The Scathing Atheist

by Noah Lugeons

I don’t say it often, but it turns out that those Christians are right.  As an atheist, I’ve had this whole morality thing ass-backwards from the start.  Luckily I’m reading their divinely-inspired ethical guide, though, so I’ll be able to correct my misguided notions.  up until now, I’ve seen “morality” as a communal effort to decrease suffering while increasing happiness, but it turns out that none of that really matters.  From what I’ve gathered in the first book of the bible, the keys to being a good person can be summed up with the following moral edicts:

1. Don’t cover your nakedness.
2. Cover your nakedness.
3. Don’t see your dad’s cock, even if it’s by accident.
4. God loves a deceitful liar.  Just ask Abraham and Jacob.
5. Ass-raping angels = bad.  Offering your daughters to mobs of angry rapists = good.
6. If you meet God, throw down some Brazilian Ju-Jitsu on his ass.
7. God made your penis wrong.
8. When your brothers sell you into slavery and fake your death, you should probably forgive them.
9. God promised earth to the Jews.
10. Traditional marriage = A man, his wives and their maids.

I’m sure there will be moral messages that are every bit as surprising as we go forward, so I’ll try to keep all my godless brothers and sisters up to date.  On second thought, just my godless brothers.  I’m pretty sure I’ll learn later that teaching things to women-folk is immoral, too.