by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints.
Warning: On the Scathing Atheist it’s always “Ask an Atheist” day, but sometimes the answer is “Fuck off.”
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by PassoverStock.com, Online purveyors of seasonal religious bullshit
Are you about to celebrate the day an Egyptian guy sort of helped out the Jews that one time? Tired of the annual price gouge on bitter herbs, manischewitz, and enormous flat crackers? Well we liquidated the shit you didn’t consume last year, so we can offer the best prices.
And now the Scathing Atheist…
It’s April 17th
And a whole bunch of libertarians just paid income tax, even though the IRS is illegal.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright and from urban planning New York, New York…
And rural klanning Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode
- We’ll be burdened by Job,
- The Pope will accept his apology for all the kid fucking on our behalf,
- And Christians find a way to re-purpose hamentaschen vagina cookies.
But first, the diatribe.
So I guess Ayaan Hirsi Ali can add “honorary Brandeis drop out” to her impressive list of accomplishments. Member of Dutch parliament, award winning human rights advocate, author, world renowned opponent of female genital mutilation and one of Time magazine’s 100 most influential people in the world. But not good enough for an honorary degree from Brandeis university?
And why, pray tell, did Brandeis balk on their plans to give her an honorary degree? Well, as it turns out, her lifelong crusade against Islamic institutionalization of violence towards women hurt some Muslim’s feelings.
They pointed to comments she made that sound mean, especially when taken completely devoid of context. And the university said, “well shucks, we can’t have mean people here, so fuck her. No soup for you.”
So whatever, doesn’t matter. If anything, her being denied this honorary degree has brought a hell of a lot more attention to her cause that actually receiving the honorary degree would have, but the principle of it still pisses me off and it’s something I’m seeing more and more. What’s worse, a huge chunk of the secular community seem to be just fine with it.
What I’m talking about here is this notion that attacking a religion is somehow equated with racism. People talk about “Islamophobia” alongside homophobia or racism as though the two things come from the same place. I reject the term “Islamophobia” altogether, but if we’re gonna use it, can we at least agree that there’s a difference between hating gay people because you’re a bigot and fearing Muslims who are actively trying to harm you?
Ayaan Hirsi Ali was the victim of female genital mutilation. She was beaten in the name of Islam. She was the victim of a forced marriage. The guy who directed the movie she wrote was murdered by Islamic militants and she’s received countless death threats from the same people. When she talks about the dangers of Islam, she’s not some backwoods yokel spouting off about how the Jews is controllin’ the werld through them UPS satellites. She’s an exceptional, brilliant human being speaking from personal experience.
And what were the remarks that Brandeis couldn’t be associated with? Well, she’s said plenty of shit to piss off Muslims, but the quote I keep seeing in relation to the story comes from an interview in “Reason’ magazine back in 2007. When asked about the path toward peace in the middle east, she said of Islam:
(quote) “Once it is defeated, it can mutate into something peaceful. It’s very difficult to even talk about peace now. They’re not interested in peace.”
I should point out, she was offered a chance to back that off a bit in the interview and made it very clear that she wasn’t just talking about “radical” Islam, she wasn’t just talking about “militant” Islam; she was talking about the religion.
Sounds horrible, right? Sounds bad enough to almost justify all those Muslims getting so pissy about it, right? Unless, of course, she’s right.
The multicultural crowd loves to spout on about how this is motivated by xenophobia when it comes from a middle-aged white dude like me, but what about when it comes from the victim herself? They like to act like it’s a cardinal sin to suggest one religion is more destructive than another, but considering that’s an indisputable fact, maybe we should be allowed to talk about it, eh?
But when Sam Harris says, “Well, they do spawn way more than their fair share of international terrorists” he’s shouted down as a racist even though, you know, Islam isn’t a fucking race.
When Dawkins points out that, “Well, you know, the countries they control sure don’t contribute much to science” he’s shouted down as a bigot because how dare he point out that easily demonstrable fact?
And when Ayaan Hirsi Ali says that this religion; the religion she was born into and victimized by throughout her life; really does represent an existential threat to the rest of the world, she’s shouted down by the people she’s speaking out against and a bunch of multicultural, politically correct assholes.
Raping kids and covering it up is wrong. And every Catholic that gave money to the church in the last 100 years had a hand in that and should be ashamed of themselves. I can say that all I want and I don’t get accused of any kind of bigotry.
Chopping off a girl’s clitoris and then forcing her to marry someone and supporting acid attacks and honor killings while refusing to allow women access to education is wrong. And every Muslim who continues to support the existence of the faith that embraces that shit should be ashamed of themselves. And clearly, I say that because I’m a racist or something; even though there are a hell of a lot more clerics supporting honor killings and FGM than there are Catholic’s ass raping kids.
Joining me for headlines tonight is guy returning from a long weekend of bachelor party debauchery, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you feeling recovered yet?
I’m happy to say that I have facial sensations again, and I’m not a father!!!
Well, judging by the fundamentalist definitions you were a father, but yeah, doesn’t count if you’re an atheist.
In our lead story tonight, the Spanish town of Castrillo de Matajudios, is considering a name change, after someone finally pointed out to the ignorant tannish people there, that they might want to avoid the phrase “Jew Killer” in their title.
Yeah, because ignorant tannish people should stop being such prejudicial racists.
So the excuse goes like this … Out of nowhere, the Spanish Inquisition starts.
Never would have expected that.
And to appease the Hitler of 1478, everyone in town decided that a quick repaint of their highway sign, and “Castrillo Hill” could easily be “Castrillo Kill the Jews”.
Well, you don’t want to change it all at once; they can start by toning it down to “Jew Maimer”, then “Jew Raper” and eventually just “Jew Insulter” or something.
Quantitative Easing – Spain knows all about that stuff … And even if they do get rid of the Nazi-Ville title, many Spaniards will still be using the phrase “matar hudios” to reference their Easter ritual of drinking spiked lemonade; a practice that they affectionately call “Killing Jews”. Apparently this tradition dates back to the very first Pog-Rums, when medieval Christians would get wasted, and publicly lynch Jews to punish them for alleged deicide.
I was gonna say that there are worse things to spike that lemonade…
Spanish town considers changing its name to something other than “Jew Killer”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/11/matajudios-jew-killer-town_n_5133302.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And in “At least he weren’t gay” news tonight, an article in the Harvard Theological Review strongly suggests that the notorious gospel fragment about Jesus’ wife is not a modern forgery. Their data confirm that it was written between the sixth and ninth century; leading to yet more centers of advanced learning weighing in on the question of who a fictional character was boning.
What does it say about your religion if the son of god doesn’t get laid?
The fragment in question has Jesus referring to his wife and saying that she can be his disciple. While this whole debate has a Thor’s hammer versus Captain America’s shield feel to it, I think it’s worth reflecting on the vitriolic opposition to the science we’re seeing from bitter old sexists who are arguing that it’s impossible that someone writing at least 600 years after the disputed existence of this clearly mythologized character would assume he was getting some pussy.
Would this mean priests could start fucking adult pussy, instead of whatever arrangement they have now? Even just pussy … Baby steps. Or better yet, I suppose, just adult. Orifice TBD.
Yeah, that’s better. Anyway, scientists arguing for the authenticity of the fragment point to radiocarbon testing of the ink, the chemical composition of the papyrus, patterns of oxidation on the fragment, as well as archaeological analyses of the handwriting and grammar. Opponents dismiss this evidence, citing the widely confirmed consensus that Jesus would never use his dick recreationally.
Ancient reference to Jesus’ wife found not to be a forgery: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/04/10/study-jesus-wife-fragment-not-a-fake/
And in “Kettle One Morality” news, a new study on societal perception of atheism by psychologist Will Gervais manages to prove simultaneously, that people are fucking stupid, and that people think atheists are immoral.
Yeah, at that Ask an Atheist thing I did it Georgia Southern tonight I got a Muslim girl to admit that (1) the only reason that she doesn’t kill people is because god said it was bad and (2) that if god changed his mind she would kill people. It scares the shit out of me that it wasn’t harder.
Gervais sets up the experiment by giving people a general description of a terrible, evil, sociopathic person named Dax, and then asks them a multiple choice question. One entire experimental group got this question: Which is more likely? A) Dax is a teacher … or B) Dax is a teacher that is atheist.
Or C, he’s a teacher who’s an atheist with green pubes that have crabs that draw Venn Diagrams.
Other groups got the same question, but with choice B as a different religion or race, instead of atheist. Choice B) is a subset of A) in every case, so the answer is obviously fucking A) !!! … But the group given the option to demonize atheists, did so far more than any other group demonized their option B) demographic.
Yeah, but to be fair, religious is a subset of stupid and stupid people all have trouble with this one.
Sadly, this study shows that still – even today – society associates reason with evil. But it was even worse as you go back through the centuries. So just about every great scientist – despite being falsely claimed as an adherent by some religion – was probably a silent atheist trying to avoid a lynch mob or a guillotine, while they did evil shit like forward human understanding of the universe.
People think atheists are more likely to be evil: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/16/new-study-shows-that-even-atheists-think-atheists-are-immoral
And in “Why you keep bringin’ up old shit?” news, Pope Fran-Sisyphus asked for forgiveness for all the kids his church has tortured over the past couple of centuries. So if you were still waiting on the new pontiff to take some concrete steps towards fixing the problem, I think it’s time to exhale. He’s asked for forgiveness, which is almost as good as saying you’re sorry. So, you know, problem solved.
I assume Pope Frankle Grabber’s going for the Lord’s forgiveness, right? I would imagine it’s much easier to get forgiveness from the Lord, than centuries of rape victims.
Well, I don’t know… rape victims do exist. So critics point out (or, are about to point out) that despite his contrite attitude, the church he heads is still… right now, this very moment… sheltering accused priests, contractually silencing it’s victims as a prerequisite to compensation and refusing to discipline bishops who demonstrably covered up the crimes. So yeah, “Terribly sorry about that time I hit you with that baseball bat. And the next time I hit you with it.” Doesn’t do it for me.
It’s like the horrible tourist saying “Sorry” AS they try to smash onto a crowded rush hour subway with twelve suitcases, a stroller, a large ficas plant, and a tandem bicycle. You’re obviously not that sorry!!! … A surfboard AND skis?!?
Pope Franarchy in the UK made the comments on the Vatican radio last friday, adding that (quote) “You don’t play around with the lives of children… their scrotum’s sure, but not their lives.”
Pope asks for forgiveness for pedophelia, still shields perps from prosecution: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/11/pope-francis-sex-abuse-forgiveness_n_5132019.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And in “Southern Belle Curves” news, Mississippi schools teach SexEd about as well as they teach all the other subjects. Thanks to the signature maturity and wisdom of Christians, students are being taught ‘abstinence-only’ versions of the real curriculum, in which crucial public health information – like how to use condoms – is forbidden. Local teens still buy them, but only for keister-smuggling crank, like God intended.
I don’t get this shit… The bible says nothing at all about condoms and obviously God used protection every time but that one.
This is literally the argument … On the one hand, communities that teach Bible-inspired “abstinence-only” sex education in their schools tend to have grossly higher rates of teen pregnancy and STD’s. On the other hand, God’s dick has literally been everywhere, and he knocked up Mary when she was like thirteen …
Religious people with logically incoherent views? I don’t know…
Considering the entire lesson plan for a semester of abstinence-only SexEd is “Don’t do that” … One wonders: What the fuck are they teaching?!? How to build a bridge out of a witch?!? …
No – they decided to spend the time slut-shaming females, by passing a peppermint patty around the room to show how multiple handlers ruins candy, just like it ruins a vagina.
These abstinence only guys need to make up their mind. Is a vagina a cookie, a chewed piece of gum, a cup full of spit? Quit confusing these kids with new analogies!
And they’re obviously setting up the lesson wrong. It would make a lot more sense to have all the students finger the same prostitute. And then smell each others Lady Fingers. And of course that means we’ll need 30 seconds on the clock for “Genital-Themed Snack Foods” … GO!!!
That’s a tough one, though… So many snack foods are already named after genitals… Mounds, Twinkies, Almond Joy, Creampies, Juicy Fruit, Honey Buns, Fudge Rounds… But I guess, considering the headline, we should start with Pepper-Minge Patties.
Love those girlscouts, and their thin minges …
What about: Slit-O-Honey?
Clit Kat Bars? Muslims love to break ‘em off a piece of that…
Putz’s Pretzels? … Fold Golds?
Hostess Hoo-Has. Wait, you did 2 so… um… 3 Muff-keteers.
Golden Clams Cereal: “How do they cram all that clam?!?”
Double Muffed Whore-e-Os… the part the censors didn’t show you from Total Recall
What about … twatchamacallit? … Milky Spray Bars?
I don’t know, but it makes me vertically smile. How about Slutter-Fingers?
And every anatomy teacher needs a set of Wax Labia.
And in the sense you’re using the term, we’re all anatomy teachers.
Mississippi sex ed teaches that sexually active girls are like used cookies: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/11/this-is-how-bizarre-and-ineffective-sex-education-is-in-mississippi-schools/
And finally tonight, from the “Vicious Killers Out Toddling the Streets” file, Pakistani authorities have dismissed attempted murder charges against Mohammad Musa, who was wanted on multiple felony accounts including the attempted murder of a police officer. When the charges were dismissed, Musa had no comment for the press, because he’s a nine month old baby.
To be fair, that’s an 18-month-old, in religion years. Full year and a half. Why don’t they celebrate their zygote day, instead of their birthday, if that’s when life began?!?
I tried and tried to discover that this story was satire, but it turns out, not so much. And we’re not talking about a case where this baby just happened to have the same name as some wanted murderer or anything. The cops literally said this infant was part of a mob that attacked police in January when he was going through his rebellious 6 month old phase. They even fingerprinted the little guy for fuck’s sake.
I’m picturing the defendant in bronzed shoes, shackled together, for the hearing.
Admittedly, this story has absolutely nothing to do with religion, but holy shit, how could I pass up on an opportunity to close on, “That’s one mean baby”?
Pakistani courts drop attempted murder charges against 9 month old baby: http://www.ctvnews.ca/world/pakistani-judge-dismisses-charges-against-9-month-old-accused-of-attempted-murder-1.1772973
So Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back, we’re gonna try to figure out why they named Blow Jobs after such a miserable dude.
Poem – Job
My name is Job and I’m righteous;
Of all the people on the globe I’m the nicest;
When you come to my abode, I’ll show kindness;
The tales about my moral code? They’ll be timeless.
I’m rollin’ in goats; I got camels, see?
I could fill a motherfuckin’ boat; when I travel; Be-
Cause it’s way too much to tote; all my mammals; Please
Don’t think I mean to gloat; but my family?
I got ten kids and they’re rich as hell;
There’s mom’s a pretty hot bitch as well;
It’s a motherfuckin’ mountain from which I fell.
Cause I gotta story about a switch to tell… You see,
There’s a fella named God; and he’s heinous;
You might have heard about all his flawed views on gayness;
Anyway, he told the devil to applaud; cause I’m blameless
But the devil said I was a fraud; what an anus.
So the devil offered him a deal and he took it,
Forgive me if I kinda feel it was crooked,
Even though my life was lived ideal, he forsook it,
So he put me through every damn ordeal in his book, it…
Started when he sent a burglar to take my shit.
Then he decides to murder my fucking kids;
Any impartial observer’d have to admit,
My righteous ass didn’t deserve all the stuff he did.
The devil said I hadn’t had enough; that Satanic whore.
So in addition to this stuff, god adds even more.
I guess he had to leave me suffering on the floor;
So he covered me in rough, cracked and bleeding sores.
But I wasn’t dissuaded at all, my friends;
My life has surely been downgraded, all but condemned,
But I never was persuaded to fall to sin,
My misery left me jaded, and small, and then…
All my pals showed up to console me; ostensibly.
You see they kept trying to cajole me offensively.
Into thinking this was all a toll that god sensibly
Was exacting from my soul quite expensively.
But I insisted that my suffering was undeserved.
And still they went on muttering undeterred.
This, that and another thing, so absurd…
“Motherfucker was I stuttering? Mark my words!”
“I didn’t do shit to have earned this fate!”
But they never seem to get that there’s no debate.
So eventually they quit and I’m left to wait
Until god decides he won his bet. I say, “Bitch, you’re late.”
He said he was the alpha and the omega and all that jazz.
I said “Did you hear me when I begged you to make this pass?”
He said “Motherfucker, I’m your maker, which means, alas,
That if I decide I wanna break you, I’ll break your ass.”
And that’s the closest that he comes to explaining why;
Gives me all new young, what a stand up guy.
If there’s anything to take from this book and apply,
It’s that life is probably gonna fuck you before you die.
The book of Job is dense; morbid; repetitive and dull, but on the bright side, it’s the first thing I’ve read in the bible that left me thinking “Yeah, okay, I can see having that in your book of morals.” Not too rapey, not too xenophobic… no begats.
I’ll save everyone some time. Skip Job, and go see Fiddler on the Roof, which is an allegory in musical form. Better yet, skip both, and just remember to nod, smile, and bend over so God can smite you.
I was gonna recommend perusing a “Shit Happens” bumper sticker. Anyway, joining us to tackle this infamous tale of perverse gambling addiction is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, what did you think of this one?
It was weird. Parts of it were good but it didn’t seem like it belonged there… or made any real sense. It was kinda like the Tom Bombadil part of Lord of the Rings in that way.
Fair enough. So get us started if you don’t mind.
- Job doesn’t fuck around. We get action quick. So in chapter one we learn that Job is rolling in sheep and donkeys and loves him some god. But Satan shows up and says, “Well sure, you’re giving him camels. But if you didn’t give him camels he’d go all Noah and Heath on you.”
- And apparently hypothetical challenges like that work on omnipotent gods.
- Right so god says, “Oh yeah?” and all at once he kills all his donkeys and camels and sheep and kids. All ten of his kids. But all Job does is shave his head and say, “Fuck it. God is still awesome.”
- So we get full confirmation that God’s a degenerate gambler in the first chapter. When some guy walks in and immediately starts instigating this elaborate bet about human nature … Oh, and the guy is the SATAN you created … You should maybe think twice.
- But Satan points out (and rightly so) that God didn’t actually do anything to Job. I mean, having your kids and your donkeys killed sucks and all, but it sucks a lot more for the donkeys and kids than the dude who possesses them.
- So once again god goes all “Oh yeah?” on him and covers Job with festering sores.
- And to provide comfort, from his festering body sores, his three male friends show up, tear off their robes, cover themselves in sand, and lay with him silently in a naked pile for an entire week, likely creating a pearly white mass.
- Then Job spends a chapter poetically wishing he’d never been born.
- Yes and I think that it’s worth pointing out that the thing that distinguishes biblical poetry from biblical prose is that in the poetry each line is followed by another line that says exactly the same thing. So yes, the poetry is even more repetitive than the prose.
- Repetetive, boring, and creepy. At one point in his poem, Job wishes he had been a miscarriage, or at the very least for his mom to have no breasts so he would die of MIDS, or Milk-less Infant Death Syndrome.
- Right. So boo-hoo, I’m covered in festering sores and my kids are dead…
- So his friend Eliphaz finally speaks up: “Would you feel better if I told you … it’s impossible to understand the decisions of an imperceptible deity? … No?”
- And all Job’s buddies are telling him, “You should look into this god thing, cause, you know, he can sort this shit out for you.”
- Yeah, we’re a modern nomadic desert tribe. People don’t just get skin problems unless they broke a god rule. You must have broken a god rule.
- But Job says… a whole bunch of shit, but basically it’s a really drawn out “Fuck off.”
- And it’s more tedious than you can imagine. It’s page after page of shit like: “In times of heat they despair; when it is hot, they vanish from their place. The caravans turn aside from their course; they go up into the waste and perish. The caravans of Tema look, the travelers of Sheba hope. They are disappointed because they were confident; they come there and are confounded”… Brutal.
- But despite Job’s poetic bellyaching to the contrary, his friends are insistent. They tell him, “look dude, for your life to suck this bad, you must have done something to piss god off.”
- You must have worn a tassle with no sub-tassles or something.
- And Job says, “Well what am I gonna do? Call his 800 number? Tell him he fucked up and hit the wrong guy with all those boils and calamities?”
- But he can’t just say it like that. Instead we get three straight chapters of melodramatic teenager Facebook posts.
- Teenagers don’t use Facebook.
- Okay, MySpace. Whatever.
- I think they’re dialing up to those Prodigy newsgroups now.
- And still his friends insist he’s gotta be fucking the babysitter or something.
- Please stop terrorizing me. And can you send me a copy of the parking ticket, just so I know what I did. Or just do anything. Flash your brights.
- And damn is this thing dense. I read through whole chapters and then stopped and said, “what the fuck did I just read?” It’s like a middle-schooler trying to be Shakespearean.
- Then Eliphaz brings up a good point… in 35 verbose stanzas. He basically says, “Job, how can you say you didn’t do anything to piss off god when pretty much everything pisses off god?”
- Then Job answers… in thirty eight verbose stanzas, “Woe is me, woe is me and fuck off, the lot of you.”
- And despite his relentless bemoaning, his buddies are still trying to cheer him up, so Bildad chimes in.
- Yeah and he tells Job to quit his bellyaching. And Bildad wants to say, “God punishes people who do bad shit.” Why can’t he just say that? Can’t he just say that.
- And then Job bitches and moans some more anyway .
- And it just goes on like that for a long time. Job will say “Shit happens” then one of his friends will say “shit doesn’t happen” and then he’ll say “shit happens” and so on.
- And it really demonstrates the problem with the whole god concept. Because at a certain point his buddies are just throwing shit at the wall to see if it’ll stick. In chapter 22 Eliphaz says, “Have you tried giving away all your shit? That’s a good idea when you’re covered in boils and unemployable, right?”
- Maybe you’re saying the prayers wrong? Or maybe it was your whore-daughter? Did you forget to stone your whore-daughter?
- And Job actually makes some pretty good arguments for atheism in it… or at least deism. He’s pointing out to everybody how wicked people don’t always get what’s coming to them and good people like himself get ass raped by fate from time to time. But his buddies aren’t buying it.
- And then we get chapter 25 which is my favorite and not because it’s a sixth as long as the other chapters. But Bildad is rebutting Job’s claim that he’s living a pure life and he basically says, “Well… you did come out of a vagina.”
- Right, Job 25:4 “How can one born of a woman be pure.”
- That’s why a lot of Jewish communities are now hatching their kids, like in “Aliens”.
- As I’m reading this thing I was dreading doing this segment. Because what is there to say, “And the friends say ‘the exact same shit again’ and then Job says, ‘the exact same shit again’”?
- Yep. Either Job is saying he wishes he was dead or he’s pining for the good old days.
- …fucking tedious.
- I love that in chapter 31 Job’s talking about how moral he is and he says, “Have I not been good to my slaves?”… Yeah, what possible immoral act could you be doing here?
- Yeah it said he addressed all their grievances fairly, as long as their grievance wasn’t “I’m a fucking slave.”
- He also says, “If my heart has been enticed by a woman let other dudes rape my wife, for that would be just”. So yeah, Job was a stand up guy.
- I think Job 31:31 is relevant here … (quote) “[...] Those of my household have never said ‘Who has not been filled with Job’s meat?’”
- Then this YouTube comments debate between Job and his buddies draws to a merciful close; but as soon as it does, Elihu chimes in.
- Just in case you hadn’t gotten your fill of repetitive poetic debate.
- And Elihu is basically pissed at all of Job’s friends for not proving that he was a sinful asshole.
- And this goes on for chapters and chapters. And for all of those people who tell me that there’s some deep beauty to this book… look, chapter 36 contains the phrase, “Truly my words are not false.” That’s shit writing. I’m sorry.
- Yeah that’s the second line of an 7-year-old’s first haiku. Granted a 7-year-old that can count up to their age, but they’re not bringing much more to the table … “And-Po-Em-Is-Done.”
- And the whole Elihu bit was clearly added after somebody read through this book and realized it made a great case for telling the clergy to fuck off. I mean, the clear message in this whole thing is “You can do everything god wants and he’ll still kill your kids and fill your rectum with boils,” so the prolonged Elihu speech is inserted to mitigate that a bit.
- And his whole argument could basically be summed up as “Sure, Job’s getting ass fucked here, but look at trees!”
- And Job’s like: “What about trees?” … “Bend over, and I’ll show you.”
- Then finally God shows up, late to the comment thread as always.
- And his answer is no better than Job’s buddies.
- Yeah, he basically tells him to rub some dirt in it.
- Pour some Jobitussin on it.
- So god goes on with a checklist of everything he’s ever done from making horses jump to putting stars in the heavens in this perpetual “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch” speech.
- Right – God clearly doesn’t want to admit that Satan tricked him into another bet, like he’s Nathan Detroit from Guys and Dolls … So he goes on a rant that ends with Zach Galifinakis describing the eagle: (quote) “It dwells on a cliff and stays there at night; a rocky crag is its stronghold. From there it looks for food; its eyes detect it from afar. Its young ones feast on blood, and where the slain are, there it is.” (end quote) … So God’s big final reveal is that he invented birds that eat decomposing dead animals.
- And he gets so carried away listing his accomplishments that he starts making shit up. I mean, what was all that behemoth shit about?
- I guess the Bible needed some science cred, so they wrote in some cryptozoology. And as it turns out, God has some weird bestiality issues … Because he’s clearly sexually attracted to the enormous liquid-metal land beast he created. And all the descriptions were weird, loins-region body parts that should really be pointed to on a doll.
- Yeah, and the fire-sneezing leviathan… God’s challenging Job and he might as well be saying, “Well what right do you have to question me? You can’t even catch a snipe.”
- Guessing from my knowledge of 80s action movies, I think that’s the thing Jesus will have to fight at the end. Like, the boss villain.
- I can already picture Charlton Heston, standing in the middle of the Jordan river, shooting a whale in the face with an AK-47.
- And in the end god gave Job new camels and children and he lived happily ever after.
- And he’s not even Jewish!!! They better be careful giving whole books to a gentile … Or else someone’s gonna hijack your protagonist, get him killed, and blame you for the murder.
Job is generally held to be the oldest book in the bible, but it’s certainly not the longest. That honor goes to the insanely long fucker we’ve got coming up next; Psalms. A hundred and fifty of those motherfuckers.
Instead, can we listen to 150 hours of Ted Nugent singing? Or 150 hours of Ted Nugent talking? While he gives us a sandpaper colonoscopy?
Too late. But the good news is that buried somewhere in the midst of all that crap is the midway point of the bible so we’re getting there.
Before we retreat to our coffins tonight, I wanted to offer a quick thanks to everyone at the Georgia Southern Secular Student Alliance for inviting me out to chat with them for Ask an Atheist Day. I had a blast, we’ll have to do it again sometime. We recorded a Farnsworth Quote while I was there… or at least we thought we did, but I didn’t double check the settings on my recorder so we didn’t, which pisses me off because it was a good one, but other than that, hell of a night. Thanks to Don, Craig, Brendan, Wendell, Zach, Chris… the long haired dude… the two girl’s whose name I never caught and everybody I’m forgetting to name.
That’s all the blasphemy we have for you for the night, but if you want more, there’s more. You can catch me for a few seconds on the latest episode of the Herd Mentality with Adam Reakes, and if that’s not enough (and it’s not), you can also catch me on Atheistically Speaking with Thomas and special guest CJ Werleman on Monday. I’ll also be on Atheist Hangouts with Gamma Atheist next Saturday, that’s the 26th and that’ll be live; I’ll have the links for it on the shownotes for this episode.
Of course I need to thank Heath for not making it too obvious how much funnier than me he is, I need to thank Lucinda for taking the bible like a champ, and of course, I need to thank Katja for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote, though I think we’ll need more than that before we’re willing to forgive you for Ken Ham. I’m thinking the Southern Cross and that big ass rock you guys have.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most dedicated deuterostomes; Steve, William, Leo, Alden, Ryan, Aiden, Andrew, Matt, Jeff, Cameron, James, Keovar, Stuart, other Steve, Nick, Adam, Alan and Joel. Steve, William and Leo, whose testicles have lagrangian points; Alden, Ryan and Aiden, whose intellects are so powerful their brains eat zombies; Andrew, Matt and Jeff, whose nunchaku skills are the only thing Putin truly fears; Cameron, James and Keovar, who are so sexy even blind people masturbate to their pictures; Stuart, Other Steve and Nick, whose erections would make Spiderman feel acrophobic; and Adam, Alan and Joel, who are so cool they’re measured in Kelvin.
Together, these eighteen sexy bastards earned the right to call themselves super-atheists this week by giving us money. Only the most heroic and virtuous listeners have what it takes to give us money, but if you were looking for an excuse to wear a cape anyway, you can help support our efforts by making a per episode donation at Pateron (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist or you can make a one time donation by going to Scathing Atheist (dot) com and clicking on the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage.
And, of course, if you want to help us but your money’s still tied up in that reversible condom concept, you can always leave us a review on iTunes or download the Stitcher app, check us out there and show us some love in the comments. And oh yeah, we’re really close to our 2000th Twitter follower so be sure to volunteer for that honor, too. And oh other yeah, but the book on Amazon.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the final cut due to time constraints.
Warning: Despite movie titles to the contrary, god is dead.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new fast food chicken restaurant for sexual deviants; Chick Fellatio. Where godless perverts go to wolf down cock.
Chick Fellatio; because we don’t want you degenerates and homos eating at our other restaurants.
And now the Scathing Atheist…
It’s April 10th
And normally black people are way cooler, but the over-sized baseball hat, with no curve … and the sticker on the inside of the brim … That was a cultural mis-step.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright and from America’s G-Spot, New York, New York…
And America’s unpopped boil, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode
A Polish priest will notice the Lego brick road to atheism.
We’ll discuss Heath’s balls,
And we’ll learn that “God hates gay corporations too.”
But first, the diatribe.
If another person tells me how religion helps people cope with death, I’m gonna kick ‘em in the nuts. And if it’s a woman or a eunuch, I’ll surgically attach nuts to them, just so I can kick them.
My best friend lost his mother a couple of weeks ago. And I’ve been writing this diatribe in my head ever since. I wanted to talk about it a few episodes back, but when you’re friends with somebody for twenty-five years, you get to be friends with their whole family and I didn’t trust myself to get through it.
See, I was with him when he got the call; she had a massive stroke while she was out shopping and after a few very difficult days in ICU, she passed. And I don’t think my friend would mind me saying that he was a momma’s boy. They were extremely close. Needless to say, he was devastated.
And here’s my godless ass standing next to him while he gets this information and I’ve got nothing to say. At once I saw the utility of those grief-platitudes the religious people have; all the “she’s in a better place” and “god has a plan” bullshit. Because in the moment; when someone you love is going through the worst pain in their life, there isn’t a fucking thing you can say that’ll make a difference. There was nothing I could say that would make it hurt less.
All I could say is, “Dude, I’m so sorry,” and “If you need anything, I’m here.” Useless. Utterly useless. Because one way or the other, losing your mom is agony and there’s no magical combination of words that alleviates it. But, as it turns out, there are plenty of combinations of words that exacerbate it.
I’ve gone on record before saying I don’t believe for a second that religious people are comforted by thoughts of Heaven in their grief. I don’t want to rehash my reasoning here, but if you want to know the details, check out the diatribe from episode nine. And while I’ve yet to see any evidence that religion makes death easier to deal with, I’ve seen ample evidence over the past month that it can make it a lot harder to deal with.
Ever since his mom died, the faith vultures have been circling. And it’s not just the hollow banalities about how his mom is with her favorite puppy or that god needed another angel and somehow can’t just fashion his own. He’s getting plenty of that shit and I’m sure it’s driving him nuts, but it’s nowhere near as egregious as all the people trying to springboard his personal tragedy into evangelical opportunity.
Now, I know these people are ultimately well intentioned in their own minds. I mean, none of them are rubbing their hands together going, “Excellent; he’s at his weakest. Grab the crucifix and get him!” They’re all trying to help. They’re telling him he should go to their church or he should pray with them or he should submit to god because they honestly think that shit’ll make things better. It doesn’t occur to them how pissed off they would be if a bunch of Muslims were trying to convert them at their mother’s funeral. They’ve been told a million times that the only thing that makes mortality bearable is the Jesus, so they’re trying to give him the Jesus.
But just because something’s well-intentioned doesn’t mean it’s forgivable. This isn’t a buddy who keeps his atheism close to his chest or anything, it’s tattooed on his fucking body. He’s a vocal nonbeliever and most of the people who are trying to guilt him back to church know this good and damn well. So not only does he have to deal with all the grief and misery that comes with losing his favorite person; he also has to keep his bullshit shield constantly at the ready.
It gets worse, of course. He was having a lot of trouble and wanted to talk to somebody so he set out to find a psychologist he could chat with. He’s got a lot more pride than money so this was a tough thing for him to do. He’s not the kind of person who easily opens up to complete strangers, so I’m sure it was really hard for him to muster the willpower to walk in the door.
And within five minutes, the fucking therapist was telling him how Jesus could Jesus that pain away if he’d just Jesus. I made him aware of the secular therapy project when he told me this story and we’re still trying to find some help for him, but secular therapy doesn’t have much of a presence in South Georgia and the whole time we’re hunting, he’s not getting help.
So sure, in a technical sort of way death is easier to deal with when you’re religious, but that’s only because you don’t have to put up with all the proselytizing cock-hammers. It’s like spiritual extortion; religious people aren’t insulated against grief; they’re just insulated against religion.
Joining me for headlines tonight is gracefully aging Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to talk about the coefficient of testicular expansion?
I’m only 32, and I already accidentally tea-bagged my first toilet bowl … Scrubbing bubbles … So ladies, if you’re into ball size, talk to me.
Wow… that might be the most disturbing image we’ve ever opened with. Anyway, in our lead story tonight, the internet is killing god. A recent study by Professor Allen B. Downey at the Olin College of Engineering provides yet more evidence of something both atheists and theists probably knew; there is a strong correlation between internet use and non-belief.
So more information … equals less belief in god. Basically Al Gore created the Atheist Superhighway, and you’ll all be extinct soon, just like Darwin said you would. Eat it!!!
The data set Downey used suggests that internet use may be a stronger factor in the loss of belief that education or even the religiosity of one’s parents. He does concede that it’s (quote) “not impossible to imagine plausible reasons why disaffiliation might cause increased Internet use”, (end quote) and while I’m sure the sudden lack of mastubatory prohibitions that motivate many newly minted atheists contribute, Professor Downey and I agree that most of the correlation probably goes the other way.
For me, it’s almost impossible to find god left-handed. But seriously, given all the information available on the internet, there’s more evidence of Chuck Norris being omnipotent, than any religious god.
This adds to mountains of existing data that suggest the same; and I think it’s worth noting that the most common causal explanation here is “access to information”. I know it seems obvious to atheists; but I think it’s worth bringing that up to religious folks from time to time; the more access to information people have, the less likely they are to agree with you.
Study shows strong correlation between internet use and atheism: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/05/what-single-factor-is-most-responsible-for-people-leaving-religion/
And in “Montreal Canadien Puck-Head” news, the Parti Quebecois, or Kweebakoys Party – put their notorious red-necky spin on what could have been reasonable secular legislation, when they proposed a set of laws that would allow public-sector employees to be fired if they refuse to comply with regulations banning non-essential headwear, such as all religious headwear.
They can have my pasta strainer when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.
Obviously, most employees in most jobs can clearly serve their function with or without a specific hat, so these legislators are just being white, xenophobic assholes. That being said …
If you’re so irrational, that you can’t go eight hours at work with your tin foil helmet, you’re not qualified to work the register at McDonald’s. And a line has to be drawn somewhere. Do we need affirmative action programs to get more Sikhs into the hat modeling industry?!?
Look, I’m a middle aged, long haired white dude in South Georgia, so maybe it’s no surprise that I side with the red-necky spin; but fuck you and your magic hat. I’m against all laws that make accommodations for people’s religion. Choosing to ascribe to a particular set of debunked fairy-tales should afford you no privileges, no matter how benign.
But let’s not forget to keep this all in context. As always, when you’re dealing with Canada “Big Hockey” pulls the strings behind all the decisions. I’m guessing this is all a response to a Muslim goalie who made some sort of unfair, turban-related save. And they don’t like Jews either, so it shouldn’t be long before the yarmulke becomes an illegal false idol to the puck.
No more illogical headwear exemptions in Quebec: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/05/proposed-quebec-charter-of-values-may-lead-to-the-public-sector-firings-of-those-who-wear-turbans-or-hijabs
And in “F is for Faith” news tonight, the Secular Coalition for America issued their annual congressional report card last week and to the surprise of nobody, American legislators suck at secularism. More than sixty percent of house members failed by the SCA’s standards with a pathetic thirty-six percent graded C or above.
Was there any indication which major party – if any – was particularly horrible for societal progress? Or were both parties about equally logical, as one would hope in a two-party system?
Actually, as it happens, only about zero percent of republicans are included in that “c or above” category with a whopping zero point four nine percent of republicans scoring above an F. The grades were based on fourteen votes in 2013 on issues like school board prayer, gay marriage, FEMA funding for churches and religion in the military.
And 315 out of 535 members of Congress got an F!!! Approximately 60 percent of people – in the United States Congress – can’t even get the very first amendment right!!! Not even a little!!! They didn’t even manage to squeeze out a D-minus!!! That’s illegal!!!
The senate scored significantly better, proving once again that the the senate is an ugly chick blessed with a much uglier friend.
Right the “Congressional Mascot Theory” …
Forty four percent of Senators flunked though the majority ranked at B or above. The SCA admits that data was harder to collect than it had been in years past, as the 2013 congress was only slightly more active than god.
Good point. Does shutting down the entire legislative process in a hissy fit over letting black people have health care count for extra credit? Or is that horrible and un-Christian, and therefore bad for the score?
Majority of US Congress “flunk” on secular report card: http://secular.org/news/us-house-flunks-%E2%80%98report-card%E2%80%99-church-state-issues
And in “There’s a state called Idaho” news, Christian parents in Idaho decided to keep the cycle of sheltered ignorance going, by insisting that the state’s largest school district ban a multi-award winning book because it contains several direct references to reality and other such dangerous ideas.
To me, that’s religion’s biggest tell. As a science minded person, I encourage everyone to look at what the other side has to say. By all means; go listen to Ray Comfort and Ken Ham and if anything those babbling fucks have to say changes your mind you were probably too stupid for our club anyway.
The book in question is “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian” by Sherman Alexie, and the allegedly controversial text isn’t even required for any assignment, but rather one of several options available to students. So these religious assholes already have a perfectly reasonable concession thrown their way, but they need to make sure every single student is barred from reading the book … And pressing the red button. Good luck with that.
Well now that you can get an audio bible, why the hell would these people even let their kids learn to read? They’re just begging for trouble.
Obviously they haven’t considered what the reading list looks like if atheists get to remove every book with the word ‘god’ or ‘faith’. Regardless, I’m thinking we brainstorm some titles for the zealot reading list. 30 seconds on the clock … “Fundamentalist-Friendly Novel Rewrites” … GO!
To Kill a Mocking-Cartoonist
“Little Women’s Rights”
Crime and Capital Punishment
Nice work – I was thinking “Sex Crime and No Punishment” …
What about: “Stranger Than Crucifixion”
Women in Love… but not with each other.
“One Shade of White”
Lady Chatterley’s Monogamous Relationship
That would make some great lesbian porn, along with “Koranna Karenina”.
Modestly Dressed Lunch
I heard “Pride and Prejudice” was the working title for the Pentateuch. Then they were calling it “The Divine Comedy”. Finally settled on “Torah”.
And, of course, Diatribes: Volume One; Fifty Essays from a (BLEEP) Misanthrope; which was the seventh best selling atheist book on the Kindle Store last time I checked but could probably use some more reviews.
“Satan Bought Hemant Mehta’s Soul On EBay”
Uppity Christian mom gets Idaho school to ban award winning book: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/06/idahos-largest-school-district-removes-award-winning-book-from-curriculum-in-part-because-it-mocks-jesus
And in “Warning: This Science May Contain Science” news tonight, a science museum in San Mateo, California has bowed to pressure from rational humans this week and removed a disclaimer that warned patrons that their live animal show (quote) “May discuss the topic of evolution”. That’s right; a fucking science museum in the conservative enclave of the San Francisco Bay felt the need to warn patrons that their presentations had true stuff in them.
What type of creationist is going to the science museum anyway?!? Snarky, hipster, Bible college students, taking ironic pictures in front of the so-called “science museum” ??? You guys want to get “still sober” and go to the “science museum”?!? Run away laughing, pushing each other into the bushes.
Biology professor, blogger and Darwin’s generation eight pitbull Jerry Coyne posted an excellent letter he sent to the museum that read in part: (quote) “Making [evolution] seem “scary” in this way only adds to the bad feelings people have about such a marvelous view of life, and deprives children of a proper grounding in biology.”
“Creationists with mental epilepsy may want to wear this blindfold” … They already do that. Let’s not encourage them further.
To their credit, the museum removed the disclaimer quickly after they started getting feedback from science advocates and explained that it only showed up there in the first place because some Christian turd-worm complained when their kid’s sensitive ears were corrupted by the blasphemous proclamations of Satan. Only they didn’t say “turd-worms”. But I can read between the lines.
Science Museum removes evolution warning: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/07/after-pushback-science-museum-removes-evolution-disclaimer-from-posters/
And in “Sunday Mass Genocide” news, it’s the twentieth anniversary of the tragic massacre in Rwanda, in which nearly a million members of the Tutsi tribe were killed by the rival Hutu militia, for having differing historical religious beliefs. Please note and applaud the serious voice, and lack of sarcasm thus far.
Yeah, but my inbox is already cringing in anticipation.
We’ll get there. If an indictment for genocide, extermination, murder, and rape by the United Nations is any indication, it seems Father Wenceslas Munyeshyaka, was heavily complicit in the extermination campaign. Apparently international prosecutors haven’t been able to locate his secret hideout, which is the medieval church in Gisors, France – about an hour northwest of Paris, where he is a fully-practicing priest.
Yeah, it should be a lot harder than that to find war criminals on Google maps.
These Vatican guys can’t pick a horse very well, can they? They had their money on Nazis and Hutu exterminators. And when the bet blew up in their faces … again … “What do we do?!?” … “I don’t know? What did we do last time? We smuggle out the genocidal clergy right?!?”
And one crotchety old fucker’s back there going, “Eh, that’s been done to death.”
Vatican should apologize for role in Rwanda tragedies: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/apr/08/catholic-church-apologise-failure-rwanda-genocide-vatican
And finally tonight, in “Well, I do say Goddammit when I step on them” news tonight, polish priest Slawomir Kostrzewa warned parents during a Lent service that the desolate one had discovered a new tool to lure the souls of their unsuspecting children into the womb of darkness. In addition to fame, lust, wealth and sick guitar riffs; the devil has now added interlocking plastic building blocks to his arsenal.
So according to Christianity … Lego should soon beat out Bag of Glass, Throat Clogger Uppers, and Gas-Powered Sharp Thing, to top SNL’s list of “Most Dangerous Toys”.
Noting that the expressions of lego people have become increasingly “angry” over the years father Kostrzewa explained that this could only be explained by the influence of a mythical goat man. Kostrzewa recommends that Catholic priests give up on lego altogether and instead rely on Duplo blocks or K’Nex to lure children into their unmarked vans.
This is the same guy that connected Hello Kitty to (quote) “violence and the pornography industry.” (end quote) … What kind of fucked-up Asian kiddie porn does this guy watch?!? …
And what’s the website? <<<satire sound effect>>>
Thanks to Kostrzewa’s vigilance we now know that the evil one is infiltrating the toy industry so as a public service announcement for polish paranoia, and because fuck it, there are no rules; I propose we put 30 more seconds on the clock; Satanic versions of popular children’s toys. Go!
Fake Projectile Vomit
Where in the Underworld is Carmen Sandiego?
Finger Me Elmo
Barbie’s Malibu Dream Bodega
See, when I was a kid I had plenty of fun with some Beelzebubble-wrap.
Lord Of The Game Fly (dot) com
What about the “Mephistophel-EZ-Bake Oven”
Cabbage Patch Abortions
Right, and you can carry them with the “Baby Still Bjorn”.
Holy shit, that may also be the most disturbing image we’ve ever closed on. Congratulations.
The well full of dead baby jokes doesn’t dry up, does it? Somebody’s refilling it.
And when we come back, we’ll say more horrible shit.
It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the occasional few minutes we set aside to talk up some of the great atheist, secular and skeptical meetups going on around the country and around the world.
I’m guessing if you haven’t already booked your shit for the Freethought Festival, NECSS or the American Atheists Annual convention it’s probably too late to talk you into that, and I believe that all the free tickets for ReasonCon the first weekend of May are claimed, but fear not, as there are still plenty of great conventions this spring you still have time to hit up.
If you’re bummed that you’ll miss ReasonCon but you’ll still be in the North Carolina area, the FFRF’s Raleigh Regional Convention is taking place the same weekend in, you guessed it, Raleigh. Their lineup of speakers includes Bart Ehrman which is pretty sweet. That’s the weekend of May 3rd.
Same weekend and other side of the country you’ve got the Orange County Freethought Alliance Conference in California. Cristina Rad, Jerry DeWitt, Mikey Weinstein… holy shit that sounds fun, shame I’ve got equally awesome plans.
The third annual “Women in Secularism” conference is coming up May 16th through the 18th just outside of DC. I’ve heard a lot of good things about the last two and this year’s lineup includes Ophelia Benson, Debbie Goddard, Susan Jacoby and a lot more. Tickets are reasonable and available.
For our Canadian listeners in or near BC, you’ve got what I believe is Canada’s largest annual freethought convention, “Imagine No Religion”. The conference is in its fourth year and from what I hear they’re getting good at it. Don’t believe me? Eugenie Scott, Dan Barker, Annie Laurie Gaylor, Seth Andrews, Jerry Coyne, Jerry DeWitt, Margaret Downey, Hemant Mehta, Darrel Ray… do I have to go on, because I could? Anyway, should be awesome.
Of course you’ll find links for more information on all these events on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And remember, there’s no charge or anything to get your event listed on the show. Send me an email and I’m happy to plug it. And if you haven’t been to an atheist convention yet… well, to be perfectly honest neither have I, so I can’t give you shit for it. That being said, I’m changing that in May and I strongly encourage you to do the same.
From time to time, Noah and I like to kick back, relax and let our listeners do all the heavy lifting by sending in emails laden with insight, thought provoking questions and/or dick jokes.
So with a bit of feedback piling up and a couple extra minutes in this week’s show, here’s a long overdue bit of audience feedback.
Yeah, how’s the intro coming for this segment?
It’s probably gonna be awesome.
Alright, so our first email comes from a listener named Beth who needed to call us out for douchebaggery. Beth writes:
Hi guys. Normally I really enjoy the show and the satire. I have to call douche baggery on your comments about Sarah Palin’s chromosome endowed family. Not cool guys.
I am disappointed.
So yeah, jokes about kids with Down Syndrome piss people off. Who knew?
She’s offended on behalf of people who never stop smiling … Does it help that none of the 47-clubbers that listen to this show got that joke, or this one?
Probably not. I emailed Beth back, but she’s not the first listener that’s called us out for “punching down” in our jokes; which we do quite often. I’m not gonna share the whole email I sent back, but here’s the meat and potatoes of it:
Sorry if you were offended, Beth. I’ll be the first to admit that we often get carried away and neither of us have much in the way of a moral compass when it comes to humor. We go into every episode knowing that we’re going to offend at least a few people and get (rightly) called out for some douche-baggery.
I can’t honestly say it won’t happen again. If you have lines you don’t think should be crossed, it’s all but a guarantee that we will eventually cross them. There are a few things we won’t joke about, but not many. I make no apologies for the joke (if I thought it was out of bounds, I wouldn’t include it in the show), but for whatever it’s worth, I appreciate you letting us know that you disagree.
Okay, sorry, I guess that was the whole email I sent back.
Next email comes from Mark in… let’s just say Pittsburgh and Mark says:
Hey guys (and gal), love the show… yadda, yadda, yadda.
Anyway, I was wondering if you guys had considered doing a segment where you go to different churches and review the services? Could be funny.
Mark, we’re already reading the fuckin’ bible. Do you want my blood, too?
And the last time I crossed the threshhold into a church, my pant leg burst into flame.
No surprise that last week’s diatribe inspired more than a couple emails. A lot of our fans came to Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s defense and a couple of them did so by pointing out that a dude who does an atheist show under a pseudonym doesn’t get to call anybody out for not “coming out as an atheist.”
Right, because your pseudonym has something to do with the closet-logical astronomer’s congnitive dissonance.
Yeah, that sounds damning and all, but it’s a non sequitur. I’m very clearly doing this show under a pseudonym. I’m not pretending my name’s really Noah Lugeons and I’m not redefining what “name” really means to get there.
But more to the general theme of the feedback; the point I’m trying to make is that Tyson is confusing the issue by pretending you can simultaneously not believe in god and not be an atheist. In so doing, he’s helping to both define and reinforce a negative stereotype of atheists. And if you want to hear the point expressed brilliantly, listen to his recent interview on the Rationally Speaking podcast and imagine me saying “I’m Noah Lugeons and I approved this message” after every question Julia Galef asks.
Our last email comes to us from…
I fucking love Julia Galef. She would be sexy even if she couldn’t intellectually smackdown geniuses, but she can. Damn that’s hot.
You need a minute to yourself there?
No, I’m good ‘til the end of this segment.
That’s all I ask. Anyway, our last email comes from a rare incoherent post on Facebook, which says:
“If there is no god, what’s your purpose in life?”
Hmm… that would be a good question if it was less stupid.
If there IS a god, then what’s the purpose in life?!? Be entertaining rats for him?!?
I submit that a life need not have an overarching purpose to have “meaning”. So honestly, the only way to really fail to have “purpose” is to dedicate one’s life to something that… you know… doesn’t exist.
Right. Anyway, that’s all we’ve got for feedback this go-round. If you want to hear this segment more often, send us more shit.
The Lord said unto Moses, an Egyptian’s what you pose as;
But look at all their noses and you’ll see that you’re a Jew.
Unto the lord then replied Moses, “Just what do you suppose is,
Gonna happen when they know this? Just what am I to do?”
Well what he did was end up fleein’, he wound up in Median,
Where he found a priest agreein’ to give up his daughter’s hand.
But all the shit he started seein’ left him guaranteein’
That his purpose would be freein’ all the Hebrews in the land.
So upon a bushes edict, he headed back to Egypt.
He needed his son’s wee dick, when he wrestled God.
But the Hebrew’s wouldn’t dare go, so Moses talked to Pharaoh.
With his eyes enraged and narrow and both hands on Aaron’s rod…
He said, “LET MY PEOPLE GO!”, but the Pharaoh just said, “No.”
And fearing that might be so he tossed down the staff that god empowered.
It became a snake but those Egyptians, well they also had magicians.
Both of their staffs started hissin’ but quickly got devoured. Oh no…
But still the Pharaoh, unimpressed, he left that grievance unredressed,
So as you might have guessed, the plagues are here unveiled.
Bloody waters soon arise; frogs start fallin’ from the skies,
He sends a bunch of gnats and flies, epidemics, boils and hail.
But still the Hebrew’s stayed unpardoned when god’s locusts ate their gardens.
Since the Pharaoh’s heart was hardened, Moses needed one last card to play.
So with the firstborns lyin’ dead, Pharaoh finally said:
“Take your unleavened bread and go the fuck away.”
They rejoiced with sounds like thunder when the Pharaoh knuckled under,
They grabbed a bunch of plunder, followed smoke that god provided.
But soon doubts about the route came out; unto Moses the devout would shout:
“I guess your god’s no Eagle-Scout; just look where we’ve been guided!”
You see the Pharaoh’d sent his men of war in hopes of settlin’ the score;
And here the Jews are on the shore, trapped and ripe for slaughter.
So Moses feelin’ like a schmuck, he says “God I think you got us stuck!
It looks like we’re completely fucked unless you divide the water.”
Little bit of eatin’ Manna later, Moses talks to his creator;
So he could act as god’s translator and carve commandments into stone.
Then on the impatient Jew’s behalf; Aaron makes a golden calf,
Which they pray to bringing wrath for which little mercy would be shown.
Then startin’ in chapter twenty-four we pretty much just discuss decor,
Despite there being plenty more important things to tackle.
Important shit just gets ignored as we spend the last sixteen chapters bored,
Learning exactly how the lord wants his tabernacle.
Before we empty the clip tonight, I wanted to let everyone know that the paperback version of our new book is now available. You’ll find a link on the shownotes for this episode and it should be on Amazon by now; if not, by tomorrow. Of course, if you don’t mind waiting, you can pick up a discounted autographed copy at ReasonCon on May 3rd in Hickory, North Carolina. If you haven’t already gotten your free tickets to that event; sorry, it is sold out, though you can still get on the waiting list in case of a cancellation.
I also wanted to thank everybody who rated the ebook on Amazon; we’re one of the top ten selling atheism books on the whole of the interwebs right now and we’ve got you to thank for it; so thanks.
And also a huge thanks to everybody who shares the show; rates it on iTunes or tells their friends about it. We’ve been seeing a huge surge in downloads the last couple of weeks and we really appreciate all the people who are making that happen for us, whoever and wherever they are.
That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you, but if you want more, there’s plenty of it. I participated in a two part panel discussion on the Imaginary Friends Show this week. By the time this airs both parts should be available. I was also on the “Atheist Nomads” podcast this week and had a great chat with Dustin and Wesley over there; both shows will be linked on the shownotes, of course.
Can’t close the show without thanking Heath for his continued excellence in the field of phallic humor. Need to thank Lucinda for all the great openings and happy endings. Need to thank Deb, Vinnie and their four legged compatriot for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and just being all around excellent human beings.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most estimable primates; John, Jason, April, William, Ryan, Aaron, Stephen, Andrew, Dennis, Don, Atheous, Miranda, Jennifer, Matthew, Alex, Tim, Xemu, Z, Brad, Neil, Yadiel, Andrew, Bart, Scott and Wayne.
John, Jason, April, William and Ryan, who are so brilliant they cast shadows on light bulbs; Aaron, Stephen, Andrew, Dennis and Don whose erections impede satellites; Atheous, Miranda, Jennifer, Matthew and Alex, whose sexual magnetism baffles juggalos; Tim, Xemu, Z, Brad and Neil, whom even brevity would concede are the true souls of wit; and Yadiel, Andrew, Bart, Scott and Wayne, each of whom swing enough pipe to demonstrate the earth’s rotation.
These twenty-five insufficiently complimented individuals have augmented their personal legacies this week by giving us money. Only the most helpful, hopeful, noble Nobel hopefuls have what it takes to give us money, but if you think you share their dedication to future generations; and you want to earn a bunch of really cool bonus shit, you can donate to the show at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist; or for a one time donation; click the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you were just about to donate but your dog ate your paypal account, you can also help us out for free by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes; as well as liking, subscribing to, circling, and/or following us on all those social media sites you know we know you frequent.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
(note: transcript contains elements that were removed from the final edit due to time constraints)
Warning: When we put the explicit tag on this podcast, we weren’t fucking around.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new line of forensic-friendly footwear for kiddy-diddling clergy … Unmarked Vans
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And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s April 3rd,
And yogurt companies still can’t get rid of that jizz puddle on top.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from “coldhearted” New York, New York
And “uncharted” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
Studies show you don’t have the right to your wrong opinion,
We’ll declare South Carolina state senator Kevin Bryant the show’s official fossil,
And Eli Bosnick will join us to review “God’s Not Dead”.
But first, the diatribe…
I love me some Neil DeGrasse Tyson. That’s dude’s awesome. When he talks about the universe, it makes me want to grab my telescope. When he talks about evolution, it makes me one to thank a bacterium. And when he talks about atheism, it makes me want to microwave my dick.
This is actually a really hard diatribe for me, because I’m gonna be bitching about somebody that I admire. And odds are, he’s somebody that you admire too. How could you not? He’s brilliant, funny, engaging, witty and he’s done more to inspire reverence for science than I could do if you gave me six lifetimes. And he also pulls off the sexy-ass mustache like nobody’s business.
And if you’ve never heard him directly confront the atheism question, you’re probably wondering how the hell I could possibly have an issue with this dude. He’s one of the most effective voices in the country fighting against the encroachment of creationism into our schools; his entire life is dedicated to spreading critical thinking and he hasn’t passed up on a single chance to bitch slap young earthers in the new Cosmos series.
In light of all the positive shit he’s done, my complaint seems a bit like a nitpick. But I also think it’s an important one. So Neil, if you’re listening to this, and let’s face it, you’re not; just admit it. You’re an atheist, bro. The religious folks already hate you regardless so you might as well join the club.
For the record, I should note that if you ask Tyson, he’ll tell you he’s not an atheist. But if you ask a dictionary, it’ll tell you that he is.
To be fair to Neil, I understand completely… and I also concede that he’s way smarter than me so there’s a good chance I just have my head up my ass on this one. After all, if you look at the backlash against Cosmos, it wouldn’t help at all if the creationists could trudge up a bunch of video of him saying he was an atheist. He made the decision that, for purposes of being an effective science communicator, he wasn’t gonna wear the label of atheism. He’ll tell you that the only “ist” he is, is a scientist.
And when he explains why, it’s damn convincing. Why claim some kind of knowledge that he can’t really have? Why claim to know something that can’t be known? And why wear a label that’s going to cause a lot of people to simply shut down and stop listening? If he says, “I’m Neil DeGrasse Tyson and I’m an atheist”, it’s gonna make it a lot harder to communicate effectively with believers, right?
Now, clearly, some of the reason this approach pisses me off is that I really, really want him in our club. He’s fucking awesome. I’d be proud as hell to claim him. But there’s another element here and I think it’s an important one… at least four minutes of the show worth of important, anyway.
When people like Tyson refuse the label of “atheism”, they’re perpetuating a stereotype. I’m sure that Neil Degrasse Tyson is well aware that atheists don’t claim to have knowledge of god’s non-existence. I’m sure he understands completely that the dividing line between a theist and an atheist is a matter of belief, not certainty. And I imagine he knows good and damn well that any reasonable definition of atheism includes him. But instead of embracing it, he’s bowing to the social pressure that says, “saying you’re an atheist is mean to religious people.”
What’s more, he’s helping to create this caricature of the atheist position that says we’re taking an intellectually untenable stance. After all, if he’s smart and he’s a scientist and he says he’s not an atheist, how can we hold that atheism is the “scientific” position?
Sure, it’s a semantic issue, but it’s an important one and not just in terms of atheism. The very concept of the “null hypothesis” is at stake here. When well known popularizers of science carve out this special exception for theism, they’re muddying the waters of what it means to think scientifically; to think critically. Do you think Tyson would go out of his way to admit that he doesn’t have special knowledge that Bigfoot doesn’t exist? Or that my aunt Martha wasn’t abducted by aliens?
The popular concept of what an “atheist” is will ultimately be determined by who chooses to wear that label. When Tyson backs away from it, he’s reinforcing the notion that to call oneself an “atheist” is to declare war on religion. And for all the listeners out there who are mentally defending Tyson by saying, “but he’s trying to be the most effective communicator of science he can be”, consider this:
Every time Tyson is asked if he’s an atheist (which happens quite often), he’s passing up on an opportunity to explain the scientific method. He could very easily reply with a succinct explanation of Occam’s razor along with a quick explanation of what “atheism” means. Instead he knowingly redefines atheism in an effort to exclude himself. And I just don’t see how you can say that confusing the definition of a word makes one a more effective communicator.
Joining me for headlines tonight is master masturbater baiter Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to put some porn on a string?
It’s easier than tying the flies.
You know, this reminds me of the day we met.
In our lead story tonight, from the massive “Christian Tax Embezzlement” file: Carroll County Maryland commissioner Robin Frazier opened up another government meeting with an illegal prayer. And because being righteous involves constant bouts of verbal diarrhea, she can’t freely practice Christianity without regularly forcing everyone else at work to waste time and tax dollars listening to her to talk about Jesus.
Yeah, not only are their churches tax exempt, but they also have to take things that are tax funded and do church in them. But at least she was ecumenical, right? Gave a nice measured, inclusive and non-judgemental speech with it and stuff?
Here’s an actual statement from Frazier, from last week’s meeting: (quote) “If we cease to believe that our rights come from God, we cease to be America … We’ve been told to be careful. But we’re going to be careful all the way to Communism…” (end quote) …
…Well that’s not hyperbolic…
She then read a deftly selected Christian prayer that was NOT written by George Washington. So she’s obviously got a lot of brain confusion going on, but somehow she knows about our plan to replace capitalism with atheism.
Pounding a nail right through the invisible palm of the market, yes sir.
Despite warnings of civil action by the American Humanist Association, they did the same thing again this week, and could now face penalties of approximately $10,000 per prayer. Seems like a fine that small should mean nothing to Christians, considering they can just pray for $11,000, or something even bigger … like eternal bliss. This should give us a nice quantifiable look at the real-life Pascal’s wagering behavior among purported ‘true believers’.
God mysteriously allows $10,000 prayer penalty: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/02/10000-a-prayer-if-humanist-group-prevails-in-court-these-elected-officials-may-owe-hefty-fine-for-violating-law
And in “Pleistocene Morality” news tonight, two Christian tit-nibblers in South Carolina have used actual taxpayer funded time to shit all over a little girl’s attempt to make the Wooly Mammoth her state’s official fossil. The story begins when young Olivia McConnell wrote to her state representative to point out that her state doesn’t have an official fossil and if they didn’t act quickly to appoint the wooly mammoth, they might end up with something shitty like Maryland’s fossilized snail or Maine’s petrified wood.
Are these guys suggesting the savior’s fossilized foreskin instead? That’s pretty close to petrified wood. And who doesn’t – once in a while – refer to their junk as “The Wooly Mammoth”???
That’s cross gender, yeah. Now, what should have been a cute and perfunctory educational experience that little Olivia could brag to her grandchildren about instead turned into a proxy war over creationism when state senator and Nickelodeon villain Kevin Bryant proposed an amendment that would insert a passage of Genesis into the bill just so nobody forgets who fashioned those fossils and fjords.
Which passage of Genesis was that? The part when God buried a bunch of fake animal remains that reconcile everything, right before he created Satan and archaeology? That part was redacted in my King James version.
Book of Prefect, I believe. Proving once again that there’s nothing too insignificant or petty for a creationist, Bryant and his henchman Senator Mike Fair spent about a week blocking this symbolic gesture in hopes of getting somebody to agree that Jesus, but when it became clear that everyone knew they were being assholes, the objection was withdrawn and the battle between South Carolina and Washington state over who has the legitimate claim to the Columbian Mammoth can begin.
SC lawmakers block 3rd Graders proposed state fossil because it would make Jesus cry: http://crooksandliars.com/2014/03/two-christian-sc-senators-block-third
And in “Double Standardized Testing” news, fact-denier schools in the UK were recently caught censoring out certain items from a nationally required science exam, because questions about things that happened before the fake universe began, are impossible to answer.
“Excuse me, Sister Mary Bumpuncher, which of the ovals stands for ‘were you there’?”
And if it were just a few priests and rabbis blacking out the evolution questions, and having the kids skip those, it would be stupid, but still representative of the knowledge being tested. Instead, these schools colluded with the exam agencies, which I would imagine means that being ignorant of basic science wouldn’t count against you, as long as your school administrators are followers of crazy old desert people. If you can’t – or won’t – learn science, then you should score badly on standardized science tests!!!
Yeah, “Civil Disobedience” would have been a hell of a lot less impressive if Thoreau was on the lam when he wrote it.
And just to weaken their absurd stance even more, the schools in question choose to be funded primarily by the state, despite being parochial in nature. Unbelievable!!! If you really insist on brainwashing your kids from birth, and intentionally feeding them a counter-factual education, then you have to pay for all of that yourself. Just be happy it’s not considered light-to-medium child abuse, as it probably should be.
UK Religious schools censor evolution questions on standardized tests: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/01/after-religious-schools-censor-questions-about-evolution-on-standardized-tests-uk-regulatory-group-bans-the-practice/
And in “Muster the brusquer buskers” news tonight, a group of spurned London street performers have taken a page out of Hobby Lobby’s playbook to avenge the demise of their profession. When the laws turn against you; make up some bullshit religious beliefs and use them to annoy the hell out of everyone.
What do these guys do? Couldn’t be any more annoying than subway preachers, who – by the way – can be quickly foiled in you loudly echo everything they say from the other side of the car.
“Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus!”
“Ladies and gentleman, I’D like to talk to you about Jesus!”
Well that exchange is probably no less annoying than their idea; The buskers in question have formed “The Church of the Holy Kazoo” in response to a recent law that barred street performers from using amplifiers or playing certain instruments without a license. Their church considers all songs to be hymns and busking as a form of worship and thus any attempts to curtail their performance is considered an impingement on their religious freedom.
Kazoo is great, but why not go full logical extreme? Maybe bagpipes? Portable fingernail blackboards? Yoko Ono???
Now, as a long time busker I want to sympathize with these guys, but the law is so innocuous I can’t get behind it. I’ve seen too many talentless assholes whacking on buckets and amplified beggars to dismiss the regulation, but I love the protest nonetheless. If enough people are willing to take up the kazoo in protest, perhaps we can at least get a law passed that bans street preachers.
Spurned buskers form “Church of the Holy Kazoo” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/29/these-musicians-got-around-their-towns-anti-street-performance-law-by-forming-the-church-of-the-holy-kazoo/
And in “Preemptive Dyke” news, 8-year-old Virginia girl Sunnie Kahle was pressured to end her enrollment at Timberlake Christian School for being too boyish, and therefore pre-pubescently homosexual.
What the hell does that even mean? You say “Ew… girls” instead of “Ew… boys”?
Unfortunately for the precocious carpentress, 8-year-old alleged homosexuals in Virginia are very similar to convicted felons, so her options going forward are limited. However, 18-year-old alleged homosexuals are actually at quite an advantage when applying to colleges, so let’s give her some ideas. 30 seconds on the clock: “LGBT Schools of Higher Education” … GO!!!
Double Oral Roberts
Gay-lor is too easy so… Clam-Slamherst.
Brown Eye University … Part of the H-Ivy League.
Cornhole up in Ithaca is H-Ivy league, too, isn’t it?
Known for going Corn-Elbow Deep … Maybe something right there in Virginia … William and Fairy?
I was gonna say “William and Marty”…
Sounds like one of those Sharter Schools … What about: “Civil Union Theological Seminary”???
How about “The University of No-to Dames”?
Home of the Sword Fighting Irish … What about “The University Formerly Known As Princeton”?
There’s already a “Queen’s University” in Canada, but it still counts if I say that it’s in “Strap-Ontario”, I think.
The SoreBun’s in Paris, right? And as if France wasn’t gay enough already: Their famous university is a homo-phone for a gay pun in English.
8 year old girl pressured to transfer from Christian school for seeming dykey: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/03/28/family-removes-8-year-old-tomboy-from-christian-school-in-virginia-after/
And before we close the headlines out tonight, I wanted to make the most awkward transition ever and take a rare serious moment to recognize a powerful force in the atheist movement who we lost last week. Edwin Kagin spent almost a decade as the Legal Director for American Atheists and played a vital role in the World Trade Center cross lawsuit, the atheist bench in Florida, the Kentucky Homeland Security Lawsuit and countless others.
But even long before that he’d made a name for himself as a powerful legal force for freethought and civil liberties. He was an author, a sought after secular speaker and a funny motherfucker, as evidenced by his proclivity for “de-baptizing” atheists with a hairdryer.
Perhaps the most important piece of his legacy is Camp Quest, the nation’s first strictly secular summer camp, which he co-founded with his late wife in 1996. This program has grown to include more than a dozen sites and serves hundreds of kids every summer. He was a dedicated, passionate and invaluable member of the humanist movement and will be missed.
If you’d like to support his legacy, we’ll be including a link to donate to Camp Quest on the shownotes for this episode.
And on that unusually somber note, we’ll close out the headlines for the night. Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will join us to beat God’s Not Dead to death.
Poem – Esther
King Xerxes was a child molester; and if you don’t believe me, just ask Esther.
She was virginal at age fifteen, until that pervert made her queen.
He fucked her young and fucked her often, and when his royal dick would soften,
He’d sent her out to live her life, and maybe fuck a different wife.
Now Esther might have been a temptress, but she was better than the prior empress,
Who King Xerxes deemed a twat, for expressing independent thought.
So when he finished with his Vashti purging, he sent a group to bring back virgins.
They bathed and dressed and spent a year, doing makeup and their hair.
And then he boned them one by one, taking notes each time he’d come.
And when all the virgins took the test, it turned out Esther was the best.
Historically, it’s not reliable, like many stories in the bible.
It’s another contradictory instance… C’mon, A great fuck and a Jewish princess?
But irrespective, I digress; there’s two more people to address;
First Haman, who’s a nasty brute; that hates the Jews who won’t salute.
So in a crowd Haman walks by, and each one bows but Mordecai.
So Haman says, “I’ve lost my patience! I’m with the king, now give obeisance!”
But flatly, Mordecai refused; So Haman walks off, his ego bruised.
He tells the king “My Lord, I do wish; I could murder everyone who’s Jewish”
So the king considers Haman’s plot; and says, “A holocaust? Well sure, why not?”
So quickly Xerxes pens a letter; that makes the plot a public record.
Of course, the king was unaware; that his lovely queen, so sweet and fair
Was actually a Jew, then add; that’s Mordecai is pretty much her dad.
What’s more, before the Haman thing; He’d stopped a coup against the king.
So Haman thinks this jews a goner, instead a parade’s held in his honor.
He then sees his adoptive daughter; says, “Have you heard about this pending slaughter?
So if you see the king, and get a chance; think maybe you could change his stance?”
So she invites her hubby and Haman; to a lovely banquet whereupon,
She says “Hey, those Jews you wanted dead? You mind murdering Haman instead?”
And the king says, “Sure, that all you want? Kill my trusted Commandant?”
She says, “Well, those Jewish killers you’ve amassed? Could you kill them too and do it fast?”
So he grants her wish and many die; then the king promotes ol’ Mordecai,
And the three of them have joy and laughter; while the rest die happily ever after.
Before we drain the bottle tonight, I want to let everybody know that there’s way more to the interview I did with Eli than what you just heard. Our Patreon Patrons heard about 50% more than everybody else, but even then there’s another ten or twelve minutes I didn’t have room for. If you want to hear the whole 26 minute interview, check out the extras page on our website for that. It’s free for everybody, patron or no.
That’s all we’ve got for tonight, but if you want more, there’s more. Thomas invited me on his new show “Atheistically Speaking” the other night to discuss the Hobby Lobby case; really interesting subject and we got pretty deep into it so I’d recommend that. I’ll also be on the upcoming episode of The Imaginary Friends Show plugging the hell out of my book this week so be sure to look for that coming soon.
Speaking of plugging the hell out of the book, it’s available as an e-book at the Kindle Store; if you use a different ebook service, let me know and I’ll see if we can get it listed there as well. And if you’re holding out for the paperback, you shouldn’t have to wait long. Hoping to have those available for order in the next couple of weeks; beginning of May at the latest.
You’ll find links to the book, as well as Atheistically Speaking and the Imaginary Friends Show on the shownotes for this episode.
A lot of thanks to squeeze into this outro so I’m gonna have to go super quick. I want to thank Elyse for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and on her behalf I want to say fuck that evolution denialist professor; need to thank Heath because he’s awesome; need to thank Lucinda because she’s also awesome but most of all, I need to thank this week’s most awesome people and holy shit is this week filled with “most awesome” people. So here it goes… all in one breath:
Joe, Konrad, Richard, Terry, Tommy, Paul, Michelle, Alana, David, Dana, Benjamin, Neil, Scott, Shane, Brian, Lauren, William, Brook, other David, Kevin, Jordan, Robin, John, Danni, Ivy, Paul, Geoff, Stephen with a “P”, Jay, Michael, Glenn, “B”, Chris, Drew, Sean, Debbie, Howard, Sabrina, Mike, Susan, Zach, Matt, Tom, Damian, Sakura, other other David, Tyler, Tim, Mary, Steven with a “V”, Soren, Allen, PK, Joe, Dee, Brandon, Kelvin, Christopher, Brian, Joel, Thomas, James, other Michael, Vinnie, Dave and Matthew.
Joe, Konrad, Richard, Terry, Tommy, Paul, Michelle, Alana, David, Dana, and Benjamin, whose neuronal activity could jumpstart a flux capacitor; Neil, Scott, Shane, Brian, Lauren, William, Brook, other David, Kevin, Jordan and Robin, whose IQs are so high most people assume they’re being expressed in binary; John, Danni, Ivy, Paul, Geoff, Stephen with a “P”, Jay, Michael, Glenn, “B” and Chris who are so sexy they make Diogo Morgado look like a crucified Jew; Drew, Sean, Debbie, Howard, Sabrina, Mike, Susan, Zach, Matt, Tom and Damian, who make Captain America seem like a pansy for needing the shield; Sakura, other other David, Tyler, Tim, Mary, Steven with a “V”, Brandon, Allen, PK, Soren and Dee, whose adventures are so epic that even Peter Jackson couldn’t make them boring; and Joe, Kelvin, Christopher, Brian, Joel, Thomas, James, other Michael, Vinnie, Dave and Matthew, whose cock rings are mostly comprised of icy bodies and small meteors.
These sixty-six brave and noble… holy shit, 66? Really!? Wow… holy fuck you guys are awesome. Seriously. Anyway, these sixty-six noble and valiant listeners have proved themselves paragons of humanity this week by giving us money, many of them by signing up for recurring payments through our new, easy to use, bonus content laden Patreon Page at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, others by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage.
And I don’t have time to remind you to give us a glowing review on iTunes or to check us out on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube because I had too many people to thank.
If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints. An unedited version is available to our Patreon.com patrons)
Warning: This podcast may contain explicit references to things that Jesus might have put in his butt.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new line of Catholic faux-phylactics: Decepticondoms DNA Incubators (From the makers of Kingdom Cum Perforated Rubbers)
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And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s March 27th,
And everyone should know how to rip duct tape at this point – It’s not that difficult!!!
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Yankee Pot Roasting” New York, New York
And “Rebel Plot Boasting” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
Hobby Lobby’s medical plan now covers opium tonic, leeches, and hysterectomies,
We’ll give you this chocolate bar if you’ll get in the van,
And we’ll learn why lesbian Latinas that like to get stoned are exactly my type.
But first, the diatribe…
As atheists, we don’t get to imagine the post-mortem last laugh the way the religious people do. Unfortunately, Fred Phelps never gets to realize how wrong he was because he’s dead. But it would be kind of nice to think of him waking up in a paradoxical non-afterlife and realizing that, nope, it wasn’t god, he was just a bigoted sperm flake the whole time.
But I don’t bring up his death to celebrate or rejoice or to beat off on his grave. Yes, the world is better off without that hate-monger and yes, I was happy to learn he died. But I’m not heartless. I feel sorry for his family like I would any family that lost someone. And I feel sorry for all the media outlets who have to find some new mentally deranged fringe nutcase to raise to an undeserved national notoriety. But most of all, I feel sorry for all the people who email me and try to demonize our show because they have to find a new person to pretend we obsess over and compare all religious people to.
It’s probably the single most common sentence in our critical feedback: “All Christians aren’t Fred Phelps.” It’s a rallying cry for moderate Christians who insist that Jesus was down with the gays way before it was cool. And anybody who points out the social ills that Christianity spawns is faulted for judging all of Christianity based on people like Fred Phelps. I got an email a couple months ago that challenged me to go a whole episode without mentioning him.
Truth is, of course, we’ve done that 51 times in our first 57 episodes. We’ve never actually reported on anything the asshole did; in fact. He came up in the headlines three times; once when somebody turned the house across from his church into a gay pride flag; once when the head of the Satanic Temple turned his dead mom gay with sperm and lesbians and once when a bassist fingered herself on his front lawn.
Neither Heath nor I have ever said anything on this show that could be reasonably construed as a suggestion that Fred Phelps was a “typical” Christian. He was a xenophobic attention whore that wanted to be seen as the nemesis of the secular world and got his wish. He wasn’t worth all the attention the mainstream media gave him; he wasn’t worth all the rancor the secular movement invested in him… the only thing Fred Phelps was worth was 16 points in my celebrity death pool.
But he was a Christian, and whether they like it or not, Christianity is stuck with him. It’s not like this dude made up his own wacky religion or anything; he used the same wacky religion all the other Christians are using. And while his tactics were almost universally rejected; homophobia is hardly a fringe Christian belief. According to a 2012 Lifeway survey, 73% of Evangelical Christians think homosexuality is a sin. Nearly three quarters of them agree that god does, indeed, hate fags.
And I think that’s important to keep in mind when you see all the reluctant eulogies of the Westboro patriarch. The op-eds are working overtime to try to distance Phelps’ church from the rest of the Jesusy folks. Almost every article I saw pointed out that the Westboro Baptist Church wasn’t a member of the Southern Baptist Convention or any other “official” Baptist group; but I haven’t seen a single one that put that in context by mentioning that most Baptist churches aren’t affiliated with the SBC or any other “official” Baptist Group.
They also make sure to point out how small the church was. Only 40 active members. 100 at it’s height. And again, they don’t point out that the average Baptist church has about 125 members and that’s with the mega-churches skewing the shit out of the numbers. Phelps’ congregation was probably smack dab on the median.
So why is everybody going to such great lengths to divorce him from the rest of his faith? I understand why Christians are in such a hurry to call a Mulligan on him, but why is the media so complicit? Hell, a piece on MSNBC went so far as to dub Phelps “pseudo-religious”. There aren’t many bad things you could say about the dude that I would take issue with, but for whatever it’s worth, he was definitely devout.
Sorry, Christianity, but if you aren’t willing to take the bad, you aren’t allowed to take the good either. If Fred Phelps doesn’t count then you don’t get the Martin Luther Kings or… shit, do they have anybody else that wasn’t an asshole?
Doesn’t matter. The fact is that any reasonable definition of Christianity has to include that mummified turd juggler. And unless they can convince themselves that he wasn’t a true Scotsman, they have to ask themselves which is true: Are Christian morals really that horrible or are one’s morals independent of one’s religion? And if they’re honest with themselves, they’ll have to answer “both”.
Joining me for headlines tonight is anxious baseball fan Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to play ball?
Sure, but I’m still enjoying the last four days the Mets get to be at or above .500
Fair enough. In our lead story tonight, the Supreme Court heard arguments on Tuesday in the case of “Human Decency v. Hobby Lobby”. The case revolves around the bafflingly controversial “contraceptive mandate” in the Affordable Care Act. Hobby Lobby is one of many corporations suing for a legal exemption from this mandate because they believe that contraceptives like IUDs and morning after pills cause abortions. The fact that their wrong about that somehow didn’t end the bickering so the Supreme Court got involved.
And the Bible doesn’t ban contraceptives. First of all, that would be impossible, because unless the author was omnipotent or something, he couldn’t know about condoms thousands of years before they were invented. Second, the passage in Genesis that everyone harps on, is talking about a dude who’s supposed to bang his dead brother’s widow, but he pulls out so he won’t have to add another kid to his will. That’s it!!! Nothing even remotely related to modern contraception … And the whole point of the story is that he finishes on her face for a selfish motive. The sin isn’t the money shot – in and of itself.
One of the big issues in the case is whether or not a for-profit company has a religion and thus the right to freely exercise said religion. Justice Sotomayor, who is pretty awesome for a Catholic, started things off by pointing out that this exemption could open the door to corporations refusing to pay for vaccines or blood transfusions on similar religious grounds. And it took them a long time to get there, but eventually Justice Kennedy pointed out that employees also have rights.
Good point … People are corporations too.
The overwhelming view of the people who say they know way more about this than me is that the contraceptive mandate will be overturned, mostly because the majority of the Supreme Court justices have testicles.
Hobby Lobby case before Supreme Court: http://www.theguardian.com/law/2014/mar/24/hobby-lobby-sureme-court-obamacare-contraception
And in “Under-the-Counter Apologetics” news, the Vatican is doing its best to explain why German customs seized 340 grams of cocaine, packed into 14 condoms, on its way from South America, bound for the Vatican Post Office, via Liepzig, Germany.
If Hobby Lobby gets its way the packaging might be as valuable as the contents.
Outraged at swirling accusations, an un-named papal source may have made the following statement: (quote) “We swear we would never have used those condoms.” (end quote) …
And they wouldn’t have. But given the church’s history, these guys should be wearing government-monitored perma-condoms at all times, like a GPS Cranklet.
This is such a confusing story. The whole point of transporting cocaine in condoms is so you can swallow it and shit it out once you get past customs…
So – Germany, Vatican City, South America … Anything with that path is automatically suspicious. It’s like their own little triangular trade. And against all odds, it might be more offensive. Instead of rum, sugar, and slaves, it looks like these guys are moving fugitive Nazis, condoms, and blow … So say what you will about contraception – and the tenets of national socialism – the cocaine is pretty damning.
German customs seizes cocaine addressed to Vatican: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/report-germans-seize-cocaine-addressed-to-vatican/2014/03/23/fb48d5bc-b287-11e3-bab2-b9602293021d_story.html
And in “Creepy People luring kids into their windowless vans for Jesus” news tonight, parents near the Gospel of God Baptist Church in Asheville, North Carolina were assured by police that the wave of creepy men trying to lure neighborhood kids into their cars were only trying to rape the children’s brains.
At least they chose cars. Classy move. Way less rapey than vans. As long as they weren’t Volkswagens.
After several reports of men in suits coaxing children toward their cars, local police determined that the degenerate perverts in question were actually perverts for Jesus and were just trying to convince stranger’s children that they would burn in hell eternally if they didn’t get dunked in water by a shaman. Which, in some ways, is better than trying to fuck them.
Well as long as they were mini-abductions, and they weren’t overtly sexual … Did they have good candy, at least? Fun size is bullshit. If I’m a kid, and I’m risking an unmarked van situation, it better be the full-size fucking two-piece Twix Bar!!!
Reverend Keith Shelton doesn’t believe the church did anything wrong, but promises to review the policies and (quote) “be real aware of how we approach kids that aren’t in the presence of their parents” (end quote), apparently believing that there’s a correct way to do that.
Creepy people lure kids into their windowless vans for Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/24/these-strangers-were-trying-to-lure-children-into-their-cars-for-jesus/
And in “Homicidal Neckware” news, Sarah Palin spoke out publicly against the pro-choice cause, and their latest campaign, which involves wearing miniature coat-hanger necklaces. Perhaps unaware she often wears a T-shaped murder re-enactment necklace – or perhaps just plain special – Palin blasted anyone that would (quote) “wear this symbol of death around their neck.” (end quote)
I’ve got just such a necklace for you, Mrs. Palin… it’s called a garrote.
Considering the stem cells from her terminated vice presidential run were used to create Paul Ryan in a lab – and of course her chromosomally-endowed family – it seems like she would be at least a bit more receptive to pre-natal selection.
Her family looks like it came from the dumpster behind Gattaca.
Quick story time … When I was a kid, I would bend the coat hangers into a diamond shape, and then if you do everything smoothly, you can balance a nickel on the end of the hook, and spin it around on one finger without dropping the coin. If you’re good, you can even stop spinning, and the nickel’s still balanced.
I’d like to point out that (a) you have a readily available coat-hanger abortion anecdote and (b) none of our listeners are remotely surprised by that. Anyway, you were saying…
So I was reliving that only-childhood memory at college, and a girl saw me holding the hanger, and said: “Whoa – That’s not funny.” I said: “Yeah it’s not so much funny. Just a cool trick.” She got angrier, and said: “It’s not a cool trick either!” Confused by her negative reaction, and trying to explain, I said: “Ok, maybe the wrong words. It’s just a fun little skill to have as an only-child. Give me a nickel, and I’ll show you.” There was a nickel on the floor, so basically, she heard: “Bend over and I’ll show you.” When she was just about to mace me and make a vigilante arrest, another onlooker realized what was happening and explained the confusion.
Palin blasts symbol of death necklaces: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/21/sarah-palin-doesnt-see-the-humor-in-her-complaint-about-women-who-wear-a-symbol-of-death-around-their-necks/
And in “How long can it possibly take to say ‘God Did It’?” news tonight, creationists are demanding equal time to counteract all the scientific facts Neil DeGrasse Tyson keeps yammering on about in Cosmos. They argue that the engaging and accessible nature of the show is making it increasingly difficult for people not to laugh at how stupidly incorrect they are.
(laughing) Science deniers are wrong in a really stupid way!
In a wholly unnecessary demonstration of how much cerebral ass he kicks, Tyson responded by pointing out that, if anything, the media is far too accommodating when it comes to giving equal air time to the side that’s wrong; explaining (quote) “you don’t talk about the spherical earth with NASA and then say ‘let’s give equal time to the flat-earthers.’”
What about the “Shitty Design Theory”? … The “Small Boom Theory”? … There are an infinite number of ways to be wrong, so it’s literally impossible to give equal air time to all of them.
Alright, so we’ve got this really nice clock here, and I have these thirty seconds I need to put somewhere, so thirty seconds on the clock… Titles for Creationist Documentaries. Go!
Let There Be Spinal Tap!
Compost: A Space-Time Absurdity
When We Were 2 Kings
Global Forming: A Convenient Lie
Ken Ham’s “Drivel War”
Yeah Ken Ham’s also behind “Arks and Re-Creation”
The Bronze Age: The Midpoint of Geology
Old Testament grafitti artist West Banksy in “Exit Through God’s Gift Shop”
The X-tra Chromosome Files
Enrolling For Columbine Catholic Prep
Commuting With Dinosaurs
The Addams and Eve Family: The Thin Jew Line … InCest In Show
Creationists Demand Equal Time for Cosmos: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/22/creationists-airtime-cosmos-neil-degrasse-tyson_n_5009234.html
And finally tonight, in “Plugging the Dike With a Rock” news, proud and hilarious New York City lesbian Jennifer Louise Lopez – or Jello – completely baffled the bigots at ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, when she showed up to turn herself in for voluntary stoning, the proper biblical punishment for the horrible, beautiful lesbian sin she was born with.
And judging by the guy’s reaction, the only thing that saved her life that day is that Manhattan is the only place on earth that doesn’t have rocks.
At one point recently, the marquee outside the ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, read (quote) “Obama has released the homo demons on the black man. Look out black woman. A white homo may take your man.” (end quote) … Don’t think that requires any further lampooning, but if you’d like to take a stab at the reasoning behind that one, I’d love to hear …
Well, clearly the homo demons didn’t come to this dimension for caucasian sized dick.
The sign was later replaced by “Jesus would stone homos. Stoning is still the law.” So the intrepid Jello just showed up at the front door requesting her punishment, and the guy on duty got flustered because he didn’t know where they kept the stoning kit, so he told her to come back the next day. It’s like a twisted version of a Monty Python sketch. The lesbian witch shows up on fire, asking to be tied to a stake, and the dark aged morons don’t know what to do … “Pour water on her!!!” … “Put her in a straight jacket – She’ll stop being gay!!! Churches!!!”… “Hit her with very small rocks! … But tomorrow.” …
There’s video of the incident and it’s pretty fucking funny if you haven’t seen it. It wasn’t what I was looking for when I googled “Lesbian Punishment”, but it was funny.
Stoning volunteer confuses bigoted Harlem church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/20/lesbian-stoning-anti-gay-church_n_5000239.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices
And on that we’re gonna put a fork in the headlines. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
Put a spork in me – I’m done with my Famous Bowl.
And when we come back, Lucinda will be back by popular request.
Does this ever happen to you?
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Patreon (dot) com is a fantastic service that allows you to give us money easier than ever before. Signing up for as little as one dollar an episode, you can sleep comfortably, knowing that Noah won’t have to give quite so many handjobs for our bandwidth upgrade.
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A million dollars!
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Sorry, that seemed like a logical time to answer.
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That sounds too good to be true!
But it isn’t! For just one dollar per episode you get the unedited, director’s cut of every new episode and you get those episodes early. Plus you get an outlandishly over the top compliment on the next episode.
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For one dollar per episode, sure. But you can give us more than that.
That’s right Heath. And the more you give, the more you get.
That’s right Noah. If you give two dollars per episode you also get a free digital copy of our new ebook; “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, plus an autographed drawing from the first ever Illustrated “Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids”.
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You do. But that’s still not all!
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That’s sounds too good to be true.
Seriously… I don’t believe you. That’s just too good a deal.
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I guess you’ll have to check out our Patreon page and see for yourself. That’s P-A-T-R-E-O-N (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist.
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And remember, if you were a Patreon Patron, this segment would end with Heath saying “Turtle Fucker” three times in a funny voice. But if you’re not, it just ends with me saying this sentence.
Turtle fucker, turtle fucker, turtle fucker.
Babble – Esther:
Esther is the final of the “Historical” books and really doesn’t belong in the Old Testament at all. Perhaps the most controversial inclusion in the canon, it was not generally accepted as an officially licensed jew-book until after much of the New Testament was written. It makes no mention of god, the main character is a woman and it does absolutely nothing to advance the larger story arc of the book.
But it does fulfill the most basic requirement for a book of the bible; a lot of people get unnecessarily murdered for not being jews.
So joining us to discuss this tale of debauchery and blood-thirsty vengeance is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.
Glad to be here.
So what did you think of Esther?
It was weird. It’s like the biblical version of those free ebooks on SmashWords. It was a story, but who gives a shit?
Yeah, from a literary perspective it was a little better than we’ve come to expect, but that’s like being the least inflamed measle. So why don’t you start us off?
Sure. The book starts with King Ahasuerus the Debaucherous who decides to have a six month drunken banquet. At the end of the banquet he orders his wife, Queen Vashti, to come in and show his guests how smoking hot she is.
She refuses and that causes a huge scandal. Eventually he banishes her and vows to replace her with a new wife… a better wife.
Yeah Ahasue- I’m gonna call him Xerxes. So he gets together a panel of the wisest men in the land, and they all decide that allowing women to have the consent option on everyday commands is a really slippery slope. That uppity bitch has got to go!!!
So he puts together a “sexy virgin squad” to go find him all the best available pussy.
And they have a twelve month beauty regimen they all have to go through before the king will fuck them so whoever wrote this thing was clearly waiting for his wife to get ready while he did.
The king tries out all the virgins, but Esther is apparently a phenomenal fuck so he makes her queen.
And when deciding what sex toys to bring with her to please the king, she famously seeks the advice of the Neutered Gay Sex Slave that oversees the whore squad. Smart move.
But, and this is important, she doesn’t tell anybody she’s Jewish.
Then Esther’s cousin (slash) adoptive father Mordecai refuses to bow to the king so his chief ass kicker, Haman decides to kill all the jews.
Yeah, but they publicly schedule their holocaust. The king’s says, “We’re gonna kill all the jews… on the 13th of next month. After the playoffs.”
Yeah, ethnic cleansing is best done by surprise. There wasn’t anyone who anticipated that Inquisition by the Spaniards.
So Mordecai goes to his cousin (slash) adopted daughter (slash) queen and says, “little help?”
“The dude you’re banging just approved a Reich. Could you please? Maybe … with the ‘saving our chosen race’ ??? Whenever you get a minute. Not a huge deal.”
She goes to the king and he says, “Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you, even if it’s half my kingdom.” So instead of saying, “I was hoping you could not murder all the jews,” she concocts this weird plan that starts with inviting the King and Haman to a banquet before she’ll tell him what she wants. .
Yeah, because banquets in Esther are like buffets on a cruise ship. Every fucking time you turn around…
So Haman is all excited to get the exclusive invite but he’s so pissed about jews not trembling before him that he can’t enjoy it. So he orders Mordecai hanged… or impaled?
Impaled in NIV, hanged in mine and Heath’s
Yeah the dude’s got the perfect gig as the king’s number two, he’s got land, bitches, a bunch of sons, but he’s still pissed about that un-bowing Jew, so his friends have to comfort him: “You want a soda? No? You want to impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole, and the have a banquet? Ok – Let’s impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole and have a banquet.”
Chapter six was actually pretty clever.
Yeah, two good chapters in this book already…
Yeah, so the King realizes that Mordecai helped him forestall an assassination attempt and wants to honor him. So he calls Haman into his room and says, “If I really wanted to honor the shit out of somebody, what should I do?” And Haman, thinking the king is planning to honor him goes off on this long list of awesome shit that includes some of the king’s wardrobe and a horse and a parade and the whole nine. Then the king says, “Great idea! Do that for the jew that you hate.”
So they have their banquet and the king says to Esther, “So me and Haman are here like you asked, now what did you want me to do again?”
“If you were just selling us all as sex slaves, I would never have bothered you about this, but you’re talking full holocaust, so …”
Yeah she actually qualifies her request just like that, and then she says, “kill Haman instead of all the jews.” And he says, “Yeah I can do that.”
So they hang Haman on the gallows he’d set up for Mordecai in a rare biblical use of literary competence.
But they don’t exactly rescind the “kill the jews” order. Instead, they issue a “kill all the people who are killing the jews” order, because why have no violence when you could have a lot of violence.
And the Jews can plunder now. That was in the fine print of chapter 8. They officially get to plunder their enemies from now on. Good lawyering to get this shenanigans book approved for the OT.
Don’t call it that.
Then the king says, “So I killed Haman and let the jews kill all the Babylonian nazis… anything else?” And she says, “You mind hanging all of Haman’s kids, too?” And the king says, “Anything for you Lolita… I mean Esther.”
Yeah Esther became queen at 14. Why aren’t more biblical literalists banging 14-year-old virgin harem recruits? Seems to be a mitvah. Oh, because times change, and living by the literal words of that book today would be cruel and tragic?
And then they decide that they should celebrate this murderous rampage every year and call it Purim.
Puts the pussy-cookie in context, I guess.
And the book ends with Mordecai being declared the head-Jew.
And as usual, they indignantly point out that this is all in the brochure of the annals of the kings of …
This book is a real challenge to the whole notion that the bible is inerrant, but it also splooges all over the notion that it has historical or literary value as well. There was no king Ahasuerus, there was no Queen Vashti, no Queen Esther and nothing remotely like anything described in this book ever happened.
As opposed to the other books that contain shit that did happen?
Well no, but at least some of the kings existed. Anyway, that’s it for the Babble for three weeks. We’re nearing the halfway point guys…
Anyway, thanks as always.
Before we fade to music tonight I want to thank everybody who picked up a digital copy of our first book; The Scathing Atheist Presents “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, which is available on the Kindle Store or Smashwords (dot) com and should be available at e-book retailers across the interwebs by this time next week. Paperback copies are also on the way and we’re hoping to have them available by May 2nd.
Why May 2nd? Well, in case you forgot, Heath, Lucinda and I will be attending ReasonCon just outside beautiful Asheville, North Carolina that weekend. The keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, they’re also welcoming a host of other great speakers, it’s free and you still have time to adjust your plans accordingly. You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Of course I need to thank John for this week’s Farnsworth Quote (slash) Yo Mama joke. I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show, joining us for the Babble and helping a ton with the editing and formatting of the book. Obviously I need to thank Heath for doing way more than he really gets credit for.
I also need to thank Wesley and Dustin from Atheist Nomads, Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality Podcast, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Cash and Love from Atheists on Air and Mr. Q from Quranify Me; all of whom were kind enough to play an ad for our new book and deserve grandiose laudations for their altruism.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most magnificent multicellular organisms; John, Torsten, Wayne, Stephanie, Andrew, Steve, Russ, Neal and Jeff. John, whose intellect is so vast it makes the Library at Alexandria look like an airport bookstore; Torsten, who cracked me the fuck up with the note on his donation; Wayne, whose massive testicles are known to intergalactic races thanks to gravitational lensing; Stephanie, who now adds “Scathing Atheist’s First Patreon Donor” to her Herculean list of accomplishments; Andrew, whose voice is so sexy it’s been rated by the MPAA; Steve, whose penis is measured in parsecs; Russ, who could fuck Godzilla up worse than Roland Emmerich; Neal, who never would have let Darth Vader get away with talking like that about his mama; and Jeff, who can break stones with his fists and break fists with his stones.
These nine noble nonbelievers achieved archived immortality this week by giving us money, many of them by utilizing our convenient new Patreon Page. If you’d like to join their coveted ranks, you can donate to us at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and make a per episode donation that gets you all kinds of goodies; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more, including the Esther poem we didn’t have room for this week. Between now and then, check us out on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus and YouTube. If you love us as much as we love you, leave us a five star review on iTunes or wherever you like to leave podcast reviews.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
by Noah Lugeons
I swear I spent almost as much time formatting and reformatting this thing as I spent compiling it, but it’s finally 100% done. By this time next week our first publication should be available on all major ebook retailers. It’s already available on the Kindle Store or, if you’re not a Kindle person (or just want to see me get a slightly larger chunk of your money) you can buy it on SmashWords in basically any format you might want.
Even if you don’t own an e-reader or tablet and have an aversion to reading stuff on your phone, you can pick it up as a PDF and read it on your computer. So basically, if you’re reading this blog, you can be a proud owner of “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”.
I know that some people will be thinking “why would I buy a book of the diatribes that I can get for free on your archives? Or transcripts?” And that’s a great question. I took care to make sure that even our most loyal listeners would get plenty of new material in this book. More than a third of the book is never before seen (or heard) material including expanded diatribes, a brief explanation of what inspired each essay, an all new preface and afterword, essays on common themes from our diatribes and more*
If you’d like a sample of what you’ll get, click on either of the links above and you can sample the first 20% of the book online (no downloading required). And, of course, if you’d like to help boost our visibility, we encourage you to take a few minutes and leave a review on Amazon. Even if you haven’t read the book, you’ve heard the diatribes, so you already know it’s five stars worth of good.
*Table of contents, copyright page and dedication… but the Table of Contents is all interactive and shit so that counts as new material.
by Noah Lugeons
I said I’d have it available on Thursday and I missed that deadline by 32 minutes. But at 12:32 EDT on Friday, the first collection of diatribes went up on the Kindle Store.
I should note that there’s a bit of an error in the appendices which will be updated and the cover art will be updated within the next few days. As it stands, the cover of the book looks an awful lot like a pack of cigarettes and we can’t have that. But the important thing is that the words are all there, they’re all in order and they’re spelled correctly.
You can find the book by clicking here. At the moment it’s exclusively available on the Kindle Store, but we should have it available in all the fine e-book retail locations shortly.
It’s worth pointing out that more than a third of the 247 page book is all new material. The first fifty diatribes are there, each of them with a brief introduction, and many of them have been greatly expanded since there was no longer a need to fit them into an allotted time. If you’d like to get a feel for what you’re going to get, you can “Look Inside” from the Amazon page and read the introduction and the first chapter.
I should also point out that if you’ve listened to a significant number of the first 50 episodes, in my opinion you’re qualified to leave us a glowing review on the Kindle Store as well.
by Noah Lugeons and Heath Enwright
(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out to fill the time allotted)
Warning: This podcast contains adult language, and you better not tell. And if you do, I will rip the heads off of all your stuffed animals. I swear to god, I will!
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Muslim outreach program, “Million Man March Madness”. Fill out your brackets and predict which faith will reign supreme in the coming Muslim inspired global religious war and you could win six dozen virgins of your choice.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s March 20th!
And I’m not a breast man, or an ass man … as much as a throat man.
I’m Noah Lugeons
And I’m Heath Enwright and from “Oral Sexy” New York, New York
And “Moral Sexy” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode,
We learn that explosions above 110th street in Manhattan don’t count as terrorism,
We’ll find a Jewish holiday that doesn’t suck,
And Noah will fuck up the George Hrab interview.
But first, the diatribe…
It seems like me and Russell Crowe’s mom are the only people on the planet looking forward to the new Noah’s Ark movie. And no, it’s not because they named the movie after me.
Look, this is Darren Aronofsky here. We’re talking about a guy whose movies to this point have been about a mathematician, an old lady on diet pills, a grieving biologist, a professional wrestler and a ballerina. And all of them have been epic. I’m guessing he can do something with a antediluvian zookeeper, too.
But clearly I’m in the minority and it seems like hating this movie is one of the few things that religious people and atheists can do together. Everybody seems to have a reason, and the atheist reason is the least stupid, but it’s still stupid.
Christians are mad because the movie isn’t “historically accurate”. I haven’t seen it yet (and neither have they), but if you’re keeping up with the buzz, clearly Aronofsky’s taking plenty of artistic license with the story. I mean… he kind of has to, since the Bible devotes about 2000 words to the Noah story. You can read the whole thing out loud in six minutes. If he’d stayed true to the bible it would’ve been less of a feature film and more of a Vine.
Muslims are pissed about it because Noah’s a prophet and you’re not supposed to depict a prophet because they want to avoid the whole “fuckable Jesus” thing that Son of God touched off. And I should say that I’m being damn liberal with my description of what’s pissing the Muslims off here; since I could just as easily have said, “Muslims are pissed off about it because it’s a thing and they’re Muslims.”
Jews haven’t come out against the movie yet, but as Bill Maher points out, they will when they see the Box Office returns.
So what about atheists? Well, from what I can gather, a bunch of us are pissed off because it’s a movie about Noah’s Ark. I’ve gotten messages from a number of our listeners lamenting the release of this film as yet another hyper-religious cinematic debacle on par with “Passion of Christ”, “Son of God” or “Man of Steel”. “Do we need yet another big-budget, CGI enhanced sermon on the silver screen?”
I’ve surprised a lot of those listeners by telling them that I’ll be watching it on opening night… though I’ll probably have to drive out of town to see it. I’m fired up to see what a brilliant director with a stellar cast and a giant vat of money can do with this fairy tale. And I’m no more bothered by the religiosity of this movie than I am with the religiosity of Wrath of the Titans. Biblical stories should be fable-fodder for film makers.
Look, I have issues with the Judeo-Christian religions, but their mythology is cool. When we can look at Jesus and Satan the same way we look at Odin and Chronos, we’re done. We win. Pop the champagne. And I look at this movie as a step in that direction.
Clearly we’re not there. The fact that Paramount caved to the demands of the blithering Christies and added a disclaimer to the movie against Aronofsky’s will pisses me off to no end. There was no disclaimer apologizing to vikings for the historical inaccuracies in “Thor: The Dark World” and Jesus doesn’t deserve any better.
But when I hear atheists denounce this movie for its religiosity, that strikes me as petty. There might be plenty of great reasons to denounce this flick and I fear I’ll know what they are on March 29th, but Darren Aronofsky, in addition to being one the most visionary directors in a generation, is an atheist. He didn’t make this movie to preach the gospel.
In fact, knowing his penchant for dark, disturbing stories, I’m willing to bet that he made this movie because the source material is the most diabolical story known to humanity.
But I’ve got a guess here, and this is pure speculation so take it with a grain of salt, but I don’t think any Christians are really getting pissed about the (airquote) historical inaccuracies. I think they’ll be okay with the fiery sword and the flaming angels and stuff. What’s really gonna rile them up are the accuracies. If you think about all the horror, destruction and waterlogged corpses that make up the flood myth, this thing could make Requiem for a Dream look like a Disney Movie with an ass to ass dildo scene.
Joining me for headlines tonight is “no longer suspected of racism” Heath Enwright. Heath, how do you feel?
I love black people!!!
Must I now show you the money?
Podcasting is all about the Georges and Abes. In our lead story tonight, from the “Mysterious Ways” file, God fire-bombed an East Harlem church, killing eight people (including five parishioners), yet local Christians remain faithful, because they found an old bible in the rubble. Several Kindle copies were also recovered. So luckily, the rare information isn’t lost forever.
Yeah, New York god does that shit. He’s like, “Yeah, whadda ya gonna do? Three thousand souls in a terrorist attack? Sorry about that, but did you notice the little cross I made in the wreckage?” So I’m just saying there’s precedent.
Let’s ignore – for the moment – the fact that religious people exhibit the psychoses of domestic abuse victims … I won’t even mention that … Instead, let’s try to figure out what it means that several large, glass dildos were also found in the wreckage, completely intact. Could this be evidence that a second coming is imminent?!? Finish times are near???
God kills 8 in NYC explosion, saves bible: http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/uptown/decades-old-bible-east-harlem-church-survives-blast-article-1.1723125
And in “Edited to fill the Space Time Odyssey Allotted” news, an Oklahoma Fox affiliate is facing criticism over some impromptu local editing to the Cosmos remake. In episode one of the new series, my second favorite living astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson took a minute to talk about evolution, but you wouldn’t know it if you were watching KOKH Fox 25, as the station chose to accidentally interrupt this moment of the show with a promo for a news story about a professional redneck killing things with a bow.
How do you censor a science program about evolution?!? Blur out the beaks of the finches?!?
Oklahoma viewers say the second episode, which was all about evolution, was free of interruption, though many of them criticized the show for spending too little time on biological diversity and too much time on Shirley Temple hanging out with her curmudgeonly grandfather in the Swiss Alps.
OK Fox affiliate cuts references to evolution from Cosmos Broadcast: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/13/oklahoma-station-cut-cosmos-evolution-video_n_4958024.html?&ir=Religion&ncid=tweetlnkushpmg00000055
And in “Allah Carte Only” news, Saudi cleric Saleh al-Fawzan figured out why Muslims kept going to hell, so he declared a fatwa banning all-you-can-eat buffets. Basically, everything that happens in Vegas … is illegal in Riyadh. And it’s the gambling – not the gluttony – that makes the buffet unkosher. Essentially, the restaurant is betting against the Cool Hand Luke-ability of each patron to eat crazy amounts of buffet food, like – for example – fifty hard-boiled eggs.
I can think of plenty of good reasons to avoid buffets, but the sinful failure to itemize the expenditure doesn’t make my list. Must be nice to live in a country that has all the real problems fixed so they can focus on meaningless bullshit.
Right, it’s not like they’ll be a completely useless desert in 50 years. Anyway, according to Musa Furber – another Muslim scholar who also possesses fatwa powers: (quote) “The Sheikh’s reasoning is that the value and quantity of what is sold should be pre-determined before it is purchased.” (end quote) … But that’s stupid, because “all-you-can-eat” is a pre-determined amount. And … That’s an impossible standard for everyone, not just buffets. How many dead crabs in each bowl of bisque? What’s the milligram weight of a parsley dusting? How many salt grains on a margarita glass?
38,606. Not sure on the parsley or the crabs, though.
One more question … When Saudi royalty hijacks the entire national oil industry to pay for their shitty sober yacht parties … And then makes billions on top of that from sales and trading in the oil market … And then tricks its citizens into being okay with not sharing the enormous profits by running a brain-crushing theocracy … Is that what the Koran intended in their commerce clause?
Saudi cleric declared anti-buffet Fatwa: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/15/buffet-ban-fatwa-saudi-cleric_n_4971190.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And in “Sub-Zero Wins” news tonight, the followers of Indian Guru Ashutosh Maharaj insist that their leader is in deep meditation despite the fact that he’s both dead and frozen solid. Despite medical confirmation of his death, his followers insist that he’s in a deep form of meditation that traditionally begins with three deep breaths and a massive coronary.
Well these men are nihilists, which is exhausting. Death? Infinite Ice Nap? Are we splitting hairs?
It’s worth noting that there’s probably more to this than stupidity. Apparently there have been accusations that the followers are claiming he’s still alive in an effort to maintain control of property owned by the guru. Which is exactly the plot of Weekend at Bernie’s.
But these guys really thought it out pretty well. If the dead guy just has to sit still inside an ice block and meditate, they don’t have to pull off all the whacky dancing antics. Bad movie, but a good con. It’s like an awful David Blaine trick as an entire movie. It’s a David Blaine show.
Followers insist their dead, frozen guru is “just meditating”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/14/dead-frozen-indian-guru-ashutosh-maharaj-is-just-meditating-followers-insist/
And in “Hanukkah of St. Patrick’s Day” news, Israelis get wasted for Purim, so the National Police carried out raids on kiosks, clubs, and parks last Saturday, to prevent the illegal sale of drugs and alcohol to all the young partygoers that somehow have vices, despite god.
And those Hassidic stoners are hard core. Have you ever seen kosher cocaine? Plus they can’t use fire on the Sabbath so they have to mainline most of their shit. And their needles are curly.
Coincidentally, this holiday finds its Biblical origin in the book of Esther, and it’s therefore a mitzvah to read Esther this time of year. So like it or not, Yahweh owes us one mitvah credit, because we’ll be talking about that very book on next week’s Holy Babble. I’m hoping to save up mitzvah credits, and redeem them for the giant stuffed Moses.
If we pool ours together we might be able to get a plague of locusts… which would be awesome at a revival.
According to a genuine Jewish person, who learned this from a Rabbi … Another part of Purim tradition – beyond drunken debauchery – involves eating a vagina-inpsired cookie called hamentashen. I’m a feminist … Let’s roll with it …
30 seconds on the clock for “Genital-Inspired Holidays and Their Related Foods”
The… what? Alright, that’s hard… you go first.
Yeah it’s a weird one … The hamentashen works better as a tradition for Gash Wednesday …
PuRim Jobs, on the other hand, call for Felch’s Grape Jelly.
Tits-mas – Milk and coochies.
All Taints Day – Drizzlings of Warm Papal Syrup
St. Fat Dick’s Day – No food, of course; but the traditional drinks would be Cocke’s Single Malt or maybe a Pud-weiser.
Yanksgiving – Cans Full of Manberry Sauce
Which immediately precedes Hairy Palm Sunday – Jerked Chicken
Swalloween – And the tradition would be Twizzlers as a felching straw? Jizzlers. (…)
How about the Jewish celebration of Ass-over where they Harvest Pudding from Matzo Balls?
Twinko De Mayo – Cream Filled Hostesses
Vaginese New Year – Twat and Sour Soup
Girth Day – Gapin’ Egg and Cheese
Rama-dangly Bits – But there’s no food because you’re not supposed to swallow.
Israeli police raid drug and alcohol kiosks to curtail Purim partying: http://www.jpost.com/National-News/Police-mark-Purim-with-kiosk-drug-and-youth-drinking-raids-345522
And on that fatwa bait, we’ll close out the headlines for tonight. Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back, George Hrab will cause me to go all unwittingly fanboy.
Before we blow out the candles tonight I wanted to issue two apologies and a correction. A few weeks ago I declared Dave our most generous donor of all time without realizing that David also donated on the same week which led to a bit of confusion, especially after I played a Farnsworth quote from David who mistakenly thought he was our most generous donor of all time. So I want to apologize to both Dave and David for all the confusion. I also want to apologize to everyone for the confusing apology.
I also wanted to update everyone on the status of the diatribe book. It should still be available on the day this episode is released, though it might not be available until late in the day. It’ll be on e-book retailers across the interwebs and we’ll have all the info on how to purchase your copy on the website so keep up with us there or look for it online “The Scathing Atheist Presents: Diatribes, Volume One; 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”
Also, if you don’t subscribe to our YouTube channel you’re missing out. We just posted the first illustrated version of Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids, complete with animated ass-hamster so I strongly encourage you to check us out there. You can find a link on the shownotes to this episode, on our Facebook page, on our Twitter timeline and, of course, our YouTube channel.
Wanna wish a happy birthday to friend of the show Wesley from the Atheist Nomads podcast, who has grown quite adept at orbiting the sun over the years. Happy birthday bro, here’s to many more.
Of course I have to thank Heath for his Occam’s Razor sharp wit, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show and I need to toss out one more big thanks to the funkiest caucasian from the Caucasus, George Hrab. Once again, you’ll find links to his music, his podcast and more on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Also need to thank Tanner Campbell of the No God Cast Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote. He’s doing some really innovative stuff with fundraisers, secular partnerships and community building so I’d strongly encourage you to check out his show, which you’ll also find linked on the shownotes for this episode.
But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s best people; Tim, Wesley, April, Kenny, Howard, Steve, David, Shelby, Vinne, Geoff, Cliff, Liam, Jeffrey and Aiden. Tim and Wesley, whose erections are measured on the Mohs Scale; April and Kenny, whose very proximity is considered a performance enhancing drug; Howard and Steve, who kill up to 99.9% of harmful bacteria on contact; David and Shelby, who are so intriguing Waldo looks for them; Vinnie and Geoff, whose orgasms register on seismometers; Cliff and Liam, whose swordsmanship continue to keep the interdimensional invaders at bay; and Jeffrey and Aiden, who are so sexy the very mention of their surnames just made 8% of our audience come.
These fourteen noble and valiant souls have earned their way into both my heart and my outro this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the combination of generosity, sophistication and raw sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you have what it takes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
A number of people have also contacted us to see if they can support us through Patreon (dot) com. We’re setting up an account there this week so we’ll have more details on episode 58, along with more details on where and how you can buy the book.