sure there’s more to come. And remember guys, we outnumber you.

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Song: Numbers

1 is the number of gods and he gives

2 shits about who gets killed and who lives.

3 times Balaam and his donkey have spats

be-4 god starts talking out of that Midianite’s ass.

5 chapter in things get scary for chicks,

6-tuff’s prescribed if they’re getting side-dick.

And 7’s for resting unless you need stones,

To break some stick gathering heathen’s skull and his bones.

8 too much Manna? Should you voice your critiques?

God will plague you and kill you, but he’ll send quail for weeks.

And that asi-9 bastard may invoke some damned clause,

To show you what a 10-uous promise that promised land was.

11 Tribes conscribe all their fighting age men,

but the 12th tribe (the Levites) just carry the tent.

20 is war-age, but like most things, you’ll notice,

The tribe that’s exempt is the one that has Moses.

30 Days mourning when god kills Aaron on high,

Then 40 years waiting for all the bad jews to die.

50 percent of this book we spend bored

Counting jews and the booty they offer the lord.

We get a couple of censuses from all of the tribes,

Enumerated offerings are in detail described,

As the name would suggest, the book’s obsessed with amounts,

But no number gets higher than god’s body count:

WTFI – Baha’i

The cold-sore to Islam’s genital herpes, Baha’i is a diacritically perplexing faith that began in the mid nineteenth century when Iranian slacker Siyyid Ali-Muhammad realized that claiming to speak for god was a pretty good racket. He took the name “The Bab”, which means “The Gate” and declared himself the 12th Imam of Shi’a Islam in 1844. That worked out well for him until his public execution in 1850.

Before his death, the Bab had amassed thousands of followers, who have the impossible to take seriously monicker of “Babis”. A brief schism between the remaining adherents ended with one Mirza Husayn-Ali Nuri in charge, who thus chose the humble title of “Glory of God”, or “Baha’u’llah”.

Since then, by most measures, Baha’i has been the fastest growing religion in the world, quickly spreading to over 200 nations (take that, Mormons). Baha’i was considered a very progressive faith for the mid nineteenth century and even now, it is a very progressive faith for the mid nineteenth century.

The belief is founded on three main principles, all of which are unwavering, eternal, and cast aside in a heartbeat if it conveniences the propagation of the faith.

The first is the unity of god; Baha’i is a monotheistic religion that employs the familiar cop-out that all religions are worshipping the same god in different and often directly contradictory ways. This leads to the second founding principle, the unity of religion, which is essentially the same thing, but you can’t just have two founding principles or you’ll look like an asshole.

Like the Muslims and the Christians before them, they accept the divine status of the other Abrahamic prophets and, again like the Muslims and Christians, they believe their prophet was both the best and the last. The gist of the teaching is that all religions are true, but Baha’i is the most true.

The final principle is the unity of humanity; a firm and founding belief that all humans are created equal, regardless of faith, race and culture. Unless they’re gay.

The history of Baha’i is one of persecution and persistence. Despite the execution of their first prophet and the exile of his successor, the religion has grown steadily. The first several successors were appointed by god through his holy representative and by an amazing cosmic coincidence, god chose the children of those holy representatives for three generations. After that, god could no longer be bothered to appoint leaders and they turned to democracy.

There is a strong focus in Baha’i on gender equality, which is shown clearly by how many of their holy buildings look like nipples or vaginas. They focus a large amount of their charitable work toward the empowerment of women through early education. This mission is no doubt paramount to the council of nine that runs the religion. In fact, they’re so dedicated to gender equality that they might eventually consider allowing women to serve on that council, but for now a scrotum remains a prerequisite.

Baha’i also pays lip service to the compatibility between faith and science, though their failure to voluntarily disband and stop praying shows this to be as hollow as the gender equality thing.

Baha’i is usually represented by a nine pointed star, as all the good numbers of points on a star had been taken by 1844. It’s the thirteenth largest religion in the world, resting between Judaism and Jainism, but if it continues to grow at the pace it’s been growing over the last century, it could supplant Korean Dictator worship as the 10th largest religion as early as the year 2268.

Because of it’s focus on equality and relatively progressive stance on gender roles, the faith’s adherents like to present themselves as the “atheist-friendly” alternative to other world religions. And hopefully, armed with the knowledge that their all-male “Universal House of Justice” still condemns both premarital sex and homosexuality, you have all the facts necessary to call them on their bullshit.

Feedback:

It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback. This is the few minutes we set aside with increasing frequency now that the show is an hour long to answer some of the emails and tweets we get each week. We’ll start with a little international flair this week, as our first email comes from Espana.

Miguel the angry Spaniard writes to say, “In episode 70 of your podcast, you made fun of the ancient Spanish custom of trampling infants. Is that the best you can come up with? Really?” He then goes on to list a series of far more bizarre Spanish Easter traditions including,

The Spanish festival of KKK members in backless robes doing street BDSM,
The Spanish festival of shaking the fuck out of a poorly ballasted shrine en masse,
And the Spanish festival of forcing terrified children to climb human pyramids on top of mountains.

So yeah, Miguel, sorry we so grossly underestimated the bat-shit insanity of the Spanish national character.

I have to admit, I never expected an inquisition from there…

Our next email comes from Elena and it’s a bit more on the serious side. She wrote to tell us about a tragic accident that took the lives of two of her atheist friends and nearly took the lives of their two daughters. Next comes the chorus of “god’s plan” and “I’ll pray for you” half-measures, but of course, when the financial reality for these two girls sets in, the people who are so ready to pray for them are saying, “shame they didn’t belong to a church that could help them out.”

Anyway, Elena has set up a fundraiser on “Go Fund Me” and has reached out to the secular community for help. And I happen to know we have a damn generous audience that’s way better than a church in times like this, so I thought I’d share the link to the fundraiser and some more information on the website and the show notes for this episode.

As usual, I’m not allowed to add commentary to segments like this, so just go ahead and cut me off-…

And if you listen to our friends over at Cognitive Dissonance, you might notice that they, too, have a listener named Elena that recently lost two friends in a similar accident and started a similar go-fund-me campaign for similar reasons. I strongly urge you to give to our Elena, not there’s.

And finally, we have an email from Hannah who is a big fan of the show that wonders if we’ve ever noticed that in 70 episodes, we’ve never interviewed a female guest. She closes the email by urging us to (quote) “get on that shit” (end quote).

Okay, so first of all, yes, we’ve noticed. And yes, that’s really bad. And yes, we should get on that shit. All that being said, there’s two mitigating factors that I want to point out that slightly soften that apparent sexism. The first is that it’s not like we’ve interviewed 70 people or anything. We’ve only had guests on a little over a quarter of our episodes, so it’s only out of 18 interviews… which is bad, but not as bad.

I interviewed a girl last summer at camp, but she lives a few towns over. Don’t bother checking.

Also, and this is the story of my life, I’ve been turned down by a lot of women. I’m not gonna name any names because that just wouldn’t be classy, but we’ve been turned down by more than a few prominent female atheists. If every potential guest I’ve ever contacted came on the show, we’d have interviewed way more than zero women.

Why don’t women like rape jokes?

Well that joke should help our cause, thanks, Heath…

And that does it for feedback. If you you want more, send us more emails, Tweets, Facebook messages and for fuck’s sake, somebody issue a fatwa against us already.

Outro:

Before we rinse and spit tonight, I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to give us some feedback on the new format. So far it’s been all positive, but by all means, keep the comments coming. Obviously we tried out some new stuff this week, so let us know what you think and help us make the most out of the hour of your life you’re giving us. And I should mention that we read every email that comes in, though we don’t have time to respond to all of them. Just know that when you don’t get a reply, it’s not like prayer… somebody is listening.

Anyway, that’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more. Between now and then, you can get your fix of Scatheism on our Facebook Page, our blog or you can follow us on Twitter, that’s at Noah (underscore) Lugeons (L-U-G-E-O-N-S) and if you follow at Heath Enwright, (E-N-W-R-I-G-H-T) you get to see a picture of Heath’s gaping starfish.

Also, we’ll be posting some guest blogs at Scathing Atheist (dot) com starting this week, so be sure to check for that and if you’d like to submit an article for consideration, by all means, do that. And if you know an atheist blogger that could use a little more publicity, let us know or let them know and we’ll see if we can’t work something out.

Of course, I need to thank Heath for kicking double the ass again tonight. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda for going above and beyond the call of duty. Obviously I need to thank David from My Book of Mormon for giving us some of his time this week. Again, he’s got a really well done podcast which you can check out by heading over to Scathing Atheist (dot) com and clicking on the link you’ll find there.

I also need to thank Bobby and Ashley from the “No Religion Required” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote, and while we’re on the subject, I want to thank Ashley for lending her voice to the atheist movement by joining Bobby as his co-host. Glad to have you in the atheist podcasting club. Of course, you’ll find their show linked on the shownotes as well.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most seductive simians; Andrew, Stephen, Brian, Amanda, Dan, Michael, Jeff, Ginny, Robert, Duff, James, Alexey, Elvin and Rob. Andrew, Stephen and Brian, whose erections could be used to resupply the ISS; Amanda, Dan, Michael and Jeff, whose combination of speed and swordsmanship would fuck the Transformers up even worse that Michael Bay; Ginny, Robert, and Duff, who are so sexy I could masturbate to their footprints and James, Alexey, Elvin and Rob, who are so rational their farts come with citations and complete bibliographical reference.

These fourteen formidably forthright fornicators have fortified our fortunes this fortnight by forking over some money. Not everyone has the courage, pride and superior sexual organs it takes to give us money, but if you want to test your mettle, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll find linked at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: antitheism, antitheist, antitheist podcast, atheism podcast, atheist podcast

Episode 63 – Partial Transcript

May 1, 2014 Noah Lugeons 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons with contributions by Adam Reakes

Link to ReasonCon Homepage

Link to Donate on Patreon

Link to Buy the Book

Link to Episode 63

Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out of the final cut due to time constraints.

Warning: This sentence is the only one in the show that has no chance of offending anyone.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Catholic work out plan “8 Minute Abs…olution.” Get ready to kneel, stand, sit, kneel and pray your way to a tone butt, rock hard thighs and a deeply rooted shame of your humanity.

8 Minute Absolution; Catholic Calisthenics at their finest.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s May 1st,

And L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling just won a bet with Mel Gibson.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

And I’m Heath Enwright. And from “Racial Hominy” New York, New York,

And “Kiss My Grits” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

We explore the “Land of Milk and Honey Dipping” with 10,000 lakes nearby,
The state of South Carolina will volunteer to be stupider,
And a group of Christians will protest gay marriage by refusing to swallow.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

You can tell how desperate theists are getting by how deep into the apologetic bag they’re reaching. A listener named Bryan emailed me one the other day that he’d encountered and it may just be the dumbest apologetic you’ve ever heard. I call it “The argument from the properly clotted cock.”

It goes like this. In Genesis, god tells Abraham to circumcise his kids and his slaves and says very specifically that in the future this should always be done when the kid is eight days old. So why eight days? Well, as it turns out, there’s a plasma protein called “prothrombin” that aids in the clotting of blood. Prothrombin comes from Vitamin K and, wouldn’t you know it, is at its peak level in our bodies when we’re (drum roll please) eight days old! Therefore Jesus.

Didn’t follow me there? That’s because you were using logic. Basically, they’re saying that there’s a medical justification for the specificity of Abraham’s proclamation that Abraham couldn’t have possibly known unless god told him so. How could Abraham have possibly known about this peak in prothrombin production thousands of years before science discovered it?

With a little bit of research, this one’s pretty easy to refute. It might not surprise you to learn that the number one complication from circumcision isn’t bleeding to death through your mutilated penis due to a vitamin K deficiency. Now, excessive bleeding is the number one complication and it can, in rare cases, be fatal, but it’s not the one most likely to cause serious problems. That would be glanular amputation, which most of us call accidentally cutting parts off that are regular dick. And, surprise, surprise, the likelihood of that complication goes down the bigger the dick gets. What’s more, it can only be corrected through a surgery that is far more dangerous for an eight day old that it would be for a kid that had more than a week’s experience breathing gasses.

But beyond that, the levels of prothrombin aren’t exactly the single factor in blood coagulation. There’s a host of factors involved and real science informs us that the haemostatic system isn’t fully developed until 3 to 6 months. It also may not surprise you to learn that the neonatal immune system isn’t exactly robust when it comes to fighting off infections.

But all that is pretty secondary when you consider it against the actual ideal time to perform a circumcision, which is fucking never! Maybe god could have divinely inspired them to stop whacking off their baby’s foreskins altogether if he was getting involved anyway. How can there be an ideal time to do something that is neither necessary or good?

So yeah, it’s ridiculously stupid, but that doesn’t mean it’s ineffective. Think about it; from the point of view of a theist who might not be versed in critical thinking, it sounds convincing. And odds are pretty good that if somebody suddenly sprung this one on you, you wouldn’t have the foreknowledge of coagulants and circumcision complications necessary to dismantle it. That’s why apologists love shit that centers around bacterial flagellums or Boltzmann Brains or geological minutia. Odds are nobody in the room can refute it.

So what do you do when you come across something like this? If somebody sprung this on me at a convention I wouldn’t have the pre-googled details or anything for my rebuttal. So what I’d probably do is say “prothrombin” three times with an increasingly incredulous inflection.

Prothrombin. Prothrombin? Prothrombin!? Really? Your proof for god rests in a plasma protein you never heard of before you came across this argument? Are you fucking kidding me? So if prothrombin levels peaked at 10 days, that would disprove the bible, right? Cause isn’t that exactly what god said in Genesis 17:12? “And lo, on the eighth day a vital coagulant will be in abundance in thy infant” No? So you’re admitting that this is a bet you can only win.

Yeah, if you cherry pick both the bible and the science you can assemble a series of unrelated facts and make ‘em sound Jesusy, but that’s not how science works. You didn’t have a group of scientists trying to figure out why the rate of complication from circumcision was so much lower in precisely 8 day old infants; you had a bunch of religiously motivated whackaloons data mining every obscure medical and biblical fact with the hopes that somewhere two of them lined up.

So nevermind the fact that virtually every word of the bible is contradicted by science. Nevermind that I can point to 1000 passages that betray a remarkable lack of knowledge about the world and how it works. You’ve got your one stupid fact and if you dress it up just right and put some makeup on it and make sure we don’t see it from the left or from behind, we won’t realize that you pulled it out of a reeking mound of triceratops shit.

So here’s my advice to Bryan and anybody else who finds themselves at the receiving end of this “Science confirms my holy book” argument. Ask them “So if I could find a place where the science didn’t line up with the bible, you’d admit that it wasn’t divine right? If science is the yardstick we’re measuring by here?”

Believe me, that should end the debate pretty quick.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is stalwart defender of the black man, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to discuss the latest racism scandal in the NBA?

Well I’ve got my finger to the pulse of African American culture, and the word is that Los Angeles Clippers soon-to-be-ex-owner Donald Sterling is an enormous racist. Just look at the Clippers roster … He clearly has some sort of problem with white people. They only have two white dudes on that team, and I’m counting Blake Griffin as one of them.

So yeah, even if you grade him on a lenient curve. I guess it’s a good thing they punished him by removing any obligation he had to sit in an arena full of the mongrel races like whites and swedes.

In our lead story tonight, in “What are atheists good at?” news, the survey says … it’s not raping kids. Demonstrating that the particular brand of religious nonsense doesn’t matter, self-professed Wiccan warlock Jim Irvin of West Virginia promised to perform acts of magic on a sick mother, in exchange for sexual favors from her 3, 9, and 13-year-old children. He will not pass go, nor will he collect 200 dollars on his way to jail, despite his sincerely held religious beliefs otherwise.

And as horrible as it is, I fucking love this story. Because every time I make the point that it isn’t this religion or that religion, it’s religion, somebody invariably emails me and says, “You forgot to exclude Wiccans!” and I have to say, “No the fuck I didn’t!” and now that’ll be followed by a link.

This is tragic. Just think: If the kids were atheist, they would have at least gotten some real medical treatment, in exchange for all those sticky little hand jobs.

And even if it was an alternative medicine guru, maybe he would have let the kids get away with homeopathic handjobs, which are basically just subtle junk-adjustments.

And on the other side of the coin … At least one study shows that when you offer to perform atheist acts on someone’s dying mother, they’re much less willing to blow you.

I’m just gonna tell myself you read it on PubMed and move on…

Now of course, most religions are – at least on paper – against pedophile activity as well. But if, say Christian God changed his mind about that particular issue, millions of people would actually start raping kids. Atheists – as a group – would continue not doing that. How does the morality scale work again??? Did we win??? Did I break it???

I don’t know if it was you, but yes, it is definitely broken.

Wiccans can molest kids, too: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/21/police-wv-magical-warlock-coerced-sex-from-kids-by-promising-to-cure-ill-mother/

And from the “Would Somebody Just Persecute Me Already?” file tonight, we bring you the twisted tale of Todd Starnes desperate and shameful attempt to plug his new book by religion-whoring his publicist’s toddler. The story began when the five year old daughter of one Marco Perez allegedly accused a teacher at her school of stopping her when she tried to pray.

Yeah the kid sounds a little ‘precocious’ (read: ‘lying’).

“What did you do at school today, honey?”

“I drank milk, ate paste, and then I debated my Kindergarten teacher on the constitutionality of the landmark Engel vs. Vitale decision.”

Perez did what any parent who is the Vice President of the Christian publishing firm handling Todd Starnes upcoming book about Christian persecution in America would do and made no effort whatsoever to follow up with his daughter’s school. Instead he posted a video on YouTube where his daughter explained the intricacies of legitimate issues of secular encroachment. By a coincidence that smacks of either divine intervention or a despicable lack of ethics, Todd Starnes picked up on this story and ran with it.

What story?!? This is nothing! It’s a kid throwing blocks, and then lying about praying instead. It’s a crotch injury away from a Bob Saget unfunny video.

Upon hearing about this in the local news, the school conducted an investigation and apologized to the parents for the perceived slight, though they pointed out that not only could they not confirm any of the details of the story, but they couldn’t even find evidence that the accused teacher was anywhere near the lunchroom when this supposedly happened.

Did they check Kevin Sorbo’s alibi? Was Hercules, that fucking polytheist, anywhere near the lunch room?

But apparently apologizing and not doing it in the first place wasn’t enough for Perez, who is now threatening to sue the school for… get this shit… publicly pointing out that the public accusation he made was baseless. Because apparently publicly damning someone is only okay if you don’t verify the facts first.

Parents make up bullshit story about kid not being allowed to pray; threaten to sue school: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/28/family-threatens-lawsuit-after-fl-school-finds-no-evidence-child-stopped-from-praying/

And in “Invisible Hand Job” news, there’s nothing about badly educating black people in the Bible, so South Carolina Republican Ray Moore – as part of his campaign for lieutenant governor – is proposing that we dismantle the public school system entirely, in favor of free market solutions like government-subsidized tax-exempt church schools. Apparently only creationist science can defeat China.

I was just thinking South Carolinians were too smart for their own good.

Moore believes public schools – or (quote) “Pharoah’s Schools” – and other such distribution centers of true information to poor people – pose a serious threat to Christians. Texas Republican Dan Patrick – campaigning to become Rick Perry’s fluffer – expressed similar sentiments, suggesting that Texas public schools indoctrinate students with anti-American, left-wing, and environmental propaganda.

That explains why all the Texans are such anti-American, left-wing environmentalists, I suppose.

Perhaps these two ‘assistant to the gubernatorial candidates’ aren’t aware that the set of all things not written in the Bible is infinitely large … Especially considering that we did – in fact – evolve from filthy, infinite monkey men. But now that we’re on the subject … I dont remember a single mention in the Bible about Hindu people. Should we legislate them out of existence too???

I checked this afternoon and it turns out that there’s also nothing in the bible that forbids filling Ray Moore’s parlor with hungry hyenas with rabies, so I thought our South Carolina listeners might like to know.

SC Republic wants to end public schools “Cause their ain’t nothin’ in the bible about ‘em” http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/25/sc-republican-wants-to-end-public-schools-nothing-in-the-bible-about-state-education/?onswipe_redirect=no

And in “Do I hear 80?” news tonight, a group of Christians in Virginia are calling for a forty day fast in protest of gay marriage. The hate group in sheep’s clothing warns that the coming homo-pocalypse is all but inevitable if Christians don’t stand up against the forces of equality.

Ghandi made it for 21 days, but he wasn’t Christian, so we’ll see what happens. I think it’s gonna backfire. You get to day 30 of a hunger strike, and all of sudden, eating a dick doesn’t sound so bad.

Unsure of how being uncomfortably hungry will influence gays to give up their quest for equality, the group instead compares their struggle to David and Goliath because when you’re trying to oppress a group that’s 40 times smaller than you, it’s good to distract people from that.

But I would love to watch a bunch of delirious, starving Christians attack a gay wedding with pebbles and slingshots.

In their defense, the Family Foundation has a piece on their website that explains that they’re not planning a “hunger strike”, they’re planning a “fast”, which, as they explain tediously, they mean in the 1770s sense of the word, which they then go on to explain has nothing to do with not eating, but instead means “abstaining from Twitter.” And no, I’m not making that up, that’s what they say on their own fucking website.

Christians to stage 40 day hunger strike against same sex marriage: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/25/virginia-christians-prepare-for-40-day-hunger-strike-against-same-sex-marriage/?onswipe_redirect=no

And from the “Twin Shitties” file, federal judges in Minneapolis are set to decide whether the United States will officially recognize the self-proclaimed micro-nation called “Kingdom of Heaven”. The imaginary place in question currently has two alleged citizens: Dennis May and his wife Tami.

Didn’t work out so well for Peter Griffin…

And if this story didn’t write itself already, the couple also happens to operate a sewage excavation and treatment company in suburban Coon Rapids. Tami is under indictment for hundreds of thousands of dollars in tax fraud, but insists they don’t have taxes in heaven kingdoms. Then again, she also claims paradise is operating a shit carting business in Minnesota, so …

If it is, I’m perfectly willing to be wrong about the whole atheism thing. If all the religious people walk through the gate and instead of streets of gold or virgins or their own planet or whatever, it’s that fecophelia scene from Jurassic Park, except it was snowing. Like, I would gladly go and spend my eternity in hell as long as I got to see the look on a few of their faces when St. Peter hands them elbow length gloves and a shovel.

When this case is over, and they free up a little manpower, maybe the IRS can send a couple interns to work on getting back the estimated 80 billion dollars in revenue that we already lose every year due to religious tax exemptions. And I’m not saying nobody should be tax exempt, but you have to earn that sort of thing … If religious groups want huge special privileges like that, we get to genocide you like the Native Americans first, and all the churches are required to have slots and poker.

But to be fair, the synagogues just have to add the slots and poker.

Render unto Caesar bitches: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/30/i-dont-know-how-the-irs-caught-this-sneaky-tax-evader/

And in “You can have my bacon when you take it from my greasy, dead hands” news, nearly 200 Subway restaurants in the UK have kowtowed to pressure from Muslim groups and removed ham and bacon from their menus entirely. In an effort to be more inclusive to their Muslim customers, they’ve introduced Halal meats in these shops; and in an effort to be less inclusive to everyone else, they’ve taken away all the other shit.

We’re already putting more pigs in the NY subways to keep all the Muslims out.

Ultimately this is a tiny little story and it’s not a huge deal or anything, but it’s worth reporting on for two reasons. One, it demonstrates the fact that it’s not enough for religious people to deny themselves something; they also want to deny you that thing.

…See, for example, orgasms…

And two, our love for bacon will unite Americans against Sharia law in a way that acid attacks against women somehow fail to. And if you don’t believe me consider that stop and frisk was starting up at the same time that New Yorkers were rising up in one voice to protect their right to buy Pepsi by the bucket.

Subway in UK removes Ham from 200 stores to placate Muslims: http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/business/2014/04/30/subway-muslim-customers-fast-food/8507373/

And in “Soul-Crushing Job” news, Italian sculptor Enrico Job’s enormous crucifix in honor of Pope John Paul the 2nd claimed it’s first life besides Jesus, when the 1320-pound savior-portion of the structure may or may not have sprung to life and tackled to death 21-year-old Marco Gusmini. Miraculously, he had a bible in his front pocket, which was only slightly harmed in the crushing incident.

See, I think that to be fair this should count as a minus one on John Paul the 2nd’s miracle count so he should have to be de-sainted or asterisked or otherwise Pete Rosed in some way.

According to his settlement in Outrageous Claims Court, Gusmini goes straight to heaven automatically, his roommate gets a 4.0 GPA for the semester, and he gets to slap God in the face once really hard with everyone watching. And everyone says: “OHHHHHHH!!!”

I wonder, though, because a lot of times when you see this kind of stuff it turns out the dude teased the statue first or provoked it in some way. So I don’t want to rush to blame Jesus on this one.

Besides adding to the list of reasons to avoid “Torture Sculptures”, this story also makes for a good horror movie, with Jesus as the homicidal maniac that can appear wherever there’s a cross. Those assholes in the Bible Belt, with enormous eyesore crosses, get Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man sized Jesus attacking the town. So I guess we’ll call this the “Holy Ghostbusters List” … 30 seconds on the clock: “Religious Horror Movies” … GO!!!

The Burned Witch Project

Good Friday the 13th

The Texas Public Education Massacre… that one scares me to this day.

Pulp Crucifixion … “God’s dead, baby. God’s dead.”

The Chaplain in the Woods? …with the wood?

Incestual Arranged Bride of Frankenstein

Easter Morning of the Living Dead

I Know Who You Fingered at Bible Camp Last Summer

What Ever Happened to Baby Jesus?… and the few people who got that love me for it.

Transformers: Revenge of Alpha Omegatron

I Apostled with a Zombie

The Iraqi Horror Picture Show

Gland of the Dead

Ralien vs. Sexual Predator

A sequel to “Rosemary’s Post-pubescent but still way too young to fuck Kid”, I think.

But no doubt not too young for the old ‘Roman War Helmet’ … And as a trusted source for google suggestions, try out a search for “roman war helmet”.

Live and die by the cross: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-27145931

And make sure you turn off safe search. And while you’re doing that we’ll wrap up the headlines. Heath, thanks as always.

Baha’i-anara, bitches!

And when we come back, Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality Podcast will join Heath and I to decide which one of us should fuck my wife.

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the theoretically monthly few minutes we set aside to get you caught up with all the great atheist, secular and skeptical meetups going on around the country and around the world. Secular get togethers are in full swing now, so if you want in on some of the events coming up in June and July, you’ll want to start making plans now.

On June 14th in London the Center for Inquiry is hosting an awesome sounding event called “God in the Lab: The Science of Religious Belief”. The topic lines are great and I’m getting shit for not including more British events, so there you go. Definitely check out their website though, because it they sell it way better than I am.

http://centreforinquiry.org.uk/?p=911

The weekend of the 21st of June the SSA will be holding the Western half of their bi-not really coastal but on that half of the country anyway meetings in Phoenix, Arizona. The other half will be in Columbus, Ohio the weekend of July 12th.

https://www.secularstudents.org/2014con

Of course, the biggest of the big and the one I’m desperately hoping to stow aboard some landing gear to get to this year is the Amazing Meeting in Vegas July 10th to 13th. Daniel mother-fuckin’ Dennett is the keynote; but they’ve also got DJ Grothe, Julia Galef, the SGU guys, Michael Shermer and Eugenie Scott, plus the one and only Geo Hrab hosting so holy shit… if somebody donates TAM tickets and airfare and a place to stay while I’m there I will compliment your genitals to unprecedented levels.

http://www.amazingmeeting.com/

Also wanted to throw a shoutout to the North Texas Secular Convention… I believe there’s a bit of a mix up for them and they had to delay the date so I’m not 100% sure when it’s happening, but the last I heard they were gonna have Greta Christina, Elyse Anders and friend of the show Darrel Ray there, so worth keeping abreast of them as well. Should be late July, early August, but right now their website doesn’t have an exact date.

http://www.ntxsecularcon.com/

That’s it for the June/July calendar, but a quick reminder on the May calendar. This weekend is ReasonCon and they moved to a larger venue so there may still be free tickets available by the time this episode airs. Hope to see you there. You can find a link to more info on ReasonCon and all the events discussed in the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Skit “The RadioCarbon Dating Game”

Hello ladies and Gentlemen! I’m your host Chip Shipley and it’s time for another episode of “The RadioCarbon Dating Game”! We’ve got three eligible but religiously bigoted bachelors who will only date a woman who shares their taste in omnipotent daddy figures and one religiously unaffiliated bachelorette. So without further ado, let’s meet our contestants!

First, straight from Williamsburg, New York and representing the oldest of the Abrahamic faiths, Chacham Leibovitz. Chacham, how do you feel about your chances?

As a Jew I’m obligated to assume the worst.

Very well. And representing the Islamic faith is Al Ma’ahi Almuk. Al Ma’ahi, are you excited?

No, because my faith forbids all forms of joy.

Huh… I expected you to sound less white.

Cat Stevens was a white Muslim, you racists!!! … And I don’t do voices.

Alrighty then. And lastly, representing Christianity is Ray… Shmomfort?

That’s right.

Shouldn’t that read Ray Comfort?

Don’t be ridiculous. That guy’s married and adultery is a sin. So I’m some other bloke, definitely not me.

It’s not premarital sex, if you don’t marry the girl.

That’s right, Deuteronomy 22:28 and 29…

Are you sure you’re not Ray Comfort? Because you have the porn mustache and everything.

Look, I’m Shmomfort, got it? Just call me Ray.

Whatever helps you sleep at night. And of course, these three questionably eligible gentlemen will be vying for the hand of tonight’s lovely bachelorette, so let’s give a round of applause to the beautiful Fannie Phillup!

Fannie, you look lovely tonight.

Thanks, Chip.

Now as I’m sure you’re aware, all three of our bachelors told our producers they would only date a woman who shares their religious conviction so you’re here tonight not just to choose a date, but to choose a god. Are you ready to do that?

I’m ready, Chip! And I’d appreciate it if you stopped staring at my boobs.

Well I’m not going to, but you’ll get used to it. So feel free to question our bachelors in any sexy way you choose.

Okay, my first question is for Al Ma’ahi (butchering name). Al Ma’ahi, if I was your Muslim girlfriend, where would you take me on our first date?

I don’t recall giving you permission to speak.

Oh… well, may I have your permission to speak?

I suppose.

Fuck you. My next question is for Chacham. If I was your Hasidic girlfriend, where would you take me on our first date?

To my mother’s house for approval.

Hm…Right. Ray, same question.

I’d take you somewhere I would be revered as a God amongst men. So it could be pretty much anywhere. Crematoriums, supermarkets… Probably a church, though, so we could share in our mutual love for Jesus.

Wow (sarcastically) this just keeps getting better. My next question is also for Ray. What kind of music would you listen to while we made love.

Well hold on now… our relationship would be restricted to intimate handholding and me “accidentally” brushing my hand across your boobs now and again until we were married.

…Good, because I otherwise I would have to throw acid at her…

But to answer your question, probably Nickelbuck.

Wait, Al Ma’ahi, you didn’t bring acid with you today, did you?

I feel like you want me to say … No?

Um…

My next question is for Chacham, I guess. What’s the craziest place you would ever make whoopie?

What the hell is the “whoopie”?

Um… making love.

And you want to know what now?

Where is the craziest place you’d ever do it?

The craziest in what way? You want we should have sex in an asylum or something?

I just mean the most unusual.

Oh… Sheboygan, I suppose.

Nevermind. My next question is for Al Ma’ahi. If we got married and had kids, what would you want our kids to grow up to be?

Boys.

Wow…

(interrupting) …Males…

Alright… Ray…

(interrupting) … Y chromosomes all the way…

Alright! Anyway, Ray, if I was your Christian girlfriend, where would you see us in ten years?

Raptured to Heaven watching all the sinners burn in torment for not taking me more seriously about the bananas.

What?

Oh, I mean for not taking Ray Comfort more seriously about the bananas.

Okay, Al Ma’ahi, if one of my friends flirted with you, would you tell me?

How would I know it wasn’t you, given the veil?

Alright, Fannie, we’ve got time for one more question before you make your decision, so make it an important one.

Okay, Chacham, if I was your jewish girlfriend, could I expect a lot of oral?

Urgh… only if you washed it before and during and never on the Sabbath.

Hm. Al Ma’ahi, same question.

I only eat that stuff if it’s from a Halal butcher. Would you consider circumcision?

Wow. Seriously dude!? And Ray? Oral sex?

Sinful and debaucherous and worthy of an eternity of torment in hell.

Alright, Fannie, time to make your choice.

Hm… how about you Chip? You go down?

I’m an atheist and I can breathe through my ears.

I guess I’ll pick you then.

What!? That’s not fair! You can’t do that. My faith is easier to pick than a broken nose, let alone that guy!

Ray, I’d like you to very carefully hand me that glass. And don’t drink from it or let it touch your skin.

This one?

Yeah, the ‘Halal Clear Liquid’ … The one that says HCL.

Nope. I’m the host and I make the rules. Don’t hand him that glass. Excellent choice, Fannie. Well that’s it for our show this week. I’m Chip Shipley reminding all the ladies out there to support women’s rights by fucking an atheist.

Outro:

Before we blow our load this week, I need to thank the incomparable Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality podcast for channeling Ray Comfort for us tonight; but I also wanted to make you aware of a very cool fundraiser he’s doing. There’s too much detail to squeeze into the outro of this show, but here’s the elevator pitch: Adam is trying to help raise money for an atheist in need by auctioning off a hand-crafted wooden cow.

Here’s hoping that sentence piqued your curiosity. I strongly encourage you to get more details at Herd Mentality Podcast (dot) com; it’s for a really good cause, it’s a really cool cow and I know from experience that we have extraordinarily generous listeners. You can listen to episode 56 of his show to get the long and short of it and if I haven’t already convinced you, I should point out that right after he spills the beans about the cow auction, he interviews Lawrence Krauss… so there’s plenty of reasons to listen to that show.

I also wanted to let you know about a Twitter project I’ve got going this week. As you may know, we’re about to hit the halfway mark in the Bible in preparation for Psalms next week. Now, the book is way too long for us to go into our customary “Holy Babble” level of detail, so leading up to that, I’ll be tweeting an atheist’s summary of each of the 150 psalms starting at midnight tonight. I’ll tweet one every hour, which means I’ll be finishing up a couple hours before next week’s episode is released.

And if that’s not enough of a reason to follow us on Twitter, I’ll also be Tweeting from ReasonCon this weekend to let you know what an awesome time you’re missing out on. That’s (at) Noah (underscore) Lugeons, L-U-G-E-O-N-S. And if you don’t want to sift through the tweets, I’ll also be releasing a full list of the 150 Tweets on the blog shortly after the episode airs.

Alright, so one more quick thanks to Adam. I need to thank Heath for leaving some of the dick jokes for the rest of us. I need to thank Lucinda for being so cute and charismatic that she’ll make up for my socially-awkward misanthropy this weekend when we’re meeting our listeners for the first time. And of course, I need to thank Don and the Secular Student Alliance at Georgia Southern University for (a) providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and (b) having the nerve to be part of the Secular Student Alliance at a university in South Georgia. Well done guys and gals.

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s best people; Max, Adam, Richard, Dan, CincyPharmer, Alfred, Taben, Graham, Cherie, Magnus, AJ and Rachel. Max, Adam and Richard whose ejaculations can only be described as Vesuvian; Dan, CincyPharmer and Alfred, whose posters Kryptonian kids have on their walls; Taben, Graham and Cherie, who are so secular god knows better than to fuck with them after they sneeze; and Magnus, AJ and Rachel, who are so fast they make Mr. Miyogi look like a pansy for needing that second chopstick.

These twelve laudable listeners, also known as the Spotless Dozen, have helped to postpone the impending dick joke famine this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the mortality, vitality and sensuality it takes to give us money, but if you think the world needs more secular healing, you can donate to us at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist. You can make a per episode donation there and in return you get every episode earlier, you get ten to thirty per cent more episode every week and, depending on how much you donate, you get a bunch of other cool shit, too. And if you want to forego the cool shit and make a one time donation, you can do that by clicking on the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help but spending money isn’t your style, you can also help us a ton by giving us a five star review on iTunes, and thanks, by the way, to all the lovely listeners that heeded our call for more iTunes reviews last week. It really means a lot to us.

Oh, and if you like to get your podcasts on the go, check out the Stitcher App and listen to us there. That helps us out, too.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: Adam Reakes, antitheism, atheism, atheism podcast, atheist, atheist podcast, Ray Comfort, science, skeptic

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