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Wealthy preachers sends Holy Water to Sierra Leone to cure Ebola: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/08/17/rich-preacher-sends-4000-bottles-of-holy-water-to-sierra-leone-to-cure-ebola/ <<AND>> https://news.yahoo.com/sierra-leones-365-ebola-deaths-traced-back-one-065404276.html
Ken Ham’s illegal hiring practices may be illegal: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/danthropology/2014/08/the-dishonesty-continues-from-ken-ham-and-answers-in-genesis/
Jesse Lee Paterson: “Thug, please!” http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/jesse-lee-peterson-laments-thugs-michael-brown-are-given-benefit-doubt
Austrian porn actress faces charges for filming porn in a church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/12/porn-in-church-woman-caught-breasts_n_5671588.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news
Navy un-removes bibles from hotel rooms: http://www.religionnews.com/2014/08/15/bibles-navy-atheists/
Nun lambastes Vatican for “wasteful” investigation: http://www.religionnews.com/2014/08/16/sister-elizabeth-johnson-waste-time-investigation-unconscionable/
Allah turns man into wife killer in record time: http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/just-weeks-after-converting-to-islam-daniel-munoz-blamed-killing-his-wife-on-the-voice-of-allah-court-told/story-fni0cx12-1227025215011?nk=ea92bbd18074dd29dfc25cd769e52984
THIS WEEK IN MISOGYNY:
Ban public nudity/breast feeding because boobs make people gay: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/08/18/ohio-anti-abortion-leader-ban-public-nudity-breastfeeding-because-boobs-promote-gay-pride/
Pastor Steve Anderson says women shouldn’t be attracted to male actors, because they’re gay: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/08/15/pastor-steven-anderson-tells-women-to-stop-idolizing-male-actors-these-guys-are-a-bunch-of-sodomite-faggots
Colorado candidate supports women’s rights to whatchamacallit: http://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/08/15/3471777/candidate-colorado-birth-control/
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Atheist activist in Alabama receives death threats: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/08/10/alabama-atheist-opposes-in-god-we-trust-plaque-in-mobile-county-building-and-receives-death-threats-on-facebook/
Atheist author cancels conference appearance after death threats: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/08/09/bible-parody-book-author-skips-conference-after-receiving-death-threats-but-attendees-are-honoring-him-another-way/
Church cancels funeral after learning dead guy was gay: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/08/gay-funeral-cancelled_n_5662133.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
Rick Wiles: Ebola could solve the atheism problem… and kill the gays! http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/rick-wiles-ebola-could-solve-americas-problems-atheism-and-homosexuality and http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/rick-wiles-links-obama-ebola-outbreak
Christians infiltrate gay pride parade, hand out faulty condoms: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/08/08/radical-christian-goes-undercover-at-vancouver-pride-to-distribute-gospel-condoms/
Teen missionary rapist blames demons: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2014/08/teen-missionary-accused-of-raping-children-claims-a-demon-made-him-do-it/
Bryan Fischer: “AFA and ISIS on the same page about disliking Obama and Satan” http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/bryan-fischer-agrees-isis-yazidis-are-devil-worshippers-says-thats-why-obama-defends-them
Pastor arrested for soliciting dog sex on Cragislist: http://www.columbiatribune.com/news/crime/task-force-arrests-man-on-suspicion-of-trying-to-find/article_34bee8c9-0ffa-59dc-861f-e49ac8b64cd0.html
(This Week in Misogyny)
Too much sex in sex ed textbook: http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_26295077/too-much-sex-sex-education-book-fremont-parents
Stephen Anderson explains how birth control makes women sluts: http://aattp.org/pastor-who-prayed-for-obamas-death-birth-control-makes-women-whores-video/
Ohio Strippers protest at church… topless: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/08/11/ohio-strippers-take-topless-protest-to-church-that-harassed-them-as-whores-tramps-for-nine-years/
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints.
LINK TO ADAM’S PODCAST (The Herd Mentality)
Link to Matt Dillahunty’s video on Secular Morality
Warning: You should have peed before you left.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by “Whore-Ox Bleach,” Abstain-Remover.
So for all you recently deconverted theists still struggling to overcome the sexual taboos imbedded in your mind by decades of slut-shaming, hell-mongering and bedroom advice from celibate pedophiles, try our extra strength suppositories and we promise they won’t be the last thing you stick in your ass.
“Whore-Ox Bleach,” safe for both whites and coloreds… even at the same time… and that’s okay now.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s August 7th,
And evolution’s so easy, a caveman can do it.
I’m Noah Lugeons
I’m Heath Enwright, and from pluralistic New York, New York,
And “as monochromatic as legally enforceable” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode,
- We learn that God never learned to drive stick,
- A Louisiana archdiocese will play “Three Pedophile Monte,”
- And the gays ruin Christian orphan hoarding for everyone.
But first, the Diatribe…
Of all the arrows in the apologist’s quiver, you’ve gotta figure the whole, “Where do atheists get their morals?” bit has to be the last one they want to shoot. Because what they’re saying at that point is essentially, “I know we’re wrong, but if we admit it was all a lie, we’d all be raping each other’s ear-holes by September.”
It’s such a baffling question to me because it rests on the assumption that morality comes from god… but doesn’t everything come from god if you’re a theist? How is this any different than asking, “Without god, where do atheists get their orgasms?” Why are morals always singled out?
Now, obviously there’s a more nuanced form of this than the ear-hole rape version. They say that morals need an absolute, right? Otherwise you descend into moral relativism, in which case you have to admit that a culture can dictate what’s moral. They like to say that without an absolute moral authority to appeal to, there can only be moral change, not moral advancement.
Obviously there’s too much wrong with this argument to cram it all in one diatribe. I mean… there’s no divine authority on health or technology and those things can advance. I don’t need a man in the sky to tell me that my phone is superior to a loom. I know it because I have an objective standard… you know, like the ones we have for morality… harm, freedom, equality… that kind of shit.
And despite the spurious series of assumptions this nonsense apologetic relies on, there are plenty of theists that actually think it is some sort of checkmate. They say, “Morals must come from god, so if there’s no god, there’s no morals.” But they just… changed the definition of morals, right? I mean, the dictionary calls morals, “a person’s standard of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do.” No mention of god there.
It’s like saying that from now on the definition of the word “egg” includes, “perfectly cubed,” and then lamenting the fact that there are no true eggs anymore. Matt Dillahunty has a great video, and I’ll link to it on the shownotes for this episode, where he argues that not only is a secular morality superior to a religious morality but, in fact, secular morality is the only kind that exists.
Now, a lot of atheists will demonstrate this fact by pointing to something we can all agree is immoral, but isn’t touched on in the bible. You ask them, “So, do you think slavery is immoral?” and they say, “Yes,” because they’re afraid a black person might hear them and you say, “So why do you think that’s immoral? Never says that in your bible. God never says slavery is immoral. You just know it is because your secular morals tell you it is.”
This might be effective sometimes, but it sort of misses their point. Because these people think the Holy Ghost lives in their head and gives them instructions, like the little alien that drives Oprah Winfrey. So when you say “it isn’t in the bible,” they say, “well god just whispered it into my brain,” and somehow they don’t recognize how batshit insane that sounds. And among the advantages of this line of, let’s call it “thinking,” is that it also immunizes them in case you point out that atheists are, by reasonable measures, as moral as religious people. Well of course we are, because god is whispering right from wrong into our brains, too; we just don’t realize it.
Of course, they’re only that sophisticated with their stupid when they have to be. I’ve spoken with a number of theists that were genuinely curious what kept me from raping immigrants. They like to paint this hellish picture of what the world would look like without the threat of sky-daddy’s brimstone-timeouts. And if you counter by pointing out that the least religious nations are the most lawful and the most religious nations are the most violent, they’ll retreat to prehistory and talk about how bad civilization would have been without the advantage of the “Divine Ass Rape of Damocles.”
But in truth, the last thing they should want to bring up is morality. It’s the weakest link in their chain and it’s my favorite way of pointing out what’s so damn dangerous about religion. When theists ask me where I get my morals, I prefer to tell them where I don’t get them. I don’t get them from absolute authorities. I don’t get them from ancient texts. I don’t get them from voices in my head. I don’t get them from somebody whose moral authority rests solely on his mastery of mythology. I don’t get them from a book that so readily offered moral justifications for slavery, institutionalized sexism, child abuse, genocide and torture.
So where do morals come from? I don’t know. Where do fantasies come from? Where do ideas come from? Where do fears and fallacies come from? Tell you what, theists, I’ll make you a deal. We rationalists will keep looking into that and when we have a definitive answer, we’ll get back to you. All we ask in return is that between now and then you refrain from nuking the fucking planet over that extremely moral institutions you keep talking about.
Joining me for headlines tonight is adverbally adjective-ish, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to verb?
I’d like to verb my noun on S.E. Cupp’s face … Will we get a chance to look into that???
I’d commission a mural of it on my ceiling.
Two pearls one Cupp … In our lead story tonight, from the “Foxy Moron” file, conservative atheist political pundette S.E. Cupp – after her daily shift behind the glass as prize specimen at the Exotic Republican Zoo – proclaimed during a video for CNN’s Crossfire, that conservative atheists are better at godlessness that liberal atheists. Then she got back inside the glass walls and ceiling for the evening shift …
I hear they used to have soundproof glass but they learned that as long as people could hear her, they didn’t need the jizz mopper.
On the outside wall, anyway. And women don’t usually have enough power to reach the glass ceiling … So I thought she might talk about how liberalism more closely aligns with the teachings of Jesus than conservativism … That wouldn’t have helped her case … <Not really> but it would have been better than her actual argument … which went something like this: “Atheist Republicans – who are beholden to a constituency full of evangelicals – are forced to feign imaginary sympathy more than atheist Democrats … And that makes conservative atheists better … Because intellectual honesty is … bad– sputter sputter sputter hissssssss.”
I saw an interesting counter-argument by somebody named ‘The Exact Same Bitch Making a Contradictory Point,’ who said (quote) “In fact, I’d go so far as to say conservatism is far more intellectually honest and respectful of atheism than liberalism has been.” (end quote) So… sorry to interrupt, Southeast, you were saying something about ‘Intellectual honesty?’
Her remarks start to make a little more sense when you consider Cupp’s description of her personal brand of monotheistic atheism (quote) “I don’t believe in God, but I’m not mad at him either.” (end quote) … So unlike Bill Maher – who she castigates for being radically zero-godded – Cupp subscribes to a more accommodating, moderate sect of atheism called Christianity … She believes in half a god as a compromise, but rounds it up to one if she’s on FOX.
That’s odd… because usually Christian gods come in thirds.
Right … zero thirds.
CNN’s S.E. Cupp: “Conservative atheists are better.”: http://www.mediaite.com/tv/s-e-cupp-im-a-better-atheist-than-bill-maher
And in “It’s not like they didn’t pay for their own lube” news tonight, Minneapolis archbishop John C. Nienstedt is refusing to relinquish his post an awful lot these days. Nienstedt is facing calls for his resignation from prominent Catholics, local politicians, state newspapers, the kid’s whose asses he allowed to be raped and all other people who are familiar with this situation on even a cellular level; but Nienstedt vows to continue fighting for the rights of priests to molest children with impunity but pretends it’s because he really loves running the soup kitchen.
Here’s the problem though … You can’t just conjure up new clergy on command. It’s not so easy to find someone who can read, ladle, and not abuse kids.
While he freely admits that he mishandled abuse allegations in the past, he did vociferously deny that he was actively engaged in homosexual relationships, which prompted reporters to point out that nobody was saying he was, to which he responded, (quote) “Good, because I’m not,” (end quote).
“You want me to go have penis-vagina sex right now?!? … With an adult … I’ll do it!!!”
The actual defense he’s using here is the claim that while he was shown memos about problem priests, he didn’t fully grasp the scope of the troubles until last fall. Last Fall!? As in since we’ve been doing this show. So the guy who runs the diocese was less informed on the catholic child-fucking thing than Heath and me until ten months ago, when his chancellor of canonical affairs resigned her position in disgust and went public with the information. So yes, his story is that the person who quit her job because of his refusal to adequately address these allegations never told him about the allegations.
Sounds like this guy’s had his head up his ass … or someone else’s … for decades.
Critics of Nienstedt, also known as “humans” note that this guy is egregious even compared to other Catholic molestor-enablers. Minnesota Lawyer Jeff Anderson describes the abuse under Nienstedt’s supervision (quote) “among the most grave we’re ever encountered” (end quote). And as if to demonstrate the astounding extent to which he doesn’t get it, when describing his renewed commitment to protecting children from sexual abuse, the words he chose were promising to (I shit you not this is what he said) “take a more hands on approach” (end quote).
Minnesota Priest Refuses to resign; defends handling of sex abuse scandal: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/31/us/archbishop-under-fire-over-abuse-apologizes-but-says-he-wont-resign.html?_r=0
And in “Psychics prophesize failure to predict things, thus failing” news … Exactly zero of the thousands of self-proclaimed magical people in the world, have managed to cash in on the long-standing enormous money offer from famous skeptic James Randi. So assuming magic clearly exists … It seems every single prophet, astrologer, warlock, and faith healer … has an ethical dilemma about taking a million dollars from an atheist and donating it to charity.
Most interesting, from an ethical perspective, is the fact that it’s only the real wizards that refuse to take the test. Because the fake ones are just lining up…
As many of you may know, the James Randi Educational Foundation has offered a one million dollar prize to anyone that can demonstrate a supernatural ability under legitimate experimental conditions. This has existed since 1996, and was also offered in smaller sums going back to 1964. So again, given magic clearly exists, that’s half a century of assholes that can do magic, but won’t share it with the world unless they’re standing next to a dumbwaiter.
But it’s worth noting that the Million Dollar Challenge isn’t limited to warlocks and astrologers. It covers all kinds of bullshit esoteric claims like being able to audibly differentiate between Monster Cables and a cable that costs 90% less.
Since the prize was first offered, over a thousand wizards have been tested, and none of them have even passed the preliminary test, designed by the wizard, and agreed upon in advance by both parties as a pre-requisite proof of concept. This fact is cited by critics, suggesting Randi is using anti-magic and confundus charms to hinder applicants. This same fact is cited by Randi as evidence that magic doesn’t exist.
That’s the funniest part of this thing to me. They make sure that every claimant agrees that the testing protocol is fair beforehand. So 100% of the claimants will tell you before the test that the metrics are fair; and almost the same percentage will tell you afterwards that they aren’t.
The most recent attempt at the million – by Dragon Ball Z character, Mr. Fei Wang – was the final event at TAM 2014 in Las Vegas last month. If you don’t know already … Show of hands … Who thinks he won the million? … You guys are a smart audience … So despite Wang’s best efforts, during his preliminary test, he was unable to shoot invisible energy balls through cardboard, any better than placebo Goku, Jamy Ian Swiss. In fact, Liu Kang was clearly worse. The data from that experiment show Mr. Swiss is actually batting a thousand at shooting invisible energy balls. Next year at TAM, he may fight Raiden.
And in “Mike and Mike in the Morning Mass” news tonight, Congressional Republicans Mike Enzi and Mike Kelly have proposed legislation that would protect the rights of religious adoption agencies to violate the rights of other people. The bill uses vague language to avoid actually saying “fudge-packers” in the bill, instead carrying on with references to “sincerely held religious beliefs” and the “moral convictions of the provider.” This is obviously a political ploy to allow southern representatives to later argue that they thought the bill was to keep white kids from being adopted by the negroes.
It’s adoptions or abortions … Can’t have it both ways.
Now, I think it’s worth noting exactly what they’re trying to protect here. Even in the states that fully recognize gay marriage, there’s no law that says that adoption agencies have to give kids to gay couples. It’s just that some of them say that state-funded adoption agencies have to. So it’s okay to use needy children as a political weapon in your futile effort to maintain pre-renaissance morality, you just can’t do it on the taxpayer’s dime. Which means that the proposed bill wouldn’t so much insulate the adoption agencies from anti-discrimination laws, since they’re already exempted from them. It would protect the bigots rights to have their bigotry financed by the government.
Basic freedoms … Now I’m aware that people hate to hear about boring shit like relevant data, but they’re gonna today. Numerous recent studies show that children raised by same-sex couples are – if anything – given better parenting on average.
Well sure, obviously, because all gay parents and intentionally parents. You can’t accidentally become a gay parent.
Right, they weren’t born gay parents. It’s a choice. But for all practical purposes, potential adopters should really only need to outperform orphanages. Gay parents beating straight parents was gravy.
And the gays do like their gravy. Catholic adoption agencies have grown particularly adept at the weaponization of orphans over the past decade. In several instances they’ve famously shut down adoption services statewide rather than abide by the principles of equality. They’ve literally stopped helping children altogether because they’ve prioritized their malignant xenophobia over the welfare of parentless children. And think about what a sacrifice it is for a bunch of Catholic priests to just walk away from a bunch of helpless, rape-ripe orphans. So they’re serious about this shit.
Yeah … “Weaponized Orphans” … That actually happened. Church-run shelters in Colorado and Illinois basically threatened to throw an orphan out of the airplane every ten minutes, until they got their bigotry subsidy check from the government.
New law would shield religious adoption agencies from discrimination laws: http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2014/07/31/3466152/adoption-license-to-discriminate/
And from the “Awkward but Well-funded Reunion” file, this year marks the tenth anniversary of the legal settlement in which the Roman Catholic Diocese of Lafayette – in Louisiana – paid out twenty-six million dollars to 123 victims of sexual abuse at the hands of their clergy, dating back to the 1950’s. Given such a large sum of money, the church feels it’s tacky to ask about minutiae like: “Who are the pedophiles?”
Right… because what were they buying for their twenty-six large if not the retroactive consent of the victims?
In response to justified suspicion that some of the guilty priests are still at large (and even still practicing), The Daily Adviser emailed the diocese, asking which ones – specifically – are the known rapists. Their response was basically: “Why? … No! … You are!” … According to a response email from the in-house publicist they require, the bishop in charge of the place, Michael Jarrell, (quote) “sees no purpose in such action.” (end quote) … No purpose!!!
I believe they then added (quote) “Do you know how hard it is to fuck kids these days when you’re a Catholic Priest? Even the four and five year olds have heard about us by now. If we told you their names they wouldn’t stand a chance.” (end fake quote)
“So we’ll just need those names, so we can get the anklets installed.” …
“I believe our insurance company paid their debt to society. Haven’t these pedophiles been punished enough?!?” … No. No they have not …
And by the way, I bet the Tea Party would get on board, if you could get settlements like this from your ObamaCare plan. Jesus is a lot like a pre-existing condition for these kids. It’s not their fault.
Society: “Which ones are known rapists?” … Church: “Why do you ask?” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/08/03/diocese-of-lafayette-louisiana-says-theres-no-purpose-in-releasing-names-of-priests-who-molested-children
And in “Answers in Carcino-Genesis” news tonight, Christianity has discovered the cure for cancer. And it turns out, and you probably saw this coming, it’s a cross that rises a twenty-third of a mile into the air. The giant cancer-killing cross is the Kidney-child of couple of Alabama businessmen who are sick and damn tired of the largest cross in the country being in that there state what Lincoln come from. They hope to raise the estimated $750,000 needed to construct the monstrosity through a crowdfunding site that says, in no uncertain terms, that building giant crosses can cure cancer. And divorce.
And cancer and divorce keep existing … so “BIGGER!!! … MORE PERPENDICULAR!!!” …
“You idiots!!! God’s looking from above. Now he’s gonna think we’re Satanists. Print ‘THIS SIDE UP’ on the top.”
The miraculous claims come under the “How can I help?” section of the website and somewhere amidst the time-cube level logic (and website presentation), the project’s leaders assert that the giant torture-device-replica could, through the simple merit of being seen by a passing heathen motorist, turn them back to Jesus. And, as almost goes without saying, thereby heal their devil-cancer and save their marriage.
So the cross won’t even help Christians … It’s a reminder for heathen drifters … Lance Armstrong riding around … “Between divorce and testicle cancer, I’ve literally lost half my shit … I’m so depressed–Oooohhh!!! What’s that plus sign-y thing?”
The website also shares the miraculous vision that prompted then 32 year old Jon Butler to dedicate himself to spending double a soup kitchen’s decadal budget building a giant lower-case “t.” I won’t spoil the ending for you, but let’s just say that before the holy spirit filled him with this vision, the tapedeck on his Chevy Astrovan used to eat cassette tapes. Afterwards? Well, like I said, I’m not gonna spoil it.
Giant Alabama cross could heal cancer, promises people trying to build said giant cross: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/31/website-for-proposed-230-foot-tall-cross-in-alabama-says-donations-could-lead-to-someone-being-healed-from-cancer/
And in “Jesus Swallows … turns the other cheek, and swallows again” news, Oak Ridge Alliance Church – of Oak Ridge, Tennessee – decided to teach the virtue of forgiveness, with a blow job metaphor on their marquee. The following message adorned the large sign on their front lawn … at least until one single person who’s heard of mouth sex saw it … (quote) “Forgiveness is to swallow when you want to spit.” (end quote) …
It’s a shame more pastors don’t read “The Friendly Atheist” blog because Hemant’s been trying to tell them. Before you go live with the marquee, just run it by one honest fourteen year old.
So I guess … (awful swallowing noise) … Jesus forgives you. And he clearly fellated some dudes against his will, for our sins … So let’s all be grateful … Okay, we did shitting last week … So speaking of blumpkins … Everyone google “blumpkin”, by the way … I’ll wait …
Because the key to a blumpkin is patience. You don’t want to finish before you finish.
Blumpkin Donuts: Breakfast of Champions … Moving on quickly–I’m thinkin’ we give the advertising department over at Oak Ridge Alliance Church, some new ideas for the marquee. We’ll need 30 seconds on the clock … “Religious Euphemisms for Oral Sex” … GO!!!
“Being a Mohel”
“Happy Meals at Chick Fil-A-tio”
“Joshua’s Rusty Trumpet”
“Kneeling Before the Salter”
“The Hobby Lobby Knobby Slobby”… cause I’ve got a belief right here you can “firmly hold”
“Cradling the Holy Sack-rament” … or for the heathens: “Cupping the Baals”
“Tempting the Serpent Right Back”
“Head of the Class in Seminary Fluid Dynamics”
“The Slurpin’ on the Mount”
“Praying to the Foreskin Flute”
“Finding the Little Man in the Ark”
“Ridding Congressional Members of their Boehner” … “Oh what a lovely Tea Party”
“Chrome Your Dome of the Rocks”… “and the rocks”
“Rendering the Tossed Salad Unto Caesar” … AKA “rim Job”
“Kissing the Pope’s other ring”
“Easter Egg McMuff Diving” … No fur burgers until after 11am.
Yeah, because before that she has ‘morning gash’. Anyway… how about “Spreading the word of oh my god?”
“Box Lunch at the Convent: Licking the Habit”
“Gargling in Tongues”
“Playing the Fallopian Tuba Below the Rod and Staff” … Polishing up on scales is the worst … Nobody enjoys …
If you break your Ramadan fast by licking jelly out of an asshole it’s called, “Eid al Shitter”
“Humming Along with the Pipe Organ”
Addition to the list of things I’ve now had to say to my wife because of this show: “It doesn’t have to be blowjobs, though. It can be cunlingus or ass-tonguing as well… or teabagging.”
One of the better church marquees: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/28/this-church-may-want-to-rethink-its-definition-of-forgiveness
And finally tonight, from the “Stand Your Fudge Round” file, the First Baptist Church of Royal Palm Beach has discovered a new way of helping put roofs over the heads of the homeless; you can have them arrested. The inspiration came when a cleaning lady employed by the church caught a homeless man stealing cookies that were meant for the homeless, at which time she called 911 to report the aggravated wafer-mastication. This might sound like an overreaction to some, but keep in mind, we’re talking about Florida, a state where it’s legal to kill somebody for carrying Skittles, so it’s not like normal earth.
“And he had a hoodie … And a shitty drink nobody likes … Arizona?!? Really?!? SNAPPLE PEACH ICED TEA!!! All about the Snapple peach iced tea!!! … What an asshole!!!”
Despite the facts that the church regularly feeds the homeless and the estimated value of “2014’s Great Snickerdoodle Heist” was around two dollars and twenty-five cents, the church elected to press charges, explaining that it was for the vagrant’s own good. They argued on their Facebook page that he wasn’t just eating cookies. He was also drunk or high or something probably. Because he’s homeless. And homeless people take drugs.
“This is a church … You can’t just show up and expect us to hand out tax-break subsidized Jesus cookies every week. That would be crazy.”
Luckily the Palm Beach “Sesame Street Crime Unit” was on hand and acted quickly before any more Oreos could be forcibly bifurcated. There are mixed reports that the perpetrator was on probation at the time for taking extra sips at the 7-11 soda machine, though reports that he could be the infamous Palm Beach “Pie cooling on a windowsill” bandit remain unconfirmed.
Florida church has homeless man arrested for aggravated cookie eating: http://aattp.org/church-insists-on-pressing-charges-after-homeless-man-eats-2-25-worth-of-cookies/
And with the reassurance that this malefactor is behind bars where he belongs, we’ll kind of close the headlines segment for the night. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
And when we come back, we’re gonna still be doing headlines.
This Week in Misogyny:
I’d like to dedicate this week’s segment to one of my all time favorite jews, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who could probably kick Jesus’s ass even at her advanced age.
The wily old Supreme Court Justice is continuing to not shut up about the court’s recent (and horribly misguided) decision in the Hobby Lobby case. Speaking to an audience of law students last week, she pointed out that’s it nifty that some of the guys on the Supreme Court are getting behind the idea of equal rights for the three percent of the population that’s gay; but it would also be nice if they could extend that to the fifty-one percent that aren’t men.
When asked about her charge of hypocrisy from the Roberts court, Chief Justice John Roberts pointed out that she was probably just PMSing or menopausing or whatever.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Hobby Lobby case: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/05/us/as-gays-prevail-in-supreme-court-women-see-setbacks.html?_r=0
But as dismissive as the court is of women’s rights, it turns out that one group of voters is paying attention… women. A new poll by “Hart Research Associates” suggests that the majority of female American voters would not vote for a candidate that supports the Supreme Court’s decision to prioritize the wishes of imaginary men over those of real women. Crazy.
Majority of female voters won’t vote for a candidate that supports Hobby Lobby ruling: http://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/07/25/3464343/female-voters-hobby-lobby-candidates/
But the New York based “Satanic Temple” is seeking to use the errant ruling for the powers of good. Citing their own “religious” belief that science is right and superstition is wrong, they claim that the “informed consent” laws that require women seeking abortions to listen to a religiously-inspired, factually dubious screed about how evil baby-murder is a violation of their religion. Specifically their sincerely held belief that superstition and invasive medical procedures don’t mix.
When reporters asked legal experts about the case, they were doubtful that anything would come of it; to which the Satanic Temple replied, “Reporters asked you about it, didn’t they? Then something came of it.” In other words, of course they’re going to lose this fight. And in so doing they’re going to expose the fact that in today’s legal landscape, corporations are people in ways that people could only dream of, and I’d say that’s a victory.
Satanists try to use Hobby Lobby ruling for the powers of good: http://www.religionnews.com/2014/07/31/satanists-challenge-hobby-lobby-ruling-may-face-legal-hurdles/
And finally tonight, we have something that starts out looking like a glimmer of hope in the middle east, but isn’t. A female anchor on the Saudi news channel Al Ekhbariya appeared on screen boldly showing the top of her head and side-cheek.
But no, this isn’t a step forward… it’s an accident that the network apologized for almost immediately with the explanation that she was broadcasting out of the Infidel city of London, but they’d have been sure to throw some acid on her if she tried that shit back home. And they also promised that it would never happen again.
That being said, if you want one bad enough, I suppose you can find a glimmer of hope in Saudi Arabia. For instance, over the last few years, women have been permitted to work as cashiers at supermarkets and lingerie shops, so who knows, maybe we’ll see bicycling without a chaperone in our lifetimes.
Female Anchor on Saudi TV doesn’t wear headscarf. Paternalistic assholes outraged: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/05/female-anchor-saudi-tv-no-headscarf_n_5651850.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion
That’s not all the misogyny I’ve got for the week, but it is all the time I’ve got, so I’ll hand things over to Noah and Heath so they can undermine the point of this segment with a few rape jokes.
Rejoining me for an abbreviated additional headlines segment tonight is noun. Noun, preposition pronoun adjective?
Alright then. From the “I Bet it’s not Really Gourmet” file tonight, Mary’s Gourmet Diner in Winston-Salem, North Carolina got an impromptu social-media ad campaign this week when their policy of offering a 15% discount to people who pray before they eat. While the people getting the discount seem thrilled, others have pointed out that it’s thinly veiled bigotry. The diner’s management dismiss those charges by pointing out that it’s not that they’re charging atheists more, they’re just charging Christians less. So it’s not discrimination, it’s just… regular scrimination.
Maybe Christians can use that money for good somehow … Hmmm??? What can you do with 15 percent of the bill at the end of a meal … Buy thousands of tiny pamphlets, and give them to restaurant workers??? … They’ll come up with something.
15% off for talking to yourself: http://www.hlntv.com/article/2014/07/31/restaurant-praying-discount-marys-gourmet-diner?hpt=hp_t4
And in “Geico Offers Atheist Discount” news, <Geico joke fresh off the 15% off joke… he’s on fire!> Indiana motorists Prionda Hill and Anthony Oliveri were almost murdered by God in Fort Wayne last month, when the deity hijacked Hill’s Pontiac Grand Prix … then either merged badly or briefly stopped existing … and finally proceeded to drive it over Oliveri’s motorcycle and adjacent sprawling human body. Does collision cover acts of god?
If Jesus loved you, you wouldn’t be driving a Pontiac, living in Indiana or named “Prionda.”
God’s worse at driving than women: http://www.inquisitr.com/1365065/woman-lets-god-drive-car-anthony-oliveri
And in “Now Why Will Congressman Check into Sleazy Motels?” news, assistant House Whip Steven Palazzo went all Gideon last week and sent bibles to all 535 members of Congress, including the token Muslim. The bibles came with a letter encouraging all legislators to let god’s word preempt petty mortal things like statistics and expert recommendations when it comes to making life and death decisions for their constituents.
That’s nice and everything, but it’s a little too late for Gabrielle Giffords to wear a Bible attached to her face. She’s not even in Congress anymore. Late – awkward.
…quitter. Speaking on behalf of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, Barry Lynn suggested perhaps Palazzo consult a slightly more modern guide to governance that his fellow Tea-Party members ejaculate about almost as often as the bible. You know, that founding document that protects your right to bring your elephant gun to Target? That’s the one.
Republican whip sends bibles to every member of congress: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/08/05/republican-whip-sends-bible-to-every-member-of-congress-to-help-them-with-decision-making/
And in “Poophole Loophole 2.0″ news … It’s been over a year and a half since Washington State cleverly legalized gay marriage and marijuana on the same day, thus allowing men to lie together and get stoned, like Leviticus teaches. Colorado already has the weed taken care of, but thanks to a recent homophobic ruling by the state supreme court, they won’t yet have the gay marriage part. So for now, it’s just a bunch of dudes standing around getting stoned. Couch? Love seat?
I was picturing “giant champagne glass-shaped hot tub filled with vaseline,” but I usually am.
Colorado attempts to complete 2nd leg of Washington’s trick from below: http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/07/29/colorado-gay-marriages-halted/13331771 <<AND>> Washington State’s 2012 Leviticus Trick: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/pot-possession-same-sex-marriage-officially-legal-in-washington-state
And in “Learning to Count with Herpes Simplexes” news tonight, a quick update to last week’s herpetic jewish pedophile story. You’ll recall us talking last week about two babies contracting genital herpes from having their recently mutilated cocks orally massaged by grown men with festering mouth sores. Well, it turns out that the Orthodox Jewish community has taken action and banned these two particular disease-ridden rabbis from sucking baby cock. They’ll have other, less viral people suck the baby cock like civilized human beings, so glad to see that they learned their lesson.
Great … They’re gonna take this on a case by case basis … “If a baby gets syphilis, we’ll ban syphilis. Very simple.”
Herpetic Mohels banned: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/05/jewish-mohels-banned_n_5650672.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And with that we’re gonna actually close headlines for the night. Heath, thanks again.
I’ll be honest, I was surprised you were ready to go again so soon. Not bad for a guy your age. You can make up for a lot with good girth and good reboot time.
And when we come back we almost certainly won’t still be doing headlines.
Last name, first name, middle initial?
Christ, Jesus H.
Are you the Jesus H. Christ?
…no. That’s some other guy.
Okay. Here’s your number. If you’d like to take a look at some of these pamphlets while you’re waiting.
Do you have them in Aramaic?
Is that what the terrorist language?
(Seat creaks, papers rattle)
Psst… hey buddy, you here for the defensive driving course?
So… what did you do?
Took the wheel for some crazy bitch in Indiana and creamed a motorcyclist.
“Christ, Jesus H.”
Good luck, buddy.
My name is Edward McKinnon, I’ll be your driving instructor today. Are you ready for your exam?
Yeah, I guess. I just don’t understand why everybody’s making such a big deal about this. I’ve been driving since there were cars for my sake.
Look buddy, the only reason you’re not sitting in a jail cell right now is because your dad has connections. At the time of the accident your blood alcohol level was “wine”.
It started as water…
Follow me, please.
(Door opens, outdoor noises)
Which car is yours, Mr. Christ?
The one over there with the me-fish…
Is that tint legal?
Through a glass darkly, baby.
(doors open and close) (throat clear) (car starts)
Um… I resurrect so I don’t know if that’s exactly necessary.
It’s the law.
Even if you’re immortal?
It’s the law.
Has this vehicle passed emissions testing?
Trust me, that’s not gonna matter. Where we goin?
Now, I want you to pull out of this parking lot and make a left at the stop sign.
And away we go…
(Turn signal noise)
You can disengage the turn signal now.
Easy for a guy with no holes in his hand to say. One second. (Squishy sound)
Now maintain this lane until you reach the…
(Window rolls down)
…There’s no need to… hey, you can’t stick your head out the window while you’re driving!
(honking) “I love me, baby!”
Get back in here!
Sorry… the bumper sticker, right? How could I not?
Could you please roll the window back up?
Okay, but first check this out. I stick my hand out the window and…
Very amusing, Mr. Christ. Now please roll up the window.
(Window rolls up)
You’ll want to slow down. The speed limit in this area is 45.
Slow down, Mr. Christ. There’s water on the road up there.
I invented hydroplaning, dude.
(Squealing tires, Car crashes)
So… did I pass?
Are you fucking kidding me!? You broke every driving law we have… you’re clearly inebriated and I’ve got a crossing guard’s sign sticking through my intestines! Of course you didn’t pass!
Are you sure about that? Because that wound looks pretty severe…
What are you trying to say?
It would just be a shame if I suddenly unforgave you.
You heartless bastard!
Dad! Eddie McKinnon called me a…
Alright! Damn it, you pass.
Apology accepted. Tell uncle Pete I said “hi.”
What the fuck is… Wicca?
Wicca began in the 1950s as an attempt by horny men to see more naked women, and has since morphed into a means by which horny spiritualists of both genders can ogle one anothers genitals.
While most Wiccans will tell you the faith dates back tens of thousands of years, the truth is that they’re full of shit. The faith began in the early fifties and was first referenced in works by Gerald Gardner beginning in 1954. Additional authors with increasingly absurd pen names have continued to develop the faith over the past six decades to create an impossibly garbled web of nonsense and deepities.
Because of this lack of centralization, the definition and beliefs of Wiccans vary greatly from region to region, coven to coven and individual to individual. These differences are largely overlooked within the neo-pagan community because they’re all too stoned to give a shit and most of them are going to give up on this silly Wicca thing by the time they’re twenty-six anyway.
There are a few core beliefs that can be found in almost all iterations of Wicca. One is the duotheistic nature of their theology and an emphasis on both male and female aspects of god. Many if not most Wiccans tend to focus the majority of their worship on the goddess figure because she’s the one with the boobs.
Another common tenet of the faith is an open and progressive attitude toward sex. Nudity, sex and masturbation play an integral part in many Wiccan rituals, and while their attitude is a welcome contrast to the prudery of most religious traditions, in practice sex-positive is often utterly indistinguishable with sex-coercive.
At its core, Wicca is a nature religion, worshipping trees, flowers, insects and other things that look trippy when you’re on acid. This is often expressed in a dangerously stupid belief in herbal therapies, nonsense-based medical treatments; and gross misapplications of the word “energy.”
But the most visible aspect of Wicca is their belief in ritual magic. Just in case nobody was going to make fun of them, Wiccans have a series of what they call “elemental weapons” which include a magic wand, a magic knife, a handful of polyhedral dice and a character sheet. They use these weapons to call upon spirits such as the “Undines of the East,” the “Sylphs of the North,” the “Salamanders of the South,” and I’m serious.
Wicca draws upon both misinterpretations of ancient pagan rituals and misinterpretations of modern hermetic rituals in an attempt to multiply bullshit by horseshit. This leads to a convoluted ritual structure that is impossible to take seriously even by those performing it. In fact, the simple ability to utter phrases like “I banish you, Salamanders of the South,” with a straight face is the single qualification for the title of “Wiccan High Priest.”
Of course, you can’t have a serious discussion of the Wiccan faith without bringing up the strong lunar influence in their beliefs, so I won’t.
“Run grab yer young ‘uns, folks! It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible stories for Kids!”
Gather round, boys and girls. Today we’re gonna open our bibles to the book of Judges and learn about one of the Old Testament’s most admirable mass murderers, Samson. And like all good biblical heroes, Samson tortures animals, massacres the innocent, vandalizes property, cons his friends, treats his wife like shit and racks up a huge body count.
But before any of that happened… in fact, even before he was born, an angel came to his mother. Or at least, that’s what his mother told his father when his impotent father came home and found his wife pregnant. But Samson’s father doubted his wife’s tale, which is the last time in this entire story that somebody will act in accordance with logic.
The angel told his mother that Samson would be a “Nazirite,” which meant that he had special magical Jew-powers as long as he never cut his hair. So Samson grew up to be a super-strength scraggly hippy and eventually his balls dropped and he set off to find some sweet Philistine ass. He saw a woman named Timnah in town and decided she looked young and moist, so he headed to her house to ask for her hand in marriage.
But along the way, Samson was attacked by a lion because sometimes the bible follows the Michael Bay rule of random action beats. So Samson kicked the lion’s ass and tore it into pieces because dismembering animals is very heroic. Then he went to Timnah’s house and she agreed to marry him. But on the way home to tell his parents the good news, he came back across the shredded corpse of the lion he’d fought and while he was gone, some silly bees had built a nest in it’s rancid intestines!
Well, like anybody would if they came across a bee’s nest in a rotting carcass, he decided to eat a handful of honey out of it and files the moment away in case he ever needed to stump thirty Philistines with a riddle.
So a few days later, Samson was at a party and needed to stump thirty Philistines with a riddle, so he said, “I bet you can’t guess what I ate some honey out of,” and while the Philistines explained that that wasn’t exactly a riddle, Samson went on to promise them all nice new clothes if they could figure out the answer.
But Samson made the mistake of trusting a woman. He told his fiancee the answer and she told it to the thirty Philistines. So they came back and demanded all the nice new clothes Samson had promised them. But Samson was as clever as he was homicidal so instead of buying new clothes, he just killed thirty random people, stripped them naked and gave the Philistines their clothes.
He also decided he didn’t want his wife anymore so he gave her to a friend. But then he changed his mind and decided he wanted her after all. But it was too late because his friend was already dicking her.
Samson was very angry so he set a couple of foxes on fire and sent them running through her family’s farms, burning all the food they would need to stay alive over the winter. Needless to say, they were very upset and went to Samson’s family and demanded he be turned over for justice.
Well, they turned him over alright. They tied him up and gave him to an army of innocent people who were just doing their job to keep the peace. But Samson broke through his binds, grabbed the discarded jawbone of a donkey and murdered all of them with it. And it must have been pretty gruesome because if you think about it, the only way to logically kill somebody with a jawbones is to gouge their eyes out, stick it in their ear or cram it up their ass. So it probably got pretty messy.
But just when all the homicide was going so well for Samson, along came a woman named Delilah. And like pretty much all the women who come along in bible stories, she was bad news. But Samson didn’t care because she had a vagina. But even better, she was into kinky bondage and discipline stuff, like when a mommy crams a ball gag into a daddy’s mouth and whips his scrotum with a riding crop.
But little did he know, her kink was actually a clever ploy to capture him and make him dance like a monkey. So after a couple of really obvious failed attempts to discover his kryptonite, Samson eventually tells her that he would be completely powerless if he cut his hair. So she cut his hair. Because women in the bible are pretty much always evil. Or raped. Or killed. Or all three.
So once he was sporting the Patrick Stewart look, Delilah helped the Philistines capture him and poke out his eyes. And then they chained him up so people could come and throw shit at him. But they kept him chained up so long that eventually his hair grew back and he pulled the building down from within, killing himself, Delilah and all the evil people who had captured him. And nobody lived happily ever after because they were all crushed to death.
It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback. This is the part of the show where we answer questions, correct errors, feign apologies and offer superfluous explanations of what “listener feedback” means.
Our first message comes in the form of a correction. We already spent a big chunk of a feedback segment clarifying our story about Liberty University’s new medical program, but Danny writes us to point a mistake we missed. I got the city right (Lynchburg) but I got the state wrong. As Danny points out, (quote)
“It’s not Lynchburg, Tennessee, (home of pretty good bourbon), but rather Lynchburg, Virginia, (home of not much).
And I’d also like to preemptively correct Danny’s correction by pointing out that Jack Daniels is a long way from “pretty good bourbon.”
Yes, so one more time, because this is important. It’s the place named after murdering black people in Virginia, not the place named after murdering black people in Tennessee.
Our next email comes from Mr. “A Color” from “A Place” emails to ask why I’m so much more of a podcast whore than Heath. He writes;
“I hear you a lot of the time on other podcasts such as Cognitive Dissonance, and The Imaginary Friend Show, but usually Heath doesn’t appear. Just curious as to why that is.”
Would you invite me to say words on your show?!? Noah edits out about 95 percent of the things I say. You guys only hear the clean stuff … That being said, I am capable of lifting my hand from the third rail if needed, so if invited, I’d be happy to appear on other shows more often in the future, when I can more easily afford to devote the extra time. And generous patreons can help make that happen.
So for the record, Heath and I split all the money that doesn’t go to new equipment or hosting down the middle. Patreon, PayPal, the book… 50/50. That being said, since he’s in New York and I’m in Podunk, Georgia, I can pay my rent, my utilities, my insurance, my cable, my phone bill, my Guatemalan masseuse, buy a months worth of groceries and an eight ball for the same amount Heath pays to share an apartment with two other dudes.
So all I can afford beyond the rent, is the masseuses and the eight balls. New Yorkers learn to make sacrifices.
Anyway, end result is that I’m able to do this full time, Heath still has a real job, so I’m a lot easier to schedule for other appearances. That and everybody’s afraid Heath will make AIDS jokes… in a bad way.
And finally, we had a Facebook message from one of earth’s top eleven people, April, asking for advice on dealing with the cookie-baking Christians Noah talked about in his diatribe a couple of weeks ago. Specifically, she wondered how to respond when a sweet old lady at work says, “It’s okay, honey, god loves you.”
So I guess this has top ten written all over it, huh?
For April? Anything. So top ten answers to a sweet old lady telling you god loves you.
- 10 – “I know, but sometimes I feel like it’s only for my dick.”
- 9 – “If he really loved me, he’d bring me some milk… and the Crown Royal bag in my glove compartment … Thanks old lady!!!”
- 8 – “Sure didn’t seem like it when he burned my tongue with that communion wafer.”
- 7 – “God loves me?!? … Uhhh … And I really love … hanging out with God.”
- 6 – “Yeah, but that slut loves everybody.”
- 5 – “Write me a check for seven dollars, and I might love him back.”
- 4 – “I’m sorry, did you say ‘Gollum’s a Jew?’”
- 3 – “But he sure doesn’t love the coloreds … Am I right, old lady?!? … She knows.”
- 2 – “Then why does he always want to fuck me from behind?”
- 1 – “Allah akbar. Go away.”
And that’s all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending those Tweets, emails, Facebook messages, and blog comments.
Before we get to the prestige tonight, I wanted to encourage you one more time to check out Adam’s site and give if you can. It’s a great opportunity to help an atheist that needs your help. Again, you can find links to donate on our homepage, along with links to episodes of his show where you find more details about Iman’s story. Oh, and incidentally, if the Ray Comfort sketch tested your bladder, that’s Adam’s fault so be sure to direct your anger (and stream) toward him on that one.
That’s all we’ve got for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more. Like I mentioned in the Feedback segment, I’m a bit of a podcast whore so when Thomas from Atheistically Speaking invited me on to talk about the situation in Gaza I didn’t let my downright embarrassing lack of expertise slow me down. You can find our conversation on episodes 55 and 56 of his show, both of which you’ll find linked on the shownotes and transcript for this episode.
I also need to thank Lucinda for knocking another Bible Story out of the park as well as all the other contributions she makes to the show every week. Of course I need to thank Heath for bringing his endearing breed of faux-bigotry and shit jokes to this enterprise; definitely couldn’t make this show happen every week without him.
Of course, I also need to thank Adam for joining us tonight and I need to thank Chuck, Willie and “little monkey Chuck” from “Chuck and Willie’s Book of Mormon Stories” podcast. If you just can’t get enough “Damn are Mormons wacky” in your life, you’ll find a link to their podcast on the shownotes as well.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s best people; Stephen, Roger, Thomas, Jeremiah, Johanna, Gerard, Tony, Daniel, Matt and David. Stephen, Roger and Thomas, who are so virile they have to put a condom on when they sext; Jeremiah, Johanna and Gerard, who are so clever they just convinced Muhammad that mountains are overrated; and Tony, Daniel, Matt and David, whose mighty fists are measured in Sharknados per meter squared.
Together these ten august, benevolent, charitable, distinguished, extraordinary, fucktastic, gracious, honorable individuals aided our quest to decimate the decalogue this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the alphabetical list of positive attributes required to give us money, but if you think you’re up for the challenge, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com; which will earn you bonus stuff; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage.
Also, there’s one donor who I forgot to thank a couple weeks ago. They got in touch with me and I filed it away in my head to compliment the shit out of them tonight, but then I couldn’t remember if they got in touch through email or Twitter or Facebook or Patreon or the Blog or what and I couldn’t find the message when I was putting together this week’s outro. So a thousand apologies. Please send me one last email and I will let the world now how incredibly above average your genitals are.
And, of course, you can also help us a ton for free by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or checking us out on Stitcher. And apparently leaving a review on Stitcher is a huge pain in the ass so don’t worry so much about that, but if you like to listen on the go, definitely check us out on Stitcher and help push our rank up there.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the final episode due to time constraints.
If you’d like to volunteer your artistic skills to Peter Boghossian’s app, email email@example.com
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Warning: When it comes to profanity, we don’t fuck around.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Brain-O, the new home-chemical lobotomy system for Christians who are too smart for their own good?
Did some damn atheist point out one of the numerous logical contradictions in your doctrine? Did you suddenly realize that many of the traditional attributes of god are mutually exclusive? Did you make the mistake of actually reading the bible and now you can’t get the horror of it all out of your head? Well then try clearing your neuronal pathways with Brain-O.
Brain-O: Just like logical refutations of faith, it goes in one ear and out the other.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s July 31st,
And FOX channel’s famous doctor is named after a wizard imposter.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from a city so fast-paced it has it’s own minute, New York, New York,
And one so slow-paced it has it’s own century, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
- Two more brisses go viral on the Jew tubes,
- The FFRF will use its one initial advantage to defeat the IRS,
- And Michele Bachman and Sarah Palin are never in the same room, are they? …
But first, the Diatribe…
I’m still kind of pissed at the world for not giving me super powers. Can’t fly… can’t summon fireballs, no telepathy, no invisibility. I mean, what the hell? I’d mostly use them for the forces of good. I’d fight crime… like especially parking violations and failure to yield. But no. No super powers.
Reality sucks. I want magic.
But not enough to pretend it exists when I know it doesn’t. And that’s the real difference between us and them, isn’t it? We all want eternal life in paradise and the ability to summon magical forces to come to our aid in times of distress. None of us actually have that shit, but we all want it. And some of us want it so bad that we’re willing to do anything to protect the illusion that it’s really there.
I’ve seen this up close and personal. When I was a younger man I was into all the spiritual witchcrafty tarot card nonsense and it amazed me how far people were willing to go to pretend they’d just witnessed something magical. I went to these gatherings, right? Couple dozen Wiccans all joining together in a rite to summon some thing or something. And invariably nothing would happen. And just as invariably, everybody would spend the rest of the night talking about what happened.
Now, we all knew nothing happened. We all just witnessed nothing happening. But for some reason, we would say stuff like, “I could really feel its presence,” or “I don’t know about you guys, but I really saw those pentagrams vividly.” Now, you can tell by the way it’s phrased that the dude saying it didn’t see shit. Right? Because if you actually saw something, you’d just say, “Remember when those magical pentagrams materialized in the air? That was pretty sweet.” You wouldn’t preempt it by saying, “I understand entirely if I was the only one who witnessed the thing that happened, since, you know, when everyone is looking at something sometimes only one person sees the thing, right? That makes sense, right? But I saw the thing that I’m not surprised if you didn’t see.”
Same thing with Tarot readings. I would make some vague predictions and some high-probability guesses. I would utter a few deepities and say stuff that everybody wants to believe about themselves and the whole time I knew I was just making shit up, and I figured it was pretty damn transparent. But people were always willing to bend over backwards to pretend they’d just witnessed something divine; something unexplainable; something that offers some vestige of hope that they themselves can still one day have super powers.
If you waste a piece of your life reading any of the neopagan books on magic and spiritualism, you’ll see the cognitive gymnastics right away. They’ll start by redefining magic down to the point where scratching your taint is an act of wizardry and then they’ll teach you how to scratch your taint. It’s amazing the kind of metrics these books offer. For some strange reason, every possible way to measure the success of your “magick” (and I spelled that with a K so it’s less bullshity now) are internal. They’re all things that you can’t measure objectively. “You’ll feel calmer,” or “You may feel a strange presence or the feeling that you’re being watched.” And it gets worse. “You’ll have greater luck,” or “You’ll avoid a calamity the next day,” or, and I swear this is real, “The world will be more peaceful.”
But just in case even these fluffy excuses for measurement are too specific, they also like to spend a lot of time pre-excusing your failures. You might have done it in the wrong phase of the moon. Perhaps there were some negative spiritual energies you hadn’t exorcised properly. Perhaps your personal chi flow was interrupted or your chakras were misaligned. So your unmeasurable success is also dependent on unmeasurable variables. That’s convenient.
Funny how this shit doesn’t happen with science. Funny how you never bring your phone in and the dude asks if your chakras were aligned last time you used it. The thing with the baking soda and the vinegar works in any lunar phase, negative spiritual entities be damned. Because science is real. And it’s actually happening.
Now, at the beginning of this whole thing, I lamented that I couldn’t fly or summon fireballs or communicate telepathically or turn invisible, but in truth science has already knocked out the first two, smart phones have alleviated the need for the third, and believe me, they’re working on that last one. And when you get in an airplane or turn on your cellphone, you don’t have to “truly believe” that it’ll work. You don’t have to utter a quick banishment or cast a circle of salt around it. Because it’s real and it really works.
And you don’t have to be brilliant to see that the things that are real are fundamentally different than the things that aren’t. I think we all more or less recognize the difference between magic and reality, it’s just that some of us don’t seem to care. Some of us think it’s perfectly okay to believe things that are absurdly wrong if we feel like it’s a good thing to believe. That’s the axiomatic difference between atheists and believers. Between rationalists and spiritualists.
I recently had a believer sum it up like this. She said, “If I thought I had a fatal disease and it prompted me to set things right in my life and cross a bunch of stuff off my bucket list, and then it turns out that I didn’t have that disease, ultimately I would have benefited from believing something was wrong.”
Seems like a strange example to use, in my mind. I mean, sure, you forgive and kiss your mom and go to Paris and go skydiving; that’s exactly what would happen in a novel with two white people almost kissing each other on the cover, but I’m not sure it would really play out like that. I mean, all the joys of mistakenly thinking you’re going to die may have been exaggerated.
But even if she’d chosen a better example, it wouldn’t change the fact that you’re always better off in the long run knowing the truth. Sure, it might be comforting for a while not to know your dog’s dead, but eventually you’re gonna start thinking about what a couple of dicks your parents are for sending your favorite dog to live on some farm without asking you first. And what the hell, can’t we at least go visit him? We go upstate sometimes.
But some people would rather lie to each other, lie to their children, and lie to themselves to protect this useless illusion that somehow we can bypass all the aerodynamics and stuff and just go all Superman. And they don’t seem to recognize that if everyone actually believed that we’d never have bothered to build an airplane. In other words, if you pretend your problems are solved, you’ve got no motivation to solve them.
And quite frankly, none of us should have to defend the proposition that believing true stuff matters.
Joining me for headlines tonight is your sherpa up mount improbable, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to sherp?
Sure. All the upscale podcasts have personal sherping.
In our lead story tonight, American Atheist launched the Virgo Supercluster’s first ever all-atheism TV network on Tuesday, offering countless hours of archived programming including the Richard Dawkins Foundation’s entire video library as well as the more than fifty years of historical atheist videos in American Atheist’s vault.
Not sure if America is ready for reality shows with reality, but I’m glad they’re trying.
The network is available through Roku, a digital streaming service that’s kind of like cable except it generally works and the contract you enter into with them doesn’t give them the right to face rape your first born child. The channel offers the choice of on-demand or scheduled programming, including atheist speeches, stand-up comedy, documentaries, and science programming.
If they included the Patton Oswalt “Sky Cake” bit, I’d call the channel a success … Now normally my googling suggestions are much … pussy-er … more fluids … but this one is worthy nonetheless. Everyone google “Patton Oswalt Sky Cake” and watch the video. Hilarious!!! Or just get Roku and hopefully you can watch him on secular TV!!!
If you don’t have Roku, you can still check out the live-stream online. You’ll find the link to that site on the shownotes for this episode. And incidentally, if anybody from American Atheists is listening and they’re looking for somebody to anchor their eleven o’clock risque atheist news-satire comedy program, I know just the guy.
Actually, now that you mention it, yeah.
American Atheist launches “Atheist TV” http://atheists.org/atheisttv
And from the “If they’re gonna keep blowing infants and giving them herpes, then we’re gonna keep mentioning it” file … mohels keep blowing infants and giving them herpes. Last week, the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene – no doubt working closely with the SVU team – discovered two new cases of newborns getting herpes from the normally trustworthy dude, who goes around town mutilating baby dick for money.
You know, I’m sick and tired of a couple of bad baby-cocksuckers ruining the otherwise sterling reputation of the industry. What do people want? If you’re gonna mutilate a baby’s dick the least you could give him is a happy ending.
In case you’ve missed our coverage of this exact same problem happening before … And yes, that means babies getting herpes in the past, did not lead to any behavior changes … Here’s a little context for you. It’s standard practice in certain Jewish communities to welcome newborn boys into the world by cutting off a piece of their penis with a knife, at which point the mutilation specialist briefly fellates the baby – just the tip – sucking blood from the open wound.
But they aren’t pervs about it… they spit.
Doesn’t this seem like the type of situation where a baby’s right to his entire penis, and his right to choose a less slutty dude to blow him … Or no dudes at all??? … Don’t those basic human rights seem to outweigh the free exercise rights of herpes-enabling parents??? Somehow the answer in ‘No’. Unfortunately for babies dying of brain damage, Ultra-orthodox Jewish people have been corporations since long before Citizens United and Hobby Lobby.
And I think it’s important to stress that the “dying of brain damage” thing isn’t just an offensive joke about the mental faculties of Orthodox Jews; that’s actually a common result of this. There have been 16 reported cases of Rabbis giving babies herpes by sucking their bloody cocks in the last 14 years. Two of them resulted in death and two more in severe brain damage. And in case you’re curious, no, nobody believes for a second that the 16 reported cases represent even a majority of the actual incidents.
Can’t help but picture a mohel’s wife getting pissed at him … She finds a mysterious wad of cash in his laundry … “You bastard!!! Where’s all this from?!? … How many BABY DICKS did have to suck to get all this cash?!?” … Throws a handful of shekels in his face.
But not in a row …
Two more brisses go viral: https://www.vocativ.com/culture/health-culture/herpes-bris-new-york
And from the “If they didn’t have their dicks in your ass, they’d be the External Revenue Service” file tonight, the IRS has reached an agreement with the FFRF by which the FFRF will drop their pending lawsuit and the IRS will maybe start doing it’s job but not definitely. We hope this agreement puts a capstone on a story we’ve been covering since episode 17 of this show, known as Pulpit Freedom Sunday, in which pastors and preachers knowingly and blatantly break the law, videotape themselves doing it, send those videos to the IRS and dare them to do something about it.
Yeah, and as much as you’d think this means they get served with an audit, I guess there’s nothing the IRS can do but dance back, and send them the response video.
The law, of course, forbids a tax-free institution from publicly endorsing political candidates and telling their members how to vote. Religious leaders have ignored this provision for decades, and the IRS was happy to oblige their ignorance until the FFRF reminded them that the non-religious people were looking. After a failed attempt to get the lawsuit thrown out and an equally failed attempt to convince themselves they could win it, they eventually settled the suit by agreeing to do the job they exist to do.
But they’re not even doing that!!! They’re agreeing to maybe in the future finally abide by a 2009 ruling (based on a 1954 ruling) that said the IRS needs to have someone on staff to monitor illegal political actions by tax-exempt charities. But why the fuck is this person even necessary?!? Just use your regular staff, and TAX THEM!!! No more laws being broken, and preachers can keep endorsing whatever Tea-Bagging theocrat they want.
It’s worth noting that the agreement can’t be acted upon immediately because there’s a federal moratorium on IRS audits of 501(3)c organizations at the moment due to the ongoing Republican attempt to prove that Obama is a gay, Kenyan, Muslim, revolutionary, communist felon. This means that we won’t actually know if the IRS is going to abide by the agreement for some time, but we’ll be keeping an eye on the story and hopefully the next chapter will include a bunch of audited churches and uniformed rants about the first amendment.
IRS agrees to maybe do it’s job: http://www.thenewamerican.com/usnews/constitution/item/18793-irs-agrees-to-atheist-group-s-demands-to-monitor-sermons
And in “Why do all these shiny gay kettles look like me?” news, Congressional Republican Michele Bachmann – during a recent appearance on conservative Christian radio show, Faith and Liberty – warned that homosexuals are pursuing legislation to legalize pedophilia and polygamy. Obviously, expanding this exemption to gays would pose a serious threat to the near-monopolies currently held by Catholics and Mormons respectively … And that’s a big problem for Bachmann and her constituency.
Yeah, this push for the right to enter into a legally recognized monogamous relationship is such a transparent ploy to have ever more sexual partners. It’s a good thing Michele is there to see through the bullshit for us.
So like a pitcher noticing a perfect game in the 3rd inning – except the exact opposite – Bachmann did her best to keep the precisely wrong streak rolling … by expressing fear of another legislative lobbying move by the gays … This time, to break into the “protected hate speech” and “tyranny” markets. Once again, Christian monopoly territory … toes … stepping.
“Afore you know it, them fudge-packing fagots will be insulting us!”
Then she addressed the marriage issue … (quote) “For all of the thousands of years of recorded human history, about 5,000 years, there is no instance of any culture, nation or tribe ever having as the established standard for marriage anything other than between man and woman. It may have been multiple women and a man, it may have been something like that, but it was always between men and women.” (end quote) … I can’t- … even … You wanna take this one???
If she was serious about this traditionalism she should have died during childbirth. “Throughout the whole 6000 year history of our universe, people have died from cholera! How dare you not die from cholera now!”
Ok – ninth inning … Does she have one more? Indeed. She didn’t forget to add that legalized gay marriage is (quote) “denial of equal protection to all Americans” (end quote) … Denial of equal protection … So the repeal of DOMA ruined the word “marriage” for straight couples, similar to the way the 13th Amendment ruined the word “people” for whites.
And in private, I’m sure she’d agree.
Michele Bachmann: Atheist gay liberals to abolish churches and monopolize pedophilia: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/michele-bachmann-gays-want-let-adults-freely-prey-little-children-sexually
And from the “No, Seriously, shit on my bible” file tonight, the scientarians over at “Forever Bible” are claiming that they’ve finally made the bible as hard to destroy as it is to read. They promise a “nearly indestructible” bible and boast that now the bible can resist stains, rips, water and fraying as well as it resists scientific advancement and logical extrapolation.
It’s about fucking time they made a two-ply version. I’m chafing like an idiot over here.
The impossible to distinguish from a parody Kickstarter video associated with the book shows a series of young, active bible readers camping, hiking and literally surfing while reading their bibles. This precedes my favorite shot, which is a bible being horribly desecrated with mud, ice cream, sprinkles and an enigmatic seashell before being lovingly hosed off. And while I’ll admit the easy clean pages probably help in Song of Solomon, I’m not sure how important they are the rest of the time.
At the very least, it lightens up the loads for the guy who cleans the confessionals. Quick, easy mop up.
Despite the fact that the Kickstarter campaign has yet to reach its goal for R&D, the finished product they hope to eventually invent is miraculously already for sale on their website. Equally miraculous is the claim that the bible is at once completely non-degradable and environmentally friendly. Because sure. future generations will be finding our plastics until the sun goes out, but at least when they examine the plastic it won’t endorse slavery.
Kickstarter campaign for “indestructible bible” actually making money: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/23/kickstarter-backed-indestructible-bible-uses-space-age-nanotechnology/
And in “Mathematics has an atheist bias” news, a recent article on conservative site Campus Reform reported angrily that a core class at Ohio State University teaches that Christians are dumber than atheists … which is only really true if you say it more tactfully. And, nobody at OSU even said that anyway.
Well, not as part of a class, anyway. I’m sure it’s been uttered by many a biology professor over the years.
But if someone did want to say “Christians are dumber than atheists” … here’s how they would support that claim with evidence … Recent studies (and common sense) show a positive correlation between lack of religiosity and higher IQ. So less god, more IQ. Statistical fact …
But if hearing that bothers you as a Christian, that’s totally understandable … Because you’re likely less intelligent, and therefore confused by numerical principles.
Right. What do you expect when you have a group of people who can’t quite pin down the concepts of “three” and “one?”
So the non-controversy centers specifically, around the following badly-written homework question from a psychology class: (quote) “Theo has an IQ of 100 and Aine has an IQ of 125. Which of the following statements [would] you expect to be true?”
A) Aine is an atheist, while Theo is a Christian.
B) Aine earns less money than Theo.
C) Theo is more liberal than Aine.
D) Theo is an atheist, while Aine is a Christian.
Can I answer (E) Theo misspells shit and uses the improper form of “your” when he bitches at people on Facebook? Or is that just a restatement of A?
So given existing data mentioned earlier, choice A) is the only reasonable assumption based on the very small amount of information you have about the two people. So yes, the question is a terribly constructed way to engage an extremely simple statistical concept. But regardless, a reasonable gambler would always bet on A). And that was the point of the question.
C’mon, they gave the Christian three digits and that’s already pretty generous.
According to an anonymous student in the class … let’s call her Alice … According to Alice: (quote) “I understand that colleges have a liberal spin on things so it didn’t surprise me to see the question [...] But how can you really measure which religion has a higher IQ?” … (Probably IQ tests) … So based on what Alice just said, and the studies mentioned earlier … Is she more likely to be: A) a highly intelligent atheist … or B) a slow-witted creationist??? Or even simpler … same question, based on nothing but the choices.
Atheists are smarter than religious people, but it’s not a nice thing to say: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/24/no-an-ohio-state-class-did-not-teach-that-christians-are-dumber-than-atheists
And in “Pin Your Flatulence on the Demon” news tonight, founder of the Holy Fire Ministries and prolific consumer of Vaseline Bert Farias has finally cracked the age-old scientific question of what the demons that possess gay people to make them want to fuck the wrong gender smell like. And it turns out, it’s (quote) “bad” (end quote) In fact, gayness demons smell so bad that (and I swear this is a quote) “other demons don’t even like to hang around them.”
Well this is news! Most gay people think they’re possessed by potpourri and lilac demons … So this should turn some heads … “Demons are like mustaches … You can tell the gay ones by the smell.”
So how does Farias know what sodomy demons smell like? Well, as if his claimed source of a (quote) “genuine prophet of god” (end quote) wasn’t enough, he also offered additional evidence in the form of an unrelated excerpt from a third hand account of an Iron Age jewish fable. Particularly, the part in Mark where Jesus casts 2000 demons out of some dude and sends them into a bunch of pigs. And apparently the pigs didn’t want the demons in them so they drown themselves in the sea. And from this, Farias has made the logical extrapolation that, considering how much pigs hate smelly things like garbage, feces and themselves, it must have been the rancid stench of the demons that drove the pigs to mass suicide.
Pastor: Gay people are possessed by fart-demons: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/gays-are-possessed-putrid-smelling-demons-even-pigs-wont-tolerate
And finally tonight, from the “Top of the Republican Agenda” file, GOP candidate for the Colorado House Gordon Klingenschmitt announced on his televangelism show last week that post-op trannies should still have to use their pre-op public restroom … And if elected as a representative for District 15, he promises to fix this broken system.
When all I need to do to turn your name into the definition of a dingleberry is take away the M, avoid giving me shit-related headlines. Easy rule to live by. It’s probably in Leviticus somewhere.
So his logic goes something like this … In Deuteronomy 23, it says that men with severed penes cannot enter the assembly of the lord. Or if it’s crushed … like by a boulder … still there, but all flat … That’s also a no-go. Therefore, if I misinterpret “assembly of the lord” to mean “all churches and public restrooms ever”, I can make myself feel better about being a bigoted asshole by telling myself that God approves.
So… is he saying that transexuals should have to shit outside in little holes? I mean… what’s he proposing here?
As ridiculous as the GOP platform – and Bible – might be, this sounds a little too specific to be just towing the party line for Jesus. I’m guessing Klingenschmitt really had to go one day, and got stuck at one of those awkward “1-3-5″ public urinal scenarios. So he breaks the rules, and takes urinal 2, but it’s next to a chick with a bigger dick, and he freaks out, and gets stage fright midstream. Been burning ever since …
He does have sort of a “I haven’t pissed without screaming since 1996” look to him.
Regardless of his asinine reasoning, let’s give him some Christian-friendly slogans to post on the door, so as to distinguish his godly shitter from the separate but equal ones he’s gonna build for gays, blacks, and mimes … So we’ll need about 30 seconds on the clock … “Religious Euphemisms for Taking a Shit” … GO!!!
I guess “Morning Mass” is the obvious one, huh?
“Spraying to the porcelain gods”
“The Second Going”
“Passages from Numbers 2″
“Emptying the Tomb”
“The Turdin’ of Job”
I know this one is for pissing, but “Paving a Walkway for Jesus”
Follow the yellow slick road … What about: “Showing the brown kids the way to the glory bowl” … “Doing some squish-ionary work” … “Assuming the squish-ionary position”
“Banishing the Golgothan”
“Chopping Cords for the Idealogue Cabin”
Based on our previous reports about fecal matter in baptismals, how about “Preparing the Holy Water?”
“Sacrificing the Black Bishop”
“Recycling the body of Christ”… That’s a Scatholic joke.
“Exports from Pope Bran-delay Industries” … “Bowly Trinity” … “Splatican City” …
Alright. The Catholic ones are just plopping right out… “Poop John Sprawl the Turd?”
“Delivering the Lord’s Prayer-rie Dog”
“Birthing More Creationists”
“Feeling the Pain of Jesus’s Corny Crown”
Nothing worse that a thorny brown. “Baptizing a Snake”
Feel like the Jews are getting left out … Maybe a Kosher Pareve restroom? … “How is this shite different from all other shites?” … “This too shall Passover”
And let’s not forget those Muslims. They have great senses of humor about their religion, so… “Shi’ite from where the Sunni don’t shine?”
“Christmas Mass on Jesus’s Bidet”
Jesus would so shit in the bidet. But if it was Jesus it would be “Burning the other cheek.”
Nicely done! … And this one works for Muslims or Jews … “The Oldest Established Permanent Floating Crap Game with No Pork”
Klingenschmitt says if you don’t go to church, you can’t use public restrooms: http://www.politicususa.com/2014/07/23/gordon-klingenschmitt-church-public-restroom.html
“There are well-heeled shitters everywhere___”
Alright. Probably the first and last time we ever close headlines on a “Guys and Dolls” reference, but everything has to happen eventually. Heath, thanks as always.
Pot luck eat a baby tonight!!!
And when we come back, god will get over all this Bruce Banner shit and get angry again.
This Week in Misogyny
Okay, so I’m in a bit of a quandary because I want to talk about international affairs this week, but I’m not sure if I’m smart enough to comment on those men problems. According to North Carolina congresswoman Renee Ellmers, women can’t understand complicated stuff like pie-charts and numbers with more than six zeroes, so I’m not sure if I can dumb this down enough for myself to understand.
Speaking at an RNC Women’s Conference (and you can just imagine the throngs of people lining up for that), Ellmers explained the secret to making women voters understand complicated stuff like economies and debtses and stuff saying (quote) “We need our male colleagues to understand that if you can bring it down to a woman’s level… that’s the way to go.” (end quote)
Politicians must “talk down to a woman’s level” to be understood: http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/_gop_congresswoman_men_must_talk_down_to_a_woman_s_level_if_they_want_to_be_understood
So we’re gonna talk briefly about how women are faring under the insane, bloodthirsty theocrats in Iraq, but afterwards, I’ll use dumbed-down woman words so that representative Ellmers can follow along.
We’ll start with their treatment of manufactured women. Store owners in the Iraqi city of Mosul were surprised last week when their new militant Islamic overlords demanded that they put face veils on their mannequins in an effort to keep the notoriously perverse Muslim men from having impure thoughts about inanimate objects.
Reports also indicate that tobacco and alcohol retailers are being intimidated out of business or outright killed. ISIS is also enforcing proper gender specific retail by forcing men who own women’s clothing stores to turn over their businesses to the appropriate gender.
Now, let me give you that same story again, but dumbed down to woman-level:
Those poor plastic girls who stand still at the mall all day have pantyhose on their heads!
ISIS forcing stores to put veils on mannequins: http://www.cnbc.com/id/101860481?__source=pd%7Coutbrain%7Ctopnews&par=pd
Of course, the treatment of Iraq’s artificial women is pretty damn lenient compared to their treatment of actual women. Reports of rapes, robberies and executions are rampant throughout ISIS controlled territory. A recent UN report warned that women trapped in Mosul will be forced to undergo female genital mutilation, but don’t worry ladies, it seems that report may be incorrect so your clit is way more likely to remain attached to your body than your head.
And again, same story, but dumbed down to woman-level, “Run for your fucking lives!”
Reports of ISIS call for female mutilation are probably false: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/24/isis-female-mutilation_n_5617833.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion
And finally tonight, we’ll make like any sane woman in Iraq who is able to and move north into Turkey, where Deputy Prime Minister Bulent Arinc warned that proper Muslim women should be too modest to laugh in public.
Suggesting that the most important quality in a woman is chastity, Arinc said (quote) “She will not laugh in public. She will not be inviting in her attitudes and protect her chasteness” (end quote). Now, in Arinc’s defense, I’m sure that, for the sake of his ego, he has had to tell himself, “She must just be too chaste to have an inviting attitude and laugh at my jokes” at many a Turkish night club.
Turkish official: Women shouldn’t laugh: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2014/07/turkish-leader-tells-women-not-to-laugh-out-loud-in-public/
That’s all the time I’ve got for you this week, but don’t worry, if you want more misogyny, we’re only a couple of minutes away from breaking down another book of the bible.
It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show, the monthly couple of minutes we set aside to keep you up to speed on all the great atheist, skeptical and secular conferences going on around the country and around the world.
We did all out August stuff last month, but I did want to throw a shout out for the Piedmont Humanists, who are holding their annual picnic on Saturday afternoon. If you’re in the Greenville, South Carolina area and you want to meet some local atheists there can’t possibly be a better opportunity this weekend.
Now we’ll slide into September, but we don’t worry, we won’t just ram our way into it quickly, as our first event starts on August 31st and runs through September 2nd and that event would be DragonCon. Admittedly, this certainly isn’t an atheist convention but draws a hell of a crowd of skeptics and if definitely an awesome place to spend a weekend.
But far more to the point is ZetetiCon (and if you wanted me to pronounce it correctly, you should have named it something normaler) which kicks off on September 12th in Fargo, North Dakota of all places. Matt Dillahunty, Richard Carrier, PZ Myers, Aron Ra, David Silverman and more. And if that’s not enough, you’ll also have hundreds of people doing the ridiculous psuedo-Canadian accent from the otherwise flawless Coen Brothers film.
September 19th through the 21st we’ve got Apostocon in Omaha, Nebraska. Lawrence Krauss is their keynote this year; joined by Matt Dillahunty, friend of the show Dan Fincke, JT Eberhard, Margaret Downey, other friend of the show Darrel Ray, the ubiquitous David Silverman and more. So skip all the exciting Omaha nightlife for one weekend and try to make it out for that.
The Carolinas Secular Conference is taking place in Charlotte, North Carolina from the 26th to the 28th of September. They’re bringing in secular blogger and author Greta Christina, President of Black Nonbelievers, Inc. Mandisa Thomas, secular rapper Greydon Square, et cetera. Should be a lot of fun.
And of course, if you’d like more information on any of the events discussed, be sure to check the Transcript or Shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And if you’re involved with an event you think our audience would like to know about, I’m happy to toss you a free plug. You’ll find all the contact info on our Contact Page.
What the Fuck is… Eid al Fitr?
Eid al Fitr is an Islamic attempt to take that feeling you get when you finally come across a rest area and unload the forty-four ounces of piss you’ve been damming up for the last eighty miles and turn it into a profound, spiritual experience.
This feast marks the end of the holy month of Ramadan and the start of the inferiority complex ridden month of Shawwal. After a month of intermittently starving themselves, Muslims the world over celebrate by no longer intermittently starving themselves. After twenty nine or thirty days of abstaining from food, water, sex and incidentally, happiness, from sunup until sundown, Muslims prepare the three hundred and thirty five to three hundred and thirty seven day effort to convince themselves not to go with a less fast-based religion.
Eid al Fitr is a three day event that moves around the Gregorian calendar. This is a byproduct of the lunar calendar that Muslims are too stubborn to give up in favor of the vastly superior “thing that actually makes years happen” based calendar. This year Muslims were subjected to a summer fast, meaning far longer periods of misery for those living significantly north of the equator. Muslims are no doubt tempering their celebration this year with a solemn remembrance of all the Muslims that used to live north of the sixty sixth parallel before starving to death in this annual tradition.
The traditional Arabic greeting on Eid al Fitr is “Eid Mubarak,” which literally translates to “what the fuck were we thinking?” In addition to giving up the 19th century prison diet, Muslims also celebrate by reciting special magic spells and reminding their all knowing deity how awesome he is in case he forgot since they reminded him less than seven hours earlier.
The day is also marked with entertainment and merriment. In the Quran, Mohammad famously chastised a friend when he tried to make his daughters stop singing because on Eid al Fitr, everyone is allowed to sing. To Muslims this signifies a level of leniency on this important day and to everyone else it signifies the fact that on other days these assholes would make young girls stop singing just to be dicks.
In addition to these common practices, there are also regional variations of the holiday. In Saudi Arabia, they decorate their homes with lights. In Egypt, they celebrate by sexually assaulting women in startlingly large numbers. And in Iraq this year, Muslims celebrated Eid al Fitr by decapitating infidels and lining their dismembered heads along the streets in a macabre attempt to finally put that “religion of peace” nonsense to rest once and for all.
Of course, Eid al Fitr is also a time of charity, giving, hospitality, forgiveness and joy, which, let’s face it, all religions say about all of their holidays. But still, it’s worth noting once in a while that they’re not just about violent theocracy and forced cliterectomies. Sometimes they also cook food.
So to all our Muslim listeners, I wish you a belated Eid Mubarak and, while I’m at it, I’d like to wish our equally numerous dinosaur listeners and leprechaun listeners a cosmic orgasm.
Babble – Isaiah
Well, it’s happened. We’ve passed out of the “Wisdom” portion book altogether and reached the “verbose compared to Nostradamus” section known as the “Prophetic” books. And, like all prophets, these books have to be insanely long to fling enough shit against the wall to occasionally be kind-of right.
Does the fact that I prophesied that this book would suck before I read it give me the right to order around jews?
Apparently not, because your prophecy ended up being correct. Unacceptable condition for a Jewish prophet. So joining us to discuss the post-masturbatory portions of the Bible is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.
Great to be here.
Alright, so enough with all this “Gettin’ to know us” shit, let’s get prophesying.
- Right away you know this one’s gonna be a chore. It’s the fifth longest book in the Bible and right away you get Isaiah going off like an apocalyptic street preacher.
- Yeah, Isaiah goes off like your rebound girlfriend’s racist stepdad. Bunch of “These kids these days with their fringe-cloth saddles and goat-hair cruppers and them filthy Akkadians takin’ our jobs, what don’t even speak Hebrew!”
- And then it gets scary and violent. Isaiah explains how god wants the Jews to take over the world and steal all their neighbor’s silver and gold and horses.
- It’s nice to have psychotic, vengeful god back. Haven’t seen him since Job, but he’s back in full force!!! In chapter three he explains what horrible shit he has in store for all the Jews that piss him off, in case you missed the entire Old Testament leading up to this book.
- Yeah, among the torments listed is that the daughters of the unrighteous will have their heads covered in scabs and paraded naked through the streets.
- - ???
- And he’ll smash them and burn them and their corpses will litter the street like ashes because they’ve been drinking the wine and galavanting with the strange women.
- Then we get this weird scene where Isaiah chats with god and he’s got these six-winged Seraphs all around him and, if I’m not mistaken, god tells him to make sure the people of Israel remain as stupid as possible.
- But first, God had one of the magical pixies burn Isaiah’s tongue out with a piece of live coal, to get him ready to tell everyone about the future badly. So don’t worry, there’s no hole in the plot there. Don’t even check.
- And then we get our first glimpse of pre-Jesus.
- A little spotting before the first coming. The pre-coming of Jesus.
- I think it’s worth noting that the KJV still has the mistranslated “virgin” in that verse. But they get Jesus’s name wrong.
- And here’s how you know God’s not a particularly clever dude. Regardless of what name he chooses for the savior of humanity, if he’s got any sense of humor at all, it’s something difficult and awkward to yell during orgasms … “Almost there!!! Wait for it!!! … Nnnnnnebuchadnezzar!!!” … “Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz!!!”
- Right. The messiah is supposed to be “Immanuel,” but worse than that, it’s really clear that the young woman Isaiah is talking about was somebody alive at that time. This book was written in the 8th century bce… not to mention his coming was supposed to coincide with a worldwide thorn epidemic. So yeah, all kinds of problems with basing your religion on this passage.
- And I wouldn’t recommend any of the other passages we’ve seen yet either.
- What’s more, his birth is supposed to usher in a full blown apocalypse. And I’m pretty sure that if the world ended in the 8th century bce, we’d know about it.
- And then god’s going to raise an army of cannibals to kill all the wicked evildoers, including the orphans and babies who are evil by association.
- “So you know the human trafficking, heathen mercenaries that I hired to enslave you guys most recently? … Yeah? Well I changed my mind about them, and now I don’t like them. So I might be back on board with you Jews again. But not right away. It’s gonna suck for a bunch longer. But then maybe better. Who’s comin’ with me?”
- And honestly, Christianity would be way cooler if they stuck to this messiah Isaiah is talking about because this dude ejaculates fire demons and kills people with his lips, both of which would have made a much better image for the Sistine Chapel.
- And also, this Jesus does a way better job because by the time he’s done with it bears start grazing and lions are friendly and you can safely get cunilingus from a poisonous asp.
- He was also supposed to split the red sea into seven rivers with a land bridge.
- And what about the land bridge connecting Brazil and Senegal in Risk?
- It’s hard to stress what a truly fucked up book this is, though. Because what it’s saying is that god wants to kill basically everybody, but instead of doing it himself, he needs an army of true believers to give him a hand. Basically he says, “Wanted: Righteous believers to smash babies and ravish wives.”
- Sounds like my profile on MormonMingle.com …
- So let’s be perfectly clear about this. The very first prophecy in the prophetic books is that Jewish enslavement in Assyria would end when Emmanuel rose up with an army, the world turned to thorns, the sun became black and the Assyrians were all enslaved by the jews. And in case you’re not particularly a history buff, I should point out that that didn’t happen.
- Not during observational history. Could have been during historical history, but no way to check.
- And even the cities he correctly predicts the destruction of, he gets wrong. Like Moab. He says that Moab will be destroyed and I can’t find it on Google Maps, so there you go; but he also says the way it’ll go is that all the people will turn bald and the crops will dry up and that’s probably not how it happened at all.
- Also, god will harp-fart. Isaiah 16:11 “Wherefore my bowels shall sound like a harp.”
- Then we get to the one that has all the modern day reality-impaired lunatics up in arms, the prophecy about the destruction of Damascus.
- Keeping in mind, of course that until now he’s clearly talking about a Jewish uprising that will destroy their oppressors in the near term. Like… within a generation… of 740 bce.
- Yeah, this is the one you’ve gotta read if you want to get your bearings when Michelle Bachmann starts bringing up olive trees.
- “Well Israel doesn’t seem to be having any trouble defending it’s current borders. And given all their ally neighbors, they should be able to take over Syria pretty soon. The demand for Judaism in the region just isn’t being met. Market solution.”
- And it’s hilarious to actually read this shit in context. Because the “end is nigh” nutjobs point to this part of the bible and they say, “See, it predicts bad shit happening in Syria and in Egypt and if you look right now, what do you see?” But it’s not like it predicts just general, “Bad shit,” it predicts very precise droughts and floods and not a living human remaining and how the pharaohs of Egypt will respond. In other words, if he was talking about now, he really fucked it up.
- Well and those are also sandwiched in between prophecies about Moab and Tyre, so seems like we’re being damn lenient on the chronology, too.
- Right, and part of the specific Egyptian troubles is god marching them all out of Egypt in a single file line buck-naked. When that happens, call me.
- One of my top 5 chapters right there. Chapter 20 … Isaiah spends three years with his dick out so that god will make a naked Egyptian parade. Priceless.
- So essentially we’re reading Jewish revenge porn. It’s just one city after another that Jew god is gonna smite for fucking with the jews… complete with gory details of how it’s gonna go down.
- My favorite, even though it isn’t all that gory, is the post-spinach popeye treatment Isaiah describes in Chapter 22, verses 17 and 18: “The lord is about to hurl you away violently, my fellow. He will seize firm hold of you, whirl you round and round and throw you like a ball into a wide land.”
- And chapter 23 seems to be an homage to the slutty city of Tyre. Prostitutes will exist forever, all over the world, but they have to donate their trick money to churches. So whore and pastor pimp are indeed two of the oldest professions.
- Then they get bored with individual cities and just prophecy the whole world coming down. And I can’t help but think, we’re 24 chapters into a 66 chapter book and the world is already destroyed? Is Isaiah gonna catch a ride with Zaphod and Trillian or something?
- In chapter 25 we get Moabites swimming around in giant dung-pits.
- And in 26 it warns you to lock your doors because god’s judgment is coming and apparently god’s judgment is as lame as the aliens in “Signs.”
- And the casting. Rory Culkin?!? Really?!? They couldn’t spring for Macaulay.
- And right when we’re in danger of dozing off, Leviathan shows back up and god starts killing sea-dragons.
- And while we’re on the subject, what kind of pansy god stops in the middle of a dragon fight to sing a song about vineyards?
- And whoever wrote this is so fucking racist. It’s all “Egyptians are stupid and Ephraimites are drunkards and those squinty-eyed Dedanites can’t park for shit.”
- We’re also reminded to always listen to the voices in our head. They mean us no harm.
- And perhaps seeing the weakness in using human armies all the time, he does promise to lop the Assyrians’ heads off with a magic sword at least.
- In chapter 32 there’s a part where Isaiah commands all the women to strip naked and pummel their tits for the sake of a good harvest. Not sure how that works.
- I’d do shit like that all the time if I was a prophet. If God tells you when it’s gonna finally start raining in the desert … “Ok ladies, this drought isn’t going away by itself. We’re gonna need a topless rain dance … while one of you blows me … (Thunder Crack!!!) … Don’t doubt me, bitches!!! What did you learn?!?”
- But obviously, if you’re a monotheist who believes god is just, you need shit like Isaiah. Because you need to know that god is just biding his time letting all these other tribes fuck with the jews while he plots his vengeance
- And then we continue with the “You just wait ‘til god gets home” theme by describing in gory detail the bloody vengeance god has in store for anybody who burns Isaiah’s toast.
- And it’s not enough to tell all these gentiles how brutally murdered their children will be or how raped their wives will be; he also has to rub it in by talking about the awesome paradise god’s going to establish on earth once they’re dead.
- And just when you’re thinking to yourself, “I sure miss Second Kings chapters 18 through 20,” we rehash them for no reason at all.
- Which, in case you forgot, is the story of god defending Hezekiah, then condemning him to die, then deciding to let him live another fifteen years, then punishing him by destroying Judah and enslaving the jews after he dies.
- And what the hell is up with that? Centuries of empire the Jews had and they only managed 9 different historical stories to repeat over and over again?
- Yeah so far, God’s plan seems more and more like a Bond villain trying to slowly kill the Jews with a Rube Goldberg device. These assinine, overly-elaborate, century-long lessons … And then you’re all slaves … and then I free you, but kill 90% … and then MOUSE TRAP!!!”
- And believe it or not, there’s even more of this damn book. So we’ll answer that question and many more after this important announcement.
Since we started doing this show in January of last year, Heath, Lucinda and I have written over a third of a million words worth of blasphemous dick jokes.
That’s more words than the entire bible.
Actually it’s not quite half that.
…more words than War and Peace.
No, that’s more like half a million.
It’s like a Moby Dick, two Great Gatsbys and an Ethan Frome.
Yeah, that’s about right. A lot people have asked us how we manage to stay so prolific week after week. Is it passion? Divine inspiration? Adderall?
But the truth is far simpler than that. Our Adderall guy got busted, so we hired a group of Dickensian street-orphans in East London who were willing to write for nothing but a spot of porridge and a leaky roof.
In fact, let’s pop over to Hackney and see how they’re doing!
Listen up! The sixty minute format has been a big success and it’s going to be permanent.
Get back to work, or I’ll give you something to moan about! You there, why aren’t you writing dick jokes?
My hands, hurt, sir.
Your hands hurt!? Do you think those dick jokes are just gonna write themselves?
And you there! How many Pope Francis nicknames have you come up with today?
Um… I came up with Pope Fran-colostomy bag, sir.
That’s terrible! No good. And you, there, what have you got?
Pope Frant-Farm, sir… like an ant farm, but with an F and an R.
Utter shit! Back to work the lot of you. And you there, what have you got.
Pope Frabble-Rouser, sir?
Alright, that’s actually not too bad. I need four more like that today.
We’ve been working since sun up, sir. Can we break for some porridge?
You’ll get some porridge when the listeners pony up at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and not a moment before.
So if you’d like to help our orphans get some more porridge… or maybe get Noah a dialect coach, please make a donation today.
And remember, if we can reach our next milestone, Heath can quit his job and we can fire those orphans altogether and let them go back to work giving handjobs to bishops and sixpence a squirt.
That’s probably not the right way to go.
Yeah, probably not.
The best thing to do is make them seasonal so we don’t have to give them benefits.
Or… independent contractors.
Now you’re thinking…
Previously on the Holy Babble… (insert) … and now for the unexceptional conclusion of Isaiah.
- When we left off, I believe we were being reminded at length how awesome god is and how feeble we are in comparison.
- Something of a running theme in this book.
- And you can tell that historical circumstances really fucked up the narrative here, because for the first half of the book Isaiah’s talking about how god’s gonna lay waste to all the other cities and establish a worldwide Jewish totalitarian state and while Isaiah’s explaining this, the Babylonians show up, level their city and enslave them.
- Right and then Isaiah has to say, “Yeah, guys, this is all part of the plan.”
- “Part of the trick … And still … where did the lighter fluid come from?!?”
- It must suck being god’s biographer… “Put in another couple chapters about how awesome I am.”
- “And remember those Babylonians that I’m having enslave you right now??? Well I think I know how to get you out of this. Gotta be smooth about this, or everyone’s gonna know I’m Jewish. Just shut up about it, and I’ll fucking choose you guys.”
- And I want to photocopy chapter 44 of Isaiah and send it to everybody who ever found Jesus on a fucking pancake. The bible basically says, “Jesus ain’t on no motherfuckin’ pancake.”
- But I think what betrays this book most as being useless crap is the amount of it they devote to god reminding us that he’s god. It would be like me stopping every five minutes of the show and saying, “And I am Noah and there is no other host of the Scathing Atheist before me; I am he who edits the show and uploadeth it; for no other compresses the sound-files and embeds the musical interludes.”
- There’s such an odd mix of divine threat in here, too. Like, once you’ve said “Hey, I’m gonna smash your babies to death, burn your cities, rape your wives and feed your flesh to your brother,” there’s really no impact in later saying, “You’ll be chilly and settle for foods you don’t much care for.”
- “And the towels will be a little scratchy!!! And you might need a long-sleeve tee!!!
- Right. Two chapters after condemning the oppressors to be uncomfortably cold, he says, (quote) “I will make your oppressors eat their own flesh and they shall be drunk with their own blood as with wine.”
- In chapter 50 we learn that Isaiah beat Jesus to the whole “turn the other cheek” thing by at least seven centuries.
- And apparently Jesus was supposed to get burned to a crisp and come back all Freddy Krueger looking, according to chapter 52.
- Then we get another prophecy about the Jews taking over the world.
- Followed by an assurance that there will definitely never be a holocaust, so Isaiah’s sub-Padrean batting average continues.
- Yeah, when the prophet of god is below the Mendoza line … it really show you how hard it is to go one for five against major league pitching.
- But that’s just the thing. The fact that none of these prophecies have been fulfilled in the 27 centuries since he uttered them is just proof that this post-apocalyptic Jewish theocracy is yet to come.
- Right … Just like 45-year-old pale, friendless virgins are just about due to get laid any minute. That’s like ten black numbers in a row on the roulette wheel. The next one pretty much has to be pink.
- Then in 56 god suddenly gets nice for a minute, reminds us not to be ungood and offers to regrow the balls of eunuchs if they pray hard enough.
- “Can’t promise anything about using public restrooms in Colorado … But I can get you those balls back.”
- It’s such a weird contrast, too. Suddenly he starts talking about feeding the poor and clothing the naked… it’s like “We’re gonna boil their flesh and eat it, but don’t forget to brush and floss afterwards.”
- But the hiatus doesn’t last long. Three chapters later, god’s putting on his “vengeance armor” and his “fury mantle” and setting out to kill people again.
- And I’m sorry, but the prophecies that Isaiah is laying down are way more than just wrong. In chapter 60 he goes on and on about how there will be no more violence in Israel.
- Well the maps are tricky … Maybe he meant a different part of the region, like Palestine.
- Then in 63 God makes some people wine. Really weird chapter where the guy says, “Hey god, what’s all that crimson on your outfit… you been making wine?” And god answers back, “Na, just been crushing people to death beneath my mighty wrath and I guess I got a little on me.”
- The last couple chapters have a sort of “any minute now” feel to them.
- Yeah, a bit of Isaian ass-covering here where they’re basically saying, “Well sure, god’s gonna come and avenge all of our enemies, but how’s he supposed to do that if you assholes are still burning incense on bricks and slaughtering the wrong number of bulls?”
- “And you definitely rubbed the lamp three times??? … And you reset the router? … That’s just fucking weird … Maybe you weren’t being Jewish hard enough.”
- And then all the jews lived happily ever after.
- And the non-jews had their flesh eaten by immortal worms. The end.
So we all know that Psalms was the longest book and we already got through that one. Anybody care to venture a guess what the second longest is?
Please let it be apocryphal.
Jeremiah. Next one on our list. And Ezekiel’s number three. But if it’s any comfort, all ten of the shortest books are ones we haven’t read yet…
Alright, so that does it for the Babble. Three weeks to go and another even worse one after that. Sorry. Not my fault. I didn’t write this crap.
When I read the “harp-farting” part I started to wonder.
Heath, Lucinda, thanks again.
It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback. This is the few minutes that come next and contain feedback from listeners.
Our first message comes in the form of a comment on the blog. Donovan rights us regarding our Wisdom books wrap up last week regarding Eli’s choice for the best passage in the section, Psalms 47:2
You bastards actually made me go look up to see if it actually said ‘the lord most high is terrible.’ I so fell for that shit, as ‘awesome’ as it was.
Yeah, so Donovan went to his bible, double checked the passage and read, “The Lord most High is Awesome,” and assumed we were just fucking with him. We weren’t. Now, I don’t think we’ve actually mentioned this since episode 10 when we launched the Holy Babble, but Heath, Lucinda and I are all reading different translations. Heath’s reading the King James, Lucinda has the NIV and I’m reading the New Revised Standard Edition. And they don’t always say the same shit.
Yeah and my copy of King James is by Dan Brown, and it’s got a lot of parts that are different.
So in this instance, most of the newer translations say, “The Lord most high is awesome,” but in the KJV and the many bibles based on that one, it reads, “The Lord most high is terrible.”
“Awesome” … “Terrible” … Are we splitting hairs?!?
We’ve also got an email correcting an actual mistake I made in that same segment. We were talking about “Song of Solomon” and I said it was the only book of the Old Testament that got cut from the Mormon Bible and apparently I was in error.
Sort of … technically … but it’s a moot point, because according to the Old Testament, everyone that’s not Jewish is about to be fucked any minute. You definitely can’t be changing stuff. If Old Testament God shows up, Mormons might as well be ass-raping angels … and that dude’s daughter … with a Baal figurine … on a high place.
But as is often the case, the more I looked into the error, the cooler it got. Joseph Smith had his out (scare quote) “Translation” of the bible, or at least, was working on one when he was killed. And in that version, he does omit Song of Solomon and claim that it is (quote) “not inspired writing” (end quote)
However, the LDS doesn’t actually use the Joseph Smith Translation (which they call the “Inspired Version”) as their official bible. While they’ve canonized parts of it, they still officially use the KJV. So there is no specific “Mormon Bible,” but if there was, it wouldn’t have Song of Solomon in it. Which is off, because I thought Joseph Smith was all about the pussy.
So Joey ‘Splatter Day Saints’ started his polygamist cult just for the tax breaks … Get your facts straight.
Our next email comes from Michael, who would like a little help with his bumper stickers. He prints these up himself in 100 point type and puts a new one on his car every week or two and was hoping we could come up with some slogans for him.
Right… he’s looking for slogans that (a) probably won’t get his car keyed, (b) promote atheism rather than demonize religion, and (c) might actually open someone’s mind.
Yeah, he offered some examples of stuff he’s used in the past. Stuff like “WWUD: Think for yourself”, “You pray for me; I’ll think for you”, “In Reason we Trust”, etc.
Yeah, he even went so far as to say he’d donate $10 to the show for each one we came up with that he decided to use. So… top ten?
Okay, so we’re looking for the top ten… non-derogatory, non-vandalism inspiring atheist slogans Michael can put on his car?
Not sure it’s exactly on our wheelhouse, but we’ll give it a try…
- 10 – Umm… I guess “fuck jesus in the wrist holes” would fall under “derogatory,” huh?
- 9 – “Atheism: If you can read this, you’re statistically more likely to agree with me.”
- 8 – Maybe… “Yo Savior’s Momma’s so fat…” no…
- 7 – “My atheist kid got your honor student pregnant … But only for about a week.”
Alright, obviously not our cup of tea here. But what we could do is crowdsource this shit. So if you have an idea for Michael’s bumper sticker and want to help us make ten bucks with it, tweet it (at) Noah (underscore) Lugeons, we’ll collect together the best ones and present them on next week’s feedback.
Yeah, but don’t tell Michael because we want him to think we made them up. And we’re obviously not very good at this … so make it believable.
Right. Good call.
And that’s all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep those Tweets, Facebook messages and emails coming. You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Before we go quietly into the night tonight, I wanted to remind all of our listeners that Peter Boghossian is looking for volunteer artists to help with the app he’s developing to go with his book, “A Manual for Creating Atheists.” I happen to know we’ve got at least a couple of damn talented artists listening to this show, and as much as I understand the ridiculous rate at which artists get asked to work for free, this time it’s for a pretty beneficial product. It you’re interested, check the website for an email address or contact me and I’ll let you know who to get in touch with.
That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more. Between now and then you can find some bonus bits of Scatheism on our Facebook page, our Twitter Feed and our YouTube channel. And a big thanks to all the fine folks who have recently taken it upon themselves to share some of the diatribe videos.
And since I’ve already got a little gratitude momentum building up, I also need to thank Heath once more for the incredible amount of effort he puts into this show every week. I need to thank Lucinda for her willingness to take on an ever more demanding role as the show grows. I also need to thank Tucker from the “Atheist in the Trailer Park” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote. If his trailer park is anything like the ones down here, he had to hide in an interior room of his doublewide with all the doors locked and the windows shaded when he recorded that, so for that I thank him. If you’d like to check out his show, you’ll find it linked on the shownotes for this episode.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most laudable listeners; Patrick, Monica, Warwick, Weston, Glen, Alex, Max, Wayne and Fred. Patrick, Monica and Warwick, who think so fast they could beat Professor X at Rock Paper Scissors; Weston, Glen and Alex, who turned down a Dos Equis ad campaign about their lives; and Max, Wayne and Fred, whose ejaculate is recommended by five out of five dentists. These nine inestimably estimable individuals have earned a small measure of immortality this week by giving us money; their praiseworthiness is now eternally archived that future generations will know of their great deeds.
If you, too, would like to earn the perpetual gratitude of future civilizations and the lifelong gratitude of Heath, Lucinda and me, you can make a per episode donation to the show at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, where you can also earn some bonus material and books and stuff. Or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d like to help but you’re allergic to donating, you can also help us a bunch by leaving us a five star review on iTunes, Stitcher or any other place that affords you an opportunity to tell everyone how many stars we’re worth.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
If you’re an artist and you’d like to volunteer some time to Peter Boghossian’s upcoming app (as discussed on this week’s episode) please email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Note: Transcript contains elements removed due to time constraints.
Warning: This podcast contains obscene amounts of obscenities.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Fatwatter: The new social media platform for female Muslim Islamophobes.
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And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s July 24th,
And I broke 2 ribs playing softball last Sunday … So why didn’t Adam build a harem?!?
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Gotham City”, AKA New York, New York,
And “Noah’s Arkham Asylum” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
- Ken Ham suggests defunding NASA to pay for building the thing from Cocoon and getting that water.
- Peter Boghossian will join us to make more atheists in the non-sexual way.
- And Eli Bosnick joins us to pan for wisdom in the Old Testament.
Yes, biblical wisdom is the pyrite of wisdom. But first, the Diatribe…
My wife and I had a chance to catch up with an old friend the other day; a guy we hadn’t seen in more than a decade. Since the last time we spoke he divorced the vindictive lunatic he was married to and found a new wife with more stable dopamine levels. She’s friendly, funny and twenty years younger than him. Which, in his mind, more than outweighs the fact that she’s religious.
He’s an atheist and not just by a little. He comes from an extremely religious family and lived most of his life in one of the most religious enclaves in this country so he’s developed a pretty sharp axe to grind with the minions of faith. And I don’t think he actually knows any other atheists so as soon as the subject of what I did for a living came up, ten years of pent up rage and anger came boiling to the surface and we spent a good half hour bitching about Jesus.
Clearly, I’m right in my element, and just as clearly, his wife isn’t. She’s known for a while that they didn’t see eye to eye on the religion thing, but the look on her face made it clear that this was the first glimpse she got of the full extent of his ire. And I’m guessing this southern girl raised in a strict Baptist household, had never been the only Christian in a room full of atheists.
So after about half an hour of uninterrupted vitriol, she felt the need to step in on behalf of her faith by politely objecting to our methodology. We’d talked about priests raping kids, Mullahs promoting honor killings and acid attacks, evangelicals demonizing gays and standing in the way of science, Rabbis promoting sexism and disparaging education; and while she freely admitted that all those things existed, she claimed they weren’t representative. None of the religious people she knew were like that. And aren’t there sexists and bigots and child-molesters in every group of people? Afterall, she’s not dangerous… and she’s more representative of faith than the people we’re talking about.
And my buddy made a concession that far too many atheists make and agreed with her. Some of that might have been an effort to keep Jesus from interfering with his love life, but it’s still bullshit.
Now, she’s a nice person and she’s a guest in my home, so I’m not gonna go full diatribe on her, but I’m also not going to let such a patently false claim go unchallenged.
First I dismissed the idea that her breed of Christianity was “typical” of religion. Nearly half of American Christians reject Darwinian evolution. The majority of the world’s Muslims favor a sharia-based judicial system. The opposition to gay rights is almost entirely a religious phenomena. Almost all of America’s religious institutions have a legally exempted glass-ceiling that would be unacceptable for any other entity.
So no, the liberally religious, judge-not lest-ye-be-judged, “turn the other cheek” Christian is not representative of the average believer. But that wasn’t even the most egregious thing about her argument. Far more misguided was the premise that those same liberally religious, judge-not lest-ye-be-judged, “turn the other cheek” Christians aren’t dangerous.
I would argue, and I know a lot of people disagree with me here, so hear me out, but I would argue that those are the most dangerous type of believers. Because if it weren’t for them, we as a society could stop giving religion a seat at the table altogether.
Think about it. If every religious person you knew was a “God Hates Fags”, anti-evolution, anti-contraception rape apologist, it would be damn easy to dismiss them. But if you can temper those assholes with a far greater number of regular people freely attributing the wisdom and morality they’ve developed over a lifetime of being humans to a mythical character, it gets a lot harder to reject.
In other words, it’s the charitable, congenial, selfless, cookie-baking old ladies that are fucking this up for the rest of us. Because to keep the extremist voices relevant, you need five of them for every spittle-spewing homophobe. You need a base to hold the capstone up.
There’s no example of a religion without a fundamentalist wing. There’s no example in history of a religion gaining supremacy in a state and then not being used to marginalize other people. There’s no example of a religion that wasn’t taken advantage of by the unscrupulous and the hateful. And in every instance, the fuel for their unscrupulous hate was the sweet, congenial, cookie baking old lady wing of their religion.
I bring this up because it seems like a lot of atheists are possessed of the notion that if we could just steer the faithful toward the less destructive iterations of their faith, we could solve the problem. But the problem is faith; faith in all its forms. It reminds me of that idiot who says there shouldn’t be laws against drunk driving because he “ain’t killed nobody yet”. The fact that you can personally use faith without fucking the world up doesn’t excuse faith every time somebody else uses it to blow up a school.
I’ll say it again and again; there is no harmless version of faith. Faith is an attempt to replace reason with… something other than reason. And where reasonable minds are concerned, that should be all the damnation it needs.
Joining me for headlines tonight is guy whose name comes up in autocomplete before you type in the Y-S-I-S in atheist analysis, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to give us some deep, impactful canal-ysis?
You must be talking about the alimentary canal. Which goes mouth to ass, so it’s all good. Just don’t forget, you are what you eat.
And thanks to astute listener Joe for pointing that out to us and sharing a screen capture on our Facebook page in case you doubt our sincerity.
In our lead story tonight, from the “You are! … You’re the one … who doesn’t exist! You don’t!” file … Despite findings irrelevant to the issue, it seems the naively faithful have latched on to recent scientific studies that suggest the human brain may be hard-wired from birth to believe in magical stuff like divine creation. They’ve taken this to mean that atheists semantically don’t exist, therefore God clearly does … Because if newborn babies don’t disbelieve in leprechauns … all rainbows end at a gold pot.
We’re also born fascinated by our own shit, but I guess that’s just a different way of phrasing the same thing, isn’t it?
One particular article by Nury Vittachi, on the “Science 2.0″ site, tries to loosely gather ideas from several such studies, and shoe-horn them into somehow explaining how I don’t exist … <Yes, “I think therefore I’m not”> Let’s begin with the title of the article: (quote) “Scientists discover that atheists might not exist, and that’s not a joke.” (end quote) … So keeping in mind that this science-y stuff we’re about to hear is definitely not a joke … Remember? From the title? “With that in mind, let’s look at some one-sentence summaries of entire experiments, and combine them into a perfectly valid master theory.
Perhaps the most ridiculous bit of scat he left on the wall was the notion that because stories have elements of divine justice, atheists don’t exist. So yes, the fact that even atheist authors write books where bad stuff happens to the bad guy is offered as evidence against the existence of atheists.
My favorite one … He cited a 2012 survey by Pew Forum: (quote) “38% of people who identified themselves as atheist or agnostic went on to claim to believe in God or a Higher Power.” (end quote) … So atheists don’t exist … because approximately 38% of atheists might not exist … QED!!!
Science: “Atheists don’t exist” http://www.science20.com/writer_on_the_edge/blog/scientists_discover_that_atheists_might_not_exist_and_thats_not_a_joke-139982
And in “Are You Smarter Than a Zeroth Grader?” news tonight, a new survey of kindergarten students shows that even five year olds can largely distinguish biblical stories from reality, provided they haven’t been brainwashed in favor of Jew-magic beforehand.
Well that’s odd … Seems to conflict somewhat, with the assertion from the last story that Kabbalah is a priori knowledge … Weird. So how did they ever manage to demonstrate that being forced to believe wrong things leads to believing more wrong things?!?
The survey presented children with a series of stories. Some were realistic, some included magic and some of the ones that included magic were biblical. And to nobody’s real surprise, the children who regularly attended church were significantly less able to decide whether or not the presence of a magic wand in a story means it’s bullshit.
It’s partially unfair though, because kids that don’t regularly attend church are much more likely to have parents with intelligent DNA.
So yes, in light of our lead story resting on our innate belief in magical fairy-folk, data like these are damn important. Maybe it doesn’t refute the absurd claim, but it shows that kids can outgrow that mental defect in about the time it takes to keep their sheets piss-free if you don’t actively steer them away from reason.
Kids exposed to religion shown to have harder time distinguishing fact from fiction: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/18/new-study-shows-that-children-exposed-to-religion-have-a-hard-time-distinguishing-fact-from-fiction/
And from the “Can’t we just tell them their fetus lives on a farm upstate?” file, anti-choice nurse Sara Hallwege unsuccessfully applied for a job at Tampa Family Health Centers, and is now suing them for discriminating against ‘people who refuse to perform the job’. The health center in question is a “Title X” clinic … or a “Plan C” facility … Which means: Hallwege applied for a job she believes to be ‘baby assassin’, and now she’s mad at the people that wouldn’t give her that opportunity. Like a fucked-up game of chicken … “I’ll kill those babies … We’ll hire you to kill those babies … “
“I brought my favorite abortion sword and everything…”
“Do you have prior experience killing unwanted fetuses? … No? … That’s fine … You’ll get the coat hang of it … And this part’s just a formality … Seems ridiculous that I should even need to ask, but … I see you’ve brought a picket sign with you to your own job interview … So I gotta ask … Are you willing to … do this job?” … Her answer was: “No, and I’ll see you in court.”
But it’s even worse than that because the job didn’t include real abortions, just sincerely held religious abortions. They needed somebody who could prescribe birth control and this quarrelsome bitch actually listed on her resume that she was a member of a right-wing, anti-abortion society… I don’t believe I have to mention the name… and told the interviewer that empiricism be damned, she believes that birth control is murder and wouldn’t prescribe it. Even if that was her job. So they… didn’t let that be her job…
Defense lawyers are likely to mention Hellwege’s pre-interview on the phone, during which she was clearly warned about the pro-choice nature of the position: (quote) “You’re gonna see lots of graphic, close-up choices. Bitches gonna be choosing all over the floor sometimes.” (end quote)
I was gonna say this is like a quadriplegic suing the rodeo for not hiring him as a bull rider, but the quadriplegic didn’t choose to be immobile… so this is more like the intentionally inert suing the same rodeo. Wow… this story is so stupid it’s analogistically challenging.
Well if the lawsuit doesn’t work out, maybe she can make some money refusing to serve drinks at gay bar in Boystown, Chicago.
Pro-life nurse sues for hiring discrimination job: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/19/pro-life-nurse-sues-family-planning-clinic-for-not-hiring-her-to-do-the-job-she-refused-to-do
And from the “City of Bloodthirsty Love” file tonight, two of those notoriously peace-loving Muslims have been charged with trying to chop the hand off of a suspected thief. In Philadelphia. Which isn’t exactly “first world”, but it isn’t exactly Pakistan hill country, either.
It’s a good thing the Hobby Lobby ruling happened, or else the hand-choppers would be in pretty big trouble.
The attempted behanding in Quran took place after the mosque’s amir Merv Mitchell and an as yet unidentified imam suspected a forty-six year old attendant of stealing. Police say the two dragged the man to the back of the mosque, where, of course, they keep their giant fucking machete, and proceeded to try to whack the dude’s hand off. And it’s not like they missed or he escaped or anything… they just didn’t chop hard enough. The victim was hospitalized and will likely need reconstructive surgery to repair the wound.
Also, as far as I know, there’s not too many rainforest thicket areas in Philadelphia … So that’s a dedicated amputation machete …
And when you’ve got a dedicated amputation machete, every problem looks like a hand…
But here’s the problem … Now we’ve got a suspected thief with two hands. What do you think “Jew-God 3.0″ does do about this??? Somebody’s gotta get their fucking hand chopped off!!!
And that’s the point… you’ve got all these conservative politicians proposing legislation that bans Sharia law in the US. Well this is Sharia law. And even considering how far up its ass the Roberts Court’s head is, I don’t think we need to worry about them forgiving the chopping off of limbs under the auspices of a “sincerely held religious belief.”
Clergy at Philly Mosque accused of trying to cut off a dude’s hand: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/19/clergy-at-mosque-in-city-of-brotherly-love-are-accused-of-trying-to-cut-off-alleged-thiefs-hand/
And in “Priests distract rock star from drug metaphor lyrics by sexually abusing children” news, Tom Petty was somehow the first famous musician since Sinead O’Connor to find out about the breaking news regarding decades of clergy sex scandals … In response, he included a bonus track on his most recent album, which suggested artistically, that kid rapists should probably get in really big trouble and stuff. More typical rockstar ‘fringe thinking’.
But to be fair, for all we know that’s what he’s been talking about the whole time and we just couldn’t understand him through his Bob Dylan with down syndrome voice.
Like French Canadian Bruce Springstein with lockjaw … Somehow when it’s Irish Catholics committing the human rights violations, Bono gets strangely quiet. But if U2 won’t help, and multi-platinum recording artist Tom Petty can’t change public thinking on this … hopefully anyone else would suffice … And – more importantly – we seem to have stumbled into this well of dick jokes … So let’s go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock … “Songs About Pedophile Clergy” … GO!!!
“Pole Smokin’ in the Boy’s Room”
“Smells Like Tween Spirit”
“Another One Bites the Pillow”
“Bare Way to Heaven”
“Why Does My Fart Feel So Bad?”
Probably has something to do with that “Scrotal Eclipse” … And if ever Pete Townshend belonged on a list, I guess it’s now … “Let Guy Love Open the Door to Your Shart” … Townshend being such a notorious shart topper.
“The Priest You Can Do”
Phil Collins!!! Good work!!! But i could swear I could feel it coming in the prayer tonight …
“25? … or 6 to 4 year olds?”
Or “Working 5 to 9… year olds”
Different kind of sweat shop …
What about a little Unmarked Van Morrison? … “Brown-Eyed Boy”
“How Deep is Your Glove?”
I had a glove??? … What about: “Sitting on the Cock of the- … Nah, well you get it … Too easy … “I Heard it Through the <Still too obvious.> … Fair enough … But I could have said “Gape” … What about: “Sunday, Bloody Sunday School” ???
“Let Your Son Go Down on Me”
“Unfortunate Son … of a Preacher Man” … Didn’t figure this well had incest jokes … but there you go. Gravy.
Yeah, but we did know that it had gravy. How about “Cruelly, Gladly, Deeply?”
Bunch of Ravaged Gardens in this town … And by the way everyone, you can get lot’s of these tracks for free, at Ass Pirates Bay … It’s a pedo-phile-sharing network … like SlimeWire …
“Pope Paul Along the Crotch Tower” … Done.
New Tom Petty song about Catholic Sex Abuse Scandal: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/21/tom-petty-catholic-church_n_5605881.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And finally tonight, in “Ham Nine From Outer Space” news, creationist taint mold and perpetual Scathing Atheist punching bag Ken Ham is back in the news condemning martians to eternal torment while calling for an end to America’s space program.
At the very least, he wants Ridley Scott fired from his director spot.
Well at least there’s something Ham and I can agree on. Anyway, Ham explains that it’s pointless for America to keep wasting money searching for life on other planets (which he apparently thinks is what NASA does) since in the extremely unlikely event that god isn’t using the “10 to the forty eighth times as big as it needs to be to house human life” universe as a backdrop for the vanishingly small portion of it he cares about, those aliens are obviously not worth knowing, as Jesus didn’t bother to die for their sins.
Those were not embellished remarks!!! Ham actually said (quote): “You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation.” … So shut down NASA before they get up there, and find out they wasted all that money, and come home with zero alien souls … and egg on their face.
And Pope Fralfmadorian had already offered to baptize them so they’d be heathens squared. Ham is seriously proposing this as a reason to defund NASA. Now, it would be nice if I could say that the babbling incoherent verbal ejaculate from this pencil-dicked, shit-for-brains, science abhorring, bloviating simpleton could be ignored, but he’s convinced people to act on stupider breaches of scientific literacy than “Jesus didn’t die for no Klingons” before, so we’ll keep an eye on it.
And after that uncomfortable trip own Ken Ham’s well lubed Rabbit Hole, we’ll close the headlines for the night. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
And when we come back, Lucinda and Eli will be here to help us wrap up the Wisdom books, but first, Peter Boghossian joins us to talk about an atheist creating book that isn’t the bible.
Article on Using the Socratic Method with Children (mentioned by PB during interview)
(PDF) American Philosophical Association’s 1990 Delphi Report (mentioned by PB during interview)
Panel Notes: Wisdom Books
Unlike the Pentateuch and the Historical books, the Wisdom books actually seem somewhat biblical. While the story of Job is overrated and many of the Psalms and Proverbs are downright terrifying, the Wisdom books at least seem like the kind of stuff a god would put in his book.
Except Song of Solomon, which strikes me as ancient jerk-material … like the stuff in Bin Laden’s no-longer-secret lair. Who has a lair?!? If you live in a lair … you gotta assume someone might murder you. That’s his fault, for renting a lair.
Now, we didn’t do a recap when we finished the Historical books because, let’s face it, the Historical books basically just recap themselves over and over again, but before we move on to the final stage of the Old Testament, we thought we’d get the team together to retire this last section. So joining us for the Wisdom book recap is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.
Glad to be here.
No misogyny this week?
I figured we’d be dealing with plenty in the Wisdom Book recap, no need for more this week. My head may explode as is.
Fair enough. And rejoining us as well is everyone’s favorite glutton for punishment, Eli Bosnick. Eli, great to have you back.
Psalms was the worst thing that happened to me this year…and my dad died this year.
Okay, so the problem with recapping the Wisdom books is that nothing really “happens” in them per se. Other than Job there aren’t really any stories or characters of anything like that to talk about, so I figured we could just highlight a few of the Bests and Worsts of this section. We’ll start with
- The best piece of moral advice in the Wisdom Books?
- Well, I’m tempted to say Proverbs 5:18, which basically tells me I should spend more time lying with the wife of my youth and playing with her boobs, but I’m going with Proverbs 4:14, which says, “don’t be evil” I like simple and to the point and lets face it we don’t get nearly enough of that in this book.
- Ecclesiastes 10:19 “Money answeresth all things” Finally. someone says this. These are books of wisdom right? That or a don’t date a stupid girl with a nose ring because even though she’ll do weird stuff she’ll also throw stuff when you break up with her.
- See, if it just came out and said that, I would be a Christian… or a Jew.
- Ecclesiastes 5:3 “A fool’s voice is known by a multitude of words,” which could be summed up as “dumb people are verbose” if the author wasn’t a fool.
- I enjoyed a related suggestion for dumb people … Often ignored … Proverbs 17:28: “Dumb and silent is easily mistaken for smart and pensive. So don’t say things unless you’re smart … Are you smart? … If you have to ask … probably Shhhhhh.”
- The worst piece of moral advice?
- The path to true happiness being smashing babies against rocks (Psalms 137:9) Worst idea ever.
- damn you stole my baby smashing! You are hungry because god is mad at your or all of the advice that job’s friends give him.
- I would say the bits about not fucking loose women.
- Or tight men. No high-hanging fruit either.
- The Book of Job … Or maybe Ecclesiastes 8:17, which says “Science is impossible, so stop trying to know things. Everything in books is stupid … Except for this …. And that … And that.”
- Best WTF Moment?
- The bukkake sequence in Song of Solomon took me by surprise.
- You should have seen the look on your face.
- Job 41 where god is drunk stepdad and just starts describing the leviathen for no reason
- “I made a big fish!!! … Bill Braskey!!!”
- A lot of unexpected monsters in the Wisdom books. Look guys, if there are dragons and shit in the book, you need to toss that out early. You can’t surprise us with sea monsters and unicorns half way through.
- Proverbs 16:33 … “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD” … So dice only seem to be random. Worst gambling tip ever: “Psst – buddy. God’s actually cheating the whole time. The way he cheats is by choosing each number exactly one sixth of the time. We never had this conversation.” … So thanks, that was useful.
- The ravens god sends to gobble out your eyeballs if you disobey your parents (Proverbs 30:17 He probably pisses in your eyeholes when their done too, because… why the hell not.
- And it’s so oddly specific. You’d think they would know they were tipping their hands on this one. Fifth or sixth time you disobey your parents and don’t get your eyes pecked out…
- Worst Excuse for Wisdom?
- Did anyone mention the hedonistic baby smashing? … Yeah? … Okay what about … Proverbs 13:24 … “Don’t be a hater … Beat your children with a rod … The less you know”
- Building a door out of your boobless little sister, as discussed in Song of Solomon 8:8
- Proverbs 11:22 which says a woman without discretion is like a pig’s nose-ring. What the fuck does that even mean? Why the fuck does your pig have a nose ring to begin with? And what the fuck does that have to do with a gossip mongering Stupid Proverbs.
- ugh fucking song of solomon. Song of solomon is like that girl who you wanna hook up with and she always dirty texts you but then your like “can i come over? and she’s like” what would you do if you came over…. and you just wanna fuck a person.
- “What would I do? Is this necessary? … Uhhh … I’d fuck you in your damp, well-shorn goat teeth. Okay? We’ll start with mouth stuff! Can I come over now?”
- Best Passage?
- And I’ll get the obvious one out of the way for you. Ecclesiastes 3:20, which basically says, “There is no god”
- Song of Solomon 2:3 “I sat down under his shadow with great delight and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” That just sounds naughty.
- The lord most high is terrible was actually my choice because it comes out of nowhere and it made me laugh for like ten minutes. or baby smashing…god i love baby smashing
- I keep picturing Gallagher, but with the watermelons switched out.
- I’m going with Proverbs 26:11 … “As a dog returneth to his vomit; so a fool returneth to his folly” … Like a heroin addict swimming around a toilet bowl for an unfinished opium suppository.
- Worst Passage?
- Song of Solomon 1:13 “He will lie between my breasts all night,” because how can that possibly be comfortable for anyone involved? Spoon or something, damn.
- Well Lucinda already stole the baby-smashing Psalm so I guess I’ll settle for Psalm 38:7 where King David informs us that he has (quote) “a loathsome sickness in my loins”
- Crabs are not kosher.
- Proverbs 21:31 … “The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the LORD.” … So you absolutely cannot affect the outcome … of anything … your entire life … “It’s stupid for us to even use the word ‘outcome’. But fruitlessly try hard anyway! … So I can watch and laugh.”
- psalm 53:1 The fool hath aid in his heart there is not god” I hate how many times a pius garbage human being has said this to me….also baby smashing. Also I don’t know if or where there is a place to talk about this but all of job is like a friend who’s drunk and wants to call his ex and you spend all night fighting him away from his cell phone and he wants to call her and he wants to call her so finally you let him and all he does is call her a bitch and hang up.
So on that odd but succinct summary, we’ll bid a not-so-fond farewell to the Wisdom books and move tantalizingly close to the end of the Old Testament.
So that … was the “wise” part??? … Doesn’t bode well for anyone, if they just climaxed on their wisdom. What are they gonna do now? … Start predicting stuff?!?
Yeah, for a climax that took so long you’d have expected something bigger and more viscous. Anyway, Eli, Lucinda, Heath, thanks again for fighting through the boredom and insanity.
It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. We don’t have a lot of time for this tonight so I won’t bother expounding on what the term “listener feedback” means, and instead I’ll trust you to puzzle it out for yourselves.
We got several emails, tweets, Facebook messages, et cetera regarding our characterization of a DO as opposed to an MD. I believe Noah referred to Osteophathic Manipulative Medicine as “Magic bullshit doctors” and I called a DO the “Go-Bot, Mr. Pibb GED” of the medical world. And apparently many of our listeners believe we were in error. Matthew sums it up, writing (quote)
“In your last episode, you […] were remarking on, and mocking a new creationist medical school. I have no problem with that. An, as of yet, unaccredited medical school founded on the principles of anti-science deserves not just your mockery, but everyone’s outright contempt.
However, your implication that the degrees they are awarding, DOs, rather than MDs implies a lesser degree of medical education is flat out wrong. While I have no faith (pun intended) in Liberty university’s ability to teach medicine in a legitimate, therapeutic, manner; that has little or nothing to do with the fact they are offering DO degrees. The fact is, Allopathic (MD) vs. Osteopathic (DO), are putatively equivalent in the medical community, and facultatively identical in terms of medical residency, specialization, and medical licensing requirements; at least in the USA.
Okay, so maybe the GED bit was a bit harsh, but other than that I don’t know that we actually got it wrong.
Right… DOs are real doctors… Just not Doctor Peppers … But nobody’s saying Mr. Pibb isn’t a real soda. I’m just saying the med schools at Harvard, Stanford, Johns Hopkins, Yale, and Columbia … all serve Dr. Pepper in the cafeteria. Blind taste test, maybe they tie, but people ask for the Doctor.
Exactly. Go-Bots really do transform into little cars.
It’s true, they really do … But regardless … We are fully aware that the “DO” is a perfectly valid doctor degree in standard western medical practice.
Now, as to my comment about Osteopathic medicine being “magic bullshit,” I stand by that. Sure, a DO is a real doctor and has sufficient training in allopathic medicine, but he or she is a real doctor precisely to the extent that they don’t use osteopathic medicine.
Right, if my dentist is also an exorcist carpenter … I guess I’m okay with that, but it’s at least slightly different … And just to be clear allopathic means “medical practices based on science and evidence” … So regardless of what the other thing means …
All that being said, if I left the impression that the medical advice or expertise of a DO didn’t carry the weight of the same shit coming from an MD, I apologize for that. So for the record, DOs learn all the same stuff MDs do and they learn magic bullshit doctoring. But they mostly don’t use the latter.
Maybe the medical community can stop naming important degrees after antiquated, non-evidence based witch-doctory … But I’ll do my best in the future not to exacerbate the problem by making it even more confusing.
And that’s all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep those Tweets, Facebook messages and emails coming. You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Before we seal the envelope tonight I wanted to let you guys know what a fucking champ Heath is. Broke two ribs on a diving play from second base on Sunday, still got the out and was back to work making dick jokes about Jesus the next day like it was nothing. If you’ve ever broken a rib or two, you know how hard it is to laugh with broken ribs, but he was willing to do that for you. A fucking champ.
I also wanted to let you know that “This Week in Misogyny” will be back next week… we just didn’t have room to squeeze it in tonight with the interview and the Wisdom book wrap up. But if you were thinking maybe we’d defeated sexism as a world culture since our last episode, I’m sorry to say that no, it still thrives.
Of course I need to throw another big thanks to Peter Boghossian for giving us some of his time this week. He’s an incredibly nice guy who is in this movement for all the right reasons. We chatted off the air for a bit and the dude’s passion for reason is just palpable. Again, his book is an easy read that is chocked full of the kind of data-driven, empirically tested methodology that we want and need to effectively devangelize. If you haven’t read it yet, be sure to check our website for a link to buy it or just search “A Manual for Creating Atheists” on Amazon.
Also wanted to throw a big thanks to David Smalley for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. Hell of a guy who, as four of you know, hosts the excellent “Dogma Debate” podcast. Very knowledgeable dude and if you don’t believe me, I can prove it. You’ll find his show linked on this week’s shownotes as well.
Of course I have to thank Eli for helping us out again this week. I know that it must seem like I’m trying to run him off by constantly asking him to watch shitty movies and read shitty books, but for some reason he keeps coming back and we’re damn glad that he does.
Obviously I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lugeons for all that she does to make this show happen, which, incidentally, is a hell of a lot more than just the warning, the Babble, This Week in Misogyny and the Bible Stories. Couldn’t make this show go without her.
But, of course, most of all I need to thank this week’s most stellar derivatives of stardust; Julie, Braunz, Paul, Jon, Adam, Samson, Larry, Mark and Joseph. Julie, Braunz and Paul, whose wisdom is so legendary the number forty-two goes to them for answers; Jon, Adam and Samson, who god thanks when he wins awards; and Larry, Mark and Joseph, who could win a game of Monopoly with nothing but Water Works, Electric Company and a copy of Atlas Shrugged.
These nine fine doubters of the divine put a plus sign on our bottom line this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the words ending in I-N-E it takes to give us money, but if you’re benign and inclined, you’ll can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll find linked on our homepage… directly to the left of the donate button you can click if you’d like to make a one time donation.
And if you’d like to help us out but fuck all that donatin’ shit, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes. We’re getting really close to four hundred and twenty reviews on American iTunes and if you don’t know the significance of that amount, I’m not gonna tell you. Oh, and check us out on Stitcher because we’re fucking killing it on Stitcher and a few more people listening to us there could push us all the way to the number one Atheist podcast on that platform. Cause look out, Dillahunty, here we eventually possibly come.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints.
Warning: This episode is sexy.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Halal-iburton: Iraq’s newest monopoly brand of Muslim-friendly snack foods.
Halal-iburton: Iraq’s favorite snackfood since the undisclosed year when we hatched our sinister plot.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s July 17th,
And kids in Cleveland want their jerseys back from the homeless people in Miami.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from “America’s City of Light” New York, New York,
And “America’s City of Lite Beer” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
- Liberty University makes “God Particle Physics” a new pre-req for med students,
- We’ll instigate a holy war,
- And a Tennessee judge suggests a compromise, in which lesbians will be cured slowly – two weekends a month – by the National Guard.
But first, the Diatribe…
You know, it would be easier to come up with a new diatribe every week if the theists didn’t just keep saying the same shit. But unfortunately, they’re stuck in their circular flowchart of debunked arguments and discredited assertions and we, as atheists, are doomed to spend our lives forever trying to drown the same rubber duckies.
Astute listener LeWayne shared a recent article from Slate last Tuesday, but I didn’t allow myself to read it right away. By Tuesday I’m so heavy in prep for the new episode that I couldn’t afford the three hours of rage the headline promised. The title of the piece was, “Atheists Used to Take the Idea of God Seriously… That’s Why They Mattered.” It a book review by a babbling urethra named Michael Robbins.
Now, ostensibly, it’s a review of Nick Spencer’s new history of atheism titled “Atheists: The Origin of the Species,” but one could be forgiven for reading the whole article without ever realizing that, as Robbins is far more focused on pining for the good old days when atheists would shut the fuck up and show religious people deference. In this, he’s really no different than the climate change denialists pissing and whining for equal air time with the people who know stuff and use facts.
His argument, in so much as he offers one, is that religion is more complicated than atheists give it credit for. He admits that religion is hard to define, so hard, in fact, that he makes no effort whatsoever, except to say that we have it wrong. But he rejects the claim that the god hypothesis should be treated as a scientific theory and here’s his justification: The primary purpose of religion isn’t to explain where the universe came from; it’s to tell people how to live their lives.
Yes, you stammering fuck-knob, we know that… we fully understand that the real purpose of religion is to control people’s lives and dictate their morals. That’s why we’re actively working against it. If religion was nothing more than a stupid way of explaining cosmic origins it would hardly be dangerous at all, would it? He references Dawkin’s assertion that religion is a competing explanation for facts about the universe and life and call it (quote) “bullshit”… because apparently telling people how to live their lives doesn’t count as a fact about… life?
He tries the “non-overlapping magisteria” gambit when he tells us that science and religion ask different questions about different things. But again, we already know that… science asks answerable questions about real things. That’s what makes it science. And while we’re on the subject, nobody in the atheist movement begrudges religious people for asking questions… it’s when they start offering answers that we tell them to shut up during grown up time.
But just in case that didn’t stick, he has a few more worn out apologetics to throw against the wall. He gives us the whole “How did something come from nothing?” nonsense and apparently he’s well aware of how science actually answers that question, but dismisses it because real nothing wouldn’t contain quantum fluctuations or laws of physics. So he imagines a state of being unobserved in the universe and unsupported by any scientific model… a space so empty it doesn’t even contain the laws of physics and demands that atheists explain why that state of being doesn’t exist. And no, by the way, he makes no effort at all to explain why the existence of quantum fluctuations is somehow harder to account for than the existence of omnipotent, conscious creative entities that care who we fuck.
He then points out that he’s not just “atheist-bashing” when he says we’re ignorant, unthinking automatons blindly swearing allegiance to Richard Dawkins by pointing out (I swear he really does this) that some of his best friends are atheists. Just the good kind that shuts the fuck up and takes him seriously.
And that’s the whole argument in a nutshell. “It okay if you know I’m wrong, but at least pretend like I’m reasonable! At least pretend like there’s some legitimate debate. The very least you could do is hold my claims to a different set of standards than all other claims. God damn it, I matter!”
But they don’t matter. No actual science is still hashing out the god thing. No physicists are losing sleep over the Kalam cosmological argument. No biologists are comparing their findings to the “god did it” model. No ethicists are proposing the “cause god’ll burn you in hell” approach. No doctors are prescribing prayer. No lawyers are invoking the “devil really did make him do it” defense. No financial planner is figuring in the “they’re about due for a miracle” variable. No meteorologists are factoring in god’s wrath.
The god hypothesis failed. The conversation is over. Religion lost. It’s only relevant in the imaginary academic disciplines they made up to talk about religion. And I’m sure that fact is really inconvenient for the Michael Robbins of the world and all, but nothing they’ve done in the last ten thousand years justifies wasting any more of our intellectual prowess seriously entertaining the “it’s all the whim of a magical Jew” paradigm.
Joining me for headlines tonight is every Jihadis dream target Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to earn your fatwa?
Are you kidding me? The tattoo of Mohammed on my stomach waves when I jiggle. What do I have to do? …
The truffle shuffle at a few more mosques, I suppose…
…Hey you guys!!! Fatwa!!!
In our lead story tonight, the pope didn’t say a goddamn thing, now look at the birdies… if you trust Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi, but we don’t, so we’ll report it the other way, in which Pope Fran-Sybian said in an interview last week that about one of every fifty Catholic priests is a child-rapist. Though the pope said this should, for some reason, comfort him, he finds it almost disturbing enough to act upon.
“So if everyone just makes sure they only know about 40 or so priests – call it 49 max – we’ll all be fine … It’s like cutting the ace of spades … Pretty much impossible.”
Of course, the interview in question wasn’t on tape and the Vatican spokesman denies the pope said shit that was on tape, so no shock that they denied key elements of this report. His most vociferous protests revolved around reports that the pope said child-sex-abusers were prevalent even among Bishops and Cardinals. They also disputed the two percent number, though advocacy groups believe the actual percentage to be almost three times as high.
Sounds like the Pope didn’t say some pretty damning stuff. And how did he decide on “not saying” the 2% number, specifically??? He knows the minimum real number, and decided to deflate it by a “believable amount”???
Assuming Pope Frankle-Biter actually said this, I’m sure his hope was that we would all point out that experts estimate that as many as two percent of all adult males may be pedophiles. That being said, if his number is accurate, that would mean for every ten pedophiles that apply, they hire an average of ten. (But that means they can magically identify pedophiles with 100% accuracy!!! … And hire them!!! Exactly!!!) Lombardi’s focus on the percentage being way lower for Bishops and Cardinals is even harder to get a handle on, as this would mean that they know which ones are fucking kids and don’t promote them. And while that’s no doubt true, it’s nowhere near as bad as pretending the kid-rapers just keep slipping through the well-lubed cracks.
If they made it a “fire-able offense” … that would be a good first step. Then maybe focus on “not hiring” the rapists. Baby steps.
Of course, arguing over what percentage of priests fuck kids is a distraction from the real issue, which is the continued global cover up and active sheltering of the kiddie-diddlers. In other words, it’s probably best to get to the hospital before trying to decide how many of the snakes that just bit you were poisonous.
Pope: 2% of Catholic priests are pedophiles: http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jul/14/pope-francis-priests-paedophiles-la-repubblica
And in “GI Jane Lynch” news, Tennessee magistrate Judge Joe Rehyansky recently suggested on conservative propaganda site, The Daily Caller, that lesbians (but not gays) should be allowed to join the military. Why?!? He believes the onslaught of unsolicited dick in the barracks would cure these women of their preference for consensual vagina … But unfortunately the existing straight female soldiers aren’t a bunch of rapists, so the plan wouldn’t also work for curing the gays.
Ah, the old “Banky Edwards” Good-deep-dicking theory of sexual reorientation. What does it say about religious conservatives that they’re suggestion for curing gay men is praying for them and for gay women it’s fucking them?
The “Private Pyle, Private Mound” idea was actually so stupid and offensive, that even Tucker Carlson’s The Daily Caller made retractions. But before they did, Judge Joe got out several pearls of wisdom to the world. Some of those pearls actually still remain on the site, because they’re really good at drawing lines.
This shit read like an anthropological love poem to rape. The dude literally talks about men swinging through trees to subdue and impregnate as many women as they could, then wiped down his keyboard and added, “It was a tough job, but someone had to do it.”
In another such example, he explains that the natural order during hunter/gatherer times was – by necessity – very rapey … and therefore marvels that women ever got to make vaginal choices before the times of Mace and rape whistles. But now that women have those protections – the judge laments – they’re free to choose “zero penises” … which is a big problem.
But in this assholes mind, being a woman is like being Harry Potter… you don’t choose the wand, the wand chooses you.
Ok so here’s Rehyansky’s since-retracted solution: (quote) “Get the distaff part of our homosexual population off our collective ‘Broke Back’, thus giving straight male GIs a fair shot at converting lesbians and bringing them into the mainstream.” (end quote) … And as much as I appreciate his feeble attempt at gay movie wordplay, he needs to be sodomized by lesbians with huge clits until he cries “Gay Aunt” and stops liking vagina.
As much as I love the visual, I think we’ll have to leave the 30 seconds on the clock for now… I don’t think I have enough Homophobic-Judge-Lesbian-Anal-Clit-Rape titles in me.
Judge: Lesbians can be cured by male soldiers: http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2010/11/26/us-judge-says-lesbians-can-be-cured-by-male-soldiers/
And in “String Theory For Dummies” news tonight, the Freedom From Religion Foundation has challenged the right of Miami Jews to use public property to fool their notoriously stupid deity. This story involves what is known as an “Eruv”, which is ridiculous even compared to other Jewish god-baffles.
Is this the one where the Jewish guys – who are expecting a Siberian snowstorm in July at any moment – walk around Williamsburg, Brooklyn with enormous amounts of yarn, instead of carrying their wallet and keys in a backpack???
That’s the one, yes. So among the myriad arbitrary things jew god doesn’t let his chosen people do on the Sabbath is carry stuff in their pockets in public. But with a quick bit of spiritual MacGyvering, Jews can get around the rule by tying a string around their whole community, thus fooling god into thinking it’s not a public place, but a “private” community. The problem, of course, is that the FFRF is a little more observant than Jew-god and still realizes despite the string that those places are public property.
Honestly, I can see why the author made the Old Testament God character so pissed. God tells them to empty their pockets before they leave the house, and instead they tie a string to the front door and carry the spool around the city of Miami like a lunatic.
<<You go out with some scissors and you could take hostages.>>
The FFRF argues that as innocuous as the strings may be they’re still religious symbols that serve a purpose only for people of one religion and thus should be treated no different than a crucifix placed on public land. The local Jewish community has yet to respond, as they’re still trying to figure out how all us gentiles outwitted their magic string.
And in “Educational Malpractice” news, Liberty University of Lynchburg, Tennessee – the Young Earth Creationist institution of lower learning founded by Jerry Falwell – is set to launch it’s own medical school next semester … Which makes about as much sense as the home of Jack Daniels being a dry county.
I wonder if their stance on evolution will require them to perpetually use the flu vaccine from 1938.
The school is only provisionally accredited at the moment, and won’t even be eligible for consideration to be fully accredited until it’s first class is about to graduate. And regardless, they won’t be granting actual MD degrees, but instead DO’s … which are kind of like the GoBot Mr. Pibb GED of the doctor world. So clearly, whoever’s in charge of that, doesn’t want to grant them anything until they demonstrate adherence to a proper curriculum that’s been shown to actually heal things.
And it doesn’t help that it’s a school of “Osteopathic Manipulative Medicine”, which, for those who aren’t familiar with the term, means “Magic bullshit doctor.” This is quackery to the second power here. Creationists creating Chiropractors?
Right so they’re not gonna be allowed to graduate creationist doctors unless, for example, they manage to catch two birds, kill one, dip the live one in the dead one’s blood, sprinkle the blood on a leper, add 8 more ridiculous procedures, and cure him … Barring that, the medical board’s gonna insist on antibiotics … from real doctors, instead of Leviticus remedies from insane people.
Hey, don’t knock it… my grandma had dead-bird, blood-sprinkled-altar therapy and it did wonders for her electromagnetic hypersensitivity and her Morgellons disease.
Creationist med school to open in August: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/15/liberty-university-will-soon-launch-its-own-medicine-school
And from the “We were gonna tell AIDS jokes anyway” file, Maryland pastor Kwabena Sarpong informed a despondent crowd at a fourth of July “Celebrate America” event that we’re only one religious revival away from curing HIV.
Then what the fuck are they waiting for?!? Have another revival and cure AIDS!!! Usefully predict one single good thing that happens!!! … Once!!!
Drawing on the church’s long tradition of knowing stuff and curing things, Sarpong explained that the deviantly secular America would turn to the church if science could just fail to cure HIV long enough, thus implying that everyone who died of AIDS was part of a divine “they’re not lookin’ at me” temper tantrum.
So this guy is saying: “There’s a disease that scientists haven’t cured yet, so atheists will soon assume the only explanation is an asshole god being ‘mysterious’.”
It’s also worth noting that according to Sarpong, provided gay rights don’t irreconcilably damage our nation first, we will turn to god when AIDS patients give up on medicine and let religious people lay hands on them at which time they will (quote) “start walking” (end quote). So yes, apparently god has the power to make people with AIDS walk, along with other miracles Sarpong has witnessed including giving earrings to the deaf and regrowing the beards of amputees.
Pastor says church will soon cure AIDS: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/pastor-religious-right-event-predicts-church-will-soon-cure-hiv
Yeah it’s important to get plenty of walking and other exercise while you’re experiencing multiple organ failure … And in “Rubber Meets the Robe” news, the recent SCOTUS ruling on Hobby Lobby was so awful and backwards, that it created – against all odds – a progressive faction of Christianity that is now scrambling to distance itself from the fundamentalists, in one particular case by handing out condoms in front of an Illinois Hobby Lobby store earlier this month … Not that dudes buying paint for their Battlestar: Galactica figurines are largely at risk of needing birth control. But I like the effort, regardless.
No self respecting man would buy his Battlestar: Galactica figurine paint at Hobby Lobby. Hell, they don’t even carry “Cylon Silver”.
At the very least, the condom giveaway seems to have been more successful than the bigoted reverse campaign of West Virginia army wife, Holly Fisher … Being extremely well-read on the intricacies of political science, Amy Fisher tweeted a picture of herself outside a Hobby Lobby, with a “Pro-Life” T-shirt, and a Chic-Fil-A soda cup.
Over under eleven for the number of bumper stickers on her car? I’d take the over.
Feeling this was too subtle, she decided to up the ante with another picture, which has since landed her large amounts of social media attention, and made her look even dumber, if that was possible. Her second pic was a Fourth of July tribute, with an American flag in the background, a Bible in one hand, and an assault rifle in the other …
And the ashes of a bald eagle clenched between her ass cheeks…
When someone quickly juxtaposed this shot with one of every jihadist pic ever, it became clear the only difference was the Koran, and a different colored flag. And now she’s the butt of the joke in an internet meme, which refers to her as “Holly Hobby Lobby” and “The Face of the American Taliban”.
Shoulda learned it from Oswald. Those pictures of you sexually aroused by your firearm always come back to haunt you.
Clergy protest SCOTUS by handing out condoms at Hobby Lobby (Rubber meets the robe news?): http://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/07/03/3456254/clergy-protest-scotus-decision-by-handing-out-condoms-at-illinois-hobby-lobby-store/<<AND>>Twat learns to tweet: http://www.ibtimes.com/who-holly-fisher-holly-hobby-lobby-now-internet-meme-called-american-taliban-1621310<<and>> http://www.newsday.com/news/nation/holly-fisher-army-mom-sets-off-twitter-firestorm-with-gun-flag-and-bible-photo-1.8744536
And in “I’ll Show You Where the Beef Is” news tonight, Christian radio host and stuttering homophobic Bryan Fischer is apoplectic this week over Burger King’s new “Proud Whopper”. In a commendable effort to embrace the current century and a less commendable effort to associate gay people with a restaurant known for shoving disappointingly small amounts of shriveled meat between dry, flaky buns; Burger King unveiled a new rainbow wrapped whopper with a message that read, “We’re all the same inside.”
“…Colon full of something called meat.” … This sounds like more of a “Five Guys Burgers and Fries” campaign … Or maybe In N Out Burger … Double Double Manimal Style!!!
The “Proud Whopper” was part of a limited time campaign in the San Francisco area that included an online video of customer’s reactions to the new packaging. One woman on the video said the message on the wrapper made her cry. She then revealed herself to be a first time Burger King customer by adding, (quote) “A burger’s never made me cry before.”
“Next on Doctor Oz … Where do Ass Burgers fall on the Autism Rainbow Spectrum???”
As touching as this inclusivity was to some, Fischer lamented over the decision saying (quote) “I think this is a marketing mistake… because I gotta guarantee you, when people sit down to eat a hamburger, the last thing they want to be thinking about is two guys having sex.” (end quote). Because how could one possibly be expected to look at a rainbow colored fast food wrapper and not visualize a dick being rammed into a man’s ass? Just suck a cock, Bryan! One cock… I promise you, you’re gonna love it. Just let go, step out of the closet and suck the first cock you find… you can use mine if you want to, just embrace your transparent desire to tongue-buff a hairy pair of testicles already.
Have you ever seen the people that walk into a Des Moines, Iowa Burger King??? The rainbow wrapper and the image of ‘dude on dude’ might not help, but they’re eating those 3 fucking Whoppers!!!
Christian Radio Host: “Burger King is gonna make us eat them Gay burgers!” http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/07/11/christian-radio-host-fears-iowans-may-be-forced-to-eat-gay-pride-burger/
And finally tonight, from the “Gay Coffee Scalded My Balls” file: A slow-witted, overly-sensitive Christian named Joseph Parker got a job at a gay bar. So keeping in mind he deserves whatever he gets, here’s the rest of the story …
Except buttrape. Because we at the Scathing Atheist do not endorse butt-raping Christians.
So just get that out of your head … Parker wanted to find a pleasant Jesus-y work environment, so he decided the best place was an alcohol store for homosexuals called “Sidetrack”, in a neighborhood of Chicago called Boystown. He became offended by the hilarious anti-religious humor in clips shown on comedy night, such as South Park’s The Spirit of Christmas, and decided to sue the bar for religious harassment.
If you don’t want to be insulted, find a less stupid religion. It’s that easy. Jesus getting his ass kicked by Santa is funny. Nothing a court of law can do about that.
Exactly!!! Now the complaint about the videos is only one part of this litigious asshole’s case, but fortunately reason prevailed on this particular issue. Judge Amy St. Eve rejected the “cartoon is harassment” claim, pointing out that any reasonable person can see that what happens on the televisions … is NOT the offensive part of a gay bar to a Christian employee.
Right. What the hell was even claiming? “They didn’t just play South Park clips… they played South Park clips at me?”
At some point this story clearly needed to turn into … 30 seconds on the clock … “Offensive Cartoons to Scare Away Shitty Christian Busboys From Their Job at the Gay Bar” … GO!!!
Maybe we could count down all the sex acts Jesus hates in “101 Damnations”
“Erect it Ralph”
“A Gland Before Time”
Since we started with animal stuff anyway … “Booty and the Beastiality” ???
And for the gutsier bestial “The Lion Kink”
“Mo, Dwight, and the Seven Dwarfs”
What about a team of gender reassignment superheroes called “The Ex-Men?”
“Beavis and Butthead do an American Tail: Fievel Goes South”
“How to Drain Your Dragon”
“Adopted Family Guys”
Reaching way back here… “The Last Eunuch Porn”
I don’t want to sound like a queer or nothin’, but eunuch porns are kick-ass … Okay done quoting that cinematic classic called “Orgazmo” …
What about “Sex Toy Story” ??? <Round 7 – Step it up!> … with Spuzz Lightyear
Now I’m imagining the Pixar logo, but with a fleshlight instead of the little desk lamp… what about “Captain More than 6000 year old Planet?” That’ll piss ‘em off.
“White and Cloudy with a Lance of Meat, … Balls”
“Phallus and Gromit: Curse of the Queer-Rabbit”
“The Litte Mermaid Money Shots” … AKA … “Under the Semen” … AKA … “Blinding Nemo”
“The Cocky and Ball-Wrinkle Show?”
“Manimaniacs” … And the lesbian one was “Shiny Poon Adventures”
“Chalice in Wonderland” and the sequel, of course, “Through the Hooking Ass”
Maybe a Lindsay Lohan lesbian jail porn? … cartoon? … Since that’s completely a propos right now … What about: “Li-Lo and Bitch” ???
And because you can never get enough Lindsay Lohan lesbian jail porn, how about “Hey There, It’s Li-Lo-gi Bare?” Just one of the many fine programs from Lindsay Lo-Hanna Bars-Bare-All productions.
“Sponge Bob’s Spare Pants” … Things got messy with Patrick’s starfish … And then again with the spare pants … It’s a jizz mopper joke.
Judge rejects claim that playing “South Park” at gay bar creates hostile work environment for religious employees: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/05/judge-rejects-claim-that-anti-christian-comedy-clips-played-at-gay-bar-created-a-hostile-work-environment
Well it’s kind of a universal sign that when the jizz mopper shows up, we’re done, so I guess that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back the glass will be a little streaky.
This Week in Misogyny:
Okay, so I want to be careful because I don’t want to turn this segment into “This week in men saying dumb shit about rape”. But as I perused the headlines this week it became inevitable that this was gonna be another rape-week. So let’s take an international rape trip together and learn about all the new types of rapist the world has to offer. I’d ask your permission, but then it might end up being a consensual trip.
We’ll start in the rape cultural capital of the world, India, where we meet the “uncontrollable” rapist. These nomadic barbarians apparently wander on to Indian beaches and snap into frantic rape frenzies if they see female navels. Minister Sudin Diaper-Licker warns about these types while reminding women not to tempt them by publicly wearing bikinis.
Diaper-Licker head’s the public works department for India’s wealthiest state and his proposal for preventing the unending, statewide rape epidemic is for the women to dress less rapeably. But don’t worry, one-pieces aren’t the only suggestion he offers to improve the safety of India’s women. He also suggest not wearing short skirts.
Bikinis to blame for Indian rapes, says state minister: http://www.theguardian.com/travel/2014/jul/02/bikinis-blame-sex-crimes-goa-beaches-minister?CMP=fb_gu
The next stop on our tour lands us in the United Kingdom where we meet the “Classic Rapist”. I can’t tell you exactly what a “Classic Rapist” is, but I can tell you that convicted rapist Lee Setford isn’t one of them. After being found guilty of raping a woman who was asleep on his couch, the judge explained that Setford wasn’t “a classic rapist,” adding, (quote) “you’re not the type who goes searching for a woman to rape” (end quote).
Now before you go condemning this neo-rapist in your head, I should mention some of the other mitigating circumstances His Honor pointed out. First of all, the young woman was (quote) “a pretty girl who [he] fancied” but perhaps more importantly, he (quote) “simply couldn’t resist.”
No word on whether the victim was also guilty of bikini wearing, but I think we can all agree that any woman who loses consciousness without locking her iron panties is just asking for it.
Don’t worry, he wasn’t a “classical rapist”, he just lost control, says Judge: http://www.salon.com/2014/07/03/judge_says_man_who_raped_sleeping_woman_is_not_a_classic_rapist_just_lost_control/
And finally, we head back to the good old USA to a man so misogynistic he’s in the intro to this segment. You may recall Todd Akin as the man who introduced us to “Legitimate rape” while aborting his senatorial bid back in 2012. This led to several futile weeks of apologies and he’s back in the news again with another apology…. for the last apology.
Despite disavowing those statements repeatedly in the media aftermath, this week he revealed in an op-ed that he had his fingers crossed the whole time and was secretly “not sorry”.
Akins doubled down on the claim that the stress of rape kills sperm despite there being no actual evidence to support his bullshit. He invites those who doubt him to simply google “stress and fertilization” because the google never lies.
Todd Akin apologizes for apoligizing for rape comment: http://freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula/2014/07/11/todd-akin-is-sorry-that-he-was-sorry/
That’s all I have for you this week and after spending the whole segment discussing patriarchal excuses for rape, I kind of wish we’d just had another bunny-punching story to talk about. I’ll be back next week unless we somehow rid the world of sexism between now and then.
Hello, this is god.
Afternoon god, this is Sally with Facebook.
Sally. How the hell are you?
Be careful god, you know how nervous I get when you use my name and “hell” in the same sentence.
(chuckles) So what can I do for you today, Sally?
Just a couple prayer requests that met their “like” threshold. There’s the little girl in Racine with the heart valve issue; there’s the down syndrome kid in Mechanicsburg that got his penis caught in the tractor… there’s… let’s see… I’ve got a kid in Omaha with Leukemia that got his ten thousand likes… not the black kid, of course…
Listen, Sally… this was great the first couple of times, but if we’re gonna keep doing this, I think we need to up the limit a bit. Maybe a million likes?
I’ll pass that suggestion along, but I don’t see my supervisors acting on it, to be honest.
I’m serious. Last month I wasted a perfectly good miracle giving some kid in Phoenix a fully functional Iron Man suit. And I still haven’t gotten around to brimstoning Justin Bieber…
Well, we would advise you to budget your time better, god.
Hey, look, back when I agreed to this I never knew it was gonna get out of hand so quickly. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.
Look buddy, you’re omnipotent, but you’re not “Zuckerberg” omnipotent. You’ve got a contract with us through 2018 and we’ll raise the minimum if and when we decide to.
Alright. So where was I…
Right. The old woman with the heart murmur in Springfield, Missouri only hit eight thousand so go ahead and kill her… oh, but her dog had a tumor and he got ten thousand likes so a miraculous remission there whenever you get a chance.
That kid with the two heads in India didn’t get ten thousand likes, did he?
Not even close.
Oh, good… cause I don’t know how the hell I was gonna fix that. Whoo… what a fuck up that was.
Not to worry, God, we specialize in affluent white children.
Oh, hey, do you talk to Satan at all?
Of course. I see him in the cafeteria all the time.
Is he… um… what’s he been up to?
He’s hard at work on the new page design.
Can you maybe… tell him I said hi?
Yeah, God… I’ll tell him… again.
Tell him I’m keeping pretty busy up here, though, you know? Those parking spaces aren’t just gonna find themselves. Yes, sirree, I’m still happy that we broke up and all… but still tell him I said hi.
Will do, God.
Thanks Sally. Oh, and sorry about the thing with the bus and your uncle Rick.
Oh, nevermind… sorry, that’s next week. My bad…
Wait… what thing?
Nothing… gotta run
God? <Dial Tone> God? God… Damn you…
Poem – Song of Solomon
When I decided to write a poem for each book of the bible, I didn’t realize how often that would leave me writing poems about bad poems. So when it came to “Song of Solomon” I figured we could just give it a modern reboot. “Song of Solomon” is a love poem in three parts, the man, the woman and a group of friends.
So joining me for the poem tonight is Lucinda, playing the part of the woman… sorry to typecast you, baby… and playing the part of the “friends” will be the intrepid Heath Enwright. You guys ready?
Alright… “Song of Solomon,” in rhyme:
Man: My lover, my lady, I think of you lately; every time that I pasture my sheep.
I think of you often in an effort to soften; if things get hard when I’m trying to sleep.
Woman: My lover, my suitor, I have a dripping wet cooter, which is a breed of American turtle,
And the land where I dwell, was as hard as his shell, but you left my soil soft, plowed and fertile.
Friends: My companions, my friends; I think we know how this ends; as your passions are sure to prevail.
I see you connected, as love is erected; In fact, I’ve pictured it in vivid detail.
Man: My cohort, my chum, I want her to come; Again to my chamber and linger;
Friends: It’s clear you’re enamored, so just get her hammered; and when you’re done, let me smell your fingers.
Woman: My acquaintance, my pal; he should grace my canal; but how should I offer this plea?
Friends: Hmm… In the midst of a chat; simply tell him all that, but when you say “canal”, maybe leave off the “C”?
Man: My beauty, my love, your eyes are like doves, and your teeth are like damp, naked goats.
Friends: That comparison’s shit.
Man: Yes, I’ll freely admit, that’s not the sexiest of biblical quotes.
Woman: My darling, my beau; I want you to know, that when I think of you I tingle inside.
I throb and I shiver, and tremble and quiver, or at least I did until the batteries died.
Man: But at last we’re united;
Friends: Squeeze her tits, dude,
Man: Be quiet;
Woman: Hey listen, that’s advice you should follow.
Man: My love, my divine, let me pour you some wine.
Woman: It won’t be the last thing tonight that I’ll swallow.
Man: You should lie on the bed,
Woman: This wine’s gone to my head, so have your way with me before I get sleepy.
Friends: Go ahead man, just kiss her.
Man:My lover, my sister…
Woman: Don’t call me that; it’s fucking creepy.
Man: My angel, my dear, you seem burdened, I fear;
Woman: I am love.
Man: By what?
Woman: All this clothing.
Man: I’ll see that undone.
Friends: Well you two have fun; I’ll be out here beating off to her moaning.
Woman: My suitor,
Man: My lover;
Woman: Below him,
Man: Above her;
Woman: With his sweat dripping down on my head. My lover,
Man: My lady,
Woman: My darling,
Man: My baby; I’m sorry, but that wasn’t sweat.
Man: My love, a proposal,
Man:I suppose I’ll; wait to ask until you’re done sucking.
Woman: <swallows hard> Go ahead.
Man: I think we should wed.
Friends: I pronounce you man and wife, now get back to the fucking.
It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback. This is the part of the show with a segment title that’s so self explanatory, it needs no additional explanation but I always feel the need to put a sentence here anyway.
Our first email comes from Sweden where Filip asks for a little clarification on the Hobby Lobby ruling we’ve been talking about the last couple of weeks. Specifically, he wondered if we could elaborate on the term “sincerely held religious belief” and what that means from a legal perspective.
Yeah, that’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? As near as I can tell, the testicled members of the Supreme Court plan to use a combination of FMRIs and nanobots to determine the sincerity of one’s beliefs because if they couldn’t do that, it would be an impossible to apply legal standard that could only lead to the wealthier and more litigious believers gaining privileges the rest of us don’t have, huh?
Maybe they could make a list of all the laws we are allowed to break from now on. I’m drawing up the bible for my new religion …
But if we haven’t talked this thing to death yet, I do hope to get somebody on with a background in law that has enough familiarity with this case to answer Filip’s questions and several of my own.
We also got an email from Terry who is wondering when we’ll have the Diatribes collected as an audiobook for our visually impaired listeners. And I know that seems like it would be really easy to do… If only Noah had all the audio files of the individual diatribes already recorded to give him a head start…
Right, but finding the time to record all the intros, put it altogether and edit it so the sound levels are consistent has proven to be a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be. I promise, I am working on it, though, and I hope to have it done by the end of the month unless some other unforeseen thing is hard.
And Noah’s old and married, so that would be unforeseen.
We also got a Tweet or three from @BangsNaughtyBit who thought we were a little hard on pastor Ricky Martin in last week’s lead story. You’ll recall he was the pastor that was running the refuge for sex offenders in Alabama. And to be honest, when you give Heath and me an Alabama trailer park full of sex offenders, that’s like our air.
Yeah this guy’s absolutely right … I’d like to issue a self-proclaimed completely genuine apology to the guy that made the perfectly reasonable decision to hoard convicted sex offenders in his backyard redneck terrarium … I’m so very sorry. You’re a gentleman and a biblical scholar.
That being said, after reading up a little more on the story I think Naughty Bits is probably right and while it does make for great dick joke fodder, I was a little harsh on the dude when I called him the “bad” Ricky Martin. I know they have laws that say that sex offenders aren’t allowed to live within a thousand miles of a thing at this point and as hard as it is to sympathize with sex offenders, they do have to actually live somewhere. And anybody with any sense knows to keep their kids away from churches so that’s as good a place for them as any, I suppose.
I thought convicted sex offenders were supposed to get murdered in jail … What’s up with the Alabama jail system???
Certainly not the first time those words were assembled in an incredulous inquiry. So anyway, Pastor Martin was reaching out to help and even if it was in a way that kind of screams “terrible idea”, it’s almost certainly not as bad as “Living La Vida Loca.”
And finally tonight, an email from Karen, whose daughter is going to her first bible study next week. She writes;
“… I was inclined to tell her she couldn’t go, but I don’t want to deny her time with her best friend and I don’t want to force my worldview on her the way my parents forced theirs on me. At the same time, I want to arm her against the type of indoctrination I know takes place at things like this. Any advice?”
So first of all, I want to take issue with the concept of not wanting to force your worldview on your kids. That’s a pretty common thing amongst atheists for exactly the reason Karen describes; my parents crammed their religion down my throat and I don’t want to cram my atheism down my kid’s throats.
Yeah atheists tend to be better about the … throat cramming kids stuff.
But I look at this as a false analogy. Cramming reason down somebody’s throat isn’t the same as brainwashing them. If your parents raised you to believe in Shamanic medicine and then you grew up and learned about Western medicine, you wouldn’t let your kid explore both and make up their mind. You would tell them about the one that’s real and warn them about the other one.
You can’t really “brainwash” the idea of: “Be flexible based on the data.” That’s not a crammable thing.
Exactly… but I guess one way or the other it makes for a good top ten list. So top ten warnings to give a non-religious kid going to their first bible study.
- 10 – Don’t worry, they’ll provide you with knee pads … Some of them are even built-in.
- 9 – The Bible isn’t the one with Voldemort in it.
- 8 – Don’t be female.
- 7 – Remember, if it has talking animals, it’s fantasy…
- 6 – It has talking animals.
- 5 – Ask yourself the whole time, “Is this more fun than Minecraft?”
- 4 – You know all those stupid kids in your class? They often become adults. Just keep that in mind.
- 3 – Just remember, if you decide to be religious, you’re not allowed to touch yourself.
- 2 – And no, not even the “Dutch Rudder” … or the “Israeli Jib Sheet”
- 1 – Don’t forget your rape-whistle.
And that’s all the feedback you get. If you want more, send us more emails, Tweets and smoke signals. You’ll find all the contact info on the Contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Before we go quietly into the night I wanted to give everyone a quick update. You might recall a story we shared a couple of weeks back about a humanist couple that were killed in a car accident. We urged our listeners to check out a fundraiser that was set up for their two surviving daughters. Anyway, we got an email from Elena, who was coordinating all of this a couple days back and I wanted to pass her thanks along to our extremely generous listeners. The two girls are back home and doing much better, they send their gratitude, as does Elena, as do I.
I also wanted to remind you that you can catch more me on episodes 188 and 188.5 of the Imaginary Friends Show Dot Com Pode-cast with Jake-Farr Wharton. We were joined by Paul from the Quranify Me Podcast and the skit we just wrapped up as well as Twitter’s very own (at) Amanda the Ablaze. We had a lot of fun, made boob jokes, talked science. If you want to check it out, you’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Also wanted to thank everyone who picked up a copy of our book, “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays from a Godless Misanthrope” over the last couple of weeks. Big upsurge in sales this week so we’re glad to contribute to world literacy. Thanks to everyone who recommended the book, talked it up on Social Media or left us a review on Amazon. And remember, as of next week we’re already halfway through Volume Two, so be sure to pick up your copy of Volume One, quick before it’s old.
I can’t shut her down without thanking Heath once again for all the hats he wears in this operation. I want to thank one of the three or four wives on the planet that would agree to do all the crazy shit I ask Lucinda to do for this podcast.
Obviously I want to toss out a big thanks to Thomas from Thomas and the Bible and Atheistically Speaking; Paul from Quranify Me; and David from My Book of Mormon. Thomas may have won but the competition is damn stiff. I’ll invite you to see for yourself by checking out all of their shows, which you’ll find linked on this week’s shownotes as well.
Of course, I need to thank Terry from the Amateur Skeptics’ Podcast for both providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and for providing me with the image of Homo Habilis women on bicycles wearing lycra. Terry also asked me to plug a charity bike ride coming up in Colorado. It’s a fundraiser to the American Diabetes Association, she’ll be riding a metric century, which is a really long time, I think. Anyway, I poked around a bit on the website and couldn’t find the date, but I did find a donate link, so if any of our fine and charitable listeners would like to help Terry help people with diabetes, you’ll find a link on the homepage of our website as well as on the shownotes for this episode.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most adjectivey nouns; Jay, Tor, Danielle, Tim, Ryan, Chris, David, Benjamin and Erik. Jay, Tor and Danielle, whose tongues are so dextrous they can make an envelope come; Tim, Ryan and Chris, who are so sharp they can’t have any Bs or Es in their names; and David, Benjamin and Erik, who are the only non planetary objects that can affect the global climate when their poles shift.
These nine noble nonbelievers have nudged us that much closer to financial sustainability this week by giving us money. It takes guts to give us money, as well as a skeleton in which to put them. But if you have a skeleton and organs, you, too, can give us money. You can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage.
And if you’d like to help but you’re still saving up for the cybernetic implants, you can also help us a ton by joining the more than 500 awesome people who have taken the time to leave us a five star review on iTunes… or the more than 42 awesome people who have done the same on Stitcher.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints.
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Warning: We use the F word all the fucking time.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Holy Land Rover: Religious Car Emporium of the Gaza Strip.
Looking for a vehicle to heaven? Well we’ve got the next best thing … A vehicle that literally prevents you from going to Hell …
Our Volkswagen Shomer Shab Bus models lockdown on Saturday, and our Islamborghini line has a Y-chromosome ignition system, so bitches can’t even ask.
Holy Land Rover: The first name in Kosher and Hal-All Terrain Vehicles
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s July 10th
And yes, if I’m way more intelligent than you … I’m probably right, and you’re probably wrong.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from foreign terrorists’ favorite target, New York, New York,
And the domestic terrorists shopping at Target, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode,
- An Alabama church’s inbreeder reactor reaches critical mass,
- We’ll get to the part of the bible your grandma masturbates to,
- And we’ll discuss how gay shoes affected this year’s World Cup,
But first, the diatribe.
Two weeks ago, I had all these unhatched chickens. I was gonna blanche ‘em, season ‘em, fry ‘em… slather a little buffalo sauce on their wings… it was gonna be awesome.
And now I’m moping over some improvised scrambled eggs. And I’ll tell you why; like a lot of people, I’ve been looking at the numbers. Year after year I watch the polls roll in and year after year they look ever more promising. So I’m extrapolating. I’m reading the trend lines. And when you do that, you look ahead fifty years or so, and it seems like we could damn near win this fight in my lifetime.
I see articles about how religion could disappear entirely from places like New Zealand and Ireland in that time. I hear my fellow podcasters speculating on the idea that an atheist podcast might be unnecessary in another couple decades… and not just because we’ll have brain-downloadable halo-casts by then. But because there’ll be nobody left to fight. We’ll be like Alexander crying like a bitch over the lack of massacrable mermen in the Indian Ocean.
And their logic is sound, right? If you look at the demographic trends and you do some basic math, it looks like we’re kicking ass. Sure, we’re still outnumbered fifty to one worldwide and about forty to one in the US, but we’re winning. All the evidence is on our side, academia is on our side, religion’s collective PR team has a gatling gun trained on it’s own foot and the numbers are swinging our way at a pretty outstanding clip.
Those are some damn healthy looking eggs. But they’re not chickens.
The Hobby Lobby decision was a huge wake up call for me personally and I think it’s fair to extrapolate that out to the whole atheist community. We’re fools if we think religion is gonna tuck its tail between its legs, abdicate the social throne and go quietly into the night. They’re gonna fight tooth and nail, every step of the way and the closer our chickens come to hatching, the heavier their hammer is gonna get.
The hammer of choice right now is the term “Religious Freedom”, which is starting to scare the hell out of me. There was a time when “Religious Freedom” meant that the government couldn’t pass a law against being Catholic, or make a law saying everyone had to be Baptist. And back when we were using that definition, I was all about it.
But now when they talk about Religious Freedom, what they’re really talking about is “Religious Exemption”; the right to live by a different set of standards than non-religious people. That’s the exact opposite of actual religious freedom. As soon as you set up a law that says, “It’s okay to deny contraceptive care, but only if you’re an evangelical fundamentalist,” or “It’s okay to have a beard around this equipment, but only if you’re a Sikh,” or “It’s okay to suck mutilated baby dicks, but only if you’re a jew,” you can’t have religious freedom.
The entire point of religious freedom is that everyone gets treated equally, regardless of their faith. Do I really need to point out that having a different set of laws for every religion isn’t equality? Does that really need to be articulated?
And I’m sure the supporter of this bullshit worldview would argue that each religion’s beliefs are being given “equal” respect… that’s the point… that’s where the “equality” is; but that’s nonsensical. First of all, it’s just not true. There’s no official government registry of religious beliefs. The only thing that makes a belief a belief in the eyes of the law are how many people espouse it. Obviously if eight people say, “Hey, this is our religion and it allows us to smoke weed and jack off in public,” the courts aren’t gonna protect that “religious belief”. The courts are going to have to decide on a case by case basis what people do and don’t “really believe.”
But secondly, and more importantly, even if it was true, that wouldn’t be a good thing. The religious beliefs we already make exemptions for allow for child abuse, cruelty to animals, misogyny, the medical neglect of children… do we really want to expand that list? And if we do, do we really want to expand it indefinitely?
There’s nothing in the bible about abortion… except that weird magical abortion formula in Numbers. There’s nothing in the bible about contraception. And there’s certainly nothing in the bible about mandatory healthcare minimums. This isn’t a universal Christian value or anything. It’s just what some guy said he believed.
One of the many things that makes this particular case so egregious is that it’s a transparently political belief that is unsubstantiated by the religion in question. And fundamentalist Christianity in America is increasingly a political party. So what we’re doing here is creating a protected political class of people who don’t have to abide by the laws the rest of us agree to if Jesus doesn’t want them to. And again, it’s not like Christ the Savior filed an amicus brief here.
Now, strangely enough, I’m gonna close tonight on a quote from Antonin “The Devil is hiding in my Raisin Bran” Scalia in a decision from 1990 when he completely shot down a religious exemption case that didn’t happen to involve his own religion:
(quote) “To permit this would be to make the professed doctrines of religious belief superior to the law of the land, and in effect to permit every citizen to become a law unto himself.” (end quote)
Apparently in 1990 he still thought that was a bad thing.
Joining me for headlines tonight is stereotypical New Yorker, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to parallel park while eating an everything bagel and bitching about the rest of earth’s inferior pizza?
Stereotypical enough, I guess.
That shit’s not pizza!!! In our lead story tonight, from the “Triple-Ex-Con-gregation” file, Pastor Ricky Martin – of a nameless area near Clanton, Alabama – decided in 2010 to create a trailer park behind his Triumph Church, that has since housed approximately 50 convicted sex offenders … all together … with plenty of like-minded accomplices …
You know you’re doing something fucked up when people have to refer to you as the “bad” Ricky Martin.
In a surprise twist, the state of Alabama had to be the voice of reason, when their inspection of his property revealed that he was either operating a really weird theme park … or he was running an un-licensed training facility for ex-con rapist gypsy bare-knuckle boxers. <I fucking ‘ate pikeys> Either way, they shut it down. And if we’re splitting hairs, the convicted sex offenders might not have been gypsy bare-knuckle boxers, but they were certainly nomadic rednecks, which is close.
Judging by what I’ve seen of Alabama, bare-knuckled sumo wrestlers is probably closer to the mark.
Seems like Alabama will now be facing the extremely awkward task of evenly distributing the convicted rapist horde throughout the state. So some guy … is in charge of – I guess – flipping coins and rolling D20’s to determine which ‘presumably cured’ rapist goes where. Figuring out which towns have the ugliest kids … Weird job.
Yeah, hopefully they can find an enclave in Alabama filled with obesity and inbreeding.
When asked for comment, Pastor Martin may have said (quote): “At first, it was just the homeless other guys from Menudo, but it ballooned into this big thing.” (end quote) … The pastor also pointed out that his tenants haven’t committed any crimes, and that he deserves credit for having not yet injured anyone with his enormous powder keg.
And he’s just assuming there’s no kid fucking going on, right? What are they, on the buddy system? And you know what they say, when you assume, you make an ass rape out of the frisbee going over the wooden fence.
Deleted scenes from “Sandlot”…
Couldn’t have been good when some mom went on one of those pedophile map websites, and saw a ridiculous cluster of 50 red dots on a single church … Any more than the size of the staff, and it’s obviously suspicious.
Alabama shuts down church’s “Sex offender camp”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/02/triumph-church-sex-offender_n_5551226.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And in “Of Fucking Course They Did” news tonight, the day after the Hobby Lobby decision was announced, fourteen religious employers sent a request to the Obama Administration asking that they be exempted from hiring the gays. The coalition includes bigots from a wide swath of white, predominantly male, conservative, Christian institutions; and points out that a pending executive order would make them hire them thar fudge packers and lesbos.
Yes exactly. It would be a very useful bigotry tax. So homophobic, libertarian, Christian assholes can still pollute the world with hate all they want, but they have to buy carbon credits from all the gay corporations that aren’t using them.
In the letter, they pointed out that issuing an anti-discriminatory policy without a religious exemption would mean that people who hate fags because Jesus hated fags would get lumped in with the people that hate fags just because they’re assholes, saying (quote) “We must find a way to respect diversity of opinion on this issue in a way that respects the dignity of all parties…” (end quote). In other words, “You have to find a way to respect my lack of respect to the dignity of others with dignity”
“Where are we supposed to get dignity, if not by stealing it from gays by denying them basic human rights?!? … Don’t tread on me!!! … Go oppress your own dignity from the marginalized!!!”
This is only one flake in an avalanche of religious bigots trying to jerk every drop of sperm they can out of the the conservative court’s latest splooge of stupidity. A jackass restaurateur in South Carolina is suing for his right to refuse service to blacks, citing a religious belief.
Do they mention the 15% thing in the Bible?
So can Muslim-owned corporations now refuse to provide health coverage altogether, because insurance is a form of gambling?!? This whole issue is fucking asinine!!! How does a panel of the nation’s most respected legal scholars not see that this ruling is manifestly untenable?!? Utterly embarrassing!!!
Kind of makes you feel like Ruth Bader Ginsburg had to hurry to the presses with her dissent just so she could have it on the record before it was proven right.
So the ones that were proven to be blatantly wrong … They’re fired right??? For being wrong, when their entire job is to be right??? Kind of a big deal in that position.
Surprise, Surprise, Religious Assholes trying to use Hobby Lobby decision to not hire gays: http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/religious-groups-lgbt-hiring-hobby-lobby
And in “Why Would the Voices in my Head Lie?” news tonight, Pope Frankenstein’s Monster sent a powerful reminder that you can have the sixteenth century when you pry it from his cold dead hand last week when he officially endorsed the “International Association of Exorcists,” a coalition of more than two hundred and fifty demon-wrastlers that spans over 30 countries and contains almost as many IQ points. The organization was started in 1991 by Gabriele Amorth, a priest who thinks the devil can sneak into your brain if you read Harry Potter books or do yoga, says so in public, and is still allowed to use a fork like a grown up.
But I imagine he uses a bottom-weighted sippy cup to drink the blood of Christ … What does this even mean though? The Pope “endorsed” the exorcist association??? Does he get official sponsorship at their events?!? Vatican Water product placement???
Critics have pointed out that this can only lead to fewer people seeking proper psychiatric care, but Pope Fran-Sisiutl argues that there are really demons living in people’s heads that make them evil. The pope wranglers have downplayed this because it proves that one of the world’s most powerful institutions is led by a shit-squeezing level psychopath.
Yeah good thing those wranglers are around to make sure the Pope doesn’t sound crazy … Dodged another bullet … But just to be clear on your terminology … Do you mean the Pope would be inclined to squeeze really hard if he had a handful of shit?!?
And would seek out a handful of shit for that purpose, yes. Now, it’s worth noting once more that Amorth’s understanding of neurology is on par with his understanding of math, as he continues to claim that he’s performed 15,000 exorcisms in the last 30 years, which is about 14 per day. And since he says some of them take months of “investigation”, that means upwards of 50 quickies on some days.
Vatican recognizes International Exorcist Association: http://rt.com/news/170316-exorcism-demonology-pope-francis/
And from the “Glory hooooooooooooooole!” file, according to Russian Orthodox Priest Alexander Shumsky, his fellow countrymen on the Russian national soccer team were distracted by the homosexual footwear at the World Cup, which led to their embarrassing winless elimination … And I can’t help but wonder what role gay shoes played in the outcome of the Cold War, and the Lake Placid Olympics hockey tournament.
I’m dying to know what gay shoes tongue. Alright, so lay it on me; how the fuck can a shoe be gay?
The very confused homophobic priest is likely reacting to a popular pair of cleats by Puma that has a blue left shoe, and a pink right shoe … And yes, if you wore those on any soccer team I’ve played for, we would have beat you up in the locker room. But not for being gay … For being a faggot.
So you’re telling me the man who spends all his time around other men in dresses and is making a public statement about some other guy’s gaudy footwear is anti-homosexuality?
Shumksy is glad the team took their balls and went home while they still had the chance: (quote) “The liberal ideology of globalism clearly wants to oppose Christianity with football. I’m sure of it. Therefore I am glad that the Russian players have failed and, by the grace of God, no longer participate in this homosexual abomination.” (end quote) … And it’s not just Russia. Reports from around the world indicate that soccer is now (quote) “stupid and gay” in every country except Germany and Argentina.
Shumsky also said that the players might as well be wearing (quote) “ a woman’s bra and panties” (end quote), which means that (a) he thinks there’s such thing as a man’s bra and panties and felt the need to clarify and (b) that he’s been thinking about soccer players in women’s underwear.
He also criticized the players for their (quote) “unthinkable” hairstyles. And if you can’t see the picture I’m holding up, the priest looks like he was conceived when ZZ Top gang-banged Moe from The Three Stooges. And someone had a uterus.
Priest says World Cup is an Abomination because players wear gay shoes: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/07/07/1312315/-Priest-World-Cup-Is-A-Homosexual-Abomination-Because-Players-Wear-Gay-Shoes#.U7yOpnHny1s.facebook
And in “Shit Just Got Koreal” news tonight, North Korean officials have taken time off from fashioning exploding blunts for Seth Rogen to try two Americans accused of aggravated bible leaving. This story begins with the unlikely combination of words “American tourists in North Korea” and ends with the predictable words “On trial for sedition.”
Did they figure out that Dennis Rodman is CIA? … And by the way, why aren’t we handling North Korea like North Vietnam. We have a script for this.
The tourists in question were, of course, Christian missionaries who were almost certainly seeking to undermine the state with their treasonous Jesus propaganda and as much as I love the thought of Gideons in North Korean prisons, I’m still gonna call this one an overreaction on the part of Pete Rose Jong-Un, here. Trust me, your people could use more bibles. You let enough of them in and they wouldn’t have to burn their children in the rusted oil barrels that dot the landscape of your post-apocalyptic looking country.
North Korea charges two Americans with leaving a bible in a hotel room: http://www.christianpost.com/news/north-korea-to-put-on-trial-two-american-tourists-one-for-leaving-bible-in-hotel-room-122516/
And from the “Other Penta-Grammy Awards” file, Christian hip-hop artists Flame and Lacrae – as well as two others that don’t have such a clever name yet – are suing Katy Perry for being an ideal defendant who has more money, and less Jesus.
Suing for insufficient Jesus worked for Hobby Lobby.
While they do mention musical theft, the crux of the complaint is not that Perry stole a useless 8-note riff from their song-with-stolen-name “Joyful Noise” … Although there is a suspicious 8-note riff with different notes in her song “Dark Horse” … They’re really suing her for irreperably damaging their reputation, by associating them with: (quote) “anti-Christian witchcraft, paganism, black magic, and Illuminati imagery..” (end quote)
I’m not conceding that these guys had a reputation to irreparably damage here; but if they did, there’s no quicker way to destroy it than taking credit for Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse.” And plus, it’s four notes. Seriously… they’re suing over a god damn B flat minor add 9. Plus, fuck them for making me listen to that piece of shit long enough to know that.
So I decided to check for secret Free Mason Ralien DaVinci codes in Perry’s song, and based on my research, amidst the interminable dross that is her lyrics, the song contains the name “Aphrodite” … Which does – in fact – make her a demonic polytheist, just like half the Greek diners in the world.
The video also has eyes in it, so that’s Illuminati all over your tits and a little on the bedspread right there.
So the pagan goddess reference, along with some badly-interpreted arbitrary geometry in her video, and the fact that she still shares a stock and STD portfolio with Russell Brand … I guess all that makes her bad for Jesus. And of course, that ruined the otherwise-stadium-packing Christian rapper careers of four idiots, who think their idea for 8-bar musical segments is unique.
I got just see them having their eureka moment… “So what I did, and this is the clever bit, is after I roll our way down the B flat minor add 9… except I don’t know what it’s called because I’m not remotely a musician… but anyway, after I push those four piano buttons in order, I do the exact same thing over and over again until you stop singing words.” For fuck sake, they didn’t even do the bendy thing!
Well somebody’s gonna need to make a list of evil band names that would bother the Bible-heads … And I can’t imagine anyone else but us taking the job seriously … So 30 seconds on the clock … “Blasphemous Bands for the Christian Music Bonfire” … GO!!!
See, this is gonna be hard for me because all the bands I listened to growing up were already Satanic, but I’ll try. How about Mark of the Beastie Boys?
Blue Oyster Occult
She’d be great in a duet with Celine Diablo.
Wow… you just came up with the blasphemous version of “Black Sabbath”… well done sir. How about “Faith no Morgies of Violence”?
Lord of the Fliza Minnelli
Damn it… I had “Father of Lies-a Minnelli”… now I have to go with something crappy. How about “The Mephisto-Police: Featuring… Sting of the Underworld”
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince of Darkness
Penta-Gram Funk Railroad?
Maybe a collaboration album: Stone Temple Pontius Pilates … featuring Nine Inch Nails
Gay Might Be Science … “Nobody’s business but the church!”
Infidella Fitzgerald … rare twist for me … That was a clean scat reference … Now I feel like the listeners would be disappointed without a shit-demon reference …
“The Brown-Eyed Pees” … featuring Lucifergie
Nice. I was sure you were gonna get David Grohl-agothan in there on drums.
Christian Rappers sue Katy Perry for linking their music to Paganism and Witchcraft: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/03/christian-rappers-sue-katy-perry-for-linking-their-music-to-witchcraft-paganism-and-the-illuminati/
And finally tonight, in “Stupid Compared to the Other Georgians” news, Atlanta Biology teacher and forlorn antebellum love-interest from a Twain novel, Anquinette Jones is in hot water after offering her freshman biology students a powerpoint presentation that linked the theory of evolution to Satan, abortion, euthanasia, homosexuality, divorce, pornography and racism.
Well if evolution can cause things … you might consider believing it exists. Or was she trying to claim that people are choosing to kill babies, shoot porn, hate blacks, and be gay because they mistakenly believe that better animals fuck more???
Good luck figuring out what the fuck she was talking about. According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, in addition to disturbingly preposterous factual errors, the presentation also included bizarre grammatical errors, odd illustrations, cartoons from Ken Ham’s Answers in Genesis and a picture of Octomom. In an understatement seemingly calculated for comical effect, school officials told the paper (quote) “the science lesson plan was not properly vetted.”
I’m still wondering how it was improperly vetted. Exactly what vetting occurred?!? What did that look like? … “Excuse me, Ms. Jones? … Ms. Blanche DuBois? … Found your handouts from Darwin’s book on the copy machine. Looks like the Genesis chapter is finished.”
When asked if she was offended by the presentation, a local parent said, and I’m loosely paraphrasing here, “Offended? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m terrified. That babbling lunatic probably archives her urine in little jars and this fucking school had her teaching science to children. Offended doesn’t even come close.”
Atlanta Biology Teacher: Evolution is from Satan: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/07/05/atlanta-biology-teacher-evolution-from-satan-and-the-cause-of-racism-divorce-gay-people/
And quick before my right arm goes numb, we’ll close the headlines. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
And when we come back, Lucinda will be here for the sexiest book in the bible so far.
This Week in Misogyny:
Sometimes you read a news story and the chauvinism damn near makes the pages stick together, but other times the questions of gender equality can be a little more subtle. For example, should women have the right to be forced to cover their faces in public by men? Well, according to the European Court of Human Rights, no.
This is the latest (and hopefully final) chapter in the ongoing controversy surrounding France’s 2010 law, banning full face veils in public. The complainant in this case was a muslim women who insisted that it wasn’t some man forcing her to cover her face; it was an invisible man with superpowers.
For some human rights activists, this is a sticky situation. For women raised in a culture that tells them not to show their faces, it can be as stressful for them as being forced to show your breasts would be for a woman raised in our culture. The fact that there’s more than a little bigotry fueling some of the support for it also doesn’t help.
All that being said, I’d say one generation of uncomfortable women is a small price to pay for future generations not being ashamed of their own faces… or their tits for that matter.
French full-face veil ban upheld: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/01/france-face-veil-ban_n_5547283.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion
Of course, for some people, the issues of women’s rights are pretty black and white. Take Louisiana Congressional hopeful Bill Cassidy. For him, it’s as simple as handing your girly bits to the nearest man and asking him what you are and aren’t allowed to do with them. This staunch supporter of abstinence only-education, staunch opponent of contraception and fucking lunatic on abortion has a new grandchild on the way… via his seventeen year old daughter.
When he announced the pregnancy in a local paper he said (quote) “Our daughter now faces a more challenging future than her peers,” (end quote) which means he knows he’s making the lives of young women harder than they need to be when he comes out against the problem, the solution and the back up plan all at the same time.
Abstinence only advocate learns that shit doesn’t work: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2014/07/gop-candidate-who-supports-abstinence-only-learns-it-doesnt-work-the-hard-way/
And from Louisiana we’ll shift to America’s flaccid penis, Florida, where an argument about women’s rights ended with a subhuman jackass punching his girlfriend’s bunny. Now, I have to admit that when I first read he punched her bunny, it sounded like fun to me, but then I realized that this bubbling rectal ejecta actually punched a little cute scrunchy nosed, fuzzy faced, floppy eared little adorable little bunny.
And we’re not talking about the rabbit that Tim the Enchanter warned us about here, it’s a goddamn little helpless rabbit. So here’s a quick piece of advice in case this real life Elmer Fudd is listening: Nobody has ever improved their position in an argument by punching a bunny unless the argument was “I bet you won’t punch that bunny.”
Florida man punches bunny over women’s rights argument: http://jezebel.com/florida-man-punches-girlfriends-bunny-after-fight-over-1599569298
Sorry about leaving you with such a depressing image, but I’ll be back next week and hopefully no animals will be harmed in the making of next week’s segment.
In the wake of the Supreme Court’s recent decision in the case of Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood vs. Common Sense, you may be left with a lot of questions. How will this affect my insurance coverage? What ridiculous concession will the Supreme Court allow for next, child sacrifice? And, most importantly, what religion should my closely held corporation be?
When deciding on your corporation’s religion, it’s important to consider all your options. You’re probably tempted to go with evangelical Christianity after seeing all the money Hobby Lobby will save by not covering contraceptive care, but the good news is that all the world’s major religions hate women, so whichever choice you make, you’ll be able to compensate them like a secondary class of menstruating harem girls.
In fact, if your primary concern is health coverage, perhaps you should consider Orthodox Judaism. The money you’ll save not covering bacon related coronaries is more than you think. Even better, think of all the money you’ll save on training manuals and internal memos now that the women that work for you aren’t allowed to read. And sure, the Sabbath day restrictions are a pain, but Jew god has proven notoriously easy to fool.
Of course, Islam has a lot to offer American corporations as well. Think about all the money you’re wasting this month by giving your employees lunch breaks during Ramadan. Sure, the constant bowing to Mecca might slow you down, but it doesn’t take too many workplace stonings to keep your employees on task the rest of the time. Plus, on-the-clock honor killings will cut your maternity leave costs by more than sixty percent!
But let’s not limit ourselves to the Abrahamic faiths. Buddhism will absolve you from covering alcohol and drug related medical costs, but perhaps just as importantly, their restrictions against killing any living thing can save you a ton of money on sanitizing costs if you own a restaurant.
The same is true of Jainism, which will allow you to pay well below minimum wage, and if you go with the Digambar sect, the mandatory nudity you can impose will eliminate uniform costs altogether. And the tenets of Hinduism are so ill-defined that you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want.
Of course, there are also a few religions you’ll want to avoid. You might be tempted to go with Scientology to avoid all those troublesome psychiatric costs, but trust me, you’d be better off getting those Scientologists to shrinks. Neopaganism offers you the opportunity to substitute an herb garden for a health insurance plan, but the group orgies and mutual masturbation sessions make for a lot of downtime. You’ll also want to avoid Mormonism because it’s just fucking wacky.
But why limit yourself to religions that actually exist? After all, the only functional difference between a cult and a religion is size so why not start your own religion? The new faith of “Incorporatism” believes that CEOs and majority shareholders are appointed by god as his earthly representatives and should be showered with elaborate compensation packages and oral sex at all waking moments. Considering the current makeup of the Supreme Court, we expect this to be the third largest religion in the United States by the Wednesday after next.
Just remember, the most important thing is to choose the religion that makes you the most money and allows you the greatest opportunity to interfere with the lives of your employees. Because fuck those peons, you’re in charge.
From time to time on this show, we like to set aside a few minutes to discuss some of the common apologetics used in defense of theism. Heath, what incorrectly induced insult to intellect are we gonna tackle today?
Today we’ll be talking about “Pascal’s Wager.”
Hard to believe we haven’t done that one yet. Alright, so if you don’t mind, set this up for us. What is “Pascal’s Wager”?
Pascal’s Wager looks at religious belief like a bet. Formally, it consists of five premises.
- We can’t determine the odds that god does or doesn’t exist.
- If we believe in god and we’re right, we get good stuff times infinity
- If we believe in god and we’re wrong, nothing happens when we die.
- If we don’t believe in god and we’re right, nothing still happens when we die.
- And, if we don’t believe in god and we’re wrong, we get bad stuff times infinity.
Based on those five premises, Pascal determines that the best bet to make, regardless of the odds, is that God exists.
Okay, so this one is pretty easy to refute. All five of those premises are wrong.
Yes, necessarily. The first one ignores the existence of less and more likely esoteric claims, the second and fifth ignore the existence of other religions altogether and the third and fourth ignore all the real world costs of believing in bullshit.
Well, according to your view, sure.
But my view, in this case, is the sound application of logic.
Yes, butthe gulf between this and proper logic is wider than the space between the dick and the walls of your mom’s vagina.
Calm down, that was less a joke about the size of your mom’s cunt and more a self-deprecating joke about the size of my dick.
Oh… but wait a second…
Perhaps this will be easier if we strip away all the formal logic stuff and look at the argument in its more common four-word form: “What if you’re wrong?”
But again that’s not sound logic by any stretch of the imagination. The consequences of being wrong don’t factor into the assessment of a truth claim. I don’t think I’m gonna get hit in the head by a meteor when I go outside and if I’m wrong my brain gets crushed. That’s not a valid reason to wear a helmet everywhere I go.
Are you saying people who invoke Pascal’s Wager shouldn’t be required to wear helmets everywhere they go?
Well, I don’t think I’d go that far, but my point is the potential negatives of being wrong have nothing to do with whether or not the claim is true.
No, but it could have an effect on whether you pretend it’s true.
And see, that’s yet another fatal flaw in the argument. According to pretty much all the religions, it’s not enough to just pretend you think it’s true. A person can’t decide to believe something in the same way they can decide to bet on red or black.
But this isn’t a way of deciding a belief; it’s a way of justifying one. People don’t believe in god because of Pascal’s Wager; they believe it because they were indoctrinated into it or because they suck at logic. Pascal’s Wager is just there to make it seem less stupid internally.
Well then why do they always use it externally?
Because the “la-la-la I can’t hear you” approach is a little too transparent. The point is that no amount of logical analysis is going to convince somebody dumb enough to use Pascal’s Wager. You’d basically have to go back to the multiplication tables and start over from there.
Well if you can’t use logic, how could you possibly win the argument?
You can’t. That’s my point.
Well, this is the “counter-apologetics” segment. The whole point of this segment is to, you know, offer logical refutations to common religious claims.
Hold on just a second… I never said you couldn’t win the encounter, I just said you couldn’t win the argument.
Okay, now you’ve got my attention. So what are you proposing?
Well, you might not like it, because it ends with all the Christians that use Pascal’s Wager dying in agony.
Okay, so you’re endorsing… genocide?
Well, it’s best not to think of it as “genocide”… think about it more as a voluntary exodus from the gene pool based on epistemological fuck-wittery.
I still don’t think that’s good.
Yeah, but it’s less bad. Let me give you an example. If there was an invisible, undetectable race of aliens from another dimension trying to infect you with space rickets by poisoning your food, you’d never be able to prove that, right?
Probably not, I guess.
And for all you know, space rickets is the worst disease in the galaxy: It simultaneously grants you immortality and ensures that you’ll spend it with a really nasty rash on your balls and an incessant migraine and turds with nails in them. For eternity.
For the purposes of this example, sure.
So all we have to do is put this idea in the heads of these Pascal’s Wager types. Obviously, starving to death is better than space rickets, right? So you’re better off not eating. Sure, you might not believe the aliens are trying to poison you, but what if you’re wrong?
Okay, I see where you’re going here, but I don’t know that I’m ready to endorse that idea just yet.
You’re probably right. It would take way too long for them to die that way…
Well, that wasn’t the crux of my objection, exactly…
How about this? We tell them that the government is poisoning them with clouds of neurotoxins hidden in airplane exhaust and that would give them the space rickets. And then they would have to stop breathing.
Well first of all, I think somebody’s already telling them that, and second, I still don’t think we should be looking for ways to necessarily kill anyone…
Right… of course. Because it would be way more advantageous to keep them alive to do our bidding. We could just tell them that their likelihood of getting space rickets is directly proportional to how much money they give us.
I don’t like that idea either…
…Right, because then we’d be starting a religion. And that would make us no better than Jesus.
What the Fuck is… RFRA?
The lesser known third of Bill Clinton’s trilogy of horrible acronym legislation that gets pronounced like a real word; RFRA has been outshadowed by the economy-crippling NAFTA and the equality-crippling DOMA. The law was passed by a unanimous Congress and 3 votes shy of a unanimous senate back in 1993. Four years later it was declared mostly unconstitutional, and two weeks ago it was invoked to allow fundamentalist Christians to make medical decisions for their employees.
But what is it?
The heart of the legislation is contained in the following phrase: “The government shall not pass a law that substantially burdens a person’s free exercise of religion.” A law can only be exempted if it meets the following two criteria; One, the law must be necessary for the furtherance of a compelling government interest and two, it must be the least restrictive way to further said interest.
So basically the law says the government can’t do anything whatsoever until every individual religious person signs off on it. So how did such legislative bullshit become law? Easy; Americans are stupid. But how did it pass with such universal support?
Well, it was originally proposed in response to two cases. In one, the federal government was building roads across land considered sacred to some Native American tribes. The second involved Native Americans getting fired after testing positive for mescaline. And back when this was a politically correct effort to alleviate white guilt, it garnered support from the ACLU, along with every religious group in the country.
Part of the act was struck down by the court in ‘97 when a Catholic diocese wanted to expand their church but couldn’t because of a land ordinance. The Supreme Court ruled in Boerne v. Flores that RFRA couldn’t be applied to the states, but it could still be applied to federal law. In response, the congress clambered to religion’s dick tongue over lips to pass the even less pronouncably acronymed “RLUIPA”, or “Religious Land Use and Institutionalized Persons Act” in 2000.
In addition, once this weakness in the law was exposed, many states enacted their own versions of the same act, making the Supreme Court’s initial ruling increasingly irrelevant.
So what started as a well-intentioned but ultimately stupid effort to protect magic trees, magic cactuses and keep Native American tribes from drinking water that might contain “ghost sickness” is now being used to allow for-profit companies to limit their employees access to basic health care. And as we discussed in the headlines, it’s not likely to end there.
Luckily, there is a well organized effort from one of America’s most proactive atheist organizations to get this law the hell off the books. The Freedom From Religion Foundation has been pivotal in a number of our communities recent legislative victories and now they’re training their sights on RFRA.
This is a fight we all need to get involved in. I’ll be including links in the shownotes for this episode to more information on the FFRF’s efforts as well as more information about what you can do to help. Because “sacred groves?” “Ghost Sickness?” Gimme a fuckin’ break.
A few weeks ago I posted something on our Facebook page about the bible being almost impossible to masturbate to. And at the time I meant it as a joke, but after reading Song of Solomon I’m just redacting the statement altogether. Basically, this book is a love poem that has nothing to do with anything we’ve read up to this point. In fact, I would imagine it only got included in the canon when the night scribe accidentally left his porn scroll wedged into the bible when he went home.
Even though the scrolls are only one page, it’s still easy to get them stuck together, if you’re not careful.
So to help us decipher who’s talking when in this book is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.
Happy to join you for “The Holy Babble… After Dark.”
Yeah, we should totally have some Barry White playing in the background for this one, but I’ll be damned if we’re securing those rights… or even the rights to a generic 70s porn soundtrack, so instead we’ll just dive right in.
- And just to give everyone some context, along with the very heterosexual couple, there’s also a chorus-full of friends watching the whole time, singing about their voyeur party, doing their best to double as a 70’s porn soundtrack.
- And clearly both of them would rather be fucking farm animals, but they’re settling for each other.
- It got bestial quick, didn’t it?
- Yeah, the woman says, “fuck me like I was one of your sheep” and the dude says, “You remind me of one of the horses that pulls the Pharaoh’s chariot… but in a good way.”
- I’d let her take a pull on my chariot of fire.
- And she’s giving him the whole bullshit modesty thing. She’s saying, “Oh, you wouldn’t want to see my naked body… I’m so tan and fit from working in the vineyards all day… so sweaty and thin and bronzed…”
- “Yeah sorry I’m not translucent like those real Jewish women in Brooklyn.”
- And then the chorus teaches the girl how to be a stalker … “Dude’s a shepherd, right? … Follow the trail of sheep shit, and you’ll find his tent. Just don’t forget to bring your goats, because he’s into that.”
- This book is a great break from what we’ve been doing though. Because we used to have to look for innuendo and maybe stretch for a pussy joke here and there. But this book just tees them up. Final line of chapter one, guys says to his fit, sun-bathed hottie, “Our beams are cedar; our rafters are pine.”
- Right, and she goes out of her way to mention that the “bed is verdant” … And if there’s grass on the field, you play. Everyone feels more comfortable when there’s pubes.
- Then she says, “I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. A lily among brambles,” which I took as an apology for her ungainly muff.
- Yeah, sounds like 70’s porn bush to go along with the 70’s porn soundtrack.
- Then she compliments him by saying he’s like an apple tree. Which is a probably a compliment to both the cock and the balls.
- And in case you think we’re exaggerating, Chapter two, verse 3 says “With great delight I sat in his shadow; and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”
- Yeah, so by chapter two we’ve already gotten oral and horsie-style. <And she just tea-bagged his low-dangling fruit … Check.> And then in verse six we get a little finger-fucking.
- Then he chastises her for getting him hard before he has to go to work.
- And when he gets home we get this weird stalker moment where he’s staring at her through the lattice after leaping over mountains and coming on boulders.
- And apparently he’s eating her out so long she gets worried and tells him to come up for air: “Oh, my dove in the clefts of the rock, let me see your face…”
- “At least wipe off your beard on my inner thighs, or something.”
- Chapter three starts out with some chick masturbating while she thinks about her lover. Then she gets bored with her zucchini and went out to find some dick.
- Yeah she goes down to start working the street corner, and the cops won’t even buy a blowjob.
- So she asks the sentinels where the fuck-worthy dudes were, and eventually she finds somebody and drags him into her mom’s bedroom.
- Because there’s no place I’d rather have sex than my parent’s bedroom.
- But I think she started trying to suck him off before he was hard again because he reminds her not to awaken love until it’s ready.
- So, unsatisfied with that cock, she sees the whole royal entourage coming and starts telling herself, “I think I can, I think I can…”
- Then the guy takes over the narrative and Cyrano De Bergerac he isn’t.
- It’s so bad. They have lines in their like “Your teeth are like soaking wet, recently shaved sheep,” “Your breasts are like baby deers eating flowers” and the very hard to take as a compliment “You smell like Lebanon.”
- He also says, “Your neck is like the tower of David, on it hangs a thousand bucklers”… so I think he was complimenting the zits on her throat at that point.
- And at one point, he compliments her “channel”… he says it’s like an orchard with sweet fruit.
- I think it’s fucking hilarious that in my copy there’s a footnote on that line that reads, “Meaning of Hebrew is uncertain”…
- Starting to sound more and more like Zeppelin … At some point he’ll be squeezing her lemon until the juice runs down her leg. Gotta happen. Further evidence that God might be John Bonham.
- Then the creepy gets cranked up to eleven in chapter four when he starts calling her, “My sister, my bride…”
- But it works, because by the end of chapter four she’s unlocking her garden and telling him to eat from its ripe fruits.
- And according to the girl’s own account, her orchard has “nards” … So this just keeps getting weirder.
- And I’ll admit readily that a lot of the allegory here makes no sense to me. I’m pretty sure that at the beginning of chapter five when he’s talking about being asleep when his heart’s awake it’s a wet-dream reference, but later on the chick is talking about the sentinels finding her and whipping her so I’m not sure precisely what kind of kinky shit they were doing.
- I’m with you. At first I’m thinking to myself, “Who the fuck drinks milk with their wine,” and then I realized that’s probably about sucking tits.
- And then we get this creepy intruder role playing scenario. Dude bangs on the door: “Open up! My head is drenched with dew, and I’m here to have my way with you.” But it turns out she was just hoping to get fake-raped by an intruder, because she was hallucinating, and what actually happened was she got gang-banged by the group of cops from earlier. HOW IS THIS IN THE BIBLE?!?
- And then she tries the “your eyes are like this and your cheeks are like that” thing, but she’s no better at it than he was.
- …Your eyes are like doves and your cheeks are like spices and your similes are like a reluctant bowel movement.
- And why are everyone’s eyes like doves? What dove-qualities can an eye have that would make it attractive? That’s just weird.
- And I’m pretty sure at a certain point the dude is counting on her just not paying attention. In chapter six he basically says all the stuff he just said a couple chapters ago and sneaks stuff in like “You’re as terrible as an army with banners.” That can’t be a compliment, can it?
- Yeah apparently the line about having teeth that resemble a slightly hairy wet goat landed so well the first time, he couldn’t help but go back to that wordsmith well.
- And could either of you ever get a handle on who was where in this thing? One moment they’re fucking, then she’s wandering the streets looking for him, then he’s fingering her, then he’s in the pasture with his sheep, then she’s gathering pomegranates and getting beaten by somebody…
- And is it just me, or is this book really materialistic? Because basically, every comparison is to some precious metal or a gem or something. It would be like telling your lover “Your lips are like fat stacks of hundreds; your cheeks are like red BMWs and your eyes are like the new iPhone that hasn’t come out yet…”
- And how the fuck am I supposed to not make a racist Jew joke in chapter seven when he says to his beloved, “You nose is like a tower of Lebanon, overlooking Damascus”?
- Yeah, telling a girl that Syrians use her nose as a sun dial … not a good line …
- And how clumsy is this shit… Chapter seven, verses 7&8: “You are as stately as a palm tree and your breasts are like it’s clusters. I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its branches.” You’re not even trying at this point. “Your eye’s are like… pretty things that are round… and your pussy is like a wet thing that I want to fuck…”
- And how are her breasts like coconuts? Are they hairy? Rough to the touch? Hard to crack open without a hammer?
- Don’t worry … they corrected that in my version. Breasts are like clusters of grapes in King James. Regardless, it sounds like this woman needs a mammogram.
- But just when you think this one’s got nothing new to offer, chapter eight ramps up the kink. Opening line here, “Oh that you were like a brother to me, who nursed at my mother’s breast.” So incestual cougar threeway? Check.
- And in the second verse, he says… or she says… at this point who knows who’s talking any more, but somebody says, essentially, “If I just met you in the street, I’d drag you into my mom’s bedroom and get you shit faced until you fucked me.” So this isn’t quite as romantic as some would suggest.
- And starting in verse eight it takes a turn so weird the rest of the book seemed normal. It’s the chick talking now and she’s talking about how small her little sister’s tits are. And if she’s a wall they’d build battlements on her and if she was a door they’d cover her in cedar. Not sure what the hell that was all about.
- Yeah the only thing left missing was a Lolita reference …
- And the whole thing ends with what I think is them having a public quickie in somebody’s garden while a bunch of old women watch.
Yeah, so the obvious question as we close this one off is what the fuck was that all about? There’s nothing in this book about god or religion or morals or… anything.
It’s like a Hollywood director got a hold of this thing and said, “Needs more sex… some non-rape sex, this time.”
Yeah, so clearly it was a Hollywood director and not a exec at HBO.
So just like that, we bid a bizarre adieu to the “Wisdom Books”. Hopefully we’ll have some time in the coming weeks to give them a proper send off, but the next time we meet for the Holy Babble we’ll have moved into the final section of the Old Testament, “The Prophetic Books.”
Something of a program note; if you’re reading ahead, you’ll have noticed that the last twelve books of the Old Testament are all a couple pages long, so rather than spending eight and a half months of Holy Babble with shit like Malachi and Zephaniah, we’re gonna lump all of those together when we get there, knock this out and get straight to fucking with Jesus.
Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the program where we read the critiques from our listeners and offer thoughtful, articulate responses like “fuck off.”
Speaking of which, our first email comes from a first time listener who kind of liked the show and all, but took issue with the 30-seconds on the clock bit. Shawn said, (quote)
“If you’re gonna rip off @Midnight, at least you could be a little less obvious about it.”
And we’ll answer that with a quick trip to the timeline here. Comedy Central’s soon to be short-lived late night vehicle “@Midnight” premiered on October 21st of 2013. The first 30 seconds on the clock bit on this show debuted on episode 20 of this show and it was an extension of something we’d been doing as early as episode 12. That was May 9th, five and a half months before they jumped on the bandwagon.
It became a weekly staple starting in episode 32, so even if you start the clock there we have them beat by a full month. But we’re totally okay with them using our bit.
So only the guy from Singled Out can put specific amounts of seconds on a clock??? And only Tyler Perry is allowed to even consider what Jesus might do in a given situation?!? Really?!?
Our next message comes from Kayla who asks which part of the show is hardest to put together each week.
She also promised to shit herself if we answered the question on air, so… you know … push. Get that prairie dog going.
Yeah, for me, it’s the compliments to the donors at the end of each episode. I feel like I can never let anybody down on that one and I don’t want one person to think their compliment wasn’t as good as the other person’s, so I stress on that one.
I guess it says a lot about me that when it comes to insults I don’t even slow down, but when it comes to complimenting people I have to pace for half an hour.
For me, it’s trying to match Noah’s level of tact and diplomacy when dealing with religion. He’s always so classy about it, and I have to work very hard to keep up.
Good answer. And finally we have an email from an unnamed listener in an undisclosed location who could be hanged or have his nuts chopped off if the wrong person knew he listened to this show, which still really fucks me up inside.
Anyway, he sent us a great email about what it’s like to live in a country where everyone’s doing the Ramadan thing. He sent newspaper links about all these people that are rushed to hospitals every evening because they’ve tried to stuff whole chickens into their mouths the instant the sun winks out in the Western sky.
Yeah, and apparently starving zealots hurrying home for their 8:30pm breakfast have the driving skills of Asian women from New Jersey.
He also pointed out the amazing amount of food that’s wasted because of this holiday. I guess all the restaurants have buffets when they’re allowed to eat again because they can’t wait long enough to order shit at that point. I’m not sure if it’s accurate, but the number he cited was 1850 tons of food wasted over Ramadan just in Dubai last year.
Yeah so thanks for the email, unnamed listener, we really got a kick out of looking into it and we appreciate your continued willingness to be the first Scathing Atheist martyr.
And, of course, your email also got us to thinking of a potential top ten for this week. So here are the top ten worst things about celebrating Ramadan … Take it away Paul Schaffer!!!
- 10- You’re really fucking hungry.
- 9 – But all the good vomitoriums have a three hour waiting list at dusk.
- 8 – Even when you break the fast, there’s no bacon.
- 7 – You don’t wanna be a Somali pirate.
- 6 – The fast against sex and eating end at the same time, and that gets messy.
- 5 – Tired of hearing the phrase: “But it’s a dry heave.”
- 4 – The daily fourteen hour jerking off hiatus.
- 3 – The rash you always get from condensing your jerk schedule down to eight hours.
- 2 – Sometimes it’s hard to tell if your stomach’s rumbling or the vest is detonating prematurely.
- 1 – When the month is over, you’re still a Muslim.
And that’s it for feedback, if you want more, keep the tweets, messages and emails coming.
Before we drop the mic tonight, I want to remind everybody to check the shownotes this week for some important links about the FFRF’s efforts against RFRA, which was really hard to say. Anyway, go to Scathing Atheist (dot) com and check the links at the top of the page. This is a fight we really need to win.
And I guess that makes this a good time to remind everyone that with the exception of interviews, our full episodes are transcribed on the website each week. The Transcript is always up within twenty-four hours of the show’s release, so if you ever want a copy of a diatribe or a poem or a 30 seconds on the clock bit or whatever, it’s there going all the way back to episode one.
Anyway, that’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more. I’m scheduled to record with Jake Farr-Wharton this weekend so I believe I’ll be on the upcoming episode of the Imaginary Friends Show. As soon as that’s up we’ll have links to it on our Facebook page and our Twitter feed.
Of course you’ll always find bonus nuggets of Scatheism on both of those feeds as well as on the erratically published blog. And sorry about the false alarm on having some guest posts on the blog. I just buried under work this week, but I’ve got a post ready to drop Monday and many more to come. So be sure to check that out as well.
I need to thank Heath for never running out of shit to wince at; of course I want to thank Lucinda for still being so damn sexy after all these years… and other stuff related to the show, too; I want to thank Professor Stephen for this week’s Farnsworth Quote. You can hear him every week live with Cash on Atheists on Air. He’s a really well informed skeptic and a funny mother fucker and if you don’t believe me, my evidence will appear as a link to their podcast on the shownotes for this episode.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s best people, Scott, Fred, Chris, Other Scott, Nasser, Lana, Sean, Gerard, Victoria, Cody, Glen, Matthew and Frank. Scott, Fred and Chris, whose ejaculations have both started and ended wars; Other Scott, Nasser, Lana and Sean, who are so intelligent they can refute the 10% brain myth with 90% of their brain tied behind their back; Gerard, Victoria, and Cody, who are so sexy they could turn even my laptop on in under a minute; and Glen, Matthew and Frank, whose dicks are so big they thought the Large Hadron Collider was a glory hole.
These thirteen ravenously rational rabble-rousers roused some rabble this week by giving us money. Not everybody gives us money or we’d be fucking loaded. But some people do so we’re able to scrape out a living making dick jokes about Jesus and for that we are truly and eternally grateful. If you’d like to support the show, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d like support our efforts but you’re still waiting for the ransom payment to come in, you can help us out in the meantime by leaving us a five star review on iTunes or any other place that allows you to gives stars to podcasts.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.