The Scathing Atheist

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Warning: Noah’s been in the bible belt for over a week now so he’s probably gonna cuss even more than usual.

Sponsor:

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And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday

It’s January 9th

And masturbation is just a Dutch Rudder with God: “He’s workin’ it. You’re lovin’ it.”

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from Fuck-Bumming New York, New York,

And Bum-Fucking, Bum-Fuck Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

• A New York city councilwomen takes cock as a slap in the face,
• We’ll make a lot of dick jokes,
• And Evan Bernstein will join us to make ghost hunters look stupider than they already do

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

Much to my surprise, the vast majority of the feedback we’ve gotten since we started this show has been supportive. I honestly went into this thing expecting to spend an hour a day sifting through misspelled condemnations and bizzarely capitalized death threats in my in-box; but even the criticism has largely been complimentary. Sure, early on we had a few people who thought they could talk Heath and I out of poop jokes, but once it became clear that was a lost cause 99% of our email has been some iteration of “Keep up the Good work”.

But when people do offer criticism, it’s usually of the “broad brush” variety; either they accuse us of defining a faith by only the most extreme examples (something along the lines of “yeah, but most Christians never blow up the family dog with an improvised explosive device because it’s possessed by the devil), or they accuse us of defining faith itself by only the most unflattering examples (usually something like “sure, Christians, Mulsims and Jews all floss with donkey pubes, but what about (insert whatever religion this emailer identifies with here)?”).

I dismiss the first variety pretty quickly. I don’t think Heath and I have ever seriously suggested that the characters that make it into our weekly headlines segment are representative of the religious culture as a whole. Sometimes we specifically choose them because they are at the extremes. Sometimes we choose them because they’re such potent ammunition against the “what’s the harm” question. And sometimes we choose them because they provide solid introductions to lists of vulgar puns about transexual brands of dogfood. And let’s face it, if it was representative of the whole, by definition it isn’t newsworthy. Man annoys the shit out of random neighbors with pamphlets just doesn’t rise to the level of lead story.

But the second variety is a little trickier to explain. Because a lot of people, even a lot of atheists, are quick to exempt minority religions from reproach. They offer a “get out of criticism free card” to Wiccans or Sikhs or, most often, Buddhists. And what’s more, they often wear this as a badge of tolerance that they think separates them from extremists like me. They claim that they’re evaluating religions objectively and people like me are hamstringing the atheist movement by ignoring the nuances and succumbing to stereotyping.

The problem here is that almost all of our audience lives in predominantly Christian areas so they see the problems with Christianity every day. And Muslims seem hellbent on making sure everyone on the planet knows about the horrible shit they do in the name of their faith, but Buddhism has that “new-faith” smell and it tricks a lot of atheists into the “Devil you don’t know” fallacy. But if you grew up in a predominantly Buddhist nation, you’d be every bit as familiar with all the problems and abuses of Buddhism.

All the things you hate about Christianity can just as easily rise out of Buddhism and I don’t need to retreat to the hypothetical to justify that. Buddhism is, as I speak, being used to justify sectarian violence, to promote sexism, to rape children. In fact, wherever it is the majority faith, it is abused and bastardized every bit as much as Christianity. A lot of our critics seem almost intentionally unaware of this stuff and instead start quoting the Buddha. Well shit, if all I start quoting Jesus I can make Christianity sound really good, but it’s not about what the religion “says”, it’s about what it does.

This swings both ways of course. If you grew up in Vietnam you’d constantly hear about Buddhist monks raping children or misappropriating funds or espousing bigotry or encouraging violence. But all the Christians you interacted with would be missionaries. They’d be doing volunteer work, unobstrusively offering help and espousing peace and forgiveness. You could be forgiven for thinking, well sure, Buddhism is horrible but Christianity is okay. After all, how could you use the teachings of a peace-loving, communist hippy to justify crusades, homophobia and trickle-down economics?

I submit that the problem isn’t this religion or that religion. It’s religion.

As soon as you allow somebody to speak with an authority that can’t be measured against reality, it will be abused. And sure, the nature of the abuse might differ from one religion to the other, but anything that encourages people to divorce themselves from the observable world is bad. And I really shouldn’t have to say that.

And for all the Buddha apologists out there I think it’s pertinent to bring up an abuse that’s unique to Buddhism. The doctrine of reincarnation sounds good on the surface. In theory, the idea that your moral choices in this life will determine your fortune in a future life should encourage people to do good things… just like the Heaven and Hell concept should ensure that Christians never sin. But the real flaw in the reincarnation concept becomes damn apparent when you stop looking forward and start looking back. After all, if a person is born crippled or blind in a culture that truly believes in reincarnation, they were born that way because they deserved it. And again, this is not a theoretical issue. If you spend enough time researching the treatment of disabled children in majority Buddhist nations you’ll start thinking Irish altar boys have it made.

To my knowledge, there is no example of a religion becoming the dominant faith in a society and not being corrupted. If the majority of Americans converted to Wicca tomorrow within a few years you’d see headlines about covens molesting kids and the Great Horned One hating fags. And to anybody who honestly thinks otherwise, I should remind you how popular the backup quarterback always is until he actually starts playing.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines is ball-breaker Heath Enwright.  Heath, were you ready to make a testicular omelette?

I successfully eye-contact-shamed a Jewish man on the subway when I caught him trying to sneak his yarmulke back on from his pocket.  He felt the chiding wrath of my disapproving head shake.  Breaking Baals!!!

I was thinking billiards, but that’s pretty cool, too.

In our lead story tonight, from the “Penta-Grammy Awards” file (by the way, we should host those), the Becket Foundation for Religious Freedom gave its annual Ebenezer Award … for ‘the most ridiculous affront to Christmas or Hanukkah celebration’ of 2013.  This year’s winner is: the state of Wisconsin, for allowing a poster of “Not-Jesus” in the capitol building.  

Damn it!  I had the guy who wrote “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” in the office pool.  34th year in a row that Randy Brooks got the snub.  Fucking racists.

Christians are complaining, but the “Flying Spaghetti Monster” display in question, could have been placed by genuine believers.  The level of irony isn’t clear, so there’s no real way to be sure it’s even atheist at all.  Flying Spaghetti Monster exists in all the same ways that God exists, and several ways God doesn’t … And you can’t disprove lack of irony – Eat it!  How’s that one taste going back down?!?  Bitter?  Good amount of bile flavor?  

It should.  It is, after all, made up of the bitter irony that we made them eat.

In a statement from the Becket Foundation, they argue that the postal service can honor Martin Luther King with a stamp, without also making a KKK stamp, therefore it follows that public tax dollars can go to useless holiday displays, but only if they’re Christian.  Let’s take a look at the analogy they were dealing with … God is to Flying Spaghetti as Martin Luther King is to (blank) ?

Um… Heath Enwright?

Because of the atheism and the occasional wildly racist comment? … Ok that’s fair.  But they went with “The KKK”!!!  Which was clearly offensive to Jews and blacks … and me!!!  To clarify their reasoning, they added (quote) “And if you cross multiply, we can see that God is to KKK, as Flying Spaghetti is to MLK.  Which means the score is still Q to 12, and Martin Luther is the king of Calvin Ball.” (end quote)        

Christians think atheists are Nazis:
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/31/religious-liberty-group-compares-flying-spaghetti-monster-display-in-wisconsin-state-capitol-to-honoring-the-kkk/

And in “Apparently we’re okay as long as he isn’t fucking children on pay-per-view” news tonight, the Pope continues to enjoy international commendation despite being a bigoted, archaic tit.  Pope Fran-syphilis expressed shock and outrage over a proposed law in Malta that would allow the gays to adopt children.

Is it the state’s responsibility to breed and collect unwanted children for these sterile couples?  Maybe a compromise … Gay couples can rent an orphan for up to one week at a time.  It’s only fair, when you consider the opportunity cost.  You know how many I-Phones an orphan can assemble in a week?!?

Arguing that if god had intended those orphans to have loving parents he wouldn’t have made them orphans, Pope Fractually Challenged pointed out that denying them a loving family doesn’t even make the top ten of the most egregious ways the Vatican fucks kids.

It’s not even a top ten way they figuratively fuck kids.  And for those keeping score at home, “denying orphans a loving family” is the number 13 most egregious way the Vatican figuratively fucks kids.  

Proving once again that the pope is being graded on a pretty lenient curve, he continues to enjoy astronomical approval ratings despite holding views on gays, women and contraception that are damn near primordial.

Pope shocked by the notion of gay people being allowed to raise kids: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/29/pope-francis-gay-adoption_n_4516304.html

And in “Asshole and the Dyke” news, Peter LaBarbera – head of the SHAFT (Subconsciously Homosexual Americans For Truth) – was contractually obligated to issue an awful homophobic statement following the revelation that Good Morning America anchor Robin Roberts is a lesbian.

Yeah, in the midst of his bigoted tirade he said that gayness is “evil” because it (quote) “Corrupts the minds and souls of young children and good Christians only corrupt their assholes.”

OK so here’s the statement from LaBarbera as best I can remember it: (quote) “She’s like a medium-rare steak.  Dark on the outside, with a warm, pink center.  It’s a tragedy.  She already black … and now’s she’s a lesbian too?!?  Double minorities are confusing to me.  Do they get 2 different government checks?  How does it all work?  Also, is anyone surprised?!?  Why else – besides lesbian stuff – would God put cancer in her breasts and bone marrow?!?” (end quote)  

Not to disparage your joke or anything, but why bother making up crazy shit the dude said when he actually said (quote) “Transgender advocacy are people who believe that their biological sex, male or female, doesn’t match what they feel. I’ll tell you what, Satan really works through feelings, doesn’t he?”

Now, I’m not gonna say Satan isn’t directly responsible for the transgendered and the homos and stuff, but consider how far he’s fallen.  There was a time when this dude was engineering the fall of man, and now he’s been reduced to inspiring penis envy and Lady Gaga’s career.

There is a silver lining to the story … Robin Roberts would count for 1 alliteration bonus point in  Lesbian Scattergories … I happen to have a game of Twatter-gories with me right here, in the box.  And as you may have already guessed, it’s a game where you put 30 seconds on the clock and try to name … Let’s look at our card … “Lesbian Food Items” – GO!!!

Pussy!

Seafood Abyss-que

Scissor Salad

Well played … 2 points for the Scissor Salad …  
Lady Fingers already exist … Wrist Deep Dish Pizza

Chicks-In Marsala

Blueberry Muff-to-Muffins

Bananas Jodie Foster

Dill Dough … Bread and Butter Pickles
(Which – I’d like to point out – has a set of double B’s and a set of double D’s)

Um… Diddle Debbie Snatch Cakes

Pussy Juicy Fruit Gum

Don’t forget the whore-e-o Coochies.

Sour Snatch Kids (And you rarely get a bonus point for sour snatch. This is one of those rare occasions.)

While we’re on candy, how ‘bout some Dyke & Ikes?

And of course Twat Tamales … Would those fit in a Lez Dispenser?

I don’t really need to change the name of “Lick-A-Maid” do I?

And from the Lesbian Denny’s Menu … Soft-Balled Eggs, and also Poons Over My-Hami

LaBarbera laments tragic Robin Roberts closet incident: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/labarbera-robin-roberts-coming-out-tragedy

And from the black magic cock file… that we apparently have:

Hey, don’t judge.

After losing her race for New York City Council, Gwen Goodwin filed a 7 figure lawsuit against the winner, Melissa Mark-hyphen-Viverito for her role in the painting of a large rooster mural on the side of Goodwin’s building and for being an awful bitch with a hyphen in her last names.

Well, with apologies to Jake Farr-Wharton I’m with her on the hyphenated name thing, but the rooster mural probably has an innocent explanation. Maybe some dyslexic poultry out there was telling people “Do Doodle a Cock” or something. You never know.

Goodwin believes that big voodoo cocks swing more than just votes. Here’s a statement she issued about the assinine case she just filed (quote) “According to neighbors of Puerto Rican and other backgrounds <<so according to anyone>> in the Caribbean culture, [the rooster image] constituted a curse and a death threat, as a swastika or a noose would symbolize typically to many Jews or African Americans” (end quote). Let me repeat that last bit: “A swastika or a noose would symbolize typically to many Jews or African Americans.”

Wow. Obviously this statement is offensive to Jews, Puerto Ricans, African Americans, Caribbean islanders, chickens and practicioners of Voodoo, but I’d argue that it’s ALSO offensive to racists. The correct answer to “Jew is to Swastika as African-American is to (BLANK)” is clearly “burning cross”, NOT noose, so she didn’t even do her research.

So besides the wildly offensive word choice, this is a white woman playing the holocaust/slavery card on a Puerto Rican woman, for distracting her with cock. And that’s unacceptable, because as I understand it from my Jewish, black and other neighbors, only Jews and blacks get holocaust/slavery cards, and most of them expire in 2016, along with Obama’s presidency and Israel’s lease.

(Link Missing)

And finally tonight, from the penis leanness file, a litigious couple of rapacious parents in Pittsburgh are suing some poor Rabbi just because he chopped off their neonatal son’s dick.  The de-cocking was part of a botched bris and led to eight hours of microsurgery while the penis was reattached.  In a statement released after the surgery, the boy’s father thanked the doctors and asked them, for his son’s sake, to stop calling it “micro”-surgery.

The accidental baby castrater in question, Rabbi and semi-professional child-molester Mordechai Rosenberg argues that the real victim here are his balls, which will be uncomfortably swollen with unused ejaculate until he finds more fresh infant penis blood to imbibe.

Defenders of the mohel point out that even pediatric urologists spend 20 per cent of their time repairing botched circumcisions; a point that they apparently think is somehow exculpatory.  They also point out that if a licensed medical professional aesthetically alters your penis, god doesn’t count it.

Rabbi accidentally cuts off more than the foreskin: http://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2013/12/27/rabbi-sued-after-baby-injured-during-

Poem:

The thing about 2 Kings is that the title’s so misleading.
I thought when two kings bought it, my ass would be done reading.
But a score of kings would follow in this god forsaken list,
A tease that’s quite displeasing and one that left me rather pissed.

What’s more to bore you thoroughly the format stays the same;
A king ascends, and then offends his god and all jews take the blame.
They make poles or sin with pillars or what’s worse, they make high places;
Until Yahweh gets enraged and then he smites their ugly faces.

In both Israel and Judah, this pattern gets repeated,
Until the jews that pissed him off again are thoroughly defeated.
He breaks their necks and then annexes little pieces of their nations
And hands them over to some people that he calls abominations.

What’s worse each curse is worthless since he never makes it clear,
Exactly what he’s pissed about in a way that they can hear.
So this king follows that king and does all the same bad stuff,
And walks on pins and needles until the lord has had enough.

But suggesting that there’s nothing to this book except the kings,
Would be unfair because there’s clearly some more entertaining things.
I’m not ignoring that the warring’s boring, but it almost gets a pass;
Because as innane as this book is, at least the prophets kick some ass.

You hear a lot about these prophets often curing folk’s diseases;
But Elisha might surprise ya, ’cause he’s way better than Jesus.
What, some wine made out of water? A couple loaves of bread?
But can he summon up two she-bears when some kids insult his head?

We see them both cure leprosy and bring dead people back,
But can Jesus flood a pasture when you’re too thirsty to attack?
And sure Jesus walks on water. Big deal? Just get a boat.
I don’t recall the savior making any wayward axe-heads float.

And yes, he cured some blind folks, but a whole army? I think not.
He’s probably in heaven now asking Christ, “That’s all you got?”
But as bad ass as Elisha is, when the chips are down he’s all but useless,
When the king of Babylon decides to render Judah Jewless.

So twelve books in not much has happened, all the promises god made
Are rescinded quite vindictively because they fucked up when they prayed.
And though god attempts to save them with some enigmatic clues;
We end where this thing started, with a bunch of exiled Jews.

Outro:

Before we wring out the towel tonight, I wanted to thank everyone for the bearing with us the last couple of weeks. It’s been a real challenge to put together these last couple of episodes during the move and Heath and I are still working out the kinks of recording from a thousand miles apart. Add to that the sub-optimal internet quality in rural south Georgia and I’m sure there are some noticable knicks and dings on the last few shows. Looks like we’ve essentially got everything ironed out now and things should be back to normal on the next episode.

I also wanted to apologize for the delays in getting the show transcript and shownotes up for last week’s episode. That problem will persist for a few more days but we should have everything up on the website for episodes 46 and 47 by Tuesday of next week. Sorry for any inconvenience or hairloss that this has incurred.

I also wanted to thank everyone for the outpouring of sympathy and support that came from last week’s diatribe. I tried to reply to everyone, but again, rural south Georgia internet access, so I’m sure I wasn’t able to, so to everyone who took the time to wish us well on our move and new careers, thank you sincerely. It really meant a lot and it’s helped both my wife and I through a pretty hectic part of our lives.

I also need to thank Heath even more than usual. He’s really been working overtime the last few weeks to get everything done around my amorphous schedule and without his commendable contributions there’s no way in hell we’d have been able to keep the episodes coming without interuption. I need to thank Lucinda for all of her contributions to the show. I want to thank Jason from the Center for Reason Facebook page, which I’m sure is awesome even though my internet woes have left me unable to verify that before we recorded, for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.

https://www.facebook.com/center4reason

And, of course, a huge thanks to Evan Bernstein for taking the time out to join us this week. His show is the gold-standard in podcast panel discussions and I can’t recommend it enough; so if you’re not already a fan of the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe be sure to check the shownotes for this episode for a link… next week. Or better yet, just search it on iTunes or whatever because you’ve already gone too long without becoming a fan of that show.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank the world’s most momentous mortals, Shelby, Vinnie, Adam, Steven with a V, Geoff, Beth, Stephen with a P, Damian, Richard, Shujin and Tiny Tribble, April, Andre, Sagar, Chester, Dennis, Terry, Ullrich, Carmen, Russell, Steve and ID44.

Shelby, Vinnie and Adam; who are so brilliant that their intellects have albidos; Steven, Geoff and Beth; who are often mistaken for birds and/or planes; Stephen, Damian and Richard, whose intergalactically renowned ninja skills have forced the Hitchhiker’s Guide folks to rethink the “mostly harmless” tag; Shujin and Tiny Tribble, whose multi-generational perfection has inspired evolution to take a few generations off; April, Andre and Sagar, whose selfless charity make Cindy Lou-Who look like a greedy bitch; Chester, Dennis and Terry, who are so awesome that mockingbirds have a taboo about killing them; Ullrich, Carmen, and Russell, who are so hot they have coronal mass ejections; and Steve and ID44, who are so cool they can only be navigated via Taun-Taun.

These twenty-two pre-legendary individuals have proved their valiance, their vigor and their verisimilitude this week by giving us money. Only the best of the best have what it takes to give us money, but if you think you belong in this pantheon of perfection, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And if you’re still recovering from the rampant-consumerism-season but you still want to help us out, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes or telling all your rational friends about the show. And just to be safe, you should probably like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and subscribe to us on YouTube. Also, be sure to check us out on Stitcher because that’s what all the cool kids are doing these days.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.