Home > Show Transcripts > Episode 39: Partial Transcript

Episode 39: Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Warning: The explicit language used in this show has been known to cause incontinence.  Will you shit yourself?  Depends.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by…

Schindler’s Listerine Pocket Size Kosher Mouthwash . . .

Did the Holocaust leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Did a pedophile rabbi leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Did Jewish cuisine leave a bad taste in your mouth?

You’ve got diasporas, pilgrimmages, J-Dates, pogroms … You can’t be carrying around big clumsy bottles.

For Jews on the go: Never forget . . . your bottle of Schindler’s Listerine.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s November 14th,

And the date-rapist mustache is a weird choice for prostate cancer awareness.  

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from home of the nation’s tallest phallic structure, New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Christians build an enormous airplane, to carry a smaller airplane full of bibles to Korea.

  • We’ll say “put 30 seconds on the clock” and then do 53 seconds worth of shit,

  • And due to sheer volume, disgraced clergy are no longer considered ironic.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

I know I shouldn’t but sometimes I feel sorry for the theists that argue with me… or any well read atheist for that matter.  Jeremey Bien from Reasonable Doubts offered up a great analogy once.  He said that if you want to know what it feels like to be the theist in a religious debate, go find a well read vegan and argue with them about eating meat.  The facts are all on their side, they’ll beat you in the argument, you’ll eventually realize that you’re wrong and then you’ll go home and have a burger.

I always try to keep that in mind when I reach that point in a debate where my opponent is clearly intentionally misunderstanding me.  If you’ve taken part in any of these debates, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  It’s the point where you actually see the wall come down and that fearful glaze appears and quickly disappears in their eyes and they mentally erase the point you just made and come back with, “But Jesus said Jesus Jesus!”

This reaction leads a lot of atheists to believe that there’s just no point in arguing with Christians.  You never win, right?  Well, if by “win” you mean that you actually get to watch them lose their faith in god and and admit that they were wrong, yeah, you never win.  But if you define “winning” as forcing them into the “Jesus said Jesus Jesus” phase of the argument, you never lose.

Greta Christina gives a great talk where she addresses this perceived futility.  She starts off by reminding everybody how pointless it is to debate with religious people.  They never listen, right?  And then she asks for a show of hands from everybody who was “reasoned” out of their faith.  And at least half the hands in the room go up.

When we debate, we’re planting seeds and it doesn’t matter that we never get to pick the fruits.  The seeds are there and if there’s one thing a religious brain has plenty of, it’s fertilizer.

I only point this out because it’s easy to miss the impact that we’re having.  Those of us with devangelical bent can look at our day to day success rate and get really depressed.  But if we take a long view, it’s damn encouraging.

We’ve talked plenty on this show about the statistical spike in atheism and that’s obviously the most important metric in this discussion so clearly we as a community are doing something right, but you don’t need pollsters and statisticians to see the difference we’re making.  If you want to know how far we’ve come, just look at the way the debate itself has evolved.

A hundred years ago people were still offering up positive examples in their argument for god.  They would point to things in the world and say, “therefore god”.  But as evolution, genetics, cosmology and physics have come into clearer focus, those arguments have been relegated to circle-jerks of stupidity.  The learned theists abandoned those positive examples and shifted to negative examples.  Instead of offering a case for god, they piss away their intellectual efforts poking holes in the alternatives.

Think about what a massive step backwards that really is.  You’ve gone from trying to prove that your god exists to trying to prove that the guy who says your god doesn’t exist is wrong on a topic that is only tangentially related.  Instead of “the human eye is awesome, therefore god” it’s become “the human eye could be less awesome, therefore possibly not un-god.”

Now, I don’t have to point out that if evolution were somehow proved to be incorrect, god doesn’t win by default.  If somehow it were proved that there’s no absolute secular moral standard that prohibits murder, god doesn’t somehow get promoted.  But the theists act like god is some kind of beauty pageant runner up or something.  Like he’s the vice-answer that gets to step in and take over if the real answer is ever unable to fulfill its duties.

And what’s worse is that they know that’s incorrect.  Sure, there are some ignorant jackasses defending Jesus that don’t recognize concepts like false-dichotomy, but there are plenty of damn smart theists arguing for god and they know good and damn well that knocking down evolution would really be step negative 26 toward proving god, but they still feel compelled to do it.  They know that before they can even get to their pathetic proofs they have to dig all that science and logic out of your brain to make room for Jesus.

Hell, I’m sure you’re as sick of hearing religiots saying “atheism is just another religion” as I am, but if you set aside how ridiculously wrong that is for a second you can’t help but admire what a huge win this is for us.  If their best argument is a false analogy that desperately hopes to prove that we suck as bad as they do, we’re clearly winning.

Every argument counts.  Every debate matters.  Every chip off that stone adds up.  Never lose sight of this important fact; everybody who has ever given up their faith, everybody who has ever set aside the prison of superstition and embraced reality did so because of one point; one question; one analogy  Sure, other people may have stacked a lot of hay on that camel before, but every time you put another straw on there, know that it might be the last one.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines is “guy who sounds like Randall from Clerks”, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to wrangle out the door for everyone?

There I go, and I am a bersker.  And speaking of Jersey, congrats to the Red Bank Humanists, who put up an atheist billboard that hasn’t been righteously vandalized yet.  

Give them time…

In our lead story tonight, Hasidic rabbis are estimated to body rape about 50 percent of the young boys they are divinely tasked with mind raping.  Victim activist – Rabbi Nuchem Rosenberg – believes (quote) “around half of young males in Brooklyn, New York’s Hasidic community [...] have been victims of sexual assault perpetrated by their elders.” (rear end quote) Ben Hirsch, director of victim advocacy group Survivors For Justice, suggests the number to be EVEN WORSE!!!

I’ve been saying it for years.  Why do you think they make the boys grow their hair out like that?  Fuckin’ rape handles.

These numbers are only estimates, admittedly based on anecdotal evidence, so let’s say these experts are WAY OFF this time.  Give them a terrible margin of error: say 60 percent (or 30 percentage points) . . . That means as many as 80 percent of young boys were sexually abused!!!  With a floor of 20 percent!!!  In this extremely generous expert mistake scenario, a minimum of ONE IN FIVE young boys gets raped!!!

Yeah, but I’m sure there was some kind of rape four, get the fifth one free going on.

When asked about how these numbers stack up against Catholics, I imagine one Hasidic Jewish victim responded: (quote) “Altar boy?  I should be so lucky.  Over there, they roll dice, so you only lose one in six.  Here they just flip a coin.” (end quote)  This was confirmed by one boldly honest hypothetical rabbi: (quote) “How do we decide who to rape and how?  We flip a shekel.  Heads and tails should be self-explanatory.” (rear end quote)

Yeah, the bell curve keeps skewing the Catholic’s way.  I swear, Pope Franks for Nothin’ gives a few more handjobs to people with boils on the Twitter and the secular community might just forget all about the institutionalized child rape thing.

As a reward for whistle blowing all the whistle blowing, Rabbi Rosenberg has been shunned by the Hasidic community and attacked with bleach.  Muslims throw acid, Jews throw strong base.  They really are the Yankees and Red Sox of monotheism.  Before we wrap up this wonderful story, I’d like to applaud us for omitting the graphic details of the pedophilia witnessed in 2005 by Rabbi Rosenberg in Jerusalem’s holiest bath house.  At least atheists call a brothel a brothel.    

Hasidic rabbis rape about half the available little boys: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/13/can-this-number-be-credible-jewish-anti-abuse-activists-say-half-of-hasidic-boys-are-raped-by-elders/

And in “Turn the Other Cheek my Ass” news tonight, Texas congressmen Sam Johnson is livid over an infringement on his freedom to tell other people what to do.  The cataclysmic affront to American values began early last month when the Air Force Academy chose to make the “under god” portion of it’s service oath optional.

What’s his complaint exactly? . . .  The earth science section of the bible puts god at 30,000 feet.  They routinely fly above that altitude.

Coupling his outrage over the service-oath adjustment with the ever-present fury over being named after a cock and bearing a striking resemblance to the pedophile character in Family Guy, Johnson lashed out with a proposed bill that would require congressional approval before any changes could be made to the administration of the uniformed service oath.

What the fuck?!?  Nobody’s suggesting radical, overtly atheist language anywhere.  This is the mildest change ever, and he’s complaining.  All that’s happening, is we’re no longer specifying the thing under which we are.  We’re not even saying whether that thing is or isn’t.  We’re just not addressing the prepositional concept of “under”.  So we’ve offensively ignored the ever-latent above/below duality in the oath?!?  Really?!?    

I’m guessing his justification won’t placate you much.  He said that (quote) “There are no atheists in foxholes.  We are the land of the free because of the brave” (end quote).  So setting aside the brazen douche-baggery it takes to act like brave and atheist are mutually exclusive, I think it’s important to note that this move was made to accommodate atheists in the military.  If, as Representative Circumcised Salami claims, there are no atheists in the military, what is he so pissed off about?

Airforce makes “Under God” pledge optional, Texas congressman is livid: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/09/texas-congressman-is-on-the-warpath-to-make-atheist-military-cadets-swear-an-oath-containing-so-help-me-god/

In “Darwin Awards Talent Search” news, Tennessee pastor and aspiring Indiana Jones villain – Andrew Hamblin – vows to continue handing deadly serpents to local stupid people, despite a raid by wildlife authorities that emptied his Temple-of-Doom-style snake pit.  

Sorry, but my inner-geek has to point out that in Temple of Doom it was bugs, not snakes.  The snakes were in the first one.

Indiana Jones minutia notwithstanding, the atheist community is buzzing, as we may have finally discovered a stupid thing caused by dogmatic adherence to wrongness books.          

See, I think you might be letting your personal biases color your appraisal of this situation.  After all, who are you to say that giving deadly serpents to inbred Christians is a bad thing.  I mean, we all agree that genocide is a bad thing when it isn’t voluntary, but this is new ground on the moral landscape here.

The level of stupidity does make it tricky.  Hamblin was asked: (quote) “Using the word ‘snakes’ three times, and a dumb redneck speech pattern, please tell us your opinion on the raid.”  He responded (quote) “It doesn’t bother me that they took the snakes, because I can always get more snakes. There can always be more snakes that can be found.”

Someone yelled “Not enough dumb redneck speech pattern!” . . .

At which point Hamblin added, “And that don’t deter me . . . [Go wait in the truck!]“

I’m disappointed.  I was hoping for him to put up more of a fight.  Something like, “You can have my snakes when you pry them from my cold, necrotic stumps.”

When asked for a final quote that betrays his untenable stance, accidentally making the atheist point for us, he said: (quote) “What bothers me is that this is not a place of business.  This is not a home.  Had this been a home or a business, yes, raid it.  But this is a church.  This is a place of worship.” (end quote)  We pray here.  This is GOD’S stash of heroin and dirty bombs.  This is GOD’S frenzied pack of herpetic wolverines.

Knoxville Preacher busted with illegal snakes: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/08/tennessee-wildlife-resources-agency-has-had-it-with-these-mothering-snakes-in-this-mothering-church/

And in part two of our weekly denigration of Texas tonight, polyamorous pastor Doug Phillips has stepped down as the head of the Texas-based “Vision Forum Ministries” after admitting to an extramarital platonic affair.  That’s right, when faced with overwhelming evidence that the married father of eight was fuckin’ the baby sitter, he admitted to having an inappropriate, but not sexual relationship.  I shit you not, (quote) “While we did not ‘know’ each other in a Biblical sense, [the relationship] was nevertheless inappropriately romantic and affectionate”

  • Worst clergy excuse since: “There’s nothing about the neighbor’s husband.”

  • “I didn’t know her BIBLICALLY because we did it Muslim style.  I knew her Kor-Anally.”  

  • “There might be some creationism in her uterus, but it’s not mine.  It’s one of God’s children.  My DNA test was immaculate.”

  • “I didn’t know her BIBLICALLY, but I poked my nose between her pages a little, if you know what I’m sayin’.”  

Phillips is an outspoken proponent of male “dominion” over women and preaches a notoriously sexist, arrogant and antiquated view of marriage.  Needless to say. news of his adultery left his congregants expressing shock that there were multiple women that would fuck him.

Well the baby sitter didn’t fuck him.  At most, she gave him a “know job”.  She knew him like a mohel knows a bloody, mutilated, infant penis.

While Phillips has stepped down as the public face of the for-profit ministry, he still maintains ownership and control in every way that matters.  He’s cancelled all his speaking engagements for the foreseeable future and intends to spend his time, (quote), “focusing on counting the 3 million dollars a year I rake in telling women to go make me a sandwich, motherfuckers!!!”

Patriarchy priest resigns because of extramarital affair: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/11/06/homeschooling-leader-doug-phillips-resigns-amidst-extramarital-relationship-keeps-business/

And in “Felix and Oscars” news, the coveted homophobic “Bigot of the Year” at the Stonewall Awards goes to Pat Robertson, for being the person who most “gratuitously caused hurt and offense to gay people” over the last twelve months of the hate season.  

In our wildest dreams, we’ll never be as powerful a force for atheism as that frothing lunatic.

Seems to me like Robertson is the Meryl Streep of the Stonewall Awards, and deserves more of a lifetime achievement presentation.  But they couldn’t fit all that queer-hate into a single video montage, so they had to settle on highlights from this year only.  

And keep in mind that he’s a multi-instrumentalist in the bigotry orchestra.  He managed to squeeze award winning amounts of queer-hatin’ in while still hating atheists, Muslims, jews, actors, blacks, latinos, asians, Ukrainians… that guy is a machine.

So if you’re wondering how to gratuitously hurt and offend gays, here’s a few examples from a positive role model.  Start by comparing transgender people as a group, to your castrated horse.  Evidently, they hate that.  Then maybe suggest that laws against anti-gay discrimination are unconsitutional because Christians could go to jail.  Follow this up by pointing out that gays are just straight people who (quote) “had the god fucked out of them.”  Then round out your homophobic rant by asking for a “vomit button” for disliking gay shit on Facebook.  And finally close it with a line about the secret “GAIDS Handshake” dirty needle rings.

Pat Robertson wins “Bigot of the Year” award: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/08/pat-robertson-bigot-of-the-year_n_4240117.html

And in “What, no Manna?” news tonight, American pastor Eric Foley became the latest in a long and proud line of Christian missionaries who have gone to great lengths and expense to give bibles to starving people.

“I’m about to die of malnutrition, so thanks for this . . . I’d wipe my ass with the pages, but I don’t shit, because I don’t eat, so . . . I guess it’ll be nice to have something unreadable to look at until I die tomorrow.  You’re sure this is gonna work?  I skim the first and last sentence of each chapter, and I’ll be able to BS my way into heaven?  Apparently St. Peter is a shitty middle school English teacher.”

This latest misguided attempt at a high-fiber diet took place along the border of North Korea, where Christian mission group and sad attempt at cleverness “Seoul USA” has been surreptitiously dropping balloon-loads of bibles on the malnourished populace of one of the world’s most oppressive governments for months.

I’ve got a suggestion for where those bullshit-smugglers can put the balloons full of bibles.  Clergy experiment with “religion via suppository” all the time.  Doesn’t usually get them in trouble.  

When asked why they chose to sneak bibles into the country instead of useful stuff like food, medicine or anything other than a bible, Reverend Foley chewed on his cellphone or barked or something because you’d have to be a drooling fucking retard not to realize what an insultingly stupid waste of resources this is.

Korean Bible Drop: http://www.foxnews.com/world/2013/11/08/bible-drop-christian-group-takes-to-sky-to-sneak-gospel-into-north-korea/

And from the expansive “Christian Forcing Captive Kids to Do Stuff” file, school bus driver, Minnesota pastor, and asshole with roman numerals after his name – George Nathaniel EyeEyeEye – was fired from his more gainful employment for refusing to stop evangelizing to public school children stuck in his prayer bus.

That’s gotta make it damn hard to maintain the “back and forth jostling bus stiffy”.

After complaints of unsolicited religious advances, he was assigned to a different group of children, much like a disgraced priest.  Finally, after failing to heed repeated warnings to stop violating district policy and the First Amendment, EyeEyeEye was terminated.  The district of Burnsville will have to quickly find someone qualified to … silently drive a bus.

Okay, question one; the wheels on the bus go round and… what?  Okay good.  Question two; it is acceptable to theologically brain rape the kids (a) occasionally or (b) never?

This week’s set of headlines seem to have established a theme of mental rape more than usual, so I guess I’ll roll with it . . . Put in the worst possible words, kids do need to be brain raped to some extent.  Gotta learn.  But let’s keep it to a minimum.  Maybe just true things, if we’re making a rule about minimizing the brain rape.

Bus driver refuses to stop praying to captive children, gets fired: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/07/praying-bus-driver-fired_n_4234315.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And finally tonight, in part three of our weekly denigration of Texas, Pastor Phillip Heinze of the Calvary Lutheran Church in Fort Worth has learned that raping people’s brains is a lot like raping people’s assholes… it helps if they’re drunk.  This inspiration led him to start an outreach program called, “Church-in-a-pub”.

Fort Worth WalMart is installing a pub?  Texans can finally get drunk, buy guns, hate queers, and love Jesus, all under one roof.  Used to be two roofs.  

Firmly supplanting karaoke as the most annoying thing in a bar, the unconventional location for the ministry helps spread the word of Jesus to the segment of society most likely to be dealing with perpetually damaged brain cells while simultaneously sparing the congregation the expense of rent.

So at the risk of overplaying this bit, 30 seconds on the clock, Jesus themed booze:

Killed By Jews Booze . . . Gotta explain something here.  The reason we go after the Jews so much is primarily because “Jew” is a single syllable that works easily into puns.  It’s nothing personal except when it is.  Anyway. . . Holy Spirits – Game On! . . .

Jesus of Nazar-Ethanol

One Samuel Adams?

Glenn Beck’s?  No, fuck him . . . King James-eson?

Burning Busch

Remy Martin Luther . . . Origin and Tonic

Absolution Vodka

Well he probably didn’t like Rusty Nails . . . Screwdriver Up Against the Cross With a Twist?

Fort Worth congregation starts “Church-in-a-pub”: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/12/texas-church-attracts-new-followers-with-beer/

And on that long list of reasons to take a quick break from recording, we’ll wrap the headlines.  Heath, thanks for your biting wit and insight.

And when we come back, we’ll be drunker.

Skit:

Mark: C’mon in guys.

Matthew: Sup Mark?

Mark: Nothin’ much.  Appreciate you guys coming out.  Is um… where’s John?

Luke: He had a date.

Mark: A date?

Matthew: Yeah… he said he would just copy off our notes later.

Mark: Really?  I mean, we’re transcribing the life of god’s only begotten son.  Pretty important that he… you know, show up.

Luke: You got any beers?

Mark: No, Luke, this is serious stuff.  I figured we would stay sober for it.

Luke: (mockingly) I figured we’d stay sober…

Mark: So go ahead and grab a quill and some parchment there.  I figured we could just jot down a few notes before we got started.

Matthew: What notes?  We were all there.  Can’t we just tell the story the way we saw it?

Mark: Sure, Luke, that’s the plan, but this is possibly the most important story ever recorded.  It’s vital that we present a unified account of the events.  You know, for posterity.

Matthew: Sure, why not?

Mark: Okay, so let’s start with Jesus’s birth.  Jesus was born in Nazareth…

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously):  Bethlehem.  Galilee.

Mark: What?

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously):  Bethlehem.  Galilee.

Mark: No, Nazareth.

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously):  No, Bethlehem.  No, Galilee

Mark: His last name is “Of Nazareth”.

Luke: Yeah, but they moved to Nazareth later.  He was born in Bethlehem.

Matthew: In a manger.

Mark: What?

Matthew: Yeah, because of the census.

Mark: What census?

Luke: Oooh… and his mom was a virgin.

Matthew: Nice.

Mark: Guys, that doesn’t even make sense.  Look, we need to take this seriously.

Luke: Oh, and check this out; how about three wise men showed up when he was born and crowned him the king of earth while he was still a baby.

Matthew: I don’t know about all that, but I like the virgin birth bit.

Mark: But that didn’t happen!  Guys, I think it’s important that we don’t exaggerate.

Luke: Who’s exaggerating?  If he hadn’t been crowned king, how else would he have escaped king Herod’s order to execute all the children under two years of age.

Mark: The what?

Matthew: And he had laser vision!

Mark: No laser vision.

Matthew: Aw, c’mon…

Mark: Look, I’m writing down Nazareth.  Jesus was born in Nazareth.

Luke: Fine.  I’m writing down he was born in Bethlehem to a virgin during a Roman census under the threat of Herod’s infanticidal dictum.

Matthew: And I’m giving him laser vision.

Mark: No laser vision!

Matthew: No beer, no laser vision… you suck, Mark.

Mark: You know what, let’s just… let’s just put the birth stuff on the back burner for a minute.  I mean, this story is more about his death than his birth anyway, right?

Luke: Couldn’t agree more.

Mark: So we do all agree that he was crucified, right?

Luke: Of course.

Mark: So they stick him on the cross, he cries out for god and then he dies.

Luke: Right.

Matthew: I think it would be better if… and just hear me out on this one, but wouldn’t it be better if he forgave his killers?  And then reassured the good thief and then like… offered himself up to god.  That would be way cooler.

Mark: Yeah, maybe, but that’s not how it happened.

Matthew: Well, maybe that’s how I remember it.

Mark: Guys, this is getting out of hand here.  Jesus gets crucified, he cries out to god and he dies.  They stick him in the tomb.

Luke: Right.  And then his mom and his lady friend went back to the tomb…

Mark: …wasn’t Salome there as well?

Matthew: …and Joanna.

Mark: And when they get there, they find…

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously): Two men in dazzling apparel The angel of the lord

Mark: See, this is what I’m talking about.  It was a dude in a white robe.  It ends with them finding the empty tomb and a dude in a white robe.  The end, roll credits.

Matthew: Well, what about when he came back to life?

Mark: When he what!?

Matthew: Yeah, he appeared in a room in Jerusalem…

Luke: …a mountain in Galilee you mean…

Matthew: …to his disciples…

Luke: …and everybody else…

Matthew: …and he assured them that he would come again.

Luke: …and he had an army of zombies.

Mark: Guys, this just happened.  If you we write that he had an army of zombies and laser vision everybody’s gonna know you’re full of shit.

Matthew: Okay fine, no laser vision.

Luke: But we’re keeping the zombies.

Mark: We’re not keeping the zombies.

Luke: In my gospel, there’s gonna be zombies.

Mark: What do you mean your gospel?  There’s just gonna be one gospel.

Luke:  I thought we’d each write our own.

Yeah, that sounds way better.

Mark: Well… fine, but we at least have to get the details right, then.  I mean, how can we each throw out a gospel that tells a different story about the guy?  Who would ever believe that?

Luke: You’d be surprised.

Outro

Before we lick the plate tonight I wanted to thank everybody who checked out our CafePress site at CafePress (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and picked up some of the fine logoed merchandise there.  I’m sure a lot of little faces are gonna be really happy when they unwrap that Scathing Atheist logo beer stein on Christmas morning.

I also wanted to let everyone who hasn’t checked out the site know that we have a special going on Scathing Atheist Christmas Tree ornaments so if you have one of those trees at the local mall that let’s people put up their own ornaments or anything, it’s six dollars and sixty-six cents well spent.  Also a great one to sneak onto grandma’s tree to get an awkward conversation started.

Also need to thank John and JD from the Rational Talk podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  They’re podcast is a new one, but it’s fun, it’s raunchy and it’s got a lot of promise; definitely one worth checking out.  The name makes it hard to Google so be sure to check the shownotes on this week’s episode for a link or check them out at THE Rational Talk (dot) com.

Also need to thank Lucinda as always for molding me into the human being that I am today through boundless reserves of patience and tolerance.  Oh, and also for providing the explicit language warning this week.  And also for that thing she does with her tongue and she knows exactly what I’m talking about.

I also need to thank Heath for that thing he does with his tongue; and for all you know, I’m referring to all the talking and being funny he does on this show every week.  And while we’re doling out appreciation, I also want to thank Tony Romo and Dez Bryant for sucking balls against the Saints last week leading to an improbable and narrow victory for my Fantasy Team over Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, thus ending a three game slide and putting me back into third place as we approach the postseason.

But most of all I need to thank this week’s distressingly short list of the world’s best people, Robert and Thomas.  Robert, whose penis is rivalled in size and power only by the high water mark of the Mongolian empire and Thomas, whose evolutionary perfection would make his genetic code an international best-seller.  These two pillars of humanity have improved the lives of countless rational beings across the Virgo Cluster this week by giving us money.  Our donation system is, of course, highly selective in who it will allow to give us money, but if you think you share the pansophical cunning of Robert and Thomas, feel free to find out by clicking the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And remember, the more money it allows you to give, the better a human being you are.

Oh, and a quick note.  Up to now I’ve done a song on every tenth episode.  I’ve got one written for episode 40 but with the Holy Babble segment and the poem and everything we won’t have room for it next week so you’ll have to wait an extra week to hear me sing about priests raping children.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight.  Remember people who give us a five star reviews on iTunes, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube, follow the blog and like us on Facebook get eternal oral sex after they die, and if you don’t believe me, I can write it down in a book and then quote that book to prove it.

If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

  1. November 16, 2013 at 11:48 AM

    Noah, I’m glad that you mentioned the whole “guy that sounds like Randall from Clerks” thing before I did. Not that it’s out in the open, I wish to hear him use the term “jizz mopper” in a sentence on the next program. Just in case others need convincing. Thanks!

  2. December 7, 2013 at 3:01 AM
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