by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.
Warning: The explicit language in this podcast is starting to rub off on the pope.
This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Hindu sex worker industry of South Asia.
For live shows, come on down to The HinDude Ranch. And if you want to get laid in your second life, visit our brother and sister websites; FudgePakistan.com and PunjabPoonJobs.com
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s March 6th,
And Christian Mingle for godless, horny geriatrics should be called RadiocarbonDating dot com
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Black History Forgotten” New York, New York,
And “Black History Still Embraced” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode,
The pedophile ISN’T Catholic … Just kidding. He’s obviously Catholic.
We’ll hit you up for money at the end of the show,
And conception got pushed back again. It used to occur at orgasm, then it was the third pump (if applicable), and now it officially happens retroactively at puberty.
But first, the diatribe…
I picture a group of people sitting around in hell. One says, “Yeah, I shot my wife” and another one says, “I burned down an orphanage” and the third says, “I baked a cake for some queers”.
Luckily, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer forestalled the national embarrassment of SB 1062 with a last minute pang of cognizance. But we were still one crayon-scrawled signature away from a state redacting humanhood for three and a half percent of their population. Or maybe two point two percent… I don’t know if bisexuals cakes are as sinful as gay cakes.
The law, which passed through both state houses and probably would have been signed into law if not for a tsunami of national media attention, would have allowed anyone the right to discriminate against anyone, provided the bigotry was based on (quote) “a sincerely held religious belief.”
We’ve heard that phrase a lot on this show. A lot of laws that try to find a way to legally protect homophobia and misogyny under the auspices of religious freedom and the only thing that makes SB 1062 noteworthy is that it got one step closer than most. There’s a huge national effort to build a big wall of bibles to hide behind when we secularists come to take away their god given right to hate men who love men. And women who love women. And… women.
And I’m gonna give the religious people a little more credit than most. Because I don’t think religion is the source of the bigotry at all. I think these people are just good old fashioned bigots and Jesus makes for a willing scapegoat. Anti-civil rights legislation was largely cloaked in religious liberty, but today the people who have those same religions generally don’t hate the coloreds. It wasn’t that religion was making them racist. They were just racists and religion was providing cover.
And therein lies the problem. As Anne Lamott points out, god hates all the same people you do, so hate can always hide behind religion. In fact, as soon as you invoke the words “religious liberty” you can hide anything back there you damn well please. To you and me, “religious liberty” means the freedom to practice one’s religion, but these theocrats are desperately trying to redefine it; to make it mean “freedom to do whatever the hell I want, regardless of the law, so long as Jesus”.
And of course, since Jesus can’t chime in, religions doctrines can’t be tested against reality and faith can’t be measured, that makes it a legal panacea. Don’t want to serve gays? Religious liberty. Don’t want to rent to an unwed couple? Religious liberty. Don’t think people should have recreational orgasms? Religious liberty.
It’s impossible to miss the smell of bullshit here. If you define religious liberty the way they’re trying to define it, nobody would fight for it. The bible tells me to murder my disobedient children, stone people to death for working on Saturday and sacrifice bulls at the altar. According to the Arizona legislature, that would all be perfectly legal as long as I sincerely believed it.
Not only does this provide the legal justification of shit like SB 1062, but it also provides the psychological justification. If you take away the god nonsense and force somebody to explain their objection to gays or gay marriage or gays eating at restaurants; pretty quickly they have to come face to face with an ugly part of themselves. But as long as you can retreat to Leviticus you don’t have to bother with real morality.
And people act like this is some intractable problem. How can you balance religious freedom and the interests of the secular state? How can we ensure that everyone’s rights are protected? They act like those are hard questions to answer, but if everybody just had to follow the same rules, the problem disappears. Just get rid any law that is contingent on a religious belief and we’re in the clear. If it’s illegal to suck a baby’s cock, it’s just illegal to suck a baby’s cock.
Seriously, is anybody actually arguing that the use of psychedelics is less dangerous if you think they’re carrying you into the spirit realm? Does anyone believe that bigotry is less dangerous if you think it’s divinely sanctioned?
Nobody wants to carry this all the way, of course. Even the rampaging bigots in Arizona draw the line at the United Methodist Church of Methamphetamines, so what they’re asking, nay, demanding the government do, is get in the business of deciding what does and doesn’t count as a religious belief. And I can’t imagine anybody wants that.
Joining me for headlines tonight is the oft-misunderstood Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to help everyone better understand the Scathing Atheist Satire System?
When I say things that sound sexist or racist … that part is satire. My true opinion on this issue is that women and non-white people – as groups – are generally much better people than men and white people.
Yeah, that should free up some time at the complaints department. Appreciate that.
In our lead story tonight, Seventh Day Adventist parents Nkosiyapha and Virginia Kunene admitted to something known as “secular manslaughter”, after causing the death of their five-month-old son by giving him rickets, and then refusing him rickets medicine.
How prehistoric do your views on medicine have to be to get rickets? That’s a fucking old-timey disease. That’s like dying of “the summer complaint” or milk leg.
Exactly. (Milk Leg!!!) … Two important points: Yes it’s really easy to prevent rickets: Don’t be an infant who is a vegan with no vitamin D in your diet. And yes, it’s easy to treat rickets … Vitamin D. It’s also now very easy to prevent polio, amoebic dysentery, and plague. Diseases that killed you on the Oregon Trail, shouldn’t be a threat anymore. If your kid dies of cholera, why were you bathing him in a dirty puddle?!? Or you should have just caulked the wagon. Your fault.
And they’ve made a lot about this vegan diet that the parents were on, but I don’t know why. There are plenty of vegan options for a five month old, provided you don’t also sequester them from medicine and try to stupid the malnutrition away instead.
Here’s a statement from Justice Singh, who apparently had to explain his reasoning when he ruled that when you murder your child because you’re stupid, it has to be at least a little bit illegal: (quote)
Did he just say “fuckin duh?”. I’m betting “fucking duh.”
“The law respects the right of everyone to freedom of thought and belief. However the right to manifest one’s religion is not absolute. It is limited in particular by the rights of others. The state has a particularly important duty to protect the right to life, especially when a young child is concerned.” (end quote)
So besides turning pro-life rhetoric against religion (tastes bitter doesn’t it), the Justice makes an extremely important distinction, that is really the crux of every argument about this. You can think and believe whatever you want, but you can’t manifest those beliefs in ways that threaten the lives of others, especially five-month-old children that are yours!!!
I noticed he also said that the couple’s views on Seventh Day Adventism were (quote) “very extreme and do not reflect the official doctrine of the church” (end quote) as though this absolves the religion from any wrong doing. Sorry, your honor, but anybody who pretended god existed or prayer did stuff has at least a little of this kid’s blood on their hands.
That’s right. A little bit of small pox infested infant blood on your hands. Can’t feel as good as you thought it would. Because you build it up as this great thing in your head. Inevitable letdown.
Parents jailed after trying to pray away baby’s fatal disease: http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2014/feb/28/parents-jailed-manslaughter-baby-rickets
And in “I’d Never Have Molested Them if You Aborted Them” news tonight, the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis is blaming a mother for allowing her children to be molested by one of their priests.
Well, he was a priest…
Reverend Curtis Wehmeyer, who I’ll grant couldn’t look more like a kiddie-diddler without a Pee-Wee Herman suit, molested two of her sons, age 12 and 14 and, upon discovering that the archdiocese knew he was a sexual predator before they hired him, she sued. And apparently they’re going with the “what kind of responsible parent would leave her kids with a Catholic priest?” defense.
Corollary to the “What kind of God would allow 12 and 14-year-old kids to be raped, without letting their mother win a large settlement which correctly puts a dollar value on the consent virginity and regular virginity of a child” … defense.
The mother was an employee of the church and felt that Wehmeyer (quote) “needed some friends” (end quote). So that nobody could mistake them for just half-assed evil, the archdiocese refused to let her use sick days or vacation days to care for her kids after this all came to light. What’s more, they reneged on a promise to pay for the kid’s therapy and they cut her hours back. And then they went to her house and ripped her kitten to pieces in front of her and pissed on her rug.
Minnesota diocese blames mom for letting her kids get molested by their priest: http://www.alternet.org/belief/outrageous-church-blames-mother-pedophile-priest-molesting-her-two-sons
And in “Praising the Steaks” news, the Kentucky Baptist Convention is promoting what they call “Second Amendment Celebrations”, encouraging churches to give away dead cow slices and deadly firearms to local heathens, if they’re willing to open a trial account with God. And despite nearly everyone in these flyover areas already owning livestock and murder weapons, the soul bribery seems to be working.
What’s funny is that in a way this reminds me of the story we covered a couple weeks ago about the racist “black history month” lunch menu. Because “Steak and guns” is probably the white trash equivalent of offering black people watermelon and cornbread. Except in this case the race being stereotyped is too stupid to realize it.
Their plan – reportedly labeled “outreach to rednecks” by a spokesman – sounds a lot like animated wabbit hunting … Luring godless Tea Partyers under a box, floating them by their nose with the cartoon smell of animal blood and gun oil, and then knocking the stick out that holds the box up.
Ooh… piece of candy.
Also, I’d like to preserve any extra half-minute segments we might have, so I’ll just quickly add, that a redneck meat retailer slash arms dealer should be called “Pistol Peter Luger”, “Beefed-Up Security”, or “Wal-Mart”.
Glad this is working, because plan B was the Duck Dynasty sex tape giveaway. And if you thought their facial hair was nasty…
And in “Bowing toward Megatron” news, an Iranian school teacher has developed the perfect Muslim; an unthinking automaton that does nothing useful and prays five times a day. Akbar Rezaie, who teaches mythology and doesn’t realize it at an elementary school in the Iranian town of Varamin has recently unveiled a small humanoid robot that he created to help teach children how to properly appease Muslim God.
If you follow the Koran and get to the Allah-Spark, you get 72 unused Sybian machines. Brand spankin’ new.
Rezaie hopes his robot will help make prostrating oneself before an invisible warlock “cool” again. Some people have criticized him for using cutting edge science to promote the opposite of science, but those allegations clearly overlook what a low-tech piece of shit his little robot really is.
What’s the robot’s name? … HALal 9000??? …
Also, I’d like to quickly note that the evil computer from “2001: A Space Odyssey” has the same name as Halliburton’s ticker symbol.
I’ll alert Alex Jones immediately.
Iranian teacher makes Prayer-bot: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/iranian-school-teacher-builds-robot-to-teach-children-prayers-9154038.html
And in “Catholic GeStopHo” news, an anti-prostitution operation in Phoenix, Arizona called Project ROSE is detaining suspected sex workers at a local church, and forcing them to choose between religious propaganda class and jail. And that’s a tough call, considering it’s risky to drop the soap at either venue.
Tough call… I don’t want Jesus inside me, but I don’t want Jesús inside me, either.
The orgasm specialists who wish to avoid prison must complete a 36-hour Jesus sexuality class, which teaches great ideas like prostitutes not using condoms.
(Or getting abortions)
In order to pass the program – which has a reported 30% graduation rate – the accused must also display sufficient amounts of sadness and shame. All sounds awful and stupid, but there is some good news … The First Amendment says the police have to wrangle whore-interns for atheist clubs too.
Now you tell me.
As long as we’ve got a bunch of sex workers forced into cages at church … The stage is set … And also, in honor of the Oscars last weekend … 30 seconds on the clock: “Religious Porn Parodies of Best Picture Nominees” … GO!!!
Okay, but first I want to thank god for giving me an award I don’t deserve rather than curing the disease the movie was about in the first place. And of course, the movie I’m referring to is The Phallus Buyers Club.
Good movie to watch with a cocktail …
What about: 12 Years Old A Slave
Topical. How about Little Mister Sunshine?
Kneeling in the Confessional Booth: Tales From The Squirt Locker
Diddler on the Roof… On the Roofies?
In the Shame of the Father
Semen on the Brokeback Mount
The Maltese Fuckin’
The, uh, stuff that wet dreams are made of …
Lord of the Cock Rings Third Leg: The Second Coming of the King
Father Cassidy and the Un-pantsed Kid
The Father’s the Butch, and the kid’s the bitch …
50 Shekels of Silver Linings Playbook
Starring Jennifer Lawrence of the Labia?
Good climax, but it’s missing something … Might be “Consent of a Woman”
A Vicar Named Desire?
This doesn’t really count, but you’re gonna want some Schindler’s Listerine on set.
The Pleasure of the Sierra Padre
Working on a double, for the bonus points in Splatter-gories …
The Fugitive Priest: Around the World in 80 Gays
Million Dollar Baby-Fucking Settlement
Finding Neverland Ranch: The Kids Are All Tight
I think I already used “Priests of the Southern Child” for something, didn’t I?
You can reuse them. Okay one more try at the double bonus …
Vishnu’s Avat-Argo Fuck Yourself??? … I’ll show myself out.
Sex workers can have church or jail: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/28/project-rose-offers-sex-workers-a-choice-church-or-prison/
That’s alright, the band was playing us off anyway. So I guess that’ll do it for headlines this week, Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back Lucinda will be here to give you a double dose of biblical boredom.
Hilarious email that I got this week that I absolutely had to share. If this is legit, and it honestly looks like it is, it’s from Ray Comfort. Apparently he’s aware of some aspects of our show and not others and he sent me this really complimentary message about how important it is for atheists to read the bible and how he’s sure Jesus will reveal himself to me along the way.
In fact, I guess he was so impressed by our commitment to get a broader perspective on the bible, he wanted to do, you know, whatever the theistic equivalent would be. Try something out that he dislikes and disagrees with in order to widen his perspective on it. So I guess him and Ken Ham got together and tried out gay sex.
And, as luck would have it, they were nice enough to send me audio of that erotic encounter.
I’m Ken Ham
Hi, I’m Ray Comfort
Well good evening.
When I arrived you had a hotel for me and a fruit basket
Oh he’s tall and muscley
Say that again?
He’s tall and he’s handsome and he’s the star. I’d really like to go out with him.
Why do we wear clothes?
Well we all do that
See unless they’re taken off…
Can I just stop you there?
Don’t be intimidated.
There’s nothing I have to look at and say I’m embarrassed.
When it’s okay, whip it out.
That’s a pretty big number, isn’t it?
How can you look at this beautiful creation and not give praise?
Notice how gracefully it sits over the human hand
A perfect creation
There’s a point at the top for easy entry and it’s just the right shape for the human mouth.
We weren’t told we could eat meat.
It’s even curved toward the face to make the process easier.
Yet another poke in the eye.
The contents don’t squirt in your face
But you don’t know and there’s a lot of evidence that that’s not so.
Okay it’s my turn
Check it out
There’s nothing I have to look at…
You don’t see that?
No I don’t.
I’m sort of little
Your dick. It’s this magic wand of nothing.
It’s not the outside that matters, it’s the inside.
Sir, this is a very important issue.
Now I want you to look at my point.
Well I said it was pathetic when I started
And what I want to show you is how this works.
Could you explain it to me?
This is where it comes from, right here.
That’s common sense.
Even if you’ve got a dead stick.
But you’re… you’re sprung.
There’s a book out there… With this diagram… They’re sitting one on top of the other
To make it gay
Tell me why
You’ll learn the lesson the hard way
If you could put your finger on…
No no no no no
Here’s a fork, stick it in there
But there’s limits.
Anything that fits.
No. We’re gonna look at dogs to help us understand this
I’ve gotta get to the bottom of this.
You know there was plenty of room.
Okay here it is
And it’s a little difficult
It’s easy if you try
(Oh’s, Gods and Lords)
This is so radical it’ll blow your mind
Of course it is
Sir I can’t go on, my brain is full
You have to let me finish
Would you come?
You’re an animal.
Put another notch in my belt.
Why haven’t we already done this?
Originally, the books of Ezra and Nehemiah were a single book and remain intact in the Hebrew Bible, which is odd, because the Hebrews aren’t really known for leaving things intact. Anyway, since they’re both short and they more or less tell a linear story, we elected to double up this week and give you twice the Babble.
Anything that gets us through it quicker. So in honor of Noah turning thirty-mumble, we decided to party hard with our Hebrew Lit Book Club. So happy birthday Noah!!!
And joining us, of course, in this masochistic endeavor is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.
We always meet under the worst circumstances, the three of us..
Alright, so when we last left our intrepid heroes, they were scraping their way out of exile in Babylon.
Thanks to the good King Cyrus. He sends word to all the Jews that they can go back to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple, and he even gives back all the vessels of the house of the lord that Nebuchadnezzar stole
And apparently as they were reinhabiting the promised land they went through an amusement park turnstile and somebody checked IDs or something because in chapter two we get a precise headcount.
You approach the turnstiles leading into the ancient Jerusalem circus, and you know that when you get there, you have to give the man 2 shekels or he won’t let you in. But when you get there, everything goes wrong …
“Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine.”
First things first, they celebrate Sukkot and then get to work rebuilding their temple.
The Sukkot tents doubled as a circus venue.
But the man always be holdin’ ‘em down. They start trying to build their temple but then the kids from the “cool” fraternity show up and start making trouble for them, so they have to stop.
“So you guys remember that Jewish tribe we enslaved, that we definitely can’t trust because we enslaved them after centuries of genocidal warfare? … Well Cyrus let them start building a giant God Castle again. Could be real God. Our prayers don’t do shit. Is this something we need to worry about?”
And you can tell that the bronze age FCC was getting on their ass about all the wars and genocides in season one, because when shit hits the fan in Ezra we get a vigorous letter-writing campaign.
I was hoping they would address the paperwork situation. Because building a temple, to an exotic God, without a permit, with- …
Within the Jerusalem city limits. That ain’t legal either.
I thought this was Trans-Euphrates?!? Are we not in Trans-Euphrates?!?
Eventually the Jews find all the necessary receipts and what-not and get permission to finish their temple, which they do.
And that’s great unless, of course, you’re a local bull, ram, lamb or goat, in which case you’ll be brutally slaughtered to appease Jew-God’s bloodlust.
And now that we’re two thirds of the way through the book we meet the titular Ezra, who know his Mosaic law like nobody’s business. And on the merit of this, King Artaxerxes gives him all of Jerusalem.
And then all of a sudden we’re in the first person, which is odd.
Taking over as objective narrator in God’s book … The balls on this guy!!!
So Ezra gathers a sufficient number of Jews, divvies up the cash, fast for a while and then head to the newly rebuilt temple.
Then he makes it very clear to everyone that the reason god exiled them was obvious: They weren’t being racist enough. So he make sure everyone knows to be extra racist this time around.
He even says that they can’t see to the “peace and prosperity” of the neighboring tribes so you’re not even allowed to be just passively racist.
The Middle East is like the crazy kid in school getting tricked into fighting the even crazier other kid. It’s a fun TV show for atheists … “Deluded Giant Squid vs. Equally Naive But Tribally Different Mega Shark”
So to keep Jew god from getting pissy again, Ezra orders anyone who married a foreigner to send away their wives and children…
And there’s even a detailed miscegeny list, with all the people who cheated and gave their kids illegal performance enhancers like dominant DNA.
So obviously Ezra just blew the right scribe to get his own book in the bible. The same is almost certainly true of Nehemiah, whose claim to fame was building a wall where once there was only most of a wall.
1. Right. First we meet Nehemiah, who spends chapter one shitting all over Ezra, basically. They rebuilt the temple, so he decides to lament the fact that they didn’t also do the wall.
2. So Nehemiah is all bummed. Meanwhile he’s landed this awesome gig “bearing the king’s cup” if you know what I mean.
So King Artaxerxes asks what he’s so bummed about, he tells him and the king’s like “Oh, here’s some lumber and stone. Have at it.”
Then he inspects the wall, including the unfortunately named “Dung Gate”
Talk about using the rear entrance
And then you get some blatant evidence planting. They’re working on the rebuild, and three rival officias – a Horonite, an Ammonite, and an Arab - might as well walk into a Jewish bar, and ask Nehemiah if his crew is gonna rebel against the king. So Nehemiah – as if wearing a wire – says: “Hello three people that represent the historical property rights of your entire future race, who agree that you have no claim, share, or historic right to Jerusalem whatsoever say-nothing-if-you-agree-forever-Done. Why do you guys care?!? “
3. And everybody goes out “Hands across Jerusalem” style and they all fix a little section of the wall.
6. And Sanballat, the mean-girl from a cheerleading movie of biblical villains, starts writing letters to Nehemiah telling him he’s gonna spread rumors about him and blow his boyfriend if he doesn’t stop building his wall.
7. And in case you missed the exhaustive list of which tribes all the returning exiles were from, we get it again in chapter seven.
If you want the book to be longer, just increase the margins, or the font size. Or add some chapters about morality. Or being reasonable. Or a “how-to” guide on reading allegories. Plenty of options.
8. Then they all get together to love god and live in booths.
9. And to be honest, I’m half convinced that if you started reading the bible at chapter nine of Nehemiah, you wouldn’t have missed much. Because Ezra spends this extremely long chapter going on and on about how awesome god is by rehashing most of the shit that’s happened so far in the book.
10. Then he drives home the two main points of the last six or seven books: One, god needs you to kill a lot of goats for him, and two, don’t forget to be racist. Whatever you do, don’t interbreed with any of those foreigners.
Yeah, let’s keep all these recessive genes to ourselves.
Withholding the blind, translucent, polydactyl piano prodigy. Smart.
“Stay Pale on three! One, two, three: STAY PALE!!! Jew-Ra!!!”
11. And lest you think we’re shitting you about how boring this book is, they spend chapter eleven telling which people moved to which towns as they repopulated.
“What?!? I’m making a detailed list of all the Jewish people, and their addresses … How would this backfire?!?”
12. And in a valiant effort to make chapter eleven seem interesting, they spend most of chapter twelve explaining who stood where during the ribbon cutting on their new wall.
13. Nehemiah then makes the mistake of turning his back for a second and within a few days priests are setting up rooms for their old frat buddies in the temple, they’re working on the Sabbath, they’re marrying foreigners.
Yeah, so he beats them and pulls out their hair.
Literally – Handfuls of soul-less ginger clumps.
Heck of a guy that Nehemiah.
So yeah, in summary the Jews are back and they have a temple and a wall again.
That’s all they really needed to say.
Esther’s up next and that’s another short one but it’s gonna get it’s own segment in episode 58 because something tells me we’re gonna want to spend a whole episode on Job. Anyway, thanks for bearing with it, guy and gal.
Before we get played off tonight, I wanted to let everyone know about something I’m rather stoked about. At the behest of a number of listeners I spent the last few weeks compiling the first fifty diatribes into book form. Many of them have been rewritten or lengthened, and I’ve added a few paragraphs of introduction to each one so you can think of it as the director’s cut of the diatribes. More than a third of the book is all new material and that should be available as an ebook on the twentieth of March. We hope to have physical copies available by ReasonCon at the beginning of May. We’ll be talking that up a bunch over the next couple of weeks.
And if you were hoping for a poem tonight, sorry about that. It’ll be on next week’s show. Part of that was to make room for the scandalous Ham/Comfort sex tape, but after some discussion with Heath and Lucinda we’re all of the mind that it generally makes more sense to do the bible poems after we’ve reviewed the books in question rather than before.
That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more. Between now and then I have to thank Heath for his continued commitment to excellence in excrement jokes; I need to thank Lucinda for all that she brings to the show and I need to thank David for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and for his incredible generosity. Here’s hoping he sparked a bidding war to claim the title of our most generous donor ever.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans; Paul, Rebekah, Michael, Crystal, Andrew, Shane and Joel. Paul, whose mighty fists serve as the primary backup system for the Large Hadron Collider; Rebekah, who’s such a badass she has to let alligators tag-team when she wrestles them; Michael, whose dick is so big it has Lagrangian points; Crystal, whose intellect is so vast it could hold two of every unclean animal and seven of every clean one; Andrew who’s too sexy to play Jesus; Shane, whose biceps are powerful enough to run the flux capacitor; and Joel, who’s so hot Stacy’s mom sings songs about him.
These bright, shining examples of altruism have earned their spot in my anti-Putin bunker this week by giving us money. Only the smartest, strongest, sexiest secularists have what it takes to give us money, but if you feel like you’ve got all the requisite silibants, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And, of course, if you love the show but you spent your entertainment budget on Romanian vampire porn, you can also help us out a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or whatever place you prefer to leave glowing podcast reviews. And if you just can’t get enough of us, be sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube and check out our erratically published blog.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons
Warning: This podcast contains at-symbols, ampersands, pound signs and exclamation points.
This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Christian flavored brand of lion food; Kibble and Twits. Every bag is fortified with 9 denominations and minerals.
Kibbles and Twits: Because Christians are gonna act like they’re being persecuted one way or the other.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s February 27th
And Dunkin’ Donuts has a new donut filled with cookie dough. My stomach cancer just got diabetus.
Im Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Ray Felton can point and shoot” New York, New York
And “Anyone can point and shoot” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist
On this week’s episode:
Drive-by baptists hold super soakers sideways gangster style.
Malaysia does something dumb even for a country that arrests coconuts,
And gay people will go to hell.
But first, the diatribe.
If you were ever curious what Heath, Lucinda and I look like, we can now offer you an answer to that question. We appeared on the vlogcast “Holy Crap!” with friend of the show Shujin Tribble last week, and the episode is archived on You Tube and you can find a link to it, of course, on the shownotes for this episode. I should warn you, though, that according to the feedback we’ve gotten so far, we’re younger, older, thinner, fatter, better and worse looking than you think we are.
But the reason I bring it up is that one of the questions that came up deserved a little more reflection than I could offer on the show. Shujin was hosting a panel discussion and he posed us all a common question amongst atheists: What evidence would it take to convince you that there was a god?
I’ve heard all manner of answers to this question in the past. Usually atheists offer some universally (or near universally) observable phenomenon; something that can be scientifically tested; something that would be unambiguous. And when we offer this, we’re falling into the theists trap. I remember listening to friend of the show and master-debater Justin Schieber answering this question by challenging god to write something in the sky by realigning stars.
This seems a reasonable request of an omnipotent being, but it elicited a laugh from the audience. To the religious onlookers, it seemed like he was asking for a ridiculously high standard of evidence, even if they believed that what he was asking for was well within the purview of their god.
One of my favorite answers, and I’ll apologize in advance to whoever originated it, as I can’t recall where I first heard it, is that it’s a pointless question. I might not know what evidence it would take to convince me that there is an all-powerful god, but by definition, god would. He would obviously be capable of revealing his existence in a way that would convince me, even if no ready example of such an act comes to mind.
Normally I’d have gone with an answer similar to this, but I’d been mulling something over all day that I’d heard on the Thinking Atheist. Seth Andrews, who has one of the best atheist podcasts on the interwebs, by the way, was doing an episode about “divine protection”. He started by talking about that nincompoop snake-handler Heath and I discussed last week, and then went on to catalogue all manner of maladies that had befallen priests and preachers in churches; often during service.
He was pointing out, of course, that god was failing in his charge to protect the faithful. Why wouldn’t god tell the snake handler “not tonight, bro”, or turn the poison into hemoglobin or something? Why would a tornado hit a church full of devout worshippers and miss the crack house down the street?
I was thinking about all that while the other panelists offered the typical answers. All good answers, mind you; things like running a chemical process in reverse; stopping all aircraft in flight at the same time; speaking to everyone in a language that they could all understand.
But when it came to my turn, I lowered the bar of evidence. Instead of looking for what it would take to make a believer out of me, I looked at what it would take to move me into the “maybe” category. What would it take to give me pause. And when you look at the question like that, god’s job gets pretty damn easy.
So god, if you want me to stop doing this show, here’s all it would take: Show me evidence that churches are less likely to be hit by lightening. Just show me unambiguous, verifiable data that shows that a place of worship is statistically less likely to get hit by lightening. Or earthquakes. Or hurricanes. Show me evidence that devout people are less likely to get cancer than heathens. Show me that people who are prayed for recover quicker than people who aren’t. Show me just one tiny shred of statistically significant evidence that there’s a reason to even ask the question, “Is there a god?”
Look, I’m asking for almost nothing here. Eternal life is something I’d be thrilled to be wrong about. But even when you lower the bar of evidence all the way to the floor, god can’t slither over it.
Ooh… slither over it, he says… that son of a bitch. I hate that podcast so much!!
Don’t be so filled with hate, dad. You’ve gotta learn to let go. And I told you that adding free will in the beta version was gonna be trouble.
Shut up, Jesus! Man, if I had some brimstone, I’d splatter that little twerp.
I told you not to use so much on the dinosaurs.
They were eating meat on Fridays! I’d already shortened their arms to keep ‘em from beating off and they were still sinning!
I’m just saying you shouldn’t get yourself so worked up.
Jesus, I’ll crucify you again if you don’t back off.
Well it you’re so pissed about it, why don’t you just provide some evidence? You know, divinely cure cancer or something? Or any other single, tangible thing.
Oh yeah, Jesus… really mysterious. You’d make a terrible god.
(under his breath)…you make a terrible god.
What was that?!?
Pretty sure you heard me.
I’ll beat you like a red-handed stepchild!
You’re not my real dad!!!
It’s complicated. I’m God. And you’re my son. And you’re also God. And then there’s this holy ghost. And then there’s that guy Joseph I cuckolded. But as long as you live in my universe, you live under my rules…
Joining me for headlines tonight is armchair intactivist Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to fight for the Jewish baby dicks?
Hey, circumcise matters.
In our lead story tonight, Denmark has passed a law banning the barbaric practice of Kosher and Halal slaughter in favor of the nominally less barbaric practice of knocking their brains around with that thing Javier Bardem had in No Country for Old Men. The move has been applauded by animal rights minimalists all over the world, though vegans are still being kind of douchey about it.
And in Vonnegutian headline format: “On the scale of animal cruelty, a Kosher-One is a Slaughterhouse-Five.” … And yes, vegans are correct in pointing out that almost every meat supply chain is completely disgusting … But that sickly, feeble voice ruins everything they say. Vegan Babies – Breakfast of Champions!!!
Kosher practices stipulate that an animal can’t be stunned before slaughter, must be killed with a single slit to the throat and must bleed to death afterwards. According to primary sources, failing to meet with these strict dietary requirements can lead to being smited by brimstone, stricken with leprosy or condemned to wander in deserts for decades at a time.
How does a Jewish person even know that they’re getting legit Kosher stuff? What if the cow has a coronary while it’s waiting on line? Does the steakhouse give you an autopsy report?!?
Critics of the ban call it anti-semitic because you might as well play the cards you’re holding, but supporters point out that Denmark’s new law forbids the Kosher slaughter of Jewish cows and chickens as well. Muslims, of course, are also getting all stupid about this because Allah copied his homework off of Jew-God.
Denmark bans Kosher and Halal animal torture: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2014/2/19/halal-kosher-slaughter-banned-in-denmark-as-minister-insists-animal-rights-come-before-religion
Who copied it off that Asian kid … And in “Charlatan North Carolina” news, Pastor Steven Furtick – of Elevation Church in Charlotte, North Carolina – has written up a playbook for tricking large groups into getting baptised. Wanting to up his scientific street cred, he borrows his techniques largely from Las Vegas stage hypnotists. God is a numbers game for multi-national mega-church conglomerates like this one, so they keep track of these baptism stats like serial rapists keep notches on a headboard.
You told me that your cat did that…
I don’t have a cat- I mean I sometimes catsit for people- It doesn’t matter. Moving on. Among other disingenuous strategies, Furtick suggests that the church set up plants in the audience, to help start the momentum of consent to the pier pressure. And to falsely inflate the apparent pious stupidity of younger generations, he suggests that the youngest plants run to the front of the “disgusting public bath line”, when the pastor announces the Mass Baptism Ambush. This is also logistically better – he notes – because old people take forever to get changed into their water rape attire, which will tend to hold up the line.
Why not a secret trap door like Sweeney Todd or Jabba the Hutt? Or just have a pool party and when nobody’s looking you can bless the shallow end and dump in some of that fecal-matter infested holy water they love so much.
Considering how much they love to brainwash young people, I’m surprised they didn’t go with more of a Nickelodeon theme. You ask everyone at the service a simple trivia question about Jesus, to which every baptised Christian would know the answer. And then anyone in the audience who said “I don’t know” would have green slime (made with holy water) dropped on their head from above their pew.
I am automatically friends with anybody who gets that joke.
And in other North Carolina licking monkey spunk news tonight, Kalei Wilson, a 15 year old high school student in Canton, North Carolina, has been forced to abandon plans to start a secular student’s club after receiving death threats from all those “other cheek” turners we hear so much about.
Death threats?!? Except for church, every club is a secular club.
Good point, but that didn’t stop the school from blocking her attempt to start the club on account o’ Jesus wouldn’t approve, but Wilson fought back with the help of the Secular Student Alliance, the Freedom From Religion Foundation and the ACLU. Eventually the school realized they couldn’t win this legally so the Christians went with what they know; bullying.
They could have burned her at the stake. The womens’ movement has taken small steps in this area.
In the latest chapter of this saga, the following message appeared on the group’s fundraising page yesterday: (quote) “It saddens us to report that due to the numerous threats and verbal attacks on Kalei along with the vindictive witch-hunt to hurt the reputations of affiliated groups and our family, Kalei will not be continuing with the group.”
So congratulations, Christianity. You’ve bullied a teenage girl into abandoning something she fought tooth and nail for and has a legal right to. Because, like Jesus said, “What you do to the least of my children is all good if it keeps some atheists from doing a bake-sale for the Foundation Beyond Belief”
What do these people think kids would do at a secular club?!?
Well our Canton, North Carolina, listeners should be on the look out for a great deal on a cancelled baby buffet.
15 Year old receives death threats and cancels planned Humanist club: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/26/after-long-battle-to-form-high-school-atheist-group-student-bows-out-after-numerous-threats-and-verbal-attacks/
And in “How Many Lepers Do I Have to Hug to Counteract This?” news tonight, MedStar Washington Hospital Center’s Catholic Chaplain Brian Coelho is a callous bastard with a heart of lumpy pigeon shit. According to heart attack patient Ronald Plishka, the Reverend refused him last rites upon learning that Plishka was gay.
Sorry but I have ZERO sympathy here. If you believe in the teachings of Christianity, and you’re gay, then you already know that you’re going to hell. So the deathbed slam poetry from the bigoted Reverend shouldn’t really matter to you, should it?!?
The lumpy pigeon shit hearted bastard has refused opportunities to respond to these allegations, though the hospital has made it clear that if they prove true it would mean that Coelho is an asshole.
Okay, but I do see where the asshole’s coming from. The gay guy’s about to die, and he’s trying to make some bullshit last-second promise to stop being gay for the next 10 living minutes. If I’m the chaplain there, I’d be pissed about the loophole. Maybe blow the guy at the last second before he dies for spite.
Well as much as I’d love to join you in the sympathy boycott, there was a particular quote that tugged at my heartstrings. Apparently Plishka got pissed off right afterwards and cussed at the priest on his way out the door. Upon reflecting on this and the fact that he didn’t receive his cracker or whatever, he told reporters that (quote) “I’m thinking I’m going to rot in hell now [...] I’m not perfect, believe me. And I wouldn’t wish [being gay] on anyone.” (end quote). So it wasn’t enough for this religion to ruin this dude’s life with their bigotry… they’re also hell bent on ruining his death.
Catholic Priest denies last rites to a gay dude: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/gay-patient-says-catholic-chaplain-refused-him-last-rites/2014/02/19/35d163f6-99b1-11e3-80ac-63a8ba7f7942_story.html
And from the “Nobody Cares About Malaysia Comma However” file: Newspaper printers in Malaysia averted disaster by censoring several images of entire naked pigs, that almost went to press in an International New York Times article. Instead, the otherwise riot-inciting pig pics appeared with their faces blacked out. Despite hearing the black face thing totally out of context, Al Sharpton, Nat X, and Jesse Jackson have already made angry, public, rhyming responses.
Nat X, huh? The man so black fireflies follow him around in the day time? Awesome. I love that it was the pigs faces they blacked out. Were they looking particularly “come hither”? Were they concealing the pig’s identities in case of retaliation? I mean look, if they were censoring their pig-tits and pork swords that would still be fucking hilarious, but the eyes!?
There are rumors suggesting this may be a spiteful response by the Malaysian Muslims, to a recent incident in which a respected jihadist was denied entrance into a particular house of bricks, that even his explosives couldn’t blow down. Reports suggest the inhabitant even made a derogatory remark, about the ridiculous pubic-like bush of hair on his (quote) “chinny chin chin” area.
Yeah, but I hear that dude’s under suspicion as well. In Malaysia it’s illegal to huff, puff and blow, so…
Crafty swine … Here’s a statement from the printing company: (quote) “This is a Muslim country so we covered the pigs’ eyes. We usually do that for the International New York Times – also for pictures of cigarettes, weapons, guns and nude pictures.” (end quote) … Censorship is stupid in general, but how did they come up with that list of exactly 4 things?!? … Can everyone fill in the bubble under the one that doesn’t belong? Cigarettes, weapons, porn, Charlotte’s Web.
Weapons, cigarettes, and porn, eh? Like I said, huff, puff and blow.
Malaysian Printer puts black censor bars over pig’s faces. And yes, really: http://www.theguardian.com/media/greenslade/2014/jan/23/censorship-malaysia
And in “Rock out with your flock out” news tonight, we bring you the story of Allen Parker, a Virginia pastor who prefers to praise Jesus with his metronome swinging. Parker has invited his congregants to worship with him each Sunday in the nude, citing biblical justifications like the story of Adam and Eve and, I shit you not, the fact that Jesus was born naked.
But Jesus was born an atheist, so …
Guess he didn’t think of that. Parker, whose body is less of a temple and more of a stupa, explains that in his church (quote) “there’s not a feeling that you have to be better than one another, physically” (end quote), a point that he drives home by being as physically imperfect as one can be and still be ambulatory.
When they go to Waffle House after church, these must be the only Christians with a tip for the waitress.
And since they laid down the gauntlet when they named their church full of naked, pasty caucasians the “White Tail Chapel”, I say we up the ante. So 30 seconds on the clock, “Alternate Names for the Nudist Church”. Go!
The Assless Chapel
Nice. How about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Taints?
Home of the all-nude Mormon Flabernacle Choir
Motor Boat-re Dame
Well played – I was thinking … Scrotre Dame Cathedral: Let Your Buttresses Fly
Missionary Position Baptist
The Testi-Clesiastical Church: Baal’s Sack Religious
Baby Got Saddleback
Follow the fold … What about … Young Girth Creationists: Hung Wide Like Jesus
Saint Catheter’s Cathedral
Well, St. Peter’s works already, but I’m gonna go with St. Peter’s Ba-silicone Implants.
And finally tonight, in “Zoro-Astronaut” news, a fatwa committee in the United Arab Emirates has proclaimed it immoral and therefore illegal to travel to Mars. Because of all the immoral acts committed by Muslims, their ambitious, meteoric rise in the space travel community is clearly the most troubling.
In defense of the Islamic Space program, they’ve been trying to get bits and pieces of their followers into orbit for years.
According to Khaleej Times, the committee released the following statement: (quote) “Such a one-way journey poses a real risk to life, and that can never be justified in Islam. There is a possibility that an individual who travels to planet Mars may not be able to remain alive there, and is more vulnerable to death.” But the same could be said of New York City, for a Muslim immigrant, so …
No, the NYPD keeps a close eye on them… makes sure they’re safe.
I think the legislation needs some clarification. Will a Muslim wishing to kill himself on Mars still be required to purchase a round-trip ticket? Can he perform exorcisms on possessed Martian Unicorns? And as long as they’ve got that committee together, and they’ve already come out against the suicide part of suicide bombing … maybe go that extra mile. The bombing part is pretty bad too. Just saying.
Fatwa forbids Muslims from living on Mars: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/20/mars-fatwa_n_4823059.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
I guess we’ll have to close on that conundrum. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
And when we come back we’ll push the limits of how many things rhyme with Chronicle.
It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the few minutes we usually remember to set aside every month to talk up all the great atheist, skeptical and otherwise secular meetups going on around the country and around the world.
A lot of really good stuff coming up in the spring, so I’ll go quick:
Aron Ra; Matt Dillahunty and Seth Andrews are teaming up for the “Unholy Trinity Tour”; they’ll be in Amarillo on March 22nd, Albuquerque on May 3rd and San Antonio on June 28th. Hopefully they’ll be adding dates and venues, so we’ll try to keep you abreast of that.
For our British listeners, the AHS National Convention is coming up on the weekend of March 7th in London. AC Grayling and Simon Singh top a fantastic guest list.
Also ThinkCon is coming up on March 15th in Cambridge. The lineup is a great mix of comedians and science popularizers and the topics look fantastic.
Back in the states. Reasonfest welcomes Darrel Ray, Matt Dillahunty, Ed Brayton and many more to Lawrence, Kansas April 4th and 5th,
You’ve got Freethought Fest 3 coming up in Madison, Wisconsin April 11th to the 13th. Mythbuster and rationalist extraordinaire Adam Savage is gonna be there this year, which is pretty awesome.
But of course, I left out the biggest one of the season. And no, I’m not talking about the American Atheists National Convention in Salt Lake City on Easter weekend. http://www.atheists.org/convention2014
And I’m not talking about the Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism or “NECSS” going on April 12th and 13th in New York City. http://necss.org/necss-2014/schedule/
And I’m also not talking about QED in Manchester on the same weekend. https://qedcon.org/
All those are sure to be fantastic, but the one that the atheist world will be abuzz about is the inaugural ReasonCon in Hickory North Carolina on Saturday, May 3rd. They’re keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, (PhD); they’ve also got Tracie Harris of Atheist Experience fame, Cash and Love from the hilarious “Atheists on Air” podcast and more.
But perhaps least notably, they’re also the first secular convention that had the guts to invite Heath, Lucinda and myself so we’ll see if we can make ‘em regret that a little. That’s Saturday, May 3rd, it’s just outside of beautiful Asheville, North Carolina and it’s free
If you want more info, check the shownotes for episode 54 for links to the homepages of all of these events. If you’re involved with an atheist event that could use a free plug, let me know. You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
2 Chronicles in Rhyme
Run and grab your monocles, it’s time to read 2 Chronicles,
The fucking thing’s canonical, so we have to read it through.
The task is astronomical, ‘cause it just goes on and on, it’s bull,
So grab a gin and tonic-I’ll, hope that Adam Sandler doesn’t sue.
So when we finished with First Chronicles, David’s kingship was phenomenal,
But now he’s up and gone and all, so Solomon ascends.
He was wise and philosophical, with a penchant to be prodigal,
So he built a house for God with all, the golden odds and ends.
The dedication was symphonical, with musicians all harmonical
It was downright histrionical; it could not be overstated.
But I find it quite ironical, that they praise him as so logical,
His designs weren’t economical, even the gold there was gold plated.
He soon became iconical, so the queen of Sheba thought it optimal
To see if god remembered anatomical, when selecting what to bless.
So she got all theosophical, and he was cooler than a popsicle.
Was the visit conjugal? Well that’s anybody’s guess.
Rehoboam’s reign was volatile, there was rift damn near tectonic-You’ll,
See the fights were periodic ‘til, the whole kingdom split apart.
Then Abijah got sardonical, and god goes pathological,
He gets divinely gastronomical and kills a million with his fart.
So we’ll keep things chronological, Asa died for trusting hospitals,
Jehoshaphat was nominal, and Ahaziah’s reign was short,
Then his mother went psychotic-All, the heirs were killed methodical,
And though he was nearly embryonic, (a l)ittle kid took royal court.
Amaziah was hedonic, y’all, Uzziah’s death was comical
Ahaz was demonical, Hezekiah had the blues.
Through a devout and patriotic, stall, he slowed the diabolical,
but inevitable obstacle, that would exile all the Jews.
So that’s my poem for Second Chronicles; Sorry it got so neological,
But I’m not hooked on phonics so I’ll, Just say I’ve done my due.
Now my bong needs marijuana, call it dank or hydroponic, hell,
At this point just narcotic’ll be enough to get me through.
“Run grab the young-uns, folks. It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for Kids!”
Gather round boys and girls! Today we’re gonna open our Bibles up to Second Samuel and meet one of the Bible’s most powerful superheroes. Did you know that the Bible had superheroes, boys and girls?
Does it have Spiderman?
No, but some of the superheroes in the bible are even more powerful than Spiderman.
Does it have Batman?
No, because Batman is a lecherous heathen bound for an eternal torment in hell.
Does it have Superman?
Only according to Zac Snyder. But today we’re gonna talk about a different superhero. One that you probably never heard of before. Today we’re gonna talk about Elisha.
Was he bitten by a radioactive spider?
No, Elisha was bitten by a radioactive god. He was the disciple of another biblical superhero named Elijah and they weren’t gay lovers, even though the bible kind of makes it sound like they were.
Elijah was very powerful, but one day he died and god decided to give all his superpowers to Elisha. What’s more, god decided to give Elisha even more superpowers.
Could he fly?
No, but he could part rivers like Moses. He could make a normal spring into a magical healing well and he could cause whole plains to flood when he came across thirsty horses.
Did he have laser vision?
No, but he could strike people blind and he could heal blind people. And he could turn one loaf of bread into a lot of loaves.
Did he have a cybernetic suit with laser guns and missiles?
No, but he could make a little bit of oil turn into a lot of oil and he could bring people back from the dead. And if that’s not enough, he could also makes axe-heads float.
Did he fight crime?
Yes he did. Loitering, to be exact. You see, one day Elisha was walking by a group of kids not much older than you and they were loitering. What’s worse, they were also picking on Elisha for being bald.
My mommy says when people call you names, you should walk away.
And that’s exactly what Elisha did. He walked away… and then used his god powers to summon a few bears to take horrible, bloody vengeance on the kids by ripping their arms and legs off and devouring their torsos while they bled to death screaming in horrible agony.
Because remember, boys and girls, sticks and stones might break your bones, but bears will fucking kill you.
Before we put her in park for the night, I wanted to congratulate our friends over at Secular (dot) FM who raised over two grand for the Foundation Beyond Belief last weekend during their marathon 24 hour live broadcast. And if you’d like to help add to that February total, you’ll find a handy link on the shownotes for this episode.
Donate to the FBB: http://foundationbeyondbelief.org/
That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more. We all got to be podcast whores this week so there’s plenty of us to go around. Heath and I did a guest spot with Jake Farr-Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show, Bill and Suzy invited Lucinda and me onto the latest episode of Bar Room Atheists and, of course, all three of us appeared in fits and starts on the most recent episode of the Holy Crap video cast; you’ll find links to all three on the shownotes as well.
Imaginary Friends Show: http://imaginaryfriendsshow.com/2014/02/22/ifs-170-nice-fantastic/
Bar Room Atheists: http://barroomatheist.podbean.com/
Holy Crap! Vlogcast: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGiA6ZwdeLM
And as if that’s not enough, you can also find all over social media. Be sure to check us out on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and subscribe to us on YouTube. If you’re feeling generous with your time, please take a minute to give us a glowing review on iTunes and if you haven’t checked out Stitcher yet, download the free app, listen to us there and add us to your favorites.
Of course, we can’t close things out without thanking Heath for taking time out of his enervating sex life to join us tonight. Huge thanks to Lucinda for yet another hilarious Bible story and a big thanks to the prodigal daughter and extremely patient Farnsworth quoter tonight, Tiny Tribble. She doesn’t have a blog or anything and I already promoted her dad’s vlogcast twice in this episode, so I’ll just use this time to thank everyone that’s sent us a Farnsworth quote in the past and is wondering if we’ll ever use it. Believe me, I really appreciate it and I’m using them more or less in the order they were received.
But of course, most of all I need to shower praise upon this week’s most exceptional hominids, Sakura, Jennifer, James, Cameron, Andrew, Michael, Cat, Richard, Joanna, Caroline, other Richard and Cherie. Sakura and Jennifer, whose ninjutsu has saved the American coast from more than one hurricane; James and Cameron, who aren’t the dude who made Avatar so I’m still waiting on a refund for that; Andrew and Michael, whose massive cocks will one day unlock the key to space elevator construction; Cat and Richard, whose gravitas compels dogshit to move out of the way of their shoes; Joanna and Caroline, whose wisdom makes Solomon look like a baby-bifurcating bozo; and Richard and Cherie, whose brilliance is so evident that statues are being carved in advance of their historical accomplishments..
This dynamic dozen donors, known throughout the interwebs as the Twelve Apostates, have proved the depth of their apostasy this week by giving us money. Only the most valiant, noble, silky smooth atheists have the disbelief it takes to give us money, but if you think you can handle the praise, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And remember, donating to our show is like sex; the more practice you get, the better it feels. So if you’ve donated to the show in the past, please consider doing it again; this time I’ll swallow.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
by Noah Lugeons
It’s rare that I so profoundly disagree with Hemant Mehta. Anybody who reads this blog or listens to the show knows what a high regard I hold the man in; after all, he was my nominee for 2013 Atheist of the Year.
But in a recent video post, Hemant offered a list of “9 Things Atheists Should Stop Saying“, and without exception, I disagree with every single one. While I agree with some of the larger points he was fitting within this framework, he didn’t actually come up with anything I think atheists should stop saying.
Let me break his points down along with my objections.
#1) “I lost my faith”
This was the only one of his nine where I had trouble even seeing what point he was trying to make. He starts off by claiming that “lost” carries a negative connotation (ie I lost my keys, I lost my job, etc.), then points out that this is false by bringing up the counter-examples of “I lost my virginity” and “I lost weight”.
The point he appears to be making is that when an atheist says, “I lost my faith” it sounds sad to a believer. I’m not sure if this is true or if it is relevant, but either way I don’t think it belongs in any reasonable “banned phrase” list. It’s a minor semantic objection and if we disabuse ourselves of this phrase we’re hamstringing our ability to talk with theists in the language they understand. I’d like to believe that when reasonable theists here someone talk about “losing their faith” they will attach it to the context in which the statement is being said. If it’s uttered by a forlorn shell of a human, it’s depressing. When it’s offered as a preamble to an enthusiastic defense of atheism, one would have to be almost willfully naive to see it as a negative.
#2) “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.”
The point he’s making here is that when we say this in the context of a religious debate, it sounds like we’re setting an uneven criterion. The claim that prayer works is extraordinary to you and I, but might not be for a Christian. It almost sounds like we’re setting up a double standard that asks their claims to meet a higher standard of evidence that theirs.
But rather than chucking such an important rhetorical point under the bus, I say that when you encounter this misunderstanding you should explain what it meant by it. Offer up an extraordinary claim in science such as the big bang and explain the extraordinary amount of evidence that was needed for the scientific community to accept it. Explain the precept of Occam’s razor. Explain what makes a claim extraordinary.
He also makes the point that many theistic claims fail to meet even the lowest bar of evidence and I agree that this should be pointed out, but this can be offered as an addendum rather than a replacement point. This claim is also spectacularly useful when dealing with claims that do meet a very low bar of evidence (think ancient alien conspiracies, for example).
#3) “Everyone is born an atheist”
Hemant’s point against this statement makes perfect sense when he presents it without context. As a stand alone statement, this would be a ridiculous claim. All babies are atheists in the same way that all rocks and staplers are atheists. It confuses the difference between explicit and implicit atheism and might confuse people as to what, exactly, we mean by atheism.
That being said, I’ve never heard this offered by itself. Perhaps I’m less “in the know” that he, but when I hear atheists making this point, it’s usually in response to references to “Christian” babies or “Muslim” babies. Hemant compares the statement that atheists are babies to saying that babies are “political independents”. And this makes sense, except that their aren’t people claiming that babies are republicans or democrats. People do claim that babies are “Christian” or “Jewish” or what-have-you and go so far as to surgically alter them in accordance with that belief.
In this context, I think it is very important to point out that all babies are atheists, though I’ll admit that such a notion could easily me misapplied by a novice atheist debater.
#4) “We can be good without god”
Here he draws a very compelling parallel. Christians might take this the same way that one would take the statement, “I can drive home without wearing my seatbelt”. Well sure, you can and you’ll probably be fine this time, but wouldn’t it be better if you did wear the seatbelt? The theist will take this statement at face value, but might counter with the notion that you could be better with god.
And maybe this is true of some theists in some situations. But I’d reckon that the minority. As Matt Dillahunty points out in his response to this same post, morality continues to be the major sticking point with most people that have issues with atheists. The claim that we have no “absolute moral code” or that morals can only exist with a divine lawgiver is pervasive in the religious community and I don’t know that there’s a single message we could be sending that’s more important than “We can be good without god.”
#5) “I trust science, not some 2000 year old book”
I can’t fairly summarize his point here, because I didn’t honestly understand it. It was something about this statement lending a false legitimacy to the bible, but I really didn’t follow him. If his point had been not to use the word “trust”, I might be inclined to go along since we don’t “trust” science; we demand from it the same evidence that we would from any other claim or sets of claims; but that wasn’t the point he was making at all.
#6) “You can’t reason someone out of something they weren’t reasoned into in the first place”
This is the closest I come to agreeing with any of his points, but again, I think he sets aside context when he says this. If the statement above is offered as a reason not to engage with theists, it is profoundly incorrect. We should definitely employ logic and reason in our efforts to move people out of the “believer” column. We shouldn’t belittle their mental function by pretending that they don’t prop up their beliefs through reason.
But that doesn’t mean there isn’t merit in this statement. I say it all the time and I’ll continue to say it, but when I do it isn’t to point out that reasoning with a religious person is impossible; it’s to point out that reasoning with them isn’t enough. Most atheists hold to their disbelief for logical reasons, but there is an emotional aspect to faith that can’t be ignored in debate. This statement serves as a constant reminder that reason might not be able to do the trick alone.
When I’ve successfully “deconverted” people, it’s been a long process that began with breaking down the logical walls, but ended when I helped them through the emotional hurdles of accepting a worldview without an afterlife or without a “divine plan”.
#7) “I don’t believe in god”
This one didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense to be either, to be honest, though I did like the larger point he was making with it. He points out that when you say “I don’t believe in god”, a theist probably reacts the same way we do when people say, “I don’t believe in evolution”. It doesn’t matter if you believe in evolution; evolution doesn’t need you to believe in it to exist.
And this is a good point; one worth keeping in mind any time you engage with a believer. But I don’t understand why one would avoid saying it. I don’t believe in god. That’s an accurate statement. What’s more, the replacement he offers is all but a distinction without a difference: “I don’t believe that any god exists”. I’m not sure how this solves the perception issue, as I’d be no more impressed if a creationists said, “I don’t believe that any selective pressures that cause speciation exist”.
#8) “Religion doesn’t make any sense.”
Again, completely devoid of context, this is probably a useless statement. As Hemant points out, quantum mechanics don’t make any sense. But more than that, it offers the theists a mental refuge. When you say, “Religion doesn’t make any sense”, you’re saying that you don’t understand it and the theist can retreat to the comforting thought that if you understood religion, you’d be just as religious as them.
But again, it’s not like this statement is generally offered as a standalone. I would assume that the majority of atheists would follow this statement up with a few examples of why they don’t think that religion makes sense and, if done well, those supplementary points would aptly demonstrate that the atheist does know as much (or more) about the religion than the theist.
And if the theist counters with a point about quantum mechanics not making sense, the atheist can offer in response that quantum mechanics is able to demonstrate its claims. Cellphones work and we can prove that. There is no religious equivalent when it comes to demonstration.
#9) “You can’t just pick and choose what you believe”
This is a fairly common practice among atheists while I’m not ready to draw a circle and a line through this statement, I actually do agree with the larger point he’s making here… or at least I tangentially agree with it. He’s talking here about “cafeteria Christians” that believe in the good parts of the bible and disagree with the hating gay people and stoning adulteress parts. Atheists very often enter debate with an “all of nothing” attitude about the bible that doesn’t reflect a realistic understanding of their opponent’s position. After all, who is an atheist to tell a believer how to believe in their religion?
But again, this only makes sense when it’s divorced of context. I’ve used a variation of this in debate before but never when talking about religion in general. This is an excellent point when discussing the bible. If a theist offers a biblical justification for belief x or belief y, it’s perfectly acceptable to point out all the horrible shit in the bible and say, “You can’t just pick and choose the biblical passages that support your point and ignore the ones that refute it”. In other words, if they want to use the bible in their defense, their stuck with the whole thing, warts and all.
Nine for nine. I didn’t agree with a single point he made.
Now, to be fair to the Friendly Atheist, he was using this framework to make a series of larger points, many of them quite valid. But none of them justified the concept that atheists should “stop using” this phrase or the other. It’s important that we take time to reflect on what we’re saying and how it’s being interpreted, which is precisely what Hemant was doing with this blog entry, but it’s also important that we phrase it correctly. None of these are statements that atheists should, “stop saying”, but they’re all things atheists should think about and reflect on before using them in conversation.
In my opinion, there’s only one thing that atheists should stop saying, and that’s what other atheists should and should not say.
by Noah Lugeons
I got an email yesterday that’s had me a little in the dumps. It’s something that was bound to happen at some point, but that doesn’t take much of the sting out of it. I won’t name any names or anything, but a guest I was really hoping to interview on the show just turned me down. By itself, this is not new. It’s happened a number of times before. But this particular guest declined based solely on how raunchy our show gets.
To her credit, she sent a really nice and non-judgmental email in reply to my request, told me she was flattered by the invitation and explained precisely why she was turning it down. And it wasn’t because we swear too much or make too many dick jokes, but rather because we have no filter when it comes to who or what we joke around about.
In her words;
… [T]he jokes about whores and junkies and Chinese midgets crossed a line for me. I enjoy and appreciate edgy, scathing humor — but not when it punches down. I’m just not willing to be part of that.
Like I said, it was bound to happen eventually. It’s a risk that we know we’re taking when we record the really cringe-worthy jokes. We know that we sacrifice some listeners and inevitably sacrifice some really interesting guests.
I was asked about this in a round-about way on a recent interview on “Rational Talk“. We were discussing the out-of-whack moral compass of the show and how it’s grown edgier as time went on. We were specifically discussing Heath’s penchant for political incorrectness, but everything I said of him has become true of me as well.
When we first started the show, I was a lot pickier about what I would and wouldn’t let in. I never shied away from an opinion, but some of Heath’s more over-the-top racist, sexist, Chinese midgetist jokes wound up on the cutting room floor. I would talk to him about it afterword and I would offer in defense the excuse that it “went too far.”
But how far is too far? It’s an arbitrary cultural line and, of course, it’s one that we wanted to cross. But I wanted to dip my toe in the water of “too far” and Heath wanted to dive in. And his justification makes perfect sense to me. If we allow a joke that is “a little” racist but not “really” racist, it’s as though we’re endorsing a certain amount of racism. It’s as though we’re saying “this much racism is okay.” But if we allow the joke to live all the way on the other side, it’s impossible to ignore the sarcasm. It’s impossible not to see how tongue-in-cheek the act is.
Let me be clear, we use our platform to denounce racism, sexism, homophobia and child abuse. But along the way we joke about racism, sexism, homophobia and child abuse. And since any joke on any of those subjects “crosses the line”, we cross the line. And we’ve rejected the notion that it’s okay as long as you swim in the shallow end.
All that being said, I don’t begrudge my would-be guest her decision. She didn’t say that she we shouldn’t be doing the show, she didn’t say she thought we should tone it down. She simply didn’t want to lend her name to it. I admire the principle even if I disagree with it.
Still, would have been a really cool interview though.
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Warning: This podcast contains Heath Enwright
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Sharia Law & Order: Sinful Victims Unit.
In the Islamic Justice System, female victims of sexually based offenses are considered especially culpable. The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious women are an elite squad known as the Sinful Victims Unit. These are their stories.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s February 20th,
And now that Paul Walker’s dead, his roles will be played by Aaron Paul – aka the “Miracle on Ice”
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright and from the city that never sleeps, New York, New York
And the city that never flosses, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist
On this week’s episode
We’ll open with a series of bullet points,
We’ll get through a snake-handler story with no masturbation jokes,
And Jay Novella joins us share non-culinary advice for atheist parents
But first, the diatribe…
I was accused in an email exchange the other day of “hating religious people”. And I was about to email back that “I don’t hate religious people, I hate religion”… but I stopped myself, because I didn’t want to be dishonest. I do hate religious people.
But it’s not because they’re religious… it’s because they’re people.
Think about the copious amounts of ass that people suck. I hate most of them. And I’d guess that about 80% of the people I hate are religious. And 2% of them are atheists. And 18% of them are spiritual, agnostic or “other”.
The whole notion that the atheist movement hates religious people is even stupider than the assertion that atheists hate god. Religion is an oppressive force and it harms religious people a hell of a lot more than atheists. I’m in no danger of foregoing life saving medicine and opting for prayer. I’m in no danger of being swindled by a preacher. I’m in no danger of being butt-raped by a Catholic Priest… well, no, I guess we all are, but I’m in a low-risk demographic at least. But the whole premise is asinine. It’s like saying abolitionists were motivated by their hatred of slaves.
Of course, this came about in one of those stupid “How can religion be bad if so-and-so exists?” arguments So-and-so being, of course, some morally incorruptible person. And whether the example is Martin Luther King, Jr. or the sweet old lady across the street, it’s no less stupid an argument. Lucinda and I have a couple of neighbors that are as nice as two people can be, except the fact that they disowned their son for being gay.
And sure, they’d run into a burning building for us, they’d donate a lung for us, they’d fight off a pack of she-bears for us, but does that make homophobia any less egregious? Does the fact that the axe murdered also fed stray cats a reason to go easy on axe-murdering? And if good religious people mean that religion is good, what the hell do bad religious people mean?
But there’s more wrong with this argument than it’s simple failure to sequit. I’ll give you a great example in the form of my landlord.
The dude is as nice as anybody you can imagine. Seventy two years old, spry, intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humor and he’s quick to hurry over and fix shit that goes wrong, provided it doesn’t do so on the Lord’s day. He’s super-religious and it would be physically impossible to dislike him.
The other day I was talking to him and he brought up his church which he is often wont to do. He had a bit of a sunburn going and when I asked him about it he said he got it mowing the lawn at his church. The two acres around this church. That a seventy-two year old man is mowing for no compensation. And why, pray tell, is the old man mowing the lawn? Well, the church was concerned with their finances and they feared they could no longer afford the monthly landscaper’s fees. And they figured that Jesus would really appreciate it if somebody volunteered to mow that giant-ass shadeless lawn once a week under the unforgiving South Georgia sun.
But it’s not that they were taking advantage of him. Au contraire. He understood how important it was. Why, unless somebody donated their labor to the church lawn, they wouldn’t be able to send any money to the Southern Baptist Convention.
So the church is sending a septuagenarian out to mow their lawn so they can properly fund an anti-gay hate-group that was founded on White Supremacy and only got around to apologizing for that shit in the mid-nineties. How moral of them.
So no, I don’t hate religious people… at any higher rate than I hate non-religious people. And I’d even go so far as to say I can prove it. If I really hated religious people and I really wanted to stick it to them, I’d stop doing this show, I’d just shut up about atheism and I’d let the church have ‘em.
Joining me for headlines tonight is Olympic Vanadium Medalist Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to go for the Chromium?
Hey, don’t knock Vanadium. It has the highest melting point of any period 4 transition metal.
Take that titanium!
In our lead story tonight, Australian chemist Simon Horsfall is slipping disapproving notes into the package when he sells oral contraception to those customers of his pharmacy that don’t share his Catholic beliefs. In other news, Australian pharmacists mistakenly refer to themselves as “chemists”. They count pills, and collect people’s money every week. They have the same skill set as a drug dealer. They’re not exactly inventing new plastics for NASA.
This actually explains why the Australian Space Agency is still lagging so far behind Latvia. Reminds me of those Fosters commercials. You show an uppity fucker eyeing me suspiciously when buy syringes for my diabetic cat and it says “Chemist” and then it shows a cheap can of carbonated dingo piss and it says “Beer”… but it’s Australian so it’s three syllables long and they never quite get to the “R”….
Here’s a statement from the (air quote) “chemist” (end air quote), who’s been writing self-righteous notes like this for 12 years: (real quote) ”It’s about integrity – if you say one thing and do something else, that is hypocrisy. We practise what we preach.” (end real quote) … First of all, ‘practice’ doesn’t have an ‘S’ … It has a ‘C’ … Second, he doesn’t practeeze what he preaches at all. He’s been making money selling contraceptives for at least 12 years!!! He’s going to hell, and he’s talking about integrity and avoiding hypocrisy?!?
It’s more like hypocrisy squared. “I’m against this, but I’m gonna profit off of it, but I’m gonna call you an asshole for giving me your money.”
I’m willing to consider the merits of both sides of the abortion issue. But contraception?!? Wearing a cross around your neck is pretty good contraception. Money shots are contraception. It was happening before condoms, just not well. So like it or not – and whether or not one particular outer-suburban pharmacy (slash) Pfizer Lab in Australia approves – widespread availability of real contraceptives is one of the greatest public health accomplishments of the last century.
Yes, I think it’s time we moved beyond the “orgasms are evil” doctrine.
Australian Pharmacist puts disapproving note in every bottle of contraceptives: http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/take-note-this-chemist-disapproves-of-contraceptives-20140213-32jz1.html
And in “god forsakes the flakes who partake in the shaking of snakes” news tonight, Kentucky pastor and squamate appetizer Jamie Coots died of stupidity last Saturday after being gnawed on by a venomous rattlesnake. Coots is part of the Darwinian oversight known as “Snake handlers”, a group of Pentecostals who believe that god is the only anti-venom they need, despite the extraordinarily high rate at which their pastors demonstrate otherwise.
It’s literally gotten to the point that if this happens again next week, we’d almost have to skip the story out of boredom. Maybe we just do occasional segments when zero Pentecostal preachers committed suicide by serpent venom that week.
Yeah, snake handlers have been done to death at this point. Coots was bitten during a Saturday night service but rather than seek medical attention for the treatable but otherwise mortal wound, he instead opted for the “Jesus take the presynaptic neurotoxin” approach and treated the bite by laying on his couch and praying… even after EMTs showed up at his home and offered him real-universe medicine.
It’s a good thing I’m not an ambulance guy. I would have made a joke about it being “Pastor Expiration Date.”
Yeah, your sense of humor might not work well in any emergency medical profession. Now, if the name Jamie Coots sounds familiar, it’s because be discussed this celebrity death-pool lock back on episode 27 of this show when National Geographic tapped him to star in their visual testament to faith-inspired idiocy “Snake Salvation”. Nat Geo has issued an apology and vows to replace the show next season with more responsible programs like “Cutting Yourself for Jesus” and “Rabbi Rosenbaum’s Wide World of Long Distance Circumcisions”.
Yet another snake handling preacher killed by… wait for it… snakes: http://www.wbir.com/story/news/local/2014/02/16/pastor-dies-after-snake-he-was-handling-bit-him/5529907/
And from the “Not in Ken’s Ass Anymore” file, the state House of Representatives in Kansas has overwhelmingly approved Jim Crow Laws for gay people. Proponents of the legislation seem to feel this is necessary to facilitate a smooth transition to humanhood for the queers, following their recent liberation from slavery in the state. An existing gay resident can be grandfathered in for full humanhood right away, however he may be required to prove his grandfather was gay.
Which sucks for straight Kansas grandfathers. What a dilemma; “Hey grandpa, they’ll let me use hospitals and pharmacies, but only if you’ll go down the county registrars office and gobble some cock.”
Should the bill be signed into law, gay couples could legally be denied service absolutely anywhere, and if gays are permitted inside buildings at all, I’m certain they’ll be required to use the rear entrance, which is really just an exit for everyone else. (…) I guess this must be the Christian response to the hordes of gay couples in the Bible Belt, who were ruining public parks for everyone else, with lewd displays of deep-throating water fountain spigots? …
Shit yeah, the “Spite a bigot, blow a spigot” campaign. Of course, it’s worth noting that the leader of the state senate has already come out and said that there’s no way in hell they’re gonna pass this thing, but the fact that Kansas is trying to compete with Russia and Uganda when it comes to legislative gay-bashing is still newsworthy.
And just to be perfectly clear, this would allow a public hospital to refuse treatment, or a police officer to refuse policing, as long as the homophobes make their decision “based on a sincerely held religious belief”. Lucky for anyone in Kansas with the sincerely held belief that hateful assholes should be brutally tortured for even suggesting this – they should soon be able to carry out their vigilante water-boarding spree of religious zealots with full impunity.
And from the “Keystone Caliphate” file tonight, a suicide bombing instructor in Iraq shook up this year’s Darwin Award standings last week during an accidental pop quiz. While demonstrating how to kill oneself and a score of bystanders, Professor Aggressor the Lesser accidentally killed himself and a score of bystanders.
This does shake up the Darwin standings, but I’d say the bystanders are at the top of the list. If there’s anyone dumber than a suicide bomber conducting a demonstration, it’s the people who showed up for the demonstration. That’s the sort of meeting you might want to Skype in.
In addition to the instructor, twenty-one students were killed, 15 pupils were wounded, 8 militants were arrested and 1,548 virgins were very disappointed. The instructor’s name was not released but Iraqi officials say he is a well-known terrorist recruiter who will forever be remembered for his poignant last words; “whatever you do, never do this.”
Instructor accidentally blows up a class full of suicide bombing students: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/11/world/middleeast/suicide-bomb-instructor-accidentally-kills-iraqi-pupils.html?_r=0
That’s why you never buy your bomb fuses at the Acme Store. Moving on to “Sacred Cowboys” news: UConn’s new assistant football coach Ernest Jones has resigned, immediately following controversy surrounding his violation of the university policy that says you can’t preach about Jesus while you’re working. Jones, as well as head coach Bob Diaco, were both hired from Notre Dame, which would be impressive 30 years ago. In 2014, all it tells me is that Mantai Teo’s imaginary friend delusions make a lot more sense.
In an “immaculate deception” sort of way…
Among other useless coaching methods, Jones told players that football wouldn’t exist without the Christian lord and savior, and that Jesus belongs in the huddle, even though that’s obviously a 5-yard penalty.
Twelve disciples in the huddle, yeah.
So, in honor of the newly resigned (read about to be fired) Jones … Let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Failed Religious Sports Teams” … GO!!!
Well played! But I was thinking more like … JC Milan … Re-Allah Madrid … Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark
If we’re allowing movies about failed religious sports teams, then my answer is Rudy.
Well played again! But I mean like … The Nashville Sexual Predators … The Dallas Plow Boys
Sounds like they play in “A Catholic League of Their Own” …
Ok I Iike the movie titles … Let’s roll with it … What about “Million Dollar Baby Jesus”?
Original Cinderella Man
Papal Bull Durham
Parting the Red Seabiscuit
Any Given Sunday School
Bang the Kids Slowly?
King of Kingpins
Judas Iscariots of Fire
The Fast Boy Scout
Or Run Altarboy Run. Either way, the priest ends up with Varsity Blue-Balls.
Bad New Prayers Don’t Work
Christian asshole resigns from assistant football coach position at UConn: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/18/uconn-assistant-football-coach-who-said-jesus-christ-should-be-in-the-center-of-our-huddle-resigns
They don’t. And I think that’s actually as good a point to close on as any we’ve made. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
And when we come back, Jay Novella from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe will be here to Skeptically Guide us through the Universe.
Before we dismiss the royal guard tonight I wanted to make everybody aware of a very cool fundraiser that our friends at Secular (dot) FM are putting together. They’re doing a 24 hour live broadcast to raise money for the Foundation Beyond Belief. It’s running all day this Sunday, the 23rd, starting and ending at midnight. Tanner Campbell, Mark Nebo and David Viviano are hosting the thing and they’ve got a list of guests that makes me drool: Dale McGowan, Seth Andrews, Shelley Segal, JT Eberhard, DJ Grothe, Jessica Ahlquist, Jerry DeWitt, Dave Muscato… and I’m seriously just scratching the surface.
I’d strongly encourage you to check it out; it should be a lot of fun and it’s for a good cause. You’ll find links to more info on the shownotes for this episode.
I also wanted to apologize for the 2 Chronicles poem getting bumped again but we needed the time for the interview. I promise it’ll be on next week’s show.
And, of course, I need to give Jay another big thanks for coming on the show. Very awesome guy, super passionate about what he does and one of the real pioneers of podcasting so thrilled to have him on. I also need to thank Heath for his indefatigable sense of humor, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show up tonight and I need to thank Matt from Chicago for his awesome Farnsworth quote (slash) Cafepress plug (slash) rape joke.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most prestigious paragons of personhood, Thomas, Tim, Brad, Tyler, Kenny, Shelby, Vinnie, Geoff, April, Leo, Wayne, Liam, Richard and Tom. Thomas and Tim, whose reflexes and strength are so great they could be empowered by radioactive spiders and not notice; Brad and Tyler, whose levers are long enough for Archimedes if we could just find the fulcrum; Kenny and Shelby, the Wonder Twins of atheism, except that neither of them has a power that sucks compared to the other one; Vinnie and Geoff, who are hot enough to melt vanadium; April and Leo, who are so awesome they named a month and a sign of the zodiac after them; Wayne and Liam, whose attractiveness holds the key to zero point energy; and Richard and Tom, who have to turn away more pussy than a Friskies audition.
These fourteen upright, upstanding, uproarious, uplifting individuals have proved their up-ness this week by giving us money. Only the most atheistic of all atheists have the atheism it takes to give us money, but if you think you disbelieve in god enough, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And remember, size matters. Help us grow our social media presence by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, subscribing to us on YouTube and circling us or whatever on that Google one. And rate us on iTunes and favorite us on Stitcher and subscribe to our blog and Jesus I’m needy.
If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
by Noah Lugeons
A while back I decided to start putting the diatribe from each week’s episode on YouTube as a way of spreading our content around a bit. And then I fell behind on it and then I got caught back up and then I fell behind again. And then I fell really far behind.
I’m back it catch-up mode now, but we’re still 18 episodes away from up to date and despite getting 4 of them up over the weekend, I fear I might have inadvertently delayed things when I put the last video up. Lucinda and I were chatting about potential YouTube videos and she was lobbying to put up the “Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids” segments.
As much as I liked the idea, I told her that if we were going to do that I’d want to do it with some artwork; a slideshow of story-book style drawings illustrating all the graphic horrors. And at about the same time, somebody who saw one of the new diatribe videos on YouTube tweeted us suggesting that we put Lucinda’s Bible Stories up with storybook illustrations. And that’s all the encouragement I needed.
So I went through the first Lucinda’s Bible Story (Lott’s Daughters; episode 20) and made some notes on what pictures we would need to make it happen. To do what I want I’m looking at about 48 sketches, all of them relatively simple stuff, so nothing that should take longer than a week. It might make it a bit tougher to get up to speed on all the diatribes, but I’m willing to bet it’ll be worth it.
As I was talking Lucinda through my concept, I drew a couple of samples to give her an idea the style of artwork I had in mind:
What you’re seeing here is, left to right, god, Lott with his two daughters and a hamster peeking out of someone’s ass. Why is there a picture of a hamster sticking out of someone’s ass? Well, that’s just one of the many reasons you should be looking forward to the finished project.