An Amusing Story
March 18, 2013
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by Noah Lugeons
I live in New York City, which means that if you don’t live in New York City, I pay more for everything than you do. I pay more for milk, more for movie tickets, more for takeout and, most of all, more for rent. And like many New Yorkers, when faced with the “you can afford a studio apartment on the seventh floor of a walk up if you don’t mind the well-armed cockroaches” dilemma, I chose instead to go with the “really nice place that I share with half a dozen other people” option.
My roommates have been very supportive of the podcast, which is fortunate. My wife and I have the basement apartment which means that from time to time I have to say stuff like, “nobody walk in the living room for the next half hour, I’ve got an interview”. And while they’ve largely been supportive, I can’t say that they’ve been “understanding” exactly. They’re very accommodating and they clearly realize this is something that is very important to me, but I don’t think any of them have the blindest clue why I’m doing it.
Basically, they don’t understand why I would work so often and so hard on something that I’m not getting paid to do. Sure, they all have passions and hobbies that they do without compensation, but I guess something about putting together a “show” that strikes them as the kind of thing one gets paid for. Why provide people with entertainment if there’s no financial reward?
Well, I’m sure that you know the answer to that already. Financial isn’t the only type of reward. Becoming a part of a community that I care passionately about, meeting and interviewing people I admire and respect, having a creative outlet, the knowledge that I’m doing a small part to correct a large injustice, the knowledge that at any given moment I might be making someone in the world laugh, the pride that I take when I see the podcast climb up the iTunes ranks, the ability to say things that I have to hold in through the majority of my day; any one of those things would probably be enough to keep me doing this, but the fact that I get all of them makes it a real no-brainer.
Despite my ready list of reasons, I’ve still been unable to sufficiently explain my motivation to my roommates. I’ll tell them all that good stuff and they’ll nod understandingly, but then they’ll still say, “you should be getting paid for it, though.”
Well, over the weekend I finally got an answer that explained it to at least one of them. I got an email from a listener named Jeff with the heading ‘An Amusing Story’. I hope he doesn’t mind me reprinting it here (and I can’t imagine that he does), but here’s the email in it’s entirety:
Just a story I thought I’d share. I was playing a game of Hearts with some guys during lunch, 2 Italian ,1 Irish, all Catholic. During the game I was leading and being annoyingly cocky. As it turned out I ended up losing, one of the guys turns to me and says, ”See? God don’t like cocky!!”
I replied,”I know, if God liked cocky he would have been sucking Joseph’s dick instead of fucking Mary, and you would have never gotten you little Savior”. The faces were priceless, I’m sure lightning was expected.
One of my roommates was there when I opened my inbox and, of course, asked me what I was laughing at. I read him the email and he had a laugh as well. Then he asks, “Is that a friend of yours from Georgia?”
“No, it’s somebody who listens to the show.”
“Well… wait, a perfect stranger sent you that?”
As much as I don’t like thinking of our listeners as ‘perfect strangers’ I didn’t want to nitpick so I simply said, “Yeah.”
“Why would a perfect stranger send you that story?” he asked.
“Because he knew I would appreciate it.”
He didn’t respond, but I could tell by the look on his face that for the first time, it clicked with him. He finally understood why I would invest a part-time job’s worth of time to produce a show that I then give it away for free.
Categories: Podcast Updates
atheism, atheist podcast
Yes, I Know it’s a Podcast
March 17, 2013
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by Noah Lugeons
When I first set out to make the “Scathing Atheist” I made a number of decisions that seem odd to a lot of podcasters… and a lot of listeners, for that matter. For example, instead of using a “pod-safe” music service, I chose to compose all the music myself, though I admit that I probably could have gotten better music with less effort. Instead of doing a more typical “stream of consciousness” semi-directed conversational podcast, I chose to script the vast majority of the show, even though it would have been far easier to opt for a more typical, free-form format.
I’ve discussed both of these decisions a bit on the blog before, but the one that I’m asked about most often is the time constraints I put on the show. I received an email from Carolyn this morning that was rather typical of the sentiment that a number of listeners have expressed. I cut out the flattering paragraph and skipped straight to the meat of the email. I point that out because without the opening and closing paragraphs this might paint Carolyn as demanding and mean, but I can assure you that the overall tone of the email was overwhelmingly positive:
I noticed that in your Pope-ulation Zero episode you said something about the interview ‘running long’ so you put the full interview on the website. You do know it’s a podcast, right? You can make is as long and short as you want and I’m sure I would much rather just listen to a longer podcast rather than miss out on some of the interview. It seems like making it exactly thirty minutes would make it much harder than just some weeks doing a 25 minute show and other weeks doing a 40 minute show. Trust me, your listeners would not mind if the show is different lengths every week. Most podcast[s] are.”
Of course, Carolyn is not the first person to point this out to me. In fact, enough people have mentioned it that I have something of a standard “copy and paste” response to it. And since enough people have asked about it that I’ve formulated a standard response, it seems that addressing it on the blog might save me a bit of copying and pasting in the future.
So why the draconian 30 minute limit? There are actually three reasons that I’ve chosen that:
- Personal preference: I just prefer podcasts that are consistent in length. Though I listen to a number of shows that vary greatly, I prefer the ones where I know that I’m investing an hour or forty minutes or twelve minutes or whatever. I know that this is not the “standard” in podcasting, but I listen to podcasts to fill voids in my day and if I know that a particular podcast is going to give me exactly forty-five minutes each week, I know that it can be my “Thursday morning commute podcast” or whatever.
- I ramble: One thing that most podcaster share is a love of their own voice (or, more specifically, their own opinions). I have a bad habit of rambling ceaselessly and I know that if I’m not on script and on point, I can take half an hour to make a two minute point and still never really get there. By restraining myself with the 30 minute time limit, I know that if I want to make a point, I’ve got to do it with an eye on the clock. I’ve can’t afford to get distracted talking about how pissed I am about the Oscars for ten minutes or I’ll have wasted a third of the show without ever hitting the topic I’m there to discuss (and the listener is there to listen to).
- Thinning the Herd: We typically record at least 35 minutes for each episode, but more often it’s closer to 45. Sometimes I have to pull whole segments and put them in hold for future shows, but more often, I find myself making small trims and clips through all the segments. The headlines segment might start at 14 minutes when I know I only need about 10. So first I’ll cut the least important (or least funny) news item, but then I’ll go back through and ask myself of each sentence “what purpose does this sentence serve?” When I find one that is redundant, unfunny or otherwise unnecessary, I cut it. Sometimes this does leave me gutting good material, but most of the time I’m able to trim away fat.
The fact is, I love everything I do. I make no apologies for it: I’m a big fan of me. I think every skit I write is hilarious, every point I make is profound and every song I write is a work of art (and hilarious, and profound). But as much as I feel this deep in my bones, I also know that it isn’t true. Like everyone else in the world, I do some good and some bad. The time limits I put on myself in the show is largely a counterbalance to my own arrogance. I know that I’m arrogant and if I wasn’t at least a little arrogant I’d never have thought to myself, “I bet people would listen to me for 30 minutes every other week, despite the fact that I’m completely unqualified to opine on anything.” But I’m also a firm advocate of scientific skepticism and I know all about confirmation bias.
The way I account for this is by setting a pretty strict standard. If Heath comes up with a skit that is hilarious and we have a good interview, I know that I now have only, say, 18 minutes of show left. That means that only the funniest, most important shit is going to make it into the final cut. If I really, really, really want to put in some particular bit, I know that the only way to get it into the format is to shorten the diatribe, shore up the headlines and keep the feedback segment short. So I then have to ask myself, “Is this skit worth stealing time from all these other segments? Would it be better to just push this bit to the next episode?”
Obviously, sometimes really good stuff has to be cut. A news item that won’t be topical in a future episode, a few minutes of hilarious tangent during an interview, a skit that relies on current events; but ultimately I think the positive far outweighs the negative.
I’m reminded of a great quote from Pascal (pithy yes, but a terrible gambler) that every writer can appreciate. It came at the end of a correspondence and it sums up the point better than I could ever hope to:
I’d have written a shorter letter, but I didn’t have the time.
Categories: Podcast Updates
Post Rapture Looting Interview Now Available
March 16, 2013
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by Noah Lugeons
Haven’t even had a chance to listen to it myself yet, but I wanted to make good on my promise to link it ASAP. Just got home and this was my second thing I did. The first one wasn’t exactly legal, so we won’t be going into any details on that…
You can, of course, find the Post Rapture Looting Podcast on iTunes, and, if you’re a fan of humor and irreverence from an atheist perspective, you should probably just go ahead and subscribe. But it you don’t have time for that, you can also hear the interview by clicking here.
Categories: Podcast Updates
atheist, podcast, rapture
Papal Media Cock-Slobber-Fest
March 15, 2013
1 comment
by Noah Lugeons
Wow, what a successful first 48 hours Pope Francine has had. He’s already transformed the image of the Catholic church, righted centuries of racial bigotry, cured global poverty, refocused the Catholic religion on the core of Christ’s message and made everyone completely forget about the child rape and torture thing.
What’s that you say? He hasn’t done any of that? Oh, sorry, I was getting all my information from the American television media.
I’m already sick of hearing about what a transformative figure Pope Franky is. It’s not just the fallacious notion that anybody can be considered “transformative” after two days on the job (much of that spent sleeping). We went from a sexist, scandal-plagued, geriatric, mentally-antiquated man of European decent to a sexist, scandal-plagued, geriatric, mentally-antiquated man of different European ancestry and this was a transformation? We went from a backwards thinking jackass to a backward looking jack-off and that was a transformation?
But you’d never doubt it if you were just listening to the mainstream media. They just can’t seem to get a big enough mouthful of papal cock. He’s going to rededicate the church, you see, to dealing with global poverty. The guy that’s moving into the golden palace built on crusade booty, confiscated Jewish fortunes and the tears of tortured children is going to rededicate the church to global poverty.
Well, I suppose the first step in that direction would be to lift the nonsensical, anti-scientific contraception ban that even the vast majority of Catholics think is stupid right? No? Not going to move on that one, huh? Despite the fact that it would be the single most significant thing you could possibly do to combat global poverty and it would be free, easy and instantaneous. Still not going to do it, eh?
Well don’t worry, I’m sure that in the absence of action the hard-hitting media will continue to pretend you’re transforming something despite the fact that you head the most static, moth-eaten, obsolete, perpetually pertinacious institution in the history of the world. After all, we’re all getting bored with the whole “kid fucking” narrative and as long as the media isn’t talking about that, I suppose Pope Francesca is transforming something.
Categories: General Bitches and Gripes
agnostic, atheism, atheist, Catholicism, Child Rape and Torture, Christianity, faith, jesus, Pope Francis, religion
Episode 5: Partial Transcript
March 14, 2013
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Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Mel Gibson’s new line of South American anti-Semitic liquors including the award winning Pog-Rum and Tequila Savior.
So when you’re celebrating the conclave finally electing a pope from the continent where all the Catholics live, be sure to celebrate with pure grain alcoholocaust denial.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday, it’s March 14th and I’m kinda wishing we’d recorded the headlines the day after they elected the new pope rather than the day before.
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from hedonistic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this fortnight’s episode:
- Heaven-bound Christians inexplicably buy health insurance,
- We’ll find a Bishop who finally decided to prick on someone his own size,
- And we’ll get the “too soon” clock started on Duane Gish jokes,
But first, the Diatribe.
Diatribe:
Alright, so when it comes down to it, Jesus was a pretty alright guy. And that’s true whether he existed or not. Atheist or no, I can admit that. Hell, I don’t like Superman comics, but I’ll admit that Superman is a pretty alright guy. He’s actually way more pretty-alright than Jesus, but that’s beside the point.
I mean sure, by the standards of today, Jesus is an amoral jackass, but it’s not fair to fault a historical figure for the immorality of his time. I mean, as long as you don’t go claiming he’s a divine incarnation of an omniscient being, you have to forgive him for not seeing 19 centuries ahead on things like gay rights, gender equality and capital punishment… hell, at least 50% of the major political parties in the US haven’t figured that shit out yet.
So if you set aside all the “son of god” shit and think of Jesus as an at-least-mostly-fictitious guy with impeccable morals, a timeless message of universal love and a scraggly hippie-beard, it’s pretty hard to find fault with him. If Christians were just people who applied the moral message of Jesus and set aside all the deific douche-baggery, it would be really hard to bitch about them.
But none of that matters. It’s an academic argument because Christianity has nothing to do with the moral teachings of Jesus. They talk about him a lot and they sing songs about him and they wear his murder weapon, but they’ve all but given up on his whole message.
Sure, you can trot out a Christian that follows the example of Christ most of the time, but I can trot out an atheist that does the same. And when I do, there’ll be two Christian ass-danglers following behind yelling about how he’s gonna burn in hell.
Sure, you can point to a humanitarian effort that was spurred on by Christians following the word of Christ. And I can show you a secular equivalent that’s spurred on by common sense and a basic sense of humanity. And when I do they’ll be the ones offering help to people even if they don’t swear allegiance to the correct space-wizard.
Sure, you can point to a Christian influence in every great social movement in American history, but I can also point to a Christian influence in the opposition to every great social movement in American history. And when I do, it’ll be hard to ignore the fact that my group is 1200 times bigger than yours.
The truth is Christianity is just a word and Jesus is just a name. The modern American Christian doesn’t worship anything about Jesus except his muscle tone. In fact, if you look at the issues that seem to enrage Christians, you could be forgiven for thinking that Christ spent most of his time talking about gun rights, abortion, condoms, stem-cell research, capitalism, violent video games, masturbation, gays, pornography and masturbating to gay pornography. And, oh yeah, something about feeding poor people to lions or something.
Think about it. Here you’ve got this guy who’s chocked full of good parables, forward thinking morality, miraculous alcohol making and unassisted water skiing, but they glaze over that shit and obsess over the 0.16% of the bible that deals with their savior getting brutally tortured to death.
So what exactly did Jesus say about gays? Well, nothing actually, but he did say something about loving the least of God’s children.
What did Jesus say about the right to bear arms? Well, there were no guns at the time, but I seem to recall him being anti-stoning.
What did Jesus have to say about capital punishment? Well, I’m not sure but I’m willing to bet that toward the end of his life he was against it.
What did Jesus have to say about video games and stem cell research? Well nothing because they didn’t exist.
What did Jesus have to say about abortion; something that absolutely, positively, undeniably did exist before Jesus ever reverse-popped his mommy’s hymen? Turns out he completely forgot to mention how against it he was. Luckily Pat Robertson was there to pick up where Jesus left off.
So talk Jesus all they want, but don’t invoke him when you’re trying to justify your religion. Jesus doesn’t need your dumb-ass religion to be a decent guy. I’m a big fan of Thoreau, and I don’t need him to be the son of god but actually god but actually a wafer in order to follow his moral philosophy.
In fact, I think it’s about time we officially retire old Jesus. He was kind of a pussy anyway. What modern day Americans need is an ass-kicking, name taking version of Jesus; a guy who would only turn the other cheek if he was setting up a spinning roundhouse kick. They need a karate-Jesus that has a utility belt and banters well with super villains. They need a nunchuck-toting Jesus that ignores poor people, embraces trickle-down economics, hates fags, smokes Marlboro Reds and always has a good one-liner before he takes out a motherfucker.
In other words, they need an AMERICAN Jesus. I mean, if you’re going to completely ignore the moral underpinnings of your religion, why not go all the way?
“American Jesus” Song Lyrics:
(Amin, F, Amin, C)
I love me some Jesus, yes I do.
He died on the cross for my IOU.
He’s a lean mean Nazarene fightin’ machine,
He took the money changers from the temple, kicked them in the spleen…
(Amin, Emin)
He said, “Kapow, Get out! Don’t make me shout, bitch,
I usually turn the other cheek, but I’m liable to switch.”
He said, “You’re full of flab, you usurious clod,
I’ve got six-pack abs and I’m the son of God!”
(Amin, Dmin, Amin, Emin)
(Amin, F, Amin, C)
Oh, I love me some Jesus, yes I do.
He’s a bad motherfucker, thought you knew.
Back in the Jurassic wrestled dinosaurs;
That’s why you don’t see ‘em around anymore.
(Amin, Emin)
He said, “Kapow!”, Took out, tyrannosaurus,
He’s a bearded badass make you forget what’s-his-name Norris.
He was slick, and quick and impossible to capture,
Took the dinos up to heaven in the veloci-rapture.
(Amin, Dmin, Amin, Emin)
(Amin, F, C, Emin)
Cause he’s American Jesus, eats unleavened grilled cheeses
And he’ll tear you to pieces with his sword!
American Jesus, man, he’ll cure your diseases,
Or kick your mortal ass for the lord,
Oh lord, oh lord…
(Amin, F, Amin, C)
Oh, I love me some Jesus, yes I do.
There’s no doubt that he’s my favorite Jew
On the day he was born there was an extra star in the skies,
Three dudes came up to visit, every one of them wise,
(Amin, Emin)
They brought him gold, and myrrh, and frankincense,
Seems like weird gifts for a baby, but to them it made sense.
One was black, one brown, the other vaguely Asian,
But don’t worry ‘cause Jesus was a regular Caucasian.
(Amin, Dmin, Amin, Emin)
(Amin, F, C, Emin)
Cause he’s American Jesus, eats unleavened grilled cheeses
And he’ll tear you to pieces with his sword!
American Jesus, man he’ll cure your diseases,
Or kick your mortal ass for the lord,
Yes he’s America’s Christ, won’t it be nice?
The way they crucified him once, but he’ll come back twice, man.
He’s America’s God, and whether you’re a sinner or not,
He’ll make you holier if it’s only when your ass gets shot,
He’s America’s Messiah, unless my uncle is a liar,
His eyes can shoot out lasers and his fingers summon fire.
He’s America’s Savior, it’s risky behavior,
Not to take a knee right now and let him save your soul___
Oh Lord, Amen.
Headlines:
In our lead story tonight, America’s 15th largest mega-church is facing foreclosure. The “Family Christian Center” of Indiana is more than $600,000 in the red and the First National Bank of Illinois isn’t buying the “we’re praying as hard as we can line.”
This is not the first time the congregation has faced litigation due to mortgage default. In 2011, the Evangelical Christian Credit Usurers… I mean Union filed a case against them when they fell behind on payments for their worship center.
So ask me why a congregation that brings in between 7 and 10 million dollars a year can’t pay its bills.
Apparently “pay taxes and mortgage on condos owned by the congregation” falls lower on the financial priority list than things like 1st class travel, executive perks and jet fuel.
To be fair, the Family Christian Center denies allegations that it’s flailing in the quicksand of financial ruin brought on by decades of decadent debauchery, but they also claim Jesus is Lord so they’re a dubious source at best.
In more mountainous news, a Colorado Appeals Court has upheld the controversial Douglas County initiative that would divert public school funds to religious schools. The “Choice Scholarship Pilot Program” offers $4,500 vouchers to students that can then be used for tuition at private schools. At the time of the recording, 18 of the 23 private schools participating in the program were religious in nature.
The ACLU partnered with the religious liberty watchdog group Americans United to politely remind Douglas County that we are still doing the whole “constitution” thing, but apparently 2 of the 3 judges hearing the appeal disagreed.
Judge Steve Bernard, the sole dissenter, said “that the Choice Scholarship Program is a pipeline that violates [a] direct and clear constitutional command”. Not sure what the other two judges were thinking, but my guess is it was something like, “look, if we got it right every time there wouldn’t be a state supreme court, now would there?”
In even more fucked up news, the Kentucky Senate has revived a bill that would not only allow a Christians-Only heath insurance provider to operate, but also exempt it entirely from insurance regulations. The bill specifically reverses an earlier ban on the non-profit, not-quite-insurance company “Medi-Share”.
You see, Medi-Share is like insurance in that you pay them each month in hopes that when you need medical care it will be taken care of or heavily discounted. But unlike insurance, they’re not really under any obligation to pay. Its website describes the service as “A modern day version of what the church started back in the book of Acts.” I’m not sure what they mean by that, but I assume that somewhere in their mission statement it talks about smoothing shit over with the Roman Empire.
In addition to getting away with shady business practices, the group is also allowed to discriminate against anyone who wants to buy into their sham that isn’t willing to lead a “biblical” lifestyle.
http://news.yahoo.com/senate-panel-revives-christian-health-000037587.html & http://news.yahoo.com/ky-bill-save-christian-health-133221588.html
But that’s not the only outrageously imprudent bill on the Kentucky House floor. We now turn our attention to House Bill 279, a bill that would allow people to sidestep anti-discrimination laws if their bigotry was based on a sincerely held religious conviction.
Never mind how Kentucky legislators intend to legally determine the sincerity of one’s convictions, the law is clearly aimed at helping insulate bigots who want to deny equal access to gays. Bob Damron, the democratic sponsor of the bill, offers some hand-waving bullshit about religious freedom, but opponents of the bill point out that its vague language could (quote) “give people permission to discriminate based on their religious beliefs, thereby… [imposing those] beliefs on others with legal authority to do so.”
Supporters of the bill point out that (quote) “we’re not goin’ after the kikes of the chinks or nothin’. This law is just about them lesbos and queers.” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/03/10/kentucky-bill-would-allow-discrimination-based-on-sincerely-held-religious-beliefs/
Turning now to international news, we land once again in Vatican City where officials now admit to some of the accusations stemming from the wire-tapping scandal that stemmed from the vati-leaks scandal that stemmed from the Vatican gay sex blackmail scandal that stemmed from the Papal money laundering scandal that stemmed from the child rape and torture scandal that stemmed from the absurd decision to ask grown men to not use their dicks.
So let’s take that in reverse order, skipping over the dicks.
In March of 2012, the Vatican launched a nation-wide, city-wide investigation in hopes of finding out how the fuck the Pope’s personal diary and erotic letters to Jessica Simpson kept winding up on the front page of Italian Newspapers.
A couple months later they would discover that the butler did it in the rectory with the lead pipe, but not before the stream of incriminating documents would uncover evidence of bribery, blackmail, money laundering and a gay-sex prostitution ring.
Fast forward a year and the Vatican is finally admitting to at least a few of the allegations around the Draconian investigations, saying now that they “only tapped two or three phones” and that they “only listened to the verbs and prepositions”.
In other Catholic Old Gay Reality Show Blooper Reel Material, Cardinal O’Brien, the former archbishop of St. Andrews and Edinburgh, has stepped down amid allegations of sexual abuse and impropriety toward 4 priests that served under him both figuratively and literally.
O’Brien initially denied allegations but days later recounted and agreed to step down only weeks before he was scheduled to participate in the conclave that would select the next pope. When asked about his reversal, O’Brien said “Initially [the] anonymous and non-specific nature [of the allegations] led me to contest them.”
So I guess once the details were filled in he said, “Oh those guys? Yeah, I sexually assaulted them, sure.”
http://www.cnn.com/2013/03/03/world/catholic-church-obrien/index.html?on.cnn=1
And in tonight’s Water-Is-Wet Report, a new study finds that offering criminals a religious doctrine of unconditional forgiveness doesn’t deter them from committing more crime. The study, which was published this month in the journal ‘Theoretical Criminology’ concludes that presenting inmates with religious doctrine does not reduce criminal behavior and instead may actually exacerbate it.
The researchers interviewed 48 inmates and noted a number of “elaborate and creative rationalizations” that they used to reconcile their religious belief with their actions. And some of these are pretty fun:
- “Cool” told researchers that he would say a quick prayer before robbing someone to (quote) “Stay cool with Jesus.”
- “Triggerman” explained that “God has to forgive everyone, even if they don’t believe in him.”
- “Young Stunna” said, “See, if you go and rob a motherfucker” and to be fair, I’m assuming he said mother fucker because all it says is “expletive” in the quote so I could have used anything here. But anyway, he said, “If you go and rob a motherfucker, then I’m still going to Heaven because, it’s like, Jesus knows I ain’t have no choice, you know?”
So the study provides evidence that (a) religion is not an effective deterrent to crime, (b) it can be and is used to justify further criminal actions and (c) that religious people use bullshit rationalizations to keep their faith from imploding around them.
And then they load their conclusions up with a bunch of shit that isn’t remotely supported by the evidence. They basically ignore the obvious conclusion: religion is not effective in deterring crime, and instead they pander and pussy-foot around suggesting that religion is definitely really awesome and good and all, but it just isn’t being employed correctly. http://www.vancouversun.com/news/national/study+raises+questions+about+religion+deterrent+against/7981683/story.html
American Atheist’s latest billboard campaign
Skit:
VOICEOVER:
Meanwhile, in Heaven…
GOD:
(in progress)
…and not a one of those mother fuckers thanked me.
Watch and see. None of them are ever gonna win
an Oscar again. I’ll DiCaprio the lot of ‘em…
SFX: Beeping
GABRIEL:
Uh-oh, the God-O-Tron!
SFX: Whoosh
GOD:
Jesus Christ!
JESUS:
Yeah?
GOD:
Looks like Mabel in Pulaski lost her keys again. See what you can do.
JESUS:
Got it.
GOD:
You know which one really irks me? Ang Lee. That jackass loads his
movie with Christian themes, I go to the limits of my omnipotence to get
a Best Director Award to a guy who…
SFX: Beeping
GABRIEL:
Wait, there’s more coming through…
GOD:
Damn it… now I’ve lost my train of thought.
GABRIEL:
Oh man, this is bad. A volcano is about to erupt and
kill hundreds of malnourished islanders! We’ve gotta do something!
GOD:
Still looking for those keys, Gabriel.
GABRIEL:
But God!
GOD:
One thing at a time, Gabe. I can’t do everything at once.
URIEL:
Well, actually, you can, sir.
GOD:
Nobody asked you, Uriel!
URIEL:
It’s just that you’re omnipotent, sir. You could…
GOD:
How many times do I have to tell you guys? I work
in mysterious ways!
URIEL:
(mumbling) When you work at all…
GOD:
What was that?
URIEL:
Nothing…
GABRIEL:
God, the volcano!
GOD:
Oh, Jesus H. Christ!
JESUS:
Yeah?
GOD:
Have you found those keys yet?
JESUS:
Did you ask her where she had them last?
GOD:
(Sighs)
If she knew that they wouldn’t be lost, now would they?
JESUS:
Still lookin…
GOD:
Oh yeah. Ang Lee. I mean, that dude just pointed a camera
at a green screen for a couple of weeks and I manage to
miracle him into Best Director. And then what?
SFX: Beeping
GOD:
(Sighs)
Doesn’t anyone know that I’ve got Oscars to bitch about here?!
GABRIEL:
It’s just messages.
JESUS:
Found them.
GOD:
Finally…
JESUS:
Oh wait. Those were earrings…
GABRIEL:
You want those messages, God?
GOD:
Fine, Gabriel.
GABRIEL:
Well… Lucifer says he’s still really, really sorry and promises
never to do it again if you let him back into heaven.
Mary called again but I deleted the message like you asked.
GOD:
Women…
GABRIEL:
Oh, and Noah’s making one of those podcasts
you hate so much again…
GOD:
What, Ark Noah?
GABRIEL:
No… the… Noah Lugeons. The “Scathing Atheist”? He’s
the one that…
URIEL:
The one that called you a Shit Porn.
GOD:
And he’s making another one? Damn it, where’s my Brimstone?!
URIEL:
Oh, like you’re really gonna smite him.
GOD:
I could smite him! You guys all seem to think I’ve gone soft, but I
can still smite. You’re talking about the guy that took out Sodom and
URIEL, GABRIEL & JESUS in UNISON:
…Gomorrah and flooded the whole world…
GOD:
Enough! Jesus, what are you doing? Did you find those keys?
JESUS:
She found some old photo album and forgot what she was
looking for. Now what was that about a volcano?
GABRIEL:
…too late.
Calendar:
It’s time for the Atheist Calendar portion of the show. With the atheist community all abuzz about the American Atheist’s 50th Anniversary Convention in Austin, I figured we’d devote the whole calendar this fortnight to all the fun and excitement happening over Easter weekend.
The bulk of the festivities begin on the 29th, but Registration opens at 5 o’clock on the 28th. There’s also a “Dinner with the Stars” fundraising event. For an additional $250 you can attend a dinner and auction with luminaries like Matt Dillahunty, Greta Christina, Pete Stark, David Silverman and more.
But the real fireworks start on Friday with talks beginning at 9:30 and running through the day. David Silverman will kick things off, but the list of speakers for the day is loaded, all culminating in a Music and Comedy show featuring Greydon Square, Blair Scott & Keith Lowell.
Saturday has a hell of a lineup as well. It starts off with a Parenting in Atheism panel and continues with an exciting series of speakers throughout the day, plus additional panels like Atheism vs. Humanism and Women in Atheism. And unlike congressional hearings, this panel on women will have women on it.
And while the rest of the country is looking for pastel-colored Jesus bunny eggs, we’ll be treated to a Sunday Sermon by none other than Jerry Dewitt. He’ll be followed by friend of the show Hemant Mehta and a bunch of other notables including but not limited to Seth Andrews, Edwin Kagin and, of course, the keynote address by AC Grayling.
Should be a ton of fun and as of this recording, tickets are still available. I hope to be attending as well. There won’t be a Scathing Atheist meet-up, but I’ll be easy to find: I’ll be the tall, thin, handsome guy standing next to me.
For a full and up to date schedule of speakers and events, check the shownotes for this episode. As always, if you’re involved with an Atheist, Skeptical or Secular event that needs a little free publicity, drop me a line. You’ll find all the contact info on the “Contact” page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
http://atheists.org/convention2013/schedule
Feedback & Outro:
Couple of quick emails to respond to before we close things out for the night.
The first one comes from Ellen in Texas. She appreciated the take down of Peggie Drexler’s op-ed in Episode 3, but she pointed out that I tragically overlooked the dumbest sentence in the whole article; one where she clearly inverts the order on the Javon Belcher murder/suicide, posing it instead as a chronologically-perplexing suicide/murder. I’m ashamed to have missed a perfect closing joke there.
Also wanted to respond to a miserable jackass who identifies himself or herself as “potbelly” and leaves the following nugget of brain poop in my inbox:
“It doesn’t take much to see who is right and wrong in the religious debate. When you hear Christians speak, they talk about charity, love and universal kinship. And when you hear Atheists talk they’re just calling other people motherfuckers. Noah could take a cue from the Christians if he took a second to stop degrading them.”
Well, “potbelly”, I have 3 issues with that email. First of all, you don’t capitalize “atheist”. I appreciate the effort, but we aren’t disciples of Athea the wise or anything.
Secondly, I’ve never called anybody a “mother fucker” on this show. I’ve called people things that are just as bad or worse, but I’ve never actually referred to anybody as a “mother fucker” so clearly you’re not paying attention.
And finally, I’m sorry that I didn’t think to take a cue from all those Christians I’m constantly degrading. Luckily, I’ve got a montage of crazy You-Tube preachers on hand to help me set the tone with some of that charity, love and universal kinship you were talking about:
And with that note of unconditional love and brotherhood I think we can safely ignore motherfuckers like potbelly.
That’ll do it for the show this fortnight, but if you want more, there’s more. Carl and Ben over at the Post Rapture Looting Podcast made the mistake of inviting Heath and I on to chat with them a few nights ago. The interview should be available on their feed on Saturday the 16th. Check out postrapturelooting.net or keep an eye on our website, as we’ll be posting a link as soon as it’s available.
http://postrapturelooting.net/PRL/
I want to thank the truly friendly atheist Hemant Mehta for providing the Farnsworth quote for this episode. In addition to being a superbly awesome-nice guy who gives people audio clips for no reason except his inherent sense of goodness, he also runs the closest thing on the internet to a one-stop shop for Atheist news stories. You can find him, along with a host of other great atheist blogs at patheos (dot) com. We’ll have a link on the shownotes, of course.
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/
I also want to thank Jay, Santi and my partner in crime Heath Enwright for helping with the skit and the headlines tonight. But most of all, I want to thank you for giving us 30 minutes of your life. We’ll be working really hard to earn 30 minutes next time. If you enjoy the show, please help us spread the word by leaving us a good review on iTunes or Stitcher. And yes, we’re now on Stitcher so listen to us there. If you don’t have the Stitcher app, go to iTunes and get that because you’re not a fucking Flinstone, are you? I mean, iTunes? That’s where the Neanderthals got their podcasts. It’s all about Stitcher now.
We’ll be back in two weeks with co-host of Reasonable Doubts Justin Schieber for a discussion on the merits and techniques of publicly debating theists.
http://freethoughtblogs.com/reasonabledoubts
Until then you can find more on our blog at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, including links to all the headlines and events discussed in this episode. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Categories: Show Transcripts
My Best/Worst Interview
March 13, 2013
5 comments
by Noah Lugeons
Famous last words: “What could possibly go wrong?”
So I recorded my first Skype interview last night. Well, actually, I technically neglected to record my first Skype interview last night, but we’ll get to that.
I’ve been a long time fan or the Reasonable Doubts podcast and after hearing that on the upcoming episode, co-host Justin Schieber would be debating someone on the existence of God, I got it in my head that I should invite Justin on the Scathing Atheist to discuss the merits and techniques of publicly debating theists. Seemed like an interesting topic and he was certainly qualified to opine on it.
Now, I’m sure there’s probably a way that this is usually done, by I don’t know it. So I just sent the dude a tweet telling him I wanted to interview him about debating theists. Much to my surprise, within an hour he’d tweeted me back to confirm. Not only that, but he said he’d be available to do it that night.
To be honest, I was a bit nervous. I wasn’t really prepared and I’d never recorded a Skype interview before. Seems simple enough, but when it came down to it, it was a bit trickier than I expected. I got Heath on Skype and we experimented a bit until I found the perfect setup to get good sound quality on the recording.
By the time we got all the technical issues sorted out, I only had about an hour to prep for the actual interview. I wrote out some questions, tried to predict his answers, did a little online research to fill in my intro and whatnot and before I knew it, it was time to call him.
And, like the loss of my virginity, it was a huge build up and a horrible disappointment. Turns out that we just couldn’t get a good Skype connection. Every time we’d get going, he would cut out or I would cut out and I’d end up with 45 seconds of me trying to get him to hear my question or I’d get half of a really thoughtful response. After half an hour of trying to get it to work and a disastrous attempt to hook my rig up for a phone interview, we decided to call it a night and try again the following day.
The following night comes and I set my whole rig up again. Keep in mind that there’s an easy way to record a Skype call, but you get terrible sound quality. To maximize the quality, I was using two microphones (a condenser mic that Justin would be listening to me on and a dynamic mic that I would be using for the show sound), a mixer and a digital recorder so that my computer didn’t have the added labor of the call. In other words, I’ve got a lot of shit hooked to a lot of other shit to make this all work well.
I said a quick atheist prayer over my computer (“fucking work this time! Amen”) and I called in again.
Luckily, this time everything went smooth. We had a good connection, and though I stumbled a bit through my first few questions, eventually I got my shit together and came off as somewhat-professional-ish. Justin was extraordinarily thoughtful and introspective and despite a few of my rookie mistakes, it was a really phenomenal interview. I was really excited to get such quality content for my first Skype interview. And then I glanced down at my rig and saw the blinking red light on my digital recorder. It’s the “record standby” light.
This is the stupidest mistake I possibly could have made. I remembered to hook the computer through the tape in on the mixer. I remembered to hit the “Add Tape to Main” button. I remembered to adjust the levels on the digital recorder to match the ones on the mixer. I remembered to reset my audio output from the condenser mic so that I could hear Justin. I remembered to shut down all the ancillary programs on my computer. I remembered all my questions, all my follow ups and all of my jokes. I remembered to split the stereo tracks so I’d have separate tracks to record both of our voices. And I forgot to hit the goddamn record button.
I seriously forgot to push fucking record. I couldn’t believe it. We were 9/10ths of the way through a really good interview with really good content and I hadn’t recorded a lick of it. Talk about rookie mistakes. I was so embarrassed at that point that I actually considered not saying a word and then telling Justin a few days later that my computer crashed and I lost the file.
But I couldn’t do that. I had to let him know. If nothing else, I had to salvage what I could from the time we had left. I had to bite the bullet and tell him that just what a stupid mistake I’d made.
“Can I make a terrible admission, here, Justin?”
“Sure…” he answered dubiously.
“I’ve somehow failed to record a big chunk of this. I don’t know if I forgot to reset the timer on this thing or what, but I’ve missed a huge chunk of the interview” I explained. It wasn’t exactly true, but I wasn’t quite ready to admit that I just forgot to hit the fucking record button. I wanted to seem inept, but I didn’t want to seem like an idiot.
“Oh no!” he replied, mirroring my exact feeling.
“I know, we had such great stuff here, too,” I lamented.
“Well, you know what,” he says calmly, “I’ve got a program here that auto-records all my Skype calls so if you want, I can send you the audio.”
You can only imagine my relief. Sure, it wouldn’t be the same audio quality as what I would have gotten if I’d been less stupid, but at least the interview was saved and all the good content wouldn’t be lost. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been kicking myself in the ass all night and all morning as well over it, but in the end it all worked out. Heck, he even did a bunch of the post-production for me before sending along the file.
I’ll be airing this interview on March 28th (Episode 6: The Zombie Jesus Edition) and I’m laying the groundwork now for the subpar audio quality in it. The end he was recording wasn’t really the end I was hoping to use, but despite a few issues with the sound, it’s a phenomenal interview and Justin’s insights will undoubtedly raise the IQ of the show about 25 points or so.
Hopefully I’ve learned this the hard way now and I’ll go all the way through the checklist next time, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this that I can pass on to other novice podcasters (other than “ALWAYS HIT THE FUCKING RECORD BUTTON!”) it’s that if you’re new to the whole interview thing, try to pick an interviewee who’s really good at it.
Categories: Podcast Updates
Hey Look! Something Stupid on HuffPo!
March 12, 2013
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by Noah Lugeons
Most of the labor that goes into putting the podcast together every fortnight is a labor of love. I really enjoy writing, recording and editing the skits. I love composing the music for each episode. I get to hang out with fun, like-minded people for interviews and panel discussions. I get to answer emails and feedback from intelligent and often appreciative listeners. I’ve even started to enjoy the sound-processing and all the related crap.
But I don’t enjoy the research. It’s not that I don’t like reading up on the news articles or investing my time in knowing what’s going on in the world. Hell, one of the reasons I started the podcast was in hopes of forcing myself to keep up with all the atheist news. But there’s a downside to it as well. As I’m checking my usual slate of sources, once in a while I see a headline so insanely stupid that I can’t help but click on it. And then I have to read some babbling neuronal flatulence like:
Dawkins, Dennett and Hitchens, The New Theists?
Now I warn you before you click that crap that it’s some “deep down the rabbit hole” nonsense and even though the piece is short, you almost have to reread it to prove to yourself that it actually means nothing whatsoever. To save you the trouble, I’ll break it down paragraph by paragraph below:
- Paragraphs 1-4: A word-salad attempt to redefine the word “sacred” to mean practically everything (as well as nothing).
- Paragraph 5: The revelation that if you simply ignore the actual definition of sacred you can call anything sacred.
- Paragraph 6: A biblical quote to prove that the author knows how to use quotes.
- Paragraph 7: The conclusion that because sacred can mean anything, atheists are really theists because they’re involved in a sacred mission to rid the world of notions like “sacred”.
It really is that stupid. He says things like:
when someone rejects the notion of God because of the wars that have been fought over that name, as well as the abuse, the fundamentalism and the ecological destruction that is bound to so much religion, they are demonstrating a profound concern for both people and the planet.
And since we established earlier that being concerned about the planet is “sacred”, that means people who viscerally reject god because of all that crap are on a mission from god. The author doesn’t waste any time explaining what it means when someone viscerally rejects god because he doesn’t exist.
As for connecting the body of the work to the title, well, he makes no attempt at that whatsoever. There’s no attempt to connect the lines between “sacred” (which has been clearly defined as meaning what-ever-the-fuck Peter Rollins is talking about in that particular paragraph) somehow automatically equates with “theist”. Probably by using the same “are-you-still-paying-attention” tactic he uses to bleach “sacred” of any precise meaning.
He also clearly employs the old headline trick where you just pose the most ridiculous claim possible and then toss a question mark on the end. As long as you phrase it as a question you’re never wrong.
Categories: General Bitches and Gripes
apologetics, atheism, faith, Huffington Post, religion
Religious Debates on Twitter
March 11, 2013
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by Noah Lugeons
There are two memes that sum up most people’s opinion of a religious argument on Twitter. One is the cartoon where the guy can’t come to bed yet because someone is wrong on the internet. The other one is offensive to the mentally disabled and you already know it anyway.
The basic message is that arguing on the internet is a waste of time. You’re not changing anyone’s mind, you’re not solving any problems and you’re never going to win. But I’d like to challenge that stereotype. I suppose if I wanted I could dig around for some anecdote about somebody being converted through a Twitter debate, but I trust our loyal readers to be too smart to be taken in by an anecdote and besides, I think I can argue for the value of a Twitter debate even if I concede that you’re not changing anyone’s mind, you’re not solving any problems and you’re never going to win.
I justify most religious debate by the audience. The people who watch William Lane Craig debate anyone with enough brain power to keep their saliva inside their head will probably walk away realizing that Craig is a jack-off who talks in circles and hopes his audience doesn’t know the difference between truth and truthiness. But you can’t really invoke that when it comes to Twitter. Sure, there’s an audience, but they’re just as partisan as the participants.
So you can’t win, solve problems, change minds or influence an audience. What does that leave? Well, (here come s the anecdote) you can hone your skills, refine your opinions, learn more about the debate tactics of the apologists, learn the various standard rebuttals, find whole new arguments that you never thought of before and be a counter-apologetic mental-ninja the next time you run into a condescending theist in the real world. I’ve watched my wife do exactly that over the last few days. She’s been locked in a debate with some absurd dingle-berry that is trotting out one tired, easily refuted fallacy after the next. And along the way she’s learning to refute all these stupid arguments in 140 characters or less (minus all the @so-and-so shit).
Think about how handy a skill that is to have in the real world. Once you’ve got it mastered you can shut down any religious assertion in about 5 seconds. And if you never take the time to jump into some of these asinine debates, you may never bother thinking of ways to refute some of the dumber ones.
So all hail the Atheist Twitter Trolls. And next time you hear that Special Olympics line, feel free to send this post to whatever retard said it.
Categories: General Bitches and Gripes
agnostic, atheism, atheist, belief, faith, religious debates, Twitter
The Crappy Music
March 9, 2013
4 comments
by Noah Lugeons
I might just be too sensitive for this line of work. I’d like to think I’m pretty thick-skinned, but that would be contrary to all the evidence I’ve seen so far. I take a lot of pride in the Podcast we produce and I take the feedback personally.
That’s not always the case, of course. I get occasional feedback from true believers and I look upon that with amusement. But when I get feedback from an objective person who takes issues with the technical stuff, I really take it to heart. The upside of that is that if I didn’t, it would be really hard to improve the quality of our show. The downside, of course, is that a bad review in iTunes sends me into a multiple-day binge of hopeless alcoholism, drug use and self-flagellation.
Take, for example, a recent 3 star review we got that summed up their feelings in 7 words:
Get rid of the crappy music please.
That was the extent of the review, so I don’t know if there were additional unspoken issues that cost me stars, but the review seemed a bit harsh. I mean, if it was a music podcast, crappy music would be a pretty serious issue, but for the 15 second clips I use in episode transitions (and the music bed behind the calendar segment), I honestly didn’t think the quality of the music mattered much. I mean, I wasn’t gonna use Rebecca Black or anything, but I certainly didn’t think anyone would ever base 2/5ths of a review on it.
Exacerbating the depression that negative reviews of the podcast naturally give me is the fact that I compose and record all the music for the show myself. I guess ‘compose’ is a bit strong of a word, as what I actually do is improvise 2 or 3 minutes worth of stuff once every two weeks and take a few 15 second clips from it to plug in to the space between poop jokes. So this review was attacking both the podcast and my musical acumen.
To be fair, attacking my musical acumen shouldn’t bother me. I’ll readily admit that I’m an amateur musician without much will to advance beyond that amateur status. I enjoy writing music, but I have no illusions that I’m particularly good at it. I certainly envy the much cooler themes that shows like “Reasonable Doubts” and “Post Rapture Looting have. And don’t even get me started on the king of atheist podcast theme songs, “Won’t You Listen to Reason” from the Atheist Experience (and if that’s not the name of the song, it should be).
But I still dig the notion that I built the show from the ground up, including recording the theme, the music beds and the filler. I’m not married to it as a concept, but I also don’t want to comb the internet for better podsafe music that I’m only going to use 15 second clips of. I would be recording these little improvised jam sessions anyway. So with a high quality file of some original music at the ready, it seems like an unnecessary pain in the ass to add to all the work that goes into creating a podcast.
Of course, the most important thing is the quality of the podcast and I’ll readily cop to the fact that people are usually pretty bad at assessing the product of their own creative efforts. Upon reading the review, I had to open my mind to the possibility that the music is way shittier than I ever imagined and I’m just blinded to it by the same process that makes ones own fart smell rather better than those of others.
Up to that point, this review was the only comment anyone had made about the music specifically, so it weighed on my mind quite heavily until last night. And then someone said they thought the music on the podcast was really cool. That evened the pro and anti-columns up and I’m fine with that. I suppose that I’m also saying that the price of the free entertainment I provide is listening to a collective 84 seconds of crappy music once every two weeks, but I do want to produce the best podcast possible, and if the majority opinion is that I need better music, I’ll get better music.
But until more data can be collected, I’ll invoke confirmation bias and assume that ‘PiggyCop’ on iTunes just has bad taste in crappy music.
Categories: Feedback
atheism, atheist podcast, podcast music
Post Rapture Looting Podcast Interview
March 8, 2013
2 comments
by Noah Lugeons
I think the thing that has amazed me most since we started doing this podcast is how incredibly friendly and welcoming the atheist community has been. I’ve gotten encouraging emails and tweets from prominent atheists that I greatly admire, help from other atheist podcasters from around the globe, audio clips from complete strangers eager to help, listeners going above and beyond to assist with the research and heartwarming messages from complete strangers that urge us on. And that’s after only 4 episodes.
Case in point is an email I got the other day from Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast. It’s a podcast two friends started almost two years ago amid the hubbub of Harold Kamping’s famed doomed-day kerfuffle. It’s a biweekly podcast where they discuss news items of interest to atheists, bring on guests and go on occasional vulgar tirades about the frustrating side-effects of religion. But it’s nothing like our show. It’s a completely different length and everything.
Apparently Carl had happened upon our show on iTunes and liked it. In a friendly effort to help promote our podcast, he invited Heath and I to appear on his show to do an interview about the Scathing Atheist. We were understandably excited for the opportunity but, I have to admit, a little nervous as well. This would be the first time I’ve ever been interviewed, and even though I appear on an atheist podcast quite regularly of late, we script our show pretty extensively so the interview format was something totally new to me.
Luckily, Carl and his co-host Ben are old pros at it by this point and within minutes we were conversing like old friends. It was a lot of fun, we laughed a lot and we managed to sneak a few important topics in amid a morass of really off color jokes about eating babies, penetrating sheep, multiple-penis-fellatio and bear rape. I shit you not, those are all in the interview. And if that doesn’t have you ready to download it, I can’t imagine what would.
No word yet on when the interview will air, but as soon as we have a date, we’ll tweet the shit out of it.
—————————————
Update [3/11]: Spoke with Carl the other day. He told me the interview should be available on Saturday the 16th. Between now and then you can hear Carl and Ben interviewing David Silverman about the American Atheists 50th Anniversary Convention in Austin. That’s available at their feed now.
Categories: Podcast Updates
atheism, atheist podcast, bear rape, Christianity, faith, religion
The Scathing Atheist 